Next weekend I’m going on a retreat, a 4 days Enlightenment Intensive programme. I heard about it a couple of months ago and felt a very strong desire to go to it. Now it’s got closer I’m beginning to get – I wouldn’t say worried – but certainly a bit nervous.
Have been feeling anxious for a few weeks now – not quite certain why – work – family - strong feeling of moving on. I’m also sorting and get rid of stuff – last weekend I had a moment when I realised that I could - and probably will live in another house! This is a big thought for me as I have lived in this one for over 30 years – it is the house of my life, the house of my life with Chris and my family. The realisation that I could live somewhere else was really powerful. At the moment I don’t want to, and can see no reason to move, but the fact that I can was quite exhilarating! Does add to this sense of uncertainty that I’m feeling at the moment. But it’s not a bad feeling. So next Thursday I go the Enlightenment Intensive in a beautiful place in Wales. I am anxious but also excited.
Last week I was in Barcelona, the conference was badly organised and not particularly useful, however I got a huge amount out of being there, and in particular spending a lot of time talking to Harinder. We have known each other, professionally, and as friends for many, many years and sometimes you can only understand things by talking to someone who understands where you are coming from. So we talked and talked and it was great! Barcelona was fun and I did speak and understand more Spanish, though it also made me aware of what a long way I’ve got to go. So time now for my Spanish homework. I think writing my blog is my homework for next weekend!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Sunny wintery showers....
...are not a bad thing - if you wrap up for the cold - and stay indoors when it's raining - and if you are outdoors when the sun shines through - it's magic!
I feel my life is a bit like sunny wintery showers at the moment, with lots of things happening. Some I've prepared for, like an anticipated busy time at work last week and some unexpected like my Dad going to hospital on Tuesday, hopefully to come out next week.
Between these ‘cold and rain’ times were real moments of sunshine, like being at the hospital with my parents yesterday and us sharing a joke - and really feeling the powerful love between us. But as these are winter showers I also know, I must treasure that love, as physically we may not share too many more moments like that.
Special moments this week, like being close to Rob when he was down and knowing that he would not stay there long – and he didn’t, thinking about that makes my heart sing.
I had a lot of visitors at work this week, and another sunshine point was a second hand complement, through which I was amazed to hear how someone felt I had impacted really positively on her work.
So winter showers are OK really and I suppose the secret is as far as possible to prepare for them and to really savour those moments of sunshine.
I feel my life is a bit like sunny wintery showers at the moment, with lots of things happening. Some I've prepared for, like an anticipated busy time at work last week and some unexpected like my Dad going to hospital on Tuesday, hopefully to come out next week.
Between these ‘cold and rain’ times were real moments of sunshine, like being at the hospital with my parents yesterday and us sharing a joke - and really feeling the powerful love between us. But as these are winter showers I also know, I must treasure that love, as physically we may not share too many more moments like that.
Special moments this week, like being close to Rob when he was down and knowing that he would not stay there long – and he didn’t, thinking about that makes my heart sing.
I had a lot of visitors at work this week, and another sunshine point was a second hand complement, through which I was amazed to hear how someone felt I had impacted really positively on her work.
So winter showers are OK really and I suppose the secret is as far as possible to prepare for them and to really savour those moments of sunshine.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Busy week and the last ever parents evening ever................
This week flew by – work plus - dancing, two Spanish sessions with Hector, Jimmy Meet the Teach Night, a night in with a bottle wine with Deidre and a night out with Gilly and tapas. Busy, busy, busy which is good.
Fiona’s family is coping with a lot at the moment with Ian having an operation to remove a giant abscess on Monday and Becki having a baby next June. My Mum is very excited at the prospect of becoming a Great Grand-Mother again and my little sister will be a Granny!
This week I went to my last ever school parent’s evening - I have always deeply hated parent's evening - Chris used to go – and this one lived up to the others – and I found it a deeply unsettling occasion.
