Happy in Slovenia

Staying at Franja’s in Velenje in Northern Slovenia for a couple of days and then tomorrow I go to Varazdin. I’m not sure how I have got such a wonderful set of friends around the world, but I feel so much at home here it’s strange and wonderful. Last night we booked flights for Franja and Jan – he is so excited - to come to Liverpool for New Year - and we have talked and talked non stop since I arrived.

I was at a conference last week, and went out to dinner on Thursday night in Rotterdam, with someone that I knew, but hadn’t really talked to for over 6 years, and we had one of those magic nights. It started in the restaurant when the waitress asked us if we would like the Chef’s surprise meal and when we replied yes – this amazing dinner started to arrive – each element of which had been created with such care – and was accompanied by a glass of wonderful wine – it went on for course after mini course – and we talked and talked – magic.

I obviously talked about Chris and tried to explain how special he was, as she had never met him. Talking, also made me see how the sudden loss of Chris created such a huge void in my heart and soul – a chasm of emptiness – that sudden loss of the one person that I could talk about anything and everything to. I am only now really beginning to fill the void with friends, some old, some new.

Talking that night made me see more clearly and understood my bereftness - particularly in that first year – I can see that my heart was rattling around alone in a huge empty space! I think these reflections are also as a consequence of seeing the wonderful closeness of Ioanna and Pete as they live through their worst nightmare – their shared love is so visible and so special.

But here I am in Slovenia with Franja, and looking forward to being Renata tomorrow, and hopefully seeing some of my other Varazdin friends. My heart is filling up with love again and it’s wonderful.

Big and small things

This week has been a real roller coaster, starting on Monday morning with the news of Gareth's death, being with Dierdre, Richard, Pauline and Margaret and then being back at work. Going dancing on Monday evening and seriously stomping.

Working and getting stuff done. Not doing well at Spanish on Tuesday. Hector said I was so slow that people wouldn't wait for me to finish what I was saying! Then two evenings of old friends and the recognition of how short our lives are, and how lucky we are to be alive.

Last night, late on, I looked back at my blogg of Chris's funeral as I thought of Ioanna and Pete, and today I am going to their son's funeral.

The loveliest bit of my week was the arrival of a Hayhurst card.

As big things are happening, it is the small things that count.

Old friends and life and death

It’s very late and I’m wide awake – I was out tonight with old friends – sitting round a table talking with people - some I’ve known over 35 years – none I’ve known less than 25 years. Some of whom I see very often – some I haven’t seen for about 18 years. I think all of us found it a bit weird – we talked of everyday things but also of past shared experiences, memories, families – we also talked of people who weren’t there – and young people that some of us have never met.

I was also very mindful tonight, as many of us have been all week, of the death of Ioanna’s son – I told Erica tonight – at the end of the evening - as she had not heard and I wished I hadn’t but knew I had too.

So wide awake – and thinking – not a good combination for one in the morning with work tomorrow. Earlier tonight I wrote Ioanna an email as she had replied to my letter – writing that email also made me think – obviously about Ioanna and Pete and where they are now – but also about Jenny and Alan – where they were 10 years ago - and since.

Thinking about old friends - but in my email to Ioanna I also talked of new friends - and how some people become closer - and some more distant.

So I’m writing my blogg cos my brains spinning and sometimes you just need to tell someone - and I tell my blogg.

A blur of a week....

I had the office virus this week – it was not bad enough to keep me off work completely – though I did stay at home on Tuesday – and missed dancing Monday evening - but it did made the week a bit of a blur. It’s Sunday morning and still feeling a bit rough – but don’t think I can blame the virus for this one, more the excellent wine I drank at Fiona’s and James last night whilst eating a lovely dinner and putting the world to rights!

Have been trying to practise my Spanish - as Juaquina is staying next weekend, I’ve been working through my Spanish powerpoints of verbs - I've got them changing every 5 seconds now and they have helped me – according to Hector - he said that I have improved a lot this week - when made me seriously chuffed! – but I know I still have a long way to go. I think the Michel Thomas approach has also really helped me as it focuses on looking for patterns in the language rather than rote learning of verbs. It has made me think about ‘learning styles’ and how important it is to recognise your own. I just can’t learn lists – I need to use the words to find a purpose in memorising them – so I go around the house and park etc muttering away to myself – well next weekend I can talk to Juaqui!

Boys coming round later – don’t know what we’ll do – will see what they fancy – I can feel a mantra coming on – how lucky am I!

Sunday dinner in my house

A week last Friday when I made the Prayer Flags – I also went round the house – asking in every room for the spirit of Chris to ‘leave the house’ – that sounds heavy but it wasn’t – I hadn’t planned it – it just seemed the right thing to do that day. It was part of the process of moving on – a sort of cleansing – acknowledging that the time has come for him to go.

Anyway today I had a roast lamb dinner – Grant, Erica, Jack, Laurie, Perri, Aziz, Jamal, Nita, Gilly, Jim, Rob and me. A lovely dinner – I did the roast lamb with lots of vegetables and Yorkshire puds etc and the Luscombes did three gorgeous puddings. It was in many ways like so many Sunday dinners in this house – but it was also different – in that it was ‘Chris free’ – it wasn’t that we didn’t talk about him, because we did, it wasn’t that we didn’t love him because we all do – it was just that it felt ‘Chris free’.

Two years on is a different place - and did I so enjoyed today’s dinner – it was happy and just lovely – it also really made me recognise that Chris has now gone and after two years we must understand that he has completely gone.

I am the legacy of Chris – he made the woman I am – and I will always love him for that but I must also really understand that I now live my life without him. Profound thoughts after a special Sunday dinner.

Yoghurt and honey

It’s ridiculously early on Saturday morning – so early that I have just met Jim going to bed! He was in the front room with Richard and Jack – and I could hear their voices – deep and continuous – and I thought how wonderful it is that Jim has such a great set of mates and even though quite a few have gone away to uni – he has many still here – studying from home. I loved the continuousness of their voices, talking and talking.

Jim’s back at school and finding that a bit lonely – as there is only a handful of them from his original year left. The good thing is he goes to the library and works because he is on his own!

Rob passed his driving test this week – which means I’ll be getting the bus more often – it also makes things a bit easier all round! One of the reasons I’m awake so early is that I went for a pint after work - as I was on the bus – and then went to bed really early as I just couldn’t stay awake – it had been a pretty mad week at work as well!

So I’m in bed with a cup of tea – in the mug with flags of the world – and have just had my morning fix of yoghurt and honey. This is a legacy of my summer – home-made honey from Slovenia and Croatia – gifts from Renata, Ana and Franja and yoghurt from my yoghurt maker – purchased after staying with Tano and Juaquina in Gigon. I’m addicted to yoghurt and honey – it is just so gorgeous as they say in Asturias! They are also very symbolic of my new life and friendships – and if there were two things that Chris, who was not a fussy man, really disliked - they were yoghurt and honey!

I have also got a Spanish tutor Hector and I have made a rolling powerpoint of Spanish verbs which I will now spend time practising before my lovely old dog demands to go to the park – well at least it’s getting light now!

Thinking of Sue

Sue's Dad died on Monday and am so glad I sent them the prayer flags - thinking tonight about them - and other friends - making me recognise how important friends are to me - and have been - all my life - but the last two years in particular.

The weekend in stages...

This morning Sue phoned to say she had received their string of Prayer Flags - it was a special moment as I have thought over the last couple of days - am I on my own with this stuff - but Paul and Sue's reaction - and Gilly last night has been wonderful. The boys - Chris's sons! have now signed their own Prayer Flags which I have added to mine on the string in the garden and on their suggestion we have reserved two for Aziz and Jamal!

Tired tonight after a day dancing - lovely to come home to my three beautiful boys - we have just had tea - rather strange mixture of veggie things - but feel so happy tonight - and happy is good.

Prayer flags

Today I cut up some of the cloth that Rene took to the Sweat Lodge and made it into Prayer Flags, I then wrote my name on each flag and hung them in my garden for the wind to blow.

I took this picture from the spot where Chris last looked at the world.



Then as I had the sewing machine out I made the dog a new bed!

Now I'm going for a pub lunch with two of my beautiful boys and we have made a Chile sin Carne for the third one.

Second Anniversary

Two years on and I’m home alone – it’s Thursday night and Jim has just gone out after we had a fishcake tea together – this is one of our favourite teas – very quick – frozen haddock pieces from Dial a Deli plus mashed potatoes and ‘fish spice’ from my holiday in Provence with Gilly, all fried together served with peas!

Busy day at work – didn’t get home till late - have been aware all week, and particularly today, that it’s my second anniversary. Drove home deliberately via a different route – coming home from work, I often get a flashback to ‘that’ drive home – 'The' phone call from Jim - 'The' drive home – knowing in my heart of hearts that it was the end for Chris - coming home and finding him in the back garden – gone – and then the whole thing happening, the hospital – me and our wonderful boys - the long night - and then my lovely Chris was gone.

