uncertainty......

.................. with my future .... and with everything... buffff!!!!!

It's Sunday night - the weather today (and for several days)  has been extraordinarily beautiful - sunny - but more than sunny - amazingly/heart warmingly sunny!!!

I had a very lazy morning and then sorted out some storage boxes for Jim (for him to move into my tiny flat)  - he goes to Spain on Tuesday - we will overlap a bit - but from this summer he will leave Liverpool - still waiting confirmation where - but today I did feel a big feeling of transition.......... I love his going but recognise that I will really miss his presence - he has been so very close to me over the last few months/years.

After moving stuff - Jim and I went to the pub and talked over beer and a following meal - it was lovely. Unexpectedly I felt quite emotional - it was all un-planned - but that was good. We sorted out practical stuff - he will be here at mine - when I am not..... probably with Rachel most of the time - so keys etc are sorted.

So I am feeling lighter............ recognising another gossamer thread connection to my old life is  moving on....

But also wondering where my life will take me? But loving the fact it could be anywhere!!!!!!!!!

Wildness and wonderfulness!!

I have no idea why I called the blogg this - just opened the page and it's what I wrote - love it! Now I have to see what the wildness and wonderfulness means!

Have actually had a very quiet evening - I worked late - lots to do at the moment - but I am also so happy to be really beautifully clear - just getting on with it- which after the last few months - feels really focused and good.... Then I went to Liverpool1 to buy my Mum's birthday present for Jim - as we go over to see her on Saturday - and then he's away - and there is absolutely no way my Mum would have been able to buy an ' ipod world travel adaptor kit' on her own!

Then tonight I have been sorting out music on my phone - as it had got a bit muddled - and I like to play music in the car and at work via my phone (still sorting actually whilst blogging) - I love the music on my itunes - over 40 days - unbelievable but beautiful - and a real organic mixture of Chris, Jim, Rob - and my choices plus friends just lovely..... keep moving from this blogg - to save tracks - choosing ones that resonate with me.

Last weekend was lovely - Steph was over from Belfast and we had such a good time - and then on Sunday we cooked a birthday dinner for Jim - there was 8 of us - 4 young ones - 4 not quite so young - but together we ate special food, talked and laughed a lot, drank wine/beer and were just joyous - how blessed am I to have such wonderfulness in my life!!!

OK - so that was the wonderfulness - what was the wildness? Well I think that must be........

......I meet and connect with people - and I know that I am very open to these connections - and when they happen I just go with them - and I go where ever they take me.......

I feel very right and beautifully blessed to do this - but I also know that some my friends worry for me! But I also know that fear petrifies - so to live without fear - which is what I do - is the only way!

Last night I was with one of my 'daughters' and we just went.......... some ways challenging each other - many ways supporting each other - but just seeing each other - and then just going to where that took us. We went back in our histories and also  to and fro in our futures - but we did it all by just being in our present!!!!!

But we also had a ball!! And ate fine steaks - that I cooked - and did the washing! I just love these beautiful connections - day to day - seemingly ordinary - but spirituality extraordinary.

Way to go....... Life is so beautiful.


.

Deliciously tired....

... an tonight I do feel wonderfully weary.

Worked hard for the last few days for a deadline - another funding proposal which went off this afternoon - and I loved it. Don't know if the bid will be successful - but just loved the thinking and where the process of writing it took me/us.

The bid is called ' Dream Our World' and it is for funding for a global conference of young people - working with them in such a way as to enable them to identify what an ideal education environment should be - for them....

The most powerful thing about Bucharest for me was the meeting of minds of the young people - and the one thing that they totally agreed on - absolutely unanimously - from around the world - was that their education/their schooling is profoundly boring.......................

I was talking about this to Jim over the weekend - and it was so true of my childhood - and I think of his - children go to school to be taught - not to learn - but to be taught. And what we were taught was/is - How to be an adult - How to conform - How to obey the madness which are the self imposed rules of our society..... absolutely bonkers!!!!!!!!

So I love the thinking which enables me to go back into my childhood and to start to think through what I've been taught - and then to reflect on what I actually needed to know!!!

