Back home

..... and today started in Kolkata around 5.30 this morning - taxi past people living on the side of the road - flying to Dubai in a plane of young men - wearing labels and off to work in the gulf - Dubai airport yughh - and back to Liverpool via Manchester.

Rob was waiting for me, the house is full of 'work in progress' and Jimmy seems to have coped well - haven't seen him as my flight was delayed and he had a band to see!

The presentation went well, I met and talked to a lot of people and I now have to think about the next steps.

Feel very happy to be home - I think Fiona had a great time - she needed to do something special - and now I must go to bed.

6 months to the day

Yesterday and today are 6 months exactly from when Chris died. I obviously have had it in my mind and did feel it last night. But and I have to say this all the time as it is true – how lucky am I – to be the guest at a British Council dinner in Kolkata which was so different and so extraordinary - let alone being in a different time zone.

There were also a few people there last night that I know and they all knew about Chris – and those firsts were always going to be hard – but good.

India is amazing another action packed day yesterday – and really good conversations last night – I am so glad we had the couple of days before the conference – as it is such new territory.

Today I do my presentation.

For Moria!

Kolkata day 3?

Or is day 23 – not quite sure. I am thoroughly enjoying culture shock and although Fiona is having a great time I think she is finding it quite hard.


Yesterday we did temples, monkeys, handicraft emporium and an evening out on our own – we got lost and ended up walking through dark streets, with people sleeping, life on the street and dogs. In retrospect we should have got a crazy yellow taxi but we didn’t and ended up stumbling into a restaurant that a friend of Mike had recommended and after waiting a while to get in – we had the best curry we have ever had in our lives.

Today we had an amazing time with two young men Khan and Anwar – we went to the Victorian Pavilion and then across the river and then on an auto rickshaw to the botanical gardens where we saw a Banyan tree which is over 250 years old.

What more can I say – India is amazing…………………………. See below






And then on the way back there was a herd of goats on the main dual carriageway!

Kolkata

Well – this morning I woke up in Kolkata!

It’s 8 o’clock here which means by body thinks it’s 2.30 in the morning and it feels like it!

We have both got up early as we want to go a temple and yesterday we were out mid day and the song Mad dogs and English men came to mind.

Yesterday was probably the craziest day I have ever had – and I feel I could easily fall in love with India. What this means I’m not sure……………..

We are going with a taxi driver to a temple today but what else who knows!

Feeling a bit nervous

Tomorrow I go to India and the work starts on the bathroom. Feeling very nervous, so am having a glass of wine and trying to calm down.

Apart from having a window fitted and taking the transnational bid to the next stage, picking up a new mirror as the one I ordered wont be available until June, getting a delivery of the wrong tiles and trying to stay calm – been a quiet sort of day!

Feel I haven’t done enough research into India and am quite nervous about my presentation, so many unknowns.

So big breath and sip of wine and think on - how lucky am I to be going to India and the tiles aren’t the ones I ordered but they are very nice!

A busy Saturday

In the middle of getting myself prepared to go to India, I got a phone call last week from Bernard the builder to say he’s ready to start on my new bathroom – so as well as sorting out things for me going and me not being here – I have also been sorting out the fitting of a new window for Wednesday and then today running around buying tiles and bathroom accessories! There seems to be a lot of things to sort!

I feel bad that Jim’s going to have to be here on his own but Rob will be around – and Alex for a couple of days – Rob and I went out last night and then over to my Mum and Dad’s today and talked - he is great and will be here for Jimmy. So another first - going to India and leaving Jim in a house undergoing building work.

Jim seems OK about it and told me not to postpone it – he is really looking forward to the Power Shower at the end of it all! I suppose that this is all part of Jimmy growing up – and looking back at my last blogg – in someways perhaps it’s a good thing – it does add to my nervousness of going away though.

Alan L and Neil are both now out of hospital which is good – and I have thought about Moira and Nita a lot. It sound selfish but one of the thoughts I have had - has been - how glad I am that Chris didn’t have any time in hospital – he would have hated it so much.

