Visible confidence!

I just wanted to tell my blogg - and anyone else who might be remotely interested that Jim got an A in his History mock AS exam - he also just passed his Maths and Physics. Given that the school wanted him to leave in December and he hadn't got more than 10% in any exam since he did his GCSEs - he has done so well - and it's all about confidence.

Going back to school after his Dad died - and then struggling to concentrate - his lack of achievement being constantly reinforced by test failure - just knocked the stuffing out of him. Going back last September with a temporary and un-sustained positivity just led to a crumbling of his self-belief. It has been hard to know how to support him -and I have really struggled with it - but with the help of his brothers, and a post grad maths Student Tutor - he has turned it round - he confidence has been visibly lifted!

Given the job that I do - seeing at first hand how the lack of confidence can have such major impact - has made me think - but from a Mum's point of view it's lovely to see my gorgeous boy blossom!

Still moving on but now with music!

Another busy week, our second in the new building but it's still a real mess. Too busy to have any profound thoughts - but maybe that's an indication that things are OK!

Have been downloading Chris's CDs of music onto the extra hard disc that Rob put on the computer. It's going to be a long process as they are all currently just Track 1,2,3 etc and I'm typing in the track and artist before downloading. But I think it's important - I would hate for the CDs to get lost or unusable for any reason and not to have a copy of them.

I'm also starting to remix my own CDs, at the moment only for dancing, but once I have them all on the computer - I'll be able to make my own playlists and CDs - I'm look forward to doing that. But they will be my compilations with some of Chris's, some of Jimmy's, Hannah's - so my music!

As the perceived non musical member of this family - I'm happy to be making my own choices and preferences. Couldn't have done it without Chris - but I suppose that's the story of my life!

Looking back a year

After I posted the Blogg below - I looked back to last February - and what a difference a year has made! The Jimmy and Tricia of last year have moved on so much - so that's good.

Very busy week

During which we moved offices. I thought moving a team of 21 would be quite a big job – but it was actually more hard work than I had imagined. A hundred little things and a lot of mess!

Last weekend away with Peri and Nita was lovely – the hotel was really nice and the weather was gorgeous and we talked, ate, drank wine, laughed did a little bit of walking and lots and lots more talking! So exactly what was required, I know Nita and Peri are living with so much more pressure and stress than me, and I have huge admiration for both of them. It was also lovely to see how much my boys are appreciated by them both. The weekend away was only possible because of my boys and I don’t think they realise how important their part is, in the lives of Nita, Peri, Neil, Aziz and Jamal. Chris and I did a good job with our lovely three sons.

Estabaned on Friday and Amnesty Quiz last night – we came third, Lara and Alex home and today we are all going to see Olivia, my parent’s first Great Grand Child. I have knitted some very cute pink things. My parent’s are treasuring the arrival of this very special representative of the next generation. I am sure there will be more but I don’t know how many of them my parents will see.

Busy and happier

Cardiff and London this week with lots of packing and shredding prior to the move on Monday.

Feel happier in myself – the depression – ‘What’s the purpose of life?’ type feeling seems to have lifted which is good.

It’s Saturday morning and Alex came home last night – he’s going to put Jimmy through his Maths and Physics prior to his mocks on Monday.

I’m going away for a night with Nita and Peri, the boys are staying here and Rob is staying with Neil. Both of them deserve a break as they are both coping with a lot more stress than I am. Nita hasn’t had a night off from caring for years and Peri has been running herself ragged with the success of the Choir on top of a full time teaching job and looking after the boys single handedly. So we are going to a posh hotel for a luxury night’s break. But my day will start with walking the dog followed by breakfast and the quiz with my lovely boys.

So how can I be down – how lucky am I……

Friday night

I feel like I’m going through a strange patch at the moment – but maybe life is just a series of strange patches – and the last week has made me revisit quite a lot of them!

I last moved offices over 10 years ago and I’ve worked at the University for over 20 years and I’ve spend the best part of this week – when not in Cardiff – going deep into my life. I felt like throwing the lot away but Paul – who never keeps anything – said that much of the stuff should be archived – for future researchers – and when I looked at it – it is an idiosyncratic version of Liverpool’s history – so I sorted and ended up with two things – an unusual collection of reports etc of their time – mainly 1985 – 1995 and then in a similar time scale - things that I was directly involved in.

Hindsight is an amazing thing – or maybe it’s just the understanding that age and experience gives you – but I looked back at myself and I was surprised how much I quite admired that Tricia - she was quite cheeky – though not very strategic - I felt that I do understand more now. But then I had an overwhelming sense of what has changed – or not changed – and that was depressing. How many wheels have been re-invented – how many lessons not learnt – how much older am I – and how much of my life has gone by! My snapshot being a tiny element in the world but a snapshot never the less and for all that work is anything much better?

Anyway it’s now Friday night and I’m home – comfortably drinking a glass of wine – lap-topping in the front room – looking forward to walking with my sisters tomorrow morning, having the boys tomorrow night and then I suppose at some point coming to terms with living life with all its imperfections and inadequacies- but what more can any of us do?

Being away and being at home.

One of Varazdin's angels.

Have been increasingly aware that I had not done my blogg for ages - haven't had the technology and/or wakefulness to do it - and I've missed it. I have actually read my blogg when away - on the fancy phone but not quite been able to use the technology to write a blogg - though I nearly managed it somewhere! I did find it re-assuring to read myself - and amaze at the technology!

Back at home after Vienna and Cardiff – both of which were very good for me and through which I learnt a lot. Am struggling at the moment to keep positive – being away is in some ways easy as I can put things to the back of my mind but being back home – I am very aware of all the things that are so much part of my new post Chris life. Today was not good – unexpected things happen – things caused by my not thinking things through. I have also had a couple of nights of weird Chris dreams. They are weird – as I am there – (dreamworld) having a conversation (vivid setting) with Chris – the discussion is happy and relaxed but this is matched by a strong feeling that he cannot/should not be seen by others. I’m having these quite regularly at the moment.

I’m sure this is a very normal dream to have but they upset me and add an under-current of uncertainty to my life. I wondered whether to ask the boys if they dream of their Dad – I don’t think I’ll ask Jimmy but I might ask the other two.

We are all moving offices at the moment which is exciting but also means that I’m sorting through my professional life too – which I think also is unsettling me. But time to be positive – how lucky am I to have my lovely boys, the opportunity to travel, to be moving with my lovely team into an amazing building – so time to stop myself being morose and to be positive.

Back home and it's Friday

It's Friday night and I'm pretty shattered after a long day at work but not complaining after having a lovely week away and now being very happy to be at home. Jimmy seems to have coped well in my absence and cooked well for himself - Rob was around - full of cold/flu but reassuringly present. My and Jim's new life has evolved as Jim grows older and we both get used to living without Chris/Dad.

This one paragraph blogg has taken me ages to write as my tiredness has really kicked in - it's Friday night and it has been a very very long week. Tomorrow I will hopefully sleep in and then do very little for the rest of the weekend - sounds good to me!



Reminding myself where I've been - back to the mantra - how lucky am I!

My birthday in Varazdin

Has been amazing!

In 1999 I found the FOI webcam when planning our first holiday in Croatia, and now 9 years on - I'm in my dear friend Renata's flat having had a wonderful day visiting a castle followed by lunch at Blazenka's after yeterday being treated to a birthday dinner at Violetta's - and Margaret and I are here to work - which between all the eating and talking about families, friends and the meaning of life we are doing!

I have no idea how my life and Varazdin have become so embroiled - but the reality is - it has and I am just so amazed and appreciative of this.

What more can I say....................

A how lucky am I blogg

It's very late and I have had just had a lovely lovely evening. Unexpected and arranged by Gilly - birthday meal at the Red Fort - 16 of us - and then drinks afterwards - and then I'm off to Amsterdam and Croatia tomorrow - just felt quite over whelmed by the love and affection of tonight.

It was in some ways the fact it was so unexpected that the amazingnuss of being with friends and being the focus of such a happy night was genuinely amazing

I know that I gain so much from my friends/family - but also being the centre of it tonight made me feel so loved - which is about as fortunate that any one person can feel.

How lucky am I?

Getting excited about the year to come!

I did so much the right thing by having this last week off and getting myself ready for the year to come. Did mundane stuff - like painting toilets - both of which are now repainted - though probably look very similar to what they did - which is OK - it's like my life - I know it's very different thought on the surface might look the same - but it's actually very different - but I also know the work this involves!

