All change...

I had just got used to the idea of one future - playing with ideas and planning - when woooooosh all change!!

Great stuff this - living without fear - you can just do what your heart wants!! Am really excited about my future now as it has become really really unknown. Wow!!!

Am at the end of a beautiful Easter weekend, really peaceful and reflective. Ildi has been here and her presence in my life is very special - we have just talked and talked and talked!!!!! Oh and walked a lot.... eaten lovely food.... slept well and talked and talked!!

Had a lovely houseful last night for a big roast dinner - my favourite thing - 11 of us round the table, the heart of my home, eating, laughing and enjoying ourselves - all the boys clearing and washing up!

Rob had been up to the NE and brought with him the presence of dear friends - who said they read my blogg - which made me so happy.

Glowing in happiness here - in my bed, ipod playing Jimmy's music, cup of wonderful dutch flower tea, sweeten with Indian honey - writing my blogg and thinking with so much love and affection for the wonderful people in my life - some of whom I know read my blogg - so accept my love as it's directed at you!!!

Wow - just feeling so good about my life... isn't life amazing!!!

losing fear....

... fear is something I've been thinking about a lot recently and how it is such a huge negative emotion that stops so much from happening.

I'm in my bed on a glorious sunny Saturday morning - the sun streaming through my wide open window - OK I do have the coldest bedroom - it's official! Having breakfast in bed with all my favourite things, freshly juiced fruit with home made yogurt - my own Indian Lassy! Some beautiful bread that Rob had bought for me - not certain about the pickled eggs though Rob! and an avocado pear - the joy of being on your own that you can eat what you like, when you like and how you like!!!

Listening to my ipod music - which has just started to play Percy Sledge's 'When a man love a woman' - wow always one of my all time favourites - unconditional love - wow - love it!!

Enjoying my own company and thinking about fear - and unconditional love - strong link there.

Last night I returned from London after a few days. I spoke at two conferences and both times I reflected on fear - I hadn't realised this until I was sent a press release yesterday evening - which focused on that part of my presentation. I then realised that I had also reflected a lot on fear during the questions of my second presentation. That was a very international audience and was a wonderful session - I learnt so much from doing it. We talked of fear of ourselves, fear of others and the fear of the unknown.

Fear cripples, destroys and stops us living life to the full but fear is something that we learn.

I sat on the bus in London yesterday laughing with a baby girl in a buggy, her lack of fear and joy of life - made me laugh with her then and the memory makes my heart warm now... the joy of a child's laugh.

We teach our children fear.....

Whilst I was in London I also spent time with two lovely people. Part of my new world of friends - Spirithorse friends. With both of them I reflected on unconditional love - and how you can only give it when you can receive it.

I have been so blessed in my life to have been so loved - and to be so loved - but perhaps this is because I have been able to give love - bit a catch 22 here. It is also so closely linked to fear - if you're fearful you can't give love or receive it.

So the title of this blogg should be ....losing fear..... and finding love!!

Well Percy Sledge has been on continuous loop for the duration of this blogg - time now to change the tune and eat my breakfast. Wow life is such a joy - great stuff this unconditional love!!!!

Emotional roller coasters.....

...are extreme.

I'm in London today for two conferences staying at Ildi's - we went deep last night as we reflected on India and where we are now.

Not certain if emotional roller coaster is the right way of describing it - because it's not actually my emotions that are in turmoil. It feels like all of me - physical, mental, spiritual and emotional - the whole lot is twisting and turning, trying its best to make sense!

Maybe that's the problem - 'trying to make sense' of it all!

I'm not unhappy - quite the reverse - I am very happy, always happy. It's - I'm not certain what - I do have a strong sense of urgency - but again am not certain quite what I have this urgency to do!


If only life was as simple as sitting in bliss with an elephant.... but hey may be it is!!!!!!!!!

Being open to grief

.. is so painful - and looking at yesterday's blogg - is good because the duality of pain/bliss is a hard line to walk.

