And there are lots of them! Feeling quite confident but also quite worried at all the uncertainty and change going on. House progressing slowly - stopped last week but hopefully to continue next week. Lots and lots of changes at work - well more uncertainties than actual changes.
Am going to Lara's parents next week for a few days and I'm so looking forward to it - I will have to focus so hard on speaking Spanish that I just wont have time think about work or the house - so that's good.
Boys taking incontinent dog camping - not certain if they realise how slowly he walks these days - went over to the sorting office to pick up a parcel yesterday and he really struggled walking back - made me realise that I will never go running with him again. Lovely old Kipper, he is special.
My parents are due back today after nearly three weeks on a cruise in the Artic Circle - Mum will be 89 the following weekend - I have been thinking about them a lot - I do hope they both had a wonderful time _ I know my Dad was very anxious about it - but holidays at 91 are a rare treat! Back to my mantra how lucky am I to still have them in my life.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Changes
Got strong under-current of change going on my life at the moment. This is exacerbated by the upheaval going on in the house. Lots of decorating and consequential mess. But one room completely finished - I now have a new spare bedroom - this week I should have a new study upstairs and possibly a new - don't know what room downstairs. This process is making me so aware that this house is really just too big for one person. Jimmy's planning to leave in September and has already paid the deposit on a house with his friends - so it will just be me and the incontinent dog!
But the process has been a good one as through it I have got rid of so many 'things' that were part of my old life - but things that were not there with a purpose - just things - and their presence was a weight - and getting rid of them - does make life lighter for me.
Still find things which throw me - looking for something yesterday I found Chris's wallet - with his driving licence in and a few other things I obviously couldn't face throwing away before - I still wasn't able to this time - and I just shoved it back to the back of the sideboard draw - for it to appear again at a future time in my life. Maybe one day I will get rid of it - but there again maybe not - and the thing is it doesn't really matter if I do or I don't!
Talked to Rob this week about how much he missed his Dad. I feel very selfish as I haven't thought about how much the boys miss having their Dad around. I suppose I haven't wanted to go there as it does make me sad to think of them missing him. I was talking about this to Les last night - after a lovely meal out with the 'girls'. Les gave me a lift home and I showed her the work in progress going on in the house and then we sat and talked for quite a while which was lovely. And I talked about my boys missing their Dad.
The good thing was that they were all really close to him. Chris always had a regret that his father died when they were not that close - Chris was about Jim's age when his father died. My boys were all very close to their Dad - and I suppose that's what they are now missing - that closeness - and they always will. But Chris's love and the fact that he was their Dad - will always live with them - and has made them the wonderful young men that they are today - they are such a huge component of Chris's legacy - three amazing young men.
Feeling a bit weepy after writing this - but that's good too - as 'The soul would have no rainbow - if the eyes had no tears.'
It's a beautiful morning to take the dog to the park and to practise my Spanish by talking to the trees!!
But the process has been a good one as through it I have got rid of so many 'things' that were part of my old life - but things that were not there with a purpose - just things - and their presence was a weight - and getting rid of them - does make life lighter for me.
Still find things which throw me - looking for something yesterday I found Chris's wallet - with his driving licence in and a few other things I obviously couldn't face throwing away before - I still wasn't able to this time - and I just shoved it back to the back of the sideboard draw - for it to appear again at a future time in my life. Maybe one day I will get rid of it - but there again maybe not - and the thing is it doesn't really matter if I do or I don't!
Talked to Rob this week about how much he missed his Dad. I feel very selfish as I haven't thought about how much the boys miss having their Dad around. I suppose I haven't wanted to go there as it does make me sad to think of them missing him. I was talking about this to Les last night - after a lovely meal out with the 'girls'. Les gave me a lift home and I showed her the work in progress going on in the house and then we sat and talked for quite a while which was lovely. And I talked about my boys missing their Dad.
The good thing was that they were all really close to him. Chris always had a regret that his father died when they were not that close - Chris was about Jim's age when his father died. My boys were all very close to their Dad - and I suppose that's what they are now missing - that closeness - and they always will. But Chris's love and the fact that he was their Dad - will always live with them - and has made them the wonderful young men that they are today - they are such a huge component of Chris's legacy - three amazing young men.
Feeling a bit weepy after writing this - but that's good too - as 'The soul would have no rainbow - if the eyes had no tears.'
It's a beautiful morning to take the dog to the park and to practise my Spanish by talking to the trees!!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Thinking about things
It's Saturday/Sunday night and nearly 2 in the morning but I'm wide awake - thinking about things - large mug of chamomile tea to assist in the winding down process - considering I have been awake at 5.30 every morning this week - I should be sleepy - I think I'm extremely tired but not sleepy!
