Third anniversary

Today is the third anniversary of Chris's death. I have been aware that it has been coming all week/month but it has been a much lighter shadow this year. I have just looked back to the two previous anniversaries and can really see that. One of the reasons I love my blogg so much is that I can re-visit my life over the last three years and see where my head was!

So worked yesterday as normal, had a Spanish lesson with Hector - and a year on I can actually have conversations in Spanish - how amazing is that, cooked myself a meal for one - bacon and mushroom salad with new potatoes - I like the hot/cold combo - watched part of a Spanish film - and talked to Paul and Sue for a lovely long time.

I was very tired last night - which when I think of how much I've travelled over the last three weeks was not surprising! My week started in Blanes and included a trip to Bristol which is two long trains from Liverpool.

Today two of my sons will come for breakfast/lunch, I will get my hair cut - it's pretty shaggy at the moment and then Gilly and I will drink wine and talk. Tomorrow I have a big group of Europeans coming for a few days and I go to Brussels on Thursday. But I will go dancing on Monday - so looking forward to that - in one of my new skirts I bought in Bristol made from re-cycled saris!

So I recognise what a lucky, lucky lady I am and I recognise that this is the third anniversary of my lovely husband's death with contentment and joy in my heart......

Blogging from Blanes

It's Monday and I have to finish of my development plan for the new centre this morning and then Fernando will run me to Girona airport this afternoon. I do feel so at home in Spain - which is great and my spanish is getting better but it's still pretty horrible. Fernando's house is a building site - so that makes me feel at home - though I know I'll be going back to a finished house - and Ed is painting the outside whilst I'm away.

I found america hard - I always do - and Madrid was actually hard work - but exciting. So it has been lovely just to have a couple of days doing nothing - we swam in the sea on an empty beach, walked, ate paella and fish and watched a film in french - and I breathed fresh air!!! There are two terraces with views from mountains to the sea and I have spent a long time on the upper terrace just breathing and collecting my thoughts.

So back to work properly tomorrow - the second launch of the pack and then straight to Bristol.... feel I have got my energy back -so how lucky am I..............

Having a first in Indianapolis!

Chris died just days after the 2006 COE conference and in 2007 I surrounded myself with Jimmy and Harri. Last year I went with Margaret and this year I've travelled on my own - and quite right too.

However I suddenly found myself today on my own in Indianapolis - I couldn't even point to it on a map - got the time zone wrong earlier today - and although I travel all the time on my own - it did suddenly feel that I was very much on my own. Might be something to do with having been with so many of my friends for the last few days.

I have been coming to the COE conference for the last 11 years - and have a group of very dear friends and I also know so many people - many have been to Liverpool on the staff tours, or their staff or students have been etc etc - so the COE conference is always a giant thing - but the bottom line is it's work - and I'm tired tonight.

...........continued the next morning. Felt quite lonely last night when writing this - when Lesley popped up on Facebook and we ended up talking for hours - she has some phone deal with free calls to the US! It was wonderful.

I'm such a lucky person, I feel lonely - so a friend with a great phone deal just appears!!

Staying in Houston

Has been wonderful – which I didn’t expect as I so struggle with America – I find the level of hatred and fear palpable – as I witnessed yesterday in the anger around President’s Obama’s speech to the school children. Bobbye put this radio station on and it was like the car just filled up with venom. A country of extremes which is also home to some of the loveliest people I know.

The joy of being in Houston has been Bobbye, Jackie and Mama. I’ve known Bobbye for 11 years, since she did the very first Black Roots summer school and have met Jackie a couple of times since they married 6 years ago – but had not spent time with the lovely man until now.... and Mama – she is so special – now in her 90s and very very frail with dementia – she is just such an amazing person.

As I type I’m sitting next to her as she sleeps. She doesn’t always remember me – but when she does – she gives me the most wonderful smile of recognition and then she forgets – so every time she remembers me I get this amazing welcome.

Mama is very old now – well into her 90s – and has had a lifetime which has gone from growing up in New York, the daughter of a housekeeper of a German artist, to now living with her only daughter in Houston. Her only brother died tragically as a young man, a now recognised Black artist with a painting in the Smithsonian. So no immediate next generation but a huge extended family across the USA.

I am so pleased that I made it here to spend time with Mama before she goes, I have helped Bobbye tend to her and made chicken soup yesterday. I’m crying as I type this and look at this wonderful frail old lady sleeping gently next to me. I do know why I feel so strongly about Mama – we just ‘clicked’ when we met and my love for her was met by hers for me.

Mama’s Great Grandmother was born a slave. As I write this sentence and look at the wonderful old lady sleeping beside me – the enormity of this statement resonates around me. Mama used to spend her summers in Georgia with her Grand Mother and Great Grand Mother. I am one cuddle away from a woman who was born enslaved.

I’m going to put two pictures with this blog – one of Mama as a young woman in the 1930s and one of Mama and me.

My heart hurts but also radiates with love.

Spirithorse

The Valley of Dreams was just so much fun, we danced and we sang, we ate great food and we laughed, we talked and we enjoyed the rain and the gale force winds! It was a tent village of lovely remarkable people, who didn't care about convention or status. I felt so privileged to be a part of it, to be so beautifully embraced in the loveliness and often time craziness of it all!

It was also a profoundly moving experience and there were times when I did feel a bit over-whelmed by it all.

I had taken a small oak tree with me, which Lara had given me last year and had been in my back garden - and I knew it couldn't stay there. I had also taken some of the cloth from Rene's Sweat Lodge - and the tree and the cloth were incorporated into a whole village ceremony - which was an amazingly powerful and wonderful experience.

The valley is so beautiful and special and it felt very right to recognise Chris there, whilst at the same time dancing outrageously and being wild!

I went dancing last night in Hoylake, which I really needed. It was a lovely session and it has helped to ground me a bit after the weekend - get my feet back on the ground - for a few days -before I go to Texas.

Wow - I am just so remarkably blessed!

The Valley

Living on my own.............

Tonight - for the first time in my entire life - I am living on my own!!!!

Jimmy moved into his house today, all ready to start university, and I am now a completely independent woman!

Not that long ago I would have thought this to be my worst nightmare - but tonight I am just really ready for the next stage of my life. I am also very conscious of how many people live on their own, sometimes from a very early age - I am also aware that I am not the only person I know of comparable age that have actually never lived on their own.

So from today I will be on my own - rattling around this great big house - but comfortable with this - which is good - this feels very much as a part of a process -the Spirithorse weekend was absolutely amazing - also part of the process.

So I am now on my own......................... and it feels good!!!

An exhausting and emotional week

Hit me by surprise - quite how emotional and upsetting the week has been - the week of Jimmy's A level results - the upshot of which is he's going to John Moores to do History - a good result but not his first choice.

But the thing is - and I'm continuing to get upset as I write this - is that it's been such a hard three years for Jimmy - and for me too - as his Mum - I had the responsibility of helping him get to the next stage - which as Chris died just as he started his A levels - was to pass his A levels and go to university. It was an unspoken thing that this is what he had to do - because it would have been what his Dad would have wanted. Looking back over the last three years - he/we didn't make good choices - how did he end up doing Maths and Physics for three years!!!!!!!!!!! .. and in the end he was only two points off the grade required!

So I think so much of the emotion this week has been one of relief - though this has come out as anger in Jimmy and over-emotional tearfulness by me.

It's now Friday night - Jimmy is reconciled to his course - I actually think it's a better option for him - and we are friends again. We are both away next weekend and he will move out the week after that - and I suppose this has also been part of the emotion of the week.

I am proud of Jimmy for what he has done over the last three years and myself for supporting him - as much as I could - alongside his two lovely big brothers. So family Jenkins a joint effort - but an exhausting week non the less!!

Family holiday............

.......came as a bit of a surprise - though I don't know why as I did go with two of my sons, Lara and met up with Franja and her son Jan - but it was just that - a real family holiday - and just lovely - Nerezine is a perfect place - we did very little apart from swim, eat, read, played cards, drink beer, talked and laughed a lot - though I did run every morning, usually with Franja - which has got me back running - comfortably did the park this morning - so feel fit and relaxed. Don't really feel like going back to work tomorrow.

With so much going on in my life - a family holiday was just perfect - though I can't see me having another one - but who knows - Rob was also away having a ball in Bosnia and Serbia with a couple of mates - he's full of great stories - definitely didn't sound like a family holiday though!!!

