being me - part 2!!

Strangely I've started to blogg a couple of times over the last week - but not actually been able to pull together a blogg to publish - which is weird - and the first time I have ever done this - in terms of starting by writing a few sentences - and then just giving up and not saving/publishing the blogg.

OK - so feel I need to complete something tonight. It is Sunday - my birthday was last Saturday - and it feels like so much 'stuff' has shifted/moved on. I hadn't really anticipated my 60th birthday being such a huge point of change - but - it really, really has been - and this has also taken me by surprise. Probably one of the reasons why the blogg never got written - it just felt like so much was changing - day by day.

I have been thinking about what this change has been - and I now know it is one of certainty - I now just feel very clear about what and who I am! Wow never thought I'd be able to write that!!!!!! But yes - I do feel clearer about who I am - and loving the multi-dimensional aspects of this person - me! On one level being clear about me - who I am - but this recognition also meaning - that I am deliciously unclear - about what this will look like in reality. That sounds like a contradiction - but it's not.

New year - was amazing - a purification - a real getting rid of so much! Followed by the beautifulness of becoming 60 - and with that - such a joy and gratitude for being me - this amazing 60 year old - wise woman! Yes she is pretty crazy, bonkers and unpredictable - but you know what - who cares -it's great being me!!!!

It's been a surprisingly big thing reaching this next decade - and unexpected - this week has also been one of making decisions - about myself, my work, my future. I have no idea where I will be in 3 years time - in terms of what I will be doing, where I will be living, who I will be with -  3 pretty fundamental aspects of my life!! And decisions I made this week are all part of this process of change and moving on - AND JUST SO EXCITING!

But the clarity has been about embracing being ME - and the freedom of being open to - and up for change. I think when I was turning 30, 40 and 50 - this was unimaginable.  That's not to say I wasn't happy - because in many ways I was - and secure - as Chris's wife, the boys Mum - job was less secure - but I was happy being an educational entrepreneur - with all that involved. But now - I have a greater sense of personal freedom and with this the joy of embracing the unknown - and living each precious day as just that - a 'precious moment'.

I think much of this sense of clarity is about my personal sense of  knowing - and that is very much based on my spiritual journey - which has been such an accelerated roller coaster  - over the last decade - especially in the 6 years since Chris died. It has been funny reflecting on the last ten years - and going 'Yes - they've been amazing' and then thinking - 'Oh and by the way my beautiful man of 35 years died in the middle of that decade!' But of course Chris's death was also such a huge trigger for personal change and growth - and looking back - I am proud of myself - as I did end up growing so much as a consequence of what was such a potentially devastating life change - the sudden death of my partner of 35 years.

So I am now 60 -  and this has been celebrated in several lovely ways - I am so very blessed! Planning a future of unknowns - and embracing the fact that anything could happen tomorrow - way to go!!!!!

 

Being me.....

 .... and being 60!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am amazed at how old I am - not quite 60 yet - that happens on Saturday - and I have decided already that I will love being 60 - and NOT apologise for it!

It's funny 'cos I say to people - it's my birthday and I'm 60 - and they say 'I'm so sorry - you don't look it!'  - and I understand this - over the last few years I haven't  broadcast my age - mid 50's - late 50's - keep it quiet and maybe no-one will notice! But I have decided  I am proud to be 60 - recognising how lucky I am to be 60 - joyously enjoying being ME - who by the way happens to be 60! How amazing it is to be 60 - recognising that Michael never made 20, Jan never made 40, Chris never made 60 - my Dad never made 100!

Life is for living - every precious - to be treasured - moment of it.

So I will be 60 on Saturday - deliciously enjoying my life - of course I find some things hard - finding some moments require a big breath to walk into -  but overall having a ball!

Had a great conversation with Gilly on Saturday evening - after a perfect day - First Birthday Celebration - a muddy, laughter filled walk with Perri, Gilly, Rachel and boys.... mud, laughter, lunch, more laughter and eventually Gilly and I doing what we do so well - drinking wine and talking. It was a great day and a beautifully deep conversation.....

When I was in Spain I reflected a lot about our own 'unique life journey' - and how they can be seen as being like an individual drop of water in an ocean. I do see the journey of our souls as being on their very own personal journey - but all of us together being on a collective journey. Anyway on Saturday evening Gilly and I talked deeply  - reflecting on how our lives are so very different - though also very connected through our own shared histories - and as we talked it became clear to both of us how our own personal challenges are just so very different - but we also saw the 'ocean' which is our combined journey - it was a great conversation.

