not many bloggs - a good sign!

Its Friday night and I’ve been to the pub with Rob for a couple of pints after a particularly exhausting week. Read my emails and am happy that Christmas, New Year and my birthday are now all boxed off!

Went to Leeds for two meetings on Tuesday and then went to dinner with Alex and Lara which was the first for the three of us but hopefully only one of many more meals together in the future.

Then the rest of the week has been a mad combination of work and Americans – quite a common combination in my world!

Haven’t got a lot of any major blogging thoughts tonight – the combination of tiredness and beer have left me fairly shattered but not unhappy.

So it’s November – December in a couple of hours but as everyone seems to be knackered at the moment - I think ‘m probably doing OK!

Saturday morning

.....and I just though I'd look at what I wrote last evening and then I thought I'd look at this time last year. So I'm sitting with tears running down my face as I have just re-visited where I was last year.

How does this make me feel - proud of myself in a sad sort of way because, and I know so many people have much worse things happen to them, but losing your partner of 35 years, a man that I loved dearly and to whom I was very close to, the father of my lovely three boys and dear friend of my dear friends - that is a pretty big thing to happen and so suddenly - looking back at the blogg I can see that I was still in shock this time last year and that Jimmy was even deeper in shock.

So I am proud of myself because as can be seen in the last few months bloggs I'm OK really, bit up and down but just getting on with life. Just looking back at the challenges I set myself a year ago:

Reading several books cover to cover,
Being able to watch/listen to the news,
Buying a newspaper and reading more than the sudoku,
Sleeping better,
Going to the supermarket and doing a proper weekly shop

Realistic and achievable for Tricia then - but I think the time has come to set myself some new challenges for my new future. I don't know what these are yet but I will think about them and blogg them when I'm ready!

Now it's time to take the dog for a walk and to pick up my parcel of wool from the sorting office - and maybe think about challenges and then have breakfast with Jim and maybe Rob. My good life!

Friday night thoughts

It’s Friday night and on my own - and feeling a bit lonely – so turned to my blogg and noticed that I haven’t posted a blogg for nearly two weeks – and that makes me think that the last two weeks have been busy and OK – so that’s good!

I was ­away last night in Manchester, I enjoyed the company of friends/colleagues – some from a way back - but apart from that, not done much apart from work, quite into my knitting at the moment – had Jim, Les, Rob and Gilly for Sunday dinner last week – and have been dancing – oh yes and went out last week on Thursday and Friday – and had Aziz and Jamal on Saturday - so on reflection been quite busy. That’s what I like about my blogg – makes me reflect on what I have been up to – and on reflection have been busy – quite happy and just getting on with things.

So it’s Friday night and feeling a bit lonely – but probably because I’m a bit knackered after quite a busy couple of weeks!

Noticed it's my 200th blogg - which made me think the about the last 14 months - a long time but not really - glad I'm a year plus on - last year was very hard but I do feel that I am coming to terms with having a different future than I anticipated.

Sunday night

Nice week-end - Alex has been home and on Saturday I visited my Mum and Dad’s. Am now slobbing on the sofa with the dog snoring in front of the coal fire.

Jim spend some of Friday evening going round in a Police CCTV van – but the weather was so foul there was no-one on the street. I think he was quite relieved as he didn’t actually want to recognise anyone. I took him to get the stitches out on Friday and the wound is well on the way to healing – he will have a scar but we are both putting it behind us.

Alex has had Jimmy working on Maths and Physics all weekend which is good. He is still finding them hard but Alex says he’s much more on top of them – I feel a bit out of it as I can’t help him – though I suppose I am supporting him in lots of other ways.

Feeling less down this weekend - but coming to terms with having a post Chris low period. Last year was such an emotional roller coaster – wasn’t really certain where I was – so it’s been quite good to recognise that I have been ‘down’ – and that’s something very normal.

Growing up..........

Well – it’s Saturday night – I have had an easy evening at Gilly’s drinking wine, watching TV and talking.

Reflecting on the last week – I feel it has made both Jimmy and me grow up! There is this myth that 54 year olds are ‘grown up’ the reality is that we never ‘grow up’ – I think my 87 and 90 year old parents would agree with this.

OK - with age comes experience, knowledge and some wisdom but the bottom line is we are all learning and some weeks we learn more than others!

Last week has been really hard but I am so proud of all three of my sons – all of whom have helped me and each other in a wonderful, natural way.

Ayway - I wanted to go out tonight – if only to show Jim that I wasn’t going to stay on the sofa every night knitting!

So I’m home – blogging – Jim’s out with his mates. I have just noticed that the jeans that he wore that night – the ones that I washed immediately because I wanted rid of the blood stains – not thinking about the police asking for them – have gone.