So back to work - do feel a bit steadier than a few weeks ago - which is good - and how lucky am I to have had another wonderful family holiday.........................

Feeling good................

It's Saturday morning and feeling good - despite too much wine in Estabans last night with Gilly - where we met Jim and Les, and Les's parents and had a lovely time. Last weekend was also lovely in Blanes with Fernando - now that was a first! BMW convertibles are definitely my favourite cars!! It was easy, fun and lovely - lovely is obviously my word of the moment - I spoke a lot of Spanish, swam in the warm sea, ate prawns and felt special - and it was lovely!

Jim got home from Benicassim - really happy and relaxed - and has slept most of the week. We're going to my Mum and Dad's today for lunch and I'm invited out to lunch tomorrow - another week at work - then off to Croatia with boys and friends!

So I'm feeling good and very grateful for my lovely life - relishing being an independent woman!

Lara's graduation...........

...was lovely - I felt very honoured to be there and the pride of Tano y Juaquina was so wonderful and richly deserved. This is my favourite photo of my lucky son with his wonderful novia - and his mug!



Feel very excited as am off to Girona for the weekend!

IPWD y la cena española

Yesterday was special - Rob came round early and we had fun shopping for the Spanish dinner party, Alex had arrived Friday evening, so all my boys were here, which is always lovely.

Together we walked to The Beech tree in Sefton Park and I scattered the ashes of my lovely old dog around it's base. Uniting forever Chris and Kip.

IPWD - In Park With Dog was the message that Chris would text me when I was away and he was sitting on the bench in front of the Beech tree - and I would be in a hotel or somewhere - and I would know my Chris was sending me a virtual kiss. So now Chris and Kip will be for eternity IPWD - which feels right and good but also more than a bit final - a big step taken in my life without him. I was so pleased I put the big photo of Chris in the kitchen as it has felt so right to have him there visually at a time that I have said a deeper farewell to him.

We returned to the house for breakfast, Kippers for me and Rob! and did the quiz together - laughing and full of life - my beautiful three sons and me. Later Rob and I prepared for the Spanish dinner party - which was a great success. Lara and her parents arrived early evening and I had invited Hector and a friend, Lady one of our Interns and Vanessa a beautiful dancer. It was a wonderful dinner - I ploughed on in Spanish most of the evening and the food went down very well.

So it's Sunday morning, Jimmy's gone to Spain for the Benicassim music festival, we're off to see the baby this morning, then lunch with Perri, Gilly and the boys, then off to Leeds tomorrow for Lara's graduation, hoping to get back in time to dance. With so much going on in my life, I really need the dancing oasis's - to catch my breath.

So Chris and Kip are in the park together forever and I am so aware and thankful for my wonderful life.

Weekend away...

It's Tuesday morning and I came back late last night from Antwerp and Amsterdam with the TRiO students. Their summer school contains a travel element, as by selection, they have not travelled before. I haven't been involved with a trip for several years and it was good to remind myself of the reality.

They all got such a huge amount from travelling around Europe for the first time and it was just wonderful to witness the group seeing the bigger world and embracing it - I also just had so much fun! Gravitated towards the dancers in the group - and danced both nights in Antwerp but really danced amazingly in Amsterdam with three others who shared my passion.

Came back to a beautifully clean, empty, carpeted house - which was a joy - Jim's off in a barn somewhere - spoke lots of Spanish with Mexicanos and strangely met Hector in the airport waiting for his parents - where Lupe, Mario and Hector discussed my accent - which was really nice - to think that I have an accent in Spanish is a bit of a mental leap!

Came home and was too buzzy to sleep so looked at my emails and found love from Stacksteads - as always special and comforting - and also lots more photos of the Beach Party - a couple of which I think I'll put on my blogg - cos although they are a few weeks ago - it's how I look at the moment. Though I am expecting to see lots of photos from this weekend - as very very many were taken!!

It's such a joy to be happy - how lucky am I.......

Wonderful new baby...

Tonight I went to see Becki's beautiful new baby - and he really is a very beautiful baby - only been breathing a few hours but already so loved. My little sister is now a Nanny - and the epicentre and heart of an amazing family!

Amazing week...............

Started with Rene arriving from Montana and ended up with Brenda's amazing nomination by Obama and the bits in between were a very fast moving mixture of York and Liverpool, dear friends from Croatia and Finland - with lots of late nights, early mornings and a surprising amount of work done.

Highlights included sharing a crazy Bed and Breakfast attic room with Rene in York, Rob's curry and the invitation to Montana, tapas with Jimmy and Harri followed by too much dark rum and reassurances - so it's Friday evening and I'm genuinely exhausted but also as high as a kite!!

So a bit of a Wow week - understatement! - and I came home to a house with carpets - which still takes a bit of getting used too - but is also wonderful - no dog to greet me - but strangely I'm getting used to that. Know I will take a bit of time to absorb all this - though a week like this can only reinforce my 'how lucky am I' mantra.

So I don't have to get up ridiculously early tomorrow which is definitely different but I am also on my own which is a first in well over a week but wow what an amazing week!!!

Saturday night...

.. and for a change I'm not at a dancing party! But I am just enjoying being at home - as the house moves on!

I made the decision a few days ago that I will put nothing back into these newly decorated (and carpeted) rooms that I don't want. This is actually very hard as I'm either re-cycling or throwing away very deeply personal things that can easily have 30 years or more's worth of connections. But I'm doing it ruthlessly - watching - and physically - taking these things either to the tip - or getting Rob to take to a charity shop.

This morning I also went through all my photographs since Chris died and took a selected CD to Asda to print - I also bought a large frame - and am doing a montage of 2 years plus post Chris. I haven't made it yet but have got all the photos I want together - and have just laid them out approximately on a large frame. It doesn't have much from the first year but from year 2 - it's got lots of family, old and new friends in different continents - lots of photos of me - which is very different from the other montages around this house - and lots of happiness - which is really good to see and to recognise.

I also got a large photo of Chris printed at Asda this morning - and bought a frame. After quite a bit of thinking I have put it up in the kitchen - in the corner where Chris used to sit. It's actually quite in your face - when you turn round and see him there - and I have been thinking all night is this the right time to bring a big photo of Chris into this newly transformed and different house!

But what I have decided is that this is exactly the right time to have an overt picture of Chris more visible in my house. At the moment I'm making so many changes in my life - but that lovely man was the making of me - he has gone - but I don't want to forget him - what ever else happens in my life.

The house wave gently finishes with carpets...

.. and with flowers courtesy of Sefton Borough Council!

My house - the shell that I have lived in for over 30 years - has had a face lift - been a bit of a trauma but needed to happen - today the final carpets were fitted - though like all these things - Ed will have to come round next week - to plane two doors so that they will close! - but apart from that - and the horrible mess that's in the other rooms and needs sorting out prior to going back in - it's practically finished!!!!!!!! I am just so happy about this - and it's lovely and green and pink - and different from how it was - a bit like me!

waves of turmoil..............

Not certain why but feeling quite anxious at the moment – not really worried anxious more like an excited anxiousness! Blogging quite a lot – I suppose because I need to think it through and although I’m talking to lots of people I’ve not really got one person to talk to – so thank you blogg – you are my person to talk to!

I suppose it’s this overwhelming feeling of change going on my life. Although on the surface very little has changed – still doing my old job, though that’s changing, still living in my old house, though that is definitely changing and still have my old friends though I now have quite a lot of new ones as well, which is lovely, don’t have a dog any more and that is a change.

I suppose the real change is me. Looking inside of me - I think I have changed or am in the process of changing. I suppose the anxiety is linked to what’s going to come out of all this change! Though writing this is good because as I write I realise that I want this change and am happy and excited about the changes going on.

Not certain why I wrote waves of turmoil as my heading for this entry – but I think in some ways it does sum up quite well what I’m feeling at the moment - which being part of a big wave, strong feeling of being swept along, not feeling in control of where I’m going, enjoying the ride but also feeling a bit anxious about the whole wave crashing and being swept into the maelstrom. But I suppose all waves crash, some more spectacularly than others, but all finally end up at their farthest gentle point before being drawn back into the whole again.

