... and it continues

Wow felt the need to blogg twice today - as it has been a long and remarkably rewarding day... I have now got that feeling/knowledge that I am getting close to moving - though like the last bit of anything the reality is pretty chaotic - at least superficially - the whole house is a mess - and everything is upside down - but - I now think that I have really got to the bottom of what needs to be sorted - wonderful!!

So many special moments today - taking the table to Fiona's - that was a biggie for me - of course Rob sorted it - using Nita's van - and I did wobble momentarily - it was a big thing for me - that table - the heart of this house - the touchstone for everyone who has ever been here!!! So no pressure there - but with love - Rob and I took it round to Fiona's - to be greeted by the amazingly beautiful Aidan in the arms of his blessed grandparents - right decision!!

Then Alex and I spent all day going to the last places to go to - like the whole cupboard of children's books - and together we sorted everything into two piles - those which meant something to us and others - but the ones that meant something - were big somethings!!! Chris was the story teller in our family - I would cook tea and do stuff whilst he told little boys bedtime stories - every night - for all those years and with all those books - and with so much love!!!

But strangely choosing a small set to keep was really very easy - Alex and I just recognised the special ones - they were also the most dog eared and it ended up quite a small pile! - and I put them in a box and we have then put them in the loft (nb this is not an easy process!). This all sounds a bit obvious - but is has not been easy to recognise what is really important - in the context of the house and my whole life with Chris and our family - but I suppose I knew all along that it's the small things that are important - it's not the books that are important but the fact that Chris told the boys stories every night for all those years - with love - wow wonderful.

savouring the 'lasts'

After three plus years of 'firsts' - I'm now going through a series of 'lasts' - last time I'll do this sort of thing ........

...but it's OK!!! In fact it's great! Today I'm going to get Rob to take my beautiful table round to Fiona's - so I've had my last meal round that - and never even noticed - wonderful. I'll have the keys for the flat next Friday and can start taking stuff round next weekend - how exciting!!!

Still a lot of clearing and sorting going on - recycling via Freecycle is working well and today I am going to put some things in the loft - and then I will only have the lace to get rid of - not quite true as there are still boxes and boxes of books - Alex came home and completely re-organised Jim's arrangement of books - which was lovely as means all the boys have sat and reflected on the books and taken and sorted and re-arranged and given their blessing to what we leave and what we keep.. which is perfect.

Last night we had a big barbecue, friends of Jim, Alex and Jake and 3 out of 4 Interns, sadly the forth one Vaughn did not get a visa. I made a mountain of food and it all got eaten, I have just been downstairs and there was some stuff left when I went to bed but everything has now been eaten - I just love feeding young people- and we drank beer and laughed and played a murder game and argued and laughed and drank beer and it was just absolutely wonderful - a really really happy evening and if it was my 'last' barbecue it was a wonderful one.

So another day of sorting and then back to work, the sun is shining, my heart is singing and I am so happy to be alive - isn't life just wonderful!!!!

Photos ..... lifetimes of photos!!

Yesterday I sorted out the photos - I had boxes and boxes of them in the back room, and bags and bags of them, secreted all over the house - whenever I thought I had nearly finished yesterday - I thought of another place to look - this is a very big house to look in - and over the years I have taken very very many photographs!!

It's not just my life that is chronicled through these but Chris's, and because he was an only child I have also got the photos of his parents. I decided last week that I wanted them to come with me - the boys and their future partners and children may want to see them - but most importantly I'm not ready to do a major cull of them - I would want to scan many of them - so my plan is to take them all but stored in a new flat friendly and aesthetically pleasing manner!!

So that's what I did yesterday - I have an old chest which came from Chris's family house and Rob carried it out to the garden for me and I sanded it down and re-stained it and I am very pleased with the way it looks. By midnight I had finally fitted all the photos into it - 17 file boxes and two other bags. But they all fitted in - hurray!!!!!!!!!!!!

The photographs were amazing - memories - our brains are so amazing - I would see a photograph and I could remember the feel of that place, the taste of the food, the smell, the sand under my toes, hear the sound of the sea, bask in the heat of the sun, recalling specific conversations and memories. So I have spent all week going backwards through my life - feeling and being where my life has taken me - and as the week progressed and I caught more and more snapshots of my life - I have become almost overwhelmed with the sense of how unbelievably blessed I have been all my life.

When I was a younger woman the photographs did enable me to feel and recall some of the frustrations of youth - but looking back these are what gave me my drive and passion, which I put into my work. The Tricia in those photos was also very happy, she beamed at me - from parties, the garden, cities and beaches, with Chris, friends and boys. Holidays were where I took most photos and boy did we have a lot of holidays - my Mother's daughter!! Spain, the Costa Brava, Galicia and Mallorca, then later years Croatia and of course the caravan. 18 years of the beautiful lakes, walking, swimming, playing golf for the views not the game, and drinking beer with my Dad, doing the crossword. Special and magical times of my life.

So I have revisited my life and put it into a refurbished chest - ready to take with me to my new home!!!

I also varnished all the garden furniture for my tenants and made a huge pot roast with dumplings and a rhubarb crumble for Jimmy, Jack and Rob. I have now 2 book cases full of books in the front room which I will leave and 11 huge boxes of books for Rob to take to be recycled - and I was so pleased that Jim and Jack are taking a box back to their house - they went through every book with respect and that made me so happy. Hopefully the car will get out the garage next week as we need to shift stuff out of the house before I can show it to prospective tenants!

Still got a grandfather clock and several other bits of old furniture to dispose of and today I will do the tool cupboard, then an afternoon on Lark Lane with Pat and Nita - relishing and cherishing their company - eating and drinking wine - one of my favorite combinations!!!!

Moving on and so appreciative of my wonderful happy life.

and....

thank you Heyhursts - for being so spot on - yet again - como siempre!!

Embracing change and going for it.................

... but also recognising the quantity of change that is occurring!!

So need to blogg - that's good - being open with myself about what I'm doing here - these are big changes!!!

... and what I'm doing is leaving this house, this life, this Tricia and moving on - so quite a big thing then!!

I have talked to a lot of people - OK I do talk!! about moving etc - for example talked to someone yesterday - who said - I don't have anything in my house that I haven't used/worn for more than a year - if I don't use/wear it - it goes - wow!

At the moment I'm just leaving/giving away everything in this house - this has led to some amazingly special conversations about what people in my life would like to have - one thing from this house - to make part of their world.

The reason I'm blogging tonight - is to say let me know what bit of this house is special to you - I have been really surprised at what these conversation have led to - so ring me - because it wont be here this time next month - and if there is something that has a place in your life/home - let me know!!

De-personalisation...............

It's ridiculously early and the flask of chamomile tea has not done the trick this morning - the 'bing' was just too strong!!

Woke up thinking about this process that I'm going through - which is apparently called de-personalisation - in other words taking from my house anything that appertains to me and my family - wow this is a real big thing to do!!

I said there are no sacred cows and I am now making decisions which make that a reality. Yesterday took all the big photograph montages down from my walls - of which there were many - images of my life, family and friends over the decades - well they've gone - well they are still in bits in my front room but will be at the tip tonight.

Have put my first listing on Freecycle - and am beginning to think there will be very little to store in the attic - feeling OK about it all - know I'm not getting enough sleep - but don't feel stressed out - monitoring myself!

So another day starts and I get lighter and lighter as I get ready to leave!!!

Pretty grim day!!

After yesterday lovely party and this morning's positive blogg - have had pretty grim day - got to the last level of 'places that you don't go to' - where I found letters - mainly from people who are now dead - or cards/writing from or about my boys - special messages from them to me or Chris - all that I had kept for a reason - had quite a few big Chris moments - suppose it is also leaving the house - anyway gave up on the Aunty Elsie/Peggy lace heritage - and have recognised I need help on that one!!

But then Jenny had given me a couple of books yesterday and I started and finished reading one - When everything changes, change everything - and it was really good - so big breath - glad I've done what I've done today- recognise that it wasn't easy - but am proud of myself!!!

Sorting out things...........

.. and there is a lot to sort!! Being ruthless as am only going to take things with me that I really want to - although there is set of things which I want to keep for the house and the boys in the future - though this pile is getting smaller - and need to find somewhere to store them as well.

Still a few of Chris's things - just found his favourite jacket - which I obviously couldn't bring myself to get rid of before - it's now gone and today I am going to sort out the last of his instruments - being strong about all this but also recognising that it's not easy.

People have told me that moving house is up there as a very stressful thing to do - so I would be stupid if I didn't recognise this. Have ordered some furniture for my new flat as well - that was a lovely thing to do - and I've got a move date the 19th of June!!!

Was in Leeds yesterday at my cousin Ellen Birthday party - it was a wonderful party - lots of love for Ellen - who is a very special person - wise woman - and lots of my family - cousins I haven't seen for years - since my wedding in the case of my cousin Stuart!

I have been with my extended family - 3 out of the last 4 weekends - my Mum's birthday party, the walking weekend and yesterday at Ellen's. Special that - and really good timing - for me to feel a part of such a lovely family when I'm making this big move and leaving my own family house.

