Feeling good................

It's Saturday morning and feeling good - despite too much wine in Estabans last night with Gilly - where we met Jim and Les, and Les's parents and had a lovely time. Last weekend was also lovely in Blanes with Fernando - now that was a first! BMW convertibles are definitely my favourite cars!! It was easy, fun and lovely - lovely is obviously my word of the moment - I spoke a lot of Spanish, swam in the warm sea, ate prawns and felt special - and it was lovely!

Jim got home from Benicassim - really happy and relaxed - and has slept most of the week. We're going to my Mum and Dad's today for lunch and I'm invited out to lunch tomorrow - another week at work - then off to Croatia with boys and friends!

So I'm feeling good and very grateful for my lovely life - relishing being an independent woman!

Lara's graduation...........

...was lovely - I felt very honoured to be there and the pride of Tano y Juaquina was so wonderful and richly deserved. This is my favourite photo of my lucky son with his wonderful novia - and his mug!



Feel very excited as am off to Girona for the weekend!

IPWD y la cena española

Yesterday was special - Rob came round early and we had fun shopping for the Spanish dinner party, Alex had arrived Friday evening, so all my boys were here, which is always lovely.

Together we walked to The Beech tree in Sefton Park and I scattered the ashes of my lovely old dog around it's base. Uniting forever Chris and Kip.

IPWD - In Park With Dog was the message that Chris would text me when I was away and he was sitting on the bench in front of the Beech tree - and I would be in a hotel or somewhere - and I would know my Chris was sending me a virtual kiss. So now Chris and Kip will be for eternity IPWD - which feels right and good but also more than a bit final - a big step taken in my life without him. I was so pleased I put the big photo of Chris in the kitchen as it has felt so right to have him there visually at a time that I have said a deeper farewell to him.

We returned to the house for breakfast, Kippers for me and Rob! and did the quiz together - laughing and full of life - my beautiful three sons and me. Later Rob and I prepared for the Spanish dinner party - which was a great success. Lara and her parents arrived early evening and I had invited Hector and a friend, Lady one of our Interns and Vanessa a beautiful dancer. It was a wonderful dinner - I ploughed on in Spanish most of the evening and the food went down very well.

So it's Sunday morning, Jimmy's gone to Spain for the Benicassim music festival, we're off to see the baby this morning, then lunch with Perri, Gilly and the boys, then off to Leeds tomorrow for Lara's graduation, hoping to get back in time to dance. With so much going on in my life, I really need the dancing oasis's - to catch my breath.

So Chris and Kip are in the park together forever and I am so aware and thankful for my wonderful life.

Weekend away...

It's Tuesday morning and I came back late last night from Antwerp and Amsterdam with the TRiO students. Their summer school contains a travel element, as by selection, they have not travelled before. I haven't been involved with a trip for several years and it was good to remind myself of the reality.

They all got such a huge amount from travelling around Europe for the first time and it was just wonderful to witness the group seeing the bigger world and embracing it - I also just had so much fun! Gravitated towards the dancers in the group - and danced both nights in Antwerp but really danced amazingly in Amsterdam with three others who shared my passion.

Came back to a beautifully clean, empty, carpeted house - which was a joy - Jim's off in a barn somewhere - spoke lots of Spanish with Mexicanos and strangely met Hector in the airport waiting for his parents - where Lupe, Mario and Hector discussed my accent - which was really nice - to think that I have an accent in Spanish is a bit of a mental leap!

Came home and was too buzzy to sleep so looked at my emails and found love from Stacksteads - as always special and comforting - and also lots more photos of the Beach Party - a couple of which I think I'll put on my blogg - cos although they are a few weeks ago - it's how I look at the moment. Though I am expecting to see lots of photos from this weekend - as very very many were taken!!

It's such a joy to be happy - how lucky am I.......

Wonderful new baby...

