Boxing Day evening

With the wonder of wireless we have been online courtesy of an unknown neighbour of my parents – the technology of which is a bit difficult to explain - and a complete mystery to my Mum and Dad!

It’s now Boxing Day and the boys are watching Match of the Day and my parents and I have retired to bed. Christmas has been good – we had fun at my sister Ann’s yesterday and a good day today at my parents. My Mum has just come into my room and given me a cuddle and asked if I was alright and I said yes and how much easier it was this year. She was very pleased – for me – I think – but thinking about it – from her point of view last year must also have been so difficult.

She is pretty amazing - coping with being 87 and coming to terms with her own mortality as well as the discomfort of old age. She is also living her life as the wife of a wonderful man that that she has been married to for over 61 years and whom she loves dearly but a man that is now 90 and deaf and though extraordinarily on the ball - very deaf.

My Dad got a bit emotional at tea tonight as he recalled my Mum when she was Bryony’s age and argued with his boss in the Officers Mess in Nuremberg in Germany in 1945. They have lived long and full lives.

Parents are funny cos you love them so dearly yet your relationship with them is so based on your childhood – I am at who I am because of my parents – and yet I am who I am for other reasons – in my case because of Chris and being the mother of my boys and doing what I do etc etc But I am only these things because I am my parents child.

Bit of a circular statement that – but I think I am moving towards recognising the deep and irreplaceable love that I have for my parents and that they have for me – but at the same time trying to recognise their vulnerability as people – their age – their foibles – I type this and feel so amazingly lucky that they are still alive – still a force in their own unique right – still so present in my life. Last year I couldn’t recognise this cos I was too wrapped up in myself but this year I can and do.

Don’t know if I can do more to show them I love them – make them proud – I’ll try.

Anyway – tomorrow I go home and I can honestly say that I have really enjoyed the last couple of days – I didn’t really expect to - and I can’t say I was looking forward to it - but it has been family at its best.

Christmas 2007

It’s Sunday morning and again I don’t feel up for a run – I’m really missing them but I’m so full of head cold that I don’t think it would be a good idea – so I thought I’d do my blogg and wake up the boys and see who wants to take the dog with me. Alex is home and Aziz and Jamal are asleep downstairs on the new sofa bed.

Gilly and Perry are both calling in today, to pick up boys and presents and then the boys and I will go over to my parents for Christmas – though only when I have got myself sorted - have been Christmas shopping with boys both Friday and yesterday to supplement the rather bizarre collection of knitting and online gift giving!

Have looked back at my blogg from this time last year – and can see how my life is more on an even keel this year. I’m full of cold and a bit dysfunctional about some aspects of Christmas but less emotional. Last year I was still very much that little ship in the sea full of emotional mines!

Have a busy couple of weeks of family and friends to look forward to and think I should try and get myself into a mindset which makes the most of this time. It’s a holiday from work but also a time for me to get myself set up for the new year, which will be a very busy one. Also I think I’m a bit run down physically – what with colds and viruses etc. So a time to get myself both emotionally and physically stronger.

So dear reader – I know some of you but not all - but thanks for reading – the blogg has been and is a very important part of my healing process. May you have a peaceful Christmas and I’m sure I’ll meet most of you in the New Year one way or another!

Rob is thirty!!

Tonight we had a lovely dinner/tea for Rob as he is thirty tomorrow – going to London to do what he wants to do to celebrate/recognise this. I can’t believe that I am the mother of a thirty year old son – Rob can’t believe that he is thirty! Like any milestone - we all miss Chris tonight as it’s one of those things.

But and always a but – the road to tonight was much more emotional than the night – we actually had a lovely night – joined by Gilly, Becki and Lara – we all, laughed and laughed – my lovely boys sparking from each other being fed jokes/humour from the rest of us. Good time and lovely – they all then went to the pub and Gilly and I reflected on the first ‘dinner around the table’ – 3 sons, Gilly and I just over a year ago – and pretty grim – but tonight a year plus on was light and funny – yes there was the 30 issue but that was normal – and yes we missed Chris – but more in the build up than in the reality – we are all moving on……

Christmas ambivalence

I have been ‘neutral’ to Christmas for quite a few years now – cherishing and relishing the mid winter break – the opportunity to have a holiday from work and to spend good time with my family – the focus moving from my children to my parents over the last few years. Having the money and experience to be able to cook dinner for large family groups and to give presents with out too much hassle. But for several years I have struggled with the ‘demands’ of Christmas, card sending and receiving and the prevalent expected excess and I suppose the nasty commercialisation of the whole thing.