Upset myself and my sons last night - they don't like me being emotional and upset - but I talked at length to Rob which was great and then my Mum phoned and we talked and that was important - and then I talked to a dear friend for a long time - so out of the upset came really good things......it was still painful though.

Witnessing Eileen's grief brought my pain to the surface. It's almost impossible to live with that pain... and that's where she is at - one day at a time - one minute at a time......

So we find a way to live with the pain... but it still there - a massive tsunami of grief that we all keep locked in our hearts.

But the duality of pain is bliss....... the joy of being alive....the joy of every breath we take......

Buff!!! I feel very raw and lonely today - struggling to see the bliss - but I will find it - in the song of a bird, in the beautiful colours and shapes of clouds and in the smile of a child - because that's where to look!!!

Reflecting on grief...

Woke up in the early hours of the morning - nothing unusal there then! - reflecting on grief.

Yesterday I spent time with a woman who was at the darkest point of her entire life - witnessing the rawness and depth of her pain - and talking about what it felt like to be there. Being open to my own pain through doing that.

Made me understand how my journey has been so enriched by that pain. It is only because I have felt that pain and been open to it - that I can also feel the bliss.

This duality of pain/bliss is at the very core to everything that I am.

The Buff!!! factor continues.....

The roller coaster of my life continues apace - lots of Buffs!!! this week as things have hit me - lots of moments when I felt magnificent and lots when I felt quite lonely.

The death of a man of my childhood Ewart Dawson, has made me think a lot about the past - funnily enough building on long conversations that Gilly and I had last Sunday - doing what we like doing best - eating Gilly tailored food and drinking wine!

We were talking about how the past is seen from the present - and she said that how an event in the past is seen so differently by people who were both there at the same thing!

I've thought about this a lot this week and how people's experiences of the same time are so very different - depending on who they are at that time - where they are in their lives - how they feel - what has happened to them in the recent past - so many, many small factors as well as big things - which make up who we are at any moment experiencing that specific day - and so although two people may have been at the same 'event' their experience of it is totally differently - this is then compounded by how they remember it in the future and the 'story' that they and others build around it.

This also resonated with conversations I had when in India about how your understanding of where you are now - changes how you see and reflect on the past. So your childhood is not seen through the eyes of the child as that child no longer exist. We see our past from the present through layers of past experiences and stories and - and it's a big AND - and we can choose to change how we see the past.

So with these two streams running through me - I thought about the presence of a man in my childhood - and I enjoyed these reflections - and today I will go and talk to his widow which is making me very happy - which seems very right.

Laughing in Vienna

I live an amazing life!

I'm home after a wonderfully leisurely day in Vienna - a long walk through a large park, full of trees just starting to bud - brunch with Karoline, Chris, Cyril and his two delightful little daughters - followed by a mooch around places I would never have found as a visitor to the city. Then a quick bus to Bratislava, straight on a plane and back home - to a warm house! - managed to leave the heating on constant - it was the first time I've come home to a warm house for ages! - and flowers from my lovely Rob.

I love working with the EUCU.net family - we just go places in our thinking - we toss and twirl ideas around - they called me an 'idea vacuum cleaner' at some point today - and it is sort of true - together we are very creative in our thinking - direct questioning, deep reflection - circling around ideas until we get close - when one of us will pounce on it and drag it up - give it a twirl around and the others will give it a good hard look - enjoying it's strengths or relishing its non-sense!!

Last night I was eating wonderful fish in an apartment in Vienna, four of us - great food and wine - talking deep - laughing loads - being very alive. Last Saturday I was at the Moulin Rouge Ball, dancing, twirling, whirling - relishing dressing up, being with beautiful people who love, recognise and cherish the joy of life - and just having so much fun!!!!!!!!!!! In between I was at work with that group of extra-ordinary people - they were also buzzing - I just love the electricity of watching ideas bounce between us - snowballing and taking shape - wow!!! I also talked in depth with friends and Rob cooked me and Jim one of his amazing dinners on Wednesday - so a jam packed week - and in many ways - just my life!!

