Exhausted...

.... which is not surprising - also full of cold - came on yesterday - back home and it feels like the sleeping sickness of two weeks ago is back! Went to work but got Robbie to pick me up at lunch time and then I have just slept - he's staying here cos there is no electricity or water in his house - and he has made me chicken noodle soup and been very attentive - which I have been very appreciative of - when awake!!!

Well - last week in the Valley of Dreams - with Spirithorse has been absolutely amazing - and the reason I'm so exhausted is I didn't want to miss a precious second of it - so haven't slept more than a couple of hours a night for a few days. So know I must sleep this off and get back to work properly as I have a lot to do - with deadlines looming.

Spirithorse is going through a period of transition and there was much discussion and recognition of changes occurring. Although I have not been involved for so long - less than two years - I am very much part of the community/family - and that is truly extra-ordinary. Also the times when I meet Spirithorse folk are also extra-ordinary - EIs, Cauldron of Plenty, India - so no half measure or chit chat - straight to the heart and truthful speaking - fierce searching and pure truth. - a heady combination. Also so much fun!!!

Hours of wild dancing for several nights followed by early morning breakfast crewing - and working on the bucket chain to bring slate up to floor the Women's Lodge - has left me in a different place - a beautiful place - but a pretty knackered place!!

Good few days..

Though I have been in a strange place, sleeping hours everyday, waking up and being quite lucid, working for a couple of hours and then drifting off again. Love my new bed - we have really bonded!

In one of the books I read whilst away, the author discussed the three states of existence: Acceptance, Enjoyment and Enthusiasm - and when you are Present you are in one of these. So from the minute I realised I wasn't well - I actively tried to Accept it - and then that did lead, at times, to a state of Enjoyment - can't say I enjoyed the stomach cramps - but as I was trying to listen closely to my body - in a strange way I did! So won't say I am in a state of Enthusiasm for gastroenteritis but I have certainly Accepted being unwell and Enjoyed aspects of it - like my new bed - like being still - like accepting that the work will get done.....

So have decided to stay at home again today - am feeling a lot better but still quite fragile - have started to eat but only small amounts - but can hear my body saying - let's just take it gently Trish!!!

China was really the final leg of a whirlwind few months - very physically demanding as well as a roller-coaster of emotion, change and activity. Looking back I Accepted what was happening pretty well, Enjoyed most of it and was definitely Enthusiastic about parts of it! But roller-coasters have dips as well as peaks and they are important too - as these were the points where I went down and the only way out was to recognise and to feel from my core - gratitude for this life that I have been blessed with.

Teachers have helped and I love the Teachers in my life - and there are so many of them - I am increasingly seeing this - and yesterday when talking to someone - in Hong Kong - like you do! - I said 'Parents learn more from their children than they teach them.' And it was a beautiful moment - as both of us stopped - and from my perspective as a parent and his as a son - the world changed.

But apart from learning from my beautiful sons I am also learning so much from so many people and things around me - including this gastroenteritis bug!! I suppose I am consciously looking for teachers and am open to learning - and using time - like writing this blogg to recognise what I have learnt.

Wow wow wow - I just live in such an amazing world - we all do - learning is about being open - and being open is about being happy - and happiness comes through Accepting what we have, Enjoying what we have and being Enthusiastic for what we have - which cannot occur without total gratitude for what we have! Lucky lucky us!!!

..... and today four young men move into Cheltenham Avenue - my once family home......

Not well!!!!

I obviously picked up something - somewhere on my travels and after a period of time in denial - I have accepted that my body has to be given the time and rest to fight it!

Never have done 'not well' with any grace - Chris used to say I was an awful patient - and I can see why now - I fight my body rather than accepting that it just needs time to get better.

Went into work but left early afternoon as I finally accepted how rough I felt and I could also feel myself falling asleep. Back home I have been drifting in and out of sleep in a strange world. I had been popping Imodium for several days but last night found my homeopathic kit - I'd got for India- and took something - read the instructions carefully which said only take a second one if your body does not feel it is improving. so even though I felt rough all day I felt I was improving - but this evening I took a second one!!

Time to drift away again....................

Back from China.... and what time is it???????