OK so now it's Tuesday - though it feels like Thursday - I have been remarkably busy this week! My Mum is good - talked to her just now - she has paid half of Jim's flight to visit Rachel in Qatar - and she is enjoying that - remembering her own time apart from her Jimmy - (70 years ago) and loving that she has enabled her youngest grandchild to be with his love - as she described it, in the 'ups and downs stage' of their relationship - by which she means living in the uncertainty of their shared future - but living their lives on the basis that will be together - inter-generational connectivity. That looks like a lot of words - but it is actually very simple - my Mum recognises the love of Jimmy and Rachel - and she relates it to her own love for her Jimmy - my Dad. Buffff - beautiful - love it....

So 60 on Saturday - my whole life ahead of me - and enjoying the 'knowing nothing' about what will be - but loving the reality that it could be anything!!!!!

2013.....

........ started on top of a Spanish hillside - as I 'danced' in the new year by taking a Shamanic journey with Grandmother Bear and Owl.

Now I definitely would never have written such a statement if Chris was still alive!

But that's what I did - I danced deep and I danced alone - and I danced the edge of being in a group but also on my own. I danced in the year I will be 60 - and I danced with purpose.

OK so what does that all mean?

The process was one of purification - and I feel very much that I have been on a timeless journey. Nurtured and cherished by Oya and Michael and the group of other dancers, challenged by my own journey - it was a special time.

I got back last Thursday to a flat full of Rachel and Jimmy - counting the days until they are apart for several months as Rachel goes to Qatar to stay with her parents soon. I went to work on Friday and the weekend has been full of visits, my Mum, a Gilly dinner and a Smiley afternoon - then tomorrow morning I go to Innsbruck.

The new year has started!!!!!!!

Christmas is over....

..... and it was very lovely and enjoyable - my Mum came over to stay at mine - there was 6 of us staying in this little flat - but it was really, really good - 2 of my boys, Rachel and Lara - attentively looking after Mum - doing crosswords, making lots of cups of tea etc and cherishing her. She was brilliant - loving every second, being appreciative of everything and everybody - my eyes have suddenly welled up with tears as I write this - she is such an amazing, indomitable woman - I don't know how many more Christmas's she will have - but it was a joy to share this one with her - she described it as ' beautiful' - which felt very special to me.

We all went out for a meal on Christmas Eve - Fiona's family, Gilly and the 6 of us - then we all went to Fiona's for Christmas dinner - Ian prepared a feast for us - and Aidan delighted and charmed his big cousins and great grandmother. He is such a special little boy. Then yesterday another family party with Gilly, Evey and Michael and Michael's daughter - lots of laughter, love and as Evey wrote in a text to me this morning - 'What a lovely day we had yesterday - what more could we ask for than spending time with your Mum, family and friends - priceless.' I'm feeling very emotional again - just full of gratitude...... mantra brewing - how lucky am I? It is also so wonderful to be with others who are also so grateful - Mum, Evey, Michael - special, special!!!!

So I am now in my flat - Jimmy and Rachel cooking prawn salad - the two of them cooking companionably together - Jimmy's music playing - just about covering the noise of the washing machine, sorting myself out before tomorrow. Alex and Lara hopefully on a bus somewhere between Madrid and Gijon and Mum back in Abbeyfield - it was lovely when I took her home this morning - she said 'this feels like coming home' as she was greeted on her arrival, un-packing her presents - with only a fairly sketchy idea of which come from who - but holding them all dear.

I go dancing tomorrow in Spain - am really looking forward to switching off and just dancing - I want to use the opportunity to process the last few roller-coaster months and to be clearer what my intentions are for the future year. I will be dancing on a mountain top in the south of Spain - I danced in the new year of 2010 there - and that was the big/all change year for me!  Tomorrow I will be off again on another adventure - with my heart open,  fearless and with no idea what is awaiting me - wonderful!!!!

feelings of change...

.....am at home - Jimmy, Alex, Lara and I flew home from Croatia via Budapest yesterday and got home to tea cooked by Rachel who was waiting for us - she couldn't join us at Robbie's as she still hasn't got her passport back. Funny to be part of a family that needs passports to visit each other!

They've all gone out tonight and I have been knitting - we managed to leave my suitcase at Rob's house - with several of both mine and his Christmas presents in it - bit bonkers - but I think we were all a bit hung-over after his birthday party - well it happened - it was quite funny - got to Budapest airport - about 3 hours from Rob's - opened the boot of the car - and realised!  I had knitted my Mum a sort of shawl/scarf of beautiful soft wool and Rachel a waistcoat of 3 pieces - and one piece of the waistcoat and all of the shawl/scarf are still in a suitcase at Rob's!!! But Lara and I went to the wool shop today and I have made my Mum a cushion for her back and tonight knitted a very quick scarf for Rachel from fancy wool - so I am happy!

