Feeling on the edge of being overwhelmed,

... tonight I got back from Berlin after a two day conference in Halle, Germany... which I arrived at straight from Peru - well via Panama and Amsterdam.... and tonight I have been putting photos on Facebook.... they only tell a fraction of the story .... I looked at these photos and also talked to a dear friend on the phone and I am just so full of amazement at my life.....

Not just being where I have been... but the learning ...... I can see my learning - am almost standing outside myself  as I watch myself learn..... and the people that I have been so blessed to have met - wonderful, amazing people... of all ages.

This  is currently my Fb profile picture and I just love it..... I am feeling so alive...... and so grateful....... buzzing!!!!

time......

...... yesterday I gave my notice in at work! In 9 months I go part-time and sometime before the end of 2015 I will leave the University of Liverpool - I started working for the University in 1984 - so basically most of my working life!

I had one partner for over 30 years and one employer for over 30 years - not sure what that makes me..... maybe a creature of habit! Not how I would usually describe myself!

I do have a wonderful job though...... and on reflection I know I have made my own world of work - looking back I have made things happen... people often ask me how I ended up doing what I do.... and I have a very easy answer which may well sound simplistic.... I followed my intuition... I did not plan a career - I did what my heart told me was the right thing to do......  which many times was not always the easiest thing to do.......

Sometimes things didn't go as I expected or wanted ..... and there have been times when I was very frustrated by that.... but for many years now I have gone with my heart and it all just sort of happened!

Difficult to explain - but I suppose at the core of what I have done in my working life has been to try and make a difference.... and to try and make as big a difference as possible. Social justice - trying my best to do the right thing for the world.... Sounds pretentious!!! 

I also know that I was pretty fearless..... not going for the secure option - going to a risky place.... being an entrepreneur.... and being able to do that....  following my passion..... and getting money - looking back over the years a lot of money - around 70% of the costs for a team of up to 22 people - that was a lot of money!

And now I start to prepare for the next stage of my life.................... how exciting!!!!!!

home.....

..... am at home arrived from Paris this morning with Rene - we had stayed a couple of days with Alex and Lara - with Vaughn.... we had a lovely time..... we had come straight from Ghent - that was a very good conference ..... our penultimate SiS Catalyst conference - good, hard work - but that's what it's all about!

I have been thinking a lot about the future - my life will be so different in a year - no conferences to arrange - no more work travelling - having said that I am sure that I will be doing both - working and travelling - but what and where - who knows!!!!

I feel I need to think about what I would like to do - maybe put some irons into the fire - but then to wait and see what the Universe has in store for me - I do feel increasingly excited about the unknown..... I also know that when something comes along - I must follow my heart... and to ensure that I listen to my heart..... the heart's voice can be quite soft and gentle...... So the most important thing for me is to ensure that I stay tuned in to the voice of my heart in order to hear what I should do....... Well it has worked beautifully up to now!

But tonight I go a dear friends birthday party - then see my Mum - Jimmy, Rene and Gilly for dinner - then a week at work then off again to Peru.

My heart feels happy! xxxx

home but off again!

....... got back from India on Monday - so lots of stuff still circulating around me - amazingly busy working  week - Jimmy and Vaughn for dinner on Tuesday, Steph arrived on Thursday - and we all go to Ghent in Belgium tomorrow morning - pick up at 5.45!

So crazy travelling life continues - wonderfully full - but what a world - feels right to be me - but pretty full on!

Being in India

... tonight I am  in Delhi with Jenny - today we visited the Taj Mahal - a couple of days ago we were at Kathan and Swati's wedding, last week we visited tribal communities and schools and stood on the salt desert of Raam with an astronomer friend of Abhay's and watched the moon rise, the sun set and heard the Indian legends of the stars.....

I am full tonight... full of so much.... so many special things .... the joy of being with my sister Jenny, meditating every morning and going deep together, being together.... tonight laughing so much at the noises around us..... at the moment the best gurgling toilet we have ever heard!

....Kathan and Swati's wedding and the privilege of being part of that... the amazing hospitality of Abhay and Shraddha.... flying with Kathan's grandparents.... that was special... everything being special... trying to appreciate every wonderful moment of this time.

