It's wonderful to be home and to recognise and cherish all the blessings that I have in my life. Whilst away I reflected not on myself but on 'an other' and it has left me with quite a different sense of things. Last time I was left with a sense of euphoria and joy, this time I can see those things, but I am also feeling strong mood swings.
I suppose I am just more aware of others. I went dancing last night and was very struck by how much my fellow dancers were getting from their dance. It was quite a different way of being at the dance and it is wonderful to be doing the same things that I always do but to see them differently.
Back into work today - feeling that it could be quite hard. Things are so fast moving and so full of pressures at the moment, and as much of this pressure is on others, I think I need to consciously try to keep my own perspective clear and focused.
Big things are also happening to others in my life, Perri has an operation today and Lara has her PhD viva tomorrow. This affects them but also the others close to them - it can be so difficult to be close to someone you love who is in hard place.
I thought a lot over the weekend of Chris's pain and how I had been a witness to his pain - which had been constant and sometimes un-bearable. Chris's strength was based on his lifetime fight with pain, a fight he rarely despaired of, though he lived with pain which would have destroyed most people. He did despair, not often but sometimes when the pain had been particularly ferocious, lasting over several days, constant remorseless pain with no sleep, just his lonely personal battle with pain. On these occasions he did despair, in the dark of the night, when he just had had enough, he would surrender briefly to despair, but the next morning he would get up, put on his cumbersome, heavy and painful legs and just get on with his life - he truly was an amazingly extra-ordinary man.
I can see the experience of the weekend will have affected me deeply but I know it will take time to assimilate it all. But now I'm me - back to being me - at home - with an incontinent dog that needs walking - a beautiful son that needs awakening and a job that needs doing! How lucky am I!
