Living change

I have just read a beautiful Facebook posting  on friend of mine who is leaving Australia to come back to the UK for two years. She described her gratitude for the people, times, places and special things that have been important parts of her life during her 10 years in Australia.

I recognised in her words and saw myself in a few months time saying goodbye to special people, memories and things. I have already started the process by thinking about selling my beautiful car. Lily,  my lovely white BMW convertible which given me so much pleasure over the last five years, but it would be sensible to sell her at the beginning of summer rather than at the end.  So today I will take her to the car wash and take some photos of her. Last night I did a deal with Gilly whereby we will share her car  for a while, that will mean I can sell Lily  and still be mobile, most particularly to be able to see my Mum.

When I talk about leaving Liverpool I can only feel one really big heartache - though I anticipate many smaller ones will appear over the next few months - and it is the thought of leaving my mother.   Just writing this  has brought tears to my eyes.........  I will miss my mother so much, whether this is because I am no longer  able to visit her regularly like I do at the moment, or whether it will be because she is  no longer around, doesn't really matter.  At the moment she is well,  active and enjoying  her life. Though I know  there are times when she feels lonely and  she misses my Dad terribly,  she is living her life to the full. She said yesterday when we were out walking "Life is so interesting  if you care about it."   She is so right! I feel very close to my Mum and yes - the thought of not seeing her regularly does make my heart ache.

She knows I'm going to Australia for a couple of months  and that is good, I have just worked out that I will send her letters via Jenny, I can email them and Jenny will take them over. That is a good plan! I have told her that I am leaving Liverpool once we were out walking, she looked me in the eyes and said "Don't not go because of me." She has forgotten the conversation but I haven't.

I have booked a holiday cottage for Mum, Jenny, Evie  and Michael for July, it looks fantastic with a view over South Stack's Lighthouse in Anglesey, with puffins and seals and sunsets.....  and a hot tub to enjoy them from. Mum  is also going to London for her 95th birthday with Fiona, Jenny and Sophie  and they are going to see Phantom of the Opera and have afternoon tea with 15 members of the family,  she will enjoy that. She loved Jimmy and Rachel's wedding,  she can't remember the details that she can remember how much she enjoyed it.

So I am anticipating leaving my Mum and starting the process of leaving Liverpool! This week I completed all the reports I had to do for the European Commission and now I just have to wait to see if they are accepted.  I also cleared out my office and although I have some things I need to finalise and archive etc I  have effectively said goodbye to it, without a team it was a lonely place anyway! So in some ways the goodbyes have already started, with the SiS Catalyst  team leaving at the end of December and  the others now working full-time in the Educational Opportunities team.

I go to Barcelona this afternoon to do a Spanish course,  then the following two weeks Jury  duty.....  then off to Australia via  Paris and Doha,  returning via India -   amazing, how blessed am I!

....... Then I looked at the time and realised I was to have a Skype with my boys and their girls - it was fun - though Alex looked knackered - little Alba had been crying a lot - she seems to have a lot of trouble with gas pains in her tummy. Despite this she is visibly putting on weight and thriving - though exhausting her parents in the process! I am now at the airport - I got the car washed but didn't take any photos because it was pouring down. Jenny was over at Mum's this afternoon and the letter from Australia idea was well received - I could also put them into my blogg - and I know a couple of blogg readers are also Mum visitors/phoners it would work very well I think. The time difference will make it difficult to ring Mum a lot - yes I am very happy with this plan!

So off now to Barcelona!!! I am living change.........

the longest time without blogging!

...... and not certain why - have been busier before but made the time to blogg - maybe because I am not at home but staying at Alex and Lara's in Paris.... or maybe because I am taking a deep breath before I take the next step forward to the unknown!!!!

I am increasingly recognising that I am on my way to become a nomad and though comfortable being here - am not yet certain of this place (places!).

Today has been a big day for me - but in some ways a very domestic day - today I saw online something I was told yesterday that all the 'Deliverables' of SiS Catalyst have been accepted.... that might not mean a lot - but to me it is huge - I cannot move on until all the formal reporting has occurred - and this news is a really significant step towards this.