Jimmy is a student of extremes and he too was visibly upset by the process - what is about teachers! I felt extremes - a range of emotions from deep pride to frustration with Jimmy and extreme empathy and anger with the teachers we met. The end is in sight in that he is applying to university in Liverpool but obviously has to pass his exams this year. He is working, but passively – I think Jimmy is actually very shy. He can be the life and soul of the party with his friends but completely unable to ask a question of a teacher or a stranger – just like his Mother!!
I have consulted both Deirdre and Gilly and have decided to have a party on New Year’s Eve. For years Chris and I always had big parties and then there was a period of dinner party type New Years, some more memorable than others! Then for the last few years as the boys did their own thing, Chris and I went away for New Year. His last one we spent with Alan and Moira in Mallorca and was truly special.
My first New Year on my own I just had the boys round and we played cards. Last year I went to the Kimberley Club with Paul, Sue and Kipper and that was lovely. But this year I am going to invite anyone who wants to come to my house to celebrate the New Year.
Plenty of things to do first though. Boys coming round tonight so think I will make their favourite tea, tomato soup with croutons and I definitely need to get that back room cleared!
Fiona’s family is coping with a lot at the moment with Ian having an operation to remove a giant abscess on Monday and Becki having a baby next June. My Mum is very excited at the prospect of becoming a Great Grand-Mother again and my little sister will be a Granny!
This week I went to my last ever school parent’s evening - I have always deeply hated parent's evening - Chris used to go – and this one lived up to the others – and I found it a deeply unsettling occasion.
Jimmy is a student of extremes and he too was visibly upset by the process - what is about teachers! I felt extremes - a range of emotions from deep pride to frustration with Jimmy and extreme empathy and anger with the teachers we met. The end is in sight in that he is applying to university in Liverpool but obviously has to pass his exams this year. He is working, but passively – I think Jimmy is actually very shy. He can be the life and soul of the party with his friends but completely unable to ask a question of a teacher or a stranger – just like his Mother!!
I have consulted both Deirdre and Gilly and have decided to have a party on New Year’s Eve. For years Chris and I always had big parties and then there was a period of dinner party type New Years, some more memorable than others! Then for the last few years as the boys did their own thing, Chris and I went away for New Year. His last one we spent with Alan and Moira in Mallorca and was truly special.
My first New Year on my own I just had the boys round and we played cards. Last year I went to the Kimberley Club with Paul, Sue and Kipper and that was lovely. But this year I am going to invite anyone who wants to come to my house to celebrate the New Year.
Plenty of things to do first though. Boys coming round tonight so think I will make their favourite tea, tomato soup with croutons and I definitely need to get that back room cleared!
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
weeks flying by...................
Seem to be very busy at the moment and having that slightly panicky feeling that you get when you don't feel quite on top of things. Another busy weekend - Alex was home which was lovely and Rob and I went to Birmingham last night for Zahid's Walima. Going back to Birmingham for a meeting tomorrow and hoping I will get back in time for dancing. Feel I need to dance at the moment, gives me space to think by stopping thinking for a while!
Saturday, November 01, 2008
In my Liverpool home
It’s good to be away and it’s good to be home. Out last night with ‘the girls’ all of us over 50 now! - and it was special to be with them, news and worries, laughter, talking, good food and wine, THE combination. There were 6 of us out last night, all of us living and facing different lives and futures, but we talked honestly, openly and supportively as old friends do. I also met a couple of my new friends and invited them to dinner at mine some time soon. Old and new friends filling my life with love.
Old dog getting older, quite wobbly on his feet now, so I will take him for quite a short walk in the frosty park, followed by boys for breakfast after I’ve been shopping and then as I feel full of energy I think I will start to clear out the back room. It is so full of stuff. Feeling very strongly that I need to get rid of the clutter. My problem is that much of the stuff is old, for example some of the books and embroidery in the back room are well over a 100 years old, so I mustn’t throw them away but pass them onto someone who would appreciate them, my problem is I’m not quite sure how – but once the decision has been made – I will find the solution!
