Back home and it's Friday

It's Friday night and I'm pretty shattered after a long day at work but not complaining after having a lovely week away and now being very happy to be at home. Jimmy seems to have coped well in my absence and cooked well for himself - Rob was around - full of cold/flu but reassuringly present. My and Jim's new life has evolved as Jim grows older and we both get used to living without Chris/Dad.

This one paragraph blogg has taken me ages to write as my tiredness has really kicked in - it's Friday night and it has been a very very long week. Tomorrow I will hopefully sleep in and then do very little for the rest of the weekend - sounds good to me!



Reminding myself where I've been - back to the mantra - how lucky am I!

My birthday in Varazdin

Has been amazing!

In 1999 I found the FOI webcam when planning our first holiday in Croatia, and now 9 years on - I'm in my dear friend Renata's flat having had a wonderful day visiting a castle followed by lunch at Blazenka's after yeterday being treated to a birthday dinner at Violetta's - and Margaret and I are here to work - which between all the eating and talking about families, friends and the meaning of life we are doing!

I have no idea how my life and Varazdin have become so embroiled - but the reality is - it has and I am just so amazed and appreciative of this.

What more can I say....................

A how lucky am I blogg

It's very late and I have had just had a lovely lovely evening. Unexpected and arranged by Gilly - birthday meal at the Red Fort - 16 of us - and then drinks afterwards - and then I'm off to Amsterdam and Croatia tomorrow - just felt quite over whelmed by the love and affection of tonight.

It was in some ways the fact it was so unexpected that the amazingnuss of being with friends and being the focus of such a happy night was genuinely amazing

I know that I gain so much from my friends/family - but also being the centre of it tonight made me feel so loved - which is about as fortunate that any one person can feel.

How lucky am I?

Getting excited about the year to come!

I did so much the right thing by having this last week off and getting myself ready for the year to come. Did mundane stuff - like painting toilets - both of which are now repainted - though probably look very similar to what they did - which is OK - it's like my life - I know it's very different thought on the surface might look the same - but it's actually very different - but I also know the work this involves!

Anyway the time off and being on my own - painting etc was very good for me as it enabled me to think through my priorities for the next year. Made a few important decisions - though only about things that I can make decisions about - I also know that I must be prepared for the unexpected - but the chance to have some quiet time on my own has been very very good.

Had a lovely conversation with Sue tonight after inviting her to join my world for a week next September - a good decision which has added to both of our lives.

Then phone coversation with Nita - planning a weekend away - which she so much needs.

Boys are around - Peri's choir is part of the opening the new Liverpool Arena tonight - but I am very happy to be at home with the boys - Aziz watching 'Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon' - intently - Jamal is playing hand held computer game and pretending to watch - Jim's out at another 18th birthday.

We have had a good day - boys dropped off early because of Arena gig - so they came with me for dog walk in the park - followed by a Rob led Guardian quiz - I did breakfast - my favourite thing to do - and we did well in the quiz - which was nice - and then unusually for me - I felt at a bit of a loose end so I took the boys to the cinema.

My birthday on Saturday - and when out last night it was decided by Gilly - that we would all go out next Thursday night for a curry at the Red Fort - then off to Amsterdam/Croatia/Slovenia on Friday - work stuff but involving some of my favourite people - how lucky am I?

Bitter sweet thoughts

You only know what you have to lose when you have lost it – I have been so fortunate all my life – I haven’t had to face loss – parents still alive – married at 21 – 3 lovely boys and the love of a good man – all my problems have been really small – because I have just been too busy getting on with life.

I now feel that all aspects of my life are so precious – my health, my family, my friends, my lovely job – these are so much day to day acceptances of mine and yet so very very priceless.

As I look back at my past and as I start to see a future - I have such an over whelming sense of the need to cherish everything. Time is so short.