Anyway the time off and being on my own - painting etc was very good for me as it enabled me to think through my priorities for the next year. Made a few important decisions - though only about things that I can make decisions about - I also know that I must be prepared for the unexpected - but the chance to have some quiet time on my own has been very very good.

Had a lovely conversation with Sue tonight after inviting her to join my world for a week next September - a good decision which has added to both of our lives.

Then phone coversation with Nita - planning a weekend away - which she so much needs.

Boys are around - Peri's choir is part of the opening the new Liverpool Arena tonight - but I am very happy to be at home with the boys - Aziz watching 'Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon' - intently - Jamal is playing hand held computer game and pretending to watch - Jim's out at another 18th birthday.

We have had a good day - boys dropped off early because of Arena gig - so they came with me for dog walk in the park - followed by a Rob led Guardian quiz - I did breakfast - my favourite thing to do - and we did well in the quiz - which was nice - and then unusually for me - I felt at a bit of a loose end so I took the boys to the cinema.

My birthday on Saturday - and when out last night it was decided by Gilly - that we would all go out next Thursday night for a curry at the Red Fort - then off to Amsterdam/Croatia/Slovenia on Friday - work stuff but involving some of my favourite people - how lucky am I?

Bitter sweet thoughts

You only know what you have to lose when you have lost it – I have been so fortunate all my life – I haven’t had to face loss – parents still alive – married at 21 – 3 lovely boys and the love of a good man – all my problems have been really small – because I have just been too busy getting on with life.

I now feel that all aspects of my life are so precious – my health, my family, my friends, my lovely job – these are so much day to day acceptances of mine and yet so very very priceless.

As I look back at my past and as I start to see a future - I have such an over whelming sense of the need to cherish everything. Time is so short.

These thoughts also help me understand Chris more. His childhood and adolescence – the only very late child of elderly parents – who then so nearly died at 13 and then lived with constant and intense pain – gave him an huge understanding and love for life which I feel that I am only now starting to understand.

Bitter sweet thoughts and yes I do feel some regret – I wish I understood more whilst Chris was still alive – but also understand that I only know what I do now because he has died – but also because he had lived.

I thought about writing these things tonight and was aware that some readers are much younger than me – I thought - should I say what I think and feel and understand? - and then I remembered that you only understand things when you are ready. Chris’s knowledge is there for us all to understand but we probably only will when we are ready……

Terms of reference

Jimmy is watching something horrible on the telly – and having watched Sense and Sensibility with me earlier – it’s his choice - so I have opted for bed - to read my book/write blogg.

It is Sunday nights and I have been a whirling painting dervish all day/weekend – have now stripped, prepared, papered and bought paint and bits etc for both toilets – emulsion day tomorrow and both will be complete.

I recall doing something similar in my other life – but with Chris as ground crew and back up. Had a classic ‘out of my depth’ moment with tiles today – 4 tiny ones on a window sill in the upstairs toilet – needing replacement because they had broken – sorted in the end with slightly too large tiles from the shed – because they didn’t need cutting – a task just beyond Jim and I - though we did have a go – Jim was up for it but starting with old tiles was just too difficult – and I wasn’t prepared to buy new tiles – because I didn’t know how to cut them – and I knew we had some already. Anyway final result is idiosyncratic but OK - but as Jim said – it’s only a toilet!

It is only a toilet but it will also probably not get re-painted for several/many years and they needed doing. So I have nearly done them and am so far pleased with my efforts – the easy bit - the laminated post cards look great (they were the easy bit) though I have still not decided how to put them back on the walls. I’m toying with the glue gun - it’s these kind of small decisions – which tool – glue gun choice - that I really miss Chris. I have also been searching through the tools in the cupboard today as part of this process - and feel I should get rid of all of those that I don’t now what their purpose is. Chris was a man for first principal DIY – I was the labourer – together we made a great team! But I have done it with a somewhat bemused labourer Jim – so that’s good.

The process – which seemed to involve a lot of painting pipes – inaccessibly located behind toilets has given me time to think – and in many ways I wish I had started this blogg two or more years before Chris died because then I could make more realistic comparisons of my life pre and post Chris. I have painted the same inaccessible pipes before - but what was I thinking then?

So pleased that the toilets will be painted and hopefully look OK – they are only toilets after all – but also recognise that I take sole responsibility for them. Do feel a bit on my own through the whole process and that’s because I am.

Anyway my reflections whilst doing it was – what was I thinking before in similar times and I don’t think I know the answer to that! I do feel that I am a different person now – more thoughtful – though after all painting toilet is just that - painting a toilet – but sometimes it does involve more reflection!

2008

A new year starts today, my second without Chris.

I had a lovely New Year’s eve with Paul and Sue, two of my dearest dearest friends. We all went to the Kimberley Club, taking Kipper with us. He behaved beautifully despite the fireworks. I obviously thought about Chris a lot particularly in the Kimberley Club which he would have enjoyed so much, especially the pies (assorted) with proper mushy peas! But Chris is now a memory – he will always be an intrinsic part of me, because I am who I am because of Chris – but he has gone and we all have to move on.

So 2008 is underway and I think I am ready for it. I’m glad I’m taking more leave next week as I want to get the house sorted. I went through a necessary sorting and clearing out stage in the couple of months after Chris died and then a bathroom and kitchen stage last year but I feel the time has come for me to go to the next level – particularly in the backroom which is a real mess. I thought I would also paint the downstairs toilet – preserving the postcards in laminate. The dining room also needs doing and the hall and landing carpet – though maybe not all of that next week.!

I watched the birds in Paul and Sue’s garden this morning as I did at my Mum’s house and thought I’d put a picture of my all time favourite bird on my blogg – the long tailed tit. I didn’t take this photo but I wish I had – it is such a beautiful little bird.

Boxing Day evening

With the wonder of wireless we have been online courtesy of an unknown neighbour of my parents – the technology of which is a bit difficult to explain - and a complete mystery to my Mum and Dad!

It’s now Boxing Day and the boys are watching Match of the Day and my parents and I have retired to bed. Christmas has been good – we had fun at my sister Ann’s yesterday and a good day today at my parents. My Mum has just come into my room and given me a cuddle and asked if I was alright and I said yes and how much easier it was this year. She was very pleased – for me – I think – but thinking about it – from her point of view last year must also have been so difficult.

She is pretty amazing - coping with being 87 and coming to terms with her own mortality as well as the discomfort of old age. She is also living her life as the wife of a wonderful man that that she has been married to for over 61 years and whom she loves dearly but a man that is now 90 and deaf and though extraordinarily on the ball - very deaf.

My Dad got a bit emotional at tea tonight as he recalled my Mum when she was Bryony’s age and argued with his boss in the Officers Mess in Nuremberg in Germany in 1945. They have lived long and full lives.

Parents are funny cos you love them so dearly yet your relationship with them is so based on your childhood – I am at who I am because of my parents – and yet I am who I am for other reasons – in my case because of Chris and being the mother of my boys and doing what I do etc etc But I am only these things because I am my parents child.

Bit of a circular statement that – but I think I am moving towards recognising the deep and irreplaceable love that I have for my parents and that they have for me – but at the same time trying to recognise their vulnerability as people – their age – their foibles – I type this and feel so amazingly lucky that they are still alive – still a force in their own unique right – still so present in my life. Last year I couldn’t recognise this cos I was too wrapped up in myself but this year I can and do.

Don’t know if I can do more to show them I love them – make them proud – I’ll try.

Anyway – tomorrow I go home and I can honestly say that I have really enjoyed the last couple of days – I didn’t really expect to - and I can’t say I was looking forward to it - but it has been family at its best.

Christmas 2007

It’s Sunday morning and again I don’t feel up for a run – I’m really missing them but I’m so full of head cold that I don’t think it would be a good idea – so I thought I’d do my blogg and wake up the boys and see who wants to take the dog with me. Alex is home and Aziz and Jamal are asleep downstairs on the new sofa bed.

Gilly and Perry are both calling in today, to pick up boys and presents and then the boys and I will go over to my parents for Christmas – though only when I have got myself sorted - have been Christmas shopping with boys both Friday and yesterday to supplement the rather bizarre collection of knitting and online gift giving!

Have looked back at my blogg from this time last year – and can see how my life is more on an even keel this year. I’m full of cold and a bit dysfunctional about some aspects of Christmas but less emotional. Last year I was still very much that little ship in the sea full of emotional mines!

Have a busy couple of weeks of family and friends to look forward to and think I should try and get myself into a mindset which makes the most of this time. It’s a holiday from work but also a time for me to get myself set up for the new year, which will be a very busy one. Also I think I’m a bit run down physically – what with colds and viruses etc. So a time to get myself both emotionally and physically stronger.