... nearly 6.30 in the morning - so clearly time to cook and eat a huge breakfast from the strange things in my fridge and freezer and then blogg - well I have been awake for over three hours - and finally given up on sleep!!!

Jet lack combined with a buzzing brain is just not conducive for sleep - I was also ridiculously hungry!!

Rob picked me up and I got home 9.30ish last night - luggage to follow - my flight had spent 2 hours on the runway of Pudong airport, before an 11 hour flight and a mad dash across Schiphol - but hurray I'm home - somewhat spaced out - but joyful at being back in my beautiful little flat.

Well - what can I say about China......... well absolutely amazing will do for a start....... and absolutely amazing for a second and a third and wooooooow - it was amazing, I had a fantastic time, learnt so much, completely shifted my whole perspective on... well everything really.... yes - so a pretty huge learning journey!

OK - I did work - am now officially the Director of an International Centre for Excellence which was launched in the World Expo, Shanghai - that's pretty damn cool!! It was also a bit nerve-wracking - organising an event - so far away with a completely unknown audience etc etc - was actually brilliant - I had great support and my fellow speakers were fantastic and it all went very well, including being on Chinese telly. Like all these things - it is what they are perceived as - is actually more important than what they were - so the Centre has now been officially launched and this fact has now gone into the annals of history.

The rest of the time I took part in other University events and just had a huge opportunity to think and to talk and to reflect on my work from the other side of the world. In one of the books I read - I was going to look for quote but still in an airport somewhere in my bag! - the author talked about travel and being out of 'normality' having an accelerating effect on embracing change and all that goes along with that. I've known this for a long time - I think - and I always say to the TRiO students you learn more about yourself and where you've come from whilst you're in Liverpool than actually about Liverpool. But being in China I was very conscious of the process - that might also just be where I am - increasingly conscious of the process of change as I embrace it.

I also spent some great times with friends and colleagues, old and new - the all you can drink cocktail happy hour (2 hours) on the 40th floor of the Marriott - with the most stunning view of Peoples Park and central Shanghai was well used!!!! I also went dancing twice in nightclubs - one on the night of the launch - when I was as high as a kite and dressed in one of my Indian outfits, which later on I realised people thought was Chinese National Dress!!! So the newly launched Directora had an amazing few hours dancing on a third tier podium, with anyone who would dance with me, or just on my own, in Chinese National Dress, in a huge techno club, no-one batted an eye and I had a ball!!!!!!!!

So back to Liverpool - wonderful - grateful and happy - looking forward to seeing and talking to friends and family - and yes maybe some sleep sometime would be nice - I'm tempted to go for a run round the park - but think on top of such a big breakfast I'd be pushing it - so maybe back to bed!!

In Hong Kong!!!

Wow - feeling quite amazed by the whole place!

Mind only arrive this afternoon - but I've walked miles - through markets, streets and to the waterfront - I've been measured for a top and skirt and go for a fitting tomorrow for delivery on Monday, bought a camera from a funny little back street shop, taken some pretty awful picture, been absolutely bowled over by the view from the waterfront of Hong Kong island - at night - wow - amazing - had prawn dumplings and am now drinking Belgium beer - given to me by my two companions of last night - who made a long flight a lot of fun - I also managed to get put in the best seat in the plane - and we talked, drank wine, laughed and slept and had a great flight! Staying in a completely bizarre hotel and having a ball - ought to feel sleepy as it's nearly midnight here but my body clock is several hours behind!

So nothing new then - bufff - I am such an amazingly blessed person - to be here - to be making connections all the time - Friday morning before I left was also full of very strong Australian connections - and now when I see them - I do just go straight into connect mode and go pretty deep, very quickly - only way to be!

So hope the Belgium beer makes sleepy - but actually feeling very buzzy and happy - wow wow wow!!!!!!!!!!!

new bed and table

Three lovely firsts!!

First first! - am writing this sitting at my beautiful new table - made for me out of 150 year old oak - recycled beams! It is just stunningly beautiful - circular but with the two sides dropping down - really wonderful!

Second first - just been camping at Amanda and Gareth's - in my new bell tent - which is just amazing - I can stand up in it - and it even has a candelabra of different coloured glasses for tea lights - it also really easy to erect and get down and is slightly pink in colour - and I have fallen in love with it.

