The books have gone..............

The 17 crates of books have now gone ... out of my life and into others - Rob and I took the last lot of 9 boxes to the Cat Sanctuary shop today - it was a wonderful feeling to have finally got them out of my life!!!

Getting very decisive re my own things, letters, dairies memorabilia from my childhood - now all gone. I didn't really want them enough to keep them any longer. Alex read my angst ridden teenage diaries out loud to me last weekend - and we laughed - what am I keeping them now for - for my children to read after I'm dead - don't think so - so they've gone - and I'm very happy for that!!! Still keep finding photographs - I have squirreled them all over the house over the years - keeping them.

Got the keys for my flat yesterday - Ann was over so it was lovely to walk across the park, which was looking stupendously beautiful in the soft evening light, and to show her my new home. I was pleased that she seemed to really like it. Rob and I also called over today with some stuff. He says it's better every time he sees it - which is also good. We popped into Aigburth Peoples Hall - just over the road which has a lovely garden out the back - so I wont have a garden but I will have a lovely place to go - on a summer evening and have a glass of wine with Gilly - which was the best use of my garden here!

Had a group of young people looking at the house this evening, which I am pleased to say felt really good. The house will be happier when it is full of life and young people, it is not meant to be just for one person.

So have just had a long deep bath as my body is tired and a bit sore, lots of lifting and carrying. So a long bank holiday weekend to continue moving, sorting and finally detaching myself from all of this. Rob is camping in the lakes and Jim is in Barcelona - so I will avoid big lifting stuff - still got plenty to do - but the end is in sight - wow - feeling knackered but very happy!!!!

... and it continues

Wow felt the need to blogg twice today - as it has been a long and remarkably rewarding day... I have now got that feeling/knowledge that I am getting close to moving - though like the last bit of anything the reality is pretty chaotic - at least superficially - the whole house is a mess - and everything is upside down - but - I now think that I have really got to the bottom of what needs to be sorted - wonderful!!

So many special moments today - taking the table to Fiona's - that was a biggie for me - of course Rob sorted it - using Nita's van - and I did wobble momentarily - it was a big thing for me - that table - the heart of this house - the touchstone for everyone who has ever been here!!! So no pressure there - but with love - Rob and I took it round to Fiona's - to be greeted by the amazingly beautiful Aidan in the arms of his blessed grandparents - right decision!!

Then Alex and I spent all day going to the last places to go to - like the whole cupboard of children's books - and together we sorted everything into two piles - those which meant something to us and others - but the ones that meant something - were big somethings!!! Chris was the story teller in our family - I would cook tea and do stuff whilst he told little boys bedtime stories - every night - for all those years and with all those books - and with so much love!!!

But strangely choosing a small set to keep was really very easy - Alex and I just recognised the special ones - they were also the most dog eared and it ended up quite a small pile! - and I put them in a box and we have then put them in the loft (nb this is not an easy process!). This all sounds a bit obvious - but is has not been easy to recognise what is really important - in the context of the house and my whole life with Chris and our family - but I suppose I knew all along that it's the small things that are important - it's not the books that are important but the fact that Chris told the boys stories every night for all those years - with love - wow wonderful.

savouring the 'lasts'

After three plus years of 'firsts' - I'm now going through a series of 'lasts' - last time I'll do this sort of thing ........

...but it's OK!!! In fact it's great! Today I'm going to get Rob to take my beautiful table round to Fiona's - so I've had my last meal round that - and never even noticed - wonderful. I'll have the keys for the flat next Friday and can start taking stuff round next weekend - how exciting!!!

Still a lot of clearing and sorting going on - recycling via Freecycle is working well and today I am going to put some things in the loft - and then I will only have the lace to get rid of - not quite true as there are still boxes and boxes of books - Alex came home and completely re-organised Jim's arrangement of books - which was lovely as means all the boys have sat and reflected on the books and taken and sorted and re-arranged and given their blessing to what we leave and what we keep.. which is perfect.