So this is my amazing life!!!! I am just so so grateful - how blessed am I!!!!!!!!

Search the Darkness

Sit with your friends, don't go back to sleep.
Don't sink like a fish to the bottom of the sea.

Surge like an ocean,
don't scatter yourself like a storm.

Life's waters flow from darkness.
Search the darkness, don't run from it.

Night travellers are full of light, and
you are too: don't leave this companionship.

Be a wakeful candle in a golden dish, don't slip into the dirt like quicksilver.
The moon appears for night travellers, be watchful when the moon is full.

Rumi

Dancing in the new me...

Last night I went dancing - my third time since India - and worked out what was so different - I realised that I couldn't dance Staccato!

The 5 Rhythms form a wave and you start with Flowing - dancing with your feet, continuous movements, grounding yourself - with Staccato - the beat becomes stronger and the movements become much more angular - bish, bash bosh - taking you to the release of Chaos, extended then through Lyrical and finding itself with your breath in Stillness.

I talked about it at the end - saying 'That's weird I couldn't dance Staccato' - Alex the teacher - said, 'Trish, what's surprising about that - you've just been Flowing in India and you've had so much Staccato in your life - maybe the time is right for it just not to be there!'

And she is so right - I have been in Staccato all my adult life - doing, organising, sorting - bish, bash boshing - all my life!!!

There I was in India - for the first time in my adult life - NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was just so wonderful!!- I could and did play with the children at the back of the bus, abandoning myself to the pleasure of just playing, doing what I wanted to, I didn't even have any money for a bit as the bank stopped my card - I just went with the flow and it was wonderfully wonderful!!!!!!!!

Last June - I talked about being una mujer sin obligacion - and was beginning to see what this meant and how it would be - but now I am much closer to really recognising what this means - I am a different woman seamlessly moving between flowing and chaos - sounds about right!!

Staccato will come back - but it will be a different Staccato.

Wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!

... post India....

Been back two weeks - which actually is not really a long time - still getting mood swings - lows and highs - keep looking at photos - and think and talk about India a lot......

Am beginning to recognise changes in myself - but not certain if these are India - or just changes which were on their way anyhow! I look back over the last three and half years and see how much I have changed - when I was India I talked about changing my name - and would like to do so actually - in order to identify with this new person I'm becoming..... but it's not so easy to change your name - but I know my new name and think it suits me!!

I'm really tired tonight as it was the Spirithorse Ball last night - Moulin Rouge theme - we had a BALL!!!!!! I love the Spirithorse joy and love of dressing up - the pleasure in recognising the beauty of ourselves - they - we - just love to give ourselves to the enjoyment of the present - the attention to detail - the love and pleasure given and taken - and we just had a fantastic time!!!

So tonight - back in my big cold house - on my own after time immersed with others - recognising and enjoying both... and putting it on my blogg!!

I think I will tell my blogg my new name - as I have started to tell people - I will keep my old name for work and for most people - but I will also be known as Alegra - wow now there's a big step - been quite a weekend!!!!

Needing to blogg...................

Feeling the need to blogg a lot at moment - probably because my world feels deliciously off kilter - in the sense - that nothing is making a lot of sense - but actually everything makes perfect sense!!!

It's Friday night and I've been out for a pint with Rob - we had a big argument/discussion like we do - he's the only person in the world I really argue with - tonight we talked really deeply - which was wonderful - but of course this led to an argument - we ended up friends though - which doesn't always happen! He is such an amazing young man - I am so unbelievably proud of him......

India - plus the EI are really living with me at the moment - they/it were/was a truly enormous experience/s - not sure at the moment which is which - I think they are both so closely aligned.

I also think it is very important for me to recognise that I am in this turmoil - getting on with it in all it's craziness - but also so very happy to be here - still smiling - probably irritatingly so!