Went to a 50th Birthday party tonight - to someone that - because I met him him - when he was 19 and a student - and I was 25 and a mother etc - I have always thought of as a much younger than me - but tonight he was 50 - that felt weird.
There were lots of people there that I've known for years (decades)- some I talked deeply with - if only briefly - some I don't think I will ever be able to talk anything other than superficially with - and that feels a strange place to be - as I felt like I would have liked to have been able to talk to them.
Still feeling full of last weekend - and probably compounded by lack of sleep - I probably wasn't very diplomatic - but life's short and I really enjoyed seeing and talking to people who wanted to talk - but did feel a bit irritated by some of the others. From their point of view - I was probably too 'in their face' but also have probably always been!
Definitely time to go to sleep!
Went to a 50th Birthday party tonight - to someone that - because I met him him - when he was 19 and a student - and I was 25 and a mother etc - I have always thought of as a much younger than me - but tonight he was 50 - that felt weird.
There were lots of people there that I've known for years (decades)- some I talked deeply with - if only briefly - some I don't think I will ever be able to talk anything other than superficially with - and that feels a strange place to be - as I felt like I would have liked to have been able to talk to them.
Still feeling full of last weekend - and probably compounded by lack of sleep - I probably wasn't very diplomatic - but life's short and I really enjoyed seeing and talking to people who wanted to talk - but did feel a bit irritated by some of the others. From their point of view - I was probably too 'in their face' but also have probably always been!
Definitely time to go to sleep!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Back home but different
It's wonderful to be home and to recognise and cherish all the blessings that I have in my life. Whilst away I reflected not on myself but on 'an other' and it has left me with quite a different sense of things. Last time I was left with a sense of euphoria and joy, this time I can see those things, but I am also feeling strong mood swings.
I suppose I am just more aware of others. I went dancing last night and was very struck by how much my fellow dancers were getting from their dance. It was quite a different way of being at the dance and it is wonderful to be doing the same things that I always do but to see them differently.
Back into work today - feeling that it could be quite hard. Things are so fast moving and so full of pressures at the moment, and as much of this pressure is on others, I think I need to consciously try to keep my own perspective clear and focused.
Big things are also happening to others in my life, Perri has an operation today and Lara has her PhD viva tomorrow. This affects them but also the others close to them - it can be so difficult to be close to someone you love who is in hard place.
I thought a lot over the weekend of Chris's pain and how I had been a witness to his pain - which had been constant and sometimes un-bearable. Chris's strength was based on his lifetime fight with pain, a fight he rarely despaired of, though he lived with pain which would have destroyed most people. He did despair, not often but sometimes when the pain had been particularly ferocious, lasting over several days, constant remorseless pain with no sleep, just his lonely personal battle with pain. On these occasions he did despair, in the dark of the night, when he just had had enough, he would surrender briefly to despair, but the next morning he would get up, put on his cumbersome, heavy and painful legs and just get on with his life - he truly was an amazingly extra-ordinary man.
I can see the experience of the weekend will have affected me deeply but I know it will take time to assimilate it all. But now I'm me - back to being me - at home - with an incontinent dog that needs walking - a beautiful son that needs awakening and a job that needs doing! How lucky am I!
I suppose I am just more aware of others. I went dancing last night and was very struck by how much my fellow dancers were getting from their dance. It was quite a different way of being at the dance and it is wonderful to be doing the same things that I always do but to see them differently.
Back into work today - feeling that it could be quite hard. Things are so fast moving and so full of pressures at the moment, and as much of this pressure is on others, I think I need to consciously try to keep my own perspective clear and focused.
Big things are also happening to others in my life, Perri has an operation today and Lara has her PhD viva tomorrow. This affects them but also the others close to them - it can be so difficult to be close to someone you love who is in hard place.
I thought a lot over the weekend of Chris's pain and how I had been a witness to his pain - which had been constant and sometimes un-bearable. Chris's strength was based on his lifetime fight with pain, a fight he rarely despaired of, though he lived with pain which would have destroyed most people. He did despair, not often but sometimes when the pain had been particularly ferocious, lasting over several days, constant remorseless pain with no sleep, just his lonely personal battle with pain. On these occasions he did despair, in the dark of the night, when he just had had enough, he would surrender briefly to despair, but the next morning he would get up, put on his cumbersome, heavy and painful legs and just get on with his life - he truly was an amazingly extra-ordinary man.