Old dog getting older, quite wobbly on his feet now, so I will take him for quite a short walk in the frosty park, followed by boys for breakfast after I’ve been shopping and then as I feel full of energy I think I will start to clear out the back room. It is so full of stuff. Feeling very strongly that I need to get rid of the clutter. My problem is that much of the stuff is old, for example some of the books and embroidery in the back room are well over a 100 years old, so I mustn’t throw them away but pass them onto someone who would appreciate them, my problem is I’m not quite sure how – but once the decision has been made – I will find the solution!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Happy in Slovenia
Staying at Franja’s in Velenje in
I was at a conference last week, and went out to dinner on Thursday night in
I obviously talked about Chris and tried to explain how special he was, as she had never met him. Talking, also made me see how the sudden loss of Chris created such a huge void in my heart and soul – a chasm of emptiness – that sudden loss of the one person that I could talk about anything and everything to. I am only now really beginning to fill the void with friends, some old, some new.
Talking that night made me see more clearly and understood my bereftness - particularly in that first year – I can see that my heart was rattling around alone in a huge empty space! I think these reflections are also as a consequence of seeing the wonderful closeness of Ioanna and Pete as they live through their worst nightmare – their shared love is so visible and so special.
But here I am in
Friday, October 17, 2008
Big and small things
This week has been a real roller coaster, starting on Monday morning with the news of Gareth's death, being with Dierdre, Richard, Pauline and Margaret and then being back at work. Going dancing on Monday evening and seriously stomping.
Working and getting stuff done. Not doing well at Spanish on Tuesday. Hector said I was so slow that people wouldn't wait for me to finish what I was saying! Then two evenings of old friends and the recognition of how short our lives are, and how lucky we are to be alive.
Last night, late on, I looked back at my blogg of Chris's funeral as I thought of Ioanna and Pete, and today I am going to their son's funeral.
The loveliest bit of my week was the arrival of a Hayhurst card.
As big things are happening, it is the small things that count.
Working and getting stuff done. Not doing well at Spanish on Tuesday. Hector said I was so slow that people wouldn't wait for me to finish what I was saying! Then two evenings of old friends and the recognition of how short our lives are, and how lucky we are to be alive.
Last night, late on, I looked back at my blogg of Chris's funeral as I thought of Ioanna and Pete, and today I am going to their son's funeral.
The loveliest bit of my week was the arrival of a Hayhurst card.
As big things are happening, it is the small things that count.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Old friends and life and death
It’s very late and I’m wide awake – I was out tonight with old friends – sitting round a table talking with people - some I’ve known over 35 years – none I’ve known less than 25 years. Some of whom I see very often – some I haven’t seen for about 18 years. I think all of us found it a bit weird – we talked of everyday things but also of past shared experiences, memories, families – we also talked of people who weren’t there – and young people that some of us have never met.
I was also very mindful tonight, as many of us have been all week, of the death of Ioanna’s son – I told Erica tonight – at the end of the evening - as she had not heard and I wished I hadn’t but knew I had too.
So wide awake – and thinking – not a good combination for one in the morning with work tomorrow. Earlier tonight I wrote Ioanna an email as she had replied to my letter – writing that email also made me think – obviously about Ioanna and Pete and where they are now – but also about Jenny and Alan – where they were 10 years ago - and since.
Thinking about old friends - but in my email to Ioanna I also talked of new friends - and how some people become closer - and some more distant.
So I’m writing my blogg cos my brains spinning and sometimes you just need to tell someone - and I tell my blogg.
I was also very mindful tonight, as many of us have been all week, of the death of Ioanna’s son – I told Erica tonight – at the end of the evening - as she had not heard and I wished I hadn’t but knew I had too.
So wide awake – and thinking – not a good combination for one in the morning with work tomorrow. Earlier tonight I wrote Ioanna an email as she had replied to my letter – writing that email also made me think – obviously about Ioanna and Pete and where they are now – but also about Jenny and Alan – where they were 10 years ago - and since.
Thinking about old friends - but in my email to Ioanna I also talked of new friends - and how some people become closer - and some more distant.
So I’m writing my blogg cos my brains spinning and sometimes you just need to tell someone - and I tell my blogg.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
A blur of a week....