Tomorrow I go and pick my Mum up and bring her here for Christmas - 6 of us in a tiny flat - it will be squashed but wonderful - tomorrow night dinner in a restaurant - Christmas day at Fiona's and Boxing day here with Evie, Michael and Gilly. Precious, precious, precious times. I sound like my Mother -  am just so lucky - she says lucky - I say blessed - but I think we mean the same - grateful to be alive and recognising the wonderfulness of that.

Realised that I had titled this blogg - feelings of change - then wrote about knitting...... but I do have a huge feeling of change..... it sort of feels like everything is different - but strangely when we were in Croatia - it just felt so normal to be at Rob's - which on reflection is a bit wierd - but in a few days time Alex and Lara will go to Spain to spend New Year with Lara's family - and none of this feels strange. So much change yet all sort of deliciously normal - people/family - so of course normal - people are people and family is family - love it!

So the change must be in me! Maybe - I do feel like I am living in some accelerated whirlwind - though also knitting - there's a paradox! Feeling in a vortex of change whilst focusing on the minutiae - but the small things are the most important and even though everything is so rapid - we are living in this - the present moment!!!!

OK - so I will continue knitting - then go to bed very grateful in having 2 sons and their amazing partners staying in my flat - having just been visiting my third son - to be picking my Mum up tomorrow and then to be having a family Christmas - then dancing in Spain - lucky/blessed - just grateful............

back home and changed....

I wrote the title of this blog a couple of days ago but never wrote anything after that - I think I probably fell asleep!   I got back Monday evening and it is now Friday, the days just go by so quickly and I have been very tired!

It’s been a strange week and yes I do feel changed after the last weekend of my course.  I have become more public about being a Sound Healer, telling some people at work, doing a treatment with my mother – that was lovely, she became very blissful. I have noticed that people are becoming more open to discuss consciousness, energy, spirituality – or maybe it is just me and my journey.  I don’t think so though - as when I have talked about it with others - they too have said that people are becoming more open with them as well.  I am being more open about the spiritual side of my life, to my family and friends and now some colleagues!

I am excited about doing sound healing treatments for individuals and sound journeys for groups, I just love it, but it’s also something that I am actually very good at - as it is something that enables my natural gifts to come out.  This sounds a strange thing to write and I don’t mean it arrogantly - it is just that the sound healing is my vehicle, it is the way for me to do what I am very good at. It was certainly something that I hadn’t planned, and actually could not have foreseen occurring. I have never thought that healing was my gift, and I never thought that sound and my voice would be something I would use as a practice/type of work.

I have been thinking about my future and I can see that this part of my life will run parallel with the other part of my life for a while, and then I can see the two joining in some way.  Not quite certain how this will happen or even when it will happen but it just feels very right to me that it will happen.

I was talking to someone last night on Skype, and we haven’t seen each other for a while although we have talked on the phone and she commented that I looked different.  I think I might look a bit different, and I certainly feel a bit different, in some ways more self assured, more at peace.

Exciting things are happening in my life, and I am being open to them when they occur which is such good fun.  Living without fear is really the most important thing to do, being fearless – love it!

Go away again on Sunday to meet my boys -  Alex, Lara and Jimmy in Budapest – and then we will all drive to Varazdin to stay with Robbie.  It feels like the family home has now moved to Croatia – how exciting is that. Cheltenham Avenue is having solar panels put on the roof this week - it just seemed the right thing to do and I’m glad that I’ve done it, although it did end up to be a very complicated process. So the family home has moved to Croatia although it temporarily abides in Travellers Court – we come back on the 22^nd and then my mum will join us for Christmas.  It will be a bit of a squash - six of us in that tiny flat – but it will be cosy - I am looking forward to it.

So the end of 2012 is approaching, changes are occurring across the globe.  I am ready for 2013, a different person to the one that started 2012 – a Sound Healer – how did that happen!!! I feel very blessed and I feel very happy and I know the two are totally connected.

feeling expectant.......

Early morning tomorrow I will be on way to Belgium again - for the last weekend of my course.

Have felt very 'strange' all week - not certain why - and I don't know if it is physical, mental, emotional or  spiritual - but I suppose it is a mixture   - the physical has involved me being tired - not unexpected after last week - but I have also had this sort of physical expectancy feeling - a sort of undetermined excitement - with the heart racing etc - not certain why - but a real feeling of restlessness.

The mental has involved a lot of processing of last week - ideas still buzzing around - great thinking - but again 'expectant' rather than concretely identified - but really feeling that I am so close to a big bang in my thinking - buzzing rather than landing! Wrote stuff today which was a really good step,

Emotionally feel pretty cool at that the moment!

