The weekend was not long enough

Feeling very tired at the moment - and yes I have had a good weekend - never did the walk with Gilly - a combination of rain and stuff - but the rest happened - a lovely birthday tea yesterday - half way between Jamal's and Aziz's birthday - on request tomato soup and home made bread rolls - Chris would have been proud of them - not baking as regularly as he did - but have started to make bread occasionally - and should do it more often as home made bread is pretty special!

Went for lunch with Mum, Dad, Jim and Becki today - Rob was working and the boys went home as it is the fifth anniversary of Heff's death today - made me remember sitting on Peri's sofa that awful morning telling the boys that their Dad had died - they were only 5 and 8 at the time - a good contrast with last night when Rob and I played very competitive cards with the boys - a lovely normal family evening.

Lunch today was also lovely - Becki was gorgeous and Mum and Dad were both in good form - Dad's hearing aids seem to be working better and he was more involved in the conversation - he is so sharp - my Dad is pretty magic - he doesn't really converse very much these days - and if he does start talking my Mum often just talks over him - but when he talks it is special - he started crying today when he talked about friends who died at Dunkirk. he is now 90 and my Mum is 88 - though she doesn't look it and still swims 20 plus lengths most days. She has just been eased off the Abbeyfield Committee - they seem to have done it well and it must have been difficult for them - she has been secretary for the last 30+ years and key to their current building etc etc - but she is probably several if not many years older than most of their residents - she is pretty amazing too!

Anyway I feel pretty tired tonight and don't really feel ready for next week which will be a hard one - but the good thing is that I'm off next Friday to Provence with Gilly for a few days as her 50th birthday holiday. Funny can't believe Gilly is 50 - she was about 14 when I first met her! Gilly has given up smoking after 30+ years and has found it as difficult as it is - she has done really well though - but really giving up smoking means changing your life and lifestyle - not easy things to do by any means.

Have just read my emails and really feel for this guy I know - as he had managed to send this very personal email to one person to an email list which I'm on. It was a long and very personally reflective email that he had intended for one person which by mistake he sent to all of us followed by an other email when he had realised what he had done. Thought about my blogg but thought that although I don't know who is reading this (with a few exceptions) I am aware that people are reading it and write with that knowledge.

Still I love my blogg! it gives me space to write/talk about myself and for those of you that are interested enough to read it - thank you!!!!

Tired and not convinced..

Been an irritating and tiring week - came back from Edinburgh this evening - it's a long journey, especially as I only went up yesterday afternoon.

Last night went for dinner with colleagues and especially Fiona from Glasgow. We had a really good conversation 'til quite late on - our careers have had a lot of similarities and over the years we have got quite close - so that was good. I talked about dancing and also reflected on being in Edinburgh - not a huge first - but I had lived there for three years with Chris and sometimes a place or a thing will get you thinking and talking!

Feel a bit dissatisfied at the moment, work mainly - not the people or the place but the frustration that sometimes comes in any job. It's making me question what I want to do in the future - already a bit of a question in my mind and I suppose when something is on your mind - everything just reinforces it!

Anyway - a nice weekend to stop thinking about work - a walk with Gilly tomorrow, the boys and a birthday tea for Jamal tomorrow night with them staying over and then on Sunday, lunch with my parents, Jimmy and Becki , Rob's working, for Mum's 88th birthday which we missed because of the wedding last weekend. So hopefully a full and leisurely weekend when I can stop my brain whirling and hopefully get some sleep.

Very special wedding

Quaco and Sophie’s wedding was so lovely. I went with Margaret and we felt very honoured as our role in their meeting was acknowledged in the speeches and the actual ceremony. The links with Sophie and Quaco are special – deepened as a consequence of Sophie being with me when I got that awful phone call from Jimmy - sometimes people just become special in your life and they are – they are also just two of the loveliest people I know. So an extra-ordinarily happy wedding as the beaming smiles in this picture show!




Another working week tomorrow – hope the pleasure of the weekend stays with me – but I think I will better this week – hope so – the thoughts of my lovely friends also give me a warm feeling –and yes spring is in the air!

visiting dark places

I’ve had a shit day and though I recognise that these things happen from time to time – I’m still struggling a bit with everything at the moment -like everyone does.

Tonight – I can’t find any real justification for anything apart from I’m trying to do the best with my life. The fact is that I’m just feeling a bit lost at the moment.

