Letter to my Mum from the 6 June - 28 October 2015

Letters to my Mum from the 21st of March to the 26 May 2015

Whirlwind few days....

I have been travelling and after less than 48 hours in Croatia I am now in Italy.... but the good news is that my Mum has decided that she wants to live. She has now settled into a residential home where she is getting 24 hour care and attention. When she first went in she was very confused and unhappy. Her memory is such that she could not remember how difficult the last few months have been - not just for her but also for my sisters who have been on 24 alert - as things had got more and more tough for her to cope on her own.

When I first saw her she was very upset and talked about not having any purpose for living and was completely confused as to where she was and how she had got there. However over the three days I was there she got more and more energised and when I asked her directly if she wanted to die - she replied that she probably didn't and that she was wanted to live to be 100 - which was a fantastic turn around!

The home is now delivering my letters and it occurred to me that I would put all of my letters on my blogg as they chart the last few months of our lives. 

So now I am in Italy for a few days and continuing to take my time to work out what I'm going to do with rest of my life!

My Mum.......

....... is getting very frail and last Saturday she went into a nursing home in order to have 24 hour care as she is no longer able to look after herself.

I am travelling to the UK tomorrow.  I don't think she is in immediate danger and I had already planned to see her in a couple of weeks time. But when I heard that she had got so frail that she was leaving Abbeyfield, I just felt I had to go and see her. I suppose I don't want to have not gone and then to feel regret that I hadn't visited her, maybe for the last time.

I do feel sad, but I also recognise that this was an inevitability that had been fast approaching for a while now. She had her last holiday with us over Christmas and she had such a happy time. I am so glad and grateful that I made that happen. I don't think she ever recovered from the flu that she had shortly after her return from that week. And I haven't seen her since then.......... so I know I will see such a big difference and that I must prepare myself for that. Tears are in my eyes as I write this and that's OK, I knew when I left the UK that she would get to the very last time of her life without me being there.

I have been writing regularly and though she didn't have a way of replying I knew she loved the letters and read and re-read them - I am hoping that I will be able to find a way to write to her at the nursing home but I'm not sure if she is capable of reading them now. But that's why I am going - so I can see exactly how she is.

She might get 'better' with 24 hour care and more company and be able to continue for a while. I think it will depend on her state of mind. My Dad ran out of energy at the end and he just couldn't stay any longer.

So feeling sad but recognising that when it's her time to go, she will go............

Feeling at home in Croatia

Funny how my life has changed so much in the last year.

I am living quite a different life - now based in Croatia - still travelling but independently and no longer as part of my employment. Last year was a bit half an half re this - I suppose because I was working part-time and had some trips funded and others I paid for myself.

Have still not decided or been guided to know where my life is leading - and feel like I am living very much in the flow. I think the big thing for me has been to surrender - to genuinely go with the flow - without expectation or consciously steering what happens next.

It is a balancing act between deciding what to do on a day to day basis and letting things unravel on a weekly/monthly basis - whilst going through a open door if one presents itself to me. I feel I did that very much in South/Central America - and my last trip just unfolded in stages in a truly beautiful manner.

I do sometimes feel a bit impatient and would love to have a really big clear sign which says to me - this is what you are meant to be doing with your life - with a great big arrow pointing in a very specific direction! But this is the journey,  and the not knowing is just as important as the knowing!

So I am happy - I can feel the happiness inside of me and that's good. I am uncertain of where my life is going - and I'm learning to be in that place and working on truly accepting the unknown - it's still work in progress but I'm getting there! ...... and I AM! How cool is that!

Feeling momentous!!!!!!

Still in Costa Rica - now at airport leaving for Madrid later this afternoon - and I am feeling - at this point I have just written/re-written lots of different words trying to describe where I am......

...... and I have decided that I am just soooooooooooo happy!!!!!

I have been travelling for the last few weeks and only using the name Alegra - which in Spanish means happiness and it has just felt so right to be Alegra and to be so happy!

I love this photo of me with the 'shades of green' of the cloud forest behind me and the wind blowing around me - and this was such a special and important day in my life.

How blessed am I?

Where in the world am I?

My life is truly amazing and  I feel so grateful and just so amazingly blessed - here am I in the wonderful Galapagos islands - how did that happen? I have just spent a week cruising around some of the 19 islands, snorkelling and walking - looking at wildlife and the beautiful geological structures. It was a very good group of 16 people from around the world and our guide was excellent, informative, funny and very professional, and the crew were just lovely, so patient and gracious - it was just a joy to be part of such a group. I wonder if I always attract lovely people into my life as the make up of the group was quite important to the overall experience - and we were all different yet together we were special - all of us gaining a huge amount from the experience together.

So my blessed life continues, I leave for mainland Ecuador today and tomorrow to Costa Rica. I will have been in South America for quite a while as I never went back to Croatia after I helped Alex, Lara and the wonderful Alba move from Paris to Portugal. I joined a friend and a group of students in Cuenca and I marvel at the way doors just open for me - I am really living in a kind of flow.

