Last Saturday night I was in the Black Bull Wolsingham, County Durham and the Saturday before in Peter Cats Restaurant, Kolkata.
Feeling very low tonight – I think the last two weeks have been a bit over-whelming – and it’s time to come down.
When I booked a cottage for Easter – Aziz and I chose it – sometime over the New Year – I had thought of the boys and visiting Heff places – but I hadn’t really thought through the fact of how strong my memories of Chris would be there - in the North East - mind – as Alex pointed out – what did I expect!
I just hadn’t thought it through- and I did seek it out – visiting places where Chris and his parents lived and where thirty five years ago I went up to meet Chris’s Mum - and thirty years - Strad and Jeanette etc - my whole adult life in many ways.
Being there with all five boys was lovely – we did several good long walks and visited special places and also a couple of special people – Alan and Moria. But the last few days I have been very sad and a bit weepy - I suppose it is very natural and normal – I am a widow of just six months – and that’s not a long time.
The thing I miss most is talking to Chris – I really wanted to tell him about India – and about my concerns about the boys, the world, my job and everything else. I have lots of people I can talk to – good friends, family, boys but the bottom line is I just miss Chris.
Strangely - I also missed my blogg last week – I had lots of thoughts going round my head and the blogg is my way of getting a focus.
So – here I am six months on – much better than the early days – functioning – all of us – not just me – I can see the boys moving on – the house changing – I think Jim is struggling with this – he has been amazing about being left in charge with Bernard the builder – but I have now proposed that he moves bedrooms and more changes – and he doesn’t want change – and I cry as I write this – as we have had too many changes over the last six months.
I just want the best for my boys – as every parent does – and it’s so hard to know what the best thing to do is – and in someways should I be doing anything – it’s tempting not too - I do feel incredibly close to my boys – they are just so lovely – and it was special to be away with them this week. Though I feel we are in a strange place – a place we would not have been in – for good or bad – who knows!
The boys are very sensitive to my feelings– although their reaction may well be diversionary and lead quickly to fart jokes –I do show them my feelings at the moment – whether I want too or not – it’s not like I’m weeping all over the place but firsts are firsts and I have had a lot of them in the last two weeks – six months – and my boys are sensitive and me being both weepy and trying my best not to be – probably fart jokes are the best thing!
Well – I have enjoyed writing my blogg tonight and I will now find a couple of photos – Northumberland and County Durham was also so beautiful…….