So today I will continue to sort stuff out - it's a beautiful sunny day and it's great to be alive!!!!

Not feeling chaotic...

Just been dancing - which was lovely - after a beautiful long weekend - away with my three sisters, a cousin and five female friends - how lucky is that - walking - and talking - I love that combination - walking and talking deeply with that person and then as the day progresses, walking and talking deeply with someone else - and that's what we did - walk and talk deeply - wonderful!!!

So feel very enriched by the weekend - we stayed in a pub and as we all shared rooms - the conversations continued over dinner, and on into the night and then started all over again in the mornings!!!! 10 women opening up to each other - just talking honestly to each other, sharing histories and stories and of course laughing - I think women together laugh differently - finding humour in things from a womans perspective - and we did laugh so much.

I called this blogg - Not feeling chaotic - because - even though there are so many changes occurring in my life - it actually does not feel chaotic - I discussed the changes in my life a lot this weekend - and the joy of talking is that you put your thoughts into words and then these words have a life of their own - so talking about moving etc was wonderful because as I talked the words became fatter and more solid - because they were listened to and reflected on - and then endorsed - passing the sisterhood test in the process!!

Wow - things happen quickly!!

Been at a lovely award ceremony tonight - and got back really late - but can't sleep as am absolutely buzzing - as today I signed a contract on a flat - wow - so quick!!!!

So in 6 weeks time - I will be living in a small two bedroom flat the other side of the park - WOW!! It has happened so quickly - but I like that 'cos I made decisions and then things just happened - I am happy with the decision - and now it's all change!!

Still pretty emotional and recognising that there will be things that I will miss - like hanging my washing out in the garden - and a gas cooker - and my beautiful carpets - but hey there will be things that I won't miss - like rattling around a huge family house on my own - don't know yet what I wont miss - as sitting here in bed - I can't yet see myself not living here.... but I'm now set on a course to move out.. and smiling as I write - yes am very comfortable with decision to move - yes really like flat - but no - actually no idea what I will think and feel when I'm actually blogging from Travellers Court - the name of new flat!

So life is an ongoing adventure - and I'm embracing and dancing my way through it - and am happy that it's the only way to live your life - going for it!!!

Words become actions....

Now that I have said I'm moving and told people - i.e. put it into words - it has now become a reality. That's the thing about words - they have a life of their own - they take shape as ideas and then they you bring them into existence - either by being spoken or written - and then they just go off on their own - taking your thoughts and making them happen!!

Went dancing last night - which was really good - and told the dancers - and then we went to the Everyman and just laughed and laughed - which was wonderful. So with laughter in my heart I am embracing change and will dance my way through this big milestone in my life - and now it is becoming a reality I am getting very excited about it!!!

Big decisions - which feel right!!

OK - have now made big decisions - and yes after much thought/emotion - am now getting used to the idea of leaving 1 Cheltenham Avenue - and this is a very big thing for many reasons not least cos I've lived here for 30 plus years - that's lifetime status!! But the house is just too big for one person - I have rattled around it on my own for nearly a year now - and I don't want to continue to do so. This is the house of my family - the Tricia that used to live here - Chris's wife - the mother of small children - she doesn't exist any more - and this Tricia - the new Tricia - she doesn't need a great big house.

So two levels to this - 'emotional' and 'rational' and boy that's where I am at the moment - really rational - making sensible decisions but also being seriously hit by emotional - have not felt so vulnerable for a long time.

So sensible decision - rent out Cheltenham Avenue - then rent an apartment just for me - behind this decision have been many options - which I have had to consider - but one joy in making this has been the love I have been shown whilst struggling to make the right decisions.

Yesterday Rob and Jim blitzed the garden - and I went to the tip four times - after Gilly came round and we had a barbie in the amazing clear and seemingly much larger garden - it looks great. The Gilly and I drank wine and talked about things - like we do - and that was also great.

Woke up this morning feeling a bit calmer though I have just revisited coming home from work after the phone call and finding Chris dying in the garden - I also thought about Jimmy finding his father and not being able to wake him - that's what he said when he phoned me - I can't wake Dad up. That must have been just so so awful for him.

Looking and my beautiful Jimmy yesterday - what an amazing young man - really happy at university and doing really really well - his father would have been so proud of him. Gilly was saying yesterday how lucky I was and in particular how lucky I am to have such three amazing sons - and yes I am. Lucky and proud of my wonderful sons.

Gilly also said that many people will also miss my house - sitting round the table - eating and drinking, sitting in the garden - eating and drinking - all those parties over all those years - lots of wonderful times - eating and drinking!!! The house was always full of people, children, dogs, laughter.... it has been such a wonderfully happy house - but I am now ready to leave it - not to sell it though - but to move onto another chapter of my life.

So big decision made - and now official cos I've blogged it!! Feeling happy about the decision and comfortable that it's the right one - but also feeling vulnerable and know that I need to look after myself - but also know that I'm loved - how lucky am I!!!

lot going on............

It's 5.30 in the morning and I just can't sleep so thought I'd write my blogg as I haven't for days. Last weekend was my Mum's 90th birthday and we all went away for the weekend. It was absolutely perfect. It's not often that you can say something was perfect - but it was - the whole weekend was perfect!!!

To be 90 is also an amazing thing - and my Mum is still enjoying her life so much - she feels that she has been so lucky in her life - which is true. She has had a rich life full of love. She has been able to give a lot of love and she has also been very loved. Still married to the love of her life - for over 63 years - that's also amazing!!!!!

We had a big family party with over 40 people there at some point over the weekend - second, third and fourth generations from both sides of the family and a few very special friends, including two women who were her friends for over 60 years. Telling stories and reminiscing about their lives. It was such a joy to be there, it was just that - a joy to be part of.

Back home to all change and ongoing turmoil, living a strange life at the moment. Making big decisions with a clarity which I can see and feel - then having to just accept the upset and emotional consequences of these!!

Glad I'm writing this blogg as always it gives me a space to reflect on what I'm doing and thinking.

So - how lucky am I - to still have my wonderful parents in my life - first thing! Second thing - you can't make a cake without breaking eggs - and that's what I'm currently doing!!!

Wonderful dream..

I woke up this morning aware of a wonderful and very apt dream:

I am an eagle, standing on the top of a cliff ready to to fly - to soar effortlessly off into the wind. I can feel the breezes playing with my feathers - tempting me to let go and to surrender into them. I am on this cliff edge and could go off in several directions - I am just waiting for the right wind to give me the message - surrender to me beautiful one and I will carry you to where you should be - your future- I am bathed in sunshine, below me is beautiful, green and a long way down but I have no fear - for I am an eagle ready to fly!

Wow - that's where I am at the moment - standing on the cliff edge waiting for the right wind messenger!!!

Back from Spain

House not too cold - so obviously warming up here as well - chamomile tea in bed combo - reflecting on the last few days - my life does seem to be surreal at the moment - and my time in Spain has just been another brief episode of..... not chaos.. but not sure what.... accelerated change I think.

The conference in Segovia was seriously surreal - and I spent a lot of time talking to someone I met there - who took my thinking way way out- which was amazing. Read a lot - in both Spanish and English - books which had been recommended or just appeared in my life - so much resonance with my own thinking - amazing to read books which are saying what I'm thinking!

Then today I was on the beach in the sun - in my new bikini! swimming - very briefly! in the Mediterranean - eating ice creams on Blanes promenade - talking in horrible Spanish - I just need to get better - I suppose the better I get the worse I know I am! Understanding conversation is my weakest bit - not getting one word or phrase can just throw me completely - I suppose it's just practice - the reading helps as I'm sure that's building up my vocabulary.

Been thinking a lot over the last few days and am not certain what will happen this week - feel very much at a point of change - but hey what's new there - seem to have been changing all the time recently!! But and it's an important But - I'm not afraid of change and that's the important thing.

turmoil ... but coping!!!

Am in a very weird place at the moment - turmoil is a good word - it comes near to describing the pace of change, the quantity of changes, the whirlwinds of changes that are occurring within me - both internally and externally!!

Tonight I feel back in the vortex of last year... but know I'm not - last year when I was dancing in Spain, I felt very blind and vulnerable with the pace of change - the snake goes blind when he castes his skin and that's how I felt - a little bit of life caught up and whirling out of control in a tornado spiral....

So don't feel like that - suppose I feel more in control - though control is not the right word - it's difficult to explain - I feel like I am living in turmoil/chaos - but the difference from last year is that I recognise the changes that are occurring and am just giving in to them - going with the flow - so still in that tornado but not fighting it or giving it any resistance - just surrendering to the whirlwind!!

So it's Tuesday night I go to Spain for a conference tomorrow - Buff! might be in turmoil - but still wonderfully blessed and happy!!!

So.... not in an easy place ... but not a bad place, exciting, alive... out of my control - but life is never in our control - it just is!!!

All change...

