Jim and I went to the counsellors this afternoon – don’t know what I expected and don’t really know what happened. Well we talked to two very nice women for an hour – though I talked and Jim said very little and we both had a weep. They are going to send us some form of proposal re possible future support.
My only problem was that they gave me the impression – or at least I ‘heard’ that there seems to be a grieving process that needs to be gone through – I think I know that - but the message I got was that there are no short-cuts – you have to go through the whole thing.
Whereas I feel we are doing really well – all be it two steps forward and one back – as can be seen in this blogg – we are taking great steps forward – and I want to go forward – to live my new life – my post Chris life - and I really feel that I want to get on with that now - I have always been an impatient person!
I want to get on with my life – I felt from today that they thought I should be grieving more – I get this at work too – I have met a couple of people over the last 2/3 weeks who seem to want to see me cry – to be visibly showing my bereavement!
I feel Chris’s death - all the time – all day - every day – but I want to be Tricia – I don’t want – and don’t think Chris would want me to be – a miserable backward looking person. When I tried to explain that today – and talked about how Chris had lived his life – they talked about him grieving for the loss of his legs – perhaps if you are a bereavement counsellor you put everything in those terms.
My reading of it is - and I lived with Chris for over 30 years - is that he didn’t live his life grieving the loss of his legs – he just got on with his life – my most powerful memory of Chris - and one which I cherished through our life together and loved after his death – is the fact that he never lived his life with ‘I wish’ … he never said once ‘I wish I could … play football with the boys… swim, climb that mountain… walk to the pub.... he just got on with his life. And he had a much fuller life that most able bodied people.
Anyway after this - Jim and I had a very good tea of halibut – I have not cooked fish much as that was Chris’s speciality. We talked a bit and we laughed about how much better we are coping with the day to day – the early days were so hard and full of bereavement cooking disasters!
So we are now 5 months on - and yes that is early days – but we are doing good – we are both finding our way through this – but I don’t want to counselling to take us back – but perhaps that's what they are supposed to do – anyway I will do my best to let Jim make choices about if he takes it further.
Having read this – I think I’m being a bit defensive about counselling – does this mean I/we need it – or perhaps that I/we don’t!
