Quiet night in..

... back in my own house - with my lovely Kipper - who seems to have reacted well to having been living round at Rob's at night and here during the day. I also think he had a lot of exercise with Rob taking him for three walks a day as well as walking him round and back to his house - Kipper's still sleeping it all off!

Jim still away - apparently they are getting a bit short of money - but that's natural and educational! Alex is also in Germany - not sure where.

Everyone at work is very tired.. delivery only finished last Friday and it's been a long and hard year so far - still seems a remarkable amount going on though - we all went out with the departing GAs and the US Interns on Monday - they go home on Friday - lovely bunch this year.

Being away has made me appreciate how lucky I am to be surrounded by such a great group of people.

Still in Germany

At the end of a very long day – and after a week of being a student which has left me either over confident or just not concentrating – because twice today I have got the tram in the wrong direction - the last time left me at 11.45 at night – in Uber somewhere – which in the pitch dark looked and felt like Uber Nowhere – and I finally worked out that I had got off the last tram of the night! Bit scary but finally found my way - very dark - very quiet - to a bus stop - where a bus magically appeared and after a strange conversation in German - I was back en route to the hotel - passing a sign which said 8km Kassel! - the bus took me - the only passenger on it - round the backstreets of Kassel hinterland – sleeping with all its lights off - before finally getting back to the station - my drop off point for the hotel - I was very relieved to get back here - two hours after I left the restaurant!

Had a weird day – course going well – we – the students are being quite critical of the teaching styles – it’s being run by academics who know their stuff but present it in a somewhat uninspiring manner – I’m not certain that this isn’t just the German method of teaching – but the Dutch and Danish are very critical – I’m just enjoying being a student – and asking difficult questions!

In another completely different way – today’s Lecturer was a bit disconcerting. I have had not had a lot of ‘Seeing Chris’ moments –since he died – a couple – but today as I sat listening to this guy from the Netherlands talking – I became increasingly struck how he had similarities with Chris physically – he was a man about the same age – but he had similarities of build and hair and skin, eyebrows – he didn’t ‘look’ like him – but I don’t know if I have ever seen anyone who ‘resembled’ Chris so much – it was weird. I had to make a conscious decision not to be upset about it - and I wasn’t but I knew I wanted to tell someone – so I have blogged it!

Anyway it’s getting late and I have to be up early to pack and checkout before another couple of sessions before getting the train to another obscure bit of Germany to get home - obviously thinking a lot about Jimmy – also travelling – as he managed to lose his mobile at Benicassim I am relying on Jan, Barney’s Mum for updates on their travels!

Mantra strong - how lucky am I!

Alone in Germany

But OK - not quite certain where abouts in Germnay I am - somewhere called Siegen - it's quite small and pretty and very German - picture postcard houses! The conference in Utrecht was very good - but quite hard work - a few people I knew but I found the whole programme very stimulating and thought provoking!

Off to the opera tonight - it's currently pouring with rain and it's and outdoor production of Aida - have already bought an umbrella - might invest in a more waterproof kagool - could be a long wet night! Talked to Rob and Alex - no news from the festival boy Jim beyond had arrived safely and the coach had been a 'masterstroke'! Rob seems to be coping with the dog - or the dog seems to coping with being at Rob's. so now time for me to go an explore Siegen!

Home alone

... before going off tomorrow - to new, unknown and at the moment bit scary places. Dog completely neurotic - lots of boys with rucksacks this morning was just too much for him - he really gets upset by luggage - and I suppose the atmosphere of excitement - however 'cool' they are!

Feeling that I'm burdening Rob with the dog - but have exchanged kennel fees for (hopefully) last few driving lessons.

Went dancing tonight - a particularly good peer group dance - I did the music for Flow which I was bit nervous about because only I did it at the last minute because of computer problems - but strangely - or perhaps because of time pressures - it went down very well - then after the quickest shower and change ever - went for a drink with Gilly as we haven't seen each other for ages and I'm off tomorrow.

So now I'm home - and home alone - still find this a difficult place to be - probaby because I'm just so unused to it. But I do feel more OK and comfortable than last time - which is good.

