I am currently very obsessed with the fact that soon it will be a year ago that Chris died. Lots of stuff involved with this, firstly my lovely Chris has not been with us for nearly a year – that makes me cry as I type – unbelievable – yet reality. Secondly I am so proud of myself and my boys – moving on – looking positive – doing what we have had to do – and all of us doing it really well. Thirdly – meaning of life stuff – I have had so much time to think over the last year – my brain hurts!
So it is Friday night – I am in bed ridiculously early but Jim is away camping at the Leeds festival – and I have had a pretty emotionally topsy turvy week. Lots of thinking about the future…. It’s now ridiculously early Saturday morning and having fallen asleep – I now can’t sleep – too much whirling around in my head.
The small hours of the morning are when small worries become big and the world seems a pretty hopeless mess. Chris knew this time very well – he never slept well and sometimes – for months at a go - he would get pain during the night – he was amazing as he would be awake for hours during the night but then get up and live his normal day.
When he died Chris was tired. I had in my heart known that he would not live to be an old man. I think I had known this for a long time. That didn’t mean I expected him to die – but from the minute I got the phone call from Jimmy – I knew he was going to die.
I think this knowledge has helped me a lot over the last year – as I don’t think 'I wish Chris was here' – what I do think is – 'I miss you so much but I’m not unhappy that you have died'. Writing that sentence was difficult as to say I am not unhappy that Chris died sounds terrible – but what I mean is – Chris was tired and as Alex said at the time – 'He died as old as you can be to die a young man.'
Does that mean Chris was ready to die – not ready as in wanting to die but ready as in prepared to die – yes I think so - he had had so many small hours of the morning to think – too many – he wasn’t afraid of death – he had been so close in the past. I suppose this insight made him the lovely special man that he was. The lovely man that is now gone and that we must live without.
In someways this blogg has helped me understand that all this thinking that I am going through is also preparing me for my own death and part of the process that we all have to do in recognising our own mortality. Who said small hour thinking is cheerful!
So big breath, little weep – recognise my good luck and fortune and it is time to go back to sleep. The birds are starting to sing.
