Well – a bit of a roller-coaster – but several good things have come from it.
Jim and I have talked and decided that we do not want counselling – I feel good that I went along that route - so now Jim and I both know he had a choice and making that decision made on knowledge is good. I also am reassured that when asked by the counsellors he does not have flash backs or bad dreams
We also talked about school - he is not revising well – he has mock ASs next week – and it is now out in the open that although he has put the time in – he is spending a lot of this just staring at blank pieces of paper and feeling lost. To have talked about that is good – we also discussed the options – if he doesn’t do well this year he can just resit the year – and Jim also told me that he is worried about me when he does leave to go to University – so good talking.
I feel OK tonight and am reassured that when you need someone to talk to they are there – so meeting Anne in Tescos was also really good – how many times have I been to Tescos and how many times I have I met Anne – can’t recall ever having done so – but yesterday I did!
Also Fiona came round today and we talked which was also good. I told her about where I am in my head – and I haven’t done that for a long time. She also talked about some of her reality.
IPWD – when I have my best thinking – I thought through my current thinking about bereavement – and this is what the counsellors didn’t seem to understand is – that Jim and I (and Alex and Rob) are living through our loss with the extra-ordinary knowledge that Chris gave us.
Chris has gone – increasingly my day to day life is lived with this knowledge – so when I feel down I have asked myself ‘What does this mean?’ I am very clear about what it does not mean - it does not mean me feeling sorry for myself – I have no right to be sorry for myself as I am such a lucky and privileged person. It does mean that I can ‘protect’ myself by making certain choices about how I live my life and operate at work etc – but the bottom line is I have no right to feel sorry for myself.
Anne said I am hard on myself – and I probably am – but I lived for over 30 years with a man who was hard on himself – though not on me – and I feel very strongly that I now have to do what I have to do.
So Monday tomorrow – busy week – Doug and Susan next weekend – I’m looking forward to that – and how lucky am I – a house full of boys this weekend with Aziz and Jamal – had a lovely walk in Calderstones park – bird spotting – Aziz and I spotted quite a few and then when we arrived back home – a sparrow hawk circling my house! Chris told me he saw one once from the back garden.