So I’m here and Jim’s out – wearing his jeans with their new un-designer cut! His way of facing what happened – and I must find my own way – which I am sure I will…..

Scary Halloween

Halloween was genuinely scary this year as I received a call from the Dad of Jim’s friend to say he had been jumped on by a gang of youths and stabbed in the leg.

He was close by and I got him to hospital quite quickly. The actual wound is not too bad – he had three stitches and will have a sore leg for a few days. He had been on his way to a party when he and his friend had been attacked by a gang of about 9 lads who had chased his mate, Jimmy had stood up to them and they ‘learned him a lesson’ by getting him against a wall and stabbing him in his leg.

So Jim and I, joined by Rob, spent a couple of hours in the Royal’s A&E Department. As this was where Chris died, and at one point Rob and I were waiting in the same corridor, it was fairly upsetting.

Jim seemed fine last night and Rob’s coming round this morning and is going to contact the police. There is no way that Jim could identify them as it was dark and they wore hoodies but Rob is emphatic that it needs to be recorded and he is right.

So I think it’s fair to say that this has not been a good week.

Treacle week

Finding things really hard this week … walking through treacle and just feeling down.. the worse bit is that is Jim is down too and I don’t know how to help – he says he’s ‘fine’ but I know and can see he’s not – worrying because I feel low that I am making too much of it – or even causing his being down. Can’t say we are talking much about it – had a bit of a to do tonight and ended friends but fairly un-communicative friends – he got quite angry when I said I was down too… and that it was OK to feel low sometimes – and then I felt worse for telling him – but you do your best – and that’s all I can do.

The computer has also had a serious breakdown – possibly caused or causing our depression! Jim’s worried he’s lost all his music and I’m worried I’ve lost all my photographs.

So it’s Tuesday evening and we both feel shitty – he’s finding it hard to get to sleep and I’m finding it hard to stay asleep – so are both watching the night – overlapping.

So.. doing my best to be positive… but finding it hard – but this seems a different kind of low to the bereavement feelings – it seems like a ‘normal’ lowness but just a bad dose! So I shall look at this as just another stage to go through – and I have been feeling quite good recently so I suppose I can’t expect a linear path – am worried about Jim though but I’m his Mum and I should worry about him.

A bit down but dancing

Have felt a bit low this week – but a sort of normal time of the year lowness – probably because I was also so busy for the last couple of weeks. Went out with Gilly for tapas on Thursday and we cheered each other up as she too was a bit low.

Yesterday I went to dance workshop and danced for over 5 hours. It was wonderful and just what I needed. Today Gilly, Fiona, Aziz and I are going to walk through some woods to see the autumn colours before they all fall off the trees. It will be wet though as it’s pouring with rain but the dog will enjoy it!

.....busy,busy

Very busy week – I love things like the Staff Tour – but they are exhausting – didn’t go with group to the Netherlands so met Gilly at Estabans early last night but had to leave early as was falling asleep.

Yesterday would have been Chris’s birthday – and it was fine – we have moved on so far in a year – I have just looked back at my blogg for that time and I can see it. This time last year I was just starting to think about going back to work and was in a hard place – a year on I’m me, working normally, much more comfortable in being on my own and so much lighter. Living my life.

Alex came home last night but I didn’t see him because I was in bed – and I have Aziz and Jamal coming shortly, so Rob will bring the papers round and I will make a giant breakfast for 5 boys and we will do the quiz and laugh. My life and a good one.

Busy, busy

At the end of a busy week and the start of a busy weekend – with 17 Americans and 1 Croatian currently travelling to Liverpool! Work is very busy and not just for me – we are a very busy team!

Feel I am coping well at work – not having the blank panics that I had when I first went back – but now I’m a year on I don’t think have any excuse – this is quite an interesting thought as I have been able to give myself an excuse for the last year and could justify any mistakes I made. But not any more! Think I need to watch tiredness – as I am working full-time and although sleeping OK I often wake very early – but that’s life and I do know how lucky I am.

Jimmy has started to talk about holidays next year – there is a group planning inter-railing and another something more packaged. Jim thinks there needs to be someone who sorts out all the planning and the money etc and as he then spent a while on the computer costing train tickets etc I think he could be the one!

Now I have to think about myself – I was protected by boys this summer – but next summer I’ll be on my own – not too worried about that but it does require me to think through what I want to do sooner rather than later. Which I can do. Time to walk the dog and greet Americans!

last first - hopefully!

Yesterday was my last first – the first anniversary of Chris’s funeral – I don’t think I have any more really significant firsts to do – I am now on seconds!