My lovely Rob came round tonight – unexpectedly – it was if he knew I was feeling so low – and he told me that he’s come off his medication and he wanted to talk – I feel a pretty shit mother – cos I was obsessed with myself and my own shit day – but Rob is so lovely - he thinks so much – and who should say he shouldn’t - but I‘m just feeling so low I don’t know anything very much at the moment.Perhaps it's good for Rob to see me not coping - Jim's out tonight which I'm glad about.

Days like today happen – sometimes you feel shit – and I suppose that – know – that I should just recognise this – feeling very vulnerable though – but that’s life – you go up and down – hoping tomorrow that I will find a justification for doing what I do/exist for – not certain what the alternatives are but hope I can find them tomorrow.

Wide awake

Saturday night

Gilly has been round for tea –drinking wine, watching TV, talking, being mates – being home – good stuff – my brain is still buzzing from being away – body also – wide awake at 12.30 – when I should be knackered – not certain if I will get up at 9 tomorrow for a run!

Jim wasn’t very well last night – had a temperature and a bad cough – he seemed better today – out at Richard’s tonight – but that’s just a few doors down – felt glad I was home when he felt unwell – though I was out on Lark Lane with Gilly last night early on – being selfish in many ways.

My Mum said that it was good for Jimmy, as the baby of the family, to have to take responsibility – with me being away etc – and like all these things I think yes and no. He didn’t need/deserve what happened to him – but maybe it has given him real strength and it certainly has changed him for the rest of his life.

Also makes me aware that I’m also a third child (and child of two third children) – never had the responsibility of my older sisters – took me so long to understand many things which maybe Jimmy now understands – Chris certainly understood so many more things more than I did/do – his childhood experiences - gave him grief but also knowledge.

I have felt a real Chris loss the last couple of days – my head’s buzzing and I miss the ‘talking through stuff’ I would have had with Chris – hence two long bloggs!

My current obsession – compounded by the books that I have been reading - have made me think a lot about the things that you have absolutely no control over – like your mother’s state of mind, life style etc while she was carrying you – I think I had though through some of the stuff about the family environment for a baby/child – but the more I think it through - the more I see the legacy being a so incredibly fundamental part of who you are. Again my mantra – how lucky am I.

But it also makes me also think about my children – I can but hope I/we did our best – we did what we thought was good for our children and ourselves - but whether that was the right thing - I don't know. It also makes me think about definitions of ‘success’ – this is something that is so huge that my brain really does hurt tonight!

It’s now 1 in the morning and I think I should sleep. Thinking is good though……..

happy to be home...............

Back home in my favourite bed combo – camomile tea, hot water bottle, MY music and blogging.

Today started somewhere and at sometime in the middle of the Atlantic – got home 11ish and after a quick sleep – went into work briefly with Jimmy as he had a maths session with his tutor Helena and I wanted to show myself at work – building work seems ongoing but Debs seems to have got on top of the crazy furniture situation and all seemed purposeful and good.

Rob, Jim and I went to Tesco’s – managed the shopping bit - put 35p worth of petrol in tank and flooded the forecourt with petrol before giving up – one task to much for a tired brain!

It was so lovely to be home tonight – back on my sofa – knitting and watching the last episode of the Big Experiment.

Brain full of the last week – it was a good one – in particular the Medicine Wheel – spent time at the conference talking and being inspired by First Nation Canadians and their wonderful approach to holistic education. Much food for thought.

Being away – makes me so appreciative of my life – the ‘So how lucky am I mantra’ – fills my being tonight. It’s nearly midnight and I have a full day tomorrow but the jetlag starts kicking in at this time and I don’t feel ready for sleep – after a week of wanting to go bed by 9 most nights and then being wide awake at 4.30!

Read 2 books on the way home – one a story of a hundred plus year of a Metis family – which was one of those happen chance things as I have just spent 3 days talking to people from Manitoba – and the other on the Medicine Wheel – again – as I had just chosen the books at ‘random’ – it’s resonance was remarkable – I bought a third book but I’m too tired tonight to start reading it – but I know it will provide further food for thought.

Very full of thoughts tonight – so happy to be home – boys, Mum and Dad fine – though my Mum was cross with herself for falling again today – her body is getting tired but her spirit is still very strong – thankfully she didn’t break any bones.

Camomile tea, fragrant oils and music doing their trick - sleep is a warm prospect………………

America

I find America such an incredibly difficult place – the profligacy and wanton waste of resources, including people, very quickly gets to me. The recession and the election seem to have added another layer of barely hidden hysteria to the country this time. Went out for dinner with Brenda last night and I think Trish was shocked by hearing her analysis of the reality of the American way of life for her students.