I know the spiritual aspect of my life is beautifully enriched by the Sound Healing course and I think much of my expectancy is a feeling of excitement of where I will go during the next few days. Funnily I also feel this physically - tonight my hands and feet are just burning up.

Bufff - consciousness - mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually - the keys lie in our heart - time to reconnect them!!! Anything is becoming possible - way to go!

Things the same - yet things so different!

Well I'm back home - after another marathon - Sweden, Netherlands, Portugal.......

Feels like I am still landing - which is not surprising as I went directly from two very early flights, after about one hour's sleep, driving straight from the airport to my sister Jenny's for lunch with the family - which was lovely.... then home via the supermarket - and then somewhat ambitiously I made a Christmas Pudding!

Doing my blogg now - which I love to do - finding the space to start to reflect on what I feel tonight..... Well - I can clearly see that I am still as high as a kite from the experiences of the last two weeks!!!! And understandably!!!! But that in itself is good to know - recognising that I need to spend time focusing on landing.

OK - levels - work was great - very hard at times, very focused, lots of demands on my time, energy and abilities - and pretty constant, full on - days and evenings - breakfast conversation merging in full days of meetings which merged into dinners and very late nights - all interspersed with walks through the beautiful city of Porto - lots of good work being done whilst going up and down those steep hills between our hotel and the University rectorate building where we were based - special conversations.......

Wonderful work, and I can see so much more clearly after this last week - really starting to see what the SiS Catalyst legacy will look like, specifically, globally and also for me - this was a huge development in my thinking.

But there are other levels - deep, deep connections with others who understand - what a joy - what a joy - what a joy!!!!! As a consequence I did three sound healing sessions - which were all so different and yet each one was very well received - and they also gave me an amazing feeling of 'rightness' - I love doing them and it was a big jump between my worlds. The three sessions came naturally out of conversations - and it was good to have the chance to talk deep with others - not with everyone but with a growing number of people. Bufffffffffff!

The word which has been dancing around my thoughts all this week – and it is a word that has been around in my head for quite a while - certainly several months now – anyway the word is 'consciously'.

It was my intention when in the valley this summer - to be able to see more consciously - and suddenly I can see that really beginning to appear not just for me - but also for others.

OK what do I mean by 'seeing more consciously' – for example I had a beautiful conversation with my Mum at Jenny's today - we were talking about war/peace. She was born in 1920 - a peace baby 'Irene' - after the first world war – and was then the generation of young people caught up in the second world war - and my Mum said - the young people of today - they are more conscious - they travel, they use computers - they are more connected - this enables them to be more 'conscious of each other'.

I personally feel 'more conscious' of how I am living my life – consciously being happy for example. The shift I saw in myself this last week or so - has been to 'see' this change in consciousness - both within myself and crucially also within my work - for example working with global partners and witnessing their shared recognition of their similarities in their very different cultural, geographical etc etc localities.

Mmmmmm – lots and lots to think about, to reflect on – but now the call of a hot bath, a mug of camomile tea and bed with a hot water bottle in it – has just become too strong for me to resist!!!!!

Thank you blogg reader – my mind is just buzzing and it's lovely to get some of it down!

Sweden.....

Am currently in Lulea - right in the north of Sweden. It's been a pretty hectic few days - loads of things to do before I left Liverpool with work, my Mum falling on Sunday, Rachel 'representing' Jim on a Macclesfield hospital mission, enjoying to get to know her better.

Then travelling to Sweden and participating in a completely different network. Key Note speaking - to an audience that 'knows their onions' as Chris's Mum used to say... and they did and I feel very happy after today - it was really special and I learnt so much - love it!!!!!!!!!!! Just really, really love it when so many things make sense to me - and today has been one of those - 'falling into place' sort of days - great stuff.

Heard yesterday from Jenny that Mum had had the plastic surgery operation on her hand - she fell on Sunday on her way to church - and managed to completely skin the back of her right hand - 3 skin grafts worth - it was horrible - like a piece of meat. She was amazing - recognised how lucky she was not to have broken anything - and having four daughters - all of us being able to take a stint in the process - and yes she is lucky to have that - but her appreciation and gratitude is truly awesome.

Next week is another SiS conference in Porto, Portugal - it seems only like 2 minutes from Zagreb - yet so much has been done - so much happened - but all in a blink of an eye - life does seem to be whirling by, accelerated time!

Working and living life also seems so very blurred now - the two aspects of me - Tricia and Alegra - separate but becoming closer - today has been a real Tricia day - but I have ended up making the most amazing Alegra connections - and sitting in the audience of the final plenary session - recognising the language; co-creation, transformation, connection, focusing energy -all Alegra language in a Tricia context - pretty amazing stuff!

It's also very good to talk and to be more open - about the stuff that I do - the vision for the future that I have -and then to get such affirmation - felt very wonderful.