So dear reader – I know some of you but not all - but thanks for reading – the blogg has been and is a very important part of my healing process. May you have a peaceful Christmas and I’m sure I’ll meet most of you in the New Year one way or another!

Rob is thirty!!

Tonight we had a lovely dinner/tea for Rob as he is thirty tomorrow – going to London to do what he wants to do to celebrate/recognise this. I can’t believe that I am the mother of a thirty year old son – Rob can’t believe that he is thirty! Like any milestone - we all miss Chris tonight as it’s one of those things.

But and always a but – the road to tonight was much more emotional than the night – we actually had a lovely night – joined by Gilly, Becki and Lara – we all, laughed and laughed – my lovely boys sparking from each other being fed jokes/humour from the rest of us. Good time and lovely – they all then went to the pub and Gilly and I reflected on the first ‘dinner around the table’ – 3 sons, Gilly and I just over a year ago – and pretty grim – but tonight a year plus on was light and funny – yes there was the 30 issue but that was normal – and yes we missed Chris – but more in the build up than in the reality – we are all moving on……

Christmas ambivalence

I have been ‘neutral’ to Christmas for quite a few years now – cherishing and relishing the mid winter break – the opportunity to have a holiday from work and to spend good time with my family – the focus moving from my children to my parents over the last few years. Having the money and experience to be able to cook dinner for large family groups and to give presents with out too much hassle. But for several years I have struggled with the ‘demands’ of Christmas, card sending and receiving and the prevalent expected excess and I suppose the nasty commercialisation of the whole thing.

Anyway – apart from that - last year was pretty horrible – a major First and thinking back I was pretty much still in zombie mode. I have been surprised to find that this year I am again struggling – I was talking to Ruth today – and she echoed many of my thoughts – she’s three months ahead of me as Mike died in the July but we share so many things and thoughts.

Feel quite intolerant of the superficiality of Christmas – am quite looking forward to sending time with my parents and boys – and looking forward to my sister Ann, Max and Bryony also being there – good things – time with family. Not coping well with the concept of Christmas especially cards – haven’t sent any and am not certain if I will.

Chris and I had also been able to go away on our own for New Year for several years – so the not having that any more is a tangible loss.

But just need to appreciate how fortunate I am and to not feel ashamed of these thoughts. Good friends don’t need cards to remind them that I treasure them being in my life – and after this last year I really do treasure and value them – and I do think I need to ensure that I tell them somehow.

Emotional week

I suppose it's because I have been physically down and emotionally a bit battered this week that I have been thinking a lot - suppose we all think a lot all the time but sometimes you are to busy to see your thoughts.

Also have had to re-assess my relationship with Jimmy - he's in danger of losing the plot at school and I have been hesitant or possibly too self absorbed or even fearful of getting too bossy with him.

This week we have had a wake up call – timing was bad – for me as I was emotional before – probably because I was ill.

Alex and Rob came to the rescue in their own ways – Rob by being here and sorting stuff like the broken plug and taking the dog. Alex for being very firm and telling both Jim and me to get our acts together. Things which needed saying – to both of us.

So the end of a emotional week during which I have thought a lot and felt lost and lonely but like always very supported – friends phoning and emailing – not even knowing I’m down but just because they do!

Anyway have been thinking a lot and obviously thinking about Chris – it’s when you don’t know what to do - that you really miss talking to someone who knows everything there is to know about you.

Woke up early this morning – not sleeping well at the moment and opened a book straight to this poem – which was quite weird. I have been thinking about whether Chris was really ‘ready to die’ in a strange sort of way – and this poem made me think that he was – he died as ‘old as you can be to die a young man’s death’. He crammed so much into his life – but he also took time to relish and cherish the small things in life – the shared cup of coffee – the ‘hand crafted worksheet’ – the preparation of a meal - but he lived every second of his life - with the reality of his disability and he really really did not want to be a dependent old man.

I must accept that the timing was right for Chris to die - but it's hard when you are trying to do your best for your children. I think I can do me - but I can only hope I'm getting it right for the boys and especially Jimmy at the moment.

I feel the need to take things a bit more slowly for a bit – not much use to anyone when I’m like this. Here’s the poem:

"Let me not see old age"

Let me not see old age: Let me not hear

The proffered help, the mumbled sympathy,

The well-meant tactful sophistries that mock

Pathetic husks who once were strong and free,

And in youth's fickle triumph laughed and sang,

Loved, and were foolish; and at the close have seen

The fruits of folly garnered, and that love,

Tamed and encaged, stale into grey routine.

Let me not see old age; I am content

With my few crowded years; laughter and strength

And song have lit the beacon of my life.

Let me not see it fade, but when the long

September shadows steal across the square,

Grant me this wish: they may not find me there.

by

D.R Geraint Jones

But poetry wont take the dog for a walk so time to get up and to get on with life and to make the most of my few crowded years!

Feel better now I'm ill!

Have felt rotten for the last few days and don't think I've been coping at all - struggling, weepy and just absolutely exhausted. So I was pleased with myself when I recognised last night that I was sick - I think it's the virus that everyone seems to have had recently. Like all these things they attack you where you are most vulnerable - and strangely or perhaps not strangely I felt the effect emotionally rather than physically.

Anyway now I have recognised that I'm sick - I am off work for a couple of days and feel physically pretty shitty but mentally a lot happier!

So I shall stick to the sofa and knit and have a quiet weekend - and hopefully I will feel better next week - both physically and psychologically - hope so - am sure so really - as the understanding that it's a virus has cheered me up significantly!

not many bloggs - a good sign!

Its Friday night and I’ve been to the pub with Rob for a couple of pints after a particularly exhausting week. Read my emails and am happy that Christmas, New Year and my birthday are now all boxed off!

Went to Leeds for two meetings on Tuesday and then went to dinner with Alex and Lara which was the first for the three of us but hopefully only one of many more meals together in the future.

Then the rest of the week has been a mad combination of work and Americans – quite a common combination in my world!

Haven’t got a lot of any major blogging thoughts tonight – the combination of tiredness and beer have left me fairly shattered but not unhappy.

So it’s November – December in a couple of hours but as everyone seems to be knackered at the moment - I think ‘m probably doing OK!

Saturday morning

.....and I just though I'd look at what I wrote last evening and then I thought I'd look at this time last year. So I'm sitting with tears running down my face as I have just re-visited where I was last year.

How does this make me feel - proud of myself in a sad sort of way because, and I know so many people have much worse things happen to them, but losing your partner of 35 years, a man that I loved dearly and to whom I was very close to, the father of my lovely three boys and dear friend of my dear friends - that is a pretty big thing to happen and so suddenly - looking back at the blogg I can see that I was still in shock this time last year and that Jimmy was even deeper in shock.

So I am proud of myself because as can be seen in the last few months bloggs I'm OK really, bit up and down but just getting on with life. Just looking back at the challenges I set myself a year ago:

Reading several books cover to cover,
Being able to watch/listen to the news,
Buying a newspaper and reading more than the sudoku,
Sleeping better,
Going to the supermarket and doing a proper weekly shop

Realistic and achievable for Tricia then - but I think the time has come to set myself some new challenges for my new future. I don't know what these are yet but I will think about them and blogg them when I'm ready!

Now it's time to take the dog for a walk and to pick up my parcel of wool from the sorting office - and maybe think about challenges and then have breakfast with Jim and maybe Rob. My good life!

Friday night thoughts

It’s Friday night and on my own - and feeling a bit lonely – so turned to my blogg and noticed that I haven’t posted a blogg for nearly two weeks – and that makes me think that the last two weeks have been busy and OK – so that’s good!

I was ­away last night in Manchester, I enjoyed the company of friends/colleagues – some from a way back - but apart from that, not done much apart from work, quite into my knitting at the moment – had Jim, Les, Rob and Gilly for Sunday dinner last week – and have been dancing – oh yes and went out last week on Thursday and Friday – and had Aziz and Jamal on Saturday - so on reflection been quite busy. That’s what I like about my blogg – makes me reflect on what I have been up to – and on reflection have been busy – quite happy and just getting on with things.

So it’s Friday night and feeling a bit lonely – but probably because I’m a bit knackered after quite a busy couple of weeks!

Noticed it's my 200th blogg - which made me think the about the last 14 months - a long time but not really - glad I'm a year plus on - last year was very hard but I do feel that I am coming to terms with having a different future than I anticipated.