I had just got used to the idea of one future - playing with ideas and planning - when woooooosh all change!!

Great stuff this - living without fear - you can just do what your heart wants!! Am really excited about my future now as it has become really really unknown. Wow!!!

Am at the end of a beautiful Easter weekend, really peaceful and reflective. Ildi has been here and her presence in my life is very special - we have just talked and talked and talked!!!!! Oh and walked a lot.... eaten lovely food.... slept well and talked and talked!!

Had a lovely houseful last night for a big roast dinner - my favourite thing - 11 of us round the table, the heart of my home, eating, laughing and enjoying ourselves - all the boys clearing and washing up!

Rob had been up to the NE and brought with him the presence of dear friends - who said they read my blogg - which made me so happy.

Glowing in happiness here - in my bed, ipod playing Jimmy's music, cup of wonderful dutch flower tea, sweeten with Indian honey - writing my blogg and thinking with so much love and affection for the wonderful people in my life - some of whom I know read my blogg - so accept my love as it's directed at you!!!

Wow - just feeling so good about my life... isn't life amazing!!!

losing fear....

... fear is something I've been thinking about a lot recently and how it is such a huge negative emotion that stops so much from happening.

I'm in my bed on a glorious sunny Saturday morning - the sun streaming through my wide open window - OK I do have the coldest bedroom - it's official! Having breakfast in bed with all my favourite things, freshly juiced fruit with home made yogurt - my own Indian Lassy! Some beautiful bread that Rob had bought for me - not certain about the pickled eggs though Rob! and an avocado pear - the joy of being on your own that you can eat what you like, when you like and how you like!!!

Listening to my ipod music - which has just started to play Percy Sledge's 'When a man love a woman' - wow always one of my all time favourites - unconditional love - wow - love it!!

Enjoying my own company and thinking about fear - and unconditional love - strong link there.

Last night I returned from London after a few days. I spoke at two conferences and both times I reflected on fear - I hadn't realised this until I was sent a press release yesterday evening - which focused on that part of my presentation. I then realised that I had also reflected a lot on fear during the questions of my second presentation. That was a very international audience and was a wonderful session - I learnt so much from doing it. We talked of fear of ourselves, fear of others and the fear of the unknown.

Fear cripples, destroys and stops us living life to the full but fear is something that we learn.

I sat on the bus in London yesterday laughing with a baby girl in a buggy, her lack of fear and joy of life - made me laugh with her then and the memory makes my heart warm now... the joy of a child's laugh.

We teach our children fear.....

Whilst I was in London I also spent time with two lovely people. Part of my new world of friends - Spirithorse friends. With both of them I reflected on unconditional love - and how you can only give it when you can receive it.

I have been so blessed in my life to have been so loved - and to be so loved - but perhaps this is because I have been able to give love - bit a catch 22 here. It is also so closely linked to fear - if you're fearful you can't give love or receive it.

So the title of this blogg should be ....losing fear..... and finding love!!

Well Percy Sledge has been on continuous loop for the duration of this blogg - time now to change the tune and eat my breakfast. Wow life is such a joy - great stuff this unconditional love!!!!

Emotional roller coasters.....

...are extreme.

I'm in London today for two conferences staying at Ildi's - we went deep last night as we reflected on India and where we are now.

Not certain if emotional roller coaster is the right way of describing it - because it's not actually my emotions that are in turmoil. It feels like all of me - physical, mental, spiritual and emotional - the whole lot is twisting and turning, trying its best to make sense!

Maybe that's the problem - 'trying to make sense' of it all!

I'm not unhappy - quite the reverse - I am very happy, always happy. It's - I'm not certain what - I do have a strong sense of urgency - but again am not certain quite what I have this urgency to do!


If only life was as simple as sitting in bliss with an elephant.... but hey may be it is!!!!!!!!!

Being open to grief

.. is so painful - and looking at yesterday's blogg - is good because the duality of pain/bliss is a hard line to walk.

Upset myself and my sons last night - they don't like me being emotional and upset - but I talked at length to Rob which was great and then my Mum phoned and we talked and that was important - and then I talked to a dear friend for a long time - so out of the upset came really good things......it was still painful though.

Witnessing Eileen's grief brought my pain to the surface. It's almost impossible to live with that pain... and that's where she is at - one day at a time - one minute at a time......

So we find a way to live with the pain... but it still there - a massive tsunami of grief that we all keep locked in our hearts.

But the duality of pain is bliss....... the joy of being alive....the joy of every breath we take......

Buff!!! I feel very raw and lonely today - struggling to see the bliss - but I will find it - in the song of a bird, in the beautiful colours and shapes of clouds and in the smile of a child - because that's where to look!!!

Reflecting on grief...

Woke up in the early hours of the morning - nothing unusal there then! - reflecting on grief.

Yesterday I spent time with a woman who was at the darkest point of her entire life - witnessing the rawness and depth of her pain - and talking about what it felt like to be there. Being open to my own pain through doing that.

Made me understand how my journey has been so enriched by that pain. It is only because I have felt that pain and been open to it - that I can also feel the bliss.

This duality of pain/bliss is at the very core to everything that I am.

The Buff!!! factor continues.....

The roller coaster of my life continues apace - lots of Buffs!!! this week as things have hit me - lots of moments when I felt magnificent and lots when I felt quite lonely.

The death of a man of my childhood Ewart Dawson, has made me think a lot about the past - funnily enough building on long conversations that Gilly and I had last Sunday - doing what we like doing best - eating Gilly tailored food and drinking wine!

We were talking about how the past is seen from the present - and she said that how an event in the past is seen so differently by people who were both there at the same thing!

I've thought about this a lot this week and how people's experiences of the same time are so very different - depending on who they are at that time - where they are in their lives - how they feel - what has happened to them in the recent past - so many, many small factors as well as big things - which make up who we are at any moment experiencing that specific day - and so although two people may have been at the same 'event' their experience of it is totally differently - this is then compounded by how they remember it in the future and the 'story' that they and others build around it.

This also resonated with conversations I had when in India about how your understanding of where you are now - changes how you see and reflect on the past. So your childhood is not seen through the eyes of the child as that child no longer exist. We see our past from the present through layers of past experiences and stories and - and it's a big AND - and we can choose to change how we see the past.

So with these two streams running through me - I thought about the presence of a man in my childhood - and I enjoyed these reflections - and today I will go and talk to his widow which is making me very happy - which seems very right.

Laughing in Vienna

I live an amazing life!

I'm home after a wonderfully leisurely day in Vienna - a long walk through a large park, full of trees just starting to bud - brunch with Karoline, Chris, Cyril and his two delightful little daughters - followed by a mooch around places I would never have found as a visitor to the city. Then a quick bus to Bratislava, straight on a plane and back home - to a warm house! - managed to leave the heating on constant - it was the first time I've come home to a warm house for ages! - and flowers from my lovely Rob.

I love working with the EUCU.net family - we just go places in our thinking - we toss and twirl ideas around - they called me an 'idea vacuum cleaner' at some point today - and it is sort of true - together we are very creative in our thinking - direct questioning, deep reflection - circling around ideas until we get close - when one of us will pounce on it and drag it up - give it a twirl around and the others will give it a good hard look - enjoying it's strengths or relishing its non-sense!!

Last night I was eating wonderful fish in an apartment in Vienna, four of us - great food and wine - talking deep - laughing loads - being very alive. Last Saturday I was at the Moulin Rouge Ball, dancing, twirling, whirling - relishing dressing up, being with beautiful people who love, recognise and cherish the joy of life - and just having so much fun!!!!!!!!!!! In between I was at work with that group of extra-ordinary people - they were also buzzing - I just love the electricity of watching ideas bounce between us - snowballing and taking shape - wow!!! I also talked in depth with friends and Rob cooked me and Jim one of his amazing dinners on Wednesday - so a jam packed week - and in many ways - just my life!!

So this is my amazing life!!!! I am just so so grateful - how blessed am I!!!!!!!!

Search the Darkness

Sit with your friends, don't go back to sleep.
Don't sink like a fish to the bottom of the sea.

Surge like an ocean,
don't scatter yourself like a storm.

Life's waters flow from darkness.
Search the darkness, don't run from it.

Night travellers are full of light, and
you are too: don't leave this companionship.

Be a wakeful candle in a golden dish, don't slip into the dirt like quicksilver.
The moon appears for night travellers, be watchful when the moon is full.

Rumi

Dancing in the new me...

Last night I went dancing - my third time since India - and worked out what was so different - I realised that I couldn't dance Staccato!

The 5 Rhythms form a wave and you start with Flowing - dancing with your feet, continuous movements, grounding yourself - with Staccato - the beat becomes stronger and the movements become much more angular - bish, bash bosh - taking you to the release of Chaos, extended then through Lyrical and finding itself with your breath in Stillness.

I talked about it at the end - saying 'That's weird I couldn't dance Staccato' - Alex the teacher - said, 'Trish, what's surprising about that - you've just been Flowing in India and you've had so much Staccato in your life - maybe the time is right for it just not to be there!'

