trains home..

..... am on train home from London after dinner with very special group of people - after day conference on Aimhigher legacy - surprised how emotional I feel tonight - but glad I am here and feeling this..... it has been in many ways the last 12 years of my life!!! I was so glad that I was there today - it was such a combination of legacy and future.... real people now living on the edge ..... loved the fearlessness!!

So am on train on way home - listening to loud music on headphones - Mogwai - revelling in the technology - how cool is it to be on a train, writing a blogg on an ipad - just love the technology - I also just love the passion of today - some people have it - but there are also some people in this world who just don't have passion - who at the bottom level actually don't care enough about others, or themselves to be able to give anything - wow that is the hardest thing have ever said or written - about others - but felt I had to say it - buffff!

buzzing in Brussels - but gently!

Am in Brussels and feeling really good - it's Sunday evening and I have just had dinner with two wonderful young people and tomorrow we will spend a day working on Work Package 7 - that sounds boring - but the reality is just huge - and tonight we had a great conversation, sweeping and soaring and seeing opportunities - just love it - and it's my job!!!

Full on weekend really - I was up for 22 hours yesterday - very early start to run Jim to the airport - he's in Quebec now - then cooking for my Mum and Dad in the morning - loved that - afternoon with Paul and Sue - love them - visiting Pat - hard place but she's a fighter - then get changed and went to the Everyman Last Night Party - it was great - special for so many people - lots of wonderful connections and lots and lots and lots of dancing - just going for it dancing - great music - fantastic atmosphere - loads of sweaty bodies - dancing - fantastic - enjoyed it so much - thank you Vanessa I was thinking I was too tired but you got me there and I had such an amazing night.

So did nothing today but come back to earth and then flew to Brussels...... like you do....

The connections are accelerating - talking tonight about writing the bid - less than 2 years ago - but the ability to connect has already changed - we just have to see the doors that are open and walk through them - and that includes the doors that the technology opens for us - having no fear just walking through the door that is open in front of us - hey that's what it's all about!!!!!

clouds.........

Love it - thought I'd blogg about the fairly busy stuff happening at the moment in my life - hospital visiting etc and so much momentum at work with things to do etc..... and I write 'Clouds' as the title to this blogg!

OK - I am at the moment quite obsessed by the beauty of clouds - their colours, shapes, constant movement - they epitomise change - completely un-holdable - you cannot ever touch a cloud - they are just mist - but they are also just so solid in the sky. Their movement, beautiful shapes and colours - the light reflecting within, behind and around them - the way that light beams from and through them - just amazing!!!! OK I just love clouds!

Back to reality - Pat in hospital after a stroke last night - visiting her tonight - witnessing her fear - also knowing she should make a good recovery - 47 is young to be where she is....

Talking to my Mum on the phone - home but not happy - well emotional - and coming to terms with her next steps - wow - she's alive.... she fought so hard to be home - But she just doesn't want to be a 91 year old recovering from major surgery - home with her lovely old man - she is just so young at heart and she just wants to be YOUNG!! She is just not good at being old - and her youthfulness is inspirational - and she has all the impatience of the young - absolutely wonderful.

I don't feel young tonght - I actually feel quite old and tired - physically and also deep inside myself - but that's OK and it doesn't feel heavy - it feels right - so that's where I am.... it's still light so I will just watch some more of those amazing clouds and listen to my latest Jim music present - and it's not only OK it's wonderful.........

feeling many things.....

..... it's Monday evening and I've been dancing - for the first time for 3 weeks - I have so missed it - tonight in the warm up I was just so full of energy I couldn't do anything but dance! Then loved the flowing wave and went deep - and let go - which was what I needed - it has been a pretty tough few weeks - great weeks but tough.

Tonight my sister Jenny texted me to say Mum should be going home on Wednesday - which is pretty impressive - they talked about 2/3 weeks convalescence - but all being well it will be less than 1 week.

Witnessing my parents life over the last few weeks has been truly inspirational. I'm feeling very emotional tonight - the dance and thinking about my Mum and Dad - visiting them both on Saturday - and the love they have for each other - they met and married 66/65 years ago.... and the last three weeks has been so hard for them both - but it has also brought them more alive and conscious of their love for each other ...... in a way that is truly inspirational - can't think of another word......

Yes so tonight - after dancing - I have eventually stopped moving - I also received a little video from Rob for his Nan from Croatia, just perfect - Alex made one of Grenoble yesterday - his hostel, views of the city and an ice cream - this came about because I made videos of my parents house and my Dad for my Mum on Saturday - and then made a little video of my Mum for my boys - everyone a tearjerker!