Had a text from Jimmy - he's now camping with 30,000 others in Benicassim and the 'Jimmy Jenkins coach' which he arranged apparently was a 'masterstroke' which just feels good.

So home alone - but OK - very aware of how lucky am I to be me!

A weekend of computers and boys

We have had a system32 virus at home - and we've been watching - like last weeks episode of Dr Who - as programme after programme switched themselves off!

You get used to a computer that works - Rob has been absolutely fantastic and re-formatted and re-driven and done all the extra little bits that we wanted - swore quite a lot during the process but got us back on line - followed by everything else - it's all running well now - technology is great when it's working but nothing more irritating when it isn't!

Having boys for the weekend as Peri is in London with the choir - as part of the Last Choir Standing competition - lots and lots of pressure on her as Musical Director. Boys had important weekend with Jamal's Prom on Friday and Aziz had his first proper party last night - beer, girls and being 14!

Tomorrow Jimmy is off to Benicassim for a 10 day music festival with loads of his mates, followed by back packing with a few of them. He has ended up as the chief organiser and he has done so well.

Went for a run this morning and passed the Beech Tree where we scattered Chris's ashes - thought about Chris and how proud he would have been of all his beautiful sons - it's thoughts like that which can still make me cry - but I suppose they always will!

Anyway - time to wake boys up and Peri's coming for dinner when she gets back from London later - I'm off to a conference on Tuesday in Utrecht and then doing a weeks course at a German university - and inspired by Jimmy's festival have arranged to go and see Aida performed outside in a castle next Saturday night. I feel quite excited about going off on my own - I'm moving on.

Feeling tired yet very happy

Went to Deonne's wedding tonight - and it was lovely. Had a few doubts earlier on - not sure who I'd talk to etc and that it is my wedding anniversary today - but it was a lovely wedding party - last year I ducked out of weddings but I suppose I also avoided a lot of other things as well.

Did feel a 'single' woman - but also feel so much more confident with that - also really enjoyed meeting the partners of my staff - which I don't usually do, so all in all an excellent evening/night - it's now 2 and I'm off to meet my family and cousins tomorrow so need to get to bed... but am happy it's my 34th wedding anniversary - and also reconciled to the fact that it's my second without Chris.

Life goes on - and it's now time for bed.......

Still dancing...

Last night with TRiO students at their end of Study Tour Party - great fun!

The week has absolutely flown by - very busy at work - lots of things happening. Off to Berlin tomorrow - spend most of last week trying to write a paper - which I did just in time to photocopy the powerpoint to take with me by 5 on Friday!

Jimmy went to his prom last night - looking gorgeous in his suit - he is so much 'lighter' the last few weeks - I think his exams were putting him under a lot of stress - I also think it has taken him this length of time for him to come out of the shock of his Dad dying, him finding him in the garden and the whole process of us getting back on an even keel.

When I was in Spain - one of my fellow dancers was a young woman of about 32 who was dancing through splitting up with her long term boyfriend - he had found his father dying at the age of 16 and because he hadn't dealt with it - was still - 16 or so years later on - unable to move on and have a relationship. Made me think about my Jimmy - but positive thoughts as I don't think he will be worse off for what happened to him and in many ways the reverse - it has made him take on responsibility for himself (and me) which has made him a more mature young man - and gorgeous in his suit - and that's not just because I'm his Mum!

Saturday morning and the dog's letting me know he wants a walk - then Rob for breakfast and clothes shopping with Jim - which wont take long!

Home from Spain

….. and very content - which is a lovely state of mind. Got back yesterday and almost immediately went to Laurie’s 18th Birthday party – which was a really good do and an opportunity to meet many of my dear friends – I was pretty high after my week in Spain –and felt a very strong desire to keep on dancing – much to Jimmy’s relief I managed to contain myself!!

My dancing week was amazing – lots of new firsts and a real sense of doing things for myself by myself.

Will have to take several weeks – if not longer - to really think through everything but feel very, very lucky that I had the opportunity to do it.

