My third without Chris. My first two years ago - was memorably awful! Looking back I was still very raw and though I thought I was getting there – the reality was pretty superficial - sorry D & M it was a truly dreadful evening!
I was talking about this to Gilly on Friday night, I had moved on enough to appear to be functioning - but I was in the duck on water stage – looking OK on the surface but pedalling away like mad underneath!
Last year I just removed myself from here and was in Croatia with Margaret, a good move - as Varaždin and dinner at Violetta’s, with Dragich and Renata was always going to be special and it was.
So this year, confidently saying I’m fine and genuinely believing it.
Looking back – I had a huge loss, my life partner of 35 years dropped dead - the first stage was just a lost fog – but say from my birthday two years ago - the last couple of years - I have felt two big and almost counter-acting forces. The first has been a growing recognition that I need to fill this monstrously huge gap in my life and a second countering force which involves fear of change. I suppose there has also been a third - very strong component which is that I am Chris’s legacy and there is a lot of responsibility that goes along with that. I think I can only now really start to understand what I have lost as I see how much I am filling the space with!
So it’s Sunday the 18th of January, I’m in bed with glass teapot of tea posy tea, sweetened by honey from Scottish bees, listening to a 45 minute CD of music I have made for the warm-up at Dancing tomorrow night, music which I can say is my choice and reflects my own tastes in music, though under-pinned by Chris’s (and increasingly Jimmy’s) musical preferences.
I will soon eat a home made yoghurt, sweetened this time by Slovenia honey and do some Spanish. Mi Español está mejorando, verdad! My year is starting to take shape, not certain where work will take me, but another EI weekend in March, a week’s dancing in Spain in May and a couple of weeks in Mali Losinj, how lucky am I. Today 14 or so people for a roast dinner here, tomorrow dancing and later in the Everyman. Chris left a big hole in my life and I can see that by how many people are needed to fill it!
Soon be time to take my old and idiosyncratically incontinent dog for a walk, not too far today as he’s a bit stiff after a special walk along the shore with Ioanna and Pete yesterday. Kipper has had a new lease of life with his medication from the Vets, which is lovely.
So - feliz cumpleaños a mi y muchos gracias por la lectura de este.