.... and third first - tonight I sleep in my new amazing bed - which also arrived on Friday - it is made from recycled wood - but only 100 year old oak! They were made in Yorkshire by a guy called Stuart and it is very special to have new furniture - that has been made exactly to my specifications and just for me - so very very pleased with this.

The weekend has been lovely - not sure quite how to describe it - but a weekend of friendship, feasting and joy - sort of sums it up!! All new friends in the sense that they are part of my new life - but feel very close to many of them and really value their presence in my life - they are just wonderful people - open, non judgemental and great fun - with a passion for dressing up!!! I wore some of my Indian clothes - have decided to take them to wear in China.

Wow - I'm going to Hong Kong on Friday - and then will be in China for a couple of weeks - buffff - another first - so many beautiful firsts and another euphoric blogg!!

hard evening.........

........sometimes life is hard ... even when you are a wonderfully blessed, happy and open person - aka transformed Tricia (Alegra) .... sometimes it is still very hard.

Had a really hard night ... not sure why.. probably the move and being the other side of so much change - finally hitting home - also reflected tonight on the night Chris died - triggered by something - and recalling and remembering that night ....and then talking that through with a lovely person - thank you...

Bufff - lots of stuff there!!

Okay - recognition of the fact that I am a wonderfully blessed, happy and open person - is just amazing - cos I haven't always been that person - bufff!!

Also am proud of the way we - as a family - me and the boys - how we were there for Chris's death - I'm proud of the way we did that - we were there - wonderfully there - for that last awful night, as he breathed his last - before dying......... bufff I am so proud of us - we did that so well!!

Then where am I now? - last night an unknown dancer asked me if something had happened to me yesterday - because I had danced so full of happiness - but I had just danced!! .........and intrigued by his question I asked other dancers - and apparently I dance with 'childlike happiness' - another big bufff here - cos I know I am myself when I dance - and I know I am very free and open when I dance - and I think they may be right- but I just dance!!!!!

OK so I recognise that I can be so happy - for example when I'm dancing - but also can go where I've been tonight which was pretty hard ...but I suppose that's what life is all about and the wonderful resistance of us - human beings - aren't we just amazing!!!!!!!!!!

back home...

... and it's feeling like home..... arrived lateish last evening after a lovely day in Vienna with Chris, Karoline and Deonne and then uncomplicated travel - though my suitcase has yet to arrive - but hopefully later today - which of course has within in a very large jar of honey - which I bought off a woman in the street in the middle of Friday night - it was one of those nights!!! It was one of those few days - magic!!!!!!

Talking to Karoline yesterday - about how we will be working/being together for at least the next 4 and a half years - friendship of course - but in many ways beyond that - my Viennese family - and it goes well beyond me - seeing Deonne in Vienna - watching her join - and I connected very strongly with Sonia and re-connected with others. We share a passion - I think that what connects us - and those who don't - who stand and watch us - can see our shared passion - as it whirls and twirls around us - the energy and joy of being together - whoooooo!

It was also amazing to be part of KinderUni 2010 - I learnt so much from doing that - I would have done my powerpoint completely differently - but that's good cos I now know what to do. What I can see clearly is that I really really want to do that again - with bigger groups of children. I have agreed to do it in Poland and again to a bigger group in Vienna - need to think through language - but I think with lots of pictures and key aspects translated and with someone to translate questions - it can be done with children who only have 2/3 years of English - wow aren't children just absolutely amazing.

The opportunity to spend time - like that with children - was just so good for me - and the whole big project - which of course is called 'Children as Change Agents' - this has yet to find a good German translation - but a child somewhere will come up with a good one soon!

Wonderful trip has filled me with energy - and this week my bed and table will arrive - made especially for me by Stuart - in an old mill in Yorkshire - the table has been made out of 140 year old wood - I'm so excited to see it - but hey I'm just so excited about life!!!!!!!!!!!

Being in Vienna

Just arrived after a long day of delayed and missed flights - but actually it worked well as I sorted out my presentation - which I have had translated into German and then, helped by Deonne, really thought through one of the last big questions I needed to answer re the EU project. I think so much better when I'm talking - well I can think on my own - but I really get so much out of having someone to bounce ideas off.