Tonight I went to see Becki's beautiful new baby - and he really is a very beautiful baby - only been breathing a few hours but already so loved. My little sister is now a Nanny - and the epicentre and heart of an amazing family!

Amazing week...............

Started with Rene arriving from Montana and ended up with Brenda's amazing nomination by Obama and the bits in between were a very fast moving mixture of York and Liverpool, dear friends from Croatia and Finland - with lots of late nights, early mornings and a surprising amount of work done.

Highlights included sharing a crazy Bed and Breakfast attic room with Rene in York, Rob's curry and the invitation to Montana, tapas with Jimmy and Harri followed by too much dark rum and reassurances - so it's Friday evening and I'm genuinely exhausted but also as high as a kite!!

So a bit of a Wow week - understatement! - and I came home to a house with carpets - which still takes a bit of getting used too - but is also wonderful - no dog to greet me - but strangely I'm getting used to that. Know I will take a bit of time to absorb all this - though a week like this can only reinforce my 'how lucky am I' mantra.

So I don't have to get up ridiculously early tomorrow which is definitely different but I am also on my own which is a first in well over a week but wow what an amazing week!!!

Saturday night...

.. and for a change I'm not at a dancing party! But I am just enjoying being at home - as the house moves on!

I made the decision a few days ago that I will put nothing back into these newly decorated (and carpeted) rooms that I don't want. This is actually very hard as I'm either re-cycling or throwing away very deeply personal things that can easily have 30 years or more's worth of connections. But I'm doing it ruthlessly - watching - and physically - taking these things either to the tip - or getting Rob to take to a charity shop.

This morning I also went through all my photographs since Chris died and took a selected CD to Asda to print - I also bought a large frame - and am doing a montage of 2 years plus post Chris. I haven't made it yet but have got all the photos I want together - and have just laid them out approximately on a large frame. It doesn't have much from the first year but from year 2 - it's got lots of family, old and new friends in different continents - lots of photos of me - which is very different from the other montages around this house - and lots of happiness - which is really good to see and to recognise.

I also got a large photo of Chris printed at Asda this morning - and bought a frame. After quite a bit of thinking I have put it up in the kitchen - in the corner where Chris used to sit. It's actually quite in your face - when you turn round and see him there - and I have been thinking all night is this the right time to bring a big photo of Chris into this newly transformed and different house!

But what I have decided is that this is exactly the right time to have an overt picture of Chris more visible in my house. At the moment I'm making so many changes in my life - but that lovely man was the making of me - he has gone - but I don't want to forget him - what ever else happens in my life.

The house wave gently finishes with carpets...

.. and with flowers courtesy of Sefton Borough Council!

My house - the shell that I have lived in for over 30 years - has had a face lift - been a bit of a trauma but needed to happen - today the final carpets were fitted - though like all these things - Ed will have to come round next week - to plane two doors so that they will close! - but apart from that - and the horrible mess that's in the other rooms and needs sorting out prior to going back in - it's practically finished!!!!!!!! I am just so happy about this - and it's lovely and green and pink - and different from how it was - a bit like me!

waves of turmoil..............

Not certain why but feeling quite anxious at the moment – not really worried anxious more like an excited anxiousness! Blogging quite a lot – I suppose because I need to think it through and although I’m talking to lots of people I’ve not really got one person to talk to – so thank you blogg – you are my person to talk to!

I suppose it’s this overwhelming feeling of change going on my life. Although on the surface very little has changed – still doing my old job, though that’s changing, still living in my old house, though that is definitely changing and still have my old friends though I now have quite a lot of new ones as well, which is lovely, don’t have a dog any more and that is a change.

I suppose the real change is me. Looking inside of me - I think I have changed or am in the process of changing. I suppose the anxiety is linked to what’s going to come out of all this change! Though writing this is good because as I write I realise that I want this change and am happy and excited about the changes going on.