It’s Sunday night and I have a very early start tomorrow – am also pretty knackered – but it’s a lovely feeling to be home – still feeling the warmth and challenge of last week – mummmm it’s a great feeling.

I put my photos of the week on an album:

http://picasaweb.google.com/triciajenkinsno1/CanLlapartJune2008

Now it's time for sleep……………….

Dancing in Spain

Well dancing in Spain is as good as I thought it would be - or had hoped it would be. Today is Wednesday so we only dance once today at 4 which gives us time to visit Bagnoles and the market. We usually dance twice a day for 5 - 6 hours.

There are 20 of us. 3 teachers.16 of us and a beautiful baby. It's one of those experiences that are very intense and will require a lot of thinking through in the future. My life in Liverpool seems a long way away at the moment but that's good and I feel remarkably happy!

Today I go dancing....

… and last night I had butterflies in my stomach – that’s good ‘cos it feels really exciting. Not certain where I’m going or who will be there or what we’ll do – apart from dance!!

Feels like there are lots of new things happening in my life at the moment – and that does make me feel a bit nervous but I do feel more excited than anxious - and also lucky.

Jim, Rob and I met Lara’s parents on Thursday – which went really well – I was invited to go and visit them in Spain before long which I intend to do – so now must really concentrate on getting conversational in Spanish!

I did miss Chris very badly, I just felt he would have got on so well with Lara’s Dad – Chris didn’t really speak Spanish and Lara’s Dad has no English – but many a time we had left Chris in a Spanish bar with a newspaper and come back to find he had managed to communicate in some way with most of the people there. Most famously the time when he was asked out to compare scars with the cousin of the butcher who had been mauled by a bull!

But Chris ’s not here and wasn’t with us when we met Lara's parents but we did fine and tonight I will be dancing in Spain!

Blessing counting time

Sunday morning - am feeling very tired at the moment –– not a bad tiredness but a worn thin – ready for a holiday tiredness. Busy week ahead and then off dancing in Spain for a week – am so excited about this.

This is something that only the ‘new Trish’ could have done. I’m sure Chris wouldn’t have minded me going off for a week dancing in Spain – but I wouldn’t have wanted to do that then. Also on reflection I can see that I did actually feel - that the time that I had with Chris was precious - particularly that last year.

Anyway I now feel that all my time is precious – and a strong desire to make the most of everything. Strangely this can be coupled with times when I don’t want to do anything - not my natural state! But all this reinforces - my mantra - I’m just so lucky to be alive.

Shopping, barbies and Spanish

It’s Sunday morning and I will be going for a run shortly but am feeling a bit hung-over as Gilly and Nita came round for a barbeque and I couldn’t get it to light – it’s got all cracked – so we ended up drinking loads of wine waiting for it to get going. Have decided to go and buy a new one today – this one I bought with Rob when I was going through my bereaved shopping phase.

Having a shopping weekend as I bought a new breadmaker yesterday – as I had started making bread when Chris’s breadmaker – and I do so think of it as his – blew up last week in a puff of acrid smoke – fusing all the electrics – seemed ironic – so I went and bought a Tricia breadmaker and made delicious rolls for the barbie in it!

Working on my Spanish as we’re going to meet Lara’s parents in a couple of weeks. Margaret has given me the Michel Thomas CDs and I really like his approach. Google Translate is also really useful.

Am so looking forward to dancing in Spain - I found this on the internet which is a description of 5 Rhythm Dancing - and I can understand it!

La energía se mueve en olas. Las olas se mueven con patrones. Los patrones se mueven con ritmo. El ser humano es sólo eso: energía, olas, patrones, ritmos. Nada más, nada menos.

So a good weekend after a knackering week. Things to do and things to look forward to.

Bank Holiday Monday

On the spur of the moment - decided last night to go to Old Trafford for the 4th day of the England/New Zealand test - now there's a first! Went with Jim and Rob - and we watched England win - which was a great day out - did think I would put this on facebook - but not yet got the hang of that - so here is a picture of an England cricketer making his 100 - am never going to get the details right on these!

England scored sufficiently early for me to get back for dancing - so that was also a result. Feel better cos at least did something this weekend! Work tomorrow and HrH on Wednesday and then a bid to write by Friday 12 noon. But feel happier so that's good!