Sunday night

Nice week-end - Alex has been home and on Saturday I visited my Mum and Dad’s. Am now slobbing on the sofa with the dog snoring in front of the coal fire.

Jim spend some of Friday evening going round in a Police CCTV van – but the weather was so foul there was no-one on the street. I think he was quite relieved as he didn’t actually want to recognise anyone. I took him to get the stitches out on Friday and the wound is well on the way to healing – he will have a scar but we are both putting it behind us.

Alex has had Jimmy working on Maths and Physics all weekend which is good. He is still finding them hard but Alex says he’s much more on top of them – I feel a bit out of it as I can’t help him – though I suppose I am supporting him in lots of other ways.

Feeling less down this weekend - but coming to terms with having a post Chris low period. Last year was such an emotional roller coaster – wasn’t really certain where I was – so it’s been quite good to recognise that I have been ‘down’ – and that’s something very normal.

Growing up..........

Well – it’s Saturday night – I have had an easy evening at Gilly’s drinking wine, watching TV and talking.

Reflecting on the last week – I feel it has made both Jimmy and me grow up! There is this myth that 54 year olds are ‘grown up’ the reality is that we never ‘grow up’ – I think my 87 and 90 year old parents would agree with this.

OK - with age comes experience, knowledge and some wisdom but the bottom line is we are all learning and some weeks we learn more than others!

Last week has been really hard but I am so proud of all three of my sons – all of whom have helped me and each other in a wonderful, natural way.

Ayway - I wanted to go out tonight – if only to show Jim that I wasn’t going to stay on the sofa every night knitting!

So I’m home – blogging – Jim’s out with his mates. I have just noticed that the jeans that he wore that night – the ones that I washed immediately because I wanted rid of the blood stains – not thinking about the police asking for them – have gone.

So I’m here and Jim’s out – wearing his jeans with their new un-designer cut! His way of facing what happened – and I must find my own way – which I am sure I will…..

Scary Halloween

Halloween was genuinely scary this year as I received a call from the Dad of Jim’s friend to say he had been jumped on by a gang of youths and stabbed in the leg.

He was close by and I got him to hospital quite quickly. The actual wound is not too bad – he had three stitches and will have a sore leg for a few days. He had been on his way to a party when he and his friend had been attacked by a gang of about 9 lads who had chased his mate, Jimmy had stood up to them and they ‘learned him a lesson’ by getting him against a wall and stabbing him in his leg.

So Jim and I, joined by Rob, spent a couple of hours in the Royal’s A&E Department. As this was where Chris died, and at one point Rob and I were waiting in the same corridor, it was fairly upsetting.

Jim seemed fine last night and Rob’s coming round this morning and is going to contact the police. There is no way that Jim could identify them as it was dark and they wore hoodies but Rob is emphatic that it needs to be recorded and he is right.

So I think it’s fair to say that this has not been a good week.

Treacle week

Finding things really hard this week … walking through treacle and just feeling down.. the worse bit is that is Jim is down too and I don’t know how to help – he says he’s ‘fine’ but I know and can see he’s not – worrying because I feel low that I am making too much of it – or even causing his being down. Can’t say we are talking much about it – had a bit of a to do tonight and ended friends but fairly un-communicative friends – he got quite angry when I said I was down too… and that it was OK to feel low sometimes – and then I felt worse for telling him – but you do your best – and that’s all I can do.

The computer has also had a serious breakdown – possibly caused or causing our depression! Jim’s worried he’s lost all his music and I’m worried I’ve lost all my photographs.

So it’s Tuesday evening and we both feel shitty – he’s finding it hard to get to sleep and I’m finding it hard to stay asleep – so are both watching the night – overlapping.

So.. doing my best to be positive… but finding it hard – but this seems a different kind of low to the bereavement feelings – it seems like a ‘normal’ lowness but just a bad dose! So I shall look at this as just another stage to go through – and I have been feeling quite good recently so I suppose I can’t expect a linear path – am worried about Jim though but I’m his Mum and I should worry about him.

A bit down but dancing

Have felt a bit low this week – but a sort of normal time of the year lowness – probably because I was also so busy for the last couple of weeks. Went out with Gilly for tapas on Thursday and we cheered each other up as she too was a bit low.

Yesterday I went to dance workshop and danced for over 5 hours. It was wonderful and just what I needed. Today Gilly, Fiona, Aziz and I are going to walk through some woods to see the autumn colours before they all fall off the trees. It will be wet though as it’s pouring with rain but the dog will enjoy it!

.....busy,busy

Very busy week – I love things like the Staff Tour – but they are exhausting – didn’t go with group to the Netherlands so met Gilly at Estabans early last night but had to leave early as was falling asleep.

Yesterday would have been Chris’s birthday – and it was fine – we have moved on so far in a year – I have just looked back at my blogg for that time and I can see it. This time last year I was just starting to think about going back to work and was in a hard place – a year on I’m me, working normally, much more comfortable in being on my own and so much lighter. Living my life.

Alex came home last night but I didn’t see him because I was in bed – and I have Aziz and Jamal coming shortly, so Rob will bring the papers round and I will make a giant breakfast for 5 boys and we will do the quiz and laugh. My life and a good one.

Busy, busy

At the end of a busy week and the start of a busy weekend – with 17 Americans and 1 Croatian currently travelling to Liverpool! Work is very busy and not just for me – we are a very busy team!

Feel I am coping well at work – not having the blank panics that I had when I first went back – but now I’m a year on I don’t think have any excuse – this is quite an interesting thought as I have been able to give myself an excuse for the last year and could justify any mistakes I made. But not any more! Think I need to watch tiredness – as I am working full-time and although sleeping OK I often wake very early – but that’s life and I do know how lucky I am.

Jimmy has started to talk about holidays next year – there is a group planning inter-railing and another something more packaged. Jim thinks there needs to be someone who sorts out all the planning and the money etc and as he then spent a while on the computer costing train tickets etc I think he could be the one!

Now I have to think about myself – I was protected by boys this summer – but next summer I’ll be on my own – not too worried about that but it does require me to think through what I want to do sooner rather than later. Which I can do. Time to walk the dog and greet Americans!

last first - hopefully!

Yesterday was my last first – the first anniversary of Chris’s funeral – I don’t think I have any more really significant firsts to do – I am now on seconds!

Funnily enough I had my hair cut yesterday – and Paula – who knows where I am - as she lost her mother and brother within a week last December – we recalled that I had had my hair done on the day of Chris’s funeral. I remember not being able to speak - so full of emotion – so a year on very different.

Doug and Sue were here on Friday night – on their way to Scotland – as Dougie’s mum died this summer and Sue’s sister has just had heart surgery. It was lovely to see them and we had a proper Friday night out with other friends – very enjoyable.

Today is Alex’s 24th birthday – spoke to him earlier – he had had a special lunch with Lara and was walking it off – he had a horrible birthday last year but like me – he is moving on.

Jim and I had tea and a bit of a row – which was actually quite a good row – as we both explained to each other what was pissing us of about what the other had said. Pretty grown up for a mum and a 17 year old!

I went shopping today and bought yet more jeans/trousers as I have gone from a size 16 to a size 12 in a year! I was looking at photos earlier on today and don’t think I looked fat – I did look happy if bigger – but hopefully I will appear in photos now happy but thinner!

Feel good and really OK – don’t know yet if I am happy – still trying to cope with being the post Chris Tricia – not quite ready to do happy - the photo 2005 – of me and Renata on a boat off the Croatian coast – I look very very happy – and thinking back I was – Chris and I did good holidays and we were happy.

But thinking deeper was Chris happy – yes I think he was on one level – but on another level I don’t know if he ever did ‘happy’. He did pleasure and enjoyment and he certainly did appreciation – but he wasn’t nicknamed ‘Damper’ for no reason – he never did happy in the way that I did/do.

So a year on – glad my last first is over – thinking a lot about good friends who loved and miss Chris – thinking about my boys – working out who they are – understanding this because I have never found the answers to that!

Appreciating what I had….

A rather emotional day – Alex back from Africa, cooking a great gynormous breakfast for 5 lovely boys , and still feeling raw after this week – and then flowers and chocolates from lovely people.

Thought about what I miss/long for – I have lost part of myself this last year and it has taken me a year to recognise it. I think it’s because I am moving on and wanting to be a whole woman again, that I see now that my extremes have gone – I can be myself – and am getting better at that – but the real me – the more extreme good and bad me – is not visible. Chris was the one person in the world that I could be me at my extreme – good and bad!

This has come as a bit of a revelation to me – the new ‘self sufficient’ Tricia – doesn’t argue as much as she used to – with anyone!