Looked back at last year’s blog I am amazed to see how much stronger I am this year – tonight I intend to have a couple of glasses of wine and - do things like look at photos and let myself wallow a while - because I think these are good things to do now and then - and it is the second anniversary of the death of my husband.

Am taking tomorrow off work – got lots of things to do and in some ways the feeling that I could have gone in – and even should have gone in tomorrow – makes me see how much further I am on this year. So tomorrow I am going to get a new back yard gate fitted and as Jim’s at home – Baker Day – and Rob’s coming round - we will go out for lunch somewhere and then Alex is coming home tomorrow evening. Then Saturday I’m going dancing.

I don’t think I would have done this anyway as nearly as well - if I hadn’t found dancing – even went dancing in Washington last Saturday – how amazing is that! I do love dancing it is just so important to me – difficult to explain why – but I find real release and peace when I dance.

So two years on – I’m me – the widow of Chris Jenkins, the international educator, the mother of three lovely boys, daughter of two elderly parents, sister, aunt and friend and colleague of many – how lucky is she that Tricia – very lucky and she knows it.

Washington DC...

This is my 11th COE Annual Conference and 5th one in Washington. I talked to Mitch last night about the two versions of me - the one of 1998 and the one of 2008. Mitch and I met in Tallin, Estonia - he reminded me of the actual conversation and location. The Tricia that came to Washington that year was 'fully formed' but it was coming here and in particular a lunch with Mitch, where, I began to understand what I knew.

This year has also contained a turning point - and my conversation with Rene last night, clarified it. We went off on our own last night and had an amazing dinner. When I was in Antwerp I got a Fortune Cookie which said 'Keep waiting for the right moment' and it's my mantra at the moment - it's important to wait for the right moment and the knowledge is recognising it.

The conference has a final morning session - big breakfast in the Crystal Ballroom - the Tricia of 1998 was completely over-whelmed by these - 2,000 people events - the Tricia of 2008 is much more blase!

Think about Susan everyday as it would have been wonderful to see this through her eyes - and I send her my love. xxxxxxx

back home - but not for long.........

Slobbing on the sofa after an early start to leave Antwerp. Then off again on Monday. I think the day I stop enjoying doing all this I will stop - but at the moment feel quite excited about the way things are happening. I'm also increasingly feeling a sense of 'urgency' about my professional life - I will be 56 in January and lots of people retire at 60 - though I don't feel ready yet! Does add to a real feeling of uncertainty about my future.

Funny thing is - as I've lost weight and probably taken more care about the way of look - I think I look younger than I did a few years ago - and feel overall very positive about my life - as well as being very fortunate and lucky!

Jimmy copes well with me being away and he too is getting older - if Chris hadn't died when he did, Jim would have probably been off to University at this time. So I do feel better about leaving him on his own quite a lot - he's also getting quite a confident cook - saying that every time I go away he cooks more ambitiously. I put three pizzas in the freezer a while ago and there's still two left and that wouldn't have happened a few months ago!

But as I am home I shall now go and cook something for our tea.

Home weekend

A weekend at home - a bit rare this summer- but who's complaining! .....and a busy and social weekend - Cuba night last night and Nita today - talking about my summer and catching up with others.

Feeling good at the moment but aware that I'm coming up to the second anniversary of Chris's death. Know the pain is still there - but it's deeper - but am also increasingly aware that all of us live with pain. Funny as I always knew that Chris 'lived with pain' which he did and I always thought of this as the pain associated with his legs. However the magic of Chris was that he 'lived with pain' in a wider sense and I think I'm beginning to understand more what this means. The importance of small things being just one crucial element of this.

But life is good and should be enjoyed and I do appreciate how lucky I am.

back home....

Well Spain was lovely - we got back on Friday - and although it's great to be home - it was something special being in Gijon. It was a bit weird really - just reading my euphoric blogg of last week - it was a very emotional week - I just had a really strong sense of belonging but also a very powerful sense of 'Chris loss'. It was a 'First' that I hadn't expected - well I knew it was going to be a First - but I just hadn't anticipated how much of a 'Chris First'.

So a lovely summer - Croatia and Asturias, family, old friends and new - what a lucky woman I am. Off to my Dad's 91st Birthday lunch today.

Staying in Spain

Along with Aziz and Jamal, I´m staying with Lara´s parents in Gijon, Northern Spain. It is quite amazing - we have been made so welcomed by all of Lara´s family but particularly her Mum and Dad - and Lara´s never actually met Aziz and Jamal herself yet!

I have found being here very powerful in terms of ´missing Chris´. I can´t think of a time since he died when I really thought - Chris would have loved this so much´ - I felt it a bit of it in Croatia but I suppose I have been concentrating on things that I wanted to do and avoided things that I knew Chris would have loved. So it came a bit out the blue when I got here - more worried about speaking Spanish and being guest of people that I don´t really know - I was never worried about the boys - though I understand my hosts were - in case they got bored but no chance of that!!!

Anyway the Chris thing - I hadn´t thought about - but from the moment I arrived in Galicia - I have just thought time and time again - Chris would have loved this so much. He loved Galicia and Asturias - the one regret he died with was that he never got back to Galicia. We had been planning that trip the day before he died and it wasn't going to work out that year - and he saíd I would really have loved to go back to Galicia again - and I said of course you will but just not this year - and as it turned out - never.

Anyway that feeling was strong and then everything about Gijon and Lara´s parents has been so evocative of Chris. Tano loves his shopping lists, they drink cider, the view is of small boats and proper boats - non of your fancy millionaires boats. The food, the mountains, the campo, even the mutt of a dog - just everything about this place was just Chris´s cup of tea - and even that´s PG tips!

Anyway I have talked a bit to Alex who understood because he had felt it when he visited at Christmas and I have just talked a little bit to Aziz and Jamal, who came round and gave me a cuddle and said everyone has to feel it sometime!! We then talked about Heff and Jeanette but are now going for a swim. Happy happy place too!

My lovely son Alex certainly knows how to pick a wonderful girlfriend, with a gorgeous family. Alex described Lara to her Mum as ´Gorgeous´ and she thought it was something to do with Gorgons! But this family is gorgeous!!!

Different sort of summer

.... with elements that are the same. This is my second Chris-less summer and it has been a nice mixture so far. Two years seems such a long time - yet in some ways no time at all and still a tiny fraction of the time I was with Chris.

We always did holidays - usually for three weeks in the summer and always independent travelling - I've not yet risked going away for three weeks - but maybe next year.

But going away with different people is fun and I particularly enjoyed Franja's company - it was a difficult summer for her - first holiday on her own with her son Jan, since her divorce - and I felt our company helped - we also talked loads and got to know each other really well - which was lovely. I also do love the Croatian islands so much - I had chosen one we'd never been to before - but I still had a few 'Chris moments' - because he too loved the islands - and we did have such happy times there. Particularly Chris's last holiday with Paul and Sue, overlapping with Jimmy and three of his mates.

Rob joining us was also great - and we had the opportunity to talk which - we haven't always been able to do - so that was also a real bonus. It's funny how things work out though - as I was determined to hire a boat - and to do it on my own - but eventually it didn't happen - despite having been booked in advance - and in many ways it felt right that I will do that 'first' another year.

I have also made an important decision this summer. I have decided that I do not want to spend the rest of my life on my own. I'm definitely not going to rush into a new relationship - don't think I could yet anyway - but an important first step is to recognise the fact that I do - at some time in the next few years - want to find a new partner.

Big breath - big decision - makes me feel a bit panicky - but I have started testing out the idea with friends and family - but most importantly with my own head!

So I have decided that over the next year that 'I would be willing to be invited out to dinner' - so I've now told my blogg - still a very scary concept though!

back home - and very late .... and later!

A quick blogg - because it's 3.15am and I'm at work in a few hours - but I needed to blogg to say how wonderful it is to be at home - and how lucky am I to have been away.

Jimmy got BCC in his AS's - which was wonderful - I have just had a great holiday in Croatia....

At this point I fell asleep!

............It's now morning and I have to go work shortly - and as it's Monday dancing later - Jim's off to Leeds festival on Wednesday - we have overlapped for a couple of days all summer!

Jimmy's home...

... and it's so lovely to see him - sounds like he had a great time - and from a Mum's point of view it's just so lovely to have him home safe well and happy - he seems to have grown as well!

Quiet night in..

... back in my own house - with my lovely Kipper - who seems to have reacted well to having been living round at Rob's at night and here during the day. I also think he had a lot of exercise with Rob taking him for three walks a day as well as walking him round and back to his house - Kipper's still sleeping it all off!

Jim still away - apparently they are getting a bit short of money - but that's natural and educational! Alex is also in Germany - not sure where.

Everyone at work is very tired.. delivery only finished last Friday and it's been a long and hard year so far - still seems a remarkable amount going on though - we all went out with the departing GAs and the US Interns on Monday - they go home on Friday - lovely bunch this year.

Being away has made me appreciate how lucky I am to be surrounded by such a great group of people.