So it’s Saturday morning and the decorating of the house has finally finished, the carpets arrive on Wednesday and a wonderful Limpiadora has come into my life and is cleaning up the debris left behind. The houses’s wave of change has crashed and I can see the beauty of the wave gently hitting the shore before being pulled back into the ocean!

Estoy disfrutando la ola de mi vida como un flujo de cambio, caos y belleza!

All change............

Have been thinking of changing my blog photograph for a little while - and when I was sent this one today I knew that this was the photo I wanted to show the new me. the email referred to Trish's renaissance which I also really liked as well - as I do feel like a new woman - Renaissance Tricia - aka Dancing Tricia.


I danced for the best part of 10 hours on Saturday night and into Sunday morning at an amazing beach party and was wild and happy. Danced with lovely memories of my beautiful old dog - who had run on that beach many times. Didn't feel guilty about being happy - watched the night turn into day, danced with the stars and the sea and anyone else who was dancing and felt wonderful - even managed after an hours sleep to have a Spanish lesson with Hector!


Work today was very good - know I'm a bit over the top at the moment - but am surrounded by wonderful people - who seem to be coping with me - as it's Monday - I also went dancing - my feet just can't stop at the moment!!!!


Haven't lost sight of Chris and part of my joy is the certainty that he would be happy that I am happy again - he will never know Renaissance Tricia - and he could never know her as she's his legacy. But my joy also recognises that he always had a wicked sense of humour!!

Well Kipper's gone

The Vet came round this afternoon and Jimmy, Rob and I sat with Kip whilst he was gently put to sleep. It all seems to have happened very quickly.

I remember thinking not long after Chris died that I just couldn't face Kipper going and although I am very upset at the moment I am also OK about it. It is strange how it has happened just when I am very clearly moving into the next stage of my life - me moving on and Jimmy leaving home - and it just seems right that Kipper should go at this time and join Chris.

We will get the ashes in a couple of weeks and then scatter them around the beech tree - then Chris will be for ever IPWD - In Park With Dog.

He was a good dog - and as Alex commented at the time of Chris's death - we had been a three dog family - Stan, Beryl and then Kip. I loved them all but Kipper was really a very special dog - my lovely Kipper and he loved me too - devotedly - and I will miss that - his lovely presence - comforting and also such a strong reminder of Chris and our life together.

So no more walks in the park every morning - I'll miss them - did all my best thinking in the park - enjoying the beauty, the trees, the sky and the birds. Very important to me - those mornings - my time - my peace.

However the strong feeling of change in my life, touched with chaos but also beauty gives me a clear and definite knowledge that this was Kip's time to go.

So I shall grieve tonight and then tomorrow go dancing at an all night party on the beach at Thurstaton - which will be a really good place to dance farewell to Kipper, remembering him running along that beach, his long legs and elegant silhouette enjoying every second of his life.

So good bye my lovely Kipper - it's right for you to go now as I unfurl my new wings and dance my way through my lucky life - thank you for sharing your life so willingly with us. xxx

Lovely old dog's last days...............

Took Kip to the Vets tonight and am now coming to terms with the fact that we are on Kipper's last days. The Vet was a lovely young woman and over the next week or so - I will arrange for her to come round to the house one afternoon and to put our lovely old Kipper to sleep.

Have talked to all my wonderful sons tonight and am moving towards a date - probably next week.

Lots of emotion involved with this - know we can't keep him - and am very unwilling to let him keep going beyond the point he lives in pain or as the vet described it - he collapses somewhere like the park and it all gets horrible and traumatic. So the best thing is - we get the Vet around one afternoon, probably next week, and she enables him to die in the safety and security of his home. Know it's the right thing to do but still feel very emotional about it.

Kipper has been a lovely dog and the fact that he was there with Chris in his last conscious minutes adds a depth of emotion to this. But I want him to go with dignity and without fear.

But I will miss my lovely old Kipper................................

There and back again............

How lovely it is to have been away and amazing..............

It was absolutely amazing...............

Not being very coherent here .....but it was just an amazing week!

It's Sunday morning and I'm home in my house - which is now nearly finished and green! Jimmy's birthday sounds a triumph orchestrated by Rob - and the dog is still his lovely old self - and I am me - different - and I suppose the same - but I do feel very different.

Last year I danced through the loss of Chris - and this year I danced in the new Tricia. I danced deeply and profoundly, made choices and accepted the chaos that I'm living through and also spoke quite a lot of Spanish!

I was also taken out for lunch twice by a very cute young man in style and felt fluttery and girly - and enjoyed the feeling!

So I'm back home - as it's Monday I will go dancing tonight - there were several of us from Liverpool dancing this year and their presence added to the richness of the week. It was just a lovely group of dancers, doing what we do - which is dance!!!!!

Going dancing for a week....

My heart is singing in expectation as tomorrow I am going to Spain to dance for a week.....

Feel a bit bad about leaving Jimmy with the decorators - both of them! - with his revision - and it is his birthday on Thursday - but Alex is home tonight for the weekend and Rob is going to cook him flaming steaks on his birthday - and he is 19 - and I really want to go dancing for a week.

Also work is very busy - for a change! - and it seems strange to be going on leave as I have been away so much - but most of that was work or a day linked to a weekend.

Anyway justifications and excuses over - I am just so happy to be going dancing for a week!!! Suitcase packed and heart singing!!

Catching my breath...

Finally feel able to catch my breath after the roller coaster of the last few weeks. Last weekend helped and I was only away one night last week in Belfast - but I do feel so much calmer this weekend. Might also be because I went dancing yesterday - a Saturday dancing - it felt like it was my birthday - a special treat - 6 hours of dancing with a an excellent teacher in the company of many of the Liverpool group plus others...... feel very good this morning - even if my feet are a bit tender - but they did have such a good dance!

Still quite early Sunday morning - I wake up so early these beautiful mornings - Alex is home - so I will take the incontinent dog for a walk in the park then make two of my wonderful sons breakfast before they grapple with Jimmy's Maths and Physics revision. Then I will go and buy Jimmy's birthday presents - he's moving out in September and wants cooking things - so I shall enjoy that. Then Rob is coming round for tea - a lovely day to look forward to. Big breath and my mantra - how lucky am I.....................

Lovely weekend

Been away with the walking sisters and it was wonderful. Stayed in a beautiful place and we just walked, ate, talked and laughed ..... how fabulous is that!

This was our picnic...


.. and this was the view whilst we ate!



... and this is how I felt yesterday at the top of the hill - with the whole of the lakes and Lancashire in front of us - afer a great walk!


I was so mad busy last week - coming home to a house in total disarray - rushing around like a mad thing clearing up before I left early Saturday - but it was so good.

House whirl continues as the second decorator is now working on the hall stairs and landing - Jimmy and I have just been to choose carpets and paint. I can see the end in sight!!!!!!!!

Dancing tonight - missed it last week as I was in Strasbourg - my life is so full - and I'm finding everyday and everything a joy - bluebells and trees with fresh leaves - beauty, chaos and change.......

My house is a mess........

.........of unbelievable proportions. Mind I haven't been here much - which is just as well as it's doing my head in now I am! The back room is now nearly finished - the 'nearly' bit seems to be a common occurrence in this process!

We have not had the computer at home until tonight (and it's still not working properly) - hence no blogg - however the back door is now fitted - eventually - but not quite finished of course - just surrounded by mess!

I was away in Wales last weekend - which was wonderful - discovering on my return - for four hours on Sunday afternoon - before going to Strasbourg - that there had been no back door for two days - just a space! Jimmy copes remarkably well with all this and because he felt he couldn't go out - he just invited all his friends around - so they had a good weekend! I just can't wait for it all to be finished - the mess is just so horrible.

Today has been full of news of death and illness and tomorrow is our big day in London - so feeling very wobbly at the moment.

All of these things are the chaos and change of life - I know I must enjoy them with beauty - that's made me smile and I feel better for writing my blogg!

Baby Showers and being home

Arrived home on Wednesday evening, back to work on Thursday and Friday, which I found quite hard to engage with - still lots going on - with a strong element of change and a personal under-current of chaos!

