I am now a grandmother!

My teeny tiny little granddaughter Alba was born last Sunday.

She weighed in just over 2 1/2 pounds - 1.225 kg, the smallest baby that I have ever seen.

She was born at 33 weeks and five days, Lara had a Caesarean because the baby was not growing properly.

So a rather fraught weekend. It ended up as a really intense but a really special weekend.

Rob was home for Neil's funeral, and it felt very good that he was home. We ended up spending the Sunday afternoon with Pat and Nita - waiting to hear from Alex, knowing that the baby was being born that afternoon, and being very close, planning the details of the funeral and reminiscing, telling stories - a very special afternoon. Then we heard that the baby had been born and that everyone was okay.

The funeral was on the Monday, it sound strange to say - but it was an excellent -  really special -  I went to Paris on the Wednesday and have been there since, but tonight I am in Milan, on my way tomorrow to Medellin.

This blog is a bit  - all over the place - I tried to think  of another way of saying it: basically I think it is reflecting an amazing, emotional and special week.

Feeling very tired - and coming to the realisation that I am a grandmother1

Being on my own in Japan.....

...... has been a very strange and interesting place to be!

Lots of levels to this, there is Japan - which has been really extraordinarily, I didn't know what to expect, and have been very surprised and very impressed, and also connected ( like you do - but it is different - but the the same!).

Differences and similarities - I suppose maybe because I have travelled so much - or maybe this combined with being me - means that I can see differences and similarities -  bufffffff - I think I need to recognise that I can see stuff - and accept and be grateful - and then just get on with it!!!!!!

There is also the work, which has also been surprising, again that's about levels, I thought I would find a different level of thinking because it's at a global level, and I did but then I didn't.  I need to hold onto this thinking - to hold close to me for the times I lose confidence  - and feel nervous and presumptoius - when I should just recognise that actually I do know what I know - and that I can see!!!!

As I write - I can see that Japan is being very empowering for me - back to the accepting and being grateful and then just getting on with it! But I do need to recognise that it has also been lonely - being here on my own.

..... so finally being on my own in Japan - has made me very conscious of the reality of being on my own. Which of course I am - not in a relationship, soon not to be living in my own home, not having family around me, not often socialising with people who live close to me  - basically being ON MY OWN - which of course I am - Wow - how many times do I need to write the same stuff - and then to just recognise and accept this.

On my own yet not - whilst I have been here I have connected and linked with many via technology - even my Mum a couple of times - so I suppose it is the physical connection that is missing - the connections are here........

OK - so Japan has been big for me......... and a time to step up - and of course the first step is to just 'be' - but currently I have just to 'be' in Japan!!!!

So my learning here - is about being me - and to just BE - and get on with the wonder of where that will take me.... hahahaha - could be anywhere!!!! So for the next couple of days it will be Japan - wonderfully bonkers - the way to live life!
xxxx

Death.... and how we live our lives - hindsight!

....  tonight I am very aware of a death,  though as I write I do not know if Neil has yet gone, though I do know it  will happen very shortly. 

Conversations tonight,  over the phone,  have been deep and profound. They have also ranged over more than 40 years, and included other deaths -  and other reflections on our collective lifetimes. Lives woven together - sometimes a light weave and sometimes an intense complex weave. Lives, expectations, reality, choices, courage and fear - coping/not coping - guilt/acceptance - the stuff of life - the blessing of life,  the harshness of life... the meaning of life.................

It is a beautiful gift to have this kind of conversation, ranging through so much and made so poignant by the imminent death of Neil. His life  has been triumphantly poignant. Aspects of it so hard, yet aspects of it so amazingly full of love ... as to take your breath away.

I want to write something profound, but don't think I am able to - but I do want to acknowledge how grateful I am for the amazing people in my life...... bufffffffff