Got strong under-current of change going on my life at the moment. This is exacerbated by the upheaval going on in the house. Lots of decorating and consequential mess. But one room completely finished - I now have a new spare bedroom - this week I should have a new study upstairs and possibly a new - don't know what room downstairs. This process is making me so aware that this house is really just too big for one person. Jimmy's planning to leave in September and has already paid the deposit on a house with his friends - so it will just be me and the incontinent dog!
But the process has been a good one as through it I have got rid of so many 'things' that were part of my old life - but things that were not there with a purpose - just things - and their presence was a weight - and getting rid of them - does make life lighter for me.
Still find things which throw me - looking for something yesterday I found Chris's wallet - with his driving licence in and a few other things I obviously couldn't face throwing away before - I still wasn't able to this time - and I just shoved it back to the back of the sideboard draw - for it to appear again at a future time in my life. Maybe one day I will get rid of it - but there again maybe not - and the thing is it doesn't really matter if I do or I don't!
Talked to Rob this week about how much he missed his Dad. I feel very selfish as I haven't thought about how much the boys miss having their Dad around. I suppose I haven't wanted to go there as it does make me sad to think of them missing him. I was talking about this to Les last night - after a lovely meal out with the 'girls'. Les gave me a lift home and I showed her the work in progress going on in the house and then we sat and talked for quite a while which was lovely. And I talked about my boys missing their Dad.
The good thing was that they were all really close to him. Chris always had a regret that his father died when they were not that close - Chris was about Jim's age when his father died. My boys were all very close to their Dad - and I suppose that's what they are now missing - that closeness - and they always will. But Chris's love and the fact that he was their Dad - will always live with them - and has made them the wonderful young men that they are today - they are such a huge component of Chris's legacy - three amazing young men.
Feeling a bit weepy after writing this - but that's good too - as 'The soul would have no rainbow - if the eyes had no tears.'
It's a beautiful morning to take the dog to the park and to practise my Spanish by talking to the trees!!