Lovely emails and phone calls from friends this week – and although I do seem to be finding things quite hard at the moment – I do feel loved and supported.

Went for lunch with Richard on Thursday – who lost his wife with cancer and then brought up the children on his own – he said something which I found really helpful – he talked about how young people see time – a whole day is a long time and next month, next year is too far away to contemplate. I see that in Jim - he is very of the moment – if he’s down or upset it’s now – and later on in the day I can still be worrying about him etc and he has moved on and is feeling OK - now. I found it very comforting as it has made me understand that Jim and I are living in different time zones!

Saturday night and I’m on my own – Jim’s out with his mates – and after nearly 6 months – I am getting more used to this. The other thing about India I realised today is that it will be 6 months from when Chris died whilst I’m away and in someways this is adding to my nervousness.

Now to be positive – for me to be going away to India 6 months after Chris died is amazing – I haven’t written my presentation yet and that’s adding to my worries – but that’s work and I increasingly feel – I can do that. Yes – work wise I do feel OK – the bit that worries me – is my boys.

Rob talked last night about how lucky we are to live when we do – and he is right – and I am thrilled to hear him talk this way – he also talked about the reality of depression – and also how much he missed his Dad. Good conversations.

I am so lucky and know I'm so lucky - which is good.

Feeling a bit lost

Struggling a bit today as I don’t know how to support Jim. Now the decision has been made for him not to do his exams – he doesn’t know what to do. Going to school is becoming increasingly meaningless as the classes are already focusing on revision and it has already been suggested by one of his teachers that he doesn’t really need to be there – we have talked but he is so lost – his only answer is he doesn’t know what to do. He is quite reconciled about restarting Year 12 next September but there is a lot of time between now and then – and it sounds like he is just wondering around school feeling redundant.

I have tried to make some suggestions – like coming as an Intern to work with me for a month – or having a work placement somewhere else – and he is just lost and can only say he doesn’t know what he wants to do. I don’t know what to say or do – and I think we are both feeling a bit lost.

He is so lovely and he always was very indecisive – I like to have a plan and get on with things and Jimmy doesn’t think like that.

In many ways is harder being Jim’s Mum than is it being me – I can say to myself get a focus – and I am doing that – but how I best support Jim is just really really hard at the moment. I feel that he just wants life to be like it used to be – to be a boy and for decisions to be made for him.

Anyway – I suppose can only do my best – that’s what a parent is all about. Jim is very special and I suppose that he has to learn about making decisions for himself. Do feel that I’m doing it on my own and I suppose that’s what all of us in my situation and similar have to do. So big breath, have tea with Jim and don’t push him to make a decision – and he will have to do it himself – but it’s hard because he is hurting. So are we all.

Today I have also agreed to have the new bathroom fitted whilst I’m in India – which is also going to be hard on Jim – but Bernard the builder is great – a recommendation from Stella and Ruth – I said to him today – that he specialises in work for widows!

There is no magic wand I can shake at Jim -I will do my best to be there for him but he is having to grow up earlier than he would have. I appreciate my blogg as writing this has helped me think.

Sunday

So a busy week – work is becoming more normal in the post Chris world – it is different and I’m happy about that – I am also busy which is good – being quite fussy about what I go to/get involved with – which is also good.

Went to Brussels with Margaret this week – and had very interesting conversations with people at the Commission about a bid I’m involved in – I now know all about a specific streams of research funding and WBCs (West Balkan Countries) – which really was a first! The word 'Anorack' comes to mind!

Found Speke and Amsterdam Airports really hard – Chris and I started/finished so many holidays there – also Chris had his ‘surprise’ 50th birthday in Amsterdam - really glad Margaret was there as I did have a couple of wobbles – although I get less of these on a daily basis they still knock me when I get them. But felt another set of firsts under my belt.

Jim has had his exam results and the school are not putting him in for his ASs this year. We have talked and I think he is relieved – he has been trying to work but he has just found it too hard to focus and catch up – I also think he was relieved to think that he’s not going to be leaving for university in 18 months time – I think this has been worrying him – for himself but also for me.