Still in Germany

At the end of a very long day – and after a week of being a student which has left me either over confident or just not concentrating – because twice today I have got the tram in the wrong direction - the last time left me at 11.45 at night – in Uber somewhere – which in the pitch dark looked and felt like Uber Nowhere – and I finally worked out that I had got off the last tram of the night! Bit scary but finally found my way - very dark - very quiet - to a bus stop - where a bus magically appeared and after a strange conversation in German - I was back en route to the hotel - passing a sign which said 8km Kassel! - the bus took me - the only passenger on it - round the backstreets of Kassel hinterland – sleeping with all its lights off - before finally getting back to the station - my drop off point for the hotel - I was very relieved to get back here - two hours after I left the restaurant!

Had a weird day – course going well – we – the students are being quite critical of the teaching styles – it’s being run by academics who know their stuff but present it in a somewhat uninspiring manner – I’m not certain that this isn’t just the German method of teaching – but the Dutch and Danish are very critical – I’m just enjoying being a student – and asking difficult questions!

In another completely different way – today’s Lecturer was a bit disconcerting. I have had not had a lot of ‘Seeing Chris’ moments –since he died – a couple – but today as I sat listening to this guy from the Netherlands talking – I became increasingly struck how he had similarities with Chris physically – he was a man about the same age – but he had similarities of build and hair and skin, eyebrows – he didn’t ‘look’ like him – but I don’t know if I have ever seen anyone who ‘resembled’ Chris so much – it was weird. I had to make a conscious decision not to be upset about it - and I wasn’t but I knew I wanted to tell someone – so I have blogged it!

Anyway it’s getting late and I have to be up early to pack and checkout before another couple of sessions before getting the train to another obscure bit of Germany to get home - obviously thinking a lot about Jimmy – also travelling – as he managed to lose his mobile at Benicassim I am relying on Jan, Barney’s Mum for updates on their travels!

Mantra strong - how lucky am I!

Alone in Germany

But OK - not quite certain where abouts in Germnay I am - somewhere called Siegen - it's quite small and pretty and very German - picture postcard houses! The conference in Utrecht was very good - but quite hard work - a few people I knew but I found the whole programme very stimulating and thought provoking!

Off to the opera tonight - it's currently pouring with rain and it's and outdoor production of Aida - have already bought an umbrella - might invest in a more waterproof kagool - could be a long wet night! Talked to Rob and Alex - no news from the festival boy Jim beyond had arrived safely and the coach had been a 'masterstroke'! Rob seems to be coping with the dog - or the dog seems to coping with being at Rob's. so now time for me to go an explore Siegen!

Home alone

... before going off tomorrow - to new, unknown and at the moment bit scary places. Dog completely neurotic - lots of boys with rucksacks this morning was just too much for him - he really gets upset by luggage - and I suppose the atmosphere of excitement - however 'cool' they are!

Feeling that I'm burdening Rob with the dog - but have exchanged kennel fees for (hopefully) last few driving lessons.

Went dancing tonight - a particularly good peer group dance - I did the music for Flow which I was bit nervous about because only I did it at the last minute because of computer problems - but strangely - or perhaps because of time pressures - it went down very well - then after the quickest shower and change ever - went for a drink with Gilly as we haven't seen each other for ages and I'm off tomorrow.

So now I'm home - and home alone - still find this a difficult place to be - probaby because I'm just so unused to it. But I do feel more OK and comfortable than last time - which is good.

Had a text from Jimmy - he's now camping with 30,000 others in Benicassim and the 'Jimmy Jenkins coach' which he arranged apparently was a 'masterstroke' which just feels good.

So home alone - but OK - very aware of how lucky am I to be me!

A weekend of computers and boys

We have had a system32 virus at home - and we've been watching - like last weeks episode of Dr Who - as programme after programme switched themselves off!

You get used to a computer that works - Rob has been absolutely fantastic and re-formatted and re-driven and done all the extra little bits that we wanted - swore quite a lot during the process but got us back on line - followed by everything else - it's all running well now - technology is great when it's working but nothing more irritating when it isn't!

Having boys for the weekend as Peri is in London with the choir - as part of the Last Choir Standing competition - lots and lots of pressure on her as Musical Director. Boys had important weekend with Jamal's Prom on Friday and Aziz had his first proper party last night - beer, girls and being 14!

Tomorrow Jimmy is off to Benicassim for a 10 day music festival with loads of his mates, followed by back packing with a few of them. He has ended up as the chief organiser and he has done so well.

Went for a run this morning and passed the Beech Tree where we scattered Chris's ashes - thought about Chris and how proud he would have been of all his beautiful sons - it's thoughts like that which can still make me cry - but I suppose they always will!

Anyway - time to wake boys up and Peri's coming for dinner when she gets back from London later - I'm off to a conference on Tuesday in Utrecht and then doing a weeks course at a German university - and inspired by Jimmy's festival have arranged to go and see Aida performed outside in a castle next Saturday night. I feel quite excited about going off on my own - I'm moving on.

Feeling tired yet very happy

Went to Deonne's wedding tonight - and it was lovely. Had a few doubts earlier on - not sure who I'd talk to etc and that it is my wedding anniversary today - but it was a lovely wedding party - last year I ducked out of weddings but I suppose I also avoided a lot of other things as well.

Did feel a 'single' woman - but also feel so much more confident with that - also really enjoyed meeting the partners of my staff - which I don't usually do, so all in all an excellent evening/night - it's now 2 and I'm off to meet my family and cousins tomorrow so need to get to bed... but am happy it's my 34th wedding anniversary - and also reconciled to the fact that it's my second without Chris.

Life goes on - and it's now time for bed.......

Still dancing...

Last night with TRiO students at their end of Study Tour Party - great fun!

The week has absolutely flown by - very busy at work - lots of things happening. Off to Berlin tomorrow - spend most of last week trying to write a paper - which I did just in time to photocopy the powerpoint to take with me by 5 on Friday!

Jimmy went to his prom last night - looking gorgeous in his suit - he is so much 'lighter' the last few weeks - I think his exams were putting him under a lot of stress - I also think it has taken him this length of time for him to come out of the shock of his Dad dying, him finding him in the garden and the whole process of us getting back on an even keel.

When I was in Spain - one of my fellow dancers was a young woman of about 32 who was dancing through splitting up with her long term boyfriend - he had found his father dying at the age of 16 and because he hadn't dealt with it - was still - 16 or so years later on - unable to move on and have a relationship. Made me think about my Jimmy - but positive thoughts as I don't think he will be worse off for what happened to him and in many ways the reverse - it has made him take on responsibility for himself (and me) which has made him a more mature young man - and gorgeous in his suit - and that's not just because I'm his Mum!

Saturday morning and the dog's letting me know he wants a walk - then Rob for breakfast and clothes shopping with Jim - which wont take long!

Home from Spain

….. and very content - which is a lovely state of mind. Got back yesterday and almost immediately went to Laurie’s 18th Birthday party – which was a really good do and an opportunity to meet many of my dear friends – I was pretty high after my week in Spain –and felt a very strong desire to keep on dancing – much to Jimmy’s relief I managed to contain myself!!

My dancing week was amazing – lots of new firsts and a real sense of doing things for myself by myself.

Will have to take several weeks – if not longer - to really think through everything but feel very, very lucky that I had the opportunity to do it.

It’s Sunday night and I have a very early start tomorrow – am also pretty knackered – but it’s a lovely feeling to be home – still feeling the warmth and challenge of last week – mummmm it’s a great feeling.

I put my photos of the week on an album:

http://picasaweb.google.com/triciajenkinsno1/CanLlapartJune2008

Now it's time for sleep……………….

Dancing in Spain

Well dancing in Spain is as good as I thought it would be - or had hoped it would be. Today is Wednesday so we only dance once today at 4 which gives us time to visit Bagnoles and the market. We usually dance twice a day for 5 - 6 hours.

There are 20 of us. 3 teachers.16 of us and a beautiful baby. It's one of those experiences that are very intense and will require a lot of thinking through in the future. My life in Liverpool seems a long way away at the moment but that's good and I feel remarkably happy!

Today I go dancing....

… and last night I had butterflies in my stomach – that’s good ‘cos it feels really exciting. Not certain where I’m going or who will be there or what we’ll do – apart from dance!!

Feels like there are lots of new things happening in my life at the moment – and that does make me feel a bit nervous but I do feel more excited than anxious - and also lucky.

Jim, Rob and I met Lara’s parents on Thursday – which went really well – I was invited to go and visit them in Spain before long which I intend to do – so now must really concentrate on getting conversational in Spanish!

I did miss Chris very badly, I just felt he would have got on so well with Lara’s Dad – Chris didn’t really speak Spanish and Lara’s Dad has no English – but many a time we had left Chris in a Spanish bar with a newspaper and come back to find he had managed to communicate in some way with most of the people there. Most famously the time when he was asked out to compare scars with the cousin of the butcher who had been mauled by a bull!

But Chris ’s not here and wasn’t with us when we met Lara's parents but we did fine and tonight I will be dancing in Spain!

Blessing counting time

Sunday morning - am feeling very tired at the moment –– not a bad tiredness but a worn thin – ready for a holiday tiredness. Busy week ahead and then off dancing in Spain for a week – am so excited about this.