India is India........ I had a text from a European friend who said 'I am trying to imagine but I am not sure I can.... ' I agree......  India is such a different place..... and is very difficult to describe...... duality but different  .... I think India makes you face - full on - the definition of everything.....

Similarities and differences...... this is the heart of everything - recognising our similarities (our humanity) and cherishing our differences (our individual journeys and their cultural contexts).

How blessed am I!!!!!!!!

Words are inadequate........

Flowing between worlds.....

Sometimes I am not certain what world I am living in........

I had a great conversation earlier today with someone who talked about living life by flowing between two worlds..... it resonated a lot with me.

One  of my current blessings is that I spend quite a bit of time on my own... something that earlier on in my life was my greatest fear - but now is a great place to be - and somewhere I often just want to be - on  my own. Not only to on my own but consciously being on my own - I think that this is the cross over point between the two worlds - the conscious awareness of being alone - and loving this! OK sounds bonkers - but feels like where I am.

..... it's not always easy to be here though - and I think that's the thing about living in two worlds. Anyway not complaining - how could I - living the life I do - with all the blessing I have?

So tonight I put my out of office on for two weeks plus a few days..... tomorrow I meet Jenny at Mum's house and we go off to the airport for our Qatar/India adventure.... the bit that amazes me is that that we are being hosted for the entire trip by friends/family - how did that happen?

I feel tonight that is the flow - if you go with it you - it is no surprise to have friends/family across the world - go with the flow........crazy but truly wonderful!

Packing to go to India..

Seems strange - definitely not  got my holiday head on yet...... know I have done most of the things I have to do workwise, before I go - but am unsettled yet about that.... knowing things that are not in my control, need now to occur - my one concern is that things will not happen because I will be away - decisions that come up and need to be made.... but on Wednesday I will write an email out of office and the next day fly to Qatar with Jenny..... so I have to do my best in the next three days to make sure all that I can do has been done......

The universe has arranged things very neatly in that I meet Rachel's parents for the first time in Qatar - when I saw that our flights to India stopped in Doha - it occurred to me that it would be an opportunity to see Rachel and to meet her parents - and now we will be discussing weddings!

Then off to India for Kathan and Swati's wedding, plus all sorts of other adventures arranged by Abhay, Kathan's father, meeting David and Nalani from Hawaii in Delhi and hopefully Hector in Ahmadabad if we are both there at the same time.....wow!!!!!! How extraordinary and how amazingly blessed am I?

OK will continue my packing now, clean the flat and continue this blogg later after I have been to visit my Mum and met Jose the Spanish Intern at the airport.

OK - so am now home - Mum was not good when I arrived - she has been unwell over the last few days, she looked pale and worn and was sad - but she was getting better and we had a lovely afternoon, we talked about life and death, I gave my Mum a sound healing session - it is fantastic to see how they relax her - anyway she was much happier when I left, which felt special.

Mum's ailment is linked to her digestion and what felt very reassuring to me, was that she could track it right back to her childhood - she had felt her age yesterday as she was unwell, and was thinking that at 93, that any illness means her time has come...... to recognise that she had this problem all her life made us both happy!

She is also grieving for Ellen - in her own way - referring many times as to how Ellen had been 20 years younger when she died recently...... grief is always very personal......

So back to packing for India... reflecting and wondering at the turns and twists of an individual life's journey..... I have been think about this much recently - especially when talking to my Mum today - she and I talked beautifully deeply and it felt special to me - and I think my Mum - that we could talk about our soul's purpose .... of learning from this our own unique journey.

Special, special, special...........

buzzing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...........and am feeling great - though also feeling pretty buzzed out tonight!

Italy last week, my birthday weekend followed by three days of intensive work - lots of visitors - all welcome and all special -  lots and lots and lots of thinking, talking, reflecting, recognising change ...... and all that goes along with this - and also along with that the recognition of what we must now do.......... the work!

Responsibility is my word of the moment - and what a word....... a word that is easy to say but so difficult (sometimes) to put into practice........ but actually what it's all about - it's what we have to do..... knowing is easy (haha!) but doing with knowledge is such a different thing.... putting our money where our mouth is..... living it - not just speaking it..... doing what we now have to do - taking personal responsibility  - but not taking responsibility personally -  doing it, living  it... being it - and maybe taking time to recognise that we are part of the change, maybe triggering the change.... embracing the change..... being the change!