This weekend he does seem a lot lighter now that the decision has been made – he is going to stay at school and attend all the classes and then next year restart Physics and Maths and at that point decide what else he does.

I am happy about this – it just takes the pressure off (both of us). He can have a year out of exams – yet still have the structure of going to school – giving him time to just relax, grow up, have a social life and work out how he lives his life post Dad. Rob reminded me that Chris also resit a year after his Dad died which I had forgotten.

Yesterday Alex was home on his way to walking in Grenoble, the boys came for the night and Gilly and I watched some telly and drank some wine. Today went running – Debs at work is getting everyone to do the 5k Run For Life – which I am happy to do – I have also decided that I wont do the 10k.

After the boys went I have been trying to sort out the garden - Rob has done lots of chopping and power jetting – and I had a go this afternoon – still looks like work in progress at the moment.

The garden has always been a special place for us – 28 years of kids playing there – barbeques with friends – just sitting out and enjoying the sunshine – and now Chris dying there.

I am not a gardener – I have always just tried to make it a place to be happy in – and over the years we have been very happy out there. It’s only small – more of a yard than a garden – but we have use it well and it has been a very happy place.

So am now quite knackered what with running and gardening so after this blogg – I will have a long bath with lots of bubbles and then Jim and I will have tea. Looking back over the five months – meals and Sundays have been pretty hard and sometimes very painful. But today I am writing my blogg after a busy day – Jim is watching the rugby after having been out at a party last night and is pretty chilled. I will cook tea – fish and we will be good. That’s a result!

Yesterday Alex was home and I had all three of my lovely boys for breakfast – and we did the quiz – we got 11/15 – from my recollection this is the best score we have ever got – the Jenkins are doing well! I didn’t know that a Amsterdam Sloth was a Koala – but I guessed it – inspiration!

And the week after next I am going to India – wow!

Feeling proud of Jims

So it’s Friday night – and I have just come back from Marantos – big gang of us – post Jim Porter’s play – now that’s a first! Really enjoyed talking to Jim ( the exec) tonight about being in a play – a leading role. Everyone felt very proud of him – now that he’s not working to perform in a play – takes a lot of courage – also to see the knock on effect on his family and the drinkers on Lark Lane – who went on mass tonight – really good stuff!

I saw the play earlier in the week – and went Dancing tonight again – just love it – so all in all a good Friday night.

Concerns about Neil in hospital and also heard that Alan L. is also in hospital tonight – don’t know the details but will ring Moira tomorrow.

My Jim is staying at a friends tonight – so there is just me in the house – feeling OK about this – though it still feels very weird.

Jimmy sat his mock ASs this week – better than 0% in December but don’t think by much. What I have learnt from last weekend is – that we must be more positive about Jim’s achievements – yes ok he is struggling with his studies but I feel so proud of him – he has got up – gone to school – tried to revise – gone in on time for exams that he knows he is going to fail – and he has done it – so I am determined that we don’t dwell on the results of his exams and recognise how well he has done to actually get into school etc – and still be the lovely 16 year old that is supporting his Mum and just growing into a gorgeous 17 year old.

So tonight I feel proud of both Jims!

Post counselling weekend

Well – a bit of a roller-coaster – but several good things have come from it.

Jim and I have talked and decided that we do not want counselling – I feel good that I went along that route - so now Jim and I both know he had a choice and making that decision made on knowledge is good. I also am reassured that when asked by the counsellors he does not have flash backs or bad dreams

We also talked about school - he is not revising well – he has mock ASs next week – and it is now out in the open that although he has put the time in – he is spending a lot of this just staring at blank pieces of paper and feeling lost. To have talked about that is good – we also discussed the options – if he doesn’t do well this year he can just resit the year – and Jim also told me that he is worried about me when he does leave to go to University – so good talking.

I feel OK tonight and am reassured that when you need someone to talk to they are there – so meeting Anne in Tescos was also really good – how many times have I been to Tescos and how many times I have I met Anne – can’t recall ever having done so – but yesterday I did!