This is something that only the ‘new Trish’ could have done. I’m sure Chris wouldn’t have minded me going off for a week dancing in Spain – but I wouldn’t have wanted to do that then. Also on reflection I can see that I did actually feel - that the time that I had with Chris was precious - particularly that last year.

Anyway I now feel that all my time is precious – and a strong desire to make the most of everything. Strangely this can be coupled with times when I don’t want to do anything - not my natural state! But all this reinforces - my mantra - I’m just so lucky to be alive.

Shopping, barbies and Spanish

It’s Sunday morning and I will be going for a run shortly but am feeling a bit hung-over as Gilly and Nita came round for a barbeque and I couldn’t get it to light – it’s got all cracked – so we ended up drinking loads of wine waiting for it to get going. Have decided to go and buy a new one today – this one I bought with Rob when I was going through my bereaved shopping phase.

Having a shopping weekend as I bought a new breadmaker yesterday – as I had started making bread when Chris’s breadmaker – and I do so think of it as his – blew up last week in a puff of acrid smoke – fusing all the electrics – seemed ironic – so I went and bought a Tricia breadmaker and made delicious rolls for the barbie in it!

Working on my Spanish as we’re going to meet Lara’s parents in a couple of weeks. Margaret has given me the Michel Thomas CDs and I really like his approach. Google Translate is also really useful.

Am so looking forward to dancing in Spain - I found this on the internet which is a description of 5 Rhythm Dancing - and I can understand it!

La energía se mueve en olas. Las olas se mueven con patrones. Los patrones se mueven con ritmo. El ser humano es sólo eso: energía, olas, patrones, ritmos. Nada más, nada menos.

So a good weekend after a knackering week. Things to do and things to look forward to.

Bank Holiday Monday

On the spur of the moment - decided last night to go to Old Trafford for the 4th day of the England/New Zealand test - now there's a first! Went with Jim and Rob - and we watched England win - which was a great day out - did think I would put this on facebook - but not yet got the hang of that - so here is a picture of an England cricketer making his 100 - am never going to get the details right on these!

England scored sufficiently early for me to get back for dancing - so that was also a result. Feel better cos at least did something this weekend! Work tomorrow and HrH on Wednesday and then a bid to write by Friday 12 noon. But feel happier so that's good!

Bank Holiday and feeling weary

It’s very early and I have been up several times as the dog started and then the fuse box tripped – and set the alarm off twice - no idea why! Feeling pretty exhausted at the moment anyway – not sure if I’m down or just tired or maybe a bit of both. I should have been walking with my sisters this week but I had to cancel because of the opening of the building – it would be really nice to be walking and talking for a week – so perhaps that’s why I feel a bit low.

Had the boys last night – and I made bread and mini pizzas and we watched the Eurovision Song Contest – I fell asleep on the sofa before all the votes were all finally in!

Started to clean out the backroom yesterday and inevitably found Chris stuff – don’t know if I should do any more of that this weekend. Yes – I have decided I am a bit down at the moment – that’s good now I recognise it – I can start to pull myself out of it. Maybe the Bank Holiday has just given me an extra day and therefore the time to be down though I'm cross with myself for 'wasting it' - it's catch 22 because I feel weary and therefore can't be bothered to do anything.

I think the tiredness is a big issues for me at the moment. So maybe I should do nothing this weekend - but I've never been very good at that!

Jimmy is 18

.. and gorgeous - he is such a lovely lad. We are watching the European Cup - he can't do anything tonight as he has 3 physic exams tomorrow - and I'm so proud of him - as he has taken these exams very seriously - a few weeks ago I really didn't think he was on track but the penny seems to have dropped over the last few days - and at the moment - half way through - he seems to have done OK - I'm holding my breath and just hoping... it's so hard being a parent cos you can't do it for them - not that I could have ever done physics AS! He does seem positive at the moment - which is great.

Stuff at work rumbles on - the opening of the building next week is pretty hysterical - it's an unbelievable mess at the moment - but hopefully it's like spring cleaning and everything falls into place very quickly at the last moment!

Feel much more positive myself this week - a good long conversation with Margaret last night helped - and the dog seems to have calmed down with his early morning barking - but maybe I'm sleeping better and not quite so sensitive to it.

So my baby is 18 - have felt a bit of a Chris absence tonight - but that's right and normal - it's a significant day.

Bloggs and Facebook and an insomniac dog!

Well have now joined Facebook and have 4 friends! Have been thinking about the differences between blogging and face-booking - not sure yet - but will work it out - the big thing must be the reciprocity - I feel the blogg is very one way - well from my point of view - anyway - I think I will probably be more 'honest' on the blogg and I look foreward to seeing what other people are up to.

Tried to switch off over the weekend - as was very pressurised last week - and in danger of losing the plot at times. Have realised one big problem - I'm not sleeping - well I'm waking when it gets light - and today have worked out why - Kipper is waking at dawn and barking and barking! Sounds stupid that I hadn't realised but 4.15 is no-ones best time. I've been aware I'm awake ridiculously early - and then not going back to sleep -but I hadn't linked it to the dog barking. Though I should - as it's a bit obvious! The clocks went foreword and then I was in France etc and I just thought I wasn't sleeping and not being get back to sleep - that probably isn't just the dog - that's the stress of the last couple of weeks.

Anyway - Jim and I have discussed it and we are going to try various options - one a night - very scientific - tonight we will leave the radio on - to see if that helps. It's just after 9 and I've been awake for 17 hours and it really is too early to go to bed - though I'm very tempted.

Ups and downs and changes

Having particularly upsetting time at work at the moment – lots of stuff which I’m taking personally – and ending up struggling to see the woods for the trees – hopefully will be the other side of things in a couple of weeks.

Anyway today I have made a couple of decisions – I'm applying for a course in July – which if I get on it will be good – feeling very strongly that I need to move onto other things. Today when I felt really low I had a call from my colleague/friend from Glasgow which was really good – but reinforced this feeling that I do need to move on.

The other thing I have decided today is to join Facebook – I will keep my blogg – as this is me – reflecting on where I’m up to and in many ways replacing ‘Chris conversations’ – the Facebook is not that at all - but me day to day - though am not really sure yet - so far I have one friend – but welcome any blogg readers to become my second one!

Jimmy did 2 of his maths exams today and was positive tonight - which is really good. I'm so holding my breath on this one.......

Lovely weekend

Peri’s choir was in London so had the boys from Friday evening – made pizza’s for the first time since Chris died – as I’ve started making bread again – occasionally – the pizzas were really good - we then played cards – and Alex appeared later on, Jimmy was out at another 18th Birthday party.

Walked with my sisters and the boys on Saturday , whilst Alex did Maths and Physics with Jimmy. Later booked flights for Fiona, Rob, Becki and I to meet on Mali Losinj for a week, hopefully overlapping with Franja and her son and then Renata. Croatian islands and Pizza - a Chris weekend but without Chris - I talked to Jenny on Saturday and then Ruth and Peri on Sunday about how other people fill the gaps in your life. And yesterday we went to Gilly’s 50th Birthday dinner, which was really lovely, I made a speech. Back to work now…

France

Was good - lots of old villages, churches, aqueducts, history and medieval/roman ruins etc interspersed by markets, wild horses and mountains. I did less walking than I would have liked and Gilly did more than she would have like - but as good friends we compromised.

Thought a lot about Chris, for several reasons, we had travelled that area together and with the boys, he would have liked the format of the holiday and I just missed his knowledge and company.

Back home to find Rob – just happening to be here – which was lovely – it’s nice to come back and talk about where you’ve been. Jim has been fine but is getting a bit freaked about his exams which start in a week’s time, Alex on the phone – connecting with my three lovely boys.

Work tomorrow – can’t say I feel ready or up for it – probably because I’ve switched off – which is good. Walk with my sisters on Saturday and then Gilly’s birthday dinner on Sunday.

Feel tired but not sleepy but happy to be home.

The weekend was not long enough

Feeling very tired at the moment - and yes I have had a good weekend - never did the walk with Gilly - a combination of rain and stuff - but the rest happened - a lovely birthday tea yesterday - half way between Jamal's and Aziz's birthday - on request tomato soup and home made bread rolls - Chris would have been proud of them - not baking as regularly as he did - but have started to make bread occasionally - and should do it more often as home made bread is pretty special!

Went for lunch with Mum, Dad, Jim and Becki today - Rob was working and the boys went home as it is the fifth anniversary of Heff's death today - made me remember sitting on Peri's sofa that awful morning telling the boys that their Dad had died - they were only 5 and 8 at the time - a good contrast with last night when Rob and I played very competitive cards with the boys - a lovely normal family evening.

Lunch today was also lovely - Becki was gorgeous and Mum and Dad were both in good form - Dad's hearing aids seem to be working better and he was more involved in the conversation - he is so sharp - my Dad is pretty magic - he doesn't really converse very much these days - and if he does start talking my Mum often just talks over him - but when he talks it is special - he started crying today when he talked about friends who died at Dunkirk. he is now 90 and my Mum is 88 - though she doesn't look it and still swims 20 plus lengths most days. She has just been eased off the Abbeyfield Committee - they seem to have done it well and it must have been difficult for them - she has been secretary for the last 30+ years and key to their current building etc etc - but she is probably several if not many years older than most of their residents - she is pretty amazing too!