I can see the experience of the weekend will have affected me deeply but I know it will take time to assimilate it all. But now I'm me - back to being me - at home - with an incontinent dog that needs walking - a beautiful son that needs awakening and a job that needs doing! How lucky am I!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Feeling Exhausted but knowing there is more
Stuff at work beginning to feel a bit over-whelming but I'm definitely not on my own with this one!! Running to catch up with myself all the time - with a worryingly feeling of madness - currently underpinning many aspects of my professional life!
Am relishing - though knowing it wont be easy - the fact that I will going on another EI weekend tomorrow.
A strange feeling - and a joyous feeling - 4 days away from everything - except from those things that I think/and know are important - well no pressure there then!
Am relishing - though knowing it wont be easy - the fact that I will going on another EI weekend tomorrow.
A strange feeling - and a joyous feeling - 4 days away from everything - except from those things that I think/and know are important - well no pressure there then!
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Sunday morning and wide awake!
It's 2 am on Sunday morning and I'm wide awake - so I thought I'd have large cup of chamomile tea and do my blogg. I have just come from another wonderful party - my social life is extra-ordinarily good at the moment - a dancers party - in a beautiful house with a great open plan downstairs, wooden floors and doors that led into a huge garden - perfect for dancing!
I love going out with the dancers, it is so easy and so much fun. We don't drink very much, talk a bit - but even though I know them really well, I don't know what they do in terms of jobs - or really anything very much about them - but I know some of their beliefs and I know they care for me, and I know I really enjoy being with them - and of course I know how they dance! So we go to parties and dance and it's wonderfully easy and fun.
I am happy on my own and it's a good feeling. I think I'm in a new phase of my life - I have been a widow for two and a half years and I think I might be moving on from the grieving stage. Not sure yet because like all these things it will become clearer with hindsight. But I do feel a growing lightness and a love of life even though I can see and know that I have lost the love of my life. I think of the young girl Tricia at 18 meeting Chris and the woman Tricia losing him at 53 and it was a lifetime. I suppose what I'm feeling now is the recognition that I have a new life to live and I must treasure every second of it.
So time to try and sleep - though my mind is whirling and my feet are comfortably aching, but how lucky am I.
I love going out with the dancers, it is so easy and so much fun. We don't drink very much, talk a bit - but even though I know them really well, I don't know what they do in terms of jobs - or really anything very much about them - but I know some of their beliefs and I know they care for me, and I know I really enjoy being with them - and of course I know how they dance! So we go to parties and dance and it's wonderfully easy and fun.
I am happy on my own and it's a good feeling. I think I'm in a new phase of my life - I have been a widow for two and a half years and I think I might be moving on from the grieving stage. Not sure yet because like all these things it will become clearer with hindsight. But I do feel a growing lightness and a love of life even though I can see and know that I have lost the love of my life. I think of the young girl Tricia at 18 meeting Chris and the woman Tricia losing him at 53 and it was a lifetime. I suppose what I'm feeling now is the recognition that I have a new life to live and I must treasure every second of it.
So time to try and sleep - though my mind is whirling and my feet are comfortably aching, but how lucky am I.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m reflecting in the stillness of Sunday morning on an extra-ordinary weekend.
Friday night was Paco Peña, singers, Sense of Sound, a children’s choir and a Flamenco dancer – I don’t know what to write to capture the event – they played, sang, danced - A Requiem for the World - and it was magical and moving and its power is still with me. The dancer was extra-ordinary – the way his whole body moved – whirling, stamping, emotive – wonderful - I was transfixed. I went with Aziz and Jamal and the ‘girls’ and Hector had the spare ticket which was very appropriate as it was all in Spanish. So a magic start to the weekend.
Saturday night was the Spirit Horse Masked Ball and a truly magnificent event on many levels. The fun and enjoyment of dressing up, going over the top – we all looked amazing! Going with quite a gang of Liverpool 5 Rhythm dancers - and the pleasure of their easy friendship – and dancing - the opportunity to meet again with some of the EI people and make more sense of my own place in this other larger tribe - a truly wonderful occasion.
An amazing and beautiful night – this blog is just completely full of superlatives! But now the opportunity to reflect as always – how lucky I am - and to take the time to be genuinely thankful for this – which I hope I am. Off now for lunch with my parents and Becki, four generations of us will be nurtured by fish pie!
Friday night was Paco Peña, singers, Sense of Sound, a children’s choir and a Flamenco dancer – I don’t know what to write to capture the event – they played, sang, danced - A Requiem for the World - and it was magical and moving and its power is still with me. The dancer was extra-ordinary – the way his whole body moved – whirling, stamping, emotive – wonderful - I was transfixed. I went with Aziz and Jamal and the ‘girls’ and Hector had the spare ticket which was very appropriate as it was all in Spanish. So a magic start to the weekend.