Great place to be - Friday after a long week - with a weekend to look forward to - wonderful!!!

Missing India!

Holding onto India............

The meeting in Brussels was arranged around me being in India - and had to be before the of February - so it had to be just when I came back - and I knew it was coming - but it has been pretty hard going. The meetings were really good - and being with the EUCU.net family was wonderful - but 3 long days!!

Back in my own bed - with a pot of chamomile tea - having replenished my stock of herb teas in Amsterdam on the way back - after another meeting - am really tired tonight - which is probably understandable!

Still holding onto India in my heart - big breath...................... it feels like a warmth in my core... I want to keep this... not certain if I will be able to .. but I intend to try.

Wow moment - how amazingly lucky am I - still smiling - that's what I want to keep hold of - the joy I felt in India........

When I was walking through Amsterdam this afternoon I felt the weight of western consumerism.. the nonsense that we dedicate our lives to 'wanting' though not knowing we want to do with it!

But now I'm in my warm bed - drinking tea - I can see the happiness I felt - and probably because I'm so tired - it is a warm yet quieter feeling - but the feeling in Amsterdam is also on the periphery - I think the technical term is a mood swing!

So time to drink up chamomile tea and to sleep - waking up to see what tomorrow brings!

Back from India....

... and can't stop smiling!!

A Glorious Journey was how I described it to someone, sometime - somewhere - in Southern India - and I liked the expression - as it was just that - a Glorious Journey!! I think it will take many bloggs to work through all that has happened and all that I have learnt from it - from India, its beautiful people, its spirituality, the countryside, the food........ but also my companions, the children, the EI - going there and coming home - I am - and was in India - just so very very happy - it is just such a wonderful feeling to be always happy.

It feels longer that three weeks - we did so much - I also went off on my own - and visited a university established by a man I met in Beirut - 25 years ago - the university not the meeting - and that was amazing.... Red carpet treatment - I had such a wonderful time - visiting not only the university but also partners that they are working with, in the rural areas, making two Women's Empowerment Talks!! and visiting schools - my breath was blown away!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I felt - and still feel so strongly - in awe of the Indian people - we - westerners - have lost so much in our pursuit of - xxxxx - can't think of a word because it's not civilisation - and it's definitely not truth - 'tomorrow' - is as close as I can get to it - because here in the west we seek and pursue tomorrow - but we have forgotten how to enjoy today - or even how to recognise the present - wrapping it up in a web of worry and fear about the future.

I just absolutely loved India!!!

My favourite bit was staying in the farm - very basic in terms of amenities - which we quickly learnt to live without - but just such an amazing place - with Aranuchala - the holy mountain - directly in front of us and surrounded by very old cultivated fields - nurtured through centuries old - sophisticated - yet minding blowingly simple irrigation systems.

Absolutely amazing - feel very tired tonight and am not sure if I'm making much sense - a 5 and a half hour time difference - just love the concept of a half hour time difference! - combined with very little sleep for several days is beginning to catch up on me - work tomorrow then an early start on Tuesday to go to Brussels - but I just can't stop smiling because life is so wonderful!!!!

It seems a strange time to be going on holiday.....

...but also a very right one.

Last August when I sat in the final Spirithorse circle - Shivam asked who wanted to go to India - and as I looked around - to see who's hands were up - I realized mine was - which just seemed the right place for it to be!!

Though I am actually very tired - last week and this, saw the finale of months of work - and in many ways the timing has been really good - as it has been a very hard few weeks/months. I'm also leaving things with a lot of uncertainty about my future at work but also feel very reconciled to this. My life will change whilst I'm away, through changes to me and changes to circumstances. I can now do no more but embrace whatever occurs.

Which is a good starting point for a holiday - though this will like no other holiday I have ever been on - I have no idea as to itinerary - or even where I'm staying beyond the first night - so wow this is a real adventure. I know we will spend at least 4 days at Arunachala, the holy hill at Thiruvannamalai and I am going to visit a university founded by a man I met in Beirut - but beyond that - hey I have no idea!!!