Yesterday Jimmy and I got up early and blitzed the house for Becki's Baby Shower - which given decorators and me being away - needed it! The party was absolutely lovely - it was Gilly's idea and I don't think any of us knew quite what to expect - but I made an afternoon tea and Gilly found banners, balloons and a couple of games off the internet and everyone brought a present for the baby - and the soon to be Mum and the two great Grand-mothers, the shortly to become Nana and Aunty plus the Great Aunties and friends had a wonderful afternoon! Jimmy stayed in to say hello to his Nan - which he did - but then hid upstairs - not a party for an 18 year old boy!

Busy again at work this week, Jimmy has his mock A levels and the decorator starts on the downstairs and a new back door should be fitted. Not going to do too much today though - apart from sort out the back room ready for the decorator! Life's good.

Being in Gigon....

...........is so extraordinarily special. I asked Hector if I could practice talking about Chris in the past tense and complicated things like "he would have liked" and it was a really good thing to do. As I knew I would want to talk about Chris to Juaquina and Tano and I have been able to do so which is great.

I felt the Chris wave really strongly when I was here last year and have discussed it since with Alex, and even though I expected it this time, it has still hit me very powerfully. Chris would have just loved Gigon, Tano, Juaquina and Lara. Over breakfast I have just had a discussion with Tano about the need for shopping lists, just one tiny example of how Chris and Tano would have agreed. I have also talked at length, and in Spanish, to Juaqui about family values and the importance of little things. I even quoted, over dinner last night, my current favourite saying: " Disfruta la vida como un flujo de cambio, caos y belleza." "Enjoy life as a flow of change, chaos and beauty." Which I think shows how far my Spanish has come and just how lovely these two are to let me talk so freely.

I was very tired when I arrived but the joy of being so well looked after, fed wonderful food a minimum of four times a day and a siesta is really working and I already feel that I have more energy to take home with me.

The boys have gone camping with Greg and his daughter and the incontinent dog, Rob accidentaly phoned me last night and I had a lengthy voice message which was them trying to put the tent up, with the banter between them, it was very funny.

So how lucky am I to have found new friends in Spain and how lucky is my middle son to have found someone as gorgeous as Lara. I am enjoying my life as a flow of change chaos and beauty.

Things going on in my head!

And there are lots of them! Feeling quite confident but also quite worried at all the uncertainty and change going on. House progressing slowly - stopped last week but hopefully to continue next week. Lots and lots of changes at work - well more uncertainties than actual changes.

Am going to Lara's parents next week for a few days and I'm so looking forward to it - I will have to focus so hard on speaking Spanish that I just wont have time think about work or the house - so that's good.

Boys taking incontinent dog camping - not certain if they realise how slowly he walks these days - went over to the sorting office to pick up a parcel yesterday and he really struggled walking back - made me realise that I will never go running with him again. Lovely old Kipper, he is special.

My parents are due back today after nearly three weeks on a cruise in the Artic Circle - Mum will be 89 the following weekend - I have been thinking about them a lot - I do hope they both had a wonderful time _ I know my Dad was very anxious about it - but holidays at 91 are a rare treat! Back to my mantra how lucky am I to still have them in my life.

Changes

Got strong under-current of change going on my life at the moment. This is exacerbated by the upheaval going on in the house. Lots of decorating and consequential mess. But one room completely finished - I now have a new spare bedroom - this week I should have a new study upstairs and possibly a new - don't know what room downstairs. This process is making me so aware that this house is really just too big for one person. Jimmy's planning to leave in September and has already paid the deposit on a house with his friends - so it will just be me and the incontinent dog!

But the process has been a good one as through it I have got rid of so many 'things' that were part of my old life - but things that were not there with a purpose - just things - and their presence was a weight - and getting rid of them - does make life lighter for me.

Still find things which throw me - looking for something yesterday I found Chris's wallet - with his driving licence in and a few other things I obviously couldn't face throwing away before - I still wasn't able to this time - and I just shoved it back to the back of the sideboard draw - for it to appear again at a future time in my life. Maybe one day I will get rid of it - but there again maybe not - and the thing is it doesn't really matter if I do or I don't!

Talked to Rob this week about how much he missed his Dad. I feel very selfish as I haven't thought about how much the boys miss having their Dad around. I suppose I haven't wanted to go there as it does make me sad to think of them missing him. I was talking about this to Les last night - after a lovely meal out with the 'girls'. Les gave me a lift home and I showed her the work in progress going on in the house and then we sat and talked for quite a while which was lovely. And I talked about my boys missing their Dad.

The good thing was that they were all really close to him. Chris always had a regret that his father died when they were not that close - Chris was about Jim's age when his father died. My boys were all very close to their Dad - and I suppose that's what they are now missing - that closeness - and they always will. But Chris's love and the fact that he was their Dad - will always live with them - and has made them the wonderful young men that they are today - they are such a huge component of Chris's legacy - three amazing young men.

Feeling a bit weepy after writing this - but that's good too - as 'The soul would have no rainbow - if the eyes had no tears.'

It's a beautiful morning to take the dog to the park and to practise my Spanish by talking to the trees!!

Thinking about things

It's Saturday/Sunday night and nearly 2 in the morning but I'm wide awake - thinking about things - large mug of chamomile tea to assist in the winding down process - considering I have been awake at 5.30 every morning this week - I should be sleepy - I think I'm extremely tired but not sleepy!

Went to a 50th Birthday party tonight - to someone that - because I met him him - when he was 19 and a student - and I was 25 and a mother etc - I have always thought of as a much younger than me - but tonight he was 50 - that felt weird.

There were lots of people there that I've known for years (decades)- some I talked deeply with - if only briefly - some I don't think I will ever be able to talk anything other than superficially with - and that feels a strange place to be - as I felt like I would have liked to have been able to talk to them.

Still feeling full of last weekend - and probably compounded by lack of sleep - I probably wasn't very diplomatic - but life's short and I really enjoyed seeing and talking to people who wanted to talk - but did feel a bit irritated by some of the others. From their point of view - I was probably too 'in their face' but also have probably always been!


Definitely time to go to sleep!

Back home but different

It's wonderful to be home and to recognise and cherish all the blessings that I have in my life. Whilst away I reflected not on myself but on 'an other' and it has left me with quite a different sense of things. Last time I was left with a sense of euphoria and joy, this time I can see those things, but I am also feeling strong mood swings.

I suppose I am just more aware of others. I went dancing last night and was very struck by how much my fellow dancers were getting from their dance. It was quite a different way of being at the dance and it is wonderful to be doing the same things that I always do but to see them differently.

Back into work today - feeling that it could be quite hard. Things are so fast moving and so full of pressures at the moment, and as much of this pressure is on others, I think I need to consciously try to keep my own perspective clear and focused.

Big things are also happening to others in my life, Perri has an operation today and Lara has her PhD viva tomorrow. This affects them but also the others close to them - it can be so difficult to be close to someone you love who is in hard place.

I thought a lot over the weekend of Chris's pain and how I had been a witness to his pain - which had been constant and sometimes un-bearable. Chris's strength was based on his lifetime fight with pain, a fight he rarely despaired of, though he lived with pain which would have destroyed most people. He did despair, not often but sometimes when the pain had been particularly ferocious, lasting over several days, constant remorseless pain with no sleep, just his lonely personal battle with pain. On these occasions he did despair, in the dark of the night, when he just had had enough, he would surrender briefly to despair, but the next morning he would get up, put on his cumbersome, heavy and painful legs and just get on with his life - he truly was an amazingly extra-ordinary man.

I can see the experience of the weekend will have affected me deeply but I know it will take time to assimilate it all. But now I'm me - back to being me - at home - with an incontinent dog that needs walking - a beautiful son that needs awakening and a job that needs doing! How lucky am I!

Feeling Exhausted but knowing there is more

Stuff at work beginning to feel a bit over-whelming but I'm definitely not on my own with this one!! Running to catch up with myself all the time - with a worryingly feeling of madness - currently underpinning many aspects of my professional life!

Am relishing - though knowing it wont be easy - the fact that I will going on another EI weekend tomorrow.

A strange feeling - and a joyous feeling - 4 days away from everything - except from those things that I think/and know are important - well no pressure there then!

Sunday morning and wide awake!

It's 2 am on Sunday morning and I'm wide awake - so I thought I'd have large cup of chamomile tea and do my blogg. I have just come from another wonderful party - my social life is extra-ordinarily good at the moment - a dancers party - in a beautiful house with a great open plan downstairs, wooden floors and doors that led into a huge garden - perfect for dancing!