Anyway we are off to Boston today and Canada tomorrow – I’ve never been to Canada so I’m looking forward to that. It’s still very early here but I’ve been awake for what seems like ages – too much time think!

A long day of thinking - and a good book

I got back tonight late after not getting the job. Feel pretty jaded but strangely not because I didn’t get it - I sat in the middle of the interview thinking - I don’t really want to do the sorts of things they were asking me about - and dinner later on confirmed my gut feeling - but what the whole process has left me with is a strong sense of - Well – what do you want to do then!

I had seen the post as an opportunity for me to do more of the things I am committed to doing but in a bigger setting – but the actual job wouldn’t have been that. I’ve had a lot of time to think today – as I had to stay over to Friday as the successful candidate attended a board meeting today – so I had booked on a late flight the day after the interview. I finally heard at 10 this morning, that I hadn’t got the job so I went to Amsterdam - tried to buy a new outfit for Sophie’s wedding but ended up walking/tramming miles and thinking about things.

I also must have passed almost every hotel/restaurant/memorable Chris location in Amsterdam – it was that sort of day - we went quite a few times just Chris and I, but also with the boys and friends including 17 of us for Chris’s 50th Birthday.

So a long - and in many ways - a boring day – but a day when I didn’t get a job but also one which has made me quite glad that I didn’t get it – but a day that also gave me a lot of time to think about what do I want to do now. I also had a wonderful book that I had bought in the aiport on the way out - about India - it gave me the best bits of my day.

Back home – in my own bed – with a glass of wine, a large camomile tea AND a hot water bottle – I am so very happy to be home – I’m glad I applied for the post – I think that as a widow of 18 months – to have made a realistic application is a pretty good mind set – I’m genuinely glad I didn’t get it because I don’t think it would have been right for me – BUT it has raised the big question – one which all of us face - but circumstances make us comfortable and so we don’t address it – what am I going to do with the rest of my life?

Anyway got home – Jim’s round at Joe’s – pile of letters including a string of Nepalese prayer flags from my sister Jenny – I will put them on a pole in the garden - that's a good thing to do.

Feeling happy - a combination of blogging my thoughts and being comfortably at home – the epicentre of my life/world - doesn't answer the question of what I'm going to do with the rest of my life - but makes me appreciate what I have got!

Easter Saturday

Easter is always a funny holiday with a bank holiday on the Friday – but this year it seems very weird – as it's just so early. I had intended to take the boys away for a few days – but just never got round to organising it – and then Easter arrived!

Glad of a few days off though. Things at work still a real mess, in terms of the move, with the furniture order and delivery being completely shambolic. The actual work is good and busy, though the building being such a mess is starting to get at me - and the rest of the team I think – they have had to deliver big sets of activities – like summer schools – working out of it. They are a great team though – I had a visitor the other day and we were talking about who was in the team, and how they’d got there etc – and it made me really recognise the fact, that they are a pretty unique set of people. I suppose that’s one of the major reasons that I love my job – because of them. Another how lucky moment!

Got my interview on Thursday and I am feeling quite nervous – not about the interview itself - but about what happens if I do get it - as it will be my first big change since Chris died. It wouldn’t involve leaving my current job as it would be part-time but it would be a new big thing for me.

I am trying to be very rational about whether I get it or not. I know that there are two of us being interviewed and that I’m not the no 1 candidate – and I know to get the post I will have to convince them that the organisation needs to change – so if I do get it then they want change – i.e. me and I’ll be pleased and excited – and if I don’t get it - it means they don’t want change and therefore it wont be me and I will pleased not have got the job!

So I shall now try not to think about it until Wednesday!

Alex’s is home so Jim will have another few days of Physics and I’m knitting Lara a hat – am making loads of hats at the moment – Gilly round for tea tonight and then a load tomorrow for Sophie’s 21st dinner and then walking on Monday with the boys and the Heyhursts – hope the weather’s a bit better for Monday – and I want to get back in time to dance. I have just booked a weeks dancing in Spain in June – and am really excited about the prospect. Dancing is a really big thing in my life at the moment – it’s my focus and also the time when I stop thinking – it’s that kind of dancing!

I’m increasingly feeling happy which is a good feeling. I was talking about it to Stella last night over a curry – how my brain/heart had a lot of connections to Chris which were suddenly and overnight cut. I haven’t lost any of these connections to things in the past - as those only now exist in the past but I did lose all the current connections. Over time I’ve made new connections to different things and people – and as my brain/heart builds up connections – it is increasingly making me feel happy. Makes sense to me!

Another week flies by.............