So am nearly packed, visa arrived yesterday, friends due round shortly and Jimmy for tea tomorrow then a very early start on Friday for my Indian adventure - nervous, excited and just so, so lucky!!!!!!

feeling good but knackered!!!!!!!!!!

Never done anything like the big bid which we submitted today - and it has been an amazing process - months in development - 35 partners in 23 countries - 108 pages - 41,000 words - more than many PhD theses - 4 years funding - 4+ million euros. Pushing to the edge in many ways.... way out of my depth .... but knowing what I feel to be truthful and going for it - also knowing that it is not the usual - in fact quite the opposite - will either be loved and scored very highly - or will not - in which case - stops there.

Made the decision a few months to go for it - so it doesn't play the rules - good - I don't think I know how to play the rules - the briefing in Brussels said - we want to have bids which are not like the normal bids - and they've got one - the question is - will they like it? I haven't the time or inclination to do this again - so if it is funded my life goes in that direction - if it is not - my life goes in that other direction...... feel very reconciled about this - and also quite excited!

Funded or not - I have learnt so much from doing it - and know so many more things - and got close to so many people - special open hearted people - through long hard days and often nights of mainly email conversations - with me as the only one with English as my first language - and in the context of my Spanish - different league.

It is amazing how wonderful people came into your life to do the bits you can't do - but hey ask and you shall receive! Attention to detail - hard nights this week because I lost focus on individuals and where they are - but of course the small things are so important - and staying true - at all times. Feel good about all this but also knackered!!!!!!!!!

buff - who wants birthdays!!!!!!

Can't say I like birthday's - the counting of every year you have completed - do I want to be this old - but how lucky am I to be this age - a huge historical mixture of emotions - yet this year the loveliness of friends and family has really sneaked up on me.

Specialness - and tonight I feel so special - touched by little things - but of course it is the little things that are so important!

A very busy - under-statement day - in an exhausting period of my life - getting up so early every day - and keeping going - got til tomorrow evening to finish this thing - letting it take over my life - but recognising that I will only be doing this for a couple more days - and like Rob said tonight over dinner - you knew this was going to be a rough few days - and I did and it is!!!

Lovely moments - felt them very strongly - thoughtful sisters, messages from around the world, flowers from Vienna, a wonderful conversation with my Mum and my Dad - as they remembered the day I was born - my father 'catching me in his hands' - feeling so loved - dinner tonight in Chili Banana with Rob, Jim and Gilly - lovely, easy, uncomplicated - how lucky is that!

So buffff birthdays I can cope with you - yes I am getting older - but how lucky am I to be alive - and so loved - just so amazingly lucky!!!

When wow becomes hard work... reality check

I keep coming back to the onion skin analogy - you just get through one layer - and then there's another one! Buuuuuuuh - life is like a walk that you set off on - really happy - with a plan to do that little hill in front of you - but you get to the top of that - and what can you see? - another one - so you think I want to get to the top of that one too - so you go for the next one - and surprise surprise - get to the top of that one and guess what! another 'bite size' mountain ahead - so you say I'll do that one too - and then - and then - and then.........

Then you stop and think how lucky am I - to be here - to be climbing this mountain - to be out breathing this fresh air, to feel the breeze in your face and to see the world from a new vantage point - amazing!!!!

Then you continue to climb the mountain - though by this time it is fair to say your feet and other parts of your body hurt - and you are no longer certain if there will ever be a 'mountain top'. But you are hooked on that feeling of being on top of the world, the view of everything around, beneath and above you and the amazing joy of being alive...... and you also recognise that you don't actually have any choice - so you veer between joy and pain... wow ..... well it makes sense to me!!

Context for this - a good weekend - of extremes - Finns on Friday, Wassailing party Saturday - both wonderful - thoroughly enjoying both my professional and my personal life- with good people, honesty and a lot of FUN!!!!!