So am home - my lovely Mum in hospital but fighting it beautifully - so strong - with such a will to live - my lovely Dad - coming back from his indifference to live - my sisters doing so much more than me - but also accepting that. So back to my mantra - how extraordinarily lucky am I!!!!!!!

wonderfully, deliciously and amazingly exhausted but totally energised!!!!!!

which is pretty mad..... but also where I am - after a week away - and just the most fantastic time...... the very best bit was the meeting of minds... and we did just that - and it was mind blowing!!!!

It was also exhausting - I suppose I could have gone to bed earlier and got up later, and I suppose I could have not put quite so much energy and enthusiasm into everything I did - but hey it was important and good work and I was with such amazing people.... I reflected on them in the airport tonight, on my way home, and felt such a huge wave of gratitude for the truly amazing and inspirational people that are in my life.

The SiS Catalyst Family and Friends are just so.............. open..... the connections went deep and strong..... and we have really begun to believe in what we are doing.... it was visible and tangible and just so so strong.....

It will be hard to explain what actually did happen but I like the concept of 'mind blowing' because that was what we did..... blow our own and each others minds! It was then followed by another conference which was rich with ideas but it did not have the pace and passion of SiS Catalyst - it was deliciously full of dear friends of many years and wonderful new people, connecting, connecting.... connecting...... I just so love this.

Home now, travel easy, catching up on my Mum's progress and my lovely Dad.. survivors.....

Work tomorrow so must go to bed... it's lovely to be home... and although I'm shattered I am also feeling very full of energy, sorting of glowing with it... can feel it coursing around my body... which is a bit strange but also pretty wonderful - buff I do think I am more than a bit bonkers!!!!!

Should be in bed but mind reeling.........

It's late and I'm off to Amsterdam tomorrow, haven't packed and will have a very busy few days...... but am trying to get myself to move to bed and an early start to pack...... but it doesn't seem to be happening!

Tonight I visited my lovely Dad, at home alone, though good, more awake than he's been for several months....and then my lovely Mum in the intensive care ward after her operation of last night. She had major surgery yesterday evening, and survived...... she is currently healing well ..... but it's early days.

Buffff!!!!!! Big stuff this life and death drama of existence..... felt so powerfully the point of being alive tonight... to feel the joy of loving the presence of my wonderful parents in my life... to have them, and their love for each other, as well as their love for me and all their family.......... but also so keenly conscious of the 'edge' between joy/grief... and reflecting on that - this is what life is all about!

So.... it is very late - I have a very, very busy few days ahead of me..... and am counting my many, many blessings xxxxxx

What I also learnt in Turkey.....

...... is that our eyes contain the energy of our Mother Earth.....

Well I've been to Turkey..................

................ and it was?????????

Well the words that make most sense are...heart warming...... and tonight at home - my heart is very warm/sensitive/open... and on reflection I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the intensity of the week.......

It was truly amazing though. I have never been to Turkey before and just loved how I connected to people - in an extra-ordinary way, and in many ways........... and not just once or twice, but again and again..... it was ... just that ... heart-warming - the more I do this - the more I connect with people, strangers, as well as colleagues and friends.. the more I love the connections I make, the joy of making things happen, recognising our creativity and our potential.... just connecting!

The conference in Ankara was just lovely - we were made so welcomed and the days and nights blend into a joyous memory of inspiration, happiness and amazing energy ... and dancing... truly magical... and it was good work.

Istanbul was different but also very special, a weekend on my own - in an amazing city, I am finding it hard to find words to describe how much I enjoyed it... it was a truly fantastical weekend - pretty bonkers but also pretty amazing. I feel I have learnt so much about myself this weekend... which sounds a bit weird - well not learnt - but consolidated thinking... like lots of things falling together like a jigsaw.. a lot of this is about me - and my intentions for the future.. which have been getting clearer for a while - it was like they all sort of settled inside me... recognising who I am.... going deeper and being totally honest with myself... and then just really being/living this person.. who by the way is pretty mind-blowing!

This intensity of love of life being magnified by my Mum going to hospital on Friday - and me being so far away but being kept informed... I called in on the way back from the airport and saw my Dad and will go with Jim to see my Mum tomorrow night - she was going to have to have an operation but it looks increasingly likely they can treat her without surgery. Which is good. My Dad today was amazing, he seems energised - his love for my Mother being his whole life.... and his pain that he wasn't able to use the phone on Friday because he is too deaf, when she needed to go to hospital.... and his comfort that my Mum had no pain when he visited her today, all giving him an increased reason/ability to live.... every second is precious when you are 94.............