I was thinking about this on the second flight - about having a 'shared task' - it links back to connections.

A connection is just that a connection - BUT when a connection is joined by a 'shared task'/working together - it becomes an amazing opportuntity for creativity - (if it is allowed to) - BUT creativity itself doesn't go anywhere - but when ideas/creativity get put into action/motion they then become innovation - and that does change the world!!!!

I was also reading Paulo Coelho on the plane and in particular one thing that struck me: Seize every opportunity that life offers you because, when opportunities go, they take a long time to come back. Struck home to me that I have been living by this for quite a few years - probably consciously from 2000 - and that it is really important - not just for me the individual - but for the bigger plan of things - and that I have been seizing every opportunity that I am given - even tough ones like losing Chris - but seizing all opportunities with two hands, love and an open heart - and the more that I do this - the more opportunities I get offered!!!

Am excited about being in Vienna - because have had some of my best thinking with the Viennese recently - I just love it when I'm buzzing with ideas - and I am so privaleged to be me - surrounded by wonderful people - making connections both with work and friends - and seeing those connections bear fruit as creative ideas which then make things happen - like Hector going to India!!

It's quite late here - but not so late in UK and I'm wide awake - but how lucky am I am to be here - or to put it in another way to have been creative and made the most of the chance connections that I've made!!! Way to live!!

First full weekend in new flat.....

Could not have been better - 2 parties and a day of dancing!!

Feels like a bit of an oasis from work - which is very full on at the moment - the combination of launching the new Centre in Shanghai and negotiating a massive European project - crazy - but wonderfully crazy - but I can only do my best - so that's I am doing that - my best!

So first full weekend in new flat - was lovely - I am beginning to love this flat - went back to the house yesterday - which I was actually not looking forward to - but once there it was good - the house is a bit lonely cos it's not got tenants - but they will come.

But lovely weekend full of people - special people, some in my life - all their lifetimes like Sam and Jess - wonderful to see them - and also some new people - Hector's party and dancers.

Dancing all day - has left me wonderfully joyful. Andrew Holmes is an amazing teacher - and to dance deep, with like minded people - is just a room alive with dancers - energy and connections!!!!

Thinking a lot about connections at the moment - because they are very strong for me - have decided that all the connections - I have both old and new - have two important aspects - complete lack of expectations and absolutely no obligation.

Love this - I am increasingly connecting with more and more people - and I just do that - but I have no expectation that they will 'do'/'bring' anything into my life - they have to just be cherished for what they are - a connection.

The second aspect is a complete lack of obligation - people are not in my life because of what I will do for them - or what they will do for me - they are in my life because they are........ a connection.

....... and I just love them all - the ones that have been in my life for years and the new ones!!!!

Happy day today...... also used the name Alegra first time in public!!

buzzing!!!

It's late but I'm no where near sleeping - even though I have to be up early tomorrow - because I am just buzzing with energy!!

Just been out with this year's TRiO students - I was full of what my boys would call 'old hippy stuff' but got a real buzz from it! Tonight I also had a lovely long conversation - thanks to my free 300 minutes a month anywhere around the world phone deal! - with Bobbye in Houston - she was one of the very first group of Black Roots students - in 1998 and we have become good friends over the years.

Making and treasuring connections - which of course is what it is all about! Some individuals are wonderfully open and I got so much from talking with them - others more hesitant and though they seek - are locked in their own cage of thoughts unable to really engage with me - especially when I'm happily serene and more than a bit bonkers - but I also got so much from those conversations too! Had a bit of a dance and some excellent spicy chicken - so a really lovely night out - lots and lots of work tomorrow - starting with a very early call to Shanghai - ok - time for bed!

Wonderful sons!

Rob came round for tea tonight - and we talked about his future plans - which was great - and after he left I thought about how the changes I have been going through must have had an impact on my boys - and how brilliant they have been!!

If Chris hadn't of died - I would probably have been very similar to what I was 4 years ago - sensible married woman, wife and mother - not the very different woman that is their mother today.