Not certain why I wrote waves of turmoil as my heading for this entry – but I think in some ways it does sum up quite well what I’m feeling at the moment - which being part of a big wave, strong feeling of being swept along, not feeling in control of where I’m going, enjoying the ride but also feeling a bit anxious about the whole wave crashing and being swept into the maelstrom. But I suppose all waves crash, some more spectacularly than others, but all finally end up at their farthest gentle point before being drawn back into the whole again.

So it’s Saturday morning and the decorating of the house has finally finished, the carpets arrive on Wednesday and a wonderful Limpiadora has come into my life and is cleaning up the debris left behind. The houses’s wave of change has crashed and I can see the beauty of the wave gently hitting the shore before being pulled back into the ocean!

Estoy disfrutando la ola de mi vida como un flujo de cambio, caos y belleza!

All change............

Have been thinking of changing my blog photograph for a little while - and when I was sent this one today I knew that this was the photo I wanted to show the new me. the email referred to Trish's renaissance which I also really liked as well - as I do feel like a new woman - Renaissance Tricia - aka Dancing Tricia.


I danced for the best part of 10 hours on Saturday night and into Sunday morning at an amazing beach party and was wild and happy. Danced with lovely memories of my beautiful old dog - who had run on that beach many times. Didn't feel guilty about being happy - watched the night turn into day, danced with the stars and the sea and anyone else who was dancing and felt wonderful - even managed after an hours sleep to have a Spanish lesson with Hector!


Work today was very good - know I'm a bit over the top at the moment - but am surrounded by wonderful people - who seem to be coping with me - as it's Monday - I also went dancing - my feet just can't stop at the moment!!!!


Haven't lost sight of Chris and part of my joy is the certainty that he would be happy that I am happy again - he will never know Renaissance Tricia - and he could never know her as she's his legacy. But my joy also recognises that he always had a wicked sense of humour!!

Well Kipper's gone

The Vet came round this afternoon and Jimmy, Rob and I sat with Kip whilst he was gently put to sleep. It all seems to have happened very quickly.

I remember thinking not long after Chris died that I just couldn't face Kipper going and although I am very upset at the moment I am also OK about it. It is strange how it has happened just when I am very clearly moving into the next stage of my life - me moving on and Jimmy leaving home - and it just seems right that Kipper should go at this time and join Chris.

We will get the ashes in a couple of weeks and then scatter them around the beech tree - then Chris will be for ever IPWD - In Park With Dog.

He was a good dog - and as Alex commented at the time of Chris's death - we had been a three dog family - Stan, Beryl and then Kip. I loved them all but Kipper was really a very special dog - my lovely Kipper and he loved me too - devotedly - and I will miss that - his lovely presence - comforting and also such a strong reminder of Chris and our life together.

So no more walks in the park every morning - I'll miss them - did all my best thinking in the park - enjoying the beauty, the trees, the sky and the birds. Very important to me - those mornings - my time - my peace.

However the strong feeling of change in my life, touched with chaos but also beauty gives me a clear and definite knowledge that this was Kip's time to go.

So I shall grieve tonight and then tomorrow go dancing at an all night party on the beach at Thurstaton - which will be a really good place to dance farewell to Kipper, remembering him running along that beach, his long legs and elegant silhouette enjoying every second of his life.

So good bye my lovely Kipper - it's right for you to go now as I unfurl my new wings and dance my way through my lucky life - thank you for sharing your life so willingly with us. xxx

Lovely old dog's last days...............

Took Kip to the Vets tonight and am now coming to terms with the fact that we are on Kipper's last days. The Vet was a lovely young woman and over the next week or so - I will arrange for her to come round to the house one afternoon and to put our lovely old Kipper to sleep.

Have talked to all my wonderful sons tonight and am moving towards a date - probably next week.

Lots of emotion involved with this - know we can't keep him - and am very unwilling to let him keep going beyond the point he lives in pain or as the vet described it - he collapses somewhere like the park and it all gets horrible and traumatic. So the best thing is - we get the Vet around one afternoon, probably next week, and she enables him to die in the safety and security of his home. Know it's the right thing to do but still feel very emotional about it.