I had the office virus this week – it was not bad enough to keep me off work completely – though I did stay at home on Tuesday – and missed dancing Monday evening - but it did made the week a bit of a blur. It’s Sunday morning and still feeling a bit rough – but don’t think I can blame the virus for this one, more the excellent wine I drank at Fiona’s and James last night whilst eating a lovely dinner and putting the world to rights!
Have been trying to practise my Spanish - as Juaquina is staying next weekend, I’ve been working through my Spanish powerpoints of verbs - I've got them changing every 5 seconds now and they have helped me – according to Hector - he said that I have improved a lot this week - when made me seriously chuffed! – but I know I still have a long way to go. I think the Michel Thomas approach has also really helped me as it focuses on looking for patterns in the language rather than rote learning of verbs. It has made me think about ‘learning styles’ and how important it is to recognise your own. I just can’t learn lists – I need to use the words to find a purpose in memorising them – so I go around the house and park etc muttering away to myself – well next weekend I can talk to Juaqui!
Boys coming round later – don’t know what we’ll do – will see what they fancy – I can feel a mantra coming on – how lucky am I!
Have been trying to practise my Spanish - as Juaquina is staying next weekend, I’ve been working through my Spanish powerpoints of verbs - I've got them changing every 5 seconds now and they have helped me – according to Hector - he said that I have improved a lot this week - when made me seriously chuffed! – but I know I still have a long way to go. I think the Michel Thomas approach has also really helped me as it focuses on looking for patterns in the language rather than rote learning of verbs. It has made me think about ‘learning styles’ and how important it is to recognise your own. I just can’t learn lists – I need to use the words to find a purpose in memorising them – so I go around the house and park etc muttering away to myself – well next weekend I can talk to Juaqui!
Boys coming round later – don’t know what we’ll do – will see what they fancy – I can feel a mantra coming on – how lucky am I!
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Sunday dinner in my house
A week last Friday when I made the Prayer Flags – I also went round the house – asking in every room for the spirit of Chris to ‘leave the house’ – that sounds heavy but it wasn’t – I hadn’t planned it – it just seemed the right thing to do that day. It was part of the process of moving on – a sort of cleansing – acknowledging that the time has come for him to go.
Anyway today I had a roast lamb dinner – Grant, Erica, Jack, Laurie, Perri, Aziz, Jamal, Nita, Gilly, Jim, Rob and me. A lovely dinner – I did the roast lamb with lots of vegetables and Yorkshire puds etc and the Luscombes did three gorgeous puddings. It was in many ways like so many Sunday dinners in this house – but it was also different – in that it was ‘Chris free’ – it wasn’t that we didn’t talk about him, because we did, it wasn’t that we didn’t love him because we all do – it was just that it felt ‘Chris free’.
Two years on is a different place - and did I so enjoyed today’s dinner – it was happy and just lovely – it also really made me recognise that Chris has now gone and after two years we must understand that he has completely gone.
I am the legacy of Chris – he made the woman I am – and I will always love him for that but I must also really understand that I now live my life without him. Profound thoughts after a special Sunday dinner.
Anyway today I had a roast lamb dinner – Grant, Erica, Jack, Laurie, Perri, Aziz, Jamal, Nita, Gilly, Jim, Rob and me. A lovely dinner – I did the roast lamb with lots of vegetables and Yorkshire puds etc and the Luscombes did three gorgeous puddings. It was in many ways like so many Sunday dinners in this house – but it was also different – in that it was ‘Chris free’ – it wasn’t that we didn’t talk about him, because we did, it wasn’t that we didn’t love him because we all do – it was just that it felt ‘Chris free’.
Two years on is a different place - and did I so enjoyed today’s dinner – it was happy and just lovely – it also really made me recognise that Chris has now gone and after two years we must understand that he has completely gone.
I am the legacy of Chris – he made the woman I am – and I will always love him for that but I must also really understand that I now live my life without him. Profound thoughts after a special Sunday dinner.