Funnily enough I had my hair cut yesterday – and Paula – who knows where I am - as she lost her mother and brother within a week last December – we recalled that I had had my hair done on the day of Chris’s funeral. I remember not being able to speak - so full of emotion – so a year on very different.

Doug and Sue were here on Friday night – on their way to Scotland – as Dougie’s mum died this summer and Sue’s sister has just had heart surgery. It was lovely to see them and we had a proper Friday night out with other friends – very enjoyable.

Today is Alex’s 24th birthday – spoke to him earlier – he had had a special lunch with Lara and was walking it off – he had a horrible birthday last year but like me – he is moving on.

Jim and I had tea and a bit of a row – which was actually quite a good row – as we both explained to each other what was pissing us of about what the other had said. Pretty grown up for a mum and a 17 year old!

I went shopping today and bought yet more jeans/trousers as I have gone from a size 16 to a size 12 in a year! I was looking at photos earlier on today and don’t think I looked fat – I did look happy if bigger – but hopefully I will appear in photos now happy but thinner!

Feel good and really OK – don’t know yet if I am happy – still trying to cope with being the post Chris Tricia – not quite ready to do happy - the photo 2005 – of me and Renata on a boat off the Croatian coast – I look very very happy – and thinking back I was – Chris and I did good holidays and we were happy.

But thinking deeper was Chris happy – yes I think he was on one level – but on another level I don’t know if he ever did ‘happy’. He did pleasure and enjoyment and he certainly did appreciation – but he wasn’t nicknamed ‘Damper’ for no reason – he never did happy in the way that I did/do.

So a year on – glad my last first is over – thinking a lot about good friends who loved and miss Chris – thinking about my boys – working out who they are – understanding this because I have never found the answers to that!

Appreciating what I had….

A rather emotional day – Alex back from Africa, cooking a great gynormous breakfast for 5 lovely boys , and still feeling raw after this week – and then flowers and chocolates from lovely people.

Thought about what I miss/long for – I have lost part of myself this last year and it has taken me a year to recognise it. I think it’s because I am moving on and wanting to be a whole woman again, that I see now that my extremes have gone – I can be myself – and am getting better at that – but the real me – the more extreme good and bad me – is not visible. Chris was the one person in the world that I could be me at my extreme – good and bad!

This has come as a bit of a revelation to me – the new ‘self sufficient’ Tricia – doesn’t argue as much as she used to – with anyone!

I suppose the fact that I could and did argue/debate with Chris everything/anything – gave me a release – we didn’t just talk – we did argue – we did talk about everything to each other – and yes sometimes we would shout at each other - extremes - I could be good and/or bad.

Now I am middle of the road!

Tonight I just feel such a strong longing to be able to argue/discuss/debate/shout/laugh with someone and I suppose I mean Chris.

I am surrounded by wonderful family, friends, colleagues and I miss being argumentative – I suppose I am just missing the Chris Tricia –and I also know I will just have to get used to it.

Tonight I did have a bit of a wobble with sons – I don’t want to do this – but maybe I have to be a bit more honest with myself and let myself feel the extremes again – though slowly.

OK let's get on with living!

Re-read my morbid blog of last night - and after a night's sleep I watched the large clock face click round from 06:00 to 06:21 - and so that's it now - Chris has been dead for over a year and we must just get on with our lives.

Have been surprised how the last three days have hit me - but I also think that I let myself be hit! A good thing I think for a few days to let myself be morbid and weepy - but now I have decided that it's time to get back to where I was last week.

So blessing counting - that's easy - big breath and time to take the dog for a walk - the computer and dog's bowels also had a major dysfunction this week - but that's life too!

I feel much lighter now - and I'm so glad I've got the year milestone out of the way - time for the post Chris Tricia to get on with her life - it's a good one.

Tonight - is the night

A year ago tonight – I sat with my lovely husband Chris and watched him die – and I cry as type this. Big breath – I am very aware this was not something that I did on my own – my three sons sat that night and saw their father die.

How hard is this to type – after a few glasses of wine - hard but what I have to do.

Today has been OK – hard but realistic - Gilly and I had a day – going down town - superficially shopping – eating mussels and drinking white wine. Talking – we sat in the garden – a year to the minute and enjoyed – laughed – did what I wanted to do- thanks Gilly. Sitting in the garden I talked later to the Heyhursts – what can I say – thank you – I am struggling with everything today –but I’m not going to tell my sons.