Didn't see the northern lights - but knew they were there - just above the rain clouds - but then I hadn't charged my battery properly in my camera - so I wouldn’t have been able to capture them! Off to Amsterdam to see Jimmy in Leiden - that's good - and Alex has been offered two jobs, one in Grenoble and one in Paris - so looks like they'll be staying in France!

Recognising and appreciating my happiness - lucky, lucky me...........................

 

Busy in Belgium... sort of wierd!

I have been coming and going to Belgium several times over the last two months as I have been doing the course - 4 long weekends over 4 months. It is a course on 'Sound Healing' - and it has been an extraordinary experience for me. I decided to do it - very spontaneously - and very quickly after I had experienced Tuvan singing in the valley - a sort of singing/meditation - it was that which drew me - and I didn't really think about the 'healing' bit at all - and certainly not that I could be a healer. Well strange things have happened and I have been open to them - and though it feels very wierd to write it - I am a healer!!!!!! Of course we all are - but this is MY journey and MY realisation - and I am amazed that I have the confidence to write this. I am not certain what I will do with this yet - but I know I do want to work with people - certainly to continue practising - and see where it goes - there is a beautiful right feeling about all this - I am not musical - not a musician, never been able to play an instrument or have the confidence to sing - but Georgia was amazing - I found my voice - then Vlad's workshop in the valley - and one amazing night of just being open to let the 'sound', 'singing', 'voice' come out of me - but now I have had 3 weekends of 'system/theory' - and practice - all giving me a shape for something very intuative - and something that feels so very right to me. OK - so I am still pretty high after the last weekend - and then yesterday I came back to the extraordinary world that I also live in - speaking in a reception/debate in the European Parliament - it was a small group and over a dinner - I spoke during the soup!!! Today has been full of meetings - I am shaking my head as I write this - I am still so amazed by what I do! So tonight I am in a hotel room - for a change! But with a suitcase which now contains - 2 singing bowls and several tuning forks - writing this on the ipad - no spellcheck or formatting - and just loving being here - becoming a Sound Healer - and not feeling too crazy writing that! And just loving being me!!!!

Back home - briefly..................

... but then everything feels so transitory - rapid changes occurring day by day - never seeming to quite get on top of everything totally - when the next big change occurs......

I suppose this feeling of change is particularly strong because I am constantly moving - got back from Vienna today - and will be in Grobbendonk this time next week - which is worth writing just for the name!!! It's where I stay in Belgium when doing my course - at the amazing home of Jes.

But I am travelling so much - and through the journeying zooming in and focusing on specific things/ideas for a few days - AND really focusing on these things - my course or my work - both amazing and both providing long intensive days of intention and thinking - then up and off again..... to another piece of the jigsaw!

Whirling a bit tonight - but happily so - the amazing stuff  I did on my course - BUFFFFFFFF - a huge biggie that I have not really started to 'process', 'work out','think through' can't even find the words for what I need to do with it - but I think that's the thing - not to think - but just to let it filter through me - like water through sand - taking it's time to move through....... and for me to just accept the changes that it has involved.

And work - WOW - it too is blasting it's way at the moment - love it - seeing things so much more claelry - huge movement and shifts of thinking - like big Icebergs crashing around me.

Sometimes it does feel like I'm standing on a little ship surrounded by so much movement, waves, icebergs, whales, storms, fog, clouds and of course rainbows - but just SO MUCH GOING ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back to the mantra - how lucky am I?

I dreamt about Chris last night....

... and it was a lovely, sensuous, normal sort of cosy togetherness - and when I was telling someone about the dream today - I had this huge realisation that I dream about Chris a lot........  lovely, normal, conversational, physical dreams - though often I would be saying - "You're not supposed to be here - in this reality!"  In these dreams we are  together - just being together - doing the things that we did together for so many years - decades in fact  - and it came as quite a shock to me today to realise that I was so regularly dreaming of Chris.......  and it was weird - talking about this one dream - and  then to suddenly have this flash of recognition and remembering all these other dreams.

As I type I can recall some details of these other dreams - though like all dreams - they are mercurial - where the impossible is normality - and if you think about something it just sorts of happen..... in that dream like way. But in my dreams of Chris - the ones I can remember - were are doing things together in a happy mixture of  day to dayness - but I also recalled that I sometimes had this sort of reluctant feeling that people wouldn't understand our normality of being together if they knew that he was dead - but also that Chris was  just not bothered about that!

Well that was an unexpected blogg to write!!