These thoughts also help me understand Chris more. His childhood and adolescence – the only very late child of elderly parents – who then so nearly died at 13 and then lived with constant and intense pain – gave him an huge understanding and love for life which I feel that I am only now starting to understand.

Bitter sweet thoughts and yes I do feel some regret – I wish I understood more whilst Chris was still alive – but also understand that I only know what I do now because he has died – but also because he had lived.

I thought about writing these things tonight and was aware that some readers are much younger than me – I thought - should I say what I think and feel and understand? - and then I remembered that you only understand things when you are ready. Chris’s knowledge is there for us all to understand but we probably only will when we are ready……

Terms of reference

Jimmy is watching something horrible on the telly – and having watched Sense and Sensibility with me earlier – it’s his choice - so I have opted for bed - to read my book/write blogg.

It is Sunday nights and I have been a whirling painting dervish all day/weekend – have now stripped, prepared, papered and bought paint and bits etc for both toilets – emulsion day tomorrow and both will be complete.

I recall doing something similar in my other life – but with Chris as ground crew and back up. Had a classic ‘out of my depth’ moment with tiles today – 4 tiny ones on a window sill in the upstairs toilet – needing replacement because they had broken – sorted in the end with slightly too large tiles from the shed – because they didn’t need cutting – a task just beyond Jim and I - though we did have a go – Jim was up for it but starting with old tiles was just too difficult – and I wasn’t prepared to buy new tiles – because I didn’t know how to cut them – and I knew we had some already. Anyway final result is idiosyncratic but OK - but as Jim said – it’s only a toilet!

It is only a toilet but it will also probably not get re-painted for several/many years and they needed doing. So I have nearly done them and am so far pleased with my efforts – the easy bit - the laminated post cards look great (they were the easy bit) though I have still not decided how to put them back on the walls. I’m toying with the glue gun - it’s these kind of small decisions – which tool – glue gun choice - that I really miss Chris. I have also been searching through the tools in the cupboard today as part of this process - and feel I should get rid of all of those that I don’t now what their purpose is. Chris was a man for first principal DIY – I was the labourer – together we made a great team! But I have done it with a somewhat bemused labourer Jim – so that’s good.

The process – which seemed to involve a lot of painting pipes – inaccessibly located behind toilets has given me time to think – and in many ways I wish I had started this blogg two or more years before Chris died because then I could make more realistic comparisons of my life pre and post Chris. I have painted the same inaccessible pipes before - but what was I thinking then?

So pleased that the toilets will be painted and hopefully look OK – they are only toilets after all – but also recognise that I take sole responsibility for them. Do feel a bit on my own through the whole process and that’s because I am.

Anyway my reflections whilst doing it was – what was I thinking before in similar times and I don’t think I know the answer to that! I do feel that I am a different person now – more thoughtful – though after all painting toilet is just that - painting a toilet – but sometimes it does involve more reflection!

2008

A new year starts today, my second without Chris.

I had a lovely New Year’s eve with Paul and Sue, two of my dearest dearest friends. We all went to the Kimberley Club, taking Kipper with us. He behaved beautifully despite the fireworks. I obviously thought about Chris a lot particularly in the Kimberley Club which he would have enjoyed so much, especially the pies (assorted) with proper mushy peas! But Chris is now a memory – he will always be an intrinsic part of me, because I am who I am because of Chris – but he has gone and we all have to move on.

So 2008 is underway and I think I am ready for it. I’m glad I’m taking more leave next week as I want to get the house sorted. I went through a necessary sorting and clearing out stage in the couple of months after Chris died and then a bathroom and kitchen stage last year but I feel the time has come for me to go to the next level – particularly in the backroom which is a real mess. I thought I would also paint the downstairs toilet – preserving the postcards in laminate. The dining room also needs doing and the hall and landing carpet – though maybe not all of that next week.!

I watched the birds in Paul and Sue’s garden this morning as I did at my Mum’s house and thought I’d put a picture of my all time favourite bird on my blogg – the long tailed tit. I didn’t take this photo but I wish I had – it is such a beautiful little bird.