Last night we had a big barbecue, friends of Jim, Alex and Jake and 3 out of 4 Interns, sadly the forth one Vaughn did not get a visa. I made a mountain of food and it all got eaten, I have just been downstairs and there was some stuff left when I went to bed but everything has now been eaten - I just love feeding young people- and we drank beer and laughed and played a murder game and argued and laughed and drank beer and it was just absolutely wonderful - a really really happy evening and if it was my 'last' barbecue it was a wonderful one.

So another day of sorting and then back to work, the sun is shining, my heart is singing and I am so happy to be alive - isn't life just wonderful!!!!

Photos ..... lifetimes of photos!!

Yesterday I sorted out the photos - I had boxes and boxes of them in the back room, and bags and bags of them, secreted all over the house - whenever I thought I had nearly finished yesterday - I thought of another place to look - this is a very big house to look in - and over the years I have taken very very many photographs!!

It's not just my life that is chronicled through these but Chris's, and because he was an only child I have also got the photos of his parents. I decided last week that I wanted them to come with me - the boys and their future partners and children may want to see them - but most importantly I'm not ready to do a major cull of them - I would want to scan many of them - so my plan is to take them all but stored in a new flat friendly and aesthetically pleasing manner!!

So that's what I did yesterday - I have an old chest which came from Chris's family house and Rob carried it out to the garden for me and I sanded it down and re-stained it and I am very pleased with the way it looks. By midnight I had finally fitted all the photos into it - 17 file boxes and two other bags. But they all fitted in - hurray!!!!!!!!!!!!

The photographs were amazing - memories - our brains are so amazing - I would see a photograph and I could remember the feel of that place, the taste of the food, the smell, the sand under my toes, hear the sound of the sea, bask in the heat of the sun, recalling specific conversations and memories. So I have spent all week going backwards through my life - feeling and being where my life has taken me - and as the week progressed and I caught more and more snapshots of my life - I have become almost overwhelmed with the sense of how unbelievably blessed I have been all my life.

When I was a younger woman the photographs did enable me to feel and recall some of the frustrations of youth - but looking back these are what gave me my drive and passion, which I put into my work. The Tricia in those photos was also very happy, she beamed at me - from parties, the garden, cities and beaches, with Chris, friends and boys. Holidays were where I took most photos and boy did we have a lot of holidays - my Mother's daughter!! Spain, the Costa Brava, Galicia and Mallorca, then later years Croatia and of course the caravan. 18 years of the beautiful lakes, walking, swimming, playing golf for the views not the game, and drinking beer with my Dad, doing the crossword. Special and magical times of my life.

So I have revisited my life and put it into a refurbished chest - ready to take with me to my new home!!!

I also varnished all the garden furniture for my tenants and made a huge pot roast with dumplings and a rhubarb crumble for Jimmy, Jack and Rob. I have now 2 book cases full of books in the front room which I will leave and 11 huge boxes of books for Rob to take to be recycled - and I was so pleased that Jim and Jack are taking a box back to their house - they went through every book with respect and that made me so happy. Hopefully the car will get out the garage next week as we need to shift stuff out of the house before I can show it to prospective tenants!

Still got a grandfather clock and several other bits of old furniture to dispose of and today I will do the tool cupboard, then an afternoon on Lark Lane with Pat and Nita - relishing and cherishing their company - eating and drinking wine - one of my favorite combinations!!!!

Moving on and so appreciative of my wonderful happy life.

and....

thank you Heyhursts - for being so spot on - yet again - como siempre!!

Embracing change and going for it.................

... but also recognising the quantity of change that is occurring!!

So need to blogg - that's good - being open with myself about what I'm doing here - these are big changes!!!

... and what I'm doing is leaving this house, this life, this Tricia and moving on - so quite a big thing then!!

I have talked to a lot of people - OK I do talk!! about moving etc - for example talked to someone yesterday - who said - I don't have anything in my house that I haven't used/worn for more than a year - if I don't use/wear it - it goes - wow!