Buff - this is life ... and sometimes it is so hard.. but also so beautifully preciously wonderful - my lovely Dad is so amazing.. he is home alone tonight.. my Mum in hospital... hard for both of them - on their own after a lifetime of sleeping together... he was so strong this afternoon.. inspirational.. all these thoughts adding to the Turkey wave of emotion!

So no conclusions here tonight... turmoil... but deep inside I am getting stronger...

Buffff that's what it's all about.

Camping.....

Every second of this wonderful life is precious.

It's Sunday evening and I have just come back from a wonderfully sunny and laughter filled weekend camping in Wales. Vanessa and I left work a bit early on Friday evening and drove down through North Wales to Snowdonia and the coast, to meet other lovely friends in Shell Island for a perfect weekend of camping. Lots of really special moments, a day on the beach, sea and sand framed by mountains, Minnie the dog on one and the funniest game of charades ever - adults acting out the rudest things that 8/9 year old girls could come up with!!!

So much laughter... but also time to talk, with special moments of deep conversations. The amazing joy of being in the countryside - the birds welcoming us awake and then serenading us at dusk, clear skies full of stars - with shooting stars - and the colours of the mountains with their many depths of green.... wonderful!

This evening of coming home, a beautiful deep bath and gentle domesticity..... I have been thinking about childhood.... something I have reflecting on a lot recently - talking tonight to my Mum........ my lovely Dad is now no longer wanting to eat, gently giving in to his tiredness..... I have been thinking a lot about his love for me, and how I accepted love as a natural part of my childhood...... increasingly recognising that so many people did not feel loved as children and how that is such a huge burden to carry around a lifetime of being an adult........

Increasingly understanding that the one thing we cannot control, change, take responsibility for............. is our childhood. We are born, where we are born, of the parents we are born of, into the family circumstances that we are born into...... and this then shapes us into who we are and this makes us the adults we become - so much learning.... and so much unlearning and remembering........ buffff!

Every second of this wonderful life is precious!!!!

back again - but from where?

....landing gently from ... not certain what... 10 days away from my life here... my lovely little flat, my work, all those emails.... from just being the organised working woman, daughter, mother etc.... though with the technology I kept in touch - with my lovely Dad being in hospital after the party, Rob getting home to Croatia, Jimmy being in Barcelona....... but I also had space and time to be away from all of it.... to just be me and to dance.... gloriously.

It wasn't easy dancing. If you dance deeply it is not all fun, you push yourself to go to the edge... and as I dance more and more deeply - and give myself the time to do so.... I do go to the edge... see it/feel it/dance it... and that's not an easy place to be... it is however a wonderful place to be...to go to the next layer of the onion skin..... to go to that point of duality. It can be many things - joy/grief .... sunshine/darkness .... acceptance/denial... faith/fear... the edge.... but to be there and to feel/see that you are there ... is amazing and that's where I've been..... dancing..... consciously breathing.... consciously alive - how lucky am I?

The week dancing was also wrapped up in a week of friendship, Fernando picking me up in Girona and taking me to Arlequi , then picking me up a week later for a weekend of football and barbecues with his friends, followed by a night in Barcelona with Ana and her family... wonderful... special and joyful... though after a week's dancing I was probably pretty glowing...

I also spoke a lot of Spanish, which was good as I have got very rusty without Hector....getting home today after a delayed flight for a reception event which is bringing me back into the world of work... though not there yet! I did do a first trawl of emails yesterday and tomorrow I will go back and be sensible... and be me... the sensible one with her feet on the ground... though I will be clearer in my intentions... that's what dancing does for you... makes thing clearer... if you let yourself go with it.... which I did!

So feeling wonderfully awake and a bit spaced at the same time...... looking at the colour of the sky - it's an amazingly beautiful turquoisey blue - heart singing, very happy... ready to be the other me again..... though she is pretty bonkers too!!!!

Beautiful birthday party...

... and my little Jim is now 21. We had a wonderful and very uncomplicated birthday BBQ at my Mum and Dad's house. Family, 4 generations of special people, 20 of us all together .... for completeness there should have been 21 of us - and writing that has made me think - something that I have been feeling all day - that there was someone missing..... and of course there was.... Chris... but also Heff and Michael..... missing but also present.