I love going out with the dancers, it is so easy and so much fun. We don't drink very much, talk a bit - but even though I know them really well, I don't know what they do in terms of jobs - or really anything very much about them - but I know some of their beliefs and I know they care for me, and I know I really enjoy being with them - and of course I know how they dance! So we go to parties and dance and it's wonderfully easy and fun.

I am happy on my own and it's a good feeling. I think I'm in a new phase of my life - I have been a widow for two and a half years and I think I might be moving on from the grieving stage. Not sure yet because like all these things it will become clearer with hindsight. But I do feel a growing lightness and a love of life even though I can see and know that I have lost the love of my life. I think of the young girl Tricia at 18 meeting Chris and the woman Tricia losing him at 53 and it was a lifetime. I suppose what I'm feeling now is the recognition that I have a new life to live and I must treasure every second of it.

So time to try and sleep - though my mind is whirling and my feet are comfortably aching, but how lucky am I.

Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m reflecting in the stillness of Sunday morning on an extra-ordinary weekend.
Friday night was Paco Peña, singers, Sense of Sound, a children’s choir and a Flamenco dancer – I don’t know what to write to capture the event – they played, sang, danced - A Requiem for the World - and it was magical and moving and its power is still with me. The dancer was extra-ordinary – the way his whole body moved – whirling, stamping, emotive – wonderful - I was transfixed. I went with Aziz and Jamal and the ‘girls’ and Hector had the spare ticket which was very appropriate as it was all in Spanish. So a magic start to the weekend.

Saturday night was the Spirit Horse Masked Ball and a truly magnificent event on many levels. The fun and enjoyment of dressing up, going over the top – we all looked amazing! Going with quite a gang of Liverpool 5 Rhythm dancers - and the pleasure of their easy friendship – and dancing - the opportunity to meet again with some of the EI people and make more sense of my own place in this other larger tribe - a truly wonderful occasion.

An amazing and beautiful night – this blog is just completely full of superlatives! But now the opportunity to reflect as always – how lucky I am - and to take the time to be genuinely thankful for this – which I hope I am. Off now for lunch with my parents and Becki, four generations of us will be nurtured by fish pie!

Coming up for air.....

Well that what it feels like this weekend. Have done very little for two days - except some Spanish - which is fun. Kept on going all week - rarely been so busy - day and evening - with visitors - early mornings trying to keep up on things - just remembered I started the week in London!

One morning - in the park with the dog - I felt a really big missing Chris wave - might have been 'cos I was pushing myself - but might have just been because it was! I suddenly remembered the moment I came back from work and found him in the garden with Jim and knew that he was going to die. I was reflecting on how I knew from that second that he was going to die - and I also reflected on how I felt at peace with this - even whilst it was happening. I have always felt at peace with Chris's death but I still miss him daily.

Anyway - new life goes on - dancing party of Friday night - I didn't think I was going to make it - because I was so exhausted but I did - and danced without stopping for 4 glorious hours - I couldn't stop - or I would have fallen asleep - where I stood!

Should be a bit quieter this week - hope so.

Feeling happy....

Well there's heating now and one room well on the way to be decorated but looking back at last week it really was a bit of a blur - so busy at work - then I was in Germany for a couple of days at an excellent conference - writing my presentation at 6 in the morning on the Friday - and last night arrived at Manchester and going straight to Paul's party - getting home this afternoon - I have just enjoyed myself so much - which is fantastic!

I also feel really full of energy - which is quite extra-ordinary as I have had very little sleep for several days - I was absolutely buzzing at the party last night- but the party had a wonderful atmosphere - and I suppose I just fed into it and from it! Off for a Spanish lesson now - and can see myself improving which is great - though the more I know the more I recognise I don't know - but that's just so true of everything!

Busy, busy, busy

Just mad busy at the moment - don't seem to able to catch my breath - feeling particularly knackered today but that's because I went out with Gilly to a concert at the Arena - her birthday present to me and then we went on - so didn't get to bed 'til really late - but not complaining because it was a lot of fun!

Work starts on the new boiler tomorrow and then the back room will be decorated - and then hopefully work down through the rest of the house. Jimmy has put a deposit on a house for September with his friends and then I'll be on my own, rattling around this great big house! I'm not worried about being on my own - there was a time the thought of it would have terrified me but I am very aware of how big the house is. Talked about it with Gilly last night and Rob this morning and I think it would not be a good time to sell the house and I don't know if a lodger is the right idea - as now I'm on my own it's OK. Anyway I know I'm right to get the house in order and to continue with getting rid of stuff and then I'll make decisions at the right time.

Another busy week coming up and no heating for a couple of days -uggh!

Lovely weekend - lots of boys

Alex came home Friday night - I had been away with the team for a couple of days - I do work with a great bunch of people - and after my Spanish lesson I went to the pub with Rob then talked with Alex - he had come home to help Jimmy with his maths and physics. Perri was busy Saturday so the boys came round early and Rob, Aziz, Jamal and I sorted out old books, which was a job that needed to be done. Then last night I went out with the 'girls' leaving five boys in front of a coal fire - doing what boys do. Then today I went for a walk with Aziz and Jamal in the park leaving Jimmy wrestling with maths with his big brother!

So a really special weekend - I just love feeding boys and they do eat a lot! My three are now watching the football in the pub and Kipper and I are slobbing in front of the fire - life's good.

Dancing Saturday

I had known there was a dancing Saturday coming up in Manchester but hadn’t realised it would be possible for me to make it - but I realised sometime during the week - that there was absolutely nothing to stop me – it was my choice - so I went and it was truly, truly wonderful.

It is difficult to explain to non dancers what we do but yesterday I spent 6 hours, 5 ½ hours as we did have a break in the middle, dancing. The theme of the day was the Body. Although we dance in a group and sometimes with a partner, we actually dance for ourselves. The teacher Andrew was amazing, the dancers were a mixture of groups and levels and I danced deeply and profoundly, probably the deepest I’ve ever danced. So a beautiful way to end my birthday week.

It did now however stop there, as I was invited to a birthday party last night, so soon after getting home I went out. It was a lovely party and I really enjoyed it but I struggled to keep my eyes open after midnight – all that dancing! – so I just came home. Time now for some serious Spanish, take the elderly dog for his constitutional and then I must go shopping – we are about four days into absolutely nothing to eat in the house – obviously except yogurt and honey!

Birthday weekend

My third without Chris. My first two years ago - was memorably awful! Looking back I was still very raw and though I thought I was getting there – the reality was pretty superficial - sorry D & M it was a truly dreadful evening!

I was talking about this to Gilly on Friday night, I had moved on enough to appear to be functioning - but I was in the duck on water stage – looking OK on the surface but pedalling away like mad underneath!

Last year I just removed myself from here and was in Croatia with Margaret, a good move - as Varaždin and dinner at Violetta’s, with Dragich and Renata was always going to be special and it was.

So this year, confidently saying I’m fine and genuinely believing it.

Looking back – I had a huge loss, my life partner of 35 years dropped dead - the first stage was just a lost fog – but say from my birthday two years ago - the last couple of years - I have felt two big and almost counter-acting forces. The first has been a growing recognition that I need to fill this monstrously huge gap in my life and a second countering force which involves fear of change. I suppose there has also been a third - very strong component which is that I am Chris’s legacy and there is a lot of responsibility that goes along with that. I think I can only now really start to understand what I have lost as I see how much I am filling the space with!

So it’s Sunday the 18th of January, I’m in bed with glass teapot of tea posy tea, sweetened by honey from Scottish bees, listening to a 45 minute CD of music I have made for the warm-up at Dancing tomorrow night, music which I can say is my choice and reflects my own tastes in music, though under-pinned by Chris’s (and increasingly Jimmy’s) musical preferences.

I will soon eat a home made yoghurt, sweetened this time by Slovenia honey and do some Spanish. Mi Español está mejorando, verdad! My year is starting to take shape, not certain where work will take me, but another EI weekend in March, a week’s dancing in Spain in May and a couple of weeks in Mali Losinj, how lucky am I. Today 14 or so people for a roast dinner here, tomorrow dancing and later in the Everyman. Chris left a big hole in my life and I can see that by how many people are needed to fill it!