Anyway I feel pretty tired tonight and don't really feel ready for next week which will be a hard one - but the good thing is that I'm off next Friday to Provence with Gilly for a few days as her 50th birthday holiday. Funny can't believe Gilly is 50 - she was about 14 when I first met her! Gilly has given up smoking after 30+ years and has found it as difficult as it is - she has done really well though - but really giving up smoking means changing your life and lifestyle - not easy things to do by any means.

Have just read my emails and really feel for this guy I know - as he had managed to send this very personal email to one person to an email list which I'm on. It was a long and very personally reflective email that he had intended for one person which by mistake he sent to all of us followed by an other email when he had realised what he had done. Thought about my blogg but thought that although I don't know who is reading this (with a few exceptions) I am aware that people are reading it and write with that knowledge.

Still I love my blogg! it gives me space to write/talk about myself and for those of you that are interested enough to read it - thank you!!!!

Tired and not convinced..

Been an irritating and tiring week - came back from Edinburgh this evening - it's a long journey, especially as I only went up yesterday afternoon.

Last night went for dinner with colleagues and especially Fiona from Glasgow. We had a really good conversation 'til quite late on - our careers have had a lot of similarities and over the years we have got quite close - so that was good. I talked about dancing and also reflected on being in Edinburgh - not a huge first - but I had lived there for three years with Chris and sometimes a place or a thing will get you thinking and talking!

Feel a bit dissatisfied at the moment, work mainly - not the people or the place but the frustration that sometimes comes in any job. It's making me question what I want to do in the future - already a bit of a question in my mind and I suppose when something is on your mind - everything just reinforces it!

Anyway - a nice weekend to stop thinking about work - a walk with Gilly tomorrow, the boys and a birthday tea for Jamal tomorrow night with them staying over and then on Sunday, lunch with my parents, Jimmy and Becki , Rob's working, for Mum's 88th birthday which we missed because of the wedding last weekend. So hopefully a full and leisurely weekend when I can stop my brain whirling and hopefully get some sleep.

Very special wedding

Quaco and Sophie’s wedding was so lovely. I went with Margaret and we felt very honoured as our role in their meeting was acknowledged in the speeches and the actual ceremony. The links with Sophie and Quaco are special – deepened as a consequence of Sophie being with me when I got that awful phone call from Jimmy - sometimes people just become special in your life and they are – they are also just two of the loveliest people I know. So an extra-ordinarily happy wedding as the beaming smiles in this picture show!




Another working week tomorrow – hope the pleasure of the weekend stays with me – but I think I will better this week – hope so – the thoughts of my lovely friends also give me a warm feeling –and yes spring is in the air!

visiting dark places

I’ve had a shit day and though I recognise that these things happen from time to time – I’m still struggling a bit with everything at the moment -like everyone does.

Tonight – I can’t find any real justification for anything apart from I’m trying to do the best with my life. The fact is that I’m just feeling a bit lost at the moment.

My lovely Rob came round tonight – unexpectedly – it was if he knew I was feeling so low – and he told me that he’s come off his medication and he wanted to talk – I feel a pretty shit mother – cos I was obsessed with myself and my own shit day – but Rob is so lovely - he thinks so much – and who should say he shouldn’t - but I‘m just feeling so low I don’t know anything very much at the moment.Perhaps it's good for Rob to see me not coping - Jim's out tonight which I'm glad about.

Days like today happen – sometimes you feel shit – and I suppose that – know – that I should just recognise this – feeling very vulnerable though – but that’s life – you go up and down – hoping tomorrow that I will find a justification for doing what I do/exist for – not certain what the alternatives are but hope I can find them tomorrow.

Wide awake

Saturday night

Gilly has been round for tea –drinking wine, watching TV, talking, being mates – being home – good stuff – my brain is still buzzing from being away – body also – wide awake at 12.30 – when I should be knackered – not certain if I will get up at 9 tomorrow for a run!

Jim wasn’t very well last night – had a temperature and a bad cough – he seemed better today – out at Richard’s tonight – but that’s just a few doors down – felt glad I was home when he felt unwell – though I was out on Lark Lane with Gilly last night early on – being selfish in many ways.

My Mum said that it was good for Jimmy, as the baby of the family, to have to take responsibility – with me being away etc – and like all these things I think yes and no. He didn’t need/deserve what happened to him – but maybe it has given him real strength and it certainly has changed him for the rest of his life.

Also makes me aware that I’m also a third child (and child of two third children) – never had the responsibility of my older sisters – took me so long to understand many things which maybe Jimmy now understands – Chris certainly understood so many more things more than I did/do – his childhood experiences - gave him grief but also knowledge.

I have felt a real Chris loss the last couple of days – my head’s buzzing and I miss the ‘talking through stuff’ I would have had with Chris – hence two long bloggs!

My current obsession – compounded by the books that I have been reading - have made me think a lot about the things that you have absolutely no control over – like your mother’s state of mind, life style etc while she was carrying you – I think I had though through some of the stuff about the family environment for a baby/child – but the more I think it through - the more I see the legacy being a so incredibly fundamental part of who you are. Again my mantra – how lucky am I.

But it also makes me also think about my children – I can but hope I/we did our best – we did what we thought was good for our children and ourselves - but whether that was the right thing - I don't know. It also makes me think about definitions of ‘success’ – this is something that is so huge that my brain really does hurt tonight!

It’s now 1 in the morning and I think I should sleep. Thinking is good though……..

happy to be home...............

Back home in my favourite bed combo – camomile tea, hot water bottle, MY music and blogging.

Today started somewhere and at sometime in the middle of the Atlantic – got home 11ish and after a quick sleep – went into work briefly with Jimmy as he had a maths session with his tutor Helena and I wanted to show myself at work – building work seems ongoing but Debs seems to have got on top of the crazy furniture situation and all seemed purposeful and good.

Rob, Jim and I went to Tesco’s – managed the shopping bit - put 35p worth of petrol in tank and flooded the forecourt with petrol before giving up – one task to much for a tired brain!

It was so lovely to be home tonight – back on my sofa – knitting and watching the last episode of the Big Experiment.

Brain full of the last week – it was a good one – in particular the Medicine Wheel – spent time at the conference talking and being inspired by First Nation Canadians and their wonderful approach to holistic education. Much food for thought.

Being away – makes me so appreciative of my life – the ‘So how lucky am I mantra’ – fills my being tonight. It’s nearly midnight and I have a full day tomorrow but the jetlag starts kicking in at this time and I don’t feel ready for sleep – after a week of wanting to go bed by 9 most nights and then being wide awake at 4.30!

Read 2 books on the way home – one a story of a hundred plus year of a Metis family – which was one of those happen chance things as I have just spent 3 days talking to people from Manitoba – and the other on the Medicine Wheel – again – as I had just chosen the books at ‘random’ – it’s resonance was remarkable – I bought a third book but I’m too tired tonight to start reading it – but I know it will provide further food for thought.

Very full of thoughts tonight – so happy to be home – boys, Mum and Dad fine – though my Mum was cross with herself for falling again today – her body is getting tired but her spirit is still very strong – thankfully she didn’t break any bones.

Camomile tea, fragrant oils and music doing their trick - sleep is a warm prospect………………

America

I find America such an incredibly difficult place – the profligacy and wanton waste of resources, including people, very quickly gets to me. The recession and the election seem to have added another layer of barely hidden hysteria to the country this time. Went out for dinner with Brenda last night and I think Trish was shocked by hearing her analysis of the reality of the American way of life for her students.

Anyway we are off to Boston today and Canada tomorrow – I’ve never been to Canada so I’m looking forward to that. It’s still very early here but I’ve been awake for what seems like ages – too much time think!

A long day of thinking - and a good book

I got back tonight late after not getting the job. Feel pretty jaded but strangely not because I didn’t get it - I sat in the middle of the interview thinking - I don’t really want to do the sorts of things they were asking me about - and dinner later on confirmed my gut feeling - but what the whole process has left me with is a strong sense of - Well – what do you want to do then!

I had seen the post as an opportunity for me to do more of the things I am committed to doing but in a bigger setting – but the actual job wouldn’t have been that. I’ve had a lot of time to think today – as I had to stay over to Friday as the successful candidate attended a board meeting today – so I had booked on a late flight the day after the interview. I finally heard at 10 this morning, that I hadn’t got the job so I went to Amsterdam - tried to buy a new outfit for Sophie’s wedding but ended up walking/tramming miles and thinking about things.

I also must have passed almost every hotel/restaurant/memorable Chris location in Amsterdam – it was that sort of day - we went quite a few times just Chris and I, but also with the boys and friends including 17 of us for Chris’s 50th Birthday.