Today I am also very close to signing off the book - it gets printed tomorrow - so I will wake up in the morning and add my final few corrections... then off it goes...... another big step. We launch it in the House of Lords on the 11th of February... I love the stories of these things - that's what everything is - a story.... we sometimes think the stories are the whole thing... but actually they are not - WE are the whole thing - we just dress ourselves in stories!

Today I was also phoned up by my landlord who told me he is selling the apartment - I told him I was leaving it in November.... and made the commitment to do so! Wow that was a biggie!

I have also been an abuela - Abu Nan - my new name - Grandmother Nan - so in between Skype conversations and book proofing I cuddled the rather colicky but flourishing little Alba. Now over 3 kilos/ 7 lbs  - she is two and a half months old - so still tiny but developing into a strong little character - magic - it is just so amazing to spend so much time with her.

I will be here until Monday and then back to Brussels then on home -then not certain - itchy feet and increasingly becoming comfortable with being nomadic.

So Abu Nan is sleeping on her son's sofa - ready to sign off a book early tomorrow morning before helping to bath the beautiful Alba and then Lara and I will go shopping (sin bebé) Alex looking forward to some serious Dad and little girl on his own time... wonderful to witness my son become a father.

I have obviously thought a lot about Chris over these weeks - thinking and talking about how he took on the role of dad in his own inimitable way - looking back I think we were pretty amazing - but that is just what becoming a parent is all about - and maybe you have to become a grandparent in order recognise how amazing being a parent is!

So happy on Alex and Lara's sofa bed - and getting used to becoming a nomad!

Amazing couple of weeks

It is Tuesday, 6 January 2015 and what an amazing couple of weeks it has been!

To cuddle my very first grandchild and to see how she is thriving, and to witness her effect on her exhausted and exhilarating  parents, has been amazing.

I have also seen more of my family members  together in one place at my son Jimmy's  wedding than I can recall. The last time would have been my father's funeral so  to be together in celebration and happiness was just beautiful.

Tonight, I have Jimmy and Rachel staying at my flat and that is always a pleasure, but their wedding was something extraordinary...... it is difficult to describe these things, but  I was talking to my mum tonight  on the phone......  and she said;  the special thing about Jimmy and Rachel is that you can see how much they love each other...... I absolutely agree with her. and that is the strength of  their relationship, their certainty and it is visible.....  they are very certain that they love each...... but the really special thing is that they are totally certain that they are loved  by the other......  and that is the unusual strength of their relationship.

 So at home,  pretty tired......  but very happy.......... it has been a truly amazing couple of weeks!

Feeling strangely emotional

Don't know why but I am feeling very emotional. I really didn't want to leave Paris and my beautiful little granddaughter, it was so special to spend time with her, unexpectedly out of hospital. It was just very, very, very -  can't think of the right word, beautiful, special, magic.......  to be part of a family  with a newborn baby is just such a very special place to be.  I have only been that close when it was my sons,  my own babies, so to be there at this time was a real privilege.

So yesterday we got home and went round to dinner at my sisters, where my mum was staying - that was nice - it felt more Christmassy -  sitting round a table eating and drinking, laughing and talking - being family........

As we walked over the park I also felt Rob's grief  for his father, he still misses him so much......  in someways more than I do....  so that was poignant - and then being close to family and witnessing their sadnesses and emotions - is strangely affecting - we are strange things us human beings!

Today was another family day, lunch/afternoon with Pat and Nita.....  with  Rob and Vaughn this time. Six weeks to the day when Pat, Nita, Rob and I sat and waited for news of Alba's birth and prepared for Neil's funeral......  it feels like an awful lot has happened in these six weeks.....   and I suppose it has.

So now in the quiet time between Christmas and New Year - and a special New year with Jimmy and Rachel's wedding....... maybe I am feeling emotional because I have time to be so! That's a good thought and I shall enjoy being a bit weepy and feeling 'full' - and recognise that it's not only OK to feel like this - it is GOOD to feel these emotions - to be human and to feel sadness and joy - and they do seem to be so intrinsically linked - so to feel is to be human - and ALIVE..... how good is that!