Saturday night was the Spirit Horse Masked Ball and a truly magnificent event on many levels. The fun and enjoyment of dressing up, going over the top – we all looked amazing! Going with quite a gang of Liverpool 5 Rhythm dancers - and the pleasure of their easy friendship – and dancing - the opportunity to meet again with some of the EI people and make more sense of my own place in this other larger tribe - a truly wonderful occasion.
An amazing and beautiful night – this blog is just completely full of superlatives! But now the opportunity to reflect as always – how lucky I am - and to take the time to be genuinely thankful for this – which I hope I am. Off now for lunch with my parents and Becki, four generations of us will be nurtured by fish pie!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Coming up for air.....
Well that what it feels like this weekend. Have done very little for two days - except some Spanish - which is fun. Kept on going all week - rarely been so busy - day and evening - with visitors - early mornings trying to keep up on things - just remembered I started the week in London!
One morning - in the park with the dog - I felt a really big missing Chris wave - might have been 'cos I was pushing myself - but might have just been because it was! I suddenly remembered the moment I came back from work and found him in the garden with Jim and knew that he was going to die. I was reflecting on how I knew from that second that he was going to die - and I also reflected on how I felt at peace with this - even whilst it was happening. I have always felt at peace with Chris's death but I still miss him daily.
Anyway - new life goes on - dancing party of Friday night - I didn't think I was going to make it - because I was so exhausted but I did - and danced without stopping for 4 glorious hours - I couldn't stop - or I would have fallen asleep - where I stood!
Should be a bit quieter this week - hope so.
One morning - in the park with the dog - I felt a really big missing Chris wave - might have been 'cos I was pushing myself - but might have just been because it was! I suddenly remembered the moment I came back from work and found him in the garden with Jim and knew that he was going to die. I was reflecting on how I knew from that second that he was going to die - and I also reflected on how I felt at peace with this - even whilst it was happening. I have always felt at peace with Chris's death but I still miss him daily.
Anyway - new life goes on - dancing party of Friday night - I didn't think I was going to make it - because I was so exhausted but I did - and danced without stopping for 4 glorious hours - I couldn't stop - or I would have fallen asleep - where I stood!
Should be a bit quieter this week - hope so.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Feeling happy....
Well there's heating now and one room well on the way to be decorated but looking back at last week it really was a bit of a blur - so busy at work - then I was in Germany for a couple of days at an excellent conference - writing my presentation at 6 in the morning on the Friday - and last night arrived at Manchester and going straight to Paul's party - getting home this afternoon - I have just enjoyed myself so much - which is fantastic!
I also feel really full of energy - which is quite extra-ordinary as I have had very little sleep for several days - I was absolutely buzzing at the party last night- but the party had a wonderful atmosphere - and I suppose I just fed into it and from it! Off for a Spanish lesson now - and can see myself improving which is great - though the more I know the more I recognise I don't know - but that's just so true of everything!
I also feel really full of energy - which is quite extra-ordinary as I have had very little sleep for several days - I was absolutely buzzing at the party last night- but the party had a wonderful atmosphere - and I suppose I just fed into it and from it! Off for a Spanish lesson now - and can see myself improving which is great - though the more I know the more I recognise I don't know - but that's just so true of everything!
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Busy, busy, busy
Just mad busy at the moment - don't seem to able to catch my breath - feeling particularly knackered today but that's because I went out with Gilly to a concert at the Arena - her birthday present to me and then we went on - so didn't get to bed 'til really late - but not complaining because it was a lot of fun!
Work starts on the new boiler tomorrow and then the back room will be decorated - and then hopefully work down through the rest of the house. Jimmy has put a deposit on a house for September with his friends and then I'll be on my own, rattling around this great big house! I'm not worried about being on my own - there was a time the thought of it would have terrified me but I am very aware of how big the house is. Talked about it with Gilly last night and Rob this morning and I think it would not be a good time to sell the house and I don't know if a lodger is the right idea - as now I'm on my own it's OK. Anyway I know I'm right to get the house in order and to continue with getting rid of stuff and then I'll make decisions at the right time.
Another busy week coming up and no heating for a couple of days -uggh!