I suppose the fact that I could and did argue/debate with Chris everything/anything – gave me a release – we didn’t just talk – we did argue – we did talk about everything to each other – and yes sometimes we would shout at each other - extremes - I could be good and/or bad.

Now I am middle of the road!

Tonight I just feel such a strong longing to be able to argue/discuss/debate/shout/laugh with someone and I suppose I mean Chris.

I am surrounded by wonderful family, friends, colleagues and I miss being argumentative – I suppose I am just missing the Chris Tricia –and I also know I will just have to get used to it.

Tonight I did have a bit of a wobble with sons – I don’t want to do this – but maybe I have to be a bit more honest with myself and let myself feel the extremes again – though slowly.

OK let's get on with living!

Re-read my morbid blog of last night - and after a night's sleep I watched the large clock face click round from 06:00 to 06:21 - and so that's it now - Chris has been dead for over a year and we must just get on with our lives.

Have been surprised how the last three days have hit me - but I also think that I let myself be hit! A good thing I think for a few days to let myself be morbid and weepy - but now I have decided that it's time to get back to where I was last week.

So blessing counting - that's easy - big breath and time to take the dog for a walk - the computer and dog's bowels also had a major dysfunction this week - but that's life too!

I feel much lighter now - and I'm so glad I've got the year milestone out of the way - time for the post Chris Tricia to get on with her life - it's a good one.

Tonight - is the night

A year ago tonight – I sat with my lovely husband Chris and watched him die – and I cry as type this. Big breath – I am very aware this was not something that I did on my own – my three sons sat that night and saw their father die.

How hard is this to type – after a few glasses of wine - hard but what I have to do.

Today has been OK – hard but realistic - Gilly and I had a day – going down town - superficially shopping – eating mussels and drinking white wine. Talking – we sat in the garden – a year to the minute and enjoyed – laughed – did what I wanted to do- thanks Gilly. Sitting in the garden I talked later to the Heyhursts – what can I say – thank you – I am struggling with everything today –but I’m not going to tell my sons.

A year on weekend

Doing OK – very aware of last year’s weekend. Doing very similar things – had the boys for the weekend – they’ve just gone. Rob’s watching football in the pub – last year he watched with Chris. Gilly, Rob, Jim and Les coming round for Sunday tea – last year it was just us – but we will be sitting round the same table – eating, laughing and drinking wine – just the same but different – no Chris. I have had a year to get used to not having Chris around and I can’t say that I don’t miss him because I do – everyday – BUT he would be proud of us because we haven’t moped and given into it – we have just got on with re-building our lives.

Things that are different a year on – went to see my Mum and Dad yesterday – Mum is 87 and Dad is 90 – they are coping very well but noticeably frailer a year on. They have had a sad week or two with several deaths of friends and neighbours including Rosie the dog. They really miss Rosie – she was about 15 years old – and although she had some irritating habits – like barking a lot – she filled their house and has left a big gap.

Alex is somewhere walking down Kilimanjaro – he and his three friends walked through the night on Thursday and were at the summit on Friday morning! We’ve been watching the weather on the web cam:

http://www.kilicam.com/

He should be down tomorrow or Tuesday and is then going for a few days safari. He will be returning to Lara his Spanish girlfriend – so things are very different for him a year on.

Rob has a new job which he is enjoying – doesn’t know what he wants to do in the long term – but he’s doing well – I know he is thinking about Chris a lot at the moment. He is so lovely and has been so supportive for me and Jim – popping round, checking on us – he’s going to come round tomorrow as I will be off work for a couple of days. My hope is that he can believe in himself more as he should!

My little Jimmy – now towering over me – he has grown a lot this year and is walking tall. He’s re-sitting his Year 12 and has three friends in the same position – which is good - he’s doing his homework as I write and seems much happier in himself – America was good for him – gave him more confidence.

And me… well I went for a run this morning with my lovely Kipper - he’s sleeping it off at my feet! Met my good friend Jan and had a lovely long conversation – I have been so lucky this last year – so many people thinking about me, caring for me, listening to me. I feel that now I’m a year on I need to be doing more listening – I have been so self obsessed this last year. I don’t feel guilty about that but I do think it is time to move on.

So a year on and all doing well – thanks to my many friends, colleagues and family – you’ve all been so fantastic to us all – we’ve done it well and you’ve been there for us – all along the way.

Relishing being home - again!

After three nights away - I got home this afternoon - and it is lovely. Went to Tescos with Jim and made soup - he's gone off to a party. I have just had a huge, hot bubble bath in the giant bath - and was thinking about how things are different now - so very nearly one year on.

I'm different - I look a bit different - a bit thinner - dressed in post Chris clothes - though still having some of my old favourites. The me inside is not very different but I have had to change - don't know if it's changing or just making different parts of me come to the surface. I have had to become much more self-sufficient. No one to share everything with. I can talk to lots of people about lots of things but there is so much that I have to think through for myself. I suppose that what's 35 years together give you - wonderful depth and understanding but maybe less self sufficiency.

House is different - big bath and blue kitchen - bedroom on surface much the same but now MY bedroom - just full of my things, different CD player, with different music playing - no TV or World Service. Smelling different - I indulge myself with candles and fragrant oils.

I am so aware of the one year anniversary and have been for quite a while now. Not sure how I will take it - maybe I will cry all day but maybe I will just take a big breath and get on with it. That's what I'm hoping anyway. I remember taking nephews and niece to Alton Towers on the first anniversary of Michael's death - that was 10 years ago this summer. I know Jenny is thinking about me as I have been thinking about her for 10 years. She is wonderful and a I think a lot of how she and Ali have got on with their life after losing their 19 year old son.

Back to the constant 'how lucky am I' mantra - yes I have lost Chris and so have his friends - I am sometimes hit by their loss. I know my lovely three big boys all miss their Dad in different ways but they are good and getting on with their own lives - bottom line is Chris isn't here anymore so we have to just get on with our lives - and back to the start of this blog - appreciating and enjoying life - it's basically all we have - and tonight I am just relishing being home!

It's lovely to be home

Wow - 2 weeks away and back home today - and it is such a good feeling! Well aware that I am back home in a Chris free house - but a year IS a long time - though in so many ways no time - but this time last year I was coming home from the COE conference - welcomed by Chris with comfort food and all that went along with with a Chris welcome home - this time Jim and I arrived at Manchester - went to the Spar and bought some milk for a cup of tea and came home to an empty house - BUT this shows how far we have come - it was OK - going with Rob to pick the dog up and Tescos - Gilly coming round - talking on the phone to my parents and a couple of friends. It was really OK - it just feels great to be home - to my newly painted kitchen and all the other things of my new post Chris life. So that's good.

I am so pleased Jim came with me - for both myself and for Jim. I was always going to find my first COE conference hard - meeting people I hadn't met for a year - lovely people that I know well and who know me and care for me - so that was going to be hard. I thought Jim would get a lot from this trip and I really think that he has. On so many levels - the Jim who came back with me today was a different young man from the one I left with a couple of weeks ago. I think the 'deep end' is probably a good description to where he has been but I think it was what was needed - he was well out of his comfort zone and he was brilliant. Jim doesn't find meeting people easy - he does not have a lot of confidence in himself but the last couple of weeks he has met so many people, had to have so many conversations, seen so many new things and had to think about himself - his Mum and the wider world and he has grown as a consequence.

I don't really need to say how lucky am I - but I don't think I can finish a blog without saying it - how lucky am I - going away and seeing my life from the other side of the world just makes me think how lucky I am - this is is so visible to me tonight as I relish being home - even if I can hear the dog howling in the kitchen - don't think Kip had a good couple of weeks in the kennels - he is also looking very skinny - sorry Kip - you and me and both so happy to be home!

New York

After a couple of days in Boston, followed by two with Brenda and Dan in Rhode Island, Jimmy and I have spend the last couple of days with Harri in New York. It has been fun. Neither Harri or Jimmy have been to New York before and our feet hurt from walking!

Yesterday we went to dinner with Ingvild - we went to a Japanese restaurant where Brian our Chef cooked and performed and then we went up the Rockerfeller Building and looked over New York at night - magic and special times.



Today we went to Ellis Island as Harri wanted to check out his Great Grand Parents. Then we walked some more!

Tomorrow off to Chicago and starting work again. Still feel my huge ambivalence to America - it has been interesting to watch Jim make up his mind about things - he will never really understand Americans as he hates shopping and can't understand why anyone could want to own more than three pair of jeans at anyone time - I have loved his comments over the last few days!