In Paris.......

........it is 21 December 2014 and I am in Paris. Yesterday I went to see my little teeny tiny granddaughter Alba in hospital, she is doing very well and should be home within a couple of weeks or so. Not yet 2kilos - but close - she will be allowed out when 2.2 kilos!

Yesterday was also my son Rob's birthday and he joined us late on in the evening which was also special.

And on Friday I completed SiS Catalyst and said goodbye to the special team of young people who have been working with me on it for the last few years. I will go back to work in January, but part-time to complete the final reporting of the project. So a couple of months to do that, then two weeks of Jury Duty and then off to Australia and India........ followed by the rest of my new life!

But before that we have Jimmy and Rachel's wedding on the 1/2 January - the biggest family gathering for many years - so also very special!

I do feel very tired........  I feel like I have got to the end of the marathon and looking back over the last four years that's what it has been. The last few months have also been an emotional roller coaster which obviously  included the early arrival of Alba but also completing SiS Catalyst and saying farewell to the team etc...... a lot of stuff......... I also did travel an awful lot over the last few months.

Rob and I are staying here in Paris in an Apart-hotel  which is great because it has a little kitchen etc so we can be independent, not to mention a very nice swimming pool with sauna etc. It is also just round the corner from Alex and Lara's so it is very convenient.

This morning we went to a really lovely traditional French market and stocked up with all sorts of delicacies and Rob and I are looking forward to cooking for Alex and Lara..... as the baby is still in hospital they will spend most of the day up there and it will be nice for us to feel useful. We will also be washing the many tiny little clothes she is now wearing..... baby clothes are so magic and premature baby clothes just make me melt with goooyness!

So the first days of my new life will involve cooking and looking after family - but also relaxing and being me - with not a lot of responsibilities - which is an amazingly good way for it to start -  not in my own home though appropriately in a family home in another country with Lara's Mum Juaqui,  so speaking Spanish (Juaqui has just left to fly home to Asturias) and shopping in French, with Rob over from Croatia and feeling good that we can be useful to Alex and Lara and the teeny tiny Spanish/British/French baby Alba. I do live a multi country life!

Thinking about my Mum but knowing that I will speak to her regularly, that as I write Jenny is with her and that she will a lovely Christmas at Ann's with Max and Tanja and that she is also really looking forward to the wedding.

.............. so what a joy.....  feeling knackered but very, very, very happy.

My little granddaughter Alba

Today I met my beautiful little granddaughter Alba Myosotis San Emeterio Jenkins. Here in this picture in her Dad's arms. Very special time..........

Certainty and uncertainty (excitement!)

I'm back home from Colombia. Wow!!!!!! In the last three weeks, I have been in Japan, France, Italy, Colombia and twice in the USA in transit. Extraordinary!!!!

I go to Paris tomorrow to see Alex and Lara and teeny tiny Alba.

We are getting to the end of SiS Catalyst and there is a lot to do. At the moment, and for the next three weeks, I have a lovely team of young people who are helping me complete the documentation of our last four years. But from the 19 December they will be gone. It feels like I am coming to the end of a huge part of  my life. Which of course is true!

It was wonderful to be in Colombia, and I do resonate with the country and the people. I'm also frustrated by my bad Spanish and know that I really must put the time and effort into becoming fluent.

I don't remember when I have been quite so busy!

It's early morning and I seem to have some kind of reverse jet lag, because I should be feeling sleepy at this time of day and I'm not. Though I do feel a bit disorientated, which, when I think about the travelling and also the emotional roller coaster of the last few weeks, I am not really surprised.

I just renamed this blogg, certainty and uncertainty. Because that's exactly how I feel! A wonderful certainty but also a very strong feeling of uncertainty/unknown-ness, which is not scary....... I am trying to analyse exactly what I am feeling, I think it is excitement!

Last night I danced. It was a very special and deep dance. Our teacher Clare wanted us to dance as individuals, but also as part of the collective. And that is what we did. I did go extraordinarily deep, and it was an amazing  dance. 