A year on weekend

Doing OK – very aware of last year’s weekend. Doing very similar things – had the boys for the weekend – they’ve just gone. Rob’s watching football in the pub – last year he watched with Chris. Gilly, Rob, Jim and Les coming round for Sunday tea – last year it was just us – but we will be sitting round the same table – eating, laughing and drinking wine – just the same but different – no Chris. I have had a year to get used to not having Chris around and I can’t say that I don’t miss him because I do – everyday – BUT he would be proud of us because we haven’t moped and given into it – we have just got on with re-building our lives.

Things that are different a year on – went to see my Mum and Dad yesterday – Mum is 87 and Dad is 90 – they are coping very well but noticeably frailer a year on. They have had a sad week or two with several deaths of friends and neighbours including Rosie the dog. They really miss Rosie – she was about 15 years old – and although she had some irritating habits – like barking a lot – she filled their house and has left a big gap.

Alex is somewhere walking down Kilimanjaro – he and his three friends walked through the night on Thursday and were at the summit on Friday morning! We’ve been watching the weather on the web cam:

http://www.kilicam.com/

He should be down tomorrow or Tuesday and is then going for a few days safari. He will be returning to Lara his Spanish girlfriend – so things are very different for him a year on.

Rob has a new job which he is enjoying – doesn’t know what he wants to do in the long term – but he’s doing well – I know he is thinking about Chris a lot at the moment. He is so lovely and has been so supportive for me and Jim – popping round, checking on us – he’s going to come round tomorrow as I will be off work for a couple of days. My hope is that he can believe in himself more as he should!

My little Jimmy – now towering over me – he has grown a lot this year and is walking tall. He’s re-sitting his Year 12 and has three friends in the same position – which is good - he’s doing his homework as I write and seems much happier in himself – America was good for him – gave him more confidence.

And me… well I went for a run this morning with my lovely Kipper - he’s sleeping it off at my feet! Met my good friend Jan and had a lovely long conversation – I have been so lucky this last year – so many people thinking about me, caring for me, listening to me. I feel that now I’m a year on I need to be doing more listening – I have been so self obsessed this last year. I don’t feel guilty about that but I do think it is time to move on.

So a year on and all doing well – thanks to my many friends, colleagues and family – you’ve all been so fantastic to us all – we’ve done it well and you’ve been there for us – all along the way.

Relishing being home - again!

After three nights away - I got home this afternoon - and it is lovely. Went to Tescos with Jim and made soup - he's gone off to a party. I have just had a huge, hot bubble bath in the giant bath - and was thinking about how things are different now - so very nearly one year on.

I'm different - I look a bit different - a bit thinner - dressed in post Chris clothes - though still having some of my old favourites. The me inside is not very different but I have had to change - don't know if it's changing or just making different parts of me come to the surface. I have had to become much more self-sufficient. No one to share everything with. I can talk to lots of people about lots of things but there is so much that I have to think through for myself. I suppose that what's 35 years together give you - wonderful depth and understanding but maybe less self sufficiency.

House is different - big bath and blue kitchen - bedroom on surface much the same but now MY bedroom - just full of my things, different CD player, with different music playing - no TV or World Service. Smelling different - I indulge myself with candles and fragrant oils.

I am so aware of the one year anniversary and have been for quite a while now. Not sure how I will take it - maybe I will cry all day but maybe I will just take a big breath and get on with it. That's what I'm hoping anyway. I remember taking nephews and niece to Alton Towers on the first anniversary of Michael's death - that was 10 years ago this summer. I know Jenny is thinking about me as I have been thinking about her for 10 years. She is wonderful and a I think a lot of how she and Ali have got on with their life after losing their 19 year old son.

Back to the constant 'how lucky am I' mantra - yes I have lost Chris and so have his friends - I am sometimes hit by their loss. I know my lovely three big boys all miss their Dad in different ways but they are good and getting on with their own lives - bottom line is Chris isn't here anymore so we have to just get on with our lives - and back to the start of this blog - appreciating and enjoying life - it's basically all we have - and tonight I am just relishing being home!

It's lovely to be home

Wow - 2 weeks away and back home today - and it is such a good feeling! Well aware that I am back home in a Chris free house - but a year IS a long time - though in so many ways no time - but this time last year I was coming home from the COE conference - welcomed by Chris with comfort food and all that went along with with a Chris welcome home - this time Jim and I arrived at Manchester - went to the Spar and bought some milk for a cup of tea and came home to an empty house - BUT this shows how far we have come - it was OK - going with Rob to pick the dog up and Tescos - Gilly coming round - talking on the phone to my parents and a couple of friends. It was really OK - it just feels great to be home - to my newly painted kitchen and all the other things of my new post Chris life. So that's good.