Having my Mother in my life is also really important to me as I think through this stuff - reflecting with her and through her - what she has learnt over and through her rich and long life - the two ends of the spectrum - I suppose - what is it that young people want/need to learn? - and what is it that elders understand through their own life's experience of learning  (and actually how much of that was taught?)

Closer to home have spend a lot of tonight talking on the phone - lovely deep conversations - learning - and lots of openness and love - wonderful - so a mind full - a heart glowing and a body weary...... time for bed......

Living in the present - but how do I do that?

It's Friday evening - after what seems like some of the most concentrated days that I have had for a long time - (which is saying something!) - absolutely no complaints - all wonderful and rich - but also so amazingly full on - in so many ways!

Tonight I went to see my Mum after she had been in hospital for a night - she fell yesterday and banged her head - Fiona and Ann sorted everything - but I was there this evening - took with me the mobile phone that Jimmy and I had bought her yesterday - by her forgotten request - a bit ambitious - but see how we go!

My Mum is amazing - she was finding it so hard tonight - she hates losing her memory of recent events - and the fall has knocked her confidence - she was feeling 'stupid'  - and tired after a night in hospital etc - but she was also very funny and loving - doing her best to pick herself up - and loving the concept of the mobile phone -  foreseeing all sorts of potential uses when she's on holiday etc. I just agreed as she was not really going to the day to day - like me trying to contact her when she's not in her room - or her being able to phone without getting out of bed etc..

But I think we were both holding our breath - as the things she really wants to do - in her very precious life of the moment - are just so dependent on her living semi-independently in  Abbeyfield and her ability to stay strong and active etc -  She knows she can't fall again etc - with all that would lead from that......... So she really is living every second of her life today (consciously) - with a huge understanding that the life she wants to live tomorrow - is totally dependent on her ability to hack it through today!

Wow ----- when I wrote Living in the present - but how do I do that? as the title of this blogg - I was actually thinking about conversations I had had today and recently-  about living in the present - but hey I don't need to think any more - I just need to really try and understand where my Mum is with every second of her life - wow........

OK feel crammed full of emotion,  and very tired - but beautifully happy - doing my best to live in the present and to really understand/feel/live what this means -  it' might be Friday night - but I'm for an early night - to sleep in the present - tomorrow is another day to be - what ever that means!!!!

Crazy pace of change..............

Know I'm not the only one ... in fact think it is all of us... but the pace of change is truly quite extraordinary at the moment!!!!!

Am OK - but do feel like that there is so much happening around, with and to me - that it is sometimes difficult to feel any kind of certainty... but also recognise, relish and love the fact that there is no certainty - wow - change is just happening - so let's enjoy it!!!

I can clearly see that if you stop - for what ever reason - then you move from being part of the 'flow' to a 'blockage ' - from being in a raft going down the rapidly flowing river - to being a rock in the river!

Doing my best to 'go with the flow' but also recognising I am so blessed to be me - to be this woman who is living her life - and enjoying every second of it - way to go!

That doesn't mean that it is easy - because it hasn't been recently - but I do feel beautifully happy - if sometimes hanging on by my finger tips to the edge of the raft!

But way to go - who wants to be a rock - with everything swirling and moving past us? Not me!!!

Roller Coaster.........

.....what a week - a roller coaster and a half! Am at home tonight - last Friday I was in Bucharest - little sleep and travelling after an amazing week! Last weekend was a beautiful blurr of travel, family and friends (and little sleep!) This week has been truly hard - moved office, left my team, walked on and away - a huge mixture of emotions - I focused on the positive - and am proud of myself as I did well - worked hard and stayed focused - though have to say I also took time to grieve and to recognise the sadness - but I actually had very little time as I was just so busy and also Rob was here, overlapping with Jimmy and Rachel then Alex and Lara plus two young Croatian girls - out every night a flat full - 6 here last night - in a flat for one person - so pretty bonkers all round!!! Tomorrow we go camping - a Gilly first and linked to Alex and Lara going to a wedding in the lake district - really looking forward to it - though it will be very cold - but jus feel happy to be going close to the earth and it will be a full moon - perfect and so what I need....... So have felt bruised this week - like I've been in a washing machine - pretty mad - but tonight I feel good - clean and moving on - yes a little bit vulnerable - tired - but also very, very blessed and buffff - big time - CHANGE IS GREAT - but not easy - way to go!