It is also what I am writing about for SiS Catalyst -   the relationship between the individual and the collective, trying my best to get the words exactly right. But it is also something that I'm feeling very strongly at the moment. Feeling me, one person with their own individual thoughts and feelings, but also a part of the a growing awareness of global consciousness  and the huge changes that are unfurling around the world,  and probably beyond. 

So that is what I am feeling at the moment, a beautiful certainty combined with strong feeling of excitement!!

What an extraordinary world we live in.

I am now a grandmother!

My teeny tiny little granddaughter Alba was born last Sunday.

She weighed in just over 2 1/2 pounds - 1.225 kg, the smallest baby that I have ever seen.

She was born at 33 weeks and five days, Lara had a Caesarean because the baby was not growing properly.

So a rather fraught weekend. It ended up as a really intense but a really special weekend.

Rob was home for Neil's funeral, and it felt very good that he was home. We ended up spending the Sunday afternoon with Pat and Nita - waiting to hear from Alex, knowing that the baby was being born that afternoon, and being very close, planning the details of the funeral and reminiscing, telling stories - a very special afternoon. Then we heard that the baby had been born and that everyone was okay.

The funeral was on the Monday, it sound strange to say - but it was an excellent -  really special -  I went to Paris on the Wednesday and have been there since, but tonight I am in Milan, on my way tomorrow to Medellin.

This blog is a bit  - all over the place - I tried to think  of another way of saying it: basically I think it is reflecting an amazing, emotional and special week.

Feeling very tired - and coming to the realisation that I am a grandmother1

Being on my own in Japan.....

...... has been a very strange and interesting place to be!

Lots of levels to this, there is Japan - which has been really extraordinarily, I didn't know what to expect, and have been very surprised and very impressed, and also connected ( like you do - but it is different - but the the same!).

Differences and similarities - I suppose maybe because I have travelled so much - or maybe this combined with being me - means that I can see differences and similarities -  bufffffff - I think I need to recognise that I can see stuff - and accept and be grateful - and then just get on with it!!!!!!

There is also the work, which has also been surprising, again that's about levels, I thought I would find a different level of thinking because it's at a global level, and I did but then I didn't.  I need to hold onto this thinking - to hold close to me for the times I lose confidence  - and feel nervous and presumptoius - when I should just recognise that actually I do know what I know - and that I can see!!!!

As I write - I can see that Japan is being very empowering for me - back to the accepting and being grateful and then just getting on with it! But I do need to recognise that it has also been lonely - being here on my own.

..... so finally being on my own in Japan - has made me very conscious of the reality of being on my own. Which of course I am - not in a relationship, soon not to be living in my own home, not having family around me, not often socialising with people who live close to me  - basically being ON MY OWN - which of course I am - Wow - how many times do I need to write the same stuff - and then to just recognise and accept this.

On my own yet not - whilst I have been here I have connected and linked with many via technology - even my Mum a couple of times - so I suppose it is the physical connection that is missing - the connections are here........

OK - so Japan has been big for me......... and a time to step up - and of course the first step is to just 'be' - but currently I have just to 'be' in Japan!!!!

So my learning here - is about being me - and to just BE - and get on with the wonder of where that will take me.... hahahaha - could be anywhere!!!! So for the next couple of days it will be Japan - wonderfully bonkers - the way to live life!
xxxx

Death.... and how we live our lives - hindsight!

....  tonight I am very aware of a death,  though as I write I do not know if Neil has yet gone, though I do know it  will happen very shortly. 

Conversations tonight,  over the phone,  have been deep and profound. They have also ranged over more than 40 years, and included other deaths -  and other reflections on our collective lifetimes. Lives woven together - sometimes a light weave and sometimes an intense complex weave. Lives, expectations, reality, choices, courage and fear - coping/not coping - guilt/acceptance - the stuff of life - the blessing of life,  the harshness of life... the meaning of life.................

It is a beautiful gift to have this kind of conversation, ranging through so much and made so poignant by the imminent death of Neil. His life  has been triumphantly poignant. Aspects of it so hard, yet aspects of it so amazingly full of love ... as to take your breath away.