Also Fiona came round today and we talked which was also good. I told her about where I am in my head – and I haven’t done that for a long time. She also talked about some of her reality.

IPWD – when I have my best thinking – I thought through my current thinking about bereavement – and this is what the counsellors didn’t seem to understand is – that Jim and I (and Alex and Rob) are living through our loss with the extra-ordinary knowledge that Chris gave us.

Chris has gone – increasingly my day to day life is lived with this knowledge – so when I feel down I have asked myself ‘What does this mean?’ I am very clear about what it does not mean - it does not mean me feeling sorry for myself – I have no right to be sorry for myself as I am such a lucky and privileged person. It does mean that I can ‘protect’ myself by making certain choices about how I live my life and operate at work etc – but the bottom line is I have no right to feel sorry for myself.

Anne said I am hard on myself – and I probably am – but I lived for over 30 years with a man who was hard on himself – though not on me – and I feel very strongly that I now have to do what I have to do.

So Monday tomorrow – busy week – Doug and Susan next weekend – I’m looking forward to that – and how lucky am I – a house full of boys this weekend with Aziz and Jamal – had a lovely walk in Calderstones park – bird spotting – Aziz and I spotted quite a few and then when we arrived back home – a sparrow hawk circling my house! Chris told me he saw one once from the back garden.

Counselling

Jim and I went to the counsellors this afternoon – don’t know what I expected and don’t really know what happened. Well we talked to two very nice women for an hour – though I talked and Jim said very little and we both had a weep. They are going to send us some form of proposal re possible future support.

My only problem was that they gave me the impression – or at least I ‘heard’ that there seems to be a grieving process that needs to be gone through – I think I know that - but the message I got was that there are no short-cuts – you have to go through the whole thing.

Whereas I feel we are doing really well – all be it two steps forward and one back – as can be seen in this blogg – we are taking great steps forward – and I want to go forward – to live my new life – my post Chris life - and I really feel that I want to get on with that now - I have always been an impatient person!

I want to get on with my life – I felt from today that they thought I should be grieving more – I get this at work too – I have met a couple of people over the last 2/3 weeks who seem to want to see me cry – to be visibly showing my bereavement!

I feel Chris’s death - all the time – all day - every day – but I want to be Tricia – I don’t want – and don’t think Chris would want me to be – a miserable backward looking person. When I tried to explain that today – and talked about how Chris had lived his life – they talked about him grieving for the loss of his legs – perhaps if you are a bereavement counsellor you put everything in those terms.

My reading of it is - and I lived with Chris for over 30 years - is that he didn’t live his life grieving the loss of his legs – he just got on with his life – my most powerful memory of Chris - and one which I cherished through our life together and loved after his death – is the fact that he never lived his life with ‘I wish’ … he never said once ‘I wish I could … play football with the boys… swim, climb that mountain… walk to the pub.... he just got on with his life. And he had a much fuller life that most able bodied people.

Anyway after this - Jim and I had a very good tea of halibut – I have not cooked fish much as that was Chris’s speciality. We talked a bit and we laughed about how much better we are coping with the day to day – the early days were so hard and full of bereavement cooking disasters!

So we are now 5 months on - and yes that is early days – but we are doing good – we are both finding our way through this – but I don’t want to counselling to take us back – but perhaps that's what they are supposed to do – anyway I will do my best to let Jim make choices about if he takes it further.

Having read this – I think I’m being a bit defensive about counselling – does this mean I/we need it – or perhaps that I/we don’t!

feeling better

Woke up feeling better in myself – about time! - then had good day – with my family. Went to Jenny’s and had a walk - then lunch – walk being a typical Stevenson walk – i.e.. 5 miles around Alsager!

Really enjoyed and appreciated two conversations – one with my nephew Dan – very special young man – and one whom I feel very close to – being there for him when Michael died - and knowing how he feels for me – makes our conversations deep and important.