At the moment I'm just leaving/giving away everything in this house - this has led to some amazingly special conversations about what people in my life would like to have - one thing from this house - to make part of their world.

The reason I'm blogging tonight - is to say let me know what bit of this house is special to you - I have been really surprised at what these conversation have led to - so ring me - because it wont be here this time next month - and if there is something that has a place in your life/home - let me know!!

De-personalisation...............

It's ridiculously early and the flask of chamomile tea has not done the trick this morning - the 'bing' was just too strong!!

Woke up thinking about this process that I'm going through - which is apparently called de-personalisation - in other words taking from my house anything that appertains to me and my family - wow this is a real big thing to do!!

I said there are no sacred cows and I am now making decisions which make that a reality. Yesterday took all the big photograph montages down from my walls - of which there were many - images of my life, family and friends over the decades - well they've gone - well they are still in bits in my front room but will be at the tip tonight.

Have put my first listing on Freecycle - and am beginning to think there will be very little to store in the attic - feeling OK about it all - know I'm not getting enough sleep - but don't feel stressed out - monitoring myself!

So another day starts and I get lighter and lighter as I get ready to leave!!!

Pretty grim day!!

After yesterday lovely party and this morning's positive blogg - have had pretty grim day - got to the last level of 'places that you don't go to' - where I found letters - mainly from people who are now dead - or cards/writing from or about my boys - special messages from them to me or Chris - all that I had kept for a reason - had quite a few big Chris moments - suppose it is also leaving the house - anyway gave up on the Aunty Elsie/Peggy lace heritage - and have recognised I need help on that one!!

But then Jenny had given me a couple of books yesterday and I started and finished reading one - When everything changes, change everything - and it was really good - so big breath - glad I've done what I've done today- recognise that it wasn't easy - but am proud of myself!!!

Sorting out things...........

.. and there is a lot to sort!! Being ruthless as am only going to take things with me that I really want to - although there is set of things which I want to keep for the house and the boys in the future - though this pile is getting smaller - and need to find somewhere to store them as well.

Still a few of Chris's things - just found his favourite jacket - which I obviously couldn't bring myself to get rid of before - it's now gone and today I am going to sort out the last of his instruments - being strong about all this but also recognising that it's not easy.

People have told me that moving house is up there as a very stressful thing to do - so I would be stupid if I didn't recognise this. Have ordered some furniture for my new flat as well - that was a lovely thing to do - and I've got a move date the 19th of June!!!

Was in Leeds yesterday at my cousin Ellen Birthday party - it was a wonderful party - lots of love for Ellen - who is a very special person - wise woman - and lots of my family - cousins I haven't seen for years - since my wedding in the case of my cousin Stuart!

I have been with my extended family - 3 out of the last 4 weekends - my Mum's birthday party, the walking weekend and yesterday at Ellen's. Special that - and really good timing - for me to feel a part of such a lovely family when I'm making this big move and leaving my own family house.

So today I will continue to sort stuff out - it's a beautiful sunny day and it's great to be alive!!!!

Not feeling chaotic...

Just been dancing - which was lovely - after a beautiful long weekend - away with my three sisters, a cousin and five female friends - how lucky is that - walking - and talking - I love that combination - walking and talking deeply with that person and then as the day progresses, walking and talking deeply with someone else - and that's what we did - walk and talk deeply - wonderful!!!

So feel very enriched by the weekend - we stayed in a pub and as we all shared rooms - the conversations continued over dinner, and on into the night and then started all over again in the mornings!!!! 10 women opening up to each other - just talking honestly to each other, sharing histories and stories and of course laughing - I think women together laugh differently - finding humour in things from a womans perspective - and we did laugh so much.

I called this blogg - Not feeling chaotic - because - even though there are so many changes occurring in my life - it actually does not feel chaotic - I discussed the changes in my life a lot this weekend - and the joy of talking is that you put your thoughts into words and then these words have a life of their own - so talking about moving etc was wonderful because as I talked the words became fatter and more solid - because they were listened to and reflected on - and then endorsed - passing the sisterhood test in the process!!

