After three nights away - I got home this afternoon - and it is lovely. Went to Tescos with Jim and made soup - he's gone off to a party. I have just had a huge, hot bubble bath in the giant bath - and was thinking about how things are different now - so very nearly one year on.
I'm different - I look a bit different - a bit thinner - dressed in post Chris clothes - though still having some of my old favourites. The me inside is not very different but I have had to change - don't know if it's changing or just making different parts of me come to the surface. I have had to become much more self-sufficient. No one to share everything with. I can talk to lots of people about lots of things but there is so much that I have to think through for myself. I suppose that what's 35 years together give you - wonderful depth and understanding but maybe less self sufficiency.
House is different - big bath and blue kitchen - bedroom on surface much the same but now MY bedroom - just full of my things, different CD player, with different music playing - no TV or World Service. Smelling different - I indulge myself with candles and fragrant oils.
I am so aware of the one year anniversary and have been for quite a while now. Not sure how I will take it - maybe I will cry all day but maybe I will just take a big breath and get on with it. That's what I'm hoping anyway. I remember taking nephews and niece to Alton Towers on the first anniversary of Michael's death - that was 10 years ago this summer. I know Jenny is thinking about me as I have been thinking about her for 10 years. She is wonderful and a I think a lot of how she and Ali have got on with their life after losing their 19 year old son.
Back to the constant 'how lucky am I' mantra - yes I have lost Chris and so have his friends - I am sometimes hit by their loss. I know my lovely three big boys all miss their Dad in different ways but they are good and getting on with their own lives - bottom line is Chris isn't here anymore so we have to just get on with our lives - and back to the start of this blog - appreciating and enjoying life - it's basically all we have - and tonight I am just relishing being home!