Work starts on the new boiler tomorrow and then the back room will be decorated - and then hopefully work down through the rest of the house. Jimmy has put a deposit on a house for September with his friends and then I'll be on my own, rattling around this great big house! I'm not worried about being on my own - there was a time the thought of it would have terrified me but I am very aware of how big the house is. Talked about it with Gilly last night and Rob this morning and I think it would not be a good time to sell the house and I don't know if a lodger is the right idea - as now I'm on my own it's OK. Anyway I know I'm right to get the house in order and to continue with getting rid of stuff and then I'll make decisions at the right time.
Another busy week coming up and no heating for a couple of days -uggh!
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Lovely weekend - lots of boys
Alex came home Friday night - I had been away with the team for a couple of days - I do work with a great bunch of people - and after my Spanish lesson I went to the pub with Rob then talked with Alex - he had come home to help Jimmy with his maths and physics. Perri was busy Saturday so the boys came round early and Rob, Aziz, Jamal and I sorted out old books, which was a job that needed to be done. Then last night I went out with the 'girls' leaving five boys in front of a coal fire - doing what boys do. Then today I went for a walk with Aziz and Jamal in the park leaving Jimmy wrestling with maths with his big brother!
So a really special weekend - I just love feeding boys and they do eat a lot! My three are now watching the football in the pub and Kipper and I are slobbing in front of the fire - life's good.
So a really special weekend - I just love feeding boys and they do eat a lot! My three are now watching the football in the pub and Kipper and I are slobbing in front of the fire - life's good.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Dancing Saturday
I had known there was a dancing Saturday coming up in Manchester but hadn’t realised it would be possible for me to make it - but I realised sometime during the week - that there was absolutely nothing to stop me – it was my choice - so I went and it was truly, truly wonderful.
It is difficult to explain to non dancers what we do but yesterday I spent 6 hours, 5 ½ hours as we did have a break in the middle, dancing. The theme of the day was the Body. Although we dance in a group and sometimes with a partner, we actually dance for ourselves. The teacher Andrew was amazing, the dancers were a mixture of groups and levels and I danced deeply and profoundly, probably the deepest I’ve ever danced. So a beautiful way to end my birthday week.
It did now however stop there, as I was invited to a birthday party last night, so soon after getting home I went out. It was a lovely party and I really enjoyed it but I struggled to keep my eyes open after midnight – all that dancing! – so I just came home. Time now for some serious Spanish, take the elderly dog for his constitutional and then I must go shopping – we are about four days into absolutely nothing to eat in the house – obviously except yogurt and honey!
It is difficult to explain to non dancers what we do but yesterday I spent 6 hours, 5 ½ hours as we did have a break in the middle, dancing. The theme of the day was the Body. Although we dance in a group and sometimes with a partner, we actually dance for ourselves. The teacher Andrew was amazing, the dancers were a mixture of groups and levels and I danced deeply and profoundly, probably the deepest I’ve ever danced. So a beautiful way to end my birthday week.
It did now however stop there, as I was invited to a birthday party last night, so soon after getting home I went out. It was a lovely party and I really enjoyed it but I struggled to keep my eyes open after midnight – all that dancing! – so I just came home. Time now for some serious Spanish, take the elderly dog for his constitutional and then I must go shopping – we are about four days into absolutely nothing to eat in the house – obviously except yogurt and honey!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Birthday weekend
My third without Chris. My first two years ago - was memorably awful! Looking back I was still very raw and though I thought I was getting there – the reality was pretty superficial - sorry D & M it was a truly dreadful evening!
I was talking about this to Gilly on Friday night, I had moved on enough to appear to be functioning - but I was in the duck on water stage – looking OK on the surface but pedalling away like mad underneath!
Last year I just removed myself from here and was in Croatia with Margaret, a good move - as Varaždin and dinner at Violetta’s, with Dragich and Renata was always going to be special and it was.
So this year, confidently saying I’m fine and genuinely believing it.
Looking back – I had a huge loss, my life partner of 35 years dropped dead - the first stage was just a lost fog – but say from my birthday two years ago - the last couple of years - I have felt two big and almost counter-acting forces. The first has been a growing recognition that I need to fill this monstrously huge gap in my life and a second countering force which involves fear of change. I suppose there has also been a third - very strong component which is that I am Chris’s legacy and there is a lot of responsibility that goes along with that. I think I can only now really start to understand what I have lost as I see how much I am filling the space with!
So it’s Sunday the 18th of January, I’m in bed with glass teapot of tea posy tea, sweetened by honey from Scottish bees, listening to a 45 minute CD of music I have made for the warm-up at Dancing tomorrow night, music which I can say is my choice and reflects my own tastes in music, though under-pinned by Chris’s (and increasingly Jimmy’s) musical preferences.