Living in the moment...........

... I am tonight very tired but am happy to wait up for Rob, Hanja and Ivanicha to arrive from Croatia - struggling to stay awake though!

Really lovely day, Jimmy and Rachel came for a late breakfast and then we went to my Mum's - Jimmy introducing his girlfriend to his grandmother ....

I only got back from Roumania mid afternoon yesterday and had arranged to meet an old friend last night, because it was the only night we could meet for ages - and am so glad we did because we just talked - and I talked...... it poured out - so much has happened recently! So that was lovely and then today was so special - family...... Rob here later tonight til Friday - Alex and Lara overlapping Thursday night - Jim and Rachel being here til Wednesday then back the following Monday... wonderful!!!!!!!

Last week was also a real turning point for me - re the thinking that I need to clarify - hard but beautiful - so much fell into place in Bucharest - many reasons for this - but the real reason being that it was the right time...... I can now see clearly what I have to do - Big Picture - details still cloudy - but I have had lots of  - path analogies over the last few days - all about being able to see where I'm going -  I will however go into work tomorrow - and I must take this thinking and write it up really, really clearly - I know that wont be easy - I'm also supposed to be moving offices tomorrow and having a house full....

I can either look at this as difficult or I can just say - How lucky and I to have so much richness in my life - no brainer!!!!!

I have also just realised that I'm still in Bucharest time - 2 hours ahead - so waiting to 1 - actually means waiting up to 3!!!!!

Busy inBucharest....

I'm now in Bucharest - and it's strange to be somewhere - yet with so many people I know - and to feel that I'm in a different country, that I don't really know, and yet so much at home.

I have been interacting with 2 conferences over the last three days, working closely with people from across Europe and well beyond. Many of whom I've been with over the last few months - in several different countries - so extraordinary and yet so deliciously ordinary - wonderful.

The joy of both conferences are the young people - students from across Europe and young people aged between 13-15  from across the world. The thing I love most is how normal this feels - how right and just meant to be....

We are here to work - all of us - this is accepted by the young people and the slightly older students - and they have worked - for long tiring days ( and nights), and for most in a second language ( 2 other native  English speakers in 3 days)....   and I just love them for  their passion, integrity and commitment

They party but only after they have put the work in - and what work - real thinking - the joy of thinking - We Can, We Must and We Will change the world thinking.............. what better kind of work could there be?

So I too have worked hard.... feeling more focused now after the last few weeks/months .... and feeling strong and energised by Bucharest and the wonderful young people that I am blessed to be with.... tired tonight though, so an early night with a song in my heart - to dream well..... of change........ love it!!!

Days of change....

......it feels like a huge shift has occurred and I think it has. So what has actually changed?

Big things and small things... yesterday I left my office and the next time I return it will be to move out to another office. A small event in the scale of things - but the process means that I will be moving on from my lovely team - I will be leaving them to a very safe pair of hands - but they, and their work will no longer be my responsibility. There will be a small group that continue to work with me on SiS Catalyst but I will no longer work directly with the majority.

I am so happy that the decision has been made and the change enacted - for to get to this point has been has been very hard for all of us... yesterday I was describing how it has felt for the last few months - I felt like a Firefighter tackling a fire - holding onto a hose pipe and pointing it at the fire but with no water coming out!

But the change has now occurred - my office will be in boxes a week on Monday and I will move on. In the meantime I will go to Bucharest and have the chance to really focus on what I now need to do. My heart sings with happiness, it has wanted this for a long time and I feel very grateful for what has happened.

I also feel a deep sadness as I know that other people got hurt through the process and I did not want that to happen. I have thought so much about this and on reflection I do not think I could have stopped that hurt from occurring........

Sometimes it's OK to be sad - and to recognise hurt and pain and thats what I am doing now in my blogg. The pain is not mine - and I also recognise this - it is the pain of others that I am recognising and respecting.

So I move on..........................

 

back home but on the move...........................