OK - so it's Wednesday - I came back from Estonia on Sunday and leave for Belgium tomorrow. Alex unexpectedly stayed at mine last week, after a job interview - Steph stayed last Wednesday and Sunday around Estonia - and my cousin's daughter Ruth stayed here last night - and I was out on Monday - that sounds like an excuse for not blogging - and in someways it is - as I have missed it/you..... but it it was lovely to have all these guests - and Estonia was a really good trip - hard focused work in wonderful company and country.

I will be away a week - doing my course over the weekend and then going to Vienna to take one specific aspect of SiS Catalyst to the next stage..... It feels like there is a lot of pressures around my work at the moment - good pressures but changes occurring so quickly - as things develop..... the pace of change does feel very, very fast indeed.

But I am knitting - love it - it takes me to this very slow place, stitch by stitch, row by row... and that's what I'll do now - sit in my peaceful flat and knit for a couple of hours - and with bamboo needles I can take it on the plane tomorrow too!

Where I am now.....

.... am at home - it's late Sunday evening - and I have been home an hour or so - unpacked and turned around - and should go to bed as I will be up early tomorrow - but I am no where near sleep - my mind is whirling and my heart is full - I am buzzing with energy and flying high - realising that I needed to blogg - to find a way of coming back down I think!!!

I have just come back from a weekend with the Spirithorse Women's Lodge - Thursday evening to Sunday afternoon - a period of time so rich - so long - yet also so short -  so deep, enriching and  connected - a joyous time - which also took me to the wall of grief - and instead of just recognising and  acknowledging it - for the first time I went through it...... buffff - it looks strange in black and white - typed into a blogg - but that was where I was - and gratefully, amazingly blessed to be there - I am consciously going on the next steps of my spiritual journey... knowing that I am not going there on my own - I am now taking these steps - strides - giant leaps....  all being taken with the love and support of so many amazingly beautiful people........ back to the mantra - how lucky am I?

blogging on a train.....

Travelling across the North of Finland by train - passing through the forests, fields and occasional towns - many evergreens but overall a patchwork of oranges, yellows and shades of greens as the autumn colours shine - they are ahead of us up here, though I noticed chestnut trees turning when I was out with my Mum a couple of weeks ago - so when I get back I am sure the park and trees will have well started to change. Autumn..... There are many, many lakes here - small and large and at the moment the sky is bright blue with some white feathers of clouds. The sky seems to change very quickly. Finland is very beautiful and showing off to me as I travel through her splendour! Yesterday we went to an island and I loved the sea and the endless horizon. We do live in such a truly beautiful earth. I have seen several flocks of swans and yesterday big groups of grey cranes - huge birds - special to see............ Today I will meet old friends and I am very happy to be travelling - train journeys are much more restful that planes, especially with views like I am experiencing............. I am also aware that this is the first anniversary week of my Father's death and the sixth of Chris's.... that feels quite emotional, but also OK. Both of those lovely men loved me - and how special and joyous to know that - and I do know it deep, deep in my heart. I also know that I was given such a huge gift to be born to a man who loved me - I smile as I feel his love around me..... and then to have the second gift of being loved by a truly wonderful man for so many years - again I can feel Chris's love deep in my heart - but I don't actually feel as close to him now.... maybe it's the passage of time - or maybe he is busy - I laugh as I write this - but in some ways I love to think of him being busy - he was a truly huge man - a huge hearted, powerful, beautiful man - who loved and treasured the small things in life..... my blessing is to have these two men in my life. So here I am surrounded by people chatting companiably to each other in the extraodinary sing-song Finnish language. I'm probably the only Brit on the train - listening to music, Sigur Ros, admiring the shining world I am travelling through and giving thanks.... Thank-you, Thank-you, Thank-you for giving me so many blessings - how lucky am I???????

in Finland

Have been on the road for over a week - a rich mixture of work and pleasure - but I am so lucky - my work is a pleasure!

Now in Oulu in northern Finland - and the autumnal colours have arrived here already. I haven't seen much so far - but tomorrow we will be going on a sightseeing tour - so that's special.

Last weekend I did my first part of the Sound Healers course I have enrolled on - it was a huge experience in many ways and at many levels - I haven't really started to process it all yet. It shook me up but it also felt  wonderfully right for me. I have three more weekends to go - and that's exciting. Singing in Georgia has started a huge ball rolling!!!

September?????

Am still struggling a bit - and cross with myself because I am - as I feel I have no right to feel down! Have just been talking to Gilly - who wonderfully said - it's OK - it's September!

It took me a bit to understand - but yes it's September - 6 years ago my life changed totally as Chris died in September 2006 - how did that happen - SIX YEARS - and a year ago my Dad died - so yes September is a significant month for me - but I've never really thought about it like that - last Sunday - September the 2nd - was my Dad's birthday - which was poignant - for my Mum - and maybe me as well - and as Gilly pointed out - Jim has now left Liverpool - and I might also have a bit of a twinge of empty nest syndrome - and it's also often hard to do what I do - whatever that is!