Wow - things happen quickly!!

Been at a lovely award ceremony tonight - and got back really late - but can't sleep as am absolutely buzzing - as today I signed a contract on a flat - wow - so quick!!!!

So in 6 weeks time - I will be living in a small two bedroom flat the other side of the park - WOW!! It has happened so quickly - but I like that 'cos I made decisions and then things just happened - I am happy with the decision - and now it's all change!!

Still pretty emotional and recognising that there will be things that I will miss - like hanging my washing out in the garden - and a gas cooker - and my beautiful carpets - but hey there will be things that I won't miss - like rattling around a huge family house on my own - don't know yet what I wont miss - as sitting here in bed - I can't yet see myself not living here.... but I'm now set on a course to move out.. and smiling as I write - yes am very comfortable with decision to move - yes really like flat - but no - actually no idea what I will think and feel when I'm actually blogging from Travellers Court - the name of new flat!

So life is an ongoing adventure - and I'm embracing and dancing my way through it - and am happy that it's the only way to live your life - going for it!!!

Words become actions....

Now that I have said I'm moving and told people - i.e. put it into words - it has now become a reality. That's the thing about words - they have a life of their own - they take shape as ideas and then they you bring them into existence - either by being spoken or written - and then they just go off on their own - taking your thoughts and making them happen!!

Went dancing last night - which was really good - and told the dancers - and then we went to the Everyman and just laughed and laughed - which was wonderful. So with laughter in my heart I am embracing change and will dance my way through this big milestone in my life - and now it is becoming a reality I am getting very excited about it!!!

Big decisions - which feel right!!

OK - have now made big decisions - and yes after much thought/emotion - am now getting used to the idea of leaving 1 Cheltenham Avenue - and this is a very big thing for many reasons not least cos I've lived here for 30 plus years - that's lifetime status!! But the house is just too big for one person - I have rattled around it on my own for nearly a year now - and I don't want to continue to do so. This is the house of my family - the Tricia that used to live here - Chris's wife - the mother of small children - she doesn't exist any more - and this Tricia - the new Tricia - she doesn't need a great big house.

So two levels to this - 'emotional' and 'rational' and boy that's where I am at the moment - really rational - making sensible decisions but also being seriously hit by emotional - have not felt so vulnerable for a long time.

So sensible decision - rent out Cheltenham Avenue - then rent an apartment just for me - behind this decision have been many options - which I have had to consider - but one joy in making this has been the love I have been shown whilst struggling to make the right decisions.

Yesterday Rob and Jim blitzed the garden - and I went to the tip four times - after Gilly came round and we had a barbie in the amazing clear and seemingly much larger garden - it looks great. The Gilly and I drank wine and talked about things - like we do - and that was also great.

Woke up this morning feeling a bit calmer though I have just revisited coming home from work after the phone call and finding Chris dying in the garden - I also thought about Jimmy finding his father and not being able to wake him - that's what he said when he phoned me - I can't wake Dad up. That must have been just so so awful for him.

Looking and my beautiful Jimmy yesterday - what an amazing young man - really happy at university and doing really really well - his father would have been so proud of him. Gilly was saying yesterday how lucky I was and in particular how lucky I am to have such three amazing sons - and yes I am. Lucky and proud of my wonderful sons.

Gilly also said that many people will also miss my house - sitting round the table - eating and drinking, sitting in the garden - eating and drinking - all those parties over all those years - lots of wonderful times - eating and drinking!!! The house was always full of people, children, dogs, laughter.... it has been such a wonderfully happy house - but I am now ready to leave it - not to sell it though - but to move onto another chapter of my life.

So big decision made - and now official cos I've blogged it!! Feeling happy about the decision and comfortable that it's the right one - but also feeling vulnerable and know that I need to look after myself - but also know that I'm loved - how lucky am I!!!

lot going on............