A lot of joy and happiness, little Aidan the most gorgeous centre of attention, easy laughter and joking, but also a consciousness of the preciousness of life - my lovely Dad getting frailer and frailer.... the missing ones................ but maybe that's how you should feel... joy and happiness in the present with a profound appreciation of the specialness of every moment of life......

So it's Saturday evening Alex's still here - out with his little brother partying, Rob now gone to London. I'm all packed up and ready to go to Spain very early tomorrow morning for a weeks dancing and breathing................ wow every second is precious.

Completely unexpected night...............

... though not certain why - because I should have known.. but I hadn't really thought about it - which on reflection is amazing..................

OK - tonight my 3 sons are in Liverpool - blogg readers know this is not going to just happen - as only one lives in Liverpool (though not with me) one lives in Croatia and one lives in Cambridge - though not for long as he is moving to France shortly - but the magic is - It just hadn't occurred to me that they could/would all be here tonight...................

The have now gone to the pub - and I am just so blessed to have these three beautiful young men in my life.

Wide awake and unable to sleep.......

It's Saturday night - well no Sunday morning now - and I just can't get to sleep .... and after trying for a couple of hours - I have given up and decided to write my blogg. I know why I can't sleep as I came back from a lovely, if somewhat boozy, afternoon at Nita's - the first of Jimmy's 21st Birthday celebrations - so well fed and very happy, I fell asleep in my rather comfortable reclining chair - so entirely my own fault.... but it's horrible when you can't sleep and things start whirling and worming their way into your brain.

So a mug of cocoa, music, lavender oil and my blogg.... will probably crash out mid sentence!

This time last year we had a barbecue in the garden of Cheltenham Avenue for Jim's birthday, with Rob living round the corner and Alex coming from Leeds. This year we will have a party at my Mum and Dad's - Rob's coming over from Croatia and Alex is coming up from Cambridge - his last visit before he moves to Grenoble with Lara...

Just looked back at my blogg of a year ago... right in the thick of moving.. so I have nearly lived here in this lovely little flat for a year.. I suppose it feels like a year... but it also has flashed by... like life I suppose... time seems so accelerated.....

My little baby Jimmy is also going to be 21 next Saturday.... he is an amazingly wonderful young man, now standing so very tall, wonderfully laid back and easy going... and happy... what more can a Mother ask for.... a joy.

Wasn't certain what I was going to write about - as I started this blogg because I couldn't sleep but writing that has made me think about where I've been today.... Nita's .... we started by going bowling with Neil's son and grandson, Pat, Jim, Nita and I..... and it was fun ...... we laughed a lot and then went back for a roast dinner, joined by Neil and his carer later in the afternoon. We talked families/friends/family and the importance of the connections... the beautiful little things which are done with love... sometimes not even noticed but truly the most important things in life.

Sometimes these little things build up over years to become huge sacrifices - like giving so much unselfishly and unstintingly.... I feel humbled by our human capacity to love unconditionally... I seem to see clearly tonight that if love is given with strings attached it isn't really given... so it can't be returned... but the sheer wonder of being able to love and to accept it in return is magical. Also makes me think how harsh it is for those who can't accept/give love.... that hurts, the closure, the closed heart that doesn't give love... so can never receive it....

So on that cheerful note - I'll try and go to sleep!!!

Clouds and ideas

Have just got back from Brussels after what seems like a very long few days...... meetings and a conference and all new people... well a handful that I've met briefly before but non that I know... so very on my own - which was OK ... and I did get to know some of them ... there was over 400 people there.... but some people I expect to meet again...... strange world this... meeting people, complete strangers, who have some point of contact/shared interest because we are at the same conference/meeting - some never to meet again - some to work with possibly closely, some to become friends.......

It was quite a hard few days actually, felt pretty much on my own... which of course I'm not... but having to make a complaint at a senior level about the pace of things... and presenting SiS Catalyst to a really diverse audience - officials from the EC who knew the project well - or knew of it - and the whole movement of thinking/funding/strategy behind it and a lots of science teachers from around Europe, all of whom are passionate about their subject and teaching - but know nothing about my agenda - all in 10 minutes with questions - pitching that was seriously not easy!!!

But the other thing that was going on was ideas, talking, thinking...... and some really, really good stuff........I love that ... just absolutely love it ... and when I hear myself thinking aloud - I am amazed by some off the things I say... and it's extraordinary as I can see myself having thoughts and verbalizing them - and know that this the start of the process which makes ideas real... So I can feel my mind whirling tonight.. with lots and lots of ideas - some of which are now beginning to take a firm shape.

