A rather emotional day – Alex back from Africa, cooking a great gynormous breakfast for 5 lovely boys , and still feeling raw after this week – and then flowers and chocolates from lovely people.
Thought about what I miss/long for – I have lost part of myself this last year and it has taken me a year to recognise it. I think it’s because I am moving on and wanting to be a whole woman again, that I see now that my extremes have gone – I can be myself – and am getting better at that – but the real me – the more extreme good and bad me – is not visible. Chris was the one person in the world that I could be me at my extreme – good and bad!
This has come as a bit of a revelation to me – the new ‘self sufficient’ Tricia – doesn’t argue as much as she used to – with anyone!
I suppose the fact that I could and did argue/debate with Chris everything/anything – gave me a release – we didn’t just talk – we did argue – we did talk about everything to each other – and yes sometimes we would shout at each other - extremes - I could be good and/or bad.
Now I am middle of the road!
Tonight I just feel such a strong longing to be able to argue/discuss/debate/shout/laugh with someone and I suppose I mean Chris.
I am surrounded by wonderful family, friends, colleagues and I miss being argumentative – I suppose I am just missing the Chris Tricia –and I also know I will just have to get used to it.
Tonight I did have a bit of a wobble with sons – I don’t want to do this – but maybe I have to be a bit more honest with myself and let myself feel the extremes again – though slowly.