It's 5.30 in the morning and I just can't sleep so thought I'd write my blogg as I haven't for days. Last weekend was my Mum's 90th birthday and we all went away for the weekend. It was absolutely perfect. It's not often that you can say something was perfect - but it was - the whole weekend was perfect!!!

To be 90 is also an amazing thing - and my Mum is still enjoying her life so much - she feels that she has been so lucky in her life - which is true. She has had a rich life full of love. She has been able to give a lot of love and she has also been very loved. Still married to the love of her life - for over 63 years - that's also amazing!!!!!

We had a big family party with over 40 people there at some point over the weekend - second, third and fourth generations from both sides of the family and a few very special friends, including two women who were her friends for over 60 years. Telling stories and reminiscing about their lives. It was such a joy to be there, it was just that - a joy to be part of.

Back home to all change and ongoing turmoil, living a strange life at the moment. Making big decisions with a clarity which I can see and feel - then having to just accept the upset and emotional consequences of these!!

Glad I'm writing this blogg as always it gives me a space to reflect on what I'm doing and thinking.

So - how lucky am I - to still have my wonderful parents in my life - first thing! Second thing - you can't make a cake without breaking eggs - and that's what I'm currently doing!!!

Wonderful dream..

I woke up this morning aware of a wonderful and very apt dream:

I am an eagle, standing on the top of a cliff ready to to fly - to soar effortlessly off into the wind. I can feel the breezes playing with my feathers - tempting me to let go and to surrender into them. I am on this cliff edge and could go off in several directions - I am just waiting for the right wind to give me the message - surrender to me beautiful one and I will carry you to where you should be - your future- I am bathed in sunshine, below me is beautiful, green and a long way down but I have no fear - for I am an eagle ready to fly!

Wow - that's where I am at the moment - standing on the cliff edge waiting for the right wind messenger!!!

Back from Spain

House not too cold - so obviously warming up here as well - chamomile tea in bed combo - reflecting on the last few days - my life does seem to be surreal at the moment - and my time in Spain has just been another brief episode of..... not chaos.. but not sure what.... accelerated change I think.

The conference in Segovia was seriously surreal - and I spent a lot of time talking to someone I met there - who took my thinking way way out- which was amazing. Read a lot - in both Spanish and English - books which had been recommended or just appeared in my life - so much resonance with my own thinking - amazing to read books which are saying what I'm thinking!

Then today I was on the beach in the sun - in my new bikini! swimming - very briefly! in the Mediterranean - eating ice creams on Blanes promenade - talking in horrible Spanish - I just need to get better - I suppose the better I get the worse I know I am! Understanding conversation is my weakest bit - not getting one word or phrase can just throw me completely - I suppose it's just practice - the reading helps as I'm sure that's building up my vocabulary.

Been thinking a lot over the last few days and am not certain what will happen this week - feel very much at a point of change - but hey what's new there - seem to have been changing all the time recently!! But and it's an important But - I'm not afraid of change and that's the important thing.

turmoil ... but coping!!!

Am in a very weird place at the moment - turmoil is a good word - it comes near to describing the pace of change, the quantity of changes, the whirlwinds of changes that are occurring within me - both internally and externally!!

Tonight I feel back in the vortex of last year... but know I'm not - last year when I was dancing in Spain, I felt very blind and vulnerable with the pace of change - the snake goes blind when he castes his skin and that's how I felt - a little bit of life caught up and whirling out of control in a tornado spiral....

So don't feel like that - suppose I feel more in control - though control is not the right word - it's difficult to explain - I feel like I am living in turmoil/chaos - but the difference from last year is that I recognise the changes that are occurring and am just giving in to them - going with the flow - so still in that tornado but not fighting it or giving it any resistance - just surrendering to the whirlwind!!

So it's Tuesday night I go to Spain for a conference tomorrow - Buff! might be in turmoil - but still wonderfully blessed and happy!!!