I thought about this when I was flying home - and watching clouds - and I thought that clouds are just like ideas........................

Ok what I was thinking was - if you look at a cloud from the earth it looks really solid, dense, white/grey - obscuring the sun, taking shape and REAL.....but when you are in a cloud - it actually doesn't exist at all - it is just a white mist....

So I was thinking about how ideas are like clouds but in reverse! When you have an idea it is like a white mist - it's not clear - it doesn't have a shape - it's nebulous (cloudy or cloud like) but when you get at a distance from an idea you see that it is actually solid and real - and off they go!!!

Not certain how far the cloud/idea analogy goes but it gave me great pleasure coming home ... and stayed with me now I am back in my lovely flat.. bit knackered but ready to sleep on these whirling mists of ideas and see what comes out tomorrow - and then make them happen!!!!! That's what it's all about - making ideas reality - but it makes me mindful that we have to be careful as to exactly what ideas we create!

Walking...............

..... is amazing - but also just something that most of us just take so much for granted.

One of the joys of blogging is never knowing what you are going to write...... so where did that come from? Well............ I have just come back from a delicious weekend of walking in the Peak District with a group of 7 other women, one sister, one cousin and 5 friends - and it was just perfect.... the weather was unbelievably amazing - completely clear skies for 4 days in the UK!!!!!! Sunshine, strong winds and although a bit chilly (under-statement) on occasion - just amazingly sunny - wonderful walking weather. So we didn't climb serious mountains - but we did walk respectable distances - up and down - and this was more or less challenging for us individually ...and it was also wonderful.

......and it has left me reflecting on something very very basic - our ability to walk!!

OK - so walking...... most of us just take it so much for granted - we just put one foot in front of another - for what ever is normal in our lives - and for some of us, this may be miles each day - but for many of us it is from a house - to a car - to a work place - to a car - to the shops/home etc.... so not a lot of walking really.

But walking is a joy.... an absolute and amazing joy.......... but something that we just do without thinking about - I probably should have understood this earlier - as I lived with a man for so many years that couldn't walk any distance at all... but I don't think that I have really appreciated the enormity of how amazing the ability to walk is!!

... thinking about it - it obviously goes beyond our feet - to appreciating the wonder of our bodies... our ability to walk only being a tiny, tiny part of what else we can do! But I don't think we recognise this enough - we don't stop and say 'Thank-you' enough to this wonderful vehicle for our life ... our body. It is an absolutely amazing thing.. its ability to do things - like walking - day in and day out, one foot in front of another ..... without us even thinking about it - wow wow wow - amazing...... AND WE JUST TAKE IT ALL FOR GRANTED!!!

... I think this explains my current passion to give people foot massages!!! Now that desire did seem truly bonkers - when it first occurred to me - I started a year ago in India - but I really enjoy it and am now loving the fact that I am getting more confident about doing them, I just love the connection and the opportunity to give recognition to the wonderfulness of feet - OK I am bonkers!

Am also recognising that in order to cope with the turmoil of the world I have to recognise and embrace life in manageable chunks - the small steps which are the necessary precursor of anything else..... Living in appreciation of the small things make everything and anything possible..

So have enjoyed a wonderful weekend of walking with sisters etc ... in near perfect conditions - and massaged 5 sets of feet - so bufffff - life's very amazing, completely unpredictable ... but joyful ... and the only way to do this is by loving every wonderful, precious small step.......

Glowing....

.. laughing because I am glowing - a 5 day road trip in an open topped convertible has left me with a wonderful glowing feeling - and OK a face that is a bit red too!!

It has been wonderful - I visited Brighton and Devon - staying with family/friends - and it's so lovely because increasingly my friends are my family and my family are my friends............

I also stayed with small boys and chickens - and thoroughly enjoyed both..... encouraged boys to play Dukes of Hazards over the back seat of the convertible - doesn't everyone want to do that! and collected eggs - then turned geese and duck eggs and 'candled' them - and gained a wonderful insight into the love and care of animals - special.

I also went to a Hen Party (haha) in a teenybopper club in Torquay, swam (briefly and with a lot of screaming) in the freezing cold sea and had lots and lots and lots of wonderful conversations................

So back home with lots of photographs of boys and chickens and glowing with happiness.