Anyway – apart from that - last year was pretty horrible – a major First and thinking back I was pretty much still in zombie mode. I have been surprised to find that this year I am again struggling – I was talking to Ruth today – and she echoed many of my thoughts – she’s three months ahead of me as Mike died in the July but we share so many things and thoughts.

Feel quite intolerant of the superficiality of Christmas – am quite looking forward to sending time with my parents and boys – and looking forward to my sister Ann, Max and Bryony also being there – good things – time with family. Not coping well with the concept of Christmas especially cards – haven’t sent any and am not certain if I will.

Chris and I had also been able to go away on our own for New Year for several years – so the not having that any more is a tangible loss.

But just need to appreciate how fortunate I am and to not feel ashamed of these thoughts. Good friends don’t need cards to remind them that I treasure them being in my life – and after this last year I really do treasure and value them – and I do think I need to ensure that I tell them somehow.

Emotional week

I suppose it's because I have been physically down and emotionally a bit battered this week that I have been thinking a lot - suppose we all think a lot all the time but sometimes you are to busy to see your thoughts.

Also have had to re-assess my relationship with Jimmy - he's in danger of losing the plot at school and I have been hesitant or possibly too self absorbed or even fearful of getting too bossy with him.

This week we have had a wake up call – timing was bad – for me as I was emotional before – probably because I was ill.

Alex and Rob came to the rescue in their own ways – Rob by being here and sorting stuff like the broken plug and taking the dog. Alex for being very firm and telling both Jim and me to get our acts together. Things which needed saying – to both of us.

So the end of a emotional week during which I have thought a lot and felt lost and lonely but like always very supported – friends phoning and emailing – not even knowing I’m down but just because they do!

Anyway have been thinking a lot and obviously thinking about Chris – it’s when you don’t know what to do - that you really miss talking to someone who knows everything there is to know about you.

Woke up early this morning – not sleeping well at the moment and opened a book straight to this poem – which was quite weird. I have been thinking about whether Chris was really ‘ready to die’ in a strange sort of way – and this poem made me think that he was – he died as ‘old as you can be to die a young man’s death’. He crammed so much into his life – but he also took time to relish and cherish the small things in life – the shared cup of coffee – the ‘hand crafted worksheet’ – the preparation of a meal - but he lived every second of his life - with the reality of his disability and he really really did not want to be a dependent old man.

I must accept that the timing was right for Chris to die - but it's hard when you are trying to do your best for your children. I think I can do me - but I can only hope I'm getting it right for the boys and especially Jimmy at the moment.

I feel the need to take things a bit more slowly for a bit – not much use to anyone when I’m like this. Here’s the poem:

"Let me not see old age"

Let me not see old age: Let me not hear

The proffered help, the mumbled sympathy,

The well-meant tactful sophistries that mock

Pathetic husks who once were strong and free,

And in youth's fickle triumph laughed and sang,

Loved, and were foolish; and at the close have seen

The fruits of folly garnered, and that love,

Tamed and encaged, stale into grey routine.

Let me not see old age; I am content

With my few crowded years; laughter and strength

And song have lit the beacon of my life.

Let me not see it fade, but when the long

September shadows steal across the square,

Grant me this wish: they may not find me there.

by

D.R Geraint Jones

But poetry wont take the dog for a walk so time to get up and to get on with life and to make the most of my few crowded years!

Feel better now I'm ill!

Have felt rotten for the last few days and don't think I've been coping at all - struggling, weepy and just absolutely exhausted. So I was pleased with myself when I recognised last night that I was sick - I think it's the virus that everyone seems to have had recently. Like all these things they attack you where you are most vulnerable - and strangely or perhaps not strangely I felt the effect emotionally rather than physically.

Anyway now I have recognised that I'm sick - I am off work for a couple of days and feel physically pretty shitty but mentally a lot happier!

So I shall stick to the sofa and knit and have a quiet weekend - and hopefully I will feel better next week - both physically and psychologically - hope so - am sure so really - as the understanding that it's a virus has cheered me up significantly!

not many bloggs - a good sign!

Its Friday night and I’ve been to the pub with Rob for a couple of pints after a particularly exhausting week. Read my emails and am happy that Christmas, New Year and my birthday are now all boxed off!

Went to Leeds for two meetings on Tuesday and then went to dinner with Alex and Lara which was the first for the three of us but hopefully only one of many more meals together in the future.

