New staff are invited, with their Head of Department, to a meal at the Vice Chancellor’s Lodge – and the night Chris died I was due to go with some new members of my team – and tonight I went with another couple of new staff.
I don’t know if anyone else had put the two events together – but in my mind the link was very strong. Anyway I went and enjoyed it in many ways – not least because I had done it – walking home I felt an over whelming sadness and then when I got home I felt really sad and lonely – on my own – probably for the best - I met Jim going round to his mates.
Thinking about it I feel sad that I am so upset just for me – I’m not really thinking about Chris – I’m just thinking about me – and what it feels like to be sad and feeling on my own. Now isn’t that self indulgent!
I think about Chris all the time but tonight I was thinking about myself and I suppose people would say – it’s early days – and that’s probably what you need to do at this time – but it is making me cross with myself. I am sad and I am lonely – and that’s OK – that’s how I should feel – but I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself – I don’t approve of that. I have too much in my life to enjoy, to appreciate and to feel grateful for – but I’m not - I’m feeling sorry for myself!
Anyway – good old blogg – to my rescue – I’ve written it down now – I’ve acknowledged it – don’t think better of myself for thinking these things – but do feel better that I am open with myself for feeling like this. So what to do – well – stop feeling sorry for myself – find a new book I’ve just finished the 5th Barchester Chronicle – count my blessings and probably have an early night!
… and be nice to the dog - Rob mended the back gate over the weekend – helped by Aziz – and then painted it – I put a caste iron bench across the path to stop the dog running into the wet paint – last night when Jim let him out – he chased an imagined cat and went slam into the bench – knocked it over and broke it!! I think it’s amazing that he can break a heavy duty bench and not appear even a bit delicate today – considering his injuries of two weeks ago – anyway I can be nice to the dog tonight – there I feel better already!