I will soon eat a home made yoghurt, sweetened this time by Slovenia honey and do some Spanish. Mi Español está mejorando, verdad! My year is starting to take shape, not certain where work will take me, but another EI weekend in March, a week’s dancing in Spain in May and a couple of weeks in Mali Losinj, how lucky am I. Today 14 or so people for a roast dinner here, tomorrow dancing and later in the Everyman. Chris left a big hole in my life and I can see that by how many people are needed to fill it!
Soon be time to take my old and idiosyncratically incontinent dog for a walk, not too far today as he’s a bit stiff after a special walk along the shore with Ioanna and Pete yesterday. Kipper has had a new lease of life with his medication from the Vets, which is lovely.
So - feliz cumpleaños a mi y muchos gracias por la lectura de este.
I was talking about this to Gilly on Friday night, I had moved on enough to appear to be functioning - but I was in the duck on water stage – looking OK on the surface but pedalling away like mad underneath!
Last year I just removed myself from here and was in Croatia with Margaret, a good move - as Varaždin and dinner at Violetta’s, with Dragich and Renata was always going to be special and it was.
So this year, confidently saying I’m fine and genuinely believing it.
Looking back – I had a huge loss, my life partner of 35 years dropped dead - the first stage was just a lost fog – but say from my birthday two years ago - the last couple of years - I have felt two big and almost counter-acting forces. The first has been a growing recognition that I need to fill this monstrously huge gap in my life and a second countering force which involves fear of change. I suppose there has also been a third - very strong component which is that I am Chris’s legacy and there is a lot of responsibility that goes along with that. I think I can only now really start to understand what I have lost as I see how much I am filling the space with!
So it’s Sunday the 18th of January, I’m in bed with glass teapot of tea posy tea, sweetened by honey from Scottish bees, listening to a 45 minute CD of music I have made for the warm-up at Dancing tomorrow night, music which I can say is my choice and reflects my own tastes in music, though under-pinned by Chris’s (and increasingly Jimmy’s) musical preferences.
I will soon eat a home made yoghurt, sweetened this time by Slovenia honey and do some Spanish. Mi Español está mejorando, verdad! My year is starting to take shape, not certain where work will take me, but another EI weekend in March, a week’s dancing in Spain in May and a couple of weeks in Mali Losinj, how lucky am I. Today 14 or so people for a roast dinner here, tomorrow dancing and later in the Everyman. Chris left a big hole in my life and I can see that by how many people are needed to fill it!
Soon be time to take my old and idiosyncratically incontinent dog for a walk, not too far today as he’s a bit stiff after a special walk along the shore with Ioanna and Pete yesterday. Kipper has had a new lease of life with his medication from the Vets, which is lovely.
So - feliz cumpleaños a mi y muchos gracias por la lectura de este.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
A new year ........................
Back at work this week - I have always found the first week back difficult. The dark early mornings come as a shock to the system. Picking up all the bits of work and looking ahead to another very busy year ahead, though an uncertain year, no routine forming in my working life - which is good but a bit scary too. Finding it hard to find my own focus when I look around in the context of the world and see all the mess that we humans have made, but knowing I can only do the best I can. Can see why people find January depressing.
But how lucky am I, having a lovely weekend, Alex and Lara home from Spain, Chilli Banana with the boys, Lara, Gilly and Nita on Friday. Fireworks to mark end of Capital of Culture with Perri, Lara and boys, then big tea and silly games in front of coal fire last night. Now Sunday morning time to take the dog and do my Spanish homework and appreciate my life and the new year underway.
But how lucky am I, having a lovely weekend, Alex and Lara home from Spain, Chilli Banana with the boys, Lara, Gilly and Nita on Friday. Fireworks to mark end of Capital of Culture with Perri, Lara and boys, then big tea and silly games in front of coal fire last night. Now Sunday morning time to take the dog and do my Spanish homework and appreciate my life and the new year underway.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
New Years Day
It's now very late on New Years Day - and we have just had a lovely lovely day after a great New Years Eve Party. Last night - I'm not certain how - my whole house was full of great people - and we danced, talked, drank some wine, ate some food and just had a wonderful time. Mainly dancers - it was a very unpressurised night of uncomplicated enjoyment - now that's rare!
Today Sues, Paul and I tidied up - we all had a big breakfast, then Franja and I went for a walk, visited the Beech Tree, watched 8 episodes of Pride and Prejudice whilst drinking 'teaposy' tea, eating European chocolates in front of a big coal fire, played cards with Jimmy and Jan and again just really enjoyed ourselves. I should be tired as I didn't go to bed until 5.30 but still feel wide awake.