I want to write something profound, but don't think I am able to - but I do want to acknowledge how grateful I am for the amazing people in my life...... bufffffffff

The mystery continues........

I have just read my blogg  from Friday and was surprised how upbeat I felt! This week has just felt so hard.  The sense of transition is just getting so strong.

And I suppose there are two sides to a transition, the leaving and the beginning. At the moment I am deeply immersed in the process of leaving and I haven't yet fully started the beginning. Though I am making plans for 2015, Australia and India, dancing in Spain in September……

But after that I'm not sure what I will be doing, where I will be going…… or why - questioning my purpose I suppose.

I am excited about the new beginning, though there seems an awful lot of things to do before I get there.

I think I need to recognise that these are big things that are happening to me. I will be leaving the city where I have lived for 40 years and I will choose to make myself homeless. I think this is at the heart of my uncertainty, I will leave my flat and take up temporary residence somewhere else around the world.… and I will have no fixed address, no home. This is going to be a really big step for me…… and I will be doing it on my own.......

But how exciting, half of me is just so excited, this time next year I will be packing up all my belongings and putting a few in storage somewhere, quite where I haven't work out yet, then with a suitcase I will be off!!!

How lucky am I to be in this position? Extra ordinarily lucky!! I love writing my blogg, I woke up this morning feeling a bit miserable and now I feel excited and happy……

I am so ready for this, but like every new adventure sometimes taking the first steps are always the most difficult.

Friday night in Brussels

It's been a long day!

I am feeling really proud of myself, because, and it seemed quite a stupid little thing now, but as a claustrophobic -  I never thought I would be able to travel on the Eurostar. It almost does feel like a ridiculous fear, now I am the other side of it, but  - it was a really big thing for me - and yes I am so proud of myself that I did it!

It's funny, probably because I was worried, but lots of little things happened today - my taxi was late, my first train was cancelled, unexpected crowds in London - none of them stop me travelling - but all of them added to my journey I suppose, my learning -  all good stuff!!

So it is Friday night and I am in Brussels -  really enjoyed the keynote speaker at the conference tonight and the conversations  afterwards.

I am in a very strange place in my life at the moment,  a real point of transition -  moving on, moving on, moving on.......

I am also very happy to be at this point,  but I am also very aware  that I do not know where I am moving on to  - my heart  just loves it, and it's really singing.......  but my head is not totally convinced!!! This sound so familiar.

 So in Brussels,  happy to be here,  especially connecting with SiS  folk, strong feelings about the excitement growing, but also knowing that-  it's all a mystery!!!!

Sunny Sunday morning

I'm in Liverpool, but not for long as I am going over to my Mum's for a while and then on  to Oxford for a conference.

Last week felt very "full on". It's not just about being busy, it's also about the future. I have been very conscious that this time next year I will be in the final stages of planning to leave Liverpool. I get a lump in my throat when I think about this. I have lived here, with the exception of three years in Edinburgh, all my life since I was 18.

It's been eight years since Chris died and I have been on my own. My three sons are now grown men and live in three different countries and it does feel very right  that I leave Liverpool. Although as I write this I am aware of what a big step it will be.

There's also other things involved, particularly my mother. She is still very fit and healthy for a  94 year-old and I see her very regularly, but from next year there will be  long periods when I won't see her. Talking over the phone is okay but it's not the same as being with somebody.

I danced on Monday with a very strong sense of sadness and I think that was around the two things, leaving Liverpool and my mother's eventual death. I think it's all right to have feelings of sadness, it's a kind of preparation things which will come.

I also had a very exciting week, lots of work but also lots of dreaming/imagining the future and what it could look like, also some of the things that I will do! 

 I do feel that I'm doing this on my own and then I realise that I'm doing it with wonderful people all around me, but then of course I realise that I'm  actually doing  it on my own! But that's what it's all about - living our own individual lives, and at the same time connecting to others.

I love the way that the Universe aligns things. Things happening in unexpected sequences, which on reflection were perfectly ordered. This last week has  full of that kind of serendipity/coincidence - the Universe opening doors for me -  thing I have to do now is just to go through them!!!