I am so pleased Jim came with me - for both myself and for Jim. I was always going to find my first COE conference hard - meeting people I hadn't met for a year - lovely people that I know well and who know me and care for me - so that was going to be hard. I thought Jim would get a lot from this trip and I really think that he has. On so many levels - the Jim who came back with me today was a different young man from the one I left with a couple of weeks ago. I think the 'deep end' is probably a good description to where he has been but I think it was what was needed - he was well out of his comfort zone and he was brilliant. Jim doesn't find meeting people easy - he does not have a lot of confidence in himself but the last couple of weeks he has met so many people, had to have so many conversations, seen so many new things and had to think about himself - his Mum and the wider world and he has grown as a consequence.

I don't really need to say how lucky am I - but I don't think I can finish a blog without saying it - how lucky am I - going away and seeing my life from the other side of the world just makes me think how lucky I am - this is is so visible to me tonight as I relish being home - even if I can hear the dog howling in the kitchen - don't think Kip had a good couple of weeks in the kennels - he is also looking very skinny - sorry Kip - you and me and both so happy to be home!

New York

After a couple of days in Boston, followed by two with Brenda and Dan in Rhode Island, Jimmy and I have spend the last couple of days with Harri in New York. It has been fun. Neither Harri or Jimmy have been to New York before and our feet hurt from walking!

Yesterday we went to dinner with Ingvild - we went to a Japanese restaurant where Brian our Chef cooked and performed and then we went up the Rockerfeller Building and looked over New York at night - magic and special times.



Today we went to Ellis Island as Harri wanted to check out his Great Grand Parents. Then we walked some more!

Tomorrow off to Chicago and starting work again. Still feel my huge ambivalence to America - it has been interesting to watch Jim make up his mind about things - he will never really understand Americans as he hates shopping and can't understand why anyone could want to own more than three pair of jeans at anyone time - I have loved his comments over the last few days!

Anyway - it's very enoyable to be in the US with Europeans Harri - Finland - and Ingvild - Norway - they just understand.

What ever how lucky am I - feeling OK and prepared for tomorrow and the next few days and then it will be back to proper work at home!

Back in Boston

This time with Jimmy. We arrived yesterday and went out on a boat round the islands - a good way to compat falling asleep!

This trip is a mixture of work and holiday - and I had a very good meeting today - seems a strangely natural thing to do! I have thought quite a lot about the Tricia that was here in December - it is good as I can see how far I've come on in a few months. I am so pleased to have Jimmy with me - he's fast asleep as I type - the combination of 5 days at the Leeds festival and jet lag having caught up with him.

The small hours

I am currently very obsessed with the fact that soon it will be a year ago that Chris died. Lots of stuff involved with this, firstly my lovely Chris has not been with us for nearly a year – that makes me cry as I type – unbelievable – yet reality. Secondly I am so proud of myself and my boys – moving on – looking positive – doing what we have had to do – and all of us doing it really well. Thirdly – meaning of life stuff – I have had so much time to think over the last year – my brain hurts!

So it is Friday night – I am in bed ridiculously early but Jim is away camping at the Leeds festival – and I have had a pretty emotionally topsy turvy week. Lots of thinking about the future…. It’s now ridiculously early Saturday morning and having fallen asleep – I now can’t sleep – too much whirling around in my head.

The small hours of the morning are when small worries become big and the world seems a pretty hopeless mess. Chris knew this time very well – he never slept well and sometimes – for months at a go - he would get pain during the night – he was amazing as he would be awake for hours during the night but then get up and live his normal day.

When he died Chris was tired. I had in my heart known that he would not live to be an old man. I think I had known this for a long time. That didn’t mean I expected him to die – but from the minute I got the phone call from Jimmy – I knew he was going to die.

I think this knowledge has helped me a lot over the last year – as I don’t think 'I wish Chris was here' – what I do think is – 'I miss you so much but I’m not unhappy that you have died'. Writing that sentence was difficult as to say I am not unhappy that Chris died sounds terrible – but what I mean is – Chris was tired and as Alex said at the time – 'He died as old as you can be to die a young man.'

Does that mean Chris was ready to die – not ready as in wanting to die but ready as in prepared to die – yes I think so - he had had so many small hours of the morning to think – too many – he wasn’t afraid of death – he had been so close in the past. I suppose this insight made him the lovely special man that he was. The lovely man that is now gone and that we must live without.

In someways this blogg has helped me understand that all this thinking that I am going through is also preparing me for my own death and part of the process that we all have to do in recognising our own mortality. Who said small hour thinking is cheerful!

So big breath, little weep – recognise my good luck and fortune and it is time to go back to sleep. The birds are starting to sing.