So a long - and in many ways - a boring day – but a day when I didn’t get a job but also one which has made me quite glad that I didn’t get it – but a day that also gave me a lot of time to think about what do I want to do now. I also had a wonderful book that I had bought in the aiport on the way out - about India - it gave me the best bits of my day.

Back home – in my own bed – with a glass of wine, a large camomile tea AND a hot water bottle – I am so very happy to be home – I’m glad I applied for the post – I think that as a widow of 18 months – to have made a realistic application is a pretty good mind set – I’m genuinely glad I didn’t get it because I don’t think it would have been right for me – BUT it has raised the big question – one which all of us face - but circumstances make us comfortable and so we don’t address it – what am I going to do with the rest of my life?

Anyway got home – Jim’s round at Joe’s – pile of letters including a string of Nepalese prayer flags from my sister Jenny – I will put them on a pole in the garden - that's a good thing to do.

Feeling happy - a combination of blogging my thoughts and being comfortably at home – the epicentre of my life/world - doesn't answer the question of what I'm going to do with the rest of my life - but makes me appreciate what I have got!

Easter Saturday

Easter is always a funny holiday with a bank holiday on the Friday – but this year it seems very weird – as it's just so early. I had intended to take the boys away for a few days – but just never got round to organising it – and then Easter arrived!

Glad of a few days off though. Things at work still a real mess, in terms of the move, with the furniture order and delivery being completely shambolic. The actual work is good and busy, though the building being such a mess is starting to get at me - and the rest of the team I think – they have had to deliver big sets of activities – like summer schools – working out of it. They are a great team though – I had a visitor the other day and we were talking about who was in the team, and how they’d got there etc – and it made me really recognise the fact, that they are a pretty unique set of people. I suppose that’s one of the major reasons that I love my job – because of them. Another how lucky moment!

Got my interview on Thursday and I am feeling quite nervous – not about the interview itself - but about what happens if I do get it - as it will be my first big change since Chris died. It wouldn’t involve leaving my current job as it would be part-time but it would be a new big thing for me.

I am trying to be very rational about whether I get it or not. I know that there are two of us being interviewed and that I’m not the no 1 candidate – and I know to get the post I will have to convince them that the organisation needs to change – so if I do get it then they want change – i.e. me and I’ll be pleased and excited – and if I don’t get it - it means they don’t want change and therefore it wont be me and I will pleased not have got the job!

So I shall now try not to think about it until Wednesday!

Alex’s is home so Jim will have another few days of Physics and I’m knitting Lara a hat – am making loads of hats at the moment – Gilly round for tea tonight and then a load tomorrow for Sophie’s 21st dinner and then walking on Monday with the boys and the Heyhursts – hope the weather’s a bit better for Monday – and I want to get back in time to dance. I have just booked a weeks dancing in Spain in June – and am really excited about the prospect. Dancing is a really big thing in my life at the moment – it’s my focus and also the time when I stop thinking – it’s that kind of dancing!

I’m increasingly feeling happy which is a good feeling. I was talking about it to Stella last night over a curry – how my brain/heart had a lot of connections to Chris which were suddenly and overnight cut. I haven’t lost any of these connections to things in the past - as those only now exist in the past but I did lose all the current connections. Over time I’ve made new connections to different things and people – and as my brain/heart builds up connections – it is increasingly making me feel happy. Makes sense to me!

Another week flies by.............

It’s Saturday morning and I’m still in bed – don’t feel as stressed, just hung over, went round to Deirdre’s last night and then met Les, Sophie and Fiona in Estabans – so it was like two lots of wine drinking in one night! Decided last night that I had been really stressed last weekend – the lack of sleep through waking ridiculously early didn’t help - so even though I feel a bit rough this morning – do feel less stressed - talking helps. It was very good talking to Deirdre last night – her father has just died suddenly – so we went deep.

Going to pick the boys up this morning as they’re staying tonight as Peri is rehearsing – going for a walk tomorrow – but nothing else planned – feeling a bit lazy but I can hear the dog barking - time to get up!

Stress!

As I ran through the park yesterday morning - I decided I am feeling stressed at the moment!

The move at work has been extremely shambolic - despite the best efforts of Debbie and the rest of the team - and much harder than I anticipated – three weeks which have given me tangible proof that Chris was right - attention to the little things in life is so important!

A busy ‘boy friendly’ weekend with Gilly round on Saturday night – writing my ‘Strategy’ for the interview in a fortnight - and continuing to put Chris’s music onto the computer and the fun bit - selecting two playlists of music for dancing tonight!

I have decided I’m stressed because I keep waking up ridiculously early – sometimes I start working and other times listen to music – but just not getting back to sleep. Have decided am not worried about being stressed but am glad I have recognised it.

Visible confidence!

I just wanted to tell my blogg - and anyone else who might be remotely interested that Jim got an A in his History mock AS exam - he also just passed his Maths and Physics. Given that the school wanted him to leave in December and he hadn't got more than 10% in any exam since he did his GCSEs - he has done so well - and it's all about confidence.

Going back to school after his Dad died - and then struggling to concentrate - his lack of achievement being constantly reinforced by test failure - just knocked the stuffing out of him. Going back last September with a temporary and un-sustained positivity just led to a crumbling of his self-belief. It has been hard to know how to support him -and I have really struggled with it - but with the help of his brothers, and a post grad maths Student Tutor - he has turned it round - he confidence has been visibly lifted!

Given the job that I do - seeing at first hand how the lack of confidence can have such major impact - has made me think - but from a Mum's point of view it's lovely to see my gorgeous boy blossom!

Still moving on but now with music!

Another busy week, our second in the new building but it's still a real mess. Too busy to have any profound thoughts - but maybe that's an indication that things are OK!

Have been downloading Chris's CDs of music onto the extra hard disc that Rob put on the computer. It's going to be a long process as they are all currently just Track 1,2,3 etc and I'm typing in the track and artist before downloading. But I think it's important - I would hate for the CDs to get lost or unusable for any reason and not to have a copy of them.

I'm also starting to remix my own CDs, at the moment only for dancing, but once I have them all on the computer - I'll be able to make my own playlists and CDs - I'm look forward to doing that. But they will be my compilations with some of Chris's, some of Jimmy's, Hannah's - so my music!

As the perceived non musical member of this family - I'm happy to be making my own choices and preferences. Couldn't have done it without Chris - but I suppose that's the story of my life!

Looking back a year

After I posted the Blogg below - I looked back to last February - and what a difference a year has made! The Jimmy and Tricia of last year have moved on so much - so that's good.

Very busy week

During which we moved offices. I thought moving a team of 21 would be quite a big job – but it was actually more hard work than I had imagined. A hundred little things and a lot of mess!

Last weekend away with Peri and Nita was lovely – the hotel was really nice and the weather was gorgeous and we talked, ate, drank wine, laughed did a little bit of walking and lots and lots more talking! So exactly what was required, I know Nita and Peri are living with so much more pressure and stress than me, and I have huge admiration for both of them. It was also lovely to see how much my boys are appreciated by them both. The weekend away was only possible because of my boys and I don’t think they realise how important their part is, in the lives of Nita, Peri, Neil, Aziz and Jamal. Chris and I did a good job with our lovely three sons.

Estabaned on Friday and Amnesty Quiz last night – we came third, Lara and Alex home and today we are all going to see Olivia, my parent’s first Great Grand Child. I have knitted some very cute pink things. My parent’s are treasuring the arrival of this very special representative of the next generation. I am sure there will be more but I don’t know how many of them my parents will see.

Busy and happier

Cardiff and London this week with lots of packing and shredding prior to the move on Monday.

Feel happier in myself – the depression – ‘What’s the purpose of life?’ type feeling seems to have lifted which is good.

It’s Saturday morning and Alex came home last night – he’s going to put Jimmy through his Maths and Physics prior to his mocks on Monday.

I’m going away for a night with Nita and Peri, the boys are staying here and Rob is staying with Neil. Both of them deserve a break as they are both coping with a lot more stress than I am. Nita hasn’t had a night off from caring for years and Peri has been running herself ragged with the success of the Choir on top of a full time teaching job and looking after the boys single handedly. So we are going to a posh hotel for a luxury night’s break. But my day will start with walking the dog followed by breakfast and the quiz with my lovely boys.

So how can I be down – how lucky am I……

Friday night

I feel like I’m going through a strange patch at the moment – but maybe life is just a series of strange patches – and the last week has made me revisit quite a lot of them!

I last moved offices over 10 years ago and I’ve worked at the University for over 20 years and I’ve spend the best part of this week – when not in Cardiff – going deep into my life. I felt like throwing the lot away but Paul – who never keeps anything – said that much of the stuff should be archived – for future researchers – and when I looked at it – it is an idiosyncratic version of Liverpool’s history – so I sorted and ended up with two things – an unusual collection of reports etc of their time – mainly 1985 – 1995 and then in a similar time scale - things that I was directly involved in.

Hindsight is an amazing thing – or maybe it’s just the understanding that age and experience gives you – but I looked back at myself and I was surprised how much I quite admired that Tricia - she was quite cheeky – though not very strategic - I felt that I do understand more now. But then I had an overwhelming sense of what has changed – or not changed – and that was depressing. How many wheels have been re-invented – how many lessons not learnt – how much older am I – and how much of my life has gone by! My snapshot being a tiny element in the world but a snapshot never the less and for all that work is anything much better?