Off to see my Mum and Jenny, then off to meet completely new group of people and see what comes out of that………

And it is such a beautiful day……… 

Thank you Universe……

the HUGE things are actually not so big - it's the little things we can change that make the difference

........am back in Brussels again - and have just had an extraordinary night of learning - buff - it does feel like something extra-ordinary happened tonight - so will be difficult to describe and put into words- but I'll have a go!

OK  - it's about 'knowledge' - what it is - and who has it - and where!

OK I am in Brussels - why I am in Brussels is irrelevant - but probably not so -  I am here for a Roma conference  - hosted by the European Commission and the Council of Europe - and on one level good people doing good stuff - but tonight it feels bigger than that!

This will be the difficult bit to explain - tonight I saw very clearly that the next step for humanity is about where the 'knowledge' is 'held' globally......

......which of course is actually individually.....

......tonight I saw the 'knowledge' being held by those who are perceived by most of us (the others) as the ones who are the 'problem'.

I saw this knowledge not only true and powerful but also the future......

I also saw that how most of us look at all of this upside down - we see problems/issues etc but actually we miss the solutions that those who are living these lives can give us.......

They - those from these communities (and of course children ) - also don't see their own amazing knowledge because they live in our shared society - with all that goes along with that - so are 'educated' and live real lives as the ones who are marginalised, abused, discriminated against... and some as fighters  against all of that - But living hard lives - but actually living lives which give them the 'knowledge' that the  'others' need. How many consciously live with this knowledge I don't know - I live an amazing life and have connected with many - but think this is a unrepresentative sample! - but the awareness/awakedness is there in still quite a small percent - but then all conversation starts at a different level!

So back to the bigger picture - we are all actually 'us' and the 'other' and  we need to look inside ourselves for the answers to everything....

So nothing new - all so obvious then! But tonight I do see so very clearly that the transformation required for 'us' is to look to those that we see as the 'problem' and to recognise that they  actually have the knowledge for our shared solution.

Not certain I explained it as clearly as I saw it - but this stuff is all about the paradigm shift - the change we need/ are making in our  thinking - I know I need to be able to explain more clearly something so fundamental - but  maybe I am being presumptions....

But hey hey - this is my blogg and my learning - and wow - it feels enormous!!!!!!!!!!

Blogging from Paris

.... and feeling grounded - and it's good to be back to earth!

I never caught the afternoon flight as it was cancelled and I ended up having a really great time courtesy of Air France! After being picked up by a taxi I was taken to a 5 star hotel - fed the most wonderful food and spent the afternoon in a beautiful spa, sitting in a jacuzzi in the sunshine, having a deep massage, sauna and  turkish bath...... my body had a wonderful water caressed afternoon - and it was exactly what it needed!

I woke up the next day with so much clarity it was wonderful.......

Then yesterday a really good seminar which reflected back to me where my thinking is and reaffirmed what I know - but even when you 'know' it is sometimes difficult to 'know' you 'know'!

And I  DO KNOW!!!!!!!!

Love the clarity.

So waking up in Paris - off to Brussels later - feeling really positive and happy. Know I have a lot of work to do but know that I can see where I am going!

Yesterday at the seminar a guy talked about 'knowing' in the French language - it was part of a deep discussion. There are three versions of the verb to know:

Savoir - to know
Savoir-faire - to know how to
Savoir-être - to know oneself

This has really helped my thinking as we need all three kinds of knowing..... and we can't use the first two without the third.

So I do know and I know how- but most importantly I know these through knowing myself!

Happiness is!

In two days time it will be the 8th anniversary of Chris's death and the third anniversary of my Father's death and it is good to be alive. To recognise what these two beautiful mean gave me, to love their memories and to be consciously happy on my own journey which is the legacy of theirs.

I feel a huge wave of gratitude.................

Off again!

......and I don't yet feel fully grounded after Vienna and Prague!

This afternoon I fly to Paris then on to Brussels on Wednesday and back on Friday.