How lucky am I - feel this so strongly - I'm moving on - my life is changing so much - so many new people, so much to be thankful for - WOW!
Today Sues, Paul and I tidied up - we all had a big breakfast, then Franja and I went for a walk, visited the Beech Tree, watched 8 episodes of Pride and Prejudice whilst drinking 'teaposy' tea, eating European chocolates in front of a big coal fire, played cards with Jimmy and Jan and again just really enjoyed ourselves. I should be tired as I didn't go to bed until 5.30 but still feel wide awake.
How lucky am I - feel this so strongly - I'm moving on - my life is changing so much - so many new people, so much to be thankful for - WOW!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
New Years Eve
Woke early - though really wanted to have a lie in - but have lots of thoughts running around my head - primarily about my party. Usual stuff - what if no-one comes - that and what if I feel really tired and want to go to bed - am so full of cold - started a few days ago but am determined not to let it get on top of me.
Think some 5 Rhythm dancers will come and some friends and neighbours - and the Hayhursts - worth having a party for that alone! Franja and Jan seem to be enjoying themselves - yesterday we did the Gormley statues - Jan was not impressed by 100 naked men on a freezing cold wind swept beach - but the home made pizzas with Rob and Jimmy went down well! He has not travelled to the UK before so it's all a bit of a culture shock - Franja and I just talk all the time which is wonderful.
So tonight I will have a party and tomorrow will be a New Year - my third without Chris - a long time but a blink of a time - but that is life - and I must cherish every second of my life - it's so short. Feel very peaceful about the New Year in the sense that I don't feel anxious about the challenges of 2009. I can see some, my parents, my job, some individuals, behind these I can see some context of the world and our problems - many and painful, but feel strong in myself - which is good. Think I will do another EI weekend - hopefully in March - as the last one has changed me, perhaps not changed me - but given me a focus and clarity to my life.
But now I must walk my old dog - this might be his last New Year, wake up my lovely youngest son to continue his revision - he is getting very tired of school - few more months and then hopefully university. Then shopping for the party with Franja and Jan - I think Jan is definitely more excited about going to the big Tescos than the party!
Sending love to my two other beautiful sons, Rob at work, Alex in Spain with Lara's lovely family, and all my family and friends and especially to you my blogg readers- here's to being strong in 2009. xxxx
Think some 5 Rhythm dancers will come and some friends and neighbours - and the Hayhursts - worth having a party for that alone! Franja and Jan seem to be enjoying themselves - yesterday we did the Gormley statues - Jan was not impressed by 100 naked men on a freezing cold wind swept beach - but the home made pizzas with Rob and Jimmy went down well! He has not travelled to the UK before so it's all a bit of a culture shock - Franja and I just talk all the time which is wonderful.
So tonight I will have a party and tomorrow will be a New Year - my third without Chris - a long time but a blink of a time - but that is life - and I must cherish every second of my life - it's so short. Feel very peaceful about the New Year in the sense that I don't feel anxious about the challenges of 2009. I can see some, my parents, my job, some individuals, behind these I can see some context of the world and our problems - many and painful, but feel strong in myself - which is good. Think I will do another EI weekend - hopefully in March - as the last one has changed me, perhaps not changed me - but given me a focus and clarity to my life.
But now I must walk my old dog - this might be his last New Year, wake up my lovely youngest son to continue his revision - he is getting very tired of school - few more months and then hopefully university. Then shopping for the party with Franja and Jan - I think Jan is definitely more excited about going to the big Tescos than the party!
Sending love to my two other beautiful sons, Rob at work, Alex in Spain with Lara's lovely family, and all my family and friends and especially to you my blogg readers- here's to being strong in 2009. xxxx
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Christmas was lovely....
A Christmas of elderly parents, lovely boys, family and an old dog. We arrived home yesterday after quite an intense few days. My Mum is getting increasingly repetitious and starting to show other signs of mental dis-engagement. My Father is mentally very alert with complete recall and knowing what's going on but because he can't hear and is increasingly getting frailer, he worries about Mum terribly. But they are a marvelous couple and my Father's love for my Mother is a testament to their long lives together. My Mother loves my Dad dearly but is more self focused and just assumes he will be there to sort out everything.
And then my beautiful boys - giants against their grandparents, wonderful, laughing, considerate, unselfish - 4 days with your Mother and Grandparents is quite a big ask - I never hesitated - just assumed - makes me feel very proud. Robbie is going to go over weekly to Mum and Dad's - which was welcomed by Dad in particular.
Saw all my sisters and all my nieces and one nephew and generally had a very warm and precious Christmas. Don't know how many more we will have in Grove Park - so I did treasure this one.