This thinner, blonder, wilder woman, lives the life of a single woman, a dancer with different friends, more spiritually aware and much more open to everything - including seizing every wonderful new opportunity that passes her way - etc - wow way to live and loving it!!!

But from my sons point of view this really cannot have been easy for them - mothers are just not supposed to have so much fun!!! But they have just been so wonderful coping with me - really supporting me - for example when I decided to move out of the house - they never once said 'Are you sure about this Mum?' They just said 'If it's what you want - we'll help you do it.' And they have - every step of the way.

Just had an email from Jim - he's in Ljubljana - one of my favourite cities with some mates - going onto Varazdin - which will be great - amazing how that city is part of my life - Alex is in Cambridge - moved in with Lara - his plan to move back to Liverpool being thwarted by the fact that there was no house to move back too! And Rob leaving his job in 11 days time and then a whole new life to lead - my three boys are also going through big changes.

But I think we all are - our world is changing so fast - and we must all embrace changes or be suffocated by them - I increasingly think that most important thing we can teach our children is how to embrace and love change - they will be the survivors.....

in my new home....

... is still a bit strange - I suppose because I've moved but not actually lived here for the majority of time I've moved out of Cheltenham Avenue - and then there is just so much happening in my life!!!

I also don't feel that I've actually left Cheltenham Avenue - I suppose that will grow on me as I come back here - from work - nights out - being away - the shops - just normal stuff - living - so I guess when it hits me that I actually live here - I will realise that I no longer live there!!! Well it makes sense to me.....

Still so much stuff to do - the 21st century slug trail of addresses and links which need to be moved and tidied - how many things have my address on them - passport, driving licence etc etc.....

My old email address was also closed today - just stuff - but stuff that needs to be sorted!!

Got my Internet working - achievement - hence blogg - which is good - not yet sorted out the washing machine - though a trip to Tescos has meant that I have food in the house - and great new phone package means I can talk to people around the world - 300 free minutes a month - just talked to Rene - so have started!!!!

People in my life

I have been here in Vilnius at a really good conference - I haven't seen the old town yet - but today I am having a day on my own - so I will walk and walk - which will be good - as for the last three days I have been sitting at the conference - though I did dance last night at an amazing event in a medieval castle on an island. Our Lithuanian hosts have been absolutely fantastic and it has been a wonderful conference in terms of hospitality - also in terms of content - and also having the F7 bid meant I was having different conversations with people - and they were also very productive and exciting!

Wow, wow, wow I am just so blessed!!!

This is an international conference and we had come from 62 countries – but I have heard things and met people – with whom I have connected to in an extra-ordinary way. I think this is because I am increasingly open to people and am also concentrating and focusing on what people are saying – and behind what they are saying. I am beginning to also ‘push’ the connections – when I meet someone I connect with – I just jump straight in!!!

I suppose this is what I have been doing all my life – but propelled by a real sense of urgency and an increased sense of consciousness – I am living my life quite differently. One of the major things is a lack of expectation – when I connect with people it is not for anything – it just is!

As Jackie Coleman said to me last year in Houston – everyone is in your life ‘for a reason and a season.’ The important thing of this is that the others are in MY life. I am obviously in a lot of other people’s lives – dear blogg readers including yours - but that’s not my priority.

I am becoming clearer that I have to ensure that I maximise the ‘reason and the season’ that every single person is in my life i.e. for me to really appreciate and treasure the time that I have with all the many people in my life. I don’t think I can see the reasons why they are in my life – but I do feel I have a really duty to cherish the fact that they are in my life – I am just so so blessed and to recognise this, and to appreciate this, is very very important.

So a day off in Vilnius – the sun is shining and it looks a perfect day - then tomorrow meetings in the morning then off to Brussels and lots and lots of work - wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moved!!!

It was a wonderful ceremony and a great party - and I have MOVED!!!!

I feel like a little girl playing 'house' in my new flat - it is just so lovely!! I feel so grateful for all my wonderful friends and family who have helped me so much over the last few weeks - crazy, crazy weeks.

Looking back - how did I manage to do all that sorting and moving, all that work stuff and have a date with a nice Italian man, in such short period of time!!!