Vienna was huge... and it felt not only the end of something big but also the beginning of something enormous! It felt overwhelming at times when I was there  - and also in the last week since I have been back home. I can see the big picture and that is so exciting but I am not yet able to see clearly the details of the path.... I know I need to just let it happen but of course this is not an easy thing to do!!!

But as I have been doing this all my life - I really do know how to do this - I suppose the difference is the level of consciousness - I am very aware - at different levels that I am manifesting my own future - and because everything is connected this goes beyond me - and because I am doing this consciously I have to take on the responsibility that goes along with that - BUT and this is the really hard bit - not to let fear come anywhere into the picture.

So going with the flow of conscious creation - BUFFFF! That's a biggie for 7 o'clock in the morning....but it feels like butterflies in my tummy - but of anticipation not fear! Wow!!!!!!!!!

whirlwind.....

.... have been very aware that I have not blogged for a couple of weeks.... but it has been an AMAZING couple of weeks......

back in Liverpool but still not grounded after Vienna...

I look forward to blogging and reflecting on the massive changes going on in my life....

.... not certain when that will happen though!

All good - actually all beyond good - but that sounds bonkers - but hey that's how it feel much of the time!!!

Short blogg!

Am home twice since I blogged - probably!

A week today I arrived home from Cairo, then went immediately to London very early the next day and then to the Spirithorse valley the next day........ and then I got back yesterday and I then went to work today and............ now I think need to stop and work out where and what I am!

Ok - what am I? - I am very happy...... I have been to amazing places..... and I have met and connected with wonderful people - but sometimes it does feel like my life is just one big beautiful roller coaster! I am also feeling a bit spaced out..... which might be because of where I've been and what I've been doing..... or might be because I've had a Egyptian tummy bug now for over a week!

So this will be a short blogg - early to bed, catch up on sleep and maybe come down to land tomorrow! Or maybe not - it's all very interesting!!!!!!

The valley was amazing though - such a powerful sense of belonging - my heart sings with gratitude and I can't stop smiling!

Reading my blogg can make me cry...........

..... it's Saturday morning and I'm still in bed - I have been happily slobbing after a busy week, a transatlantic flight and a lovely night out with Gilly last night. I wanted to look back at a previous trip to Canada and to see what I had written at the time - which I did and it was good to recognise myself then - but also myself now...... I have come a long way.

Well then I started to read other earlier entries and I caught a glimpse of the sadness I felt in those years after Chris died.......... it made me cry....... I have come a long way!

I am enjoying the tears running down my face - beautiful tears of love but also of life....... I read about the 16 year old Jimmy that I was so worried about at the time -  now a married man and living in Prague - WOW!

Things are happening so quickly and also so amazingly - I don't know why I am amazed because I just know...... that I create my life.

I had a conversation on Thursday night with someone who is changing my life - by just being in my life - he has made me think differently.... I am conscious of this and consciously following my intuition as things unfold. When I talked about my future he said: Now is the time to take responsibility. Which came as a complete surprise but once he said it - I knew instinctively that he is right...... Now is the time to take responsibility - and this is what I will do - wherever it takes me..... I am amazed at my life and yes I have come a long way!!!!!!!!!

Talking, talking, talking.......

........ tonight am home - arrived back from Canada this morning - after a week of 'non-stop' talking.....
in Toronto, Hamilton, Detroit and Toronto.... talking, listening, reflecting, remembering...... it was amazing!

I know my work is about learning - and from how I see it - from a soul's perspective - being incarnated/being human - is all about learning....... so being what I am - and doing what I do - is just so fulfilling - because it is all about learning!

Being born  a human being is to learn - or should I say being given the opportunity to learn - and what I want to say is - YES let's take it!!!!!!!

Well that blogg surprised me!

It is getting late - I should be and am tired but my body is now beginning to wake up!

I have just spent the evening talking on the phone - catching up, being in my family's/friends lives - great stuff - tomorrow a big work day - so maybe I should encourage my tired body to forget it's time differences and just go to bed......

...... but there again I just feel so excited about the things that are happening in this my life!!!!!!