Boxing Day evening

With the wonder of wireless we have been online courtesy of an unknown neighbour of my parents – the technology of which is a bit difficult to explain - and a complete mystery to my Mum and Dad!

It’s now Boxing Day and the boys are watching Match of the Day and my parents and I have retired to bed. Christmas has been good – we had fun at my sister Ann’s yesterday and a good day today at my parents. My Mum has just come into my room and given me a cuddle and asked if I was alright and I said yes and how much easier it was this year. She was very pleased – for me – I think – but thinking about it – from her point of view last year must also have been so difficult.

She is pretty amazing - coping with being 87 and coming to terms with her own mortality as well as the discomfort of old age. She is also living her life as the wife of a wonderful man that that she has been married to for over 61 years and whom she loves dearly but a man that is now 90 and deaf and though extraordinarily on the ball - very deaf.

My Dad got a bit emotional at tea tonight as he recalled my Mum when she was Bryony’s age and argued with his boss in the Officers Mess in Nuremberg in Germany in 1945. They have lived long and full lives.

Parents are funny cos you love them so dearly yet your relationship with them is so based on your childhood – I am at who I am because of my parents – and yet I am who I am for other reasons – in my case because of Chris and being the mother of my boys and doing what I do etc etc But I am only these things because I am my parents child.

Bit of a circular statement that – but I think I am moving towards recognising the deep and irreplaceable love that I have for my parents and that they have for me – but at the same time trying to recognise their vulnerability as people – their age – their foibles – I type this and feel so amazingly lucky that they are still alive – still a force in their own unique right – still so present in my life. Last year I couldn’t recognise this cos I was too wrapped up in myself but this year I can and do.

Don’t know if I can do more to show them I love them – make them proud – I’ll try.

Anyway – tomorrow I go home and I can honestly say that I have really enjoyed the last couple of days – I didn’t really expect to - and I can’t say I was looking forward to it - but it has been family at its best.

Christmas 2007

It’s Sunday morning and again I don’t feel up for a run – I’m really missing them but I’m so full of head cold that I don’t think it would be a good idea – so I thought I’d do my blogg and wake up the boys and see who wants to take the dog with me. Alex is home and Aziz and Jamal are asleep downstairs on the new sofa bed.

Gilly and Perry are both calling in today, to pick up boys and presents and then the boys and I will go over to my parents for Christmas – though only when I have got myself sorted - have been Christmas shopping with boys both Friday and yesterday to supplement the rather bizarre collection of knitting and online gift giving!

Have looked back at my blogg from this time last year – and can see how my life is more on an even keel this year. I’m full of cold and a bit dysfunctional about some aspects of Christmas but less emotional. Last year I was still very much that little ship in the sea full of emotional mines!

Have a busy couple of weeks of family and friends to look forward to and think I should try and get myself into a mindset which makes the most of this time. It’s a holiday from work but also a time for me to get myself set up for the new year, which will be a very busy one. Also I think I’m a bit run down physically – what with colds and viruses etc. So a time to get myself both emotionally and physically stronger.

So dear reader – I know some of you but not all - but thanks for reading – the blogg has been and is a very important part of my healing process. May you have a peaceful Christmas and I’m sure I’ll meet most of you in the New Year one way or another!

Rob is thirty!!

Tonight we had a lovely dinner/tea for Rob as he is thirty tomorrow – going to London to do what he wants to do to celebrate/recognise this. I can’t believe that I am the mother of a thirty year old son – Rob can’t believe that he is thirty! Like any milestone - we all miss Chris tonight as it’s one of those things.