Then the rest of the week has been a mad combination of work and Americans – quite a common combination in my world!

Haven’t got a lot of any major blogging thoughts tonight – the combination of tiredness and beer have left me fairly shattered but not unhappy.

So it’s November – December in a couple of hours but as everyone seems to be knackered at the moment - I think ‘m probably doing OK!

Saturday morning

.....and I just though I'd look at what I wrote last evening and then I thought I'd look at this time last year. So I'm sitting with tears running down my face as I have just re-visited where I was last year.

How does this make me feel - proud of myself in a sad sort of way because, and I know so many people have much worse things happen to them, but losing your partner of 35 years, a man that I loved dearly and to whom I was very close to, the father of my lovely three boys and dear friend of my dear friends - that is a pretty big thing to happen and so suddenly - looking back at the blogg I can see that I was still in shock this time last year and that Jimmy was even deeper in shock.

So I am proud of myself because as can be seen in the last few months bloggs I'm OK really, bit up and down but just getting on with life. Just looking back at the challenges I set myself a year ago:

Reading several books cover to cover,
Being able to watch/listen to the news,
Buying a newspaper and reading more than the sudoku,
Sleeping better,
Going to the supermarket and doing a proper weekly shop

Realistic and achievable for Tricia then - but I think the time has come to set myself some new challenges for my new future. I don't know what these are yet but I will think about them and blogg them when I'm ready!

Now it's time to take the dog for a walk and to pick up my parcel of wool from the sorting office - and maybe think about challenges and then have breakfast with Jim and maybe Rob. My good life!

Friday night thoughts

It’s Friday night and on my own - and feeling a bit lonely – so turned to my blogg and noticed that I haven’t posted a blogg for nearly two weeks – and that makes me think that the last two weeks have been busy and OK – so that’s good!

I was ­away last night in Manchester, I enjoyed the company of friends/colleagues – some from a way back - but apart from that, not done much apart from work, quite into my knitting at the moment – had Jim, Les, Rob and Gilly for Sunday dinner last week – and have been dancing – oh yes and went out last week on Thursday and Friday – and had Aziz and Jamal on Saturday - so on reflection been quite busy. That’s what I like about my blogg – makes me reflect on what I have been up to – and on reflection have been busy – quite happy and just getting on with things.

So it’s Friday night and feeling a bit lonely – but probably because I’m a bit knackered after quite a busy couple of weeks!

Noticed it's my 200th blogg - which made me think the about the last 14 months - a long time but not really - glad I'm a year plus on - last year was very hard but I do feel that I am coming to terms with having a different future than I anticipated.

Sunday night

Nice week-end - Alex has been home and on Saturday I visited my Mum and Dad’s. Am now slobbing on the sofa with the dog snoring in front of the coal fire.

Jim spend some of Friday evening going round in a Police CCTV van – but the weather was so foul there was no-one on the street. I think he was quite relieved as he didn’t actually want to recognise anyone. I took him to get the stitches out on Friday and the wound is well on the way to healing – he will have a scar but we are both putting it behind us.

Alex has had Jimmy working on Maths and Physics all weekend which is good. He is still finding them hard but Alex says he’s much more on top of them – I feel a bit out of it as I can’t help him – though I suppose I am supporting him in lots of other ways.

Feeling less down this weekend - but coming to terms with having a post Chris low period. Last year was such an emotional roller coaster – wasn’t really certain where I was – so it’s been quite good to recognise that I have been ‘down’ – and that’s something very normal.

Growing up..........

Well – it’s Saturday night – I have had an easy evening at Gilly’s drinking wine, watching TV and talking.

Reflecting on the last week – I feel it has made both Jimmy and me grow up! There is this myth that 54 year olds are ‘grown up’ the reality is that we never ‘grow up’ – I think my 87 and 90 year old parents would agree with this.

OK - with age comes experience, knowledge and some wisdom but the bottom line is we are all learning and some weeks we learn more than others!

Last week has been really hard but I am so proud of all three of my sons – all of whom have helped me and each other in a wonderful, natural way.

Ayway - I wanted to go out tonight – if only to show Jim that I wasn’t going to stay on the sofa every night knitting!

So I’m home – blogging – Jim’s out with his mates. I have just noticed that the jeans that he wore that night – the ones that I washed immediately because I wanted rid of the blood stains – not thinking about the police asking for them – have gone.

So I’m here and Jim’s out – wearing his jeans with their new un-designer cut! His way of facing what happened – and I must find my own way – which I am sure I will…..