It’s Saturday morning and I’m still in bed – don’t feel as stressed, just hung over, went round to Deirdre’s last night and then met Les, Sophie and Fiona in Estabans – so it was like two lots of wine drinking in one night! Decided last night that I had been really stressed last weekend – the lack of sleep through waking ridiculously early didn’t help - so even though I feel a bit rough this morning – do feel less stressed - talking helps. It was very good talking to Deirdre last night – her father has just died suddenly – so we went deep.

Going to pick the boys up this morning as they’re staying tonight as Peri is rehearsing – going for a walk tomorrow – but nothing else planned – feeling a bit lazy but I can hear the dog barking - time to get up!

Stress!

As I ran through the park yesterday morning - I decided I am feeling stressed at the moment!

The move at work has been extremely shambolic - despite the best efforts of Debbie and the rest of the team - and much harder than I anticipated – three weeks which have given me tangible proof that Chris was right - attention to the little things in life is so important!

A busy ‘boy friendly’ weekend with Gilly round on Saturday night – writing my ‘Strategy’ for the interview in a fortnight - and continuing to put Chris’s music onto the computer and the fun bit - selecting two playlists of music for dancing tonight!

I have decided I’m stressed because I keep waking up ridiculously early – sometimes I start working and other times listen to music – but just not getting back to sleep. Have decided am not worried about being stressed but am glad I have recognised it.

Visible confidence!

I just wanted to tell my blogg - and anyone else who might be remotely interested that Jim got an A in his History mock AS exam - he also just passed his Maths and Physics. Given that the school wanted him to leave in December and he hadn't got more than 10% in any exam since he did his GCSEs - he has done so well - and it's all about confidence.

Going back to school after his Dad died - and then struggling to concentrate - his lack of achievement being constantly reinforced by test failure - just knocked the stuffing out of him. Going back last September with a temporary and un-sustained positivity just led to a crumbling of his self-belief. It has been hard to know how to support him -and I have really struggled with it - but with the help of his brothers, and a post grad maths Student Tutor - he has turned it round - he confidence has been visibly lifted!

Given the job that I do - seeing at first hand how the lack of confidence can have such major impact - has made me think - but from a Mum's point of view it's lovely to see my gorgeous boy blossom!

Still moving on but now with music!

Another busy week, our second in the new building but it's still a real mess. Too busy to have any profound thoughts - but maybe that's an indication that things are OK!

Have been downloading Chris's CDs of music onto the extra hard disc that Rob put on the computer. It's going to be a long process as they are all currently just Track 1,2,3 etc and I'm typing in the track and artist before downloading. But I think it's important - I would hate for the CDs to get lost or unusable for any reason and not to have a copy of them.

I'm also starting to remix my own CDs, at the moment only for dancing, but once I have them all on the computer - I'll be able to make my own playlists and CDs - I'm look forward to doing that. But they will be my compilations with some of Chris's, some of Jimmy's, Hannah's - so my music!

As the perceived non musical member of this family - I'm happy to be making my own choices and preferences. Couldn't have done it without Chris - but I suppose that's the story of my life!

Looking back a year

After I posted the Blogg below - I looked back to last February - and what a difference a year has made! The Jimmy and Tricia of last year have moved on so much - so that's good.

Very busy week

During which we moved offices. I thought moving a team of 21 would be quite a big job – but it was actually more hard work than I had imagined. A hundred little things and a lot of mess!

Last weekend away with Peri and Nita was lovely – the hotel was really nice and the weather was gorgeous and we talked, ate, drank wine, laughed did a little bit of walking and lots and lots more talking! So exactly what was required, I know Nita and Peri are living with so much more pressure and stress than me, and I have huge admiration for both of them. It was also lovely to see how much my boys are appreciated by them both. The weekend away was only possible because of my boys and I don’t think they realise how important their part is, in the lives of Nita, Peri, Neil, Aziz and Jamal. Chris and I did a good job with our lovely three sons.

Estabaned on Friday and Amnesty Quiz last night – we came third, Lara and Alex home and today we are all going to see Olivia, my parent’s first Great Grand Child. I have knitted some very cute pink things. My parent’s are treasuring the arrival of this very special representative of the next generation. I am sure there will be more but I don’t know how many of them my parents will see.

Busy and happier

Cardiff and London this week with lots of packing and shredding prior to the move on Monday.

Feel happier in myself – the depression – ‘What’s the purpose of life?’ type feeling seems to have lifted which is good.

It’s Saturday morning and Alex came home last night – he’s going to put Jimmy through his Maths and Physics prior to his mocks on Monday.