But and always a but – the road to tonight was much more emotional than the night – we actually had a lovely night – joined by Gilly, Becki and Lara – we all, laughed and laughed – my lovely boys sparking from each other being fed jokes/humour from the rest of us. Good time and lovely – they all then went to the pub and Gilly and I reflected on the first ‘dinner around the table’ – 3 sons, Gilly and I just over a year ago – and pretty grim – but tonight a year plus on was light and funny – yes there was the 30 issue but that was normal – and yes we missed Chris – but more in the build up than in the reality – we are all moving on……

Christmas ambivalence

I have been ‘neutral’ to Christmas for quite a few years now – cherishing and relishing the mid winter break – the opportunity to have a holiday from work and to spend good time with my family – the focus moving from my children to my parents over the last few years. Having the money and experience to be able to cook dinner for large family groups and to give presents with out too much hassle. But for several years I have struggled with the ‘demands’ of Christmas, card sending and receiving and the prevalent expected excess and I suppose the nasty commercialisation of the whole thing.

Anyway – apart from that - last year was pretty horrible – a major First and thinking back I was pretty much still in zombie mode. I have been surprised to find that this year I am again struggling – I was talking to Ruth today – and she echoed many of my thoughts – she’s three months ahead of me as Mike died in the July but we share so many things and thoughts.

Feel quite intolerant of the superficiality of Christmas – am quite looking forward to sending time with my parents and boys – and looking forward to my sister Ann, Max and Bryony also being there – good things – time with family. Not coping well with the concept of Christmas especially cards – haven’t sent any and am not certain if I will.

Chris and I had also been able to go away on our own for New Year for several years – so the not having that any more is a tangible loss.

But just need to appreciate how fortunate I am and to not feel ashamed of these thoughts. Good friends don’t need cards to remind them that I treasure them being in my life – and after this last year I really do treasure and value them – and I do think I need to ensure that I tell them somehow.

Emotional week

I suppose it's because I have been physically down and emotionally a bit battered this week that I have been thinking a lot - suppose we all think a lot all the time but sometimes you are to busy to see your thoughts.

Also have had to re-assess my relationship with Jimmy - he's in danger of losing the plot at school and I have been hesitant or possibly too self absorbed or even fearful of getting too bossy with him.

This week we have had a wake up call – timing was bad – for me as I was emotional before – probably because I was ill.

Alex and Rob came to the rescue in their own ways – Rob by being here and sorting stuff like the broken plug and taking the dog. Alex for being very firm and telling both Jim and me to get our acts together. Things which needed saying – to both of us.

So the end of a emotional week during which I have thought a lot and felt lost and lonely but like always very supported – friends phoning and emailing – not even knowing I’m down but just because they do!

Anyway have been thinking a lot and obviously thinking about Chris – it’s when you don’t know what to do - that you really miss talking to someone who knows everything there is to know about you.

Woke up early this morning – not sleeping well at the moment and opened a book straight to this poem – which was quite weird. I have been thinking about whether Chris was really ‘ready to die’ in a strange sort of way – and this poem made me think that he was – he died as ‘old as you can be to die a young man’s death’. He crammed so much into his life – but he also took time to relish and cherish the small things in life – the shared cup of coffee – the ‘hand crafted worksheet’ – the preparation of a meal - but he lived every second of his life - with the reality of his disability and he really really did not want to be a dependent old man.

I must accept that the timing was right for Chris to die - but it's hard when you are trying to do your best for your children. I think I can do me - but I can only hope I'm getting it right for the boys and especially Jimmy at the moment.

I feel the need to take things a bit more slowly for a bit – not much use to anyone when I’m like this. Here’s the poem:

"Let me not see old age"

Let me not see old age: Let me not hear

The proffered help, the mumbled sympathy,

The well-meant tactful sophistries that mock

Pathetic husks who once were strong and free,

And in youth's fickle triumph laughed and sang,

Loved, and were foolish; and at the close have seen

The fruits of folly garnered, and that love,

Tamed and encaged, stale into grey routine.

Let me not see old age; I am content

With my few crowded years; laughter and strength

And song have lit the beacon of my life.