Ok - I will accept some of this - but not all of it!

Thinking about it - I now don't have anyone to tell how I am really feeling  - except maybe Gilly and you my blogg readers.  Looking back the bit I miss  most - is having someone to tell my feelings too - as I would have told Chris how I felt - though actually I probably would not have told him - he would have told me - "What's up with you - you seem a bit miserable!!!!"

Ok - so at the moment I am a bit miserable - that's honest with myself - I feel quite lonely and on my own at the moment - I also feel better already - having written that!

Not certain why - maybe it is because it's September - though I am not convinced - but as I write a whole surge of  'How lucky am I' has just hit me - How lucky am I? to have had a person in my life that I was so close to - for over 30 years - that I didn't even need to tell that I was feeling a bit down - who just knew! Bufffff - I was just so blessed to have had that lovely man in my life for all those years. Maybe that's what I am feeling tonight - another level of loss - and if that's what I feel - that's good - I think it is important to FEEL.

So maybe I am just FEELING September - and maybe that's just a great place to be - even thought it is a bit raw - a bit painful - but I am alive and living a wonderful life - so now I must just be grateful, appreciate and be happy..... lucky, lucky me....

Being on my own.....

I have had a wonderful summer of being with people - Jimmy and Rachel here in my flat, being with people in Georgia and Spirithorse... but tonight I feel on my own....

I thought I would miss Jim - I was talking about it today with my Mum - as we walked companionably around Shakley Mere - a beautiful walk in the sunshine - both of us counting our blessings and being together - a truly lovely afternoon - we then went to Booths supermarket and Mum enjoyed me food shopping - both of us taking pleasure in the small things... Usually I would have had Jim for a meal - breakfast or tea - at least once in a week - and my shopping seemed very singular on this occasion.

But maybe I feel like this because this time last week I was in the Pennant Valley - immersed in the Spirithorse community - nurtured and enriched by just being there - surrounded by many beautiful people that I am honoured to call my friends - another family - richness indeed.

So I hesitate to even recognise that I feel on my own - but at the same time I think I should. I am so amazingly blessed - absolutely no question about that - bufffff - I have been given so much - my life is so rich and varied - that to even feel on my own seems like an indulgence! I think the more you are given - the more appreciative and grateful you should be - and I have been given so much - it is not easy to be uneasy with it all.

I have just looked back at this blogg - and it sounds a bit of a moan! However tonight I do feel a bit restless - but I think that's OK - there is so much change going on in the world at the moment - that I think I should just recognise that the opportunity to stop  - and to become closer with myself is actually a huge gift!

Home and happy...

...after a truly beautiful few days in the Valley - so I have just spent time with my Spirithorse family - wild, wonderful and deep days and nights.

I was thinking about the woman who went there for the first time three years ago - and I can see much of my growth has been triggered by events involving Spirithorse. The journies to India and Georgia included -  but just being in the Valley nourishes and feeds me - it also challenges me - making me peel back more and more layers of the onion skin within. Holding my heart gently as I take steps into the unknown.

Not always easy - but these last few days have been rich with a joyful certainty. So I have come back feeling very full, warm and profoundly happy - deep inside of me - glowing with happiness. Sometimes being there can be a bit over-whelming and although I can see/feel the shifts and changes - they are settling into place gently.

I had made it my intention to explore how my conscious mind could work with my intuition - and although I need to do more work on this - I just loved the clarity that I felt, as things unfolded for me, realisations that resonated with both my heart and my mind. 

So back home to a Jimmy less Liverpool, memories of the very special party that marked his departure last weekend. Four generations of our family and many dear friends filling this little flat with laughter and best wishes. A big step for him being marked and celebrated with love, wonderful.

I am just so blessed to be living this rich abundance of a life!

I've been singing!!!!!

.....now that was unexpected!!!!

Well - when I got the invite to sing with a choir for 2 weeks in Georgia - I knew I had to do it - but I really didn't know about the singing - I thought I couldn't sing - I hadn't sung since I was at secondary school and I also believed that I couldn't sing in tune - BUT I CAN AND I DID!!!!!!

It was fantastic - on so many levels - just being in Georgia with easy, lovely people -  having a purpose - to learn songs in Georgian - to travel in a most amazingly beautiful country - laughing in a minibus as it rocked and swayed over high mountains on un-tarmacked roads, avoiding cows as they stood stubbornly on the busier roads, clambering out to see monasteries with centuries old frescoes, staying in real people's houses and  eating huge feasts of amazing food..... tasting and toasting with wines  made in traditional ways, rich with the sun and full of life and....... singing, singing, singing - WHAT A JOY!!!!!!!