Anyway - it's very enoyable to be in the US with Europeans Harri - Finland - and Ingvild - Norway - they just understand.

What ever how lucky am I - feeling OK and prepared for tomorrow and the next few days and then it will be back to proper work at home!

Back in Boston

This time with Jimmy. We arrived yesterday and went out on a boat round the islands - a good way to compat falling asleep!

This trip is a mixture of work and holiday - and I had a very good meeting today - seems a strangely natural thing to do! I have thought quite a lot about the Tricia that was here in December - it is good as I can see how far I've come on in a few months. I am so pleased to have Jimmy with me - he's fast asleep as I type - the combination of 5 days at the Leeds festival and jet lag having caught up with him.

The small hours

I am currently very obsessed with the fact that soon it will be a year ago that Chris died. Lots of stuff involved with this, firstly my lovely Chris has not been with us for nearly a year – that makes me cry as I type – unbelievable – yet reality. Secondly I am so proud of myself and my boys – moving on – looking positive – doing what we have had to do – and all of us doing it really well. Thirdly – meaning of life stuff – I have had so much time to think over the last year – my brain hurts!

So it is Friday night – I am in bed ridiculously early but Jim is away camping at the Leeds festival – and I have had a pretty emotionally topsy turvy week. Lots of thinking about the future…. It’s now ridiculously early Saturday morning and having fallen asleep – I now can’t sleep – too much whirling around in my head.

The small hours of the morning are when small worries become big and the world seems a pretty hopeless mess. Chris knew this time very well – he never slept well and sometimes – for months at a go - he would get pain during the night – he was amazing as he would be awake for hours during the night but then get up and live his normal day.

When he died Chris was tired. I had in my heart known that he would not live to be an old man. I think I had known this for a long time. That didn’t mean I expected him to die – but from the minute I got the phone call from Jimmy – I knew he was going to die.

I think this knowledge has helped me a lot over the last year – as I don’t think 'I wish Chris was here' – what I do think is – 'I miss you so much but I’m not unhappy that you have died'. Writing that sentence was difficult as to say I am not unhappy that Chris died sounds terrible – but what I mean is – Chris was tired and as Alex said at the time – 'He died as old as you can be to die a young man.'

Does that mean Chris was ready to die – not ready as in wanting to die but ready as in prepared to die – yes I think so - he had had so many small hours of the morning to think – too many – he wasn’t afraid of death – he had been so close in the past. I suppose this insight made him the lovely special man that he was. The lovely man that is now gone and that we must live without.

In someways this blogg has helped me understand that all this thinking that I am going through is also preparing me for my own death and part of the process that we all have to do in recognising our own mortality. Who said small hour thinking is cheerful!

So big breath, little weep – recognise my good luck and fortune and it is time to go back to sleep. The birds are starting to sing.

Half way through the summer of 2007

I do find it weird to be me at the moment – I feel I’m neither one thing or the other at the moment – coming up to a year widowed but still feeling like I’m the person I was before Chris died - but obviously am not – knowing that I am going through a period of transition to become the person I will become when I truly understand being widowed – i.e. accepting that Chris has gone but before I become the post Chris person I have to think through who I am - but the bottom line is I never really thought through who was previous me – let alone a new me!

Anyway – post Chris Trish has just spent a happy few days in Rome with Gilly – good fun but it felt like a weekend away so when I came home it felt even stranger - Alex being home with his girlfriend Lara was another first - missed Chris badly - I think we all did. Then back to work the last couple of days – that also feels a bit weird as I’m always away at this time of year and it is strangely quiet – not feeling totally motivated – not certain why – suppose just have to get on with it – accept things – I think that must be the phase I’m going through at the moment - acceptance – think that’s right – as accepting Chris is no longer here is my current obsession.

But – and I always have to find a ‘but’ – acceptance also involves recognising what I’ve got –how much luck and fortune I’ve had – and also the strangely growing feeling that I can see a future for me – two things being very clear - being the best Mum I can be – and continuing working in an area that I have passion for – but there is strangely growing recognition that there is a world that I have yet to enter – I suppose this is the post Chris world.



So here is me - post Chris Tricia at the Trevi Fountain,Rome 2007. Life is strange!

Painting the kitchen

Jim and I have spent the last week painting the kitchen - it's now blue!


Painting was the easy bit – sorting out before was not easy. The kitchen is the heart of our house and somewhere very much of Chris. The parties, the cooking, the conversations…. where Chris was Chris at his best. So painting it was a brave decision – I’m not certain why I chose now – it wasn’t really pre-planned – it just seemed the right thing to do last week.

Anyway Jim and I did it together – we had to make hard choices - like a colour that wasn't yellow - and then it did seem to involve a lot of work - having a tall boy around made painting ceiling easy though! I struggled a bit with the cookery books – then had the brainwave of taking a pile into work where they were snapped up like hot cakes which made me feel they had all gone to good homes.

When I first met Chris he had never even boiled an egg but over the years he had come to love cooking and he loved his cookery books. The sorting process wasn't straight forward as it involved me in getting rid of all his bookmarks and annotated recipes - they are hard things because they are so personal.

So tonight Jim and I feel very pleased with ourselves – job well done. Earlier today I did worry that we had possibly made too radical a change – and the empty feeling last night of a big empty, echoing room was a bit grim but tonight when we put things back – it felt great – I thought it was going to be very new when it suddenly felt normal again – but different. Which is the story of my life at the moment.

Anyway of to Rome tomorrow with Gilly for a few days - normal but different!

Back home and OK

Back at home, back at work and feeling OK. Went dancing last night - which I do love and am increasingly feeling part of the group - talking more - finding myself with a completely new set of people/friends.

Talked tonight with old friends - felt like writing my blogg - my Chris conversation substitute.

Have had a lot of flash backs recently to a year ago - next September - I suppose this is preparation for the one year milestone - two months to go yet for that. People refer a lot to the first year and I can see why - I am also now thinking that it doesn't all come right again after that first anniversary - which is a shame it would be good if one year made everything..... I was going to write back to normal but I suppose that what's this is all about - never going back - never having my normal life back again - but I now have to find my new normality.

Time for my pep talk - recognising all the wonderful people and things in my life - cherishing and enjoying them and just getting on with my life - and hey who wants normality anyway!

Scotland and back again

Time goes so slowly and yet so fast – I did savour and enjoy my time away with the boys – it was good. A whole lot of firsts – it felt a proper holiday which was a good first, staying in hotels with the dog on the way up and back – reminded me of travelling with a toddler – which as Jim is now 17 was a long time ago! We were lucky with the weather and had a lovely, active week, staying in a very comfortable house, with views of the sea – on the Isle of Skye.

I did enjoy myself - though it did feel a bit lonely at times – but there again that’s how I feel at the moment. Really enjoyed the company of the boys and their enjoyment of each others company – we did loads – walked, boat trip, pony trekking, swimming in the freezing cold sea and a few more walks – so a good time!

Scotland is so beautiful – I took with me the Scottish Highlander book and much of it was based in Skye – I found it very thought provoking – visualising the reality of the harsh way of life and Scottish Clearances etc.

Work tomorrow – not unhappy about that – am glad to be home – it didn’t feel so painful coming home this time – which was good. Did think about Chris a lot when I was away – about what he would have enjoyed but also about how it was different without him – still find it hard sometimes to think he has actually gone out of my life forever.

The dog had a wonderful time and is now depressed to be at home!

Holidays?

On my own tonight - after a few days in Amsterdam with Becki - she was a joy - so full of pleasure at being away and seeing things - and so full of enjoyment at the novelty. A real first for both of us.

This is my favorite photo.

Off tomorrow to the Isle of Skye with Aziz, Jamal, Jim and Alex. That will be very different.

Had a bit of a wobble in Tescos tonight with Jim - had this over-whelming feeling that this isn't what I do for my holidays - Chris and I did versions but so different - and tonight I recognised - probably for the first time that - part of my life - holidays with Chris is over for ever - and that was a bit hard - it was the shopping for a week in Skye brought it home to me. I did get a bit weepy but feel much more reconciled tonight - Chris didn't live his life wishing for things to be different - and neither must I.

I am looking forward - but I still sometimes I do feel drawn back into wanting things to be the same.

How lucky and I to have such wonderful holidays with Chris - and we did good holidays - but I must now look forward - to relish and cherish the holidays that I now have - and to recognise how lucky I am. Well that's my lecture over to myself!