Doing this on my own - including crack of dawn starts to days working on important (to me) stuff - plus drinking too much and dancing - but you can never dance enough!!!! Know I'm not alone - but hey - I do feel pretty alone quite often - sorrow/joy needs to be felt!!!

Wow - I'm on this mountain trek called life - and I'm still here - this is good - being here is good - feel strong - but also vulnerable - but that's OK.

Hey ho - how lucky are we to be alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A week into the new year........

From rainbows on a Spanish mountain top - to snow in a city - an unusual week!

A week of work, tucked up in the house, thrashing out the European proposal. Good thinking - and deep and relevant thinking for my future year. At the moment I don't know where my year will take me - it could go in so many directions - how extra-ordinary is that - wow I'm just so blessed.

But, I also know that I need to keep my feet firmly on the ground..... that was one of the very strong messages of Spain - to stay grounded. I think I have to do this in all aspects of my life - to consciously focus in on being grounded. I did this when I was dancing in Spain - and I know I need to dance like this for a while - and I think I can see how to do it in other aspects of my life, but there is a always a tendency to let oneself drift off.........................

OK - that sounds like a new years resolution, to consciously focus on staying grounded - good I hadn't made one yet - so that's my first. Though I have made some decisions about how I want to live my life over the coming year. Spanish is important - I want to spend as much time as I can in Spanish speaking countries in order to learn how to 'think' in Spanish. Family, friends and colleagues - the people in my life - are just so important, new and old, I do think I need to think through how I am consciously grounded in my relationships with them all. Work, I feel that I will go with my intuition, that doesn't sound very grounded but I have worked very intuitively for a long time now - so with work I will just continue like this. Teachers, yes, they are very important to me at this stage of my life, I need to respect my teachers but learning is a mixture of consciousness and intuition - so I will prioritise giving myself time to do both - I suppose that's a form of being grounded - giving oneself time.

But I smile at myself and the seriousness of my blogg - so I will give myself the time and freedom to have fun and to cherish and enjoy every second of this amazing thing called life!!!!!

Amazing, extraordinary New Year......

It's sometime very early on the 3rd of January and I have just come back from Spain.......... I'm wide awake in bed, music on, drinking chamomile tea and eating Christmas cake 'cos that's the only thing I could find to eat... with a hot water bottle at my feet - so I'm perfect... but I'm also completely at a loss for words to describe my new year.....

What I actually want to say is .........wow................ wow............... wow..... dear blogg I have been doing some amazing things over the last couple of years but my experience of the last few days has beaten them all. There were so many different things happening which all added up to a heady and powerful mixture - but maybe it wasn't a lot of things together - maybe it was just the whole thing - as a complete thing - or maybe it was just what happened to me - or .... maybe I have just become totally incoherent!!

OK - certain things can be described - an amazing house, built specifically for dancing, on top of a mountain, above a river in flood, surrounded by olive trees, the extra-ordinary weather, gale force winds, huge clouds, mountains with snow on their peaks, a full moon and so many rainbows they were in danger of becoming common place - huge rainbows which arked over the valley, often double, dwarfing the mountains with their intensity.... we even had a lunar rainbow from the full blue moon in partial eclipse on new years eve.........

So that was the setting for eight of us to ceremonially dance out the old year and dance in the new one... which we did - the deepest, wildest and most profound dancing I have done... beautiful, wonderful and transformative.

We also sat around a large table and ate the best of food, drank wine, told stories, talked and laughed but most of the time we danced and went deep and then deeper.................................... wow - it truly was amazing.

Dancing like that, with a powerful teacher, is a gift... but I also recognised myself and the work I put into my dancing... it wasn't easy ... many times it was painful, excruciatingly painful.... but it was worth it... I learnt so much from my fellow dancers and I know that they learnt from me.. and it was also just such an amazingly beautiful process...

This is a bit incoherent ... but back to my mantra - how lucky am I..... something new though - luck and recognising and cherishing good things - big and especially small - go hand in hand....