Saturday night
Gilly has been round for tea –drinking wine, watching TV, talking, being mates – being home – good stuff – my brain is still buzzing from being away – body also – wide awake at 12.30 – when I should be knackered – not certain if I will get up at 9 tomorrow for a run!
Jim wasn’t very well last night – had a temperature and a bad cough – he seemed better today – out at Richard’s tonight – but that’s just a few doors down – felt glad I was home when he felt unwell – though I was out on Lark Lane with Gilly last night early on – being selfish in many ways.
My Mum said that it was good for Jimmy, as the baby of the family, to have to take responsibility – with me being away etc – and like all these things I think yes and no. He didn’t need/deserve what happened to him – but maybe it has given him real strength and it certainly has changed him for the rest of his life.
Also makes me aware that I’m also a third child (and child of two third children) – never had the responsibility of my older sisters – took me so long to understand many things which maybe Jimmy now understands – Chris certainly understood so many more things more than I did/do – his childhood experiences - gave him grief but also knowledge.
I have felt a real Chris loss the last couple of days – my head’s buzzing and I miss the ‘talking through stuff’ I would have had with Chris – hence two long bloggs!
My current obsession – compounded by the books that I have been reading - have made me think a lot about the things that you have absolutely no control over – like your mother’s state of mind, life style etc while she was carrying you – I think I had though through some of the stuff about the family environment for a baby/child – but the more I think it through - the more I see the legacy being a so incredibly fundamental part of who you are. Again my mantra – how lucky am I.
But it also makes me also think about my children – I can but hope I/we did our best – we did what we thought was good for our children and ourselves - but whether that was the right thing - I don't know. It also makes me think about definitions of ‘success’ – this is something that is so huge that my brain really does hurt tonight!
It’s now 1 in the morning and I think I should sleep. Thinking is good though……..