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Yoghurt and honey
It’s ridiculously early on Saturday morning – so early that I have just met Jim going to bed! He was in the front room with Richard and Jack – and I could hear their voices – deep and continuous – and I thought how wonderful it is that Jim has such a great set of mates and even though quite a few have gone away to uni – he has many still here – studying from home. I loved the continuousness of their voices, talking and talking.
Jim’s back at school and finding that a bit lonely – as there is only a handful of them from his original year left. The good thing is he goes to the library and works because he is on his own!
Rob passed his driving test this week – which means I’ll be getting the bus more often – it also makes things a bit easier all round! One of the reasons I’m awake so early is that I went for a pint after work - as I was on the bus – and then went to bed really early as I just couldn’t stay awake – it had been a pretty mad week at work as well!
So I’m in bed with a cup of tea – in the mug with flags of the world – and have just had my morning fix of yoghurt and honey. This is a legacy of my summer – home-made honey from Slovenia and Croatia – gifts from Renata, Ana and Franja and yoghurt from my yoghurt maker – purchased after staying with Tano and Juaquina in Gigon. I’m addicted to yoghurt and honey – it is just so gorgeous as they say in Asturias! They are also very symbolic of my new life and friendships – and if there were two things that Chris, who was not a fussy man, really disliked - they were yoghurt and honey!
I have also got a Spanish tutor Hector and I have made a rolling powerpoint of Spanish verbs which I will now spend time practising before my lovely old dog demands to go to the park – well at least it’s getting light now!
Jim’s back at school and finding that a bit lonely – as there is only a handful of them from his original year left. The good thing is he goes to the library and works because he is on his own!
Rob passed his driving test this week – which means I’ll be getting the bus more often – it also makes things a bit easier all round! One of the reasons I’m awake so early is that I went for a pint after work - as I was on the bus – and then went to bed really early as I just couldn’t stay awake – it had been a pretty mad week at work as well!
So I’m in bed with a cup of tea – in the mug with flags of the world – and have just had my morning fix of yoghurt and honey. This is a legacy of my summer – home-made honey from Slovenia and Croatia – gifts from Renata, Ana and Franja and yoghurt from my yoghurt maker – purchased after staying with Tano and Juaquina in Gigon. I’m addicted to yoghurt and honey – it is just so gorgeous as they say in Asturias! They are also very symbolic of my new life and friendships – and if there were two things that Chris, who was not a fussy man, really disliked - they were yoghurt and honey!
I have also got a Spanish tutor Hector and I have made a rolling powerpoint of Spanish verbs which I will now spend time practising before my lovely old dog demands to go to the park – well at least it’s getting light now!
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Thinking of Sue
Sue's Dad died on Monday and am so glad I sent them the prayer flags - thinking tonight about them - and other friends - making me recognise how important friends are to me - and have been - all my life - but the last two years in particular.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
The weekend in stages...
This morning Sue phoned to say she had received their string of Prayer Flags - it was a special moment as I have thought over the last couple of days - am I on my own with this stuff - but Paul and Sue's reaction - and Gilly last night has been wonderful. The boys - Chris's sons! have now signed their own Prayer Flags which I have added to mine on the string in the garden and on their suggestion we have reserved two for Aziz and Jamal!
Tired tonight after a day dancing - lovely to come home to my three beautiful boys - we have just had tea - rather strange mixture of veggie things - but feel so happy tonight - and happy is good.
Tired tonight after a day dancing - lovely to come home to my three beautiful boys - we have just had tea - rather strange mixture of veggie things - but feel so happy tonight - and happy is good.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Prayer flags
Today I cut up some of the cloth that Rene took to the Sweat Lodge and made it into Prayer Flags, I then wrote my name on each flag and hung them in my garden for the wind to blow.
I took this picture from the spot where Chris last looked at the world.
Then as I had the sewing machine out I made the dog a new bed!
Now I'm going for a pub lunch with two of my beautiful boys and we have made a Chile sin Carne for the third one.
I took this picture from the spot where Chris last looked at the world.
Then as I had the sewing machine out I made the dog a new bed!