And she is so right - I have been in Staccato all my adult life - doing, organising, sorting - bish, bash boshing - all my life!!!

There I was in India - for the first time in my adult life - NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was just so wonderful!!- I could and did play with the children at the back of the bus, abandoning myself to the pleasure of just playing, doing what I wanted to, I didn't even have any money for a bit as the bank stopped my card - I just went with the flow and it was wonderfully wonderful!!!!!!!!

Last June - I talked about being una mujer sin obligacion - and was beginning to see what this meant and how it would be - but now I am much closer to really recognising what this means - I am a different woman seamlessly moving between flowing and chaos - sounds about right!!

Staccato will come back - but it will be a different Staccato.

Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!

... post India....

Been back two weeks - which actually is not really a long time - still getting mood swings - lows and highs - keep looking at photos - and think and talk about India a lot......

Am beginning to recognise changes in myself - but not certain if these are India - or just changes which were on their way anyhow! I look back over the last three and half years and see how much I have changed - when I was India I talked about changing my name - and would like to do so actually - in order to identify with this new person I'm becoming..... but it's not so easy to change your name - but I know my new name and think it suits me!!

I'm really tired tonight as it was the Spirithorse Ball last night - Moulin Rouge theme - we had a BALL!!!!!! I love the Spirithorse joy and love of dressing up - the pleasure in recognising the beauty of ourselves - they - we - just love to give ourselves to the enjoyment of the present - the attention to detail - the love and pleasure given and taken - and we just had a fantastic time!!!

So tonight - back in my big cold house - on my own after time immersed with others - recognising and enjoying both... and putting it on my blogg!!

I think I will tell my blogg my new name - as I have started to tell people - I will keep my old name for work and for most people - but I will also be known as Alegra - wow now there's a big step - been quite a weekend!!!!

Needing to blogg...................

Feeling the need to blogg a lot at moment - probably because my world feels deliciously off kilter - in the sense - that nothing is making a lot of sense - but actually everything makes perfect sense!!!

It's Friday night and I've been out for a pint with Rob - we had a big argument/discussion like we do - he's the only person in the world I really argue with - tonight we talked really deeply - which was wonderful - but of course this led to an argument - we ended up friends though - which doesn't always happen! He is such an amazing young man - I am so unbelievably proud of him......

India - plus the EI are really living with me at the moment - they/it were/was a truly enormous experience/s - not sure at the moment which is which - I think they are both so closely aligned.

I also think it is very important for me to recognise that I am in this turmoil - getting on with it in all it's craziness - but also so very happy to be here - still smiling - probably irritatingly so!

Great place to be - Friday after a long week - with a weekend to look forward to - wonderful!!!

Missing India!

Holding onto India............

The meeting in Brussels was arranged around me being in India - and had to be before the of February - so it had to be just when I came back - and I knew it was coming - but it has been pretty hard going. The meetings were really good - and being with the EUCU.net family was wonderful - but 3 long days!!

Back in my own bed - with a pot of chamomile tea - having replenished my stock of herb teas in Amsterdam on the way back - after another meeting - am really tired tonight - which is probably understandable!

Still holding onto India in my heart - big breath...................... it feels like a warmth in my core... I want to keep this... not certain if I will be able to .. but I intend to try.

Wow moment - how amazingly lucky am I - still smiling - that's what I want to keep hold of - the joy I felt in India........

When I was walking through Amsterdam this afternoon I felt the weight of western consumerism.. the nonsense that we dedicate our lives to 'wanting' though not knowing we want to do with it!

But now I'm in my warm bed - drinking tea - I can see the happiness I felt - and probably because I'm so tired - it is a warm yet quieter feeling - but the feeling in Amsterdam is also on the periphery - I think the technical term is a mood swing!

So time to drink up chamomile tea and to sleep - waking up to see what tomorrow brings!

Back from India....

... and can't stop smiling!!

A Glorious Journey was how I described it to someone, sometime - somewhere - in Southern India - and I liked the expression - as it was just that - a Glorious Journey!! I think it will take many bloggs to work through all that has happened and all that I have learnt from it - from India, its beautiful people, its spirituality, the countryside, the food........ but also my companions, the children, the EI - going there and coming home - I am - and was in India - just so very very happy - it is just such a wonderful feeling to be always happy.

It feels longer that three weeks - we did so much - I also went off on my own - and visited a university established by a man I met in Beirut - 25 years ago - the university not the meeting - and that was amazing.... Red carpet treatment - I had such a wonderful time - visiting not only the university but also partners that they are working with, in the rural areas, making two Women's Empowerment Talks!! and visiting schools - my breath was blown away!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I felt - and still feel so strongly - in awe of the Indian people - we - westerners - have lost so much in our pursuit of - xxxxx - can't think of a word because it's not civilisation - and it's definitely not truth - 'tomorrow' - is as close as I can get to it - because here in the west we seek and pursue tomorrow - but we have forgotten how to enjoy today - or even how to recognise the present - wrapping it up in a web of worry and fear about the future.

I just absolutely loved India!!!

My favourite bit was staying in the farm - very basic in terms of amenities - which we quickly learnt to live without - but just such an amazing place - with Aranuchala - the holy mountain - directly in front of us and surrounded by very old cultivated fields - nurtured through centuries old - sophisticated - yet minding blowingly simple irrigation systems.

Absolutely amazing - feel very tired tonight and am not sure if I'm making much sense - a 5 and a half hour time difference - just love the concept of a half hour time difference! - combined with very little sleep for several days is beginning to catch up on me - work tomorrow then an early start on Tuesday to go to Brussels - but I just can't stop smiling because life is so wonderful!!!!

It seems a strange time to be going on holiday.....

...but also a very right one.

Last August when I sat in the final Spirithorse circle - Shivam asked who wanted to go to India - and as I looked around - to see who's hands were up - I realized mine was - which just seemed the right place for it to be!!

Though I am actually very tired - last week and this, saw the finale of months of work - and in many ways the timing has been really good - as it has been a very hard few weeks/months. I'm also leaving things with a lot of uncertainty about my future at work but also feel very reconciled to this. My life will change whilst I'm away, through changes to me and changes to circumstances. I can now do no more but embrace whatever occurs.

Which is a good starting point for a holiday - though this will like no other holiday I have ever been on - I have no idea as to itinerary - or even where I'm staying beyond the first night - so wow this is a real adventure. I know we will spend at least 4 days at Arunachala, the holy hill at Thiruvannamalai and I am going to visit a university founded by a man I met in Beirut - but beyond that - hey I have no idea!!!

So am nearly packed, visa arrived yesterday, friends due round shortly and Jimmy for tea tomorrow then a very early start on Friday for my Indian adventure - nervous, excited and just so, so lucky!!!!!!

feeling good but knackered!!!!!!!!!!

Never done anything like the big bid which we submitted today - and it has been an amazing process - months in development - 35 partners in 23 countries - 108 pages - 41,000 words - more than many PhD theses - 4 years funding - 4+ million euros. Pushing to the edge in many ways.... way out of my depth .... but knowing what I feel to be truthful and going for it - also knowing that it is not the usual - in fact quite the opposite - will either be loved and scored very highly - or will not - in which case - stops there.

Made the decision a few months to go for it - so it doesn't play the rules - good - I don't think I know how to play the rules - the briefing in Brussels said - we want to have bids which are not like the normal bids - and they've got one - the question is - will they like it? I haven't the time or inclination to do this again - so if it is funded my life goes in that direction - if it is not - my life goes in that other direction...... feel very reconciled about this - and also quite excited!

Funded or not - I have learnt so much from doing it - and know so many more things - and got close to so many people - special open hearted people - through long hard days and often nights of mainly email conversations - with me as the only one with English as my first language - and in the context of my Spanish - different league.

It is amazing how wonderful people came into your life to do the bits you can't do - but hey ask and you shall receive! Attention to detail - hard nights this week because I lost focus on individuals and where they are - but of course the small things are so important - and staying true - at all times. Feel good about all this but also knackered!!!!!!!!!

buff - who wants birthdays!!!!!!

Can't say I like birthday's - the counting of every year you have completed - do I want to be this old - but how lucky am I to be this age - a huge historical mixture of emotions - yet this year the loveliness of friends and family has really sneaked up on me.

Specialness - and tonight I feel so special - touched by little things - but of course it is the little things that are so important!

A very busy - under-statement day - in an exhausting period of my life - getting up so early every day - and keeping going - got til tomorrow evening to finish this thing - letting it take over my life - but recognising that I will only be doing this for a couple more days - and like Rob said tonight over dinner - you knew this was going to be a rough few days - and I did and it is!!!

Lovely moments - felt them very strongly - thoughtful sisters, messages from around the world, flowers from Vienna, a wonderful conversation with my Mum and my Dad - as they remembered the day I was born - my father 'catching me in his hands' - feeling so loved - dinner tonight in Chili Banana with Rob, Jim and Gilly - lovely, easy, uncomplicated - how lucky is that!