I miss my Mum and she is gradually getting more frail. I write to her very regularly and know she loves my letters, and I hear about her from various family members. She has not been well since Christmas, when she was away with us. She was so good then, walking a lot and joining in the conversation even playing cards, but she has got much more dependent since then and I gather rarely gets out of the house.

I have had a lot of time to think and reflect in my travels and it has been good. I still do not know the purpose of my life beyond being happy, but maybe there is no purpose behind that? Who knows!

Time to leave the Galapagos islands - what a truly amazing place..................

Still in transition.......

I have now been here in  Croatia for over a month and it  has been a rather strange time for me. I  have actually not  done very much, or seen many people but this has also felt very right.  I have kept myself busy  by doing very little and I have spent quite a bit of time in reflection.  On New Year's Eve I set the intention to take my time but I don't think I had really thought through what that would feel like - because  in the past, I have not had the inclination, or oftentimes the possibility,  of being able to take my time.

 So that is what I have done, taken my time. I am laughing at myself as I write this because  I am still uncertain what taking my time means!! I have been writing - which I have found quite difficult but also sometimes rather beautiful. It is my autobiography, my learning up-to-date and it has felt good to spend time thinking about my life, as a child and as a young woman - sometimes looking at  her from the perspective of others, but mainly thinking about her from this distance. I don't know if anyone will ever read it but it has felt important for me to do, I'm nowhere near finished  but today  I completed 60 pages and that felt good.

It takes longer and it is really quite complicated to do basic things in a foreign country, for example finding a parking space when you cannot read any of the road signs, or  buying bread flour instead of self raising and I have enjoyed those aspects of learning. I have also been dancing twice now and that has been important. The first time I went, I couldn't find the venue but the next time I gave myself loads of time and got there eventually! I have enjoyed my dances and the group dance deep which is nice.

My mother has been unwell which I have found  quite painful.  I knew when I chose to leave England that the hardest part would be leaving my mother. I write to her every  couple of days and phone occasionally and I know she really appreciates my letters which is a comfort. Her memory has got worse and she cannot remember things which happened moments ago, so the letters are good as I know she re-reads them. When she was poorly my older sisters were going every other day to visit her and I struggled with feelings of guilt. She is really very forgetful and it is uncertain how long she can stay living semi-independently and I  have to come to terms with that.

So I am still in transition,  still uncertain what I will be doing in the future, taking my time and adjusting to living in a new country, not living in my own house, not working at the University but happy!!

The other side of leaving...............

 I was reminded yesterday that I haven't blogged for a very long time and I have been reflecting on why that is. I have just looked at the dates and it has been four months since I've blogged. During this time huge events have happened in my life.  I have now left Liverpool, after over 40 years of living there.  I have left the University of Liverpool after over 30 years of working there.  I have left the country where my mother lives and where I have lived all my life.

 So big changes!!!!!

 During these four months I have also been travelling:  a week in Barcelona studying Spanish with my friend Maggie,  that was good fun; a week in Arlequi with Jenny, Shobs and Vanessa dancing, that was beautiful, I danced " Caring from a distance"  as something that I have to learn;  a brief time in Liverpool witnessing grief;  travelling with Vaughn and Sarah, to Singapore, Malaysia and Vietnam, a great conference and a special time with these two wonderful young people;  back home to move;  saying farewells,  unexpectedly supported by my three beautiful sons and Rachel; the move, my belongings in the back of a huge articulated lorry; arriving at Rob's house and making this little bedroom my base; a conference in Seville and visits to Paris, Prague, Vienna and a week working in Brussels;  being in Paris at the time when it was the focus of the world's attention,  recognising the enemy, fear;  briefly back in Croatia and then India for a fortnight,  feeling connected there;  briefly again in Croatia than back in the UK with family and friends; Christmas in Liverpool with my mother, poignant and good; New Year in Asturias, appreciating the Spanish family; then back to Croatia and snow!!!!

 So I haven't been blogging but I have been writing to my mother every couple of days.  Her memory is now so poor that she doesn't remember phone calls shortly after she puts the phone down, but she can and does re-read the letters. So without being there physically - letters are the next best thing.  She can  sometimes be quite sad now and she is frustrated by her lack of memory, physically she is doing very well for 95. She knows I am not in the UK any more and has told me more than once that I have done the right thing, which is a comfort to me.

 So that has been my last four months.......

 Looking back I can see that during this time I have been focusing on the process, the day-to-day. This was a deliberate and conscious choice and maybe that's why I haven't been blogging  because I wasn't reflecting on what I was doing, I was just concentrating really hard on doing it!