Soon be time to take my old and idiosyncratically incontinent dog for a walk, not too far today as he’s a bit stiff after a special walk along the shore with Ioanna and Pete yesterday. Kipper has had a new lease of life with his medication from the Vets, which is lovely.

So - feliz cumpleaños a mi y muchos gracias por la lectura de este.

A new year ........................

Back at work this week - I have always found the first week back difficult. The dark early mornings come as a shock to the system. Picking up all the bits of work and looking ahead to another very busy year ahead, though an uncertain year, no routine forming in my working life - which is good but a bit scary too. Finding it hard to find my own focus when I look around in the context of the world and see all the mess that we humans have made, but knowing I can only do the best I can. Can see why people find January depressing.

But how lucky am I, having a lovely weekend, Alex and Lara home from Spain, Chilli Banana with the boys, Lara, Gilly and Nita on Friday. Fireworks to mark end of Capital of Culture with Perri, Lara and boys, then big tea and silly games in front of coal fire last night. Now Sunday morning time to take the dog and do my Spanish homework and appreciate my life and the new year underway.

New Years Day

It's now very late on New Years Day - and we have just had a lovely lovely day after a great New Years Eve Party. Last night - I'm not certain how - my whole house was full of great people - and we danced, talked, drank some wine, ate some food and just had a wonderful time. Mainly dancers - it was a very unpressurised night of uncomplicated enjoyment - now that's rare!

Today Sues, Paul and I tidied up - we all had a big breakfast, then Franja and I went for a walk, visited the Beech Tree, watched 8 episodes of Pride and Prejudice whilst drinking 'teaposy' tea, eating European chocolates in front of a big coal fire, played cards with Jimmy and Jan and again just really enjoyed ourselves. I should be tired as I didn't go to bed until 5.30 but still feel wide awake.

How lucky am I - feel this so strongly - I'm moving on - my life is changing so much - so many new people, so much to be thankful for - WOW!

New Years Eve

Woke early - though really wanted to have a lie in - but have lots of thoughts running around my head - primarily about my party. Usual stuff - what if no-one comes - that and what if I feel really tired and want to go to bed - am so full of cold - started a few days ago but am determined not to let it get on top of me.

Think some 5 Rhythm dancers will come and some friends and neighbours - and the Hayhursts - worth having a party for that alone! Franja and Jan seem to be enjoying themselves - yesterday we did the Gormley statues - Jan was not impressed by 100 naked men on a freezing cold wind swept beach - but the home made pizzas with Rob and Jimmy went down well! He has not travelled to the UK before so it's all a bit of a culture shock - Franja and I just talk all the time which is wonderful.

So tonight I will have a party and tomorrow will be a New Year - my third without Chris - a long time but a blink of a time - but that is life - and I must cherish every second of my life - it's so short. Feel very peaceful about the New Year in the sense that I don't feel anxious about the challenges of 2009. I can see some, my parents, my job, some individuals, behind these I can see some context of the world and our problems - many and painful, but feel strong in myself - which is good. Think I will do another EI weekend - hopefully in March - as the last one has changed me, perhaps not changed me - but given me a focus and clarity to my life.

But now I must walk my old dog - this might be his last New Year, wake up my lovely youngest son to continue his revision - he is getting very tired of school - few more months and then hopefully university. Then shopping for the party with Franja and Jan - I think Jan is definitely more excited about going to the big Tescos than the party!

Sending love to my two other beautiful sons, Rob at work, Alex in Spain with Lara's lovely family, and all my family and friends and especially to you my blogg readers- here's to being strong in 2009. xxxx

Christmas was lovely....

A Christmas of elderly parents, lovely boys, family and an old dog. We arrived home yesterday after quite an intense few days. My Mum is getting increasingly repetitious and starting to show other signs of mental dis-engagement. My Father is mentally very alert with complete recall and knowing what's going on but because he can't hear and is increasingly getting frailer, he worries about Mum terribly. But they are a marvelous couple and my Father's love for my Mother is a testament to their long lives together. My Mother loves my Dad dearly but is more self focused and just assumes he will be there to sort out everything.

And then my beautiful boys - giants against their grandparents, wonderful, laughing, considerate, unselfish - 4 days with your Mother and Grandparents is quite a big ask - I never hesitated - just assumed - makes me feel very proud. Robbie is going to go over weekly to Mum and Dad's - which was welcomed by Dad in particular.

Saw all my sisters and all my nieces and one nephew and generally had a very warm and precious Christmas. Don't know how many more we will have in Grove Park - so I did treasure this one.

Franja and Jan arrived late last night and I can hear them stirring so will blogg more later in week.

Home from Finland

It was really good - I learnt a lot - though it wasn't easy - but I'm glad I went - though Finland in December is a strange place to be - the weather was warm for Finland but pretty cold - the biggest thing was the lack of daylight - it got light so late and dark so early - but because it was so overcast - it was just a heavy greyness. It was lovely to take the dog for a walk today and see the sun and blue sky.

Got home yesterday evening for Rob's birthday - it was a really special evening - as we couldn't be sure we'd be home in time to go out to a restaurant - so Rob cooked - he's a brilliant cook - he had some of his mates and Gilly and Nita - and it was a lovely evening. Quite a long day as Finland is two hours ahead so I was awake from 5.00 am - but a really special evening - my lovely Rob is a wonderful young man.

Feeling full of energy and happy to be home - life's good.

Still living through last weekend

Been a very busy week - and have felt a bit detached/not really connected with everyday things this week. Just came back from London tonight and have worried a bit that my judgements have been a bit overt - saying what I really think rather than possibly moderating them. Just doing what I want do.

Have just gone with my feelings - very aware of last weekend and still just starting thinking things through. It's now quite late Friday night and my mind is still racing. Not unhappy - in fact very happy - but also very tired. Am now building up for Finland - been a bit worried all week about what is expected of me - but I will just have to get on and do it

I'm also only back for a couple of days then going with the boys to my parents then back on the day Franja and Jan arrive and then it's New Year and my party. That's worrying me a bit too - don't know if I've really invited all the people I want to invite. Haven't started doing any Christmas stuff either.

Well big breath - how lucky am I - time for my mantra - it is just so true!

Back home and feeling very peaceful

Wonderful feeling of peace and purpose. Finished off the whole process by dancing tonight. It was a Peer Group, full of energy and absolutely wonderful.

Will have to take time to think through all that I have experienced over the last few days. It all feels very good and right, it has also consolidated so much of my thoughts and feelings over the last few years.

I obviously thought and talked about Chris and that was also a wonderful thing to do. At one point I can recall talking about Chris moving from the 'dark' to the 'light' as apposed to how death is usually perceived as a movement from the 'light' to the 'dark' and that sums up the whole thing to me. I also talked about actually intuitively understanding this at the time - though this was the kind of insight that the actual process gave me - making sense of lots of things.

So a truly enlightening few days - and that was what it said on the tin!

Preparing myself for next weekend

Next weekend I’m going on a retreat, a 4 days Enlightenment Intensive programme. I heard about it a couple of months ago and felt a very strong desire to go to it. Now it’s got closer I’m beginning to get – I wouldn’t say worried – but certainly a bit nervous.

Have been feeling anxious for a few weeks now – not quite certain why – work – family - strong feeling of moving on. I’m also sorting and get rid of stuff – last weekend I had a moment when I realised that I could - and probably will live in another house! This is a big thought for me as I have lived in this one for over 30 years – it is the house of my life, the house of my life with Chris and my family. The realisation that I could live somewhere else was really powerful. At the moment I don’t want to, and can see no reason to move, but the fact that I can was quite exhilarating! Does add to this sense of uncertainty that I’m feeling at the moment. But it’s not a bad feeling. So next Thursday I go the Enlightenment Intensive in a beautiful place in Wales. I am anxious but also excited.

Last week I was in Barcelona, the conference was badly organised and not particularly useful, however I got a huge amount out of being there, and in particular spending a lot of time talking to Harinder. We have known each other, professionally, and as friends for many, many years and sometimes you can only understand things by talking to someone who understands where you are coming from. So we talked and talked and it was great! Barcelona was fun and I did speak and understand more Spanish, though it also made me aware of what a long way I’ve got to go. So time now for my Spanish homework. I think writing my blog is my homework for next weekend!

Sunny wintery showers....