So buffff birthdays I can cope with you - yes I am getting older - but how lucky am I to be alive - and so loved - just so amazingly lucky!!!

When wow becomes hard work... reality check

I keep coming back to the onion skin analogy - you just get through one layer - and then there's another one! Buuuuuuuh - life is like a walk that you set off on - really happy - with a plan to do that little hill in front of you - but you get to the top of that - and what can you see? - another one - so you think I want to get to the top of that one too - so you go for the next one - and surprise surprise - get to the top of that one and guess what! another 'bite size' mountain ahead - so you say I'll do that one too - and then - and then - and then.........

Then you stop and think how lucky am I - to be here - to be climbing this mountain - to be out breathing this fresh air, to feel the breeze in your face and to see the world from a new vantage point - amazing!!!!

Then you continue to climb the mountain - though by this time it is fair to say your feet and other parts of your body hurt - and you are no longer certain if there will ever be a 'mountain top'. But you are hooked on that feeling of being on top of the world, the view of everything around, beneath and above you and the amazing joy of being alive...... and you also recognise that you don't actually have any choice - so you veer between joy and pain... wow ..... well it makes sense to me!!

Context for this - a good weekend - of extremes - Finns on Friday, Wassailing party Saturday - both wonderful - thoroughly enjoying both my professional and my personal life- with good people, honesty and a lot of FUN!!!!!

Doing this on my own - including crack of dawn starts to days working on important (to me) stuff - plus drinking too much and dancing - but you can never dance enough!!!! Know I'm not alone - but hey - I do feel pretty alone quite often - sorrow/joy needs to be felt!!!

Wow - I'm on this mountain trek called life - and I'm still here - this is good - being here is good - feel strong - but also vulnerable - but that's OK.

Hey ho - how lucky are we to be alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A week into the new year........

From rainbows on a Spanish mountain top - to snow in a city - an unusual week!

A week of work, tucked up in the house, thrashing out the European proposal. Good thinking - and deep and relevant thinking for my future year. At the moment I don't know where my year will take me - it could go in so many directions - how extra-ordinary is that - wow I'm just so blessed.

But, I also know that I need to keep my feet firmly on the ground..... that was one of the very strong messages of Spain - to stay grounded. I think I have to do this in all aspects of my life - to consciously focus in on being grounded. I did this when I was dancing in Spain - and I know I need to dance like this for a while - and I think I can see how to do it in other aspects of my life, but there is a always a tendency to let oneself drift off.........................

OK - that sounds like a new years resolution, to consciously focus on staying grounded - good I hadn't made one yet - so that's my first. Though I have made some decisions about how I want to live my life over the coming year. Spanish is important - I want to spend as much time as I can in Spanish speaking countries in order to learn how to 'think' in Spanish. Family, friends and colleagues - the people in my life - are just so important, new and old, I do think I need to think through how I am consciously grounded in my relationships with them all. Work, I feel that I will go with my intuition, that doesn't sound very grounded but I have worked very intuitively for a long time now - so with work I will just continue like this. Teachers, yes, they are very important to me at this stage of my life, I need to respect my teachers but learning is a mixture of consciousness and intuition - so I will prioritise giving myself time to do both - I suppose that's a form of being grounded - giving oneself time.

But I smile at myself and the seriousness of my blogg - so I will give myself the time and freedom to have fun and to cherish and enjoy every second of this amazing thing called life!!!!!

Amazing, extraordinary New Year......

It's sometime very early on the 3rd of January and I have just come back from Spain.......... I'm wide awake in bed, music on, drinking chamomile tea and eating Christmas cake 'cos that's the only thing I could find to eat... with a hot water bottle at my feet - so I'm perfect... but I'm also completely at a loss for words to describe my new year.....

What I actually want to say is .........wow................ wow............... wow..... dear blogg I have been doing some amazing things over the last couple of years but my experience of the last few days has beaten them all. There were so many different things happening which all added up to a heady and powerful mixture - but maybe it wasn't a lot of things together - maybe it was just the whole thing - as a complete thing - or maybe it was just what happened to me - or .... maybe I have just become totally incoherent!!

OK - certain things can be described - an amazing house, built specifically for dancing, on top of a mountain, above a river in flood, surrounded by olive trees, the extra-ordinary weather, gale force winds, huge clouds, mountains with snow on their peaks, a full moon and so many rainbows they were in danger of becoming common place - huge rainbows which arked over the valley, often double, dwarfing the mountains with their intensity.... we even had a lunar rainbow from the full blue moon in partial eclipse on new years eve.........

So that was the setting for eight of us to ceremonially dance out the old year and dance in the new one... which we did - the deepest, wildest and most profound dancing I have done... beautiful, wonderful and transformative.

We also sat around a large table and ate the best of food, drank wine, told stories, talked and laughed but most of the time we danced and went deep and then deeper.................................... wow - it truly was amazing.

Dancing like that, with a powerful teacher, is a gift... but I also recognised myself and the work I put into my dancing... it wasn't easy ... many times it was painful, excruciatingly painful.... but it was worth it... I learnt so much from my fellow dancers and I know that they learnt from me.. and it was also just such an amazingly beautiful process...

This is a bit incoherent ... but back to my mantra - how lucky am I..... something new though - luck and recognising and cherishing good things - big and especially small - go hand in hand....

Secret afternoon.....

Today I should have been dancing in Spain but after several hours hanging around Liverpool airport - my flight was cancelled due to the thick fog, which ironically broke into beautiful sunshine as I got the bus home!!

Standing in a huge long queue - I had the sense to phone Rob - who booked a flight for me tomorrow - so I got the bus home and have ended up having a lovely afternoon with Alex!

We lit a huge coal fire and watched the Dr Who Hamlet - though after a very early start this morning - I did doze through the middle bit.

Sitting on the sofa, basking in the coal fire, I also wrote a long letter to one of my teachers, which ended up reflecting on the last year - I really enjoyed writing it - can't remember when I last wrote a hand written letter.

It was just so good to take a few hours to reflect on my year - it has been such a roller-coaster of a year - looking back I am amazed at what I have done and become over the last year.

I wrote that I don't think I have changed - I think that I have just become more me! But I also recognise that this me - is a very different me to the one of three years ago - and having my parents here - and talking deep - different from the young me.

But basically they are all me - just different phases of my life - and I suppose that's what they are - phases in my life. What has happened over the last three years has accelerated this rate of change - I think I have gone through several phases of my life/development in just a few years.

Anyway Alex and I topped off the afternoon with a yummy macaroni cheese - Alex's favourite - in the front room - and off to Spain tomorrow but feeling that I have had a secret and special afternoon in my own house!

Christmas Eve.....

... and my house is full of family, food and warmth.... it feels a very long time since this has been the case.

This is the first Christmas I have had at home since Chris's death, we have been going to my parents, special and lovely times, though under-pinned by a sense of loss.

I still feel that sense of loss, but it has evolved and grown into a bigger recognition .... I see it more as the huge sadness that we all live with... death the other side of life.. but somehow I feel I can embrace it more now.. if that makes sense.

When I danced Heartbeat the other week, I felt very strongly the two sides of sorrow/joy and how the recognition of the one enables the feeling of the other... and that's how I'm living my life at the moment, cherishing the joy and embracing the sadness..

My beautiful, wonderful and amazing parents are here staying in my house... I can hear my father humm,humming down the landing. 92 he has made my Mum (89) a cup of tea and brought it up for her.. as he always gives her a cup of tea in bed at 8.00.

They have been married for 63 years and my father's greatest pleasure is to give my Mum a cup of tea in bed at 8.00. A symbol that they have awoken to another day..... together. I remember my Dad saying years and years ago that the most amazing thing in his life was to be married to my Mum, waking up in different places around the world with my Mum's passion for travelling - a passion that he didn't really share!

My Mum still yearns to travel but my Dad is now saying that he finds it too hard to do... the trip to the Arctic Circle this Easter being just too much for him.... and my Mum sits there last night saying.. Oh Jimmy I don't know why you don't like travelling any more.. and my Dad saying I really can't do it any more .. I would if I could... and Alex and I just sitting in awe at the two of them.

So I am determined to cherish the joy of them whilst also recognising the preciousness of their time with us. My sons are just wonderful, they have just sorted and organised everything - well Rob has - and Alex and Jim did what they were told!!

I went to work until yesterday, arriving home just before Rob brought my parents... and it snowed, and I cooked and we ate, and we laughed and played bridge and had a carry on sorting out things and did what a lucky family does.. being together.. joyfully.. and with a deep love.. in the presence of my parents 6 decades of love.......

So enough of this sloppy business, time to make porridge and deal with the details of house guests... and get sorted for neighbours and friends at 6, big Christmas dinner tomorrow with family and friends, Boxing Day at the Foulkes.

Yes I am so lucky.......................

Pretty rough week........

It's Thursday night/Friday morning on what has been a pretty rough - yet in retrospect a very necessary week - who said learning is easy!!!

Anyway tonight has been wonderful – our night out - what an amazing bunch of people work in my team – I feel so very proud of them all! They are all so special and individual.