So.... not in an easy place ... but not a bad place, exciting, alive... out of my control - but life is never in our control - it just is!!!

All change...

I had just got used to the idea of one future - playing with ideas and planning - when woooooosh all change!!

Great stuff this - living without fear - you can just do what your heart wants!! Am really excited about my future now as it has become really really unknown. Wow!!!

Am at the end of a beautiful Easter weekend, really peaceful and reflective. Ildi has been here and her presence in my life is very special - we have just talked and talked and talked!!!!! Oh and walked a lot.... eaten lovely food.... slept well and talked and talked!!

Had a lovely houseful last night for a big roast dinner - my favourite thing - 11 of us round the table, the heart of my home, eating, laughing and enjoying ourselves - all the boys clearing and washing up!

Rob had been up to the NE and brought with him the presence of dear friends - who said they read my blogg - which made me so happy.

Glowing in happiness here - in my bed, ipod playing Jimmy's music, cup of wonderful dutch flower tea, sweeten with Indian honey - writing my blogg and thinking with so much love and affection for the wonderful people in my life - some of whom I know read my blogg - so accept my love as it's directed at you!!!

Wow - just feeling so good about my life... isn't life amazing!!!

losing fear....

... fear is something I've been thinking about a lot recently and how it is such a huge negative emotion that stops so much from happening.

I'm in my bed on a glorious sunny Saturday morning - the sun streaming through my wide open window - OK I do have the coldest bedroom - it's official! Having breakfast in bed with all my favourite things, freshly juiced fruit with home made yogurt - my own Indian Lassy! Some beautiful bread that Rob had bought for me - not certain about the pickled eggs though Rob! and an avocado pear - the joy of being on your own that you can eat what you like, when you like and how you like!!!

Listening to my ipod music - which has just started to play Percy Sledge's 'When a man love a woman' - wow always one of my all time favourites - unconditional love - wow - love it!!

Enjoying my own company and thinking about fear - and unconditional love - strong link there.

Last night I returned from London after a few days. I spoke at two conferences and both times I reflected on fear - I hadn't realised this until I was sent a press release yesterday evening - which focused on that part of my presentation. I then realised that I had also reflected a lot on fear during the questions of my second presentation. That was a very international audience and was a wonderful session - I learnt so much from doing it. We talked of fear of ourselves, fear of others and the fear of the unknown.

Fear cripples, destroys and stops us living life to the full but fear is something that we learn.

I sat on the bus in London yesterday laughing with a baby girl in a buggy, her lack of fear and joy of life - made me laugh with her then and the memory makes my heart warm now... the joy of a child's laugh.

We teach our children fear.....

Whilst I was in London I also spent time with two lovely people. Part of my new world of friends - Spirithorse friends. With both of them I reflected on unconditional love - and how you can only give it when you can receive it.

I have been so blessed in my life to have been so loved - and to be so loved - but perhaps this is because I have been able to give love - bit a catch 22 here. It is also so closely linked to fear - if you're fearful you can't give love or receive it.

So the title of this blogg should be ....losing fear..... and finding love!!

Well Percy Sledge has been on continuous loop for the duration of this blogg - time now to change the tune and eat my breakfast. Wow life is such a joy - great stuff this unconditional love!!!!

Emotional roller coasters.....

...are extreme.

I'm in London today for two conferences staying at Ildi's - we went deep last night as we reflected on India and where we are now.

Not certain if emotional roller coaster is the right way of describing it - because it's not actually my emotions that are in turmoil. It feels like all of me - physical, mental, spiritual and emotional - the whole lot is twisting and turning, trying its best to make sense!

Maybe that's the problem - 'trying to make sense' of it all!

I'm not unhappy - quite the reverse - I am very happy, always happy. It's - I'm not certain what - I do have a strong sense of urgency - but again am not certain quite what I have this urgency to do!


If only life was as simple as sitting in bliss with an elephant.... but hey may be it is!!!!!!!!!