Scary Halloween

Halloween was genuinely scary this year as I received a call from the Dad of Jim’s friend to say he had been jumped on by a gang of youths and stabbed in the leg.

He was close by and I got him to hospital quite quickly. The actual wound is not too bad – he had three stitches and will have a sore leg for a few days. He had been on his way to a party when he and his friend had been attacked by a gang of about 9 lads who had chased his mate, Jimmy had stood up to them and they ‘learned him a lesson’ by getting him against a wall and stabbing him in his leg.

So Jim and I, joined by Rob, spent a couple of hours in the Royal’s A&E Department. As this was where Chris died, and at one point Rob and I were waiting in the same corridor, it was fairly upsetting.

Jim seemed fine last night and Rob’s coming round this morning and is going to contact the police. There is no way that Jim could identify them as it was dark and they wore hoodies but Rob is emphatic that it needs to be recorded and he is right.

So I think it’s fair to say that this has not been a good week.

Treacle week

Finding things really hard this week … walking through treacle and just feeling down.. the worse bit is that is Jim is down too and I don’t know how to help – he says he’s ‘fine’ but I know and can see he’s not – worrying because I feel low that I am making too much of it – or even causing his being down. Can’t say we are talking much about it – had a bit of a to do tonight and ended friends but fairly un-communicative friends – he got quite angry when I said I was down too… and that it was OK to feel low sometimes – and then I felt worse for telling him – but you do your best – and that’s all I can do.

The computer has also had a serious breakdown – possibly caused or causing our depression! Jim’s worried he’s lost all his music and I’m worried I’ve lost all my photographs.

So it’s Tuesday evening and we both feel shitty – he’s finding it hard to get to sleep and I’m finding it hard to stay asleep – so are both watching the night – overlapping.

So.. doing my best to be positive… but finding it hard – but this seems a different kind of low to the bereavement feelings – it seems like a ‘normal’ lowness but just a bad dose! So I shall look at this as just another stage to go through – and I have been feeling quite good recently so I suppose I can’t expect a linear path – am worried about Jim though but I’m his Mum and I should worry about him.

A bit down but dancing

Have felt a bit low this week – but a sort of normal time of the year lowness – probably because I was also so busy for the last couple of weeks. Went out with Gilly for tapas on Thursday and we cheered each other up as she too was a bit low.

Yesterday I went to dance workshop and danced for over 5 hours. It was wonderful and just what I needed. Today Gilly, Fiona, Aziz and I are going to walk through some woods to see the autumn colours before they all fall off the trees. It will be wet though as it’s pouring with rain but the dog will enjoy it!

.....busy,busy

Very busy week – I love things like the Staff Tour – but they are exhausting – didn’t go with group to the Netherlands so met Gilly at Estabans early last night but had to leave early as was falling asleep.

Yesterday would have been Chris’s birthday – and it was fine – we have moved on so far in a year – I have just looked back at my blogg for that time and I can see it. This time last year I was just starting to think about going back to work and was in a hard place – a year on I’m me, working normally, much more comfortable in being on my own and so much lighter. Living my life.

Alex came home last night but I didn’t see him because I was in bed – and I have Aziz and Jamal coming shortly, so Rob will bring the papers round and I will make a giant breakfast for 5 boys and we will do the quiz and laugh. My life and a good one.

Busy, busy

At the end of a busy week and the start of a busy weekend – with 17 Americans and 1 Croatian currently travelling to Liverpool! Work is very busy and not just for me – we are a very busy team!

Feel I am coping well at work – not having the blank panics that I had when I first went back – but now I’m a year on I don’t think have any excuse – this is quite an interesting thought as I have been able to give myself an excuse for the last year and could justify any mistakes I made. But not any more! Think I need to watch tiredness – as I am working full-time and although sleeping OK I often wake very early – but that’s life and I do know how lucky I am.

Jimmy has started to talk about holidays next year – there is a group planning inter-railing and another something more packaged. Jim thinks there needs to be someone who sorts out all the planning and the money etc and as he then spent a while on the computer costing train tickets etc I think he could be the one!

Now I have to think about myself – I was protected by boys this summer – but next summer I’ll be on my own – not too worried about that but it does require me to think through what I want to do sooner rather than later. Which I can do. Time to walk the dog and greet Americans!

last first - hopefully!

Yesterday was my last first – the first anniversary of Chris’s funeral – I don’t think I have any more really significant firsts to do – I am now on seconds!