Anyway it’s now Friday night and I’m home – comfortably drinking a glass of wine – lap-topping in the front room – looking forward to walking with my sisters tomorrow morning, having the boys tomorrow night and then I suppose at some point coming to terms with living life with all its imperfections and inadequacies- but what more can any of us do?

Being away and being at home.

One of Varazdin's angels.

Have been increasingly aware that I had not done my blogg for ages - haven't had the technology and/or wakefulness to do it - and I've missed it. I have actually read my blogg when away - on the fancy phone but not quite been able to use the technology to write a blogg - though I nearly managed it somewhere! I did find it re-assuring to read myself - and amaze at the technology!

Back at home after Vienna and Cardiff – both of which were very good for me and through which I learnt a lot. Am struggling at the moment to keep positive – being away is in some ways easy as I can put things to the back of my mind but being back home – I am very aware of all the things that are so much part of my new post Chris life. Today was not good – unexpected things happen – things caused by my not thinking things through. I have also had a couple of nights of weird Chris dreams. They are weird – as I am there – (dreamworld) having a conversation (vivid setting) with Chris – the discussion is happy and relaxed but this is matched by a strong feeling that he cannot/should not be seen by others. I’m having these quite regularly at the moment.

I’m sure this is a very normal dream to have but they upset me and add an under-current of uncertainty to my life. I wondered whether to ask the boys if they dream of their Dad – I don’t think I’ll ask Jimmy but I might ask the other two.

We are all moving offices at the moment which is exciting but also means that I’m sorting through my professional life too – which I think also is unsettling me. But time to be positive – how lucky am I to have my lovely boys, the opportunity to travel, to be moving with my lovely team into an amazing building – so time to stop myself being morose and to be positive.

Back home and it's Friday

It's Friday night and I'm pretty shattered after a long day at work but not complaining after having a lovely week away and now being very happy to be at home. Jimmy seems to have coped well in my absence and cooked well for himself - Rob was around - full of cold/flu but reassuringly present. My and Jim's new life has evolved as Jim grows older and we both get used to living without Chris/Dad.

This one paragraph blogg has taken me ages to write as my tiredness has really kicked in - it's Friday night and it has been a very very long week. Tomorrow I will hopefully sleep in and then do very little for the rest of the weekend - sounds good to me!



Reminding myself where I've been - back to the mantra - how lucky am I!

My birthday in Varazdin

Has been amazing!

In 1999 I found the FOI webcam when planning our first holiday in Croatia, and now 9 years on - I'm in my dear friend Renata's flat having had a wonderful day visiting a castle followed by lunch at Blazenka's after yeterday being treated to a birthday dinner at Violetta's - and Margaret and I are here to work - which between all the eating and talking about families, friends and the meaning of life we are doing!

I have no idea how my life and Varazdin have become so embroiled - but the reality is - it has and I am just so amazed and appreciative of this.

What more can I say....................

A how lucky am I blogg

It's very late and I have had just had a lovely lovely evening. Unexpected and arranged by Gilly - birthday meal at the Red Fort - 16 of us - and then drinks afterwards - and then I'm off to Amsterdam and Croatia tomorrow - just felt quite over whelmed by the love and affection of tonight.

It was in some ways the fact it was so unexpected that the amazingnuss of being with friends and being the focus of such a happy night was genuinely amazing

I know that I gain so much from my friends/family - but also being the centre of it tonight made me feel so loved - which is about as fortunate that any one person can feel.

How lucky am I?

Getting excited about the year to come!

I did so much the right thing by having this last week off and getting myself ready for the year to come. Did mundane stuff - like painting toilets - both of which are now repainted - though probably look very similar to what they did - which is OK - it's like my life - I know it's very different thought on the surface might look the same - but it's actually very different - but I also know the work this involves!

Anyway the time off and being on my own - painting etc was very good for me as it enabled me to think through my priorities for the next year. Made a few important decisions - though only about things that I can make decisions about - I also know that I must be prepared for the unexpected - but the chance to have some quiet time on my own has been very very good.

Had a lovely conversation with Sue tonight after inviting her to join my world for a week next September - a good decision which has added to both of our lives.

Then phone coversation with Nita - planning a weekend away - which she so much needs.

Boys are around - Peri's choir is part of the opening the new Liverpool Arena tonight - but I am very happy to be at home with the boys - Aziz watching 'Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon' - intently - Jamal is playing hand held computer game and pretending to watch - Jim's out at another 18th birthday.

We have had a good day - boys dropped off early because of Arena gig - so they came with me for dog walk in the park - followed by a Rob led Guardian quiz - I did breakfast - my favourite thing to do - and we did well in the quiz - which was nice - and then unusually for me - I felt at a bit of a loose end so I took the boys to the cinema.

My birthday on Saturday - and when out last night it was decided by Gilly - that we would all go out next Thursday night for a curry at the Red Fort - then off to Amsterdam/Croatia/Slovenia on Friday - work stuff but involving some of my favourite people - how lucky am I?

Bitter sweet thoughts

You only know what you have to lose when you have lost it – I have been so fortunate all my life – I haven’t had to face loss – parents still alive – married at 21 – 3 lovely boys and the love of a good man – all my problems have been really small – because I have just been too busy getting on with life.

I now feel that all aspects of my life are so precious – my health, my family, my friends, my lovely job – these are so much day to day acceptances of mine and yet so very very priceless.

As I look back at my past and as I start to see a future - I have such an over whelming sense of the need to cherish everything. Time is so short.

These thoughts also help me understand Chris more. His childhood and adolescence – the only very late child of elderly parents – who then so nearly died at 13 and then lived with constant and intense pain – gave him an huge understanding and love for life which I feel that I am only now starting to understand.

Bitter sweet thoughts and yes I do feel some regret – I wish I understood more whilst Chris was still alive – but also understand that I only know what I do now because he has died – but also because he had lived.

I thought about writing these things tonight and was aware that some readers are much younger than me – I thought - should I say what I think and feel and understand? - and then I remembered that you only understand things when you are ready. Chris’s knowledge is there for us all to understand but we probably only will when we are ready……

Terms of reference

Jimmy is watching something horrible on the telly – and having watched Sense and Sensibility with me earlier – it’s his choice - so I have opted for bed - to read my book/write blogg.

It is Sunday nights and I have been a whirling painting dervish all day/weekend – have now stripped, prepared, papered and bought paint and bits etc for both toilets – emulsion day tomorrow and both will be complete.

I recall doing something similar in my other life – but with Chris as ground crew and back up. Had a classic ‘out of my depth’ moment with tiles today – 4 tiny ones on a window sill in the upstairs toilet – needing replacement because they had broken – sorted in the end with slightly too large tiles from the shed – because they didn’t need cutting – a task just beyond Jim and I - though we did have a go – Jim was up for it but starting with old tiles was just too difficult – and I wasn’t prepared to buy new tiles – because I didn’t know how to cut them – and I knew we had some already. Anyway final result is idiosyncratic but OK - but as Jim said – it’s only a toilet!

It is only a toilet but it will also probably not get re-painted for several/many years and they needed doing. So I have nearly done them and am so far pleased with my efforts – the easy bit - the laminated post cards look great (they were the easy bit) though I have still not decided how to put them back on the walls. I’m toying with the glue gun - it’s these kind of small decisions – which tool – glue gun choice - that I really miss Chris. I have also been searching through the tools in the cupboard today as part of this process - and feel I should get rid of all of those that I don’t now what their purpose is. Chris was a man for first principal DIY – I was the labourer – together we made a great team! But I have done it with a somewhat bemused labourer Jim – so that’s good.

The process – which seemed to involve a lot of painting pipes – inaccessibly located behind toilets has given me time to think – and in many ways I wish I had started this blogg two or more years before Chris died because then I could make more realistic comparisons of my life pre and post Chris. I have painted the same inaccessible pipes before - but what was I thinking then?

So pleased that the toilets will be painted and hopefully look OK – they are only toilets after all – but also recognise that I take sole responsibility for them. Do feel a bit on my own through the whole process and that’s because I am.

Anyway my reflections whilst doing it was – what was I thinking before in similar times and I don’t think I know the answer to that! I do feel that I am a different person now – more thoughtful – though after all painting toilet is just that - painting a toilet – but sometimes it does involve more reflection!

2008

A new year starts today, my second without Chris.

I had a lovely New Year’s eve with Paul and Sue, two of my dearest dearest friends. We all went to the Kimberley Club, taking Kipper with us. He behaved beautifully despite the fireworks. I obviously thought about Chris a lot particularly in the Kimberley Club which he would have enjoyed so much, especially the pies (assorted) with proper mushy peas! But Chris is now a memory – he will always be an intrinsic part of me, because I am who I am because of Chris – but he has gone and we all have to move on.