Another Friday night

And I have been to Estabans with Les, Ruth & Erica - Gilly is working a strange shift to midnight tonight. I do like Estabans - I like tapas - my size of food - and the atmosphere and service etc is really nice. So a good Friday night.

Today like most of June and so far in July it has rained - today it has just rained all day. Wasn't at work- though didn't do anything much at all - shopping, washing but beyond that nothing - and my brain feels a bit like nothing too.

This summer is so different from normal - I usually work continuously and then take a good three weeks off and we would go away - Spain, Croatia - travelling, boats and beaches. This year I'm going to be off but bitty days and going away a few days here and there. I have planned - or more likely it has just happened like this - and in some ways I'm happy that I'm doing things so differently - though in other ways I would like to be going off on a proper holiday. But I suppose I'm living my life differently to how I used to live and that's what I must accept. I wont be switching off from work this year like I usually do, but again this is probably good as work gives my life a structure to live around. at the moment.

Anyway - it's Friday night and I'm tired - not unhappy - though a bit sad - tomorrow I'm running the 5K Run for Life at Aintree Race Course and having a barbecue. Next week Becki and I go to Amsterdam - now that's something I wouldn't have thought about doing last year - but I'm looking forward to it. Counting my blessings and recognising that things are different but I'm lucky to be me.

July 6th

Today is my 33rd wedding anniversary - and I must admit that I only remembered this fact when I was checking my emails and realised the date. There are two reasons for this – firstly Chris & I were not a big anniversary couple – we didn’t send each other cards or make a big deal of them – however Chris usually bought me some flowers and we recognised them all in some way.

The second reason is that I think I am in a denial/bereaved state and though I knew the date was coming up – I think I chose not to recognise it.

Anyway – the day has been fine – glad I was not at work - but tonight has been difficult – Jim and I commented earlier how well we got on – but tonight we had a row – I was wobbly and he is so angry – usually he is brilliant with me – but tonight I was vulnerable and not on top of things and we rowed.

So feeling weepy but – and I want to find the buts – I recognise my luckiness to have been married to wonderful man for 32 plus years – but do feel I am entitled to feel a bit sorry for myself on my 33rd wedding anniversary - 9 months after he died. Jim and I actually do argue very little which given the bereaved mother, 17 year old son living at home combo – we do well – and then tonight when I was upset – I phoned my other two sons - one of whom was in Berlin – and they both were lovely.

Jim has now gone out and I can hear him on the street with his mates – talking – I doubt he talks about rowing with his emotional mother – but he is talking. It must be hard to be Jimmy at the moment.

So 33 years married – 35 years together – a long time – a life time – a lovely man – who is now dead – I need to come to terms with this – and support all three of my sons who no longer have their lovely Dad in their lives but do have an emotional Mum. Hard but I do think they are also lucky as there is so much harder stuff to cope with!

Friday and not in work

In fact not even out of bed! I like the Wireless thing (technical term) we bought – it means I can use the laptop around the house including listening to the latest episode of the Archers in bed – or in this case emailing Debbie at work about some meetings.

But I have enjoyed tea and toast in bed – listening to Hannah’s CD – and upsetting the dog who thinks that his walk is very late today – which it is!

Feel a bit guilty as everyone is completely knackered at work with the remorseless regime of non stop summer schools and the final visit days – end of year finances and the mayhem which is always June and July in my world. Don’t see why I should feel more tired than the others but suppose that’s just me arguing with myself rather than accepting that I need to take the time off – I am coping but if I wasn’t doing four days then maybe I wouldn’t be.

So Friday – I will sort out some house stuff – new downstairs toilet not working – fix the towel rail in upstairs toilet – go shopping with Jim – absolutely no food in the house – sort out the dog’s kennels for when we are in America – better get up – can hear him barking downstairs – telling me he wants his walk!

Renata leaves

We arrived back from Galway yesterday and then went down to the Youth Leadership conference – where a friend of Renata was speaking – another wonderful young Croatian, Danjela – with the TRiO students. Haven’t really seen these students since I did the Welcome 3 weeks ago – though Renata has been out with them a few times – and she went out with them again last night – bumping into Jimmy and his mates out clubbing!

The Croatian links are getting stronger and I spent time with Violeta, Blazenka and her daughter Marta in Ireland and have arranged quite a few things for the future. There is a sense of magic around these links with Varazdin. They and I, both enjoy the story about how I watched the Webcam for 2 years before visiting Varazdin in 2001 and then meeting Blazenka and Renata in Stoke on Trent in 2003. Since then Renata has become so close to me, with Graz and holidays and visits, and now the formal links growing through work. A very strong sense of this is meant to be – though where it is leading I am not sure.

Galway was an opportunity for me to reflect on where I am going. In September it will be a year since Chris died and sometime over the following year I think I will be ready to think about where I am going in the future. But good friends and chance conversations are starting to make me think – there are two stages to this – first I must accept that what I do in the future does not include Chris – and I don’t think I am quite there yet – and secondly when I have accepted this - then I can start to think about what I want to do with the rest of my life.

But Galway though hard, did move me forward – what I do know is that my future in some way involves Croatia and Varazdin – because I have known this for several years now- and Renata and her sheeps just makes me happy.

Galway cont....

Felt the need to do a blog tonight - have found the conference quite hard - though presentation went very well - it's just meeting lots of people that I know and that I haven't seen since last September. The sense of loss was strong tonight - as I had a 'I'll phone Chris' moment when I came back to the room for the night - which was hard.

Anyway - am listening to the latest episode of the Archers and having a herbal tea - time for bed!

Galway

The Lakes were lovely – though I managed to forget to fill the car with petrol for the third time in a few weeks and ended up getting a lift from a very nice young student from Manchester Uni - to get a gallon of petrol – I never run out of petrol – and three times in almost as many weeks! This is what makes me worry about myself – I seem to be able to do everything OK but forget to fill the car with petrol.

However the walks were great – and we did a long one on the Saturday – with no rain – Renata was euphoric about the lambs and sheeps which made the walk very special and a shorter one on the Sunday with some rain – the boys managed to pack in three swims, two saunas and we all had dinner out on the Saturday night – so quite a packed weekend.

Monday was work and busy and then dancing on Monday night – I told them about Renee building a Sweat Lodge, burning ribbons, cotton and tobacco and praying for Chris – I told them because it seemed the right thing to do – and it triggered other stories - I do love the dancing – it clears my head. Dancing, blogging and walking in the park with the dog - my spaces.

So Tuesday was a bit mad and Margaret, Renata and I arrived here in Galway late last night and I met some old friends. First time meetings are still hard and I know I have a day of them today. I am also making the opening speech at the conference and I am worried that I will be wrong footed by a nice person being caring just before I speak. But Big Breath – just get on with it – story of my life at the moment!

Off to the Lakes

For the weekend - it is absolutely pouring down as I write - so I do hope it stops. Jim, Renata, Aziz, Jamal & Kipper - I'm looking forward to revisiting a couple of my favourite walks. For all I wasn't working today - I don't seem to have had any time!

Running and not really standing still

Renata arrived last Sunday and it has been a very busy week – but a good one. We went to Cardiff on Monday evening after work, as I had a meeting there on Tuesday. Before we left I found letters and a CD from Hannah – which I have played all week – and is playing now as I write this. Unexpected presents are the best. Running to catch up with myself at work but still took Friday off as I know I need to do this to keep on top of things. Had 12 for dinner on Thursday, 4 US Interns, 2 TRiO staff, Metap our Turkish Intern, Renata, Jimmy, Rob and my niece Becki. I found it quite hard – not the logistics but just doing it without Chris – he always enjoyed cooking and entertaining a group like this. But I’ve done it now and Rob and Renata were a great help at keeping the conversation going – some interesting US/Croatian/Turkish comparisons!

Went out Friday with Les and Ruth, Renata went out with the boys, Alex was home which is always a pleasure. Renata and I met Jenny, Ann and Evi on Saturday and we walked beyond Crosby beach, it was high tide and I have only seen the Gormley statues at low tide – we could only see a few heads – but that was such a different view of them – I enjoyed them – without being able to see them!

It’s good to be so busy – but I know I need to watch the ever present, creeping exhaustion!

Levels of exhaustion

Tomorrow is Friday – and I’m not working. My first official four day week – and I am so appreciative of this. I suppose it’s because my body knows that I’m not working tomorrow that it has let itself be so tired tonight. I have been really questioned this total feeling of exhaustion – it has been creeping up on me for a while now – I don’t think I have ever felt like this before - even when the boys were tiny babies – I have never felt this depth of physical tiredness. Not unwell – not sick - but just completely and utterly exhausted.