Bank Holiday and feeling weary

It’s very early and I have been up several times as the dog started and then the fuse box tripped – and set the alarm off twice - no idea why! Feeling pretty exhausted at the moment anyway – not sure if I’m down or just tired or maybe a bit of both. I should have been walking with my sisters this week but I had to cancel because of the opening of the building – it would be really nice to be walking and talking for a week – so perhaps that’s why I feel a bit low.

Had the boys last night – and I made bread and mini pizzas and we watched the Eurovision Song Contest – I fell asleep on the sofa before all the votes were all finally in!

Started to clean out the backroom yesterday and inevitably found Chris stuff – don’t know if I should do any more of that this weekend. Yes – I have decided I am a bit down at the moment – that’s good now I recognise it – I can start to pull myself out of it. Maybe the Bank Holiday has just given me an extra day and therefore the time to be down though I'm cross with myself for 'wasting it' - it's catch 22 because I feel weary and therefore can't be bothered to do anything.

I think the tiredness is a big issues for me at the moment. So maybe I should do nothing this weekend - but I've never been very good at that!

Jimmy is 18

.. and gorgeous - he is such a lovely lad. We are watching the European Cup - he can't do anything tonight as he has 3 physic exams tomorrow - and I'm so proud of him - as he has taken these exams very seriously - a few weeks ago I really didn't think he was on track but the penny seems to have dropped over the last few days - and at the moment - half way through - he seems to have done OK - I'm holding my breath and just hoping... it's so hard being a parent cos you can't do it for them - not that I could have ever done physics AS! He does seem positive at the moment - which is great.

Stuff at work rumbles on - the opening of the building next week is pretty hysterical - it's an unbelievable mess at the moment - but hopefully it's like spring cleaning and everything falls into place very quickly at the last moment!

Feel much more positive myself this week - a good long conversation with Margaret last night helped - and the dog seems to have calmed down with his early morning barking - but maybe I'm sleeping better and not quite so sensitive to it.

So my baby is 18 - have felt a bit of a Chris absence tonight - but that's right and normal - it's a significant day.

Bloggs and Facebook and an insomniac dog!

Well have now joined Facebook and have 4 friends! Have been thinking about the differences between blogging and face-booking - not sure yet - but will work it out - the big thing must be the reciprocity - I feel the blogg is very one way - well from my point of view - anyway - I think I will probably be more 'honest' on the blogg and I look foreward to seeing what other people are up to.

Tried to switch off over the weekend - as was very pressurised last week - and in danger of losing the plot at times. Have realised one big problem - I'm not sleeping - well I'm waking when it gets light - and today have worked out why - Kipper is waking at dawn and barking and barking! Sounds stupid that I hadn't realised but 4.15 is no-ones best time. I've been aware I'm awake ridiculously early - and then not going back to sleep -but I hadn't linked it to the dog barking. Though I should - as it's a bit obvious! The clocks went foreword and then I was in France etc and I just thought I wasn't sleeping and not being get back to sleep - that probably isn't just the dog - that's the stress of the last couple of weeks.

Anyway - Jim and I have discussed it and we are going to try various options - one a night - very scientific - tonight we will leave the radio on - to see if that helps. It's just after 9 and I've been awake for 17 hours and it really is too early to go to bed - though I'm very tempted.

Ups and downs and changes

Having particularly upsetting time at work at the moment – lots of stuff which I’m taking personally – and ending up struggling to see the woods for the trees – hopefully will be the other side of things in a couple of weeks.

Anyway today I have made a couple of decisions – I'm applying for a course in July – which if I get on it will be good – feeling very strongly that I need to move onto other things. Today when I felt really low I had a call from my colleague/friend from Glasgow which was really good – but reinforced this feeling that I do need to move on.

The other thing I have decided today is to join Facebook – I will keep my blogg – as this is me – reflecting on where I’m up to and in many ways replacing ‘Chris conversations’ – the Facebook is not that at all - but me day to day - though am not really sure yet - so far I have one friend – but welcome any blogg readers to become my second one!