So 2008 is underway and I think I am ready for it. I’m glad I’m taking more leave next week as I want to get the house sorted. I went through a necessary sorting and clearing out stage in the couple of months after Chris died and then a bathroom and kitchen stage last year but I feel the time has come for me to go to the next level – particularly in the backroom which is a real mess. I thought I would also paint the downstairs toilet – preserving the postcards in laminate. The dining room also needs doing and the hall and landing carpet – though maybe not all of that next week.!

I watched the birds in Paul and Sue’s garden this morning as I did at my Mum’s house and thought I’d put a picture of my all time favourite bird on my blogg – the long tailed tit. I didn’t take this photo but I wish I had – it is such a beautiful little bird.

Boxing Day evening

With the wonder of wireless we have been online courtesy of an unknown neighbour of my parents – the technology of which is a bit difficult to explain - and a complete mystery to my Mum and Dad!

It’s now Boxing Day and the boys are watching Match of the Day and my parents and I have retired to bed. Christmas has been good – we had fun at my sister Ann’s yesterday and a good day today at my parents. My Mum has just come into my room and given me a cuddle and asked if I was alright and I said yes and how much easier it was this year. She was very pleased – for me – I think – but thinking about it – from her point of view last year must also have been so difficult.

She is pretty amazing - coping with being 87 and coming to terms with her own mortality as well as the discomfort of old age. She is also living her life as the wife of a wonderful man that that she has been married to for over 61 years and whom she loves dearly but a man that is now 90 and deaf and though extraordinarily on the ball - very deaf.

My Dad got a bit emotional at tea tonight as he recalled my Mum when she was Bryony’s age and argued with his boss in the Officers Mess in Nuremberg in Germany in 1945. They have lived long and full lives.

Parents are funny cos you love them so dearly yet your relationship with them is so based on your childhood – I am at who I am because of my parents – and yet I am who I am for other reasons – in my case because of Chris and being the mother of my boys and doing what I do etc etc But I am only these things because I am my parents child.

Bit of a circular statement that – but I think I am moving towards recognising the deep and irreplaceable love that I have for my parents and that they have for me – but at the same time trying to recognise their vulnerability as people – their age – their foibles – I type this and feel so amazingly lucky that they are still alive – still a force in their own unique right – still so present in my life. Last year I couldn’t recognise this cos I was too wrapped up in myself but this year I can and do.

Don’t know if I can do more to show them I love them – make them proud – I’ll try.

Anyway – tomorrow I go home and I can honestly say that I have really enjoyed the last couple of days – I didn’t really expect to - and I can’t say I was looking forward to it - but it has been family at its best.

Christmas 2007

It’s Sunday morning and again I don’t feel up for a run – I’m really missing them but I’m so full of head cold that I don’t think it would be a good idea – so I thought I’d do my blogg and wake up the boys and see who wants to take the dog with me. Alex is home and Aziz and Jamal are asleep downstairs on the new sofa bed.

Gilly and Perry are both calling in today, to pick up boys and presents and then the boys and I will go over to my parents for Christmas – though only when I have got myself sorted - have been Christmas shopping with boys both Friday and yesterday to supplement the rather bizarre collection of knitting and online gift giving!

Have looked back at my blogg from this time last year – and can see how my life is more on an even keel this year. I’m full of cold and a bit dysfunctional about some aspects of Christmas but less emotional. Last year I was still very much that little ship in the sea full of emotional mines!

Have a busy couple of weeks of family and friends to look forward to and think I should try and get myself into a mindset which makes the most of this time. It’s a holiday from work but also a time for me to get myself set up for the new year, which will be a very busy one. Also I think I’m a bit run down physically – what with colds and viruses etc. So a time to get myself both emotionally and physically stronger.

So dear reader – I know some of you but not all - but thanks for reading – the blogg has been and is a very important part of my healing process. May you have a peaceful Christmas and I’m sure I’ll meet most of you in the New Year one way or another!

Rob is thirty!!

Tonight we had a lovely dinner/tea for Rob as he is thirty tomorrow – going to London to do what he wants to do to celebrate/recognise this. I can’t believe that I am the mother of a thirty year old son – Rob can’t believe that he is thirty! Like any milestone - we all miss Chris tonight as it’s one of those things.

But and always a but – the road to tonight was much more emotional than the night – we actually had a lovely night – joined by Gilly, Becki and Lara – we all, laughed and laughed – my lovely boys sparking from each other being fed jokes/humour from the rest of us. Good time and lovely – they all then went to the pub and Gilly and I reflected on the first ‘dinner around the table’ – 3 sons, Gilly and I just over a year ago – and pretty grim – but tonight a year plus on was light and funny – yes there was the 30 issue but that was normal – and yes we missed Chris – but more in the build up than in the reality – we are all moving on……

Christmas ambivalence

I have been ‘neutral’ to Christmas for quite a few years now – cherishing and relishing the mid winter break – the opportunity to have a holiday from work and to spend good time with my family – the focus moving from my children to my parents over the last few years. Having the money and experience to be able to cook dinner for large family groups and to give presents with out too much hassle. But for several years I have struggled with the ‘demands’ of Christmas, card sending and receiving and the prevalent expected excess and I suppose the nasty commercialisation of the whole thing.

Anyway – apart from that - last year was pretty horrible – a major First and thinking back I was pretty much still in zombie mode. I have been surprised to find that this year I am again struggling – I was talking to Ruth today – and she echoed many of my thoughts – she’s three months ahead of me as Mike died in the July but we share so many things and thoughts.

Feel quite intolerant of the superficiality of Christmas – am quite looking forward to sending time with my parents and boys – and looking forward to my sister Ann, Max and Bryony also being there – good things – time with family. Not coping well with the concept of Christmas especially cards – haven’t sent any and am not certain if I will.

Chris and I had also been able to go away on our own for New Year for several years – so the not having that any more is a tangible loss.

But just need to appreciate how fortunate I am and to not feel ashamed of these thoughts. Good friends don’t need cards to remind them that I treasure them being in my life – and after this last year I really do treasure and value them – and I do think I need to ensure that I tell them somehow.

Emotional week

I suppose it's because I have been physically down and emotionally a bit battered this week that I have been thinking a lot - suppose we all think a lot all the time but sometimes you are to busy to see your thoughts.

Also have had to re-assess my relationship with Jimmy - he's in danger of losing the plot at school and I have been hesitant or possibly too self absorbed or even fearful of getting too bossy with him.

This week we have had a wake up call – timing was bad – for me as I was emotional before – probably because I was ill.

Alex and Rob came to the rescue in their own ways – Rob by being here and sorting stuff like the broken plug and taking the dog. Alex for being very firm and telling both Jim and me to get our acts together. Things which needed saying – to both of us.

So the end of a emotional week during which I have thought a lot and felt lost and lonely but like always very supported – friends phoning and emailing – not even knowing I’m down but just because they do!

Anyway have been thinking a lot and obviously thinking about Chris – it’s when you don’t know what to do - that you really miss talking to someone who knows everything there is to know about you.

Woke up early this morning – not sleeping well at the moment and opened a book straight to this poem – which was quite weird. I have been thinking about whether Chris was really ‘ready to die’ in a strange sort of way – and this poem made me think that he was – he died as ‘old as you can be to die a young man’s death’. He crammed so much into his life – but he also took time to relish and cherish the small things in life – the shared cup of coffee – the ‘hand crafted worksheet’ – the preparation of a meal - but he lived every second of his life - with the reality of his disability and he really really did not want to be a dependent old man.

I must accept that the timing was right for Chris to die - but it's hard when you are trying to do your best for your children. I think I can do me - but I can only hope I'm getting it right for the boys and especially Jimmy at the moment.

I feel the need to take things a bit more slowly for a bit – not much use to anyone when I’m like this. Here’s the poem:

"Let me not see old age"

Let me not see old age: Let me not hear

The proffered help, the mumbled sympathy,

The well-meant tactful sophistries that mock

Pathetic husks who once were strong and free,

And in youth's fickle triumph laughed and sang,

Loved, and were foolish; and at the close have seen

The fruits of folly garnered, and that love,

Tamed and encaged, stale into grey routine.

Let me not see old age; I am content

With my few crowded years; laughter and strength

And song have lit the beacon of my life.

Let me not see it fade, but when the long

September shadows steal across the square,

Grant me this wish: they may not find me there.

by

D.R Geraint Jones

But poetry wont take the dog for a walk so time to get up and to get on with life and to make the most of my few crowded years!

Feel better now I'm ill!

Have felt rotten for the last few days and don't think I've been coping at all - struggling, weepy and just absolutely exhausted. So I was pleased with myself when I recognised last night that I was sick - I think it's the virus that everyone seems to have had recently. Like all these things they attack you where you are most vulnerable - and strangely or perhaps not strangely I felt the effect emotionally rather than physically.

Anyway now I have recognised that I'm sick - I am off work for a couple of days and feel physically pretty shitty but mentally a lot happier!

So I shall stick to the sofa and knit and have a quiet weekend - and hopefully I will feel better next week - both physically and psychologically - hope so - am sure so really - as the understanding that it's a virus has cheered me up significantly!