Then another conversation with my sister Jenny – walking a route that she walked a lot when Michael had just died – to loose a son - as she did when he was only 19 – makes me feel that my loss – though massive is less – Jenny didn’t agree which made me love her more.

But to talk about life and death is so important – we also discussed about how people we love don’t face the reality of living – i.e. life is lived with knowledge of death – Chris lived his life with the knowledge of death from the age of 13 – he was borderline death for a month and then lived with pain – I just feel so fortunate to have lived so close to his knowledge.

I have so much time for the Reads – their world was so totally devastated by Michael’s death and yet they are so lovely and so there – when we need them – thank you Reads – the Jenkins know this!

Friday night

And I should have gone out tonight but the cold has caught up with me – so Kip and I are home together listening to Question Time on Radio 4 - feel I would have preferred to be out!

Am having trouble differentiating between being down with my cold or just being down – so I expect it’s a mixture of both things. I also think that my ‘downs’ will be greater at the moment - I’m usually a very positive person and just wish I could find my positiveness - I also think I need to count my blessings and appreciate what I have got – that usually works.

So being positive - it’s Friday night – I’m going walking with my sisters tomorrow with Rob and lunch at Jenny’s – not certain about Sunday – but there’s lots of things I could do. It’s not really working so I think I will put on my electric blanket and just have another early night and see if I can shake my cold off!

Miserable blogg

Well I feel truly miserable and sorry for myself tonight – but I know it’s because it’s my turn to have the sore throat, yucky virus that Jim and half of work had/have.

It’s also another first – the first time I’ve been feeling poorly without a Chris to have a moan at!

What really made me upset was this morning when I went into work and I met someone in the lift – I was feeling pretty shitty and they said – ‘Oh I can hear you‘ve got a bad throat’. It was true my voice was croaky but what made me upset was – that they were the first person I had talked to – big tears now – really milking this one blogg! - but with Jim was on half term and still in bed - I hadn’t met Mike IPWD - it just made me so aware that I had no Chris to have a morning conversation with.

So am feeling sorry for myself – but that’s very natural when you feel bad – but feel better for writing my blogg – this is the substitute for going on at Chris – who probably wouldn’t have appreciated me feeling rough – he always said I was a horrible invalid – ‘cos I fought being one! So an early night and I am sure like Jim I’ll be on much better form in a day or two.

Feel better already for having told someone – my blogg!

Sad songs that made me happy

A week has gone by since last blogg – shows how busy I’m getting - Jimmy was ill – he had a sore throat and temperature – still got a cough but he’s a lot better now and out playing cricket with his mates and Rob. Jimmy loves cricket.

Had the boys for the weekend – we cooked yesterday and Jamal made green sponge cakes with white chocolate and marshmallows on top – tasted delicious, if you didn’t look too closely and Aziz made chocolate brownies which were really good though he decided he didn’t like nuts in cakes after he had put nuts in! Gilly came round for tea last night and we had soup and cakes, we then drank wine and put the world to rights whilst the boys watched Pirates of the Caribbean.

IPWD running this morning - Peri gave me a pedometer for Christmas and I like being able to clock how far I’ve run – which I do in kilometres as you get more for your effort than miles!

My MP3 player is set on random and the music is always a surprise – today I had several sad songs including Madeleine Peyroux – ‘You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go’ – Jimmy gave me her CD for my birthday and I struggled with this song then – as it was one of Chris’s favourites – but as I ran it came on my MP3 player and it was OK – and the park was beautiful, with snowdrops and lots of birds so I was happy – which was good.

Then Rob took the boys to the museum and I went to the Walker – and now I’m doing my blogg and then going to cook some tea.

So a full weekend – some elements similar to before but sufficient differences - and it’s good to feel happy – I suppose that's what we all want to do .

Thinking about Chris

I don’t say it in the blogg – and I suppose it’s pretty obvious – but I think about Chris a lot.

I don’t think - I wish you were here – but I do think – You would have enjoyed this – You would have found this funny.

This morning Renata and I went IPWD and we went to the Beech tree and we talked. I like the Beech tree - it’s good to have a focus point to go to.