Jimmy did 2 of his maths exams today and was positive tonight - which is really good. I'm so holding my breath on this one.......

Lovely weekend

Peri’s choir was in London so had the boys from Friday evening – made pizza’s for the first time since Chris died – as I’ve started making bread again – occasionally – the pizzas were really good - we then played cards – and Alex appeared later on, Jimmy was out at another 18th Birthday party.

Walked with my sisters and the boys on Saturday , whilst Alex did Maths and Physics with Jimmy. Later booked flights for Fiona, Rob, Becki and I to meet on Mali Losinj for a week, hopefully overlapping with Franja and her son and then Renata. Croatian islands and Pizza - a Chris weekend but without Chris - I talked to Jenny on Saturday and then Ruth and Peri on Sunday about how other people fill the gaps in your life. And yesterday we went to Gilly’s 50th Birthday dinner, which was really lovely, I made a speech. Back to work now…

France

Was good - lots of old villages, churches, aqueducts, history and medieval/roman ruins etc interspersed by markets, wild horses and mountains. I did less walking than I would have liked and Gilly did more than she would have like - but as good friends we compromised.

Thought a lot about Chris, for several reasons, we had travelled that area together and with the boys, he would have liked the format of the holiday and I just missed his knowledge and company.

Back home to find Rob – just happening to be here – which was lovely – it’s nice to come back and talk about where you’ve been. Jim has been fine but is getting a bit freaked about his exams which start in a week’s time, Alex on the phone – connecting with my three lovely boys.

Work tomorrow – can’t say I feel ready or up for it – probably because I’ve switched off – which is good. Walk with my sisters on Saturday and then Gilly’s birthday dinner on Sunday.

Feel tired but not sleepy but happy to be home.

The weekend was not long enough

Feeling very tired at the moment - and yes I have had a good weekend - never did the walk with Gilly - a combination of rain and stuff - but the rest happened - a lovely birthday tea yesterday - half way between Jamal's and Aziz's birthday - on request tomato soup and home made bread rolls - Chris would have been proud of them - not baking as regularly as he did - but have started to make bread occasionally - and should do it more often as home made bread is pretty special!

Went for lunch with Mum, Dad, Jim and Becki today - Rob was working and the boys went home as it is the fifth anniversary of Heff's death today - made me remember sitting on Peri's sofa that awful morning telling the boys that their Dad had died - they were only 5 and 8 at the time - a good contrast with last night when Rob and I played very competitive cards with the boys - a lovely normal family evening.

Lunch today was also lovely - Becki was gorgeous and Mum and Dad were both in good form - Dad's hearing aids seem to be working better and he was more involved in the conversation - he is so sharp - my Dad is pretty magic - he doesn't really converse very much these days - and if he does start talking my Mum often just talks over him - but when he talks it is special - he started crying today when he talked about friends who died at Dunkirk. he is now 90 and my Mum is 88 - though she doesn't look it and still swims 20 plus lengths most days. She has just been eased off the Abbeyfield Committee - they seem to have done it well and it must have been difficult for them - she has been secretary for the last 30+ years and key to their current building etc etc - but she is probably several if not many years older than most of their residents - she is pretty amazing too!

Anyway I feel pretty tired tonight and don't really feel ready for next week which will be a hard one - but the good thing is that I'm off next Friday to Provence with Gilly for a few days as her 50th birthday holiday. Funny can't believe Gilly is 50 - she was about 14 when I first met her! Gilly has given up smoking after 30+ years and has found it as difficult as it is - she has done really well though - but really giving up smoking means changing your life and lifestyle - not easy things to do by any means.

Have just read my emails and really feel for this guy I know - as he had managed to send this very personal email to one person to an email list which I'm on. It was a long and very personally reflective email that he had intended for one person which by mistake he sent to all of us followed by an other email when he had realised what he had done. Thought about my blogg but thought that although I don't know who is reading this (with a few exceptions) I am aware that people are reading it and write with that knowledge.

Still I love my blogg! it gives me space to write/talk about myself and for those of you that are interested enough to read it - thank you!!!!