I started by saying I was buzzing - and I think the last paragraph proved that!

So today started early after hosting a small but wonderful dinner last night - the final event of three days of... work - my work, crazy wonderful amazing work.......  and this morning the discussions moved into the next stage of planning - after times when I have felt that I just couldn't see a way forward  (that was Monday!)

Yesterday was hard and unexpectedly wonderful - I was hosting an event and was anticipating it with pleasure... but the details of the right people turning up, in the right room and it being what they wanted and needed ..... with the words and discussion being meaningful, inspirational and life changing as well as the  coffee and the lunch being there etc etc  (thanks Natalie!) ... and feeling responsible - but knowing that I could only be responsible for the ingredients - the cake is always made by the ingredients, the right mixing, the temperature of the oven etc etc.

...... and it happened... I felt it went really, really well..... but you can never actually know what other people felt, or thought, or gained (or lost) from it.... but felt strongly that it moved my thinking forward - my learning - wonderful!

Tonight I feel tired - had a lovely evening with Jimmy - Rachel went back to Qatar on Monday... discussed weddings and ate well, had a great conversation with my Mum and were happy..... now I think it is time for an early night!

Buzzing bloggggg!!!!!

time to be off again....

..... so tomorrow I'm off to Italy - followed in very quick succession to all sorts of places... feels very right in a strange sort of way. I have been unwell over the last few weeks and a bit lacking in energy, and though I have been very happy to be home - I have also felt strangely restless to be off again - itchy feet!

Meetings in Italy - who would have thought that I would have meetings to go to in Italy? Mind who would have thought that one of my sons would live in France, one in Croatia and one in Liverpool with an American girlfriend living in Qatar applying for jobs in countries other than the UK because of visas - Wow!

Looks like we have become a family of itchy feet - or maybe a family that has followed our feet.......

Change is coming - change is all around us.... and that is not an easy place for any of us to be.... but it is where we are - so as I get ready to be off again - I am going to focus on where I am.... now  ...... though knowing tomorrow it will be somewhere completely different.... the winds of change are here.

As a Chinese proverb says - as told to me today by a friend - when the winds of change blow - people either build walls or windmills - and my reaction was - I build windmills - and this is exactly what I have to do.......... so off tomorrow to build windmills in Italy - how blessed  am I?

2014 has started....

... and it feels good! Still full of cold and have now got a horrible cough but it feels OK - the cough is probably a legacy of the flu. Today I went to work - which was a bit of a shock to the system after a lovely couple of weeks with family and friends - doing very little but being with them and enjoying their company and eating lovely food - very seasonal. We went to Hereford in a huge rambling old house, with big wooden beams built in the 1600s. Special -  lots of family including my boys and my Mum - it was just perfect.

I welcomed in the New Year by having a lovely evening with a couple of friends - we welcomed in  2014 with a Sound Journey, Wishes, heartful conversations, food made with love and dancing - it was lovely gentle way into 2014.

Yesterday I woke to the phone ringing and it was my sister Jenny telling me that my cousin Ellen had had a brain hemorrhage - she was still alive but very poorly. Still waiting to hear if there has been any developments...... she is only early 70s - the oldest of my cousins - but was very fit, walked a lot, slim build, healthy diet - the last person I would have thought of.

It's one of those things that you can't do anything about but wait.... keeps re-appearing in the mind..... My Mum was told but she has forgotten - well I have talked to her twice and she hasn't mentioned it - I am glad - she doesn't want to know - so she just blocks it out. She was noticeably frailer this holiday  - she also has a sadness which is new - well it's been coming on for a few weeks now...... Having said that she had a great holiday - loved it - loved the family all around, eating everything, joining in as much as she could, she even had a couple of glasses of wine one night and got very argumentative  about Hitler - Jimmy and Rachel made a very good audience - but you can't argue with someone who says - I know I am right because I was there!

So 2014 has started - with all of the fraility of life and all of the joy - from  new babies to sadness......

What an amazing world we live in - every precious second of it.

Goodbye 2013 and welcome 2014..........

Getting better slowly

... I feel like I have been ill for ages - but of course it has only been a few days.. but I think it was more flu than a cold... and I suppose I am just not used to being ill - lucky me! Chris always said I was an awful patient and I have only had myself to be with!