Talked to Gilly tonight and she said that I have had 5 years of intense emotions in a space of a few months and that this must have a physical knock on – and that made sense to me. Tonight I am also feeling proud of myself in coming out and acknowledging my physical weariness before it catches up with me in some form of illness. Looking back when I have been sick it has often been at times when I could be ill – when I have let myself switch off. So the fact that I am working – and doing OK – despite having a bit of a wobble today – but by and large working and coping well – however I am increasingly thinking that it is important that I give in to the tiredness – and just accept it as stage that I have to go through.

I have never really read thoroughly the booklets they gave me on bereavement but I don’t recall a section on ‘giving into exhaustion’ – but today I feel that this is what I must do – and that to acknowledge that the tiredness is a good thing. The other good thing is that tomorrow I am off for three days – lovely!!!

Doing what I would have done the night Chris died

New staff are invited, with their Head of Department, to a meal at the Vice Chancellor’s Lodge – and the night Chris died I was due to go with some new members of my team – and tonight I went with another couple of new staff.

I don’t know if anyone else had put the two events together – but in my mind the link was very strong. Anyway I went and enjoyed it in many ways – not least because I had done it – walking home I felt an over whelming sadness and then when I got home I felt really sad and lonely – on my own – probably for the best - I met Jim going round to his mates.

Thinking about it I feel sad that I am so upset just for me – I’m not really thinking about Chris – I’m just thinking about me – and what it feels like to be sad and feeling on my own. Now isn’t that self indulgent!

I think about Chris all the time but tonight I was thinking about myself and I suppose people would say – it’s early days – and that’s probably what you need to do at this time – but it is making me cross with myself. I am sad and I am lonely – and that’s OK – that’s how I should feel – but I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself – I don’t approve of that. I have too much in my life to enjoy, to appreciate and to feel grateful for – but I’m not - I’m feeling sorry for myself!

Anyway – good old blogg – to my rescue – I’ve written it down now – I’ve acknowledged it – don’t think better of myself for thinking these things – but do feel better that I am open with myself for feeling like this. So what to do – well – stop feeling sorry for myself – find a new book I’ve just finished the 5th Barchester Chronicle – count my blessings and probably have an early night!

… and be nice to the dog - Rob mended the back gate over the weekend – helped by Aziz – and then painted it – I put a caste iron bench across the path to stop the dog running into the wet paint – last night when Jim let him out – he chased an imagined cat and went slam into the bench – knocked it over and broke it!! I think it’s amazing that he can break a heavy duty bench and not appear even a bit delicate today – considering his injuries of two weeks ago – anyway I can be nice to the dog tonight – there I feel better already!

Socialising on a Wednesday night

After a day at work – London and back for a day long meeting – then out for a tapas and drinks on Lark Lane - thank you Deirdre and Margaret – I had a lovely night. It has made me recognise how far I have travelled – last time we went out was my birthday – which was pretty grim! Tonight I had a social night out on a Wednesday – after a long day work wise – it doesn’t sound like much – but to me – it feels like a bit of a bit of a milestone.

I’ve not been ready for this before now – it’s been easier to play safe – and rightly so – but tonight I suppose I did what many people do all the time – and in my former life I did too – but it felt good.

Today I did a couple of things for the second time – the meeting in London – going out with D&M – things are easier when you have done them once before!

Bank Holiday Dancing

Alex appeared unexpectedly on Saturday, which was lovely, and on Sunday we went over to Mum and Dad’s and met Max and Bryony which was another lovely surprise – we had lunch and the boys and Bryony, all took turns in taking the Mickey out of each other – lots of laughing – my Dad is very deaf and doesn’t hear unless you talk to him directly and I’m not certain Mum caught all the jokes – but it was a happy visit.

Today Paul and Susan came over. Paul ran a cable for the TV into Jimmy’s room and Sue and I went through a load of old jewellery and I sent a box to Hannah who is a professional jeweller - I don't know if she'll use all the pieces - many came from Chris’s Mum and Aunty Elsie - but it was lovely to send them to someone who could put them to use - and would appreciate them. I’m getting very good at sorting and getting rid of things these days! Paul and Sue are such special friends and I know they miss Chris hugely – he was very close to both of them – last summer’s holiday will always be remembered as a very special time for us all.

Then tonight I went dancing – it’s 5 Rhythm Dancing – a sort of dancing meditation – I do love it so much – and I did cry tonight - especially after being with Paul and Sue. Dancing gives me a time and a way to cry – it’s a real release. I can’t live my life my crying and letting my emotions be raw – but through the dancing I have space to do so. At the end of the session I told people why I cried – as it was a Bank Holiday we were a small group – and I’m glad I told them something about myself – I haven’t spoken much at all for the 5 months I’ve been going and that’s not like me!

Tuesday tomorrow but a short week – feeling OK about work – feeling OK about life really – counting my blessings and recognising what a lucky woman I am.

Jim is 17

Funny how things work out – I suppose it’s inevitable but Birthdays and special days are hard – anyway the dog has come up trumps and has been really ill – couldn’t walk at all this morning and yowelled with pain at every step – after the vet really scared us with possibilities about his innards – he finally decided that he has a sore neck – we think probably caused by careering down the path, skidding to a halt and crashing into the yard gate – whilst chasing a cat! Anyway – he’s on dog medication and we’ve to take him back to the vets tomorrow – but he did Jim and me a favour by making us pre-occupied with something else!

The hardest bit I found was to buy and write a card for Jim – signing it just from his Mum - that was hard - Alex’s birthday was the day after the funeral and I could write ‘love Mum and Jim’ on Rob’s card – but I did struggle buying and signing Jim’s card – which is pretty stupid – but maybe not.

Anyway we have now passed and recognised all five birthdays and that’s a good thing – Jim seems in good spirits and talking positively about next year and returning to school – though I think that all the sofa lying has enabled him to grow a few more inches – my lovely seventeen year old, six foot four baby!

Feeling much happier

As I’m going to be working 4 days a week and am taking extra time off over the summer. It feels like a lot less pressure – I am doing well and coping OK at work but I did feel that it was all getting a bit on top of me – so working less hours will force me to prioritise what I can and need to do – I didn’t want to go off sick and take a few weeks off - so this way I can catch up with myself – hopefully.

I have a job which I love and one I know I can do – but I am also aware that I am struggling. I have also started to understand that a sudden bereavement like mine has a physical as well as psychological impact – it was good to be told these things – as I was feeling that I just wasn’t coping and was so very very tired. So this way, hopefully I will keep on top of things but also be able to say – sorry can’t do that at the moment.

Work is actually very good – we are at an exciting time with lots going on and things happening – I am so lucky as I have the kind of job that can be as big as I want to make it – what I need to do at the moment is to work out what I really need to be doing – and then to force myself to say no to things that I don’t need to do - hopefully this will help me be clearer about what I really want and need to do!

Anyway the upshot of this week is that I am going to be at work less and this will give me a bit more time to do other things – or maybe nothing – and as Chris always said doing nothing was always what I very bad at!

Another week

Struggling not to feel depressed - and determined not to go there - though it has been hovering for a few days now.

Jimmy has been unwell and though it looks like just a virus - it has taken it out of him - he seems a lot better this weekend and also started to eat again - you do get worried about 16 year old boys with no appetite.

Alex appeared a bit unexpectedly and has made us all laugh - he an ability to lighten us all - though the fart jokes rule when he is here!

Had a quiet Eurovision - last year we had two Norwegians and a Croatian and were much European - but last night we had Gilly, Aziz and Jamal and we enjoyed it - lots of laughing and messing about. Again recognising how lucky I am to have so many lovely boys in my life.

Today I feel very tired that's probably why I feel a bit low - Alex is trying out the new bath and from the cursing think he has managed to fill it with cold water - easily done!

May Bank Holiday

Have been away walking in Yorkshire - it was really good - there was 8 of us - all women - and it was easy, fun and a lovely opportunity to talk. We were also very lucky with the weather - and the spring flowers and freshness were wonderful.





Ruth hadn't done much walking before and her pleasure and sense of achievement was a joy. She and I also had the chance to talk which was special. Ruth suddenly lost her husband last July and I have been thinking about her a lot over the last few months - as we are in many ways sharing a journey. So it was good to talk and for us both to have a depth of understanding of each other's situation, based on our own knowledge.


There were lots of flowers, including bluebells on all three of our walks and we did a good mixture of moors, woods and climbs.



So all in all a very satisfying weekend and one I think I needed. It's good to have some fresh air and a bit of distance.