Today is my 33rd wedding anniversary - and I must admit that I only remembered this fact when I was checking my emails and realised the date. There are two reasons for this – firstly Chris & I were not a big anniversary couple – we didn’t send each other cards or make a big deal of them – however Chris usually bought me some flowers and we recognised them all in some way.
The second reason is that I think I am in a denial/bereaved state and though I knew the date was coming up – I think I chose not to recognise it.
Anyway – the day has been fine – glad I was not at work - but tonight has been difficult – Jim and I commented earlier how well we got on – but tonight we had a row – I was wobbly and he is so angry – usually he is brilliant with me – but tonight I was vulnerable and not on top of things and we rowed.
So feeling weepy but – and I want to find the buts – I recognise my luckiness to have been married to wonderful man for 32 plus years – but do feel I am entitled to feel a bit sorry for myself on my 33rd wedding anniversary - 9 months after he died. Jim and I actually do argue very little which given the bereaved mother, 17 year old son living at home combo – we do well – and then tonight when I was upset – I phoned my other two sons - one of whom was in Berlin – and they both were lovely.
Jim has now gone out and I can hear him on the street with his mates – talking – I doubt he talks about rowing with his emotional mother – but he is talking. It must be hard to be Jimmy at the moment.
So 33 years married – 35 years together – a long time – a life time – a lovely man – who is now dead – I need to come to terms with this – and support all three of my sons who no longer have their lovely Dad in their lives but do have an emotional Mum. Hard but I do think they are also lucky as there is so much harder stuff to cope with!