....so much change - so much movement - feeling quite nomadic tonight - woke up in Paris this morning -  travelled home, bit of shopping and sorting, then dinner with Gilly - touching base with my life here - working plus family tomorrow..... then Brussels... then Roumania.... plus a lot of work here. Absolutely no complaint - knowing how lucky I am to do what I do - to be me - but also recognising that I am no longer the person of one place that I used to be!

The previous Tricia was so different!

Last weekend I was with Alex and Lara in Grenoble, and it was just so lovely to be in their French home, to see them happy.... perfect!

A couple of weeks before to see Rob happy in his home in Varazdin, Croatia.... wonderful. Knowing that Jimmy will be leaving Liverpool shortly - it does raise the question, what is there here for me?

Wow - that's a huge question, which for over 30 years was not even a question - but now?

Which of course with my nomadic head on - could be anywhere - why not? Crazy - but bottom line is - somewhere I will be happy........

Which of course means I need to know what makes me happy - wonderful - the best question in the world, the only question worth answering! But the answer is fluid - and I don't think I yet know the answer - I like being nomadic, increasingly realising and accepting that I can be happy - but where - and with whom - bufff- no idea - but deliciously also feel it could be anywhere!!!!!

OK -  to be happy is the most important thing - where/with whom  etc comes later - Wow being clear  on what actually makes me happy - must be my priority.

My boys are right!!!!! I have become an 'Old hippy!' (with nomadic tendencies) - you know what - it's great fun!!!!!!

Feeling tired in Paris....

.... which is a great place to feel tired in!!! Work has been full on and really hard this week - but the joy of my job is the wonderful people I am privileged to work with - sat listening to three of them arguing/discussing their next steps as I write this....

I know I am tired because I have had to really, really focus on staying positive for several weeks now - and that's not always been easy - but I've done my best!

How lucky I am to be me.........

My Mother and positive thinking................

Peaceful Sunday - after a bit of boozy night last night -  was out with Gilly and Fiona - we drank lots of wine and talked and it was lovely!! And today after a lazy morning, I went over to my Mum's and we went for a walk around Shakerley Mere.

It is one of her old favourites - though I don't think she has done for a while, definitely not since my Dad died. It is a mile walk, on the flat, around a lovely little mere. Which in this extraordinary weather, we are having, was just breath-takingly beautiful and the pleasure of walking it with my Mum was intense. She and I just treasured and savoured every tree bursting with green shoots and/or blossom, listened and watched the birds singing, the colours, especially the greens!, the sunshine..... it was just so good to be with her - as we ENJOYED IT SO MUCH. It was special. We talked about last year, my Dad dying and her positive attitude to life, we talked a bit about my life but she gets a bit muddled about who's who and where I've been/am going - so we just agree that I am very lucky and have a fantastic job!!!

Then we went back to her new home - and it is lovely to see her happy and comfortable there - and she is also eating - really, really well. She is happy, content and very grateful for everything in her life - which is perfect. We were sitting outside, having a cup of tea, when she said an interesting thing - which I have been thinking about since. She was reflecting on her lifetime and the global changes that have occurred for her generation - in particular the speed of change and the movement of people around the world - which she thought was wonderful - 'full of wonder' but she also felt she could cope with it - though she didn't think her parents generation could have done!!! So she was reflecting, very positively on the world and its people, when she commented 'But not everyone understands yet - there are even sometimes murders....'

This struck me strongly then and I have been thinking about it since - and what I think is that her mindset is so positive - that even though she watches the news everyday and reads the newspaper regularly she had to remind herself that there are negative people (murderers) in the world..... I have been thinking about this since she said it... and loving it - it's like she's living her life accepting all these massive changes and just focusing on being so positive that she even struggles to recognise the negativity.... wonderful I want to live my life like this tooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Connecting with people....

.... happens beautifully - and I am increasingly seeing that they all come with a purpose - which is much bigger than me or my individual need to connect with another person...... a lot here to unravel!

Jackie Coleman said to me several years ago - Everyone is in your life for a 'Reason' and a 'Season.' I liked this then and still like it now...  I believe that everyone is in my life for a purpose (for me to learn) and they are in my life for a period of time - be that short or long. Their leaving sometimes being where the big learning occurs - like Chris's sudden death.