Kipper has been a lovely dog and the fact that he was there with Chris in his last conscious minutes adds a depth of emotion to this. But I want him to go with dignity and without fear.

But I will miss my lovely old Kipper................................

There and back again............

How lovely it is to have been away and amazing..............

It was absolutely amazing...............

Not being very coherent here .....but it was just an amazing week!

It's Sunday morning and I'm home in my house - which is now nearly finished and green! Jimmy's birthday sounds a triumph orchestrated by Rob - and the dog is still his lovely old self - and I am me - different - and I suppose the same - but I do feel very different.

Last year I danced through the loss of Chris - and this year I danced in the new Tricia. I danced deeply and profoundly, made choices and accepted the chaos that I'm living through and also spoke quite a lot of Spanish!

I was also taken out for lunch twice by a very cute young man in style and felt fluttery and girly - and enjoyed the feeling!

So I'm back home - as it's Monday I will go dancing tonight - there were several of us from Liverpool dancing this year and their presence added to the richness of the week. It was just a lovely group of dancers, doing what we do - which is dance!!!!!

Going dancing for a week....

My heart is singing in expectation as tomorrow I am going to Spain to dance for a week.....

Feel a bit bad about leaving Jimmy with the decorators - both of them! - with his revision - and it is his birthday on Thursday - but Alex is home tonight for the weekend and Rob is going to cook him flaming steaks on his birthday - and he is 19 - and I really want to go dancing for a week.

Also work is very busy - for a change! - and it seems strange to be going on leave as I have been away so much - but most of that was work or a day linked to a weekend.

Anyway justifications and excuses over - I am just so happy to be going dancing for a week!!! Suitcase packed and heart singing!!

Catching my breath...

Finally feel able to catch my breath after the roller coaster of the last few weeks. Last weekend helped and I was only away one night last week in Belfast - but I do feel so much calmer this weekend. Might also be because I went dancing yesterday - a Saturday dancing - it felt like it was my birthday - a special treat - 6 hours of dancing with a an excellent teacher in the company of many of the Liverpool group plus others...... feel very good this morning - even if my feet are a bit tender - but they did have such a good dance!

Still quite early Sunday morning - I wake up so early these beautiful mornings - Alex is home - so I will take the incontinent dog for a walk in the park then make two of my wonderful sons breakfast before they grapple with Jimmy's Maths and Physics revision. Then I will go and buy Jimmy's birthday presents - he's moving out in September and wants cooking things - so I shall enjoy that. Then Rob is coming round for tea - a lovely day to look forward to. Big breath and my mantra - how lucky am I.....................

Lovely weekend

Been away with the walking sisters and it was wonderful. Stayed in a beautiful place and we just walked, ate, talked and laughed ..... how fabulous is that!

This was our picnic...


.. and this was the view whilst we ate!



... and this is how I felt yesterday at the top of the hill - with the whole of the lakes and Lancashire in front of us - afer a great walk!


I was so mad busy last week - coming home to a house in total disarray - rushing around like a mad thing clearing up before I left early Saturday - but it was so good.

House whirl continues as the second decorator is now working on the hall stairs and landing - Jimmy and I have just been to choose carpets and paint. I can see the end in sight!!!!!!!!

Dancing tonight - missed it last week as I was in Strasbourg - my life is so full - and I'm finding everyday and everything a joy - bluebells and trees with fresh leaves - beauty, chaos and change.......

My house is a mess........

.........of unbelievable proportions. Mind I haven't been here much - which is just as well as it's doing my head in now I am! The back room is now nearly finished - the 'nearly' bit seems to be a common occurrence in this process!

We have not had the computer at home until tonight (and it's still not working properly) - hence no blogg - however the back door is now fitted - eventually - but not quite finished of course - just surrounded by mess!

