I'm wide awake in the early hours of the morning and I am very aware that it is 10 years to the day and the time that Chris died.
I was asked yesterday if I was going to do anything special to recognise the day and I replied probably not.... but then I realised that I have been so very aware that the day was coming that I have been recognising it for a long time.... maybe for ten years........
And for ten years I have lived my life with the knowledge of Chris's death and with some kind of understanding of his death, though at the moment I feel I can understand his death better than I can understand his life - or my own........
The purpose of life is a mystery.
I can sometimes see with great clarity that my soul has incarnated into this body, this lifetime.... to learn..... I can feel this, see this, witness the learning and feel great joy and certainty....... but there are other times that I struggle.......
Ten years is a long time........ and my life has totally changed during this time...... and I have changed during this time.
Five years ago today my Father was at the point of death and today my Mother is getting close to the end of her life.
But the ten years have been rich years, full of learning, happiness and of course some heartbreak....
And during these the years have grown, I have flown, I have loved, I have danced, I have laughed, I have cried, I have learnt........ and I have been ALIVE!!!!!!
Sometimes wonderfully alive, sometimes happily alive, sometimes day to day alive but most times consciously alive....... grateful, appreciative, recognising the blessing of life and being thankful.
But do I feel that I understand what it means to be alive?...... then I have to say no.
I am conscious that every breath is precious, that my body is an amazing gift, that to be alive is to be treasured and that I have a responsibility to recognise this and to cherish my life and to............ and this is the question to do what?
Beyond being grateful and appreciative..... beyond being caring and loving, and seeking to find the truth in the day to day.... what does being alive mean?
Of course the answer is to learn............
My learning over the last ten years has been beautiful, hard, challenging and sometimes crystalline in its clarity. I have learnt about myself, others and the world and I have also been able to see that my individual learning is a drop in the learning of the Universe.
I can feel this knowledge, I can write this and I can speak this knowledge.
So maybe my purpose is just to continue to learn, without needing to know the purpose of the knowledge - maybe I need to understand nothing more than my drop of knowledge is important to the Universe.
So my Lovely Chris - for ten years I have missed you, felt your absence in my life, learnt to live without you...... and as I recognise that this is the moment that you died ten years ago, I cry.... tears of love.... and through my tears I smile and say thank-you. I did love you very much, we had amazing children together and thirty five years of LIFE together. And I continue to live.............
I was asked yesterday if I was going to do anything special to recognise the day and I replied probably not.... but then I realised that I have been so very aware that the day was coming that I have been recognising it for a long time.... maybe for ten years........
And for ten years I have lived my life with the knowledge of Chris's death and with some kind of understanding of his death, though at the moment I feel I can understand his death better than I can understand his life - or my own........
The purpose of life is a mystery.
I can sometimes see with great clarity that my soul has incarnated into this body, this lifetime.... to learn..... I can feel this, see this, witness the learning and feel great joy and certainty....... but there are other times that I struggle.......
Ten years is a long time........ and my life has totally changed during this time...... and I have changed during this time.
Five years ago today my Father was at the point of death and today my Mother is getting close to the end of her life.
But the ten years have been rich years, full of learning, happiness and of course some heartbreak....
And during these the years have grown, I have flown, I have loved, I have danced, I have laughed, I have cried, I have learnt........ and I have been ALIVE!!!!!!
Sometimes wonderfully alive, sometimes happily alive, sometimes day to day alive but most times consciously alive....... grateful, appreciative, recognising the blessing of life and being thankful.
But do I feel that I understand what it means to be alive?...... then I have to say no.
I am conscious that every breath is precious, that my body is an amazing gift, that to be alive is to be treasured and that I have a responsibility to recognise this and to cherish my life and to............ and this is the question to do what?
Beyond being grateful and appreciative..... beyond being caring and loving, and seeking to find the truth in the day to day.... what does being alive mean?
Of course the answer is to learn............
My learning over the last ten years has been beautiful, hard, challenging and sometimes crystalline in its clarity. I have learnt about myself, others and the world and I have also been able to see that my individual learning is a drop in the learning of the Universe.
I can feel this knowledge, I can write this and I can speak this knowledge.
So maybe my purpose is just to continue to learn, without needing to know the purpose of the knowledge - maybe I need to understand nothing more than my drop of knowledge is important to the Universe.
So my Lovely Chris - for ten years I have missed you, felt your absence in my life, learnt to live without you...... and as I recognise that this is the moment that you died ten years ago, I cry.... tears of love.... and through my tears I smile and say thank-you. I did love you very much, we had amazing children together and thirty five years of LIFE together. And I continue to live.............