It has come as a big surprise to me to be now living in Croatia!  That sounds stupid but is strangely where I am. When Rob offered to provide a home for my furniture and things, I had thought of it as that,  a place for me to leave my own things, and things that belong to the family, for example all the childhood photographs. But I had genuinely not thought about what it would mean living here. The  original plan was to go to Colombia in January but that has now changed.  Alex and family are moving to Portugal in February, as he has got a new job there. So unexpectedly I have a job to do, which is to assist them in moving.  When I was planning my future, I had decided  to wait and see what  doors opened for me and to go with that.  I had  thought in terms of work but being a useful grandmother is also a very important job! I am also very happy living at Rob's and we are planning changes to the house, new kitchen etc. It has also been lovely to recognise that he is also very happy with me living here - we have talked a lot about this and it has surprised us both!!

 On New Year's Eve I thought about the year to come and I only made one intention which is to continue to take my time, (last year's resolution)  and this I plan to do.  But I think I will also intend to write my blogg more regularly  because I had forgotten how helpful it is!

Transition.....

Blogging two days running, there is obviously a lot going on!   Although I have actually done very little today I have nearly finished sorting out my apartment......  the rest of the time I have been knitting and thinking!

I think the 'lot going on' is actually in my mind rather than busyness or doing stuff -  sitting and knitting and thinking has taken me to a very still place of reflection, which I will now try and put into words in my blogg.

When I meditate I can go to an extraordinary place, somewhere that doesn't feel here/this world. Recently this place has been full of colours -  deep, swirling lights that I am in the centre of. I can also get this feeling at other times when I'm not meditating, it's a feeling of detachment, of being here and also not being here.

There is also the growing recognition that I feel time is accelerating, I was listening to something on YouTube earlier on talking about beginnings of the Internet in 1994.  Just over 20 years ago and there has been a complete transformation in global communications. I talked about it to my Mum on the phone and she said she recognised it had happened, and also that she was not part of it, she was very right and  I felt her understanding was insightful.  I then thought back over the last 20 years of my life, so much has happened, too much for me to remember, yet here I am today present at this time. Not certain where this blogg is going -  sometimes when I write a blogg I get an insight to what I'm thinking..... but it's not coming tonight!

 So obviously - it is still work/reflections in progress......  and it's okay not to know! I love that -  it is okay to say " I do not know why."  And to just accept that!

So I do not know why - anything happens/why I am here/the meaning of life......  and it's okay not to know.......  got there in the end -  thank you blogg -  that's what today has all been about -  it's okay not to know!

Lucky to be alive -  especially at this time -  of accelerated change, chaos, the unknown getting closer, wow, wow ,wow....... AND it's OK not to know......... IN FACT IT'S PERFECT NOT TO KNOW!!!!!!

My heart is so full........

It is late on Friday night....... I came back from the Spirithorse valley on Monday night after five days with Aidan my little great nephew, age 6 years......  another and very special story......  so back home to the 'real' world and packing -  boxing up all my possessions  - as I will only be in Liverpool for a few days before  I leave for ever at the end of October......  after 40 years in this city I am leaving - happy to leave, timing right to leave, but.......   but knowing that as I'm doing this that I will actually find it very hard to leave............  and tonight my heart is full...

Conscious of my family, especially my Mum.......  but also my sisters and their families.....  but knowing....  and increasingly knowing....  that distance is not a physical measurement...  you can be close to someone the other side of the world,  and very distant from somebody who lives close to you...

Happy to be leaving, with the knowledge that the timing is right, sadness and grief because of distance which is not physical - knowing  that I have responsibility only for living my own life.....  and bottom-line just getting on with it!!

Wow -  it isn't life just absolutely amazing!!!!!!!!

Manifesting in Detroit............

I really do live a magical life, this morning I woke up in Vaughn's house in Detroit after the most amazing evening last night. There was a small group of us and we had dinner and talked and talked and talked. I think all of us gained insight as a consequence of the conversations. It is difficult to even describe the energy of the evening or the depth  of our connections - it was just so beautiful.

I am staying in a district of Detroit which is seen from the outside and the inside - as the area of the City with the most problems etc. It is unusual for a white European to be a visitor here -  and as we talked last night there was a point in our conversation when we were reflecting on this - when there was a gunshot very close by - it made us all laugh  with its timing!

I was talking to young boy yesterday about  guns  and he was amazed to find out that in Europe it is not normal to carry a gun and that in the UK, police officers do not normally carry guns. We talked about children being killed and he said his cousin had killed himself by accidentally shooting himself. Bufffffff

Yesterday evening was very powerful and this morning  I am reflecting on that  and also where I have been, and who I have talked to whilst I've been here in America.   There is often a superficiality that masks pain  and fear -   not just here in the USA -  although I do think it is particularly prevalent here. The beauty of last night was its joyousness -  pain and fear were acknowledged, and through one lifetime the most unimaginable pain and fear -   it was extraordinary and difficult to describe.

It all reinforces my belief that I am here in this lifetime to learn and that I manifest the people and events in my life in order to learn........

I feel so amazingly privileged to be here.........