Today I had a long drive - but it was so good - the sun was shining and I chose to go through the Welsh/English border on smaller roads rather than the motorway.... and the trees and countryside was just so green, wild flowers everywhere, the beauty of our Earth is just so amazing - OK an open topped car does bring you closer to it!! - but it was truly, truly beautiful........

reflecting more on pain...........

... so I finished my blogg and switched off my computer and was just settling in to go to bed.. when for some reason I decided to read it on my phone - technology!!!! When I did - I felt I needed to continue with the blogg!

What I reflected on was pain - individual and also collective pain - the pain of all of us - I also thought about how we as human beings can feel this pain...... and to do so is our humanity.

So to feel pain is to be human.. (recognising that animals also feel pain)... but that we can take it to an art form! To be human is to have the potential to be creative ... and that includes being so horribly creative with our pain... and the shit we throw at ourselves! OK profound thoughts over - now it's time to go to bed!

A lovely evening of laughing............

............I do laugh a lot, which is a very wonderful thing to be able to say... but I do! There is a thing that 'you get back - what you give' - I don't know about whole lifetimes but on a day to day basis this seems to be true to me. If you go through life grumpy and miserable, nothing makes you happy - but if you laugh - people around you laugh and smile - you get laughter and smiles back.

I think a lot about Chris... all the time really... and how he lived with pain, excruciating pain, there were several levels of this and I know I have written about it my blogg before... but he lived with pain.. putting on two big heavy artificial legs everyday - like wearing an enormous pair of shoes that rub your feet raw, but that he needed to walk with - so every step was painful.... and then neuralgia, constant nerve pain, sometime acute... and acute for days, weeks and even months.... fierce, sharp, knife twisting pain,... that racked his legs night after night..................looking back my eyes fill up with tears of compassion... my beautiful man LIVED WITH PAIN......................... but you know what he NEVER EVER COMPLAINED!!!

Didn't make him a saint but it did make him the most extraordinary teacher.

That's interesting I've just had a beautiful evening - improvised theatre - which I joined in - followed by a quick wizz in the BMW - with the roof down - of course - to take a lovely dancer home - and a lot of laughter - mainly when standing upside down!! So joyful and fun - loved and loving - then I write about Chris's pain... I suppose that's what's life's about - laughing, loving, giving and receiving and having compassion for those of us in pain......... which of course at sometime is all of us - but not complaining!!

Boy I'm blessed!!!!

Not knowing ... but knowing.....

Know I'm not the only one who's living with this huge sense of knowing ... yet not knowing! I think we all probably are - and we just have to accept that we know and that we also don't know... bottom line 'what will be - will be' - sounds like a song title!!

I am loving being me at the moment.... I am truly joyful and I am especially liking, and enjoying, the small and beautiful shared recognition of happiness which occur when you catch eye contact and share a wonderful smiling beam of shared joy.... with a total stranger... who of course is not!

It's Thursday evening and I have just been shopping with Becki, so proud of her... we of course went in the BMW with the roof down..........I am just enjoying the car so much - it just makes me laugh and driving with the roof down - laughing - I just get welcomed into other people's worlds, they let me in at junctions, smile, wave, motorcyclists shimmy their leather clad bottoms and I am greeted - and it is just so much fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talked about it last night with an old friend... I think because I am happy, joyful in my beautiful car, happy and enjoying life... people recognise this and respond.... wonderfully... I think this is also true of the shared beaming smiles... I'm living happiness and so that's what I get back.... I do notice that when it happens - it is given with great pleasure, the eyes say .... I recognise you and we connect..... wow!!!!

So another day at work and a weekend of birthdays, music, theatre and family........ wow wow wow - how blessed and happy am I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joyful - feeling lighter (but also still a bit bonkers!)

Just back from Amsterdam - it's funny how normal this feels...... I had very busy time but good - can see/feel things moving on - they have been a bit stuck for the last few weeks, but lots of wonderful shifts have occurred and the changes feel beautiful - and accelerating!!

Loving the technology of all these connections, the ability to communicate in so many, subtle ways - with people around the world: face to face, Skype, emails, texts and the short - touch base - 1:1, 1:subset of people - known and unknown - but all communications - ... including via this blogg... we now have the ability to make connections, at so many levels, so easily, globally!!!! Truly extra-ordinarily wonderful...................

Amsterdam is a special city for me ... went for the first time as a child 9/10ish (I think) can remember a museum full of 'Old Masters' big and dark, and my Dad driving - with a bit of difficulty/argument - from a back seat child's point of view... fleeting memories.

Then many a happy weekend/few days with