Today was a hard day - like many - the expression two steps forward and one step back was my motto today – I have spent the day trying to focus on the point that the net result is one step forward!
Today I also told my boss Anne that I am struggling - I think I am increasingly hiding it well - but at the moment I find everything so hard - she was great and after that conversation and a later one with a colleague Sue – I think I need to take care - people see me on the surface doing really well – and they don't know/understand that I am actually struggling so much underneath - and I veer between wanting them to know and wanting them not too!
I talked to Anne about how at the moment I have to question my judgement and decisions – I feel I have lost confidence in my ability to make decisions – and I think the new (as yet incomplete) bathroom may be a point in case!
I feel quite lost at the moment – on one level swan like – doing myself - seeming in total control – whilst underneath paddling frantically away.
I am also having a problem focusing – and following through things – I sit at work with the constant flow of emails and decisions etc etc and make some but because of indecision end up losing some.
That all looks muddled – and that’s probably because that’s how I feel.
Anyway – today was a Weepy Day – a step back rather than two forward.
Good things – I talked about this at work – I felt a lot of relief with actually telling people - and I also talked to all three of my sons – told them that I’m struggling - and that’s also probably not a bad thing – they maybe think I’m doing this bereavement stuff really well – which I am – but it is probably good for them to know- that I can so easily be blown off course.
Bottom line is their Dad, Chris would have wanted us to get on with it – and I am proud to say - we are.