Looking back - the traumas of the beginning of the week were to do with me not recognising how central our work is in their individual lives. I see it as my passion – but have not been fully recognising how it is also their passion and in fact their lives.

So it is our lives – some more with conscious awareness than others – but the reality is that we don’t do this for the money – we do it because we believe in it!

Lessons aren’t easily learnt – and I feel that I have learnt such a lot this week – and then we danced together tonight – lovely – and they are good dancers of course!

So time now to go to sleep – and tomorrow to appreciate even more – the wonderful people that I live my life with.....

Sunday morning at home....

It's Sunday morning and I'm in bed, listening to music and having my breakfast - porridge with yogurt, Lebanese honey and almonds, freshly squeezed orange juice, fruit tea with Swiss honey - reflecting on how sweet my life is - there was a time when I was quite anxious about living on my own - but is just so good!

Went out with Gilly and Rob on Friday night to Estaban's - drinking wine and talking, arguing and laughing - like we do - cooked Jimmy an enormous fried breakfast yesterday and then we just slobbed around all afternoon - I watched the Strictly semi final - my first TV for a couple of weeks - then a Spanish DVD.

Today I'm going to walk down town and get the train to New Brighton for my Belly Dancing lesson - I'm so into walking at the moment - it gives me space to think.

I'm also meditating quite a lot - though I sometimes find it quite hard when I'm away - but being at home is lovely - I can just go - but I also need time to think - and walking gives me that - and of course I need time to dance!

But now I'm wrapped up in my beautifully warm bed, just appreciating and relishing all the wonderful things in my life, counting my blessings, lucky, lucky me.......

Part of a wonderful family...

It is amazing where I go in my life - and I was feeling down on Saturday when I left Liverpool - but now I just feel so blessed. I have spend three days with a wonderful group of people - I spoke at the final session at the conference yesterday and described them as my EUCU.net family - which is what they have become. A very special and self selecting group of people - who share my passion - we talk - with passion - and a strong feeling of shared values, mission and driving purpose to our lives.

We work hard and continue late into the night over beer or gluewein - talking deeply, sharing our hearts and exposing our souls - like brothers and sisters we argue and play games, laughing and crying together - and people think I'm at a conference!

Although English is the language of the conference I have spoken quite a lot of Spanish with my new sister Ana from Columbia, and also understood quite a lot of German – though I can’t speak it – it is so amazing to be with like minded people from across the globe – how lucky, lucky am I. That’s good I’m glad I can see and feel how blessed I am – I have an obligation to cherish very beautiful second of my life – boy do I veer between extremes!

Feeling a bit down....

Shouldn't be.. but I suppose sometimes you should accept it - as that's the way it is. I think I just feel a bit over-whelmed at work at the moment - I'm going to Bratislava today - which will be fun but also very hard work. I also don't feel as certain as I usually do - and just a bit down....

Well I suppose that's the other thing - I have no-one in my life that I can just say - I'm feeling a bit down today - that's not true - I have lots of people in my life I could say that to - but I suppose I don't want to tell anyone!

Anyway blogg I've told you - so now I must get up - pack my bag and go to Slovakia - I have absolutely no reason to feel down and every reason to count my blessings and recognise how lucky I am!

Full and lovely weekend..........

... started with a Spanish lesson straight from work on Friday - and then I met up with Vanessa later and we went back to Hector's for a party - we drank far too much wine and got home exceptionally late - but it was such good fun - I love going out with Vanessa - we just enjoy ourselves - even though the day after with - missing phones, recollections about fancy dress hats - and was there really a band playing in the front room - left us both more than a bit hazy!

Saturday belly dancing lesson - enjoying these tremendously - I have so many teachers in my life at the moment - 10 at last count - I look back and I really only had one for decades - and that was Chris - and probably not acknowledged by me as a teacher at the time - but now I consciously need a lot of teachers - with a very new consciousness and appreciation - though I was always a challenging student! Hector did get his revenge at some unearthly hour of Saturday morning - by getting me to talk Spanish as he was proud of me as his student - don't think after that amount of wine I did him proud - but I was actually very pleased!

Saturday night went to my beautiful sister Jenny's and Ali's 40th wedding anniversary - what a truly wonderful party - so much love - given and received - a very special night - Ali's tender and heartfelt speech, my lovely Mum and sister Ann doing what we do - and I was glad that I remembered Michael - felt him very strongly - and had a wonderful conversation with Ben this morning - which was so special.

Driving over yesterday - and then talking with Susie last night - the rawness of those few days - getting the phone call from Ben - going to Bryony's with Rob and meeting Ben - talking to police then - phoning my sister Jenny to tell her that her 19 year old son Michael was dead - them all getting home - the nightmare of every second - I think I could reconstruct practically every hour of those few days.

Wow - just re-read this blogg so far - bit extreme - but I suppose that's were I am in my life at the moment - recognising the extremes of my life - and appreciating every precious second of it!

Kahlil Gibran

I was sent this poem last night from a fellow dancer and it has so much resonance for me.

Gibran was part of my childhood, as the Prophet was one of my Father's books - but I don’t remember it being discussed - but he was there – but I had not read his work until last week.

And then a week last Saturday, I actually went to the little town of Bsharri in the Lebanon, where Gibran was born - his family bought an old monastery and had made it into his tomb and a museum with his photos and writings etc and it was very special. I bought a couple of his books there and just loved his writings - last Saturday I read from Gibran over breakfast before we went dancing - they were that kind of house guests - they indulged me!

But this poem sums up perfectly how I felt when I danced Heartbeat this weekend.

On Joy and Sorrow Kahlil Gibran

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

Dancing Heartbeat.............

Started this blogg last night but got as far as the title - when the combination of a wonderfully long hot bath, a lovely dinner on my own with candles and dancing Heartbeat for the whole weekend - all caught up on me and I have slept – a beautiful long and deep sleep, which I know my body needed.

Listening to your body is so much a part of Heartbeat and then dancing your body through, with and into deep emotional places – just an amazing gift to have been given. We started Friday with fear and anger and ended up yesterday with joy and compassion, having travelled with sadness through some of Saturday and Sunday. We danced in the huge space of the Blackie to Joe’s powerful drums and percussion music.

The dancing was extra-ordinary good but then I had two house guests, who just made the whole weekend even more special and magical. Very different women, on very different journeys, but the three of us just gave and got so much from each other – we talked, ate, listened and walked to and from the Blackie to dance. On Saturday night I cooked a meal, we lit a fire in the front room and they gave me a full body massage which I can still feel the warmth of. I just got so much from their company and our conversations - and I know they did to.

At this moment in my life – or perhaps it has always been throughout my life – I don’t know – but at this time - when I need to talk something through - or to be shown how I could think differently about something I don’t understand – then people appear in my life – it’s quite extra-ordinary. Wonderful people with knowledge for me – it’s like their lives have been filled with experiences which gave them just the perfect piece of knowledge that I was looking for at that particular moment in my life.

Sometimes you just can’t see what others can see – and different people use their own knowledge to see things in you and they can see clearly what you cannot – and that is what happened this weekend. I knew things about myself, but couldn't’t see them and in particular I have been thinking a lot recently about my relationship with men, including sexual relationships. I was with my beautiful Chris for all my adult life, we grew up together, worked things out together, blossomed together, and to move on I really need to think through what I want, but also, and this was the big eye opener of my weekend – what I have to offer.

So whilst I was dancing through fear, anger, sorrow, joy and compassion, I was also given the opportunity to talk through where my journey is taking me and like so many times recently, the result shook me as a real surprise but then when I thought about it - I realised that of course this isn't a surprise - it's what I'd known for a long time – and something my life has been preparing me for and something which my heart knew all along!

Mantra time – how lucky am I........................

feeling on top of it .. but also a bit out of my depth!

Next stage stuff - in London at a weird sort of do with Belgiums - making my mark - but not certain why or even how - but knowing I am!

Crazy atmosphere tonight - as what seems to be the entire Algerian ex pat community is partying in Trafalgar Square 20 yards for my hotel – plus fireworks! Rang Robbie to get details of football achiement.

Learning so much from talking to people whose lives have involved living in several countries and recognising how much they have going for them - but also - after wonderful conversations tonight – how this leads to their own set of vulnerabilities!

Know that I want to live in a Spanish speaking country for a minimum of three months - it's the only way I'll get fluent. Wow that's a big decision I've concreted tonight! Feeling a little bit out of my depth - then had long phone call with Lesley – wonderful – and the Algerian party continues outside my window!!!

Sunday - belly dancing - easy - then Nita and Pat - mind blowing!!!

Nita and Pat have been round for tea today with Rob - so special. There are some people in your life that you are just so privileged to know and Nita and Pat are two of them - truly inspirational women.

They could be seen - and were for a long time - as the two little sisters of my amazing friend Jeanette - for those who don't know - my best friend of my younger days - Jan died aged 39 - amazing/beautifully in your face/free spirit - woman and mother of two young children Sam and Jess - a death too early - and a death that left a lot of unfinished ripples.