Funnily enough I had my hair cut yesterday – and Paula – who knows where I am - as she lost her mother and brother within a week last December – we recalled that I had had my hair done on the day of Chris’s funeral. I remember not being able to speak - so full of emotion – so a year on very different.

Doug and Sue were here on Friday night – on their way to Scotland – as Dougie’s mum died this summer and Sue’s sister has just had heart surgery. It was lovely to see them and we had a proper Friday night out with other friends – very enjoyable.

Today is Alex’s 24th birthday – spoke to him earlier – he had had a special lunch with Lara and was walking it off – he had a horrible birthday last year but like me – he is moving on.

Jim and I had tea and a bit of a row – which was actually quite a good row – as we both explained to each other what was pissing us of about what the other had said. Pretty grown up for a mum and a 17 year old!

I went shopping today and bought yet more jeans/trousers as I have gone from a size 16 to a size 12 in a year! I was looking at photos earlier on today and don’t think I looked fat – I did look happy if bigger – but hopefully I will appear in photos now happy but thinner!

Feel good and really OK – don’t know yet if I am happy – still trying to cope with being the post Chris Tricia – not quite ready to do happy - the photo 2005 – of me and Renata on a boat off the Croatian coast – I look very very happy – and thinking back I was – Chris and I did good holidays and we were happy.

But thinking deeper was Chris happy – yes I think he was on one level – but on another level I don’t know if he ever did ‘happy’. He did pleasure and enjoyment and he certainly did appreciation – but he wasn’t nicknamed ‘Damper’ for no reason – he never did happy in the way that I did/do.

So a year on – glad my last first is over – thinking a lot about good friends who loved and miss Chris – thinking about my boys – working out who they are – understanding this because I have never found the answers to that!

Appreciating what I had….

A rather emotional day – Alex back from Africa, cooking a great gynormous breakfast for 5 lovely boys , and still feeling raw after this week – and then flowers and chocolates from lovely people.

Thought about what I miss/long for – I have lost part of myself this last year and it has taken me a year to recognise it. I think it’s because I am moving on and wanting to be a whole woman again, that I see now that my extremes have gone – I can be myself – and am getting better at that – but the real me – the more extreme good and bad me – is not visible. Chris was the one person in the world that I could be me at my extreme – good and bad!

This has come as a bit of a revelation to me – the new ‘self sufficient’ Tricia – doesn’t argue as much as she used to – with anyone!

I suppose the fact that I could and did argue/debate with Chris everything/anything – gave me a release – we didn’t just talk – we did argue – we did talk about everything to each other – and yes sometimes we would shout at each other - extremes - I could be good and/or bad.

Now I am middle of the road!

Tonight I just feel such a strong longing to be able to argue/discuss/debate/shout/laugh with someone and I suppose I mean Chris.

I am surrounded by wonderful family, friends, colleagues and I miss being argumentative – I suppose I am just missing the Chris Tricia –and I also know I will just have to get used to it.

Tonight I did have a bit of a wobble with sons – I don’t want to do this – but maybe I have to be a bit more honest with myself and let myself feel the extremes again – though slowly.

OK let's get on with living!

Re-read my morbid blog of last night - and after a night's sleep I watched the large clock face click round from 06:00 to 06:21 - and so that's it now - Chris has been dead for over a year and we must just get on with our lives.

Have been surprised how the last three days have hit me - but I also think that I let myself be hit! A good thing I think for a few days to let myself be morbid and weepy - but now I have decided that it's time to get back to where I was last week.

So blessing counting - that's easy - big breath and time to take the dog for a walk - the computer and dog's bowels also had a major dysfunction this week - but that's life too!

I feel much lighter now - and I'm so glad I've got the year milestone out of the way - time for the post Chris Tricia to get on with her life - it's a good one.

Tonight - is the night

A year ago tonight – I sat with my lovely husband Chris and watched him die – and I cry as type this. Big breath – I am very aware this was not something that I did on my own – my three sons sat that night and saw their father die.

How hard is this to type – after a few glasses of wine - hard but what I have to do.

Today has been OK – hard but realistic - Gilly and I had a day – going down town - superficially shopping – eating mussels and drinking white wine. Talking – we sat in the garden – a year to the minute and enjoyed – laughed – did what I wanted to do- thanks Gilly. Sitting in the garden I talked later to the Heyhursts – what can I say – thank you – I am struggling with everything today –but I’m not going to tell my sons.