Now I'm going for a pub lunch with two of my beautiful boys and we have made a Chile sin Carne for the third one.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Second Anniversary
Two years on and I’m home alone – it’s Thursday night and Jim has just gone out after we had a fishcake tea together – this is one of our favourite teas – very quick – frozen haddock pieces from Dial a Deli plus mashed potatoes and ‘fish spice’ from my holiday in Provence with Gilly, all fried together served with peas!
Busy day at work – didn’t get home till late - have been aware all week, and particularly today, that it’s my second anniversary. Drove home deliberately via a different route – coming home from work, I often get a flashback to ‘that’ drive home – 'The' phone call from Jim - 'The' drive home – knowing in my heart of hearts that it was the end for Chris - coming home and finding him in the back garden – gone – and then the whole thing happening, the hospital – me and our wonderful boys - the long night - and then my lovely Chris was gone.
Looked back at last year’s blog I am amazed to see how much stronger I am this year – tonight I intend to have a couple of glasses of wine and - do things like look at photos and let myself wallow a while - because I think these are good things to do now and then - and it is the second anniversary of the death of my husband.
Am taking tomorrow off work – got lots of things to do and in some ways the feeling that I could have gone in – and even should have gone in tomorrow – makes me see how much further I am on this year. So tomorrow I am going to get a new back yard gate fitted and as Jim’s at home – Baker Day – and Rob’s coming round - we will go out for lunch somewhere and then Alex is coming home tomorrow evening. Then Saturday I’m going dancing.
I don’t think I would have done this anyway as nearly as well - if I hadn’t found dancing – even went dancing in Washington last Saturday – how amazing is that! I do love dancing it is just so important to me – difficult to explain why – but I find real release and peace when I dance.
So two years on – I’m me – the widow of Chris Jenkins, the international educator, the mother of three lovely boys, daughter of two elderly parents, sister, aunt and friend and colleague of many – how lucky is she that Tricia – very lucky and she knows it.
Busy day at work – didn’t get home till late - have been aware all week, and particularly today, that it’s my second anniversary. Drove home deliberately via a different route – coming home from work, I often get a flashback to ‘that’ drive home – 'The' phone call from Jim - 'The' drive home – knowing in my heart of hearts that it was the end for Chris - coming home and finding him in the back garden – gone – and then the whole thing happening, the hospital – me and our wonderful boys - the long night - and then my lovely Chris was gone.
Looked back at last year’s blog I am amazed to see how much stronger I am this year – tonight I intend to have a couple of glasses of wine and - do things like look at photos and let myself wallow a while - because I think these are good things to do now and then - and it is the second anniversary of the death of my husband.
Am taking tomorrow off work – got lots of things to do and in some ways the feeling that I could have gone in – and even should have gone in tomorrow – makes me see how much further I am on this year. So tomorrow I am going to get a new back yard gate fitted and as Jim’s at home – Baker Day – and Rob’s coming round - we will go out for lunch somewhere and then Alex is coming home tomorrow evening. Then Saturday I’m going dancing.
I don’t think I would have done this anyway as nearly as well - if I hadn’t found dancing – even went dancing in Washington last Saturday – how amazing is that! I do love dancing it is just so important to me – difficult to explain why – but I find real release and peace when I dance.
So two years on – I’m me – the widow of Chris Jenkins, the international educator, the mother of three lovely boys, daughter of two elderly parents, sister, aunt and friend and colleague of many – how lucky is she that Tricia – very lucky and she knows it.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Washington DC...
This is my 11th COE Annual Conference and 5th one in Washington. I talked to Mitch last night about the two versions of me - the one of 1998 and the one of 2008. Mitch and I met in Tallin, Estonia - he reminded me of the actual conversation and location. The Tricia that came to Washington that year was 'fully formed' but it was coming here and in particular a lunch with Mitch, where, I began to understand what I knew.
This year has also contained a turning point - and my conversation with Rene last night, clarified it. We went off on our own last night and had an amazing dinner. When I was in Antwerp I got a Fortune Cookie which said 'Keep waiting for the right moment' and it's my mantra at the moment - it's important to wait for the right moment and the knowledge is recognising it.