Let me not see it fade, but when the long

September shadows steal across the square,

Grant me this wish: they may not find me there.

by

D.R Geraint Jones

But poetry wont take the dog for a walk so time to get up and to get on with life and to make the most of my few crowded years!

Feel better now I'm ill!

Have felt rotten for the last few days and don't think I've been coping at all - struggling, weepy and just absolutely exhausted. So I was pleased with myself when I recognised last night that I was sick - I think it's the virus that everyone seems to have had recently. Like all these things they attack you where you are most vulnerable - and strangely or perhaps not strangely I felt the effect emotionally rather than physically.

Anyway now I have recognised that I'm sick - I am off work for a couple of days and feel physically pretty shitty but mentally a lot happier!

So I shall stick to the sofa and knit and have a quiet weekend - and hopefully I will feel better next week - both physically and psychologically - hope so - am sure so really - as the understanding that it's a virus has cheered me up significantly!

not many bloggs - a good sign!

Its Friday night and I’ve been to the pub with Rob for a couple of pints after a particularly exhausting week. Read my emails and am happy that Christmas, New Year and my birthday are now all boxed off!

Went to Leeds for two meetings on Tuesday and then went to dinner with Alex and Lara which was the first for the three of us but hopefully only one of many more meals together in the future.

Then the rest of the week has been a mad combination of work and Americans – quite a common combination in my world!

Haven’t got a lot of any major blogging thoughts tonight – the combination of tiredness and beer have left me fairly shattered but not unhappy.

So it’s November – December in a couple of hours but as everyone seems to be knackered at the moment - I think ‘m probably doing OK!

Saturday morning

.....and I just though I'd look at what I wrote last evening and then I thought I'd look at this time last year. So I'm sitting with tears running down my face as I have just re-visited where I was last year.

How does this make me feel - proud of myself in a sad sort of way because, and I know so many people have much worse things happen to them, but losing your partner of 35 years, a man that I loved dearly and to whom I was very close to, the father of my lovely three boys and dear friend of my dear friends - that is a pretty big thing to happen and so suddenly - looking back at the blogg I can see that I was still in shock this time last year and that Jimmy was even deeper in shock.

So I am proud of myself because as can be seen in the last few months bloggs I'm OK really, bit up and down but just getting on with life. Just looking back at the challenges I set myself a year ago:

Reading several books cover to cover,
Being able to watch/listen to the news,
Buying a newspaper and reading more than the sudoku,
Sleeping better,
Going to the supermarket and doing a proper weekly shop

Realistic and achievable for Tricia then - but I think the time has come to set myself some new challenges for my new future. I don't know what these are yet but I will think about them and blogg them when I'm ready!

Now it's time to take the dog for a walk and to pick up my parcel of wool from the sorting office - and maybe think about challenges and then have breakfast with Jim and maybe Rob. My good life!

Friday night thoughts

It’s Friday night and on my own - and feeling a bit lonely – so turned to my blogg and noticed that I haven’t posted a blogg for nearly two weeks – and that makes me think that the last two weeks have been busy and OK – so that’s good!

I was ­away last night in Manchester, I enjoyed the company of friends/colleagues – some from a way back - but apart from that, not done much apart from work, quite into my knitting at the moment – had Jim, Les, Rob and Gilly for Sunday dinner last week – and have been dancing – oh yes and went out last week on Thursday and Friday – and had Aziz and Jamal on Saturday - so on reflection been quite busy. That’s what I like about my blogg – makes me reflect on what I have been up to – and on reflection have been busy – quite happy and just getting on with things.

So it’s Friday night and feeling a bit lonely – but probably because I’m a bit knackered after quite a busy couple of weeks!

Noticed it's my 200th blogg - which made me think the about the last 14 months - a long time but not really - glad I'm a year plus on - last year was very hard but I do feel that I am coming to terms with having a different future than I anticipated.

Sunday night

Nice week-end - Alex has been home and on Saturday I visited my Mum and Dad’s. Am now slobbing on the sofa with the dog snoring in front of the coal fire.