I have done a few work things between going back to bed, knitting and sleeping - but what has been very special has been my Mum. I phone her a lot - but she rarely if ever phones me - but she has really been with me over the last few days - she gets into 'loops' - ideas which appear and re-appear often -  and me being unwell has got into her head - she has been so lovely and solicitous - phoning me, worry about me, I have felt very close to her - and we have talked - and cried together - which has been special. She has been very concerned that I have been ill on my own - which actually has been OK - I'm just doing the right thing to get better - resting, drinking lots of honey herb teas and eating as much as I can.

I will miss my phone calls with my Mum - one day.

That makes me feel sad - and I suppose being ill is making me feel a bit sad - but that's OK too. I don't want to be self indulgent though - and I am grateful and thankful - just a bit sad too!

I suppose that's why I have been thinking about my future partner - thinking about my future.... but who knows what tomorrow will bring....... I hope it includes me feeling better - back to being normal me and full of beans again!

Full of cold.......

..... am full of cold and clearly not well - it started a couple of days ago - and I would have been off work today but people had come from London and the Lake District for meetings - so I went in - I really hope I haven't passed my bug on to them! I came back and just fell sound asleep. It's funny being ill - and I'm not used to it! I am trying to avoid taking any chemicals but will watch and listen to my body.

So I am all wrapped up in my warm little flat - drinking copious amounts of herbal tea with extra lemon, ginger and honey - just wanting to feel well soon.

This enforced rest has made me think about my future.... and in particular my future partner. I know he's out there but I don't know any more than that. It's an exciting prospect and one which will change  my life completely.... he could appear any day but equally he might not be in life for a long time - que sera, sera....... I joined an on line dating site last night - things to do when full of cold! I haven't paid any money and have only joined the first level.... but it was an interesting process - identifying what I am looking for in a future partner.

The site I joined is for people who identify as spiritual - and I had an interesting time - browsing! Most of the men were in the USA or Australia - which felt safe for me as I am just looking - but it looks like there are some really lovely men out there - which is nice to know!

But it has made me think that I  do need to be clear to myself that I am now looking for a long-term relationship - and thinking about my cousin Andy's advice - I should actually not look for a partner but find ways of making friends with a larger set of people first - but it will be useful and fun to have a look on line - seeing the things that the men say they are looking for was interesting!

But for now I am coughing and sneezing, with a very red nose, streaming eyes and headache - I don't think I will do the video for in the dating site tonight!!!!!

Life is an adventure though!

On holiday - at home.......

...... today I am on holiday.

I have told several people this over the last few days and the have just laughed at me - as if the concept of me being on holiday is funny - quite right too - my life is a holiday!

However...... today I am not at work, have nothing planned and am still in bed.... on holiday. so I will blogg - catch up with myself - maybe think about things in a different way - a way without obligations or effort.... I shall just be a Swan and glide effortlessly through the day.

Am having a 'thing' about the Swan at the moment - not certain what it means - but when you get several unexpected and repeating references to something I think it is time to take notice...... and explore what it might mean.

I have just looked in my Tarot cards and was surprised to read that the Swan signifies: Breaking old bonds and finding new rivers in which to swim. I didn't expect that...... but I do feel very strongly that I am moving into a new phase of my life.

I have been dancing for four days - Journey into Trance - with an amazing teacher Jonathan Horan...... I plunged deeply into the dance..... not holding back..... and not holding onto anything just letting my body and my soul immerse themselves in the liberation of following the wave...... It was especially liberating as I had a second teacher - a badly sprained foot which I acquired the night before the dance - through standing up too quickly from a chair!  It was a joy - very painful to stand on.... I had to 'dance around' my foot... it was truly wonderful - I danced on the floor, I danced on a chair, I danced on the altar, I danced without moving my right foot.... I danced ecstatically, joyfully, beautifully..... it was like my body radiated energy - and I had amazing dances with others - sharing our energies and releasing, releasing...... releasing......... buffffffffffff - I had such a FANTASTIC DANCE!

Yesterday I started to come back to Earth and had a lovely day, lunching and karaoking with Pat and Nita.... being family.... feeling loved and loving.... delicious.