I’m going away for a night with Nita and Peri, the boys are staying here and Rob is staying with Neil. Both of them deserve a break as they are both coping with a lot more stress than I am. Nita hasn’t had a night off from caring for years and Peri has been running herself ragged with the success of the Choir on top of a full time teaching job and looking after the boys single handedly. So we are going to a posh hotel for a luxury night’s break. But my day will start with walking the dog followed by breakfast and the quiz with my lovely boys.

So how can I be down – how lucky am I……

Friday night

I feel like I’m going through a strange patch at the moment – but maybe life is just a series of strange patches – and the last week has made me revisit quite a lot of them!

I last moved offices over 10 years ago and I’ve worked at the University for over 20 years and I’ve spend the best part of this week – when not in Cardiff – going deep into my life. I felt like throwing the lot away but Paul – who never keeps anything – said that much of the stuff should be archived – for future researchers – and when I looked at it – it is an idiosyncratic version of Liverpool’s history – so I sorted and ended up with two things – an unusual collection of reports etc of their time – mainly 1985 – 1995 and then in a similar time scale - things that I was directly involved in.

Hindsight is an amazing thing – or maybe it’s just the understanding that age and experience gives you – but I looked back at myself and I was surprised how much I quite admired that Tricia - she was quite cheeky – though not very strategic - I felt that I do understand more now. But then I had an overwhelming sense of what has changed – or not changed – and that was depressing. How many wheels have been re-invented – how many lessons not learnt – how much older am I – and how much of my life has gone by! My snapshot being a tiny element in the world but a snapshot never the less and for all that work is anything much better?

Anyway it’s now Friday night and I’m home – comfortably drinking a glass of wine – lap-topping in the front room – looking forward to walking with my sisters tomorrow morning, having the boys tomorrow night and then I suppose at some point coming to terms with living life with all its imperfections and inadequacies- but what more can any of us do?

Being away and being at home.

One of Varazdin's angels.

Have been increasingly aware that I had not done my blogg for ages - haven't had the technology and/or wakefulness to do it - and I've missed it. I have actually read my blogg when away - on the fancy phone but not quite been able to use the technology to write a blogg - though I nearly managed it somewhere! I did find it re-assuring to read myself - and amaze at the technology!

Back at home after Vienna and Cardiff – both of which were very good for me and through which I learnt a lot. Am struggling at the moment to keep positive – being away is in some ways easy as I can put things to the back of my mind but being back home – I am very aware of all the things that are so much part of my new post Chris life. Today was not good – unexpected things happen – things caused by my not thinking things through. I have also had a couple of nights of weird Chris dreams. They are weird – as I am there – (dreamworld) having a conversation (vivid setting) with Chris – the discussion is happy and relaxed but this is matched by a strong feeling that he cannot/should not be seen by others. I’m having these quite regularly at the moment.

I’m sure this is a very normal dream to have but they upset me and add an under-current of uncertainty to my life. I wondered whether to ask the boys if they dream of their Dad – I don’t think I’ll ask Jimmy but I might ask the other two.

We are all moving offices at the moment which is exciting but also means that I’m sorting through my professional life too – which I think also is unsettling me. But time to be positive – how lucky am I to have my lovely boys, the opportunity to travel, to be moving with my lovely team into an amazing building – so time to stop myself being morose and to be positive.

Back home and it's Friday

It's Friday night and I'm pretty shattered after a long day at work but not complaining after having a lovely week away and now being very happy to be at home. Jimmy seems to have coped well in my absence and cooked well for himself - Rob was around - full of cold/flu but reassuringly present. My and Jim's new life has evolved as Jim grows older and we both get used to living without Chris/Dad.

This one paragraph blogg has taken me ages to write as my tiredness has really kicked in - it's Friday night and it has been a very very long week. Tomorrow I will hopefully sleep in and then do very little for the rest of the weekend - sounds good to me!



Reminding myself where I've been - back to the mantra - how lucky am I!

My birthday in Varazdin

Has been amazing!

In 1999 I found the FOI webcam when planning our first holiday in Croatia, and now 9 years on - I'm in my dear friend Renata's flat having had a wonderful day visiting a castle followed by lunch at Blazenka's after yeterday being treated to a birthday dinner at Violetta's - and Margaret and I are here to work - which between all the eating and talking about families, friends and the meaning of life we are doing!

I have no idea how my life and Varazdin have become so embroiled - but the reality is - it has and I am just so amazed and appreciative of this.

What more can I say....................