Yesterday was my last first – the first anniversary of Chris’s funeral – I don’t think I have any more really significant firsts to do – I am now on seconds!
Funnily enough I had my hair cut yesterday – and Paula – who knows where I am - as she lost her mother and brother within a week last December – we recalled that I had had my hair done on the day of Chris’s funeral. I remember not being able to speak - so full of emotion – so a year on very different.
Doug and Sue were here on Friday night – on their way to Scotland – as Dougie’s mum died this summer and Sue’s sister has just had heart surgery. It was lovely to see them and we had a proper Friday night out with other friends – very enjoyable.
Today is Alex’s 24th birthday – spoke to him earlier – he had had a special lunch with Lara and was walking it off – he had a horrible birthday last year but like me – he is moving on.
Jim and I had tea and a bit of a row – which was actually quite a good row – as we both explained to each other what was pissing us of about what the other had said. Pretty grown up for a mum and a 17 year old!
I went shopping today and bought yet more jeans/trousers as I have gone from a size 16 to a size 12 in a year! I was looking at photos earlier on today and don’t think I looked fat – I did look happy if bigger – but hopefully I will appear in photos now happy but thinner!
Feel good and really OK – don’t know yet if I am happy – still trying to cope with being the post Chris Tricia – not quite ready to do happy - the photo 2005 – of me and Renata on a boat off the Croatian coast – I look very very happy – and thinking back I was – Chris and I did good holidays and we were happy.
But thinking deeper was Chris happy – yes I think he was on one level – but on another level I don’t know if he ever did ‘happy’. He did pleasure and enjoyment and he certainly did appreciation – but he wasn’t nicknamed ‘Damper’ for no reason – he never did happy in the way that I did/do.
So a year on – glad my last first is over – thinking a lot about good friends who loved and miss Chris – thinking about my boys – working out who they are – understanding this because I have never found the answers to that!