So today I have no plans...... isn't that just such a gift - the weather is wet - with blue skies - seeing a lot of this unusual weather at the moment... and frost on the roofs of the houses... so I shall stay in bed..... happiness is! Then maybe  shall go and buy some little tupperwares as I seem to have given mine away and I like to freeze portions of meals... can't stand to waste food.

This is  a rambling blogg - reflecting my rambling holiday feeling...... I am glad I am on holiday - and know that the sprained foot was also telling me to slow down and stay grounded for a while - I have been dashing around the world for quite a while now!  I need to reflect on the new rivers the Swan is signifying.

Well I think that's what I will do today....... meditate........

I AM JUST SO BLESSED!

letting go......

... it's funny - but probably not - but I am having a few days off work - starting today - and suddenly my body and mind seems to have melted into exhausted goo!!!

I have been thinking today about my year so far.......  and I have been constantly on the go for months now, travelling, working, meeting people, being with family and friends, being very focused.... and very happy.... but absolutely non-stop.

Well today I stopped and it was like a ton of bricks landed on me!

I still have a few work things to do tomorrow and they are worrying me a bit - as today I just couldn't  get my brain to work at all... but I had told it to go on holiday - and it was just doing what it was told!

Anyway I am home - which is unusual! I was thinking about going away for a while but apart from being  down to stay with Lizzie in Devon this weekend - recovering well and it was a joy to be there - I am glad to be home - I will dance for the weekend - a special teacher and three days so that will help with my energy level! Go and spend time with my Mum - and maybe just not do anything - funny feeling it wont work out like that - but I will try and slow down for a few days..... feel less knackered just by writing this blogg!!!!!!

Saturday morning

.. and I'm in bed - Alex is sleeping next door - Sam and Jess are around at Jimmy's - a house they knew from their childhood - I think Rob and a friend are on the train on their way from London - communication with my eldest son can be a hit and miss! But his new phoned arrived here on Thursday - so hopefully will be easier after he gets that. Phones must be cheaper here than in Croatia.

The reason for them all being here is Pat's 50th Birthday - Jan's little sister - I have known her since she was a child - in a wheelchair for the last three years after a stroke - she is a wise woman - who has had a hard life - earlier I was wondering why some people have such hard lives and others like me - have such easy lives - or lucky lives as my Mum calls them.

I know our lives are about learning - our soul's journey of learning..... but our life's journey starts from the  moment of conception - the circumstances of our birth, our parents, position in family - let alone where we are born - all those things come into play - before actually anything that we do with our lives, the choices we make...... maybe this is just the mystery of our life - why did our soul choose to be born into this set of circumstances - what was the lesson it wanted to learn?

So why did my soul choose to be born into this lucky life? What did it want to learn? Good question this and am not certain I know the answer yet - maybe it was to learn to appreciate and to be happy.... if that was the case then I think I have learnt well!!!!! I do appreciate my lucky life, my wonderful family which goes so far beyond my biological family, my amazing job and all the blessings that that gives me, my wonderful husband of 35 years - and on and on - how blessed am I...... and yes how happy I am - lessons like this are just so beautiful......

...... and now I will get up and make a HUGE breakfast for all these wonderful young people who are in my life - and treasure every second of this special day within my lucky life......

I am just so grateful to be alive........

Not quite back to earth......

.... well am at home - arrived back from Poland yesterday afternoon - which I know was Sunday but all the days have been so intense and full - I can't say it looked or felt like an ordinary Sunday! Which of course it wasn't.

Well am home - Rene came back from Lodz with me - I was away for nearly two weeks - a Mentoring Associate  visit by David and Nalani from Hawaii to Jerzy and his team in Poland followed by a week of conference - all good - all more than good actually - but tonight I can feel it went really well - but am not sure if I could articulate it!

Think I am still living a bit on adrenaline - and the high of being...... not sure though what I am being.... probably exhausted - 10 countries in 10 weeks, in three continents, two/three day turn arounds...... But I am also high/elated/joyful/grateful....... the joy and insights of being me - and going where I go - to meet who I meet - is actually a bit overwhelmed - I do lead a truly amazing life!

in bed.....

and in my own bed which makes  change........ and I am thinking of spending most of the day here!

My body is tired, overcome to late nights, very early jet lagged mornings and a rough flight home when dehydration//low blood  pressure got to me and I ended up on oxygen. On reflection it was self induced, not deliberately, but as a consequence of me not listening to my body - being wrapped up in an amazing opportunity to meet and reflect - globally ....... and just not drinking enough precious water.