...are not a bad thing - if you wrap up for the cold - and stay indoors when it's raining - and if you are outdoors when the sun shines through - it's magic!

I feel my life is a bit like sunny wintery showers at the moment, with lots of things happening. Some I've prepared for, like an anticipated busy time at work last week and some unexpected like my Dad going to hospital on Tuesday, hopefully to come out next week.

Between these ‘cold and rain’ times were real moments of sunshine, like being at the hospital with my parents yesterday and us sharing a joke - and really feeling the powerful love between us. But as these are winter showers I also know, I must treasure that love, as physically we may not share too many more moments like that.

Special moments this week, like being close to Rob when he was down and knowing that he would not stay there long – and he didn’t, thinking about that makes my heart sing.

I had a lot of visitors at work this week, and another sunshine point was a second hand complement, through which I was amazed to hear how someone felt I had impacted really positively on her work.

So winter showers are OK really and I suppose the secret is as far as possible to prepare for them and to really savour those moments of sunshine.

Busy week and the last ever parents evening ever................

This week flew by – work plus - dancing, two Spanish sessions with Hector, Jimmy Meet the Teach Night, a night in with a bottle wine with Deidre and a night out with Gilly and tapas. Busy, busy, busy which is good.

Fiona’s family is coping with a lot at the moment with Ian having an operation to remove a giant abscess on Monday and Becki having a baby next June. My Mum is very excited at the prospect of becoming a Great Grand-Mother again and my little sister will be a Granny!

This week I went to my last ever school parent’s evening - I have always deeply hated parent's evening - Chris used to go – and this one lived up to the others – and I found it a deeply unsettling occasion.

Jimmy is a student of extremes and he too was visibly upset by the process - what is about teachers! I felt extremes - a range of emotions from deep pride to frustration with Jimmy and extreme empathy and anger with the teachers we met. The end is in sight in that he is applying to university in Liverpool but obviously has to pass his exams this year. He is working, but passively – I think Jimmy is actually very shy. He can be the life and soul of the party with his friends but completely unable to ask a question of a teacher or a stranger – just like his Mother!!

I have consulted both Deirdre and Gilly and have decided to have a party on New Year’s Eve. For years Chris and I always had big parties and then there was a period of dinner party type New Years, some more memorable than others! Then for the last few years as the boys did their own thing, Chris and I went away for New Year. His last one we spent with Alan and Moira in Mallorca and was truly special.

My first New Year on my own I just had the boys round and we played cards. Last year I went to the Kimberley Club with Paul, Sue and Kipper and that was lovely. But this year I am going to invite anyone who wants to come to my house to celebrate the New Year.

Plenty of things to do first though. Boys coming round tonight so think I will make their favourite tea, tomato soup with croutons and I definitely need to get that back room cleared!

weeks flying by...................

Seem to be very busy at the moment and having that slightly panicky feeling that you get when you don't feel quite on top of things. Another busy weekend - Alex was home which was lovely and Rob and I went to Birmingham last night for Zahid's Walima. Going back to Birmingham for a meeting tomorrow and hoping I will get back in time for dancing. Feel I need to dance at the moment, gives me space to think by stopping thinking for a while!

In my Liverpool home

It’s good to be away and it’s good to be home. Out last night with ‘the girls’ all of us over 50 now! - and it was special to be with them, news and worries, laughter, talking, good food and wine, THE combination. There were 6 of us out last night, all of us living and facing different lives and futures, but we talked honestly, openly and supportively as old friends do. I also met a couple of my new friends and invited them to dinner at mine some time soon. Old and new friends filling my life with love.

Old dog getting older, quite wobbly on his feet now, so I will take him for quite a short walk in the frosty park, followed by boys for breakfast after I’ve been shopping and then as I feel full of energy I think I will start to clear out the back room. It is so full of stuff. Feeling very strongly that I need to get rid of the clutter. My problem is that much of the stuff is old, for example some of the books and embroidery in the back room are well over a 100 years old, so I mustn’t throw them away but pass them onto someone who would appreciate them, my problem is I’m not quite sure how – but once the decision has been made – I will find the solution!

Happy in Slovenia

Staying at Franja’s in Velenje in Northern Slovenia for a couple of days and then tomorrow I go to Varazdin. I’m not sure how I have got such a wonderful set of friends around the world, but I feel so much at home here it’s strange and wonderful. Last night we booked flights for Franja and Jan – he is so excited - to come to Liverpool for New Year - and we have talked and talked non stop since I arrived.

I was at a conference last week, and went out to dinner on Thursday night in Rotterdam, with someone that I knew, but hadn’t really talked to for over 6 years, and we had one of those magic nights. It started in the restaurant when the waitress asked us if we would like the Chef’s surprise meal and when we replied yes – this amazing dinner started to arrive – each element of which had been created with such care – and was accompanied by a glass of wonderful wine – it went on for course after mini course – and we talked and talked – magic.

I obviously talked about Chris and tried to explain how special he was, as she had never met him. Talking, also made me see how the sudden loss of Chris created such a huge void in my heart and soul – a chasm of emptiness – that sudden loss of the one person that I could talk about anything and everything to. I am only now really beginning to fill the void with friends, some old, some new.

Talking that night made me see more clearly and understood my bereftness - particularly in that first year – I can see that my heart was rattling around alone in a huge empty space! I think these reflections are also as a consequence of seeing the wonderful closeness of Ioanna and Pete as they live through their worst nightmare – their shared love is so visible and so special.

But here I am in Slovenia with Franja, and looking forward to being Renata tomorrow, and hopefully seeing some of my other Varazdin friends. My heart is filling up with love again and it’s wonderful.

Big and small things

This week has been a real roller coaster, starting on Monday morning with the news of Gareth's death, being with Dierdre, Richard, Pauline and Margaret and then being back at work. Going dancing on Monday evening and seriously stomping.

Working and getting stuff done. Not doing well at Spanish on Tuesday. Hector said I was so slow that people wouldn't wait for me to finish what I was saying! Then two evenings of old friends and the recognition of how short our lives are, and how lucky we are to be alive.

Last night, late on, I looked back at my blogg of Chris's funeral as I thought of Ioanna and Pete, and today I am going to their son's funeral.

The loveliest bit of my week was the arrival of a Hayhurst card.

As big things are happening, it is the small things that count.

Old friends and life and death

It’s very late and I’m wide awake – I was out tonight with old friends – sitting round a table talking with people - some I’ve known over 35 years – none I’ve known less than 25 years. Some of whom I see very often – some I haven’t seen for about 18 years. I think all of us found it a bit weird – we talked of everyday things but also of past shared experiences, memories, families – we also talked of people who weren’t there – and young people that some of us have never met.

I was also very mindful tonight, as many of us have been all week, of the death of Ioanna’s son – I told Erica tonight – at the end of the evening - as she had not heard and I wished I hadn’t but knew I had too.

So wide awake – and thinking – not a good combination for one in the morning with work tomorrow. Earlier tonight I wrote Ioanna an email as she had replied to my letter – writing that email also made me think – obviously about Ioanna and Pete and where they are now – but also about Jenny and Alan – where they were 10 years ago - and since.

Thinking about old friends - but in my email to Ioanna I also talked of new friends - and how some people become closer - and some more distant.

So I’m writing my blogg cos my brains spinning and sometimes you just need to tell someone - and I tell my blogg.

A blur of a week....

I had the office virus this week – it was not bad enough to keep me off work completely – though I did stay at home on Tuesday – and missed dancing Monday evening - but it did made the week a bit of a blur. It’s Sunday morning and still feeling a bit rough – but don’t think I can blame the virus for this one, more the excellent wine I drank at Fiona’s and James last night whilst eating a lovely dinner and putting the world to rights!

Have been trying to practise my Spanish - as Juaquina is staying next weekend, I’ve been working through my Spanish powerpoints of verbs - I've got them changing every 5 seconds now and they have helped me – according to Hector - he said that I have improved a lot this week - when made me seriously chuffed! – but I know I still have a long way to go. I think the Michel Thomas approach has also really helped me as it focuses on looking for patterns in the language rather than rote learning of verbs. It has made me think about ‘learning styles’ and how important it is to recognise your own. I just can’t learn lists – I need to use the words to find a purpose in memorising them – so I go around the house and park etc muttering away to myself – well next weekend I can talk to Juaqui!