This is Renata and Kipper at the bench where Chris used to sit when he was IPWD and from where he would text me when I was in Varazdin or wherever - and again it's good to have a point of connection.



We then walked around the park which was beautiful and cold and talked about all sorts of things, returning to cook the Mexican lunch – which Chris would have hated – he just never liked Mexican food!

Then we played Newmarket which Renata won and the boys enjoyed – Jamal walking straight into Jim’s cons!



After everyone left - Jim and I have had a long evening - we don't usually do lunch!

I have been thinking about Chris and particularly the pain that he lived with. I decided I was glad that he no longer lives with that pain – and my conversations with Renata reinforced my belief that Chris went at the right time for him.

Which is why I don’t wish he was here. I do miss him all the time - but I also know I'm so lucky - and although I don't know what my future holds - I treasure and appreciate my life so far.

The weekend flies by.....

A busy week after a busy weekend – and another busy weekend - lots of exciting things happening at work which is good and Renata arriving on Thursday was lovely. She did get her EU Tempest study tour bid – only one of three who did – so will be coming back for three weeks in June.

I was in London yesterday but the Team kept her fully occupied for the day – my train was late – cables down beyond Crewe - so I had a frustrating journey via Chester and every stop between there and Liverpool – but finally got home and met her in the Everyman with Paul and his friend John the monk.

Renata said she would like to see Wales so we did some shopping and then went and climbed Moel Famau – it was the most amazing beautiful day – the sky was deep deep blue and we really enjoyed our walk – as did Kipper! It was very foggy in Liverpool all day and from the top of Moel Famau we could see the fog and on the top of it - a series of horrible streaky brown layers!

Off to Lark Lane tonight and Rob, Aziz and Jamal are coming round for lunch tomorrow – making guacamole as 12 avocado pears for a £1 – are taking a lot of eating up!

A good weekend

Certainly a busy one…dancing on Friday and then in the pub with Rob, Alex home on Saturday - out again on Saturday night – a lovely meal at Sakara's – I really like their food – sandwiched between cocktails and a nightcap at Gilly’s!

A run on Sunday – hard after two late nights but all the better for that – flopped out Sunday afternoon and watched Jimmy’s birthday present the DVD – Ray – which was a film I had wanted to see since Bob recommended it to me. I also read my two Birthday books – Panoramas of the NW from Ann which was lovely – views of so many places I know and a book on British wildlife from Alex – very appropriate for the RSPB bird watch weekend - followed by a game of Bridge with the boys and Sunday tea. A happy weekend – which was good.

I also talked through the counselling for Jim and think I probably am being a bit hard on myself – I felt very bad on Friday that I hadn’t pushed for it before – but maybe we had enough to do before now – and that the time is right now. It is difficult to know what is the right thing to do – but that’s what being a parent is all about!

Anyway a new working week - Renata’s here on Thursday and I’m looking forward to that!

Friday night

This one was like no other Friday.

The day at work was problematic – problems we could solve – but hard in terms of people.

A call from the Learning Mentor at the school who has put Jim forward for counselling from Barnado’s – on reflection - and this has been hard – the acceptance that Jim has grief – but also trauma – finding his Dad in the garden that day was a seriously traumatic thing to have done – and one which he does need to talk through - I feel bad that I didn’t differentiate between his grief of loss and trauma – anyway I am waiting for a call next week from someone who will hopefully enable Jim to have space to talk the two things through.

Four months on a lot of this blogg is about how I am coping and I do feel bad that I haven’t been able to think it through enough from Jim’s point of view. Having typed that I am aware that superficially Jim is doing OK – as am I. It’s a hard business trying to do everything!

Anyway I went dancing tonight – weird and wonderful dancing that involved me crying and dancing – still not certain what kind of dancing it was – but I really enjoyed it – thanks Jan .

After dancing I went to the pub with Rob and a couple of his friends and had a great impassioned discussions about women in history - borderline meaning of life stuff – which was really good.

Makes me think that Friday nights used to be quite mundane!