Franja and Jan arrived late last night and I can hear them stirring so will blogg more later in week.
And then my beautiful boys - giants against their grandparents, wonderful, laughing, considerate, unselfish - 4 days with your Mother and Grandparents is quite a big ask - I never hesitated - just assumed - makes me feel very proud. Robbie is going to go over weekly to Mum and Dad's - which was welcomed by Dad in particular.
Saw all my sisters and all my nieces and one nephew and generally had a very warm and precious Christmas. Don't know how many more we will have in Grove Park - so I did treasure this one.
Franja and Jan arrived late last night and I can hear them stirring so will blogg more later in week.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Home from Finland
It was really good - I learnt a lot - though it wasn't easy - but I'm glad I went - though Finland in December is a strange place to be - the weather was warm for Finland but pretty cold - the biggest thing was the lack of daylight - it got light so late and dark so early - but because it was so overcast - it was just a heavy greyness. It was lovely to take the dog for a walk today and see the sun and blue sky.
Got home yesterday evening for Rob's birthday - it was a really special evening - as we couldn't be sure we'd be home in time to go out to a restaurant - so Rob cooked - he's a brilliant cook - he had some of his mates and Gilly and Nita - and it was a lovely evening. Quite a long day as Finland is two hours ahead so I was awake from 5.00 am - but a really special evening - my lovely Rob is a wonderful young man.
Feeling full of energy and happy to be home - life's good.
Got home yesterday evening for Rob's birthday - it was a really special evening - as we couldn't be sure we'd be home in time to go out to a restaurant - so Rob cooked - he's a brilliant cook - he had some of his mates and Gilly and Nita - and it was a lovely evening. Quite a long day as Finland is two hours ahead so I was awake from 5.00 am - but a really special evening - my lovely Rob is a wonderful young man.
Feeling full of energy and happy to be home - life's good.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Still living through last weekend
Been a very busy week - and have felt a bit detached/not really connected with everyday things this week. Just came back from London tonight and have worried a bit that my judgements have been a bit overt - saying what I really think rather than possibly moderating them. Just doing what I want do.
Have just gone with my feelings - very aware of last weekend and still just starting thinking things through. It's now quite late Friday night and my mind is still racing. Not unhappy - in fact very happy - but also very tired. Am now building up for Finland - been a bit worried all week about what is expected of me - but I will just have to get on and do it
I'm also only back for a couple of days then going with the boys to my parents then back on the day Franja and Jan arrive and then it's New Year and my party. That's worrying me a bit too - don't know if I've really invited all the people I want to invite. Haven't started doing any Christmas stuff either.
Well big breath - how lucky am I - time for my mantra - it is just so true!
Have just gone with my feelings - very aware of last weekend and still just starting thinking things through. It's now quite late Friday night and my mind is still racing. Not unhappy - in fact very happy - but also very tired. Am now building up for Finland - been a bit worried all week about what is expected of me - but I will just have to get on and do it
I'm also only back for a couple of days then going with the boys to my parents then back on the day Franja and Jan arrive and then it's New Year and my party. That's worrying me a bit too - don't know if I've really invited all the people I want to invite. Haven't started doing any Christmas stuff either.
Well big breath - how lucky am I - time for my mantra - it is just so true!
Monday, December 08, 2008
Back home and feeling very peaceful
Wonderful feeling of peace and purpose. Finished off the whole process by dancing tonight. It was a Peer Group, full of energy and absolutely wonderful.
Will have to take time to think through all that I have experienced over the last few days. It all feels very good and right, it has also consolidated so much of my thoughts and feelings over the last few years.
I obviously thought and talked about Chris and that was also a wonderful thing to do. At one point I can recall talking about Chris moving from the 'dark' to the 'light' as apposed to how death is usually perceived as a movement from the 'light' to the 'dark' and that sums up the whole thing to me. I also talked about actually intuitively understanding this at the time - though this was the kind of insight that the actual process gave me - making sense of lots of things.
So a truly enlightening few days - and that was what it said on the tin!
Will have to take time to think through all that I have experienced over the last few days. It all feels very good and right, it has also consolidated so much of my thoughts and feelings over the last few years.
I obviously thought and talked about Chris and that was also a wonderful thing to do. At one point I can recall talking about Chris moving from the 'dark' to the 'light' as apposed to how death is usually perceived as a movement from the 'light' to the 'dark' and that sums up the whole thing to me. I also talked about actually intuitively understanding this at the time - though this was the kind of insight that the actual process gave me - making sense of lots of things.
So a truly enlightening few days - and that was what it said on the tin!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)