Boys coming round later – don’t know what we’ll do – will see what they fancy – I can feel a mantra coming on – how lucky am I!

Sunday dinner in my house

A week last Friday when I made the Prayer Flags – I also went round the house – asking in every room for the spirit of Chris to ‘leave the house’ – that sounds heavy but it wasn’t – I hadn’t planned it – it just seemed the right thing to do that day. It was part of the process of moving on – a sort of cleansing – acknowledging that the time has come for him to go.

Anyway today I had a roast lamb dinner – Grant, Erica, Jack, Laurie, Perri, Aziz, Jamal, Nita, Gilly, Jim, Rob and me. A lovely dinner – I did the roast lamb with lots of vegetables and Yorkshire puds etc and the Luscombes did three gorgeous puddings. It was in many ways like so many Sunday dinners in this house – but it was also different – in that it was ‘Chris free’ – it wasn’t that we didn’t talk about him, because we did, it wasn’t that we didn’t love him because we all do – it was just that it felt ‘Chris free’.

Two years on is a different place - and did I so enjoyed today’s dinner – it was happy and just lovely – it also really made me recognise that Chris has now gone and after two years we must understand that he has completely gone.

I am the legacy of Chris – he made the woman I am – and I will always love him for that but I must also really understand that I now live my life without him. Profound thoughts after a special Sunday dinner.

Yoghurt and honey

It’s ridiculously early on Saturday morning – so early that I have just met Jim going to bed! He was in the front room with Richard and Jack – and I could hear their voices – deep and continuous – and I thought how wonderful it is that Jim has such a great set of mates and even though quite a few have gone away to uni – he has many still here – studying from home. I loved the continuousness of their voices, talking and talking.

Jim’s back at school and finding that a bit lonely – as there is only a handful of them from his original year left. The good thing is he goes to the library and works because he is on his own!

Rob passed his driving test this week – which means I’ll be getting the bus more often – it also makes things a bit easier all round! One of the reasons I’m awake so early is that I went for a pint after work - as I was on the bus – and then went to bed really early as I just couldn’t stay awake – it had been a pretty mad week at work as well!

So I’m in bed with a cup of tea – in the mug with flags of the world – and have just had my morning fix of yoghurt and honey. This is a legacy of my summer – home-made honey from Slovenia and Croatia – gifts from Renata, Ana and Franja and yoghurt from my yoghurt maker – purchased after staying with Tano and Juaquina in Gigon. I’m addicted to yoghurt and honey – it is just so gorgeous as they say in Asturias! They are also very symbolic of my new life and friendships – and if there were two things that Chris, who was not a fussy man, really disliked - they were yoghurt and honey!

I have also got a Spanish tutor Hector and I have made a rolling powerpoint of Spanish verbs which I will now spend time practising before my lovely old dog demands to go to the park – well at least it’s getting light now!

Thinking of Sue

Sue's Dad died on Monday and am so glad I sent them the prayer flags - thinking tonight about them - and other friends - making me recognise how important friends are to me - and have been - all my life - but the last two years in particular.

The weekend in stages...

This morning Sue phoned to say she had received their string of Prayer Flags - it was a special moment as I have thought over the last couple of days - am I on my own with this stuff - but Paul and Sue's reaction - and Gilly last night has been wonderful. The boys - Chris's sons! have now signed their own Prayer Flags which I have added to mine on the string in the garden and on their suggestion we have reserved two for Aziz and Jamal!

Tired tonight after a day dancing - lovely to come home to my three beautiful boys - we have just had tea - rather strange mixture of veggie things - but feel so happy tonight - and happy is good.

Prayer flags

Today I cut up some of the cloth that Rene took to the Sweat Lodge and made it into Prayer Flags, I then wrote my name on each flag and hung them in my garden for the wind to blow.

I took this picture from the spot where Chris last looked at the world.



Then as I had the sewing machine out I made the dog a new bed!

Now I'm going for a pub lunch with two of my beautiful boys and we have made a Chile sin Carne for the third one.

Second Anniversary

Two years on and I’m home alone – it’s Thursday night and Jim has just gone out after we had a fishcake tea together – this is one of our favourite teas – very quick – frozen haddock pieces from Dial a Deli plus mashed potatoes and ‘fish spice’ from my holiday in Provence with Gilly, all fried together served with peas!

Busy day at work – didn’t get home till late - have been aware all week, and particularly today, that it’s my second anniversary. Drove home deliberately via a different route – coming home from work, I often get a flashback to ‘that’ drive home – 'The' phone call from Jim - 'The' drive home – knowing in my heart of hearts that it was the end for Chris - coming home and finding him in the back garden – gone – and then the whole thing happening, the hospital – me and our wonderful boys - the long night - and then my lovely Chris was gone.

Looked back at last year’s blog I am amazed to see how much stronger I am this year – tonight I intend to have a couple of glasses of wine and - do things like look at photos and let myself wallow a while - because I think these are good things to do now and then - and it is the second anniversary of the death of my husband.

Am taking tomorrow off work – got lots of things to do and in some ways the feeling that I could have gone in – and even should have gone in tomorrow – makes me see how much further I am on this year. So tomorrow I am going to get a new back yard gate fitted and as Jim’s at home – Baker Day – and Rob’s coming round - we will go out for lunch somewhere and then Alex is coming home tomorrow evening. Then Saturday I’m going dancing.

I don’t think I would have done this anyway as nearly as well - if I hadn’t found dancing – even went dancing in Washington last Saturday – how amazing is that! I do love dancing it is just so important to me – difficult to explain why – but I find real release and peace when I dance.

So two years on – I’m me – the widow of Chris Jenkins, the international educator, the mother of three lovely boys, daughter of two elderly parents, sister, aunt and friend and colleague of many – how lucky is she that Tricia – very lucky and she knows it.

Washington DC...

This is my 11th COE Annual Conference and 5th one in Washington. I talked to Mitch last night about the two versions of me - the one of 1998 and the one of 2008. Mitch and I met in Tallin, Estonia - he reminded me of the actual conversation and location. The Tricia that came to Washington that year was 'fully formed' but it was coming here and in particular a lunch with Mitch, where, I began to understand what I knew.

This year has also contained a turning point - and my conversation with Rene last night, clarified it. We went off on our own last night and had an amazing dinner. When I was in Antwerp I got a Fortune Cookie which said 'Keep waiting for the right moment' and it's my mantra at the moment - it's important to wait for the right moment and the knowledge is recognising it.

The conference has a final morning session - big breakfast in the Crystal Ballroom - the Tricia of 1998 was completely over-whelmed by these - 2,000 people events - the Tricia of 2008 is much more blase!

Think about Susan everyday as it would have been wonderful to see this through her eyes - and I send her my love. xxxxxxx

back home - but not for long.........

Slobbing on the sofa after an early start to leave Antwerp. Then off again on Monday. I think the day I stop enjoying doing all this I will stop - but at the moment feel quite excited about the way things are happening. I'm also increasingly feeling a sense of 'urgency' about my professional life - I will be 56 in January and lots of people retire at 60 - though I don't feel ready yet! Does add to a real feeling of uncertainty about my future.

Funny thing is - as I've lost weight and probably taken more care about the way of look - I think I look younger than I did a few years ago - and feel overall very positive about my life - as well as being very fortunate and lucky!

Jimmy copes well with me being away and he too is getting older - if Chris hadn't died when he did, Jim would have probably been off to University at this time. So I do feel better about leaving him on his own quite a lot - he's also getting quite a confident cook - saying that every time I go away he cooks more ambitiously. I put three pizzas in the freezer a while ago and there's still two left and that wouldn't have happened a few months ago!

But as I am home I shall now go and cook something for our tea.

Home weekend

A weekend at home - a bit rare this summer- but who's complaining! .....and a busy and social weekend - Cuba night last night and Nita today - talking about my summer and catching up with others.

Feeling good at the moment but aware that I'm coming up to the second anniversary of Chris's death. Know the pain is still there - but it's deeper - but am also increasingly aware that all of us live with pain. Funny as I always knew that Chris 'lived with pain' which he did and I always thought of this as the pain associated with his legs. However the magic of Chris was that he 'lived with pain' in a wider sense and I think I'm beginning to understand more what this means. The importance of small things being just one crucial element of this.

But life is good and should be enjoyed and I do appreciate how lucky I am.