So I am increasingly living my life on the basis that everyone around me - close and far - are in my life for a reason (for me to learn from). This means that I welcome everyone into my life - and those who know me - see the smile! It doesn't matter if they are in my life for a moment or a lifetime - they are in my life and we are connected. I think have been doing this for quite a while - but not really recognising what I was doing. It does mean that I go very deep, very quickly with anyone who responds and is open to the connection........

I was thinking about how these connections just happen - with a lot of extraordinary circumstances - when the phone rang - and I had a wonderful conversation with one of my 'daughters' about consciously connecting. We also talked about breathing - and how inspiration (breathing in ) is 50% of breathing - but that it is hard to recognise the process of 'inspiration' - especially within ourselves.

Then I came back to the computer and stumbled on Youtube - to hear a piece all about soul connections - which just made so much sense to me...... Love it - so I am increasingly clear that the connections I make - the deep and profound - the very quick/spontaneous - are soul connections... wow love, love, love it - and it makes beautiful sense to me!!!!!

in bed drinking tea.....

....decided I was dehydrated so have been drinking pots of herbal tea... I am home, it's Saturday morning and I'm just slobbing in bed - and it feels great!!!!

Last week was hard - I have accepted that and am glad of it - there were lots of reasons and I did struggle to stay happy - I also saw clearly the consequences of not being happy  - dark clouds of despair negative and heavy - building up around me.....  and it was really good to see them - to recognise them - and then to have the strength to look directly at them and to blow them away.

Which was what I did.... and it was amazing - it was like the world lifted and the sun shone just for me, and my heart space became open and I remembered how beautiful it is to be happy!

So today I am going to see my Mum - we will go and buy teabags for Robbie - tonight I'm going out with Margaret to meet Hector and tomorrow I go to Croatia.... and I am happy again!

It was good to see the dark clouds though, and what was really, really good was to recognise that I was building them up - by letting negativity get through to me - once I realised that I was doing that - getting rid of them was easy.

I still don't know what I want to happen in my future but that's OK - that's part of the lesson of acceptance - not knowing is fantastic - just being is perfection - and smiling is contagious! 

One of those wierd nights.......

..... after a hard couple of days at work - mind buzzing tonight!!!!

I feel that I have so much going on - in so many 'levels' - of my life - it feels a little bit overwhelming - but also tonight it feels more than a little bit wonderful......
I have struggled a bit with the day to day- since Colombia - jet lag combined with going to Barcelona - plus understanding (or trying to understand) where I have been - plus work - and good work - but also quite heavy and draining......

Yes - it has been heavy and draining - these last 10 days....

But all good!!!! Today has been a hard day - yet several times I have heard very strong messages about the need to stay positive - it has been wierd as none of them were directed at me - but over-heard snippets between others, on the radio and about somene else....

... but their message was about the importance for me to stay positive.... and happy...

.. which I am not finding easy.... but beloved blogg - yes I know it is what I need to do.... to be positive - for if I am not - all I get back is negativity.... wow so true!!!!

OK - so am knackered - good recognise that... am happy - though it is not the easiest state of mind to be in!

But yes I CAN - and AM beautifully positive - only way to be..............................

Turning around and off again!

Feeling a bit rushed - haven't really found my feet and I'm off again tomorrow  - but it's OK - felt quite wobbly yesterday but tonight feel good - though I know I'm still a bit jet lagged from Colombia as I feel wide awake now at 11 - but know I will struggle at 6 tomorrow morning!

The important things are good - my Mum, and my boys - Jim and I had a truly delicious tea tonight - we decided it was the best meal I had cooked for a long time - pretty cool hey! And I talked to both Rob and Alex - and have touched base with others close to my heart - so good.... But I also recognise that it will take a while to come down to earth after the last three weeks  - but as I'm off again tomorrow I know I'm not giving my self much time to process one set of feelings, thoughts and emotions before setting off in a completely different direction.

So that's a clear thought - and writing that has made me know that I need to consciously stop - when I can  - in the next few days - and  take the moment to clear all the busyness and just be me.

OK I can do that!

I love my blogg because it helps me think clearly! I can meditate most anywhere - and that's what I must make time to do - just go to my heart space and take the time to just be..... nothing else - just be me - here and now - and you can do that anywhere!