What  I loved most about the conference was the global thinking - not by all obviously but by many - I could see real global consciousness growing and that was fantastic. My own learning growing through the joy of reflection and the opportunity to feel the passion and wisdom of the other participants. It was a Congress - a meeting of minds -  and like everything you get back what you give. I know I contributed passion and...... I hesitate to write the word wisdom - but I think I should overcome my hesitation and recognise that I do contribute wisdom....... Wow that was a big thing for me to write! Sometimes I just feel like I have so little wisdom ..... in the sense of factual knowledge and research based information etc ...... whilst at other times my heart just sings with pure knowing and joy which seems greater even than wisdom......

Interesting.......

I love it when my blogg writing clarifies my thinking!

I was recently talking to Rene about Elders..... and I have not felt that I was ready yet to be an Elder..... but suddenly today I do! Not certain what this means yet..... but for me, maybe becoming an Elder means that I am becoming closer to the beautiful wise child within myself...... yes I like that..... her knowedge is not based on the content of my brain - her knowedge is based on the wisdom of my heart.......

.... back to this world.... so now I am home - arrived yesterday afternoon and apart from phoning my Mum I have done nothing but drink herbal teas and rested - and intend to spend today in a very similar manner - though I know I also need to go and walk in the park and be with the trees and the plants to complete my body balancing.

........ body tired, brain drained but heart singing!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE IT!

.....off to Canada tomorrow

.... holding close to my heart the news that things are going well in Devon - a week ago I was in Torquay hospital with Lizzie.... she was so very dangerously ill ..... and a week later she is home but her world completely changed.... but the news is as positive as possible - so that's great.

Will call in at my Mum's  tomorrow on my way to airport - she wants to send flowers - and Lizzie loves flowers so that will be a nice thing to do. I am all packed and plan to have an early night and as long a lie in tomorrow as I can manage........ Gilly coming round shortly and we will drink wine and talk which is what we do so well together.

Feeling tired but also strangely strong as I see things happen - unrolling in front of me....... the pace is furious though. Feel I just have to give into the speed - accept that life is changing so very quickly.... have spent a lot of today planning and talking about 2014 and 2015 - turn around and it will be 2016 - I wonder where I will be  then - could be anywhere - now that is exciting!!!!!!!

Days are a blurr......

...... and know I am not alone in this....

... back home from London - very, very good work but all a blurr.... tonight I am feeling physically very tired - which I am not really used to.... but I am holding close to me that Lizzie is doing a day at a time..... and my Mum is very happy after her weekend - it is strange but probably not - she got so much out of last weekend. 

Reflecting on the intensity of last weekend  - know I need to give myself sometime to just be me..... also London was good work but also intense in its own way!  Itis lovely to be in my flat - I have music playing and it just so very peaceful..... would go to bed but it is only 9 o'clock!

Thinking a lot about Lizzie, Andy, Claire and Nigel tonight and over last couple of days..... and their journey.... hard but filled with so much love...  and a huge privilege to witness - and to be included within.....

So the days are a blurr - but that's OK - need to stay present and appreciate the moment - every precious second we are alive - life is for living - but tonight it is for sleeping!

the unexpected curve ball!

.... am home it's Monday evening...... and it's hard to know where to start this blogg.

Friday morning I left early to take my Mum and Sophie for a little holiday to stay with with my cousins in Devon..... at the time I was just thinking about my Mum and travelling that distance and would she be alright, looking forward to spending time with Lizzie, Andy and their family etc etc -  when circumstances changed everything........

It is strange that we turn up for the weekend - much looked  forward to by all - hosts and visitors..... ..... when Lizzie my lovely cousin - becomes seriously and life threateningly ill.

So what has happened is that Lizzie has had major surgery - which she survived - and is now at a threshold of recovery (or not) - to be blunt.

But during this weekend we have  been......

....family

....... and tonight I am just treasuring the gift of family - to be able to love, to receive and to witness love....... is to be human - and to be consciously human is such a joy....... joy out of such an emotional and potentially sad weekend could be thought of as a bit weird - but it actually feels so right.  But the shadow of joy is grief.......

.... family means all of us.......