OK - so I had a good holiday!!! The warmth and recollection of it is still very close to my heart - making me smile right down to my toes!!!!!!!

I got back last Saturday after travelling through Friday night  - in time for Nita's 50th Birthday - which was a wonderful and happy pub party - with singing - Karaoke - I didn't push my newly found skill though - clear in the understanding that sacred Georgian chanting is not really going to go down well in a Liverpool city pub at 1 in the morning!!

The beautiful connection to the Georgian singing - of course - was Chris- I knew he liked Georgian chanting/singing - but to be honest I don't think I knew what that meant - he listened to it - but he didn't play it to the family - so although I knew it was music close to his heart - I didn't really know what it was - and then I find myself - singing this beautiful music with the backdrop of snow covered mountains - higher than the Alps - in the company of singers who understood the sacredness - not from a knowledge of the words - but from a shared recognition of the beauty of the music - the purity - audible in the harmony of joyful voices -singing together. That's what it was - joyful - the joy of opening your mouth (heart) with others - bufff - I think anyone can sing!

So now I am home - I am still amazed at myself - Chris died nearly 6 years ago - and I am now so very different - in so many ways - I call myself a dancer - and now I can say I am a singer - a singer of Georgian songs - wow, wow, wow!!!!!

I think the very clear message here is that we are ALL singers and dancers - if we let ourselves be............

Am home alone tonight as Jim and Rachel have gone to London today - Jim leaves Liverpool for Leiden on the 22nd  of August - a big step for him....

And I am me - happy to be home - just had a lovely chat with my Mum - reflecting on her legacy - visible in her children and grandchildren.....  busy at work, reporting on SiS Catalyst... things you have to do... grateful for the opportunities it is giving me  - and now it is time for my tea - Jim's spaghetti bolognaise  - how blessed am I??????

Blogging.....

I haven't been blogging much recently - a combination of being away, internet connections and I just seem to have been so busy.... not complaining - I am living an amazing life - someone sent me a text today which said: 'Your life style is so bright and fulfilling. Great stuff. One exciting life. Enjoy! xxx' And it is true I am living a bright and fulfilling life - consciously - because I do feel very aware of how blessed I am - I could use the word lucky but I don't think it is luck - it feels much more like a 'blessing' - a smiling of the Universe on me. I have been thinking a lot about this - How much of this have I made myself and how much have I been given?

I am obviously very fortunate to have been born ME - to fall into my Father's hands - literally - to have been the third sister of four - in such a close and loving family - to have been with one beautiful man for over 30 years - to have three truly amazing sons - to have the job that I have - and to have a clarity of mission - I live my life with a real sense of purpose..... I am trying to change the world - of course! And I do know we must work together to do this - so how can I feel anything other than absolutely and amazingly blessed!

I also don't feel alone -which is quite a new feeling and so important  - I am now connected to many people who understand - and their numbers grow all the time - how cool is that! When I am with them - I don't need to explain that it's OK to be happy, life is such a gift - every awe inspiring breath that we make - is just that - a gift..... and they understand because they are living their life in the same way - and it's just joyous.......

Does than mean that there are never hard moments - No - only this week I went down......... for a short period of time .... but I went to that place..... the: What's the point and purpose of anything place... but it was OK - I went there - I recognised it - but I didn't take it on board... and by doing that I was able to come back up to the surface - as that's what it felt like - coming up from deep water to the surface - swimming up - catching my breath and feeling that joy of breathing - seeing the world anew...... the point where the air and the water meet being the point of duality.

I had a lovely conversation at my Mum's today with Evie and Michael - where we recognised that if you think positively then what you get is positive - and looking at my Mum glowing from a cruise holiday in Norway - she visibly proved the point!

So my bright and fulfilled life continues - Jimmy and Rachel staying at mine til Jim moves to Leiden next month - the poignant joy of his graduation this week - bufffff - it was a beautiful and rich day - I felt and recognised Chris so strongly all the way through - of course - Jim is our child....

Then this week - lots of stuff to do at work - then on Thursday I go to Vienna for meetings - followed by a fortnight singing in Georgia - extraordinary - I have never sung since at school. Chris loved Georgian singing - and next week I am going to be singing and performing with a choir - our teachers will be Georgian, from that amazing culture of music - and we will be staying with families - wow, wow, wow... where did this one come from....... was it luck that I got a phone call a few months ago asking me to go - or a connection - I don't think that matters - I think what is important is that I said YES - instantly - living my life on the basis that if the door is opened - GO THROUGH IT - you don't get a second chance....

I do live a bright and fulfilled life - and I am just so thankful for it - but is it luck or responding positively to what we are offered?