Buffff!!!!! Isn't being just beautiful...................

Leaving Columbia...

.... I have been amazed by the beauty of this country and the warmth of my welcome which has continued over the last lovely week. We have been travelling - driving on roads - an adventure! Staying in old villages with dancing horses and moto rickshaws providing street performances in the evenings - meeting people and hearing stories - walking on high paths through green lush countryside enchanted by birds and insects of many colours - enjoying such richness with an open heart and great pleasure - but now I must go home.....

Like the best holidays you get to the stage when you know it's over and it's time to go home and you must start closing off from this world and begin to prepare for the return to the old world.... but like the best holidays and best adventures - I know I go back a different person - my heart is full of immense gratitude for the wonderful time I have had - and I have learnt so much - about myself and my journey and I am filled with great happiness - how amazingly lucky am I?

So a shower, breakfast, a drive around the lakes of El Pinol then to the airport......... then home.

.....still pinching myself!

I did actually pinch myself yesterday as I couldn't really believe where I was and what I was doing! Being away from home always means you reflect more - but I live in astonishment at where I am and what I'm doing - but to be in Columbia, speaking in Spanish - to 400 people in a huge auditorium at a conference which was arranged just for me - was amazing. But the wierd and wonderful thing is - that I am just so at home here!

Tonight I'm at Ana's and Pablo's - we're all pretty tired after the last couple of very hectic days - Ana has gone to bed with the beatifically content baby Fidel and the mariposa hermosa (beautiful butterfly) Simona. Pablo has to finish off a video for Monday - so I am just relaxing and reflecting on the last couple of wonderful days. I am also very excited about the next week of my holiday - which starts tomorrow..... how did all this happen??? No idea - but it's wonderful and I'm revelling in every treasured second of it - with a heart just full of gratitude and love.

Wow moments!!!!!

I'm on my own in Raul's flat in Sao Paulo - he had to go to Brazilia - and I leave for Medellin tomorrow morning - so I'm sat in the front room watching as a storm cloud full of rain rolls in - the flat is on the top of a hill and on the ninth floor - so you see over a part of the city - it is a very big city - so only a part! And I have just watched the rain coming - rolling over the high rise blocks of flats like a grey blanket of mistiness with lots of wild wind banging noises - and now it is really starting to rain - like a huge breath being exhaled - a magical soft noise - the soft sound of the grey blanket! As the windows are always open the freshness of the rain is all around me. So a beautiful Wow moment - life is sooooo amazing!!!!!!

Loving Brasil......

Have been here for a few fantastic, wonderful, jam packed days of Carnaval, parties, meeting and connecting with amazing people and children.... and lots and lots of dancing! This is a holiday and a half!!!!

Yesterday we went to a Samba bar and we drank beer and ate traditonal food and danced to hours of wonderful music - I was in my element.... I am not able to really talk with many people except when Raul translates - as I find Portugese very different to Spanish - but it didn't matter - I have loved listening and focusing on the conversations as you can see much without understanding all the words - that has come out of the last few days very strongly to me. When we understand the language I think we can make assumptions about what people are saying and don't really 'see' them when we are talking...... and of course the language of dance is universal! I think it's my first language - next time I fill a form in which asks Which languages do you have? I think I'll say Dance, English and some Spanish.

The day before was truly extra-ordinary - I was very honoured to be welcomed into a community - meeting open hearted people who work with passion, commitment and politics and of course children...... it was so inspiring... I am crying as I write this - I loved the honesty I met - truth seekers... the difference between 'Working with passion and soul' and 'Doing a job' is huge. It is something that the distance of being here is really showing me...... why do we do anything in this life unless it is with passion and soul?

Bufff - big thoughts here - but beautiful ones! So my journey in South America continues and I will do my very best cherish every precious second and to live every moment with total passion and soul - as it is the only way to live!

And oh yes - I was in the Carnaval!!!! X9 Samba School in a truly mind blowing costume, dancing in a block of about 50 people dressed like me - there was about 50 Blocks and floats in the X9 school parade - truly wonderful experience - my friend Raul has welcomed me into his life and world, for which I am truly grateful - how blessed am I!!!