I was away in Wales last weekend - which was wonderful - discovering on my return - for four hours on Sunday afternoon - before going to Strasbourg - that there had been no back door for two days - just a space! Jimmy copes remarkably well with all this and because he felt he couldn't go out - he just invited all his friends around - so they had a good weekend! I just can't wait for it all to be finished - the mess is just so horrible.

Today has been full of news of death and illness and tomorrow is our big day in London - so feeling very wobbly at the moment.

All of these things are the chaos and change of life - I know I must enjoy them with beauty - that's made me smile and I feel better for writing my blogg!

Baby Showers and being home

Arrived home on Wednesday evening, back to work on Thursday and Friday, which I found quite hard to engage with - still lots going on - with a strong element of change and a personal under-current of chaos!

Yesterday Jimmy and I got up early and blitzed the house for Becki's Baby Shower - which given decorators and me being away - needed it! The party was absolutely lovely - it was Gilly's idea and I don't think any of us knew quite what to expect - but I made an afternoon tea and Gilly found banners, balloons and a couple of games off the internet and everyone brought a present for the baby - and the soon to be Mum and the two great Grand-mothers, the shortly to become Nana and Aunty plus the Great Aunties and friends had a wonderful afternoon! Jimmy stayed in to say hello to his Nan - which he did - but then hid upstairs - not a party for an 18 year old boy!

Busy again at work this week, Jimmy has his mock A levels and the decorator starts on the downstairs and a new back door should be fitted. Not going to do too much today though - apart from sort out the back room ready for the decorator! Life's good.

Being in Gigon....

...........is so extraordinarily special. I asked Hector if I could practice talking about Chris in the past tense and complicated things like "he would have liked" and it was a really good thing to do. As I knew I would want to talk about Chris to Juaquina and Tano and I have been able to do so which is great.

I felt the Chris wave really strongly when I was here last year and have discussed it since with Alex, and even though I expected it this time, it has still hit me very powerfully. Chris would have just loved Gigon, Tano, Juaquina and Lara. Over breakfast I have just had a discussion with Tano about the need for shopping lists, just one tiny example of how Chris and Tano would have agreed. I have also talked at length, and in Spanish, to Juaqui about family values and the importance of little things. I even quoted, over dinner last night, my current favourite saying: " Disfruta la vida como un flujo de cambio, caos y belleza." "Enjoy life as a flow of change, chaos and beauty." Which I think shows how far my Spanish has come and just how lovely these two are to let me talk so freely.

I was very tired when I arrived but the joy of being so well looked after, fed wonderful food a minimum of four times a day and a siesta is really working and I already feel that I have more energy to take home with me.

The boys have gone camping with Greg and his daughter and the incontinent dog, Rob accidentaly phoned me last night and I had a lengthy voice message which was them trying to put the tent up, with the banter between them, it was very funny.

So how lucky am I to have found new friends in Spain and how lucky is my middle son to have found someone as gorgeous as Lara. I am enjoying my life as a flow of change chaos and beauty.

Things going on in my head!

And there are lots of them! Feeling quite confident but also quite worried at all the uncertainty and change going on. House progressing slowly - stopped last week but hopefully to continue next week. Lots and lots of changes at work - well more uncertainties than actual changes.

Am going to Lara's parents next week for a few days and I'm so looking forward to it - I will have to focus so hard on speaking Spanish that I just wont have time think about work or the house - so that's good.

Boys taking incontinent dog camping - not certain if they realise how slowly he walks these days - went over to the sorting office to pick up a parcel yesterday and he really struggled walking back - made me realise that I will never go running with him again. Lovely old Kipper, he is special.

My parents are due back today after nearly three weeks on a cruise in the Artic Circle - Mum will be 89 the following weekend - I have been thinking about them a lot - I do hope they both had a wonderful time _ I know my Dad was very anxious about it - but holidays at 91 are a rare treat! Back to my mantra how lucky am I to still have them in my life.