The conference has a final morning session - big breakfast in the Crystal Ballroom - the Tricia of 1998 was completely over-whelmed by these - 2,000 people events - the Tricia of 2008 is much more blase!
Think about Susan everyday as it would have been wonderful to see this through her eyes - and I send her my love. xxxxxxx
This year has also contained a turning point - and my conversation with Rene last night, clarified it. We went off on our own last night and had an amazing dinner. When I was in Antwerp I got a Fortune Cookie which said 'Keep waiting for the right moment' and it's my mantra at the moment - it's important to wait for the right moment and the knowledge is recognising it.
The conference has a final morning session - big breakfast in the Crystal Ballroom - the Tricia of 1998 was completely over-whelmed by these - 2,000 people events - the Tricia of 2008 is much more blase!
Think about Susan everyday as it would have been wonderful to see this through her eyes - and I send her my love. xxxxxxx
Saturday, September 13, 2008
back home - but not for long.........
Slobbing on the sofa after an early start to leave Antwerp. Then off again on Monday. I think the day I stop enjoying doing all this I will stop - but at the moment feel quite excited about the way things are happening. I'm also increasingly feeling a sense of 'urgency' about my professional life - I will be 56 in January and lots of people retire at 60 - though I don't feel ready yet! Does add to a real feeling of uncertainty about my future.
Funny thing is - as I've lost weight and probably taken more care about the way of look - I think I look younger than I did a few years ago - and feel overall very positive about my life - as well as being very fortunate and lucky!
Jimmy copes well with me being away and he too is getting older - if Chris hadn't died when he did, Jim would have probably been off to University at this time. So I do feel better about leaving him on his own quite a lot - he's also getting quite a confident cook - saying that every time I go away he cooks more ambitiously. I put three pizzas in the freezer a while ago and there's still two left and that wouldn't have happened a few months ago!
But as I am home I shall now go and cook something for our tea.
Funny thing is - as I've lost weight and probably taken more care about the way of look - I think I look younger than I did a few years ago - and feel overall very positive about my life - as well as being very fortunate and lucky!
Jimmy copes well with me being away and he too is getting older - if Chris hadn't died when he did, Jim would have probably been off to University at this time. So I do feel better about leaving him on his own quite a lot - he's also getting quite a confident cook - saying that every time I go away he cooks more ambitiously. I put three pizzas in the freezer a while ago and there's still two left and that wouldn't have happened a few months ago!
But as I am home I shall now go and cook something for our tea.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Home weekend
A weekend at home - a bit rare this summer- but who's complaining! .....and a busy and social weekend - Cuba night last night and Nita today - talking about my summer and catching up with others.
Feeling good at the moment but aware that I'm coming up to the second anniversary of Chris's death. Know the pain is still there - but it's deeper - but am also increasingly aware that all of us live with pain. Funny as I always knew that Chris 'lived with pain' which he did and I always thought of this as the pain associated with his legs. However the magic of Chris was that he 'lived with pain' in a wider sense and I think I'm beginning to understand more what this means. The importance of small things being just one crucial element of this.
But life is good and should be enjoyed and I do appreciate how lucky I am.
Feeling good at the moment but aware that I'm coming up to the second anniversary of Chris's death. Know the pain is still there - but it's deeper - but am also increasingly aware that all of us live with pain. Funny as I always knew that Chris 'lived with pain' which he did and I always thought of this as the pain associated with his legs. However the magic of Chris was that he 'lived with pain' in a wider sense and I think I'm beginning to understand more what this means. The importance of small things being just one crucial element of this.
But life is good and should be enjoyed and I do appreciate how lucky I am.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
back home....
Well Spain was lovely - we got back on Friday - and although it's great to be home - it was something special being in Gijon. It was a bit weird really - just reading my euphoric blogg of last week - it was a very emotional week - I just had a really strong sense of belonging but also a very powerful sense of 'Chris loss'. It was a 'First' that I hadn't expected - well I knew it was going to be a First - but I just hadn't anticipated how much of a 'Chris First'.