Jim spend some of Friday evening going round in a Police CCTV van – but the weather was so foul there was no-one on the street. I think he was quite relieved as he didn’t actually want to recognise anyone. I took him to get the stitches out on Friday and the wound is well on the way to healing – he will have a scar but we are both putting it behind us.

Alex has had Jimmy working on Maths and Physics all weekend which is good. He is still finding them hard but Alex says he’s much more on top of them – I feel a bit out of it as I can’t help him – though I suppose I am supporting him in lots of other ways.

Feeling less down this weekend - but coming to terms with having a post Chris low period. Last year was such an emotional roller coaster – wasn’t really certain where I was – so it’s been quite good to recognise that I have been ‘down’ – and that’s something very normal.

Growing up..........

Well – it’s Saturday night – I have had an easy evening at Gilly’s drinking wine, watching TV and talking.

Reflecting on the last week – I feel it has made both Jimmy and me grow up! There is this myth that 54 year olds are ‘grown up’ the reality is that we never ‘grow up’ – I think my 87 and 90 year old parents would agree with this.

OK - with age comes experience, knowledge and some wisdom but the bottom line is we are all learning and some weeks we learn more than others!

Last week has been really hard but I am so proud of all three of my sons – all of whom have helped me and each other in a wonderful, natural way.

Ayway - I wanted to go out tonight – if only to show Jim that I wasn’t going to stay on the sofa every night knitting!

So I’m home – blogging – Jim’s out with his mates. I have just noticed that the jeans that he wore that night – the ones that I washed immediately because I wanted rid of the blood stains – not thinking about the police asking for them – have gone.

So I’m here and Jim’s out – wearing his jeans with their new un-designer cut! His way of facing what happened – and I must find my own way – which I am sure I will…..

Scary Halloween

Halloween was genuinely scary this year as I received a call from the Dad of Jim’s friend to say he had been jumped on by a gang of youths and stabbed in the leg.

He was close by and I got him to hospital quite quickly. The actual wound is not too bad – he had three stitches and will have a sore leg for a few days. He had been on his way to a party when he and his friend had been attacked by a gang of about 9 lads who had chased his mate, Jimmy had stood up to them and they ‘learned him a lesson’ by getting him against a wall and stabbing him in his leg.

So Jim and I, joined by Rob, spent a couple of hours in the Royal’s A&E Department. As this was where Chris died, and at one point Rob and I were waiting in the same corridor, it was fairly upsetting.

Jim seemed fine last night and Rob’s coming round this morning and is going to contact the police. There is no way that Jim could identify them as it was dark and they wore hoodies but Rob is emphatic that it needs to be recorded and he is right.

So I think it’s fair to say that this has not been a good week.

Treacle week

Finding things really hard this week … walking through treacle and just feeling down.. the worse bit is that is Jim is down too and I don’t know how to help – he says he’s ‘fine’ but I know and can see he’s not – worrying because I feel low that I am making too much of it – or even causing his being down. Can’t say we are talking much about it – had a bit of a to do tonight and ended friends but fairly un-communicative friends – he got quite angry when I said I was down too… and that it was OK to feel low sometimes – and then I felt worse for telling him – but you do your best – and that’s all I can do.

The computer has also had a serious breakdown – possibly caused or causing our depression! Jim’s worried he’s lost all his music and I’m worried I’ve lost all my photographs.

So it’s Tuesday evening and we both feel shitty – he’s finding it hard to get to sleep and I’m finding it hard to stay asleep – so are both watching the night – overlapping.

So.. doing my best to be positive… but finding it hard – but this seems a different kind of low to the bereavement feelings – it seems like a ‘normal’ lowness but just a bad dose! So I shall look at this as just another stage to go through – and I have been feeling quite good recently so I suppose I can’t expect a linear path – am worried about Jim though but I’m his Mum and I should worry about him.