One more night in this house......

Woke up this morning reflecting on the years I have slept in this bed - in this room, in this house. Thought about sleeping with my beautiful Chris for all those years and about three little baby boys cuddling in with us. Writing this has made me fill up with emotion.

Wonderful years, happy years, full of love, babies, little boys, dogs, so many friends, so much laughter, joy and happiness...... my lucky life in this lovely house.

I am so pleased that Kirsty is going to ceremonially enable me to say a proper farewell and thanks to this house. I want to thank it for being the place where I and my family have lived for these decades. It has been a wonderful home and we have loved it and it has been filled with warmth and our laughter, ooh and the odd tear and tantrum!! For years Chris and I used to have an argument every Saturday morning!! So the house has been full of life - breathing, beautiful life - and for the last three years it has felt our deep sadness and been my shelter whilst I have been getting ready to leave this stage of my life.

So here I am - ready to leave - and feeling ready - a busy day at work - I am beginning to understand the amount of work involved in coordinating this massive project - so excited about that too.

Ceremony at 8 - party at 9 - dancing till dawn then move!!!

Something profound is happening here...

This morning I meditated and went somewhere new...... and it was extraordinarily beautiful.

I try to meditate most morning, giving myself the time and space to go inside myself and to find peace and joy. But this morning, with Rene on the bed behind me, I went to somewhere new, deeper and even more glorious.

I felt that I wanted to record this so am putting it on my blogg.

Rene and Margaret have gone to the conference and I will shortly join my Austrian family to continue working on the F7 proposal – yesterday they gave me a fridge magnet which says:

Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.
Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.
Albert Camus

Which as the Coordinator of the whole project I think is good advice!

So am in Stockholm walking with my friends....... wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Being in Stockholm

Is just lovely - arrived last night with Margaret after a long week at work - finally got the letter of confirmation re the F7 bid at Friday lunchtime - that's such an amazing thing - it just changes so much - I think I put on my blogg a few months ago - if funded - my life changes - and if not my life changes - but I'm now the other side of the euphoria of the news and looking at what this will actually mean - and it means a lot of change!!!

To start with it changes my relationship with a lot of people and I am really starting to think through what this means. But and it is an amazing but - most of the partners in the bid are already part of my life and this just enables these relationship to extend and deepen.

As I write Rene sleeps - she arrived this morning from Washington and we had a wonderful lunch and tonight Harri arrives and tomorrow the Croatians and the Austrians, dear, dear friends as well as wonderful colleagues. And then a lot of other people from Monday... wow I am just so amazingly blessed. There are so many amazing people in my life – but all people are amazing – I think the thing is being open – being open to the amazingness of people and them being open to themselves!!!

So my life has changed again – another doorway has opened and I’m standing at the threshold and feel ready to go through. I recognise that going through will change me and I cannot see past the threshold, but that’s fine, my future is unknown – and in the unknown anything is possible!

And yesterday I went back to a complete stranger, very nice Italian man I had been chatting too, and gave him my email address and asked him for his!!! Wow – never done anything like that before – but who knows what any small action will lead to!!

So I will focus and appreciate the small things and look for happiness in all I do and surrounded by love, walk through the into my unknown future – wow wow wow – way to live!!!!!!!!!!!!!

camping!!

It did seem to be quite a strange thing to be doing so close to moving - but it was just amazingly perfect to go camping for the weekend!! And it was a perfect weekend.... I kept hearing the Lou Reed song 'Perfect Day' going through my head - and I can't believe it was actually a weekend because it felt so much longer!!!

It was just so good to be outdoors, uncomplicated and fun - never been there before - but I loved Shell Island - and I just loved the whole outdoors bit - lovely company including a dog Minnie - and oh yes the uncomplicated and fun bits were also excellent!!

Coming home to a pretty nearly 'sorted' house was also good - still got several evenings of 'sorting' to go but I have just done so much - to think that at Easter I hadn't even thought about moving at all - and all going to plan - I will have moved in two weeks time - that's pretty cool!! I will also be going to Stockholm this week - getting home for one night - then leaving party then move!!!!

Wow wow wow - just love this change - recognising that it's pretty accelerated but just enjoying the ride..............