Anyway - today on Jess's 18th birthday we - the Liverpool we - ate, talked and drank wine and went back into our lives - we did go forward with Rob for a bit - but most of the time we went backwards and relished and cherished and remembered - it was so good that Rob was there - because a lot of that time - hard/dark days - he was there - as a young man - growing up - but part of it - I look back and see how much weight was put on him - not easy - I need to recognise this more.

Nita also talked about the day she was told by her beautiful husband to be - Neil - that he had early onset Alzheimer's - she was still in her 20's - how hard was that - to be a young woman in love - to be told in your late 20's that your gorgeous man has Alzheimer's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It turned out to be Huntington's Chorea - but basically, 17 years later, Neil can no longer speak or move - though still regains consciousness - and Nita - to listen to the detail of the day to day - wow Nita is truly the most inspirational woman I know.

This blogg has been really good for me - como siempre - because through writing about it - I understand what I know - or don't know!

winding down - being at home

It is good to be at home - though have spent much of the day - doing what needed to be done i.e. washing and ironing etc - but it is still lovely to be home.

It's Saturday night and Gilly and have I have drunk wine and eaten Gilly centric food and enjoyed ourselves- and also talked honestly.

What's happening to me - is also part of my friends lives - and Gilly especially - I need friends who can help me keep my feet on the ground.

Not certain as to what is exactly happening in my life - but feel/see that I need some special people to be close to me.......................

Wide awake when I should be sleeping.............

It’s late – Beirut body clock is now at 3ish in the morning but I’m just really wide awake – probably because I slept on the plane – both planes – I’m really tired but not sleepy!

Have been looking back at the last few weeks in my blogg – I have been to some amazing places! Also think I probably over-use the word amazing – but it does seem to be the appropriate one.

Earlier today I was in Beirut – that in itself is pretty amazing (there’s that word again) on my own –got pretty good at that over the last three years – making the most of the opportunity of being in the Lebanon – but also so very aware of my own ignorance.

I miss my lovely Chris – he could have told me the dates and details of the Ottoman Empire – the various nightmare waves of fighting/anarchy over 19 years in Beirut - and the centuries of religious conflict in Lebanon and the Middle East – and beyond. I suppose that the big thing in my mind at this moment is how we are so interconnected – people having been moving around the world – from when? From the beginning I suppose.

The scale is accelerated by airplanes – the big thing that struck me about the Lebanon though was the centuries of movement of people. The city of Byblos – where I walked around the castle etc this morning – had pre-historic archaeology then millennium of levels going back 8000 years!!!!!!!

The movement of people.......

Well suddenly feel I need to sleep......

Wow, wow, wow ...... wow!!

Don't know where to start!

Beirut has been amazing on several levels.

Work wise very good - really helped my thinking and met lots of good people and listened and talked solidly for last three days!

Beirut wise - well amazing - difficult to explain - but I have just loved my time here, the people I have met and the places they have taken me to - on the physical, emotional and spiritual planes - lot of going places in that sentence! But just amazing!

One more short day and then home - knowing it will take me a while to process all this - both professionally and personally!

Can't get away from the matra - how lucky am I...........................................

Glowing..............

The combination of Canada and the Women's Lodge at Spirithorse has left me in a beautiful place - that sounds really naf - but I am just so happy at the moment - and enjoying every precious second of this.

It's funny how difficult it can be just to accept happiness - it's like there is an alternative motive to happiness - that makes it so difficult to dive into and to just enjoy.

Guilt has a lot to answer for! It's such a destructive and poisonous emotion. We have one life - and we have a duty to enjoy it! But maybe we need the other days - the days of sadness in order to be able to be happy.

I do remember being happy when Chris was alive - I can recall the feeling of wanting to savour and cherish every second - when Jimmy was a new born baby - but apart from that time in my life - I was happy but not as conscious of being happy - if that makes sense.

I do so love this blogg - because it really helps me think - I have just realised that I am consciously happy at the moment - I have been happy, quite happy and sort of happy for much of my lucky life - but where I am now is consciously happy.

But maybe you have to have been sad in order to be consciously happy!

The end result is that I am glowing with happiness - I don't feel guilty about this and I am treasuring and loving every second of my life..... so how good is that!!!

Still in Canada.....

........and having an absolutely mind blowing time!

Yesterday I was a key note speaker - and I had a long time - over an hour - speaking over lunch - to the whole conference - and later I spoke at the end of the Charrette process............ and it was truly amazing!

This is a very special conference and I love them - and they love me!!!!!

It's funny how things work out - I was interested in coming to this conference - the first of it's kind - but I had not expected the connection to be so strong - or so powerful.

Here for another two days - the conference continues today and tomorrow I have a series of meetings before flying home tomorrow night - then the Women's Lodge at Spirithorse for the weekend.

Heard that Mama died whilst I've been here - I am going to think about that whilst I'm in Wales - too much going on for me here to go there - so I will give myself time then...................

somewhere - out there!

It's Saturday night - 10ish and I'm in Toronto - having worked all day in an amazing Charrette process - as an expert - and been with special friends from US earlier - then dinner with amazing members of my team - feel pretty blown out!!!

Obviously in some kind of superlative mode - which is good - lots of layers to this - how come I've become what I have become! International expert - where did that come from!!!!

But this is what I have become.....

Happy to be home briefly...

........but also happy to be away again soon. Living in a whirl of travelling with all that goes with that - short bursts of intensity with long times in between. If I didn't enjoy the long times I would have to stop doing this - but at the moment I just love it.

Thinking a lot during those times - sometimes work - sometimes reading spanish books - sometimes just enjoying the moment of being there. You have to have patience to enjoy travelling.

Chris loved travelling - even though physically he should have found the process un-believably difficult - but he did have an extra-ordinary amount of patience - and particularly in the last few years - just lived for and loved the moment.

I was so lucky to have such a wonderful teacher for all those years!

So it's Sunday - a walk with all 5 boys today - some of the Sandstone Trail - followed by tea with all of us and Perri - veggie lasagna and red wine!

Tomorrow dancing, Wednesday, London, Thursday Canada.............

New friends and old friends

Having a lovely weekend - should really go running but went dancing in heeled boots last night and don't think my feet feel up to it - or me come to that! OK it was a very late night but such good fun - Vanessa and I went to a Tango night at El Rincon followed by dancing on the altar of the Alma de Cuba - two single women - out on the town!

Earlier I had been to Lesley's house and we walked and talked in her local park - a botanical garden with beautiful beech trees - again two single women - going deep in conversation and enjoying each others company.

Then today I have a big group of old friends - and two sons round for a roast dinner - though it will include one new friend - Mikko from Finland who's spending 3 months in my team - and is an amazing man. Rob and I bumped into him on Friday night and had one of those great end of the week nights talking and talking over lots of beer.

I'm thinking a lot about friendships at the moment - and how each friendship is so unique and precious. How you will talk about things differently with each friend, sharing different parts of yourself, building on these over time - making a shared history - which in time becomes part of the friendship.

Thinking about this - it goes much deeper than friends and extends to all the people that you share your life with. Some are there for only short period, some for all your/their life - but all having their own purpose within your life.

It does make me also recognise and appreciate how much of a friend Chris was to me. We were together as man and wife for all those years but he was also my best friend for all those years. I hadn't really thought of that before - and I do miss - so much - that wonderful and unique friendship.

But my life is so rich - I am so blessed with so many wonderful friends old and new. Time to get up and start preparing a roast lamb dinner - to be shared around my big extended table - with some of my oldest and dearest friends - how lucky am I.

Working and dancing...

Been very busy - big group of visitors for 4 days followed by a short trip to Brussels - but managed to dance three times this week - which was great - Monday at the Dojo - first time in a month - really needed and loved that - dancing at home! Then on the Wednesday - was pretty wild with European visitors in El Rincon - which was really good fun - if some what disconcerting for several members of my team! Then today I went with Vanessa to an Andrew Holmes Day of dancing in Shrewsbury - it was just so good!

There is just something special about dancing 5 Rhythms - and today was such a really good dance - we all went deep - blowing the socks of several new dancers - who were brilliant - Andrew is a truly inspirational teacher.

The Day was called 'Take a Partner' and explored relationships - so we danced what Vanessa and I discussed - all the way there and all the way back!! A subject of great interest to me at the moment. Until three years ago - I had spent all my adult life with one gorgeous man and that formed the basis of my relationship with all men - now I am on my own and thinking about - and making new relationships with men - and it's a whole new world - but fun!!

So it's Sunday night - and I am pretty tired - have not been sleeping well and then working, travelling loads - so it's good I have been also been dancing a lot because that really does give me energy - and today was really fabulous - I danced for 5 hours intensely - and was wild and wonderful - and I will dance tomorrow night - great stuff!!!!

How lucky am I to be able to dance!

Reality not always as easy..........