So a lovely summer - Croatia and Asturias, family, old friends and new - what a lucky woman I am. Off to my Dad's 91st Birthday lunch today.
So a lovely summer - Croatia and Asturias, family, old friends and new - what a lucky woman I am. Off to my Dad's 91st Birthday lunch today.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Staying in Spain
Along with Aziz and Jamal, I´m staying with Lara´s parents in Gijon, Northern Spain. It is quite amazing - we have been made so welcomed by all of Lara´s family but particularly her Mum and Dad - and Lara´s never actually met Aziz and Jamal herself yet!
I have found being here very powerful in terms of ´missing Chris´. I can´t think of a time since he died when I really thought - Chris would have loved this so much´ - I felt it a bit of it in Croatia but I suppose I have been concentrating on things that I wanted to do and avoided things that I knew Chris would have loved. So it came a bit out the blue when I got here - more worried about speaking Spanish and being guest of people that I don´t really know - I was never worried about the boys - though I understand my hosts were - in case they got bored but no chance of that!!!
Anyway the Chris thing - I hadn´t thought about - but from the moment I arrived in Galicia - I have just thought time and time again - Chris would have loved this so much. He loved Galicia and Asturias - the one regret he died with was that he never got back to Galicia. We had been planning that trip the day before he died and it wasn't going to work out that year - and he saíd I would really have loved to go back to Galicia again - and I said of course you will but just not this year - and as it turned out - never.
Anyway that feeling was strong and then everything about Gijon and Lara´s parents has been so evocative of Chris. Tano loves his shopping lists, they drink cider, the view is of small boats and proper boats - non of your fancy millionaires boats. The food, the mountains, the campo, even the mutt of a dog - just everything about this place was just Chris´s cup of tea - and even that´s PG tips!
Anyway I have talked a bit to Alex who understood because he had felt it when he visited at Christmas and I have just talked a little bit to Aziz and Jamal, who came round and gave me a cuddle and said everyone has to feel it sometime!! We then talked about Heff and Jeanette but are now going for a swim. Happy happy place too!
My lovely son Alex certainly knows how to pick a wonderful girlfriend, with a gorgeous family. Alex described Lara to her Mum as ´Gorgeous´ and she thought it was something to do with Gorgons! But this family is gorgeous!!!
I have found being here very powerful in terms of ´missing Chris´. I can´t think of a time since he died when I really thought - Chris would have loved this so much´ - I felt it a bit of it in Croatia but I suppose I have been concentrating on things that I wanted to do and avoided things that I knew Chris would have loved. So it came a bit out the blue when I got here - more worried about speaking Spanish and being guest of people that I don´t really know - I was never worried about the boys - though I understand my hosts were - in case they got bored but no chance of that!!!
Anyway the Chris thing - I hadn´t thought about - but from the moment I arrived in Galicia - I have just thought time and time again - Chris would have loved this so much. He loved Galicia and Asturias - the one regret he died with was that he never got back to Galicia. We had been planning that trip the day before he died and it wasn't going to work out that year - and he saíd I would really have loved to go back to Galicia again - and I said of course you will but just not this year - and as it turned out - never.
Anyway that feeling was strong and then everything about Gijon and Lara´s parents has been so evocative of Chris. Tano loves his shopping lists, they drink cider, the view is of small boats and proper boats - non of your fancy millionaires boats. The food, the mountains, the campo, even the mutt of a dog - just everything about this place was just Chris´s cup of tea - and even that´s PG tips!
Anyway I have talked a bit to Alex who understood because he had felt it when he visited at Christmas and I have just talked a little bit to Aziz and Jamal, who came round and gave me a cuddle and said everyone has to feel it sometime!! We then talked about Heff and Jeanette but are now going for a swim. Happy happy place too!
My lovely son Alex certainly knows how to pick a wonderful girlfriend, with a gorgeous family. Alex described Lara to her Mum as ´Gorgeous´ and she thought it was something to do with Gorgons! But this family is gorgeous!!!
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