Having been really proud of myself with coping so well with the third anniversary - have actually found the day really hard and long! Gilly is in bed with a cold/flu so I'm on my own tonight - which is fine - though I felt the need to talk so rang several people - but that's good too!

Bought a new stereo today for my bedroom - with an ipod dock - and it's wonderful as it fills my whole bedroom with music - have had to shift furniture etc to get it right - but I now have sound surround music in my bedroom - linked to the Ipod - which is amazing!

So a long hard day - but that's OK - it was never going to be easy - I think I have come such a long way through these three years and sometimes it is good just to accept being sad...................

Third anniversary

Today is the third anniversary of Chris's death. I have been aware that it has been coming all week/month but it has been a much lighter shadow this year. I have just looked back to the two previous anniversaries and can really see that. One of the reasons I love my blogg so much is that I can re-visit my life over the last three years and see where my head was!

So worked yesterday as normal, had a Spanish lesson with Hector - and a year on I can actually have conversations in Spanish - how amazing is that, cooked myself a meal for one - bacon and mushroom salad with new potatoes - I like the hot/cold combo - watched part of a Spanish film - and talked to Paul and Sue for a lovely long time.

I was very tired last night - which when I think of how much I've travelled over the last three weeks was not surprising! My week started in Blanes and included a trip to Bristol which is two long trains from Liverpool.

Today two of my sons will come for breakfast/lunch, I will get my hair cut - it's pretty shaggy at the moment and then Gilly and I will drink wine and talk. Tomorrow I have a big group of Europeans coming for a few days and I go to Brussels on Thursday. But I will go dancing on Monday - so looking forward to that - in one of my new skirts I bought in Bristol made from re-cycled saris!

So I recognise what a lucky, lucky lady I am and I recognise that this is the third anniversary of my lovely husband's death with contentment and joy in my heart......

Blogging from Blanes

It's Monday and I have to finish of my development plan for the new centre this morning and then Fernando will run me to Girona airport this afternoon. I do feel so at home in Spain - which is great and my spanish is getting better but it's still pretty horrible. Fernando's house is a building site - so that makes me feel at home - though I know I'll be going back to a finished house - and Ed is painting the outside whilst I'm away.

I found america hard - I always do - and Madrid was actually hard work - but exciting. So it has been lovely just to have a couple of days doing nothing - we swam in the sea on an empty beach, walked, ate paella and fish and watched a film in french - and I breathed fresh air!!! There are two terraces with views from mountains to the sea and I have spent a long time on the upper terrace just breathing and collecting my thoughts.

So back to work properly tomorrow - the second launch of the pack and then straight to Bristol.... feel I have got my energy back -so how lucky am I..............

Having a first in Indianapolis!

Chris died just days after the 2006 COE conference and in 2007 I surrounded myself with Jimmy and Harri. Last year I went with Margaret and this year I've travelled on my own - and quite right too.

However I suddenly found myself today on my own in Indianapolis - I couldn't even point to it on a map - got the time zone wrong earlier today - and although I travel all the time on my own - it did suddenly feel that I was very much on my own. Might be something to do with having been with so many of my friends for the last few days.

I have been coming to the COE conference for the last 11 years - and have a group of very dear friends and I also know so many people - many have been to Liverpool on the staff tours, or their staff or students have been etc etc - so the COE conference is always a giant thing - but the bottom line is it's work - and I'm tired tonight.

...........continued the next morning. Felt quite lonely last night when writing this - when Lesley popped up on Facebook and we ended up talking for hours - she has some phone deal with free calls to the US! It was wonderful.

I'm such a lucky person, I feel lonely - so a friend with a great phone deal just appears!!

Staying in Houston

Has been wonderful – which I didn’t expect as I so struggle with America – I find the level of hatred and fear palpable – as I witnessed yesterday in the anger around President’s Obama’s speech to the school children. Bobbye put this radio station on and it was like the car just filled up with venom. A country of extremes which is also home to some of the loveliest people I know.

The joy of being in Houston has been Bobbye, Jackie and Mama. I’ve known Bobbye for 11 years, since she did the very first Black Roots summer school and have met Jackie a couple of times since they married 6 years ago – but had not spent time with the lovely man until now.... and Mama – she is so special – now in her 90s and very very frail with dementia – she is just such an amazing person.

As I type I’m sitting next to her as she sleeps. She doesn’t always remember me – but when she does – she gives me the most wonderful smile of recognition and then she forgets – so every time she remembers me I get this amazing welcome.

Mama is very old now – well into her 90s – and has had a lifetime which has gone from growing up in New York, the daughter of a housekeeper of a German artist, to now living with her only daughter in Houston. Her only brother died tragically as a young man, a now recognised Black artist with a painting in the Smithsonian. So no immediate next generation but a huge extended family across the USA.

I am so pleased that I made it here to spend time with Mama before she goes, I have helped Bobbye tend to her and made chicken soup yesterday. I’m crying as I type this and look at this wonderful frail old lady sleeping gently next to me. I do know why I feel so strongly about Mama – we just ‘clicked’ when we met and my love for her was met by hers for me.

Mama’s Great Grandmother was born a slave. As I write this sentence and look at the wonderful old lady sleeping beside me – the enormity of this statement resonates around me. Mama used to spend her summers in Georgia with her Grand Mother and Great Grand Mother. I am one cuddle away from a woman who was born enslaved.

I’m going to put two pictures with this blog – one of Mama as a young woman in the 1930s and one of Mama and me.

My heart hurts but also radiates with love.

Spirithorse

The Valley of Dreams was just so much fun, we danced and we sang, we ate great food and we laughed, we talked and we enjoyed the rain and the gale force winds! It was a tent village of lovely remarkable people, who didn't care about convention or status. I felt so privileged to be a part of it, to be so beautifully embraced in the loveliness and often time craziness of it all!

It was also a profoundly moving experience and there were times when I did feel a bit over-whelmed by it all.

I had taken a small oak tree with me, which Lara had given me last year and had been in my back garden - and I knew it couldn't stay there. I had also taken some of the cloth from Rene's Sweat Lodge - and the tree and the cloth were incorporated into a whole village ceremony - which was an amazingly powerful and wonderful experience.

The valley is so beautiful and special and it felt very right to recognise Chris there, whilst at the same time dancing outrageously and being wild!

I went dancing last night in Hoylake, which I really needed. It was a lovely session and it has helped to ground me a bit after the weekend - get my feet back on the ground - for a few days -before I go to Texas.

Wow - I am just so remarkably blessed!

The Valley

Living on my own.............

Tonight - for the first time in my entire life - I am living on my own!!!!

Jimmy moved into his house today, all ready to start university, and I am now a completely independent woman!

Not that long ago I would have thought this to be my worst nightmare - but tonight I am just really ready for the next stage of my life. I am also very conscious of how many people live on their own, sometimes from a very early age - I am also aware that I am not the only person I know of comparable age that have actually never lived on their own.

So from today I will be on my own - rattling around this great big house - but comfortable with this - which is good - this feels very much as a part of a process -the Spirithorse weekend was absolutely amazing - also part of the process.

So I am now on my own......................... and it feels good!!!

An exhausting and emotional week

Hit me by surprise - quite how emotional and upsetting the week has been - the week of Jimmy's A level results - the upshot of which is he's going to John Moores to do History - a good result but not his first choice.

But the thing is - and I'm continuing to get upset as I write this - is that it's been such a hard three years for Jimmy - and for me too - as his Mum - I had the responsibility of helping him get to the next stage - which as Chris died just as he started his A levels - was to pass his A levels and go to university. It was an unspoken thing that this is what he had to do - because it would have been what his Dad would have wanted. Looking back over the last three years - he/we didn't make good choices - how did he end up doing Maths and Physics for three years!!!!!!!!!!! .. and in the end he was only two points off the grade required!

So I think so much of the emotion this week has been one of relief - though this has come out as anger in Jimmy and over-emotional tearfulness by me.

It's now Friday night - Jimmy is reconciled to his course - I actually think it's a better option for him - and we are friends again. We are both away next weekend and he will move out the week after that - and I suppose this has also been part of the emotion of the week.

I am proud of Jimmy for what he has done over the last three years and myself for supporting him - as much as I could - alongside his two lovely big brothers. So family Jenkins a joint effort - but an exhausting week non the less!!

Family holiday............

.......came as a bit of a surprise - though I don't know why as I did go with two of my sons, Lara and met up with Franja and her son Jan - but it was just that - a real family holiday - and just lovely - Nerezine is a perfect place - we did very little apart from swim, eat, read, played cards, drink beer, talked and laughed a lot - though I did run every morning, usually with Franja - which has got me back running - comfortably did the park this morning - so feel fit and relaxed. Don't really feel like going back to work tomorrow.

With so much going on in my life - a family holiday was just perfect - though I can't see me having another one - but who knows - Rob was also away having a ball in Bosnia and Serbia with a couple of mates - he's full of great stories - definitely didn't sound like a family holiday though!!!

So back to work - do feel a bit steadier than a few weeks ago - which is good - and how lucky am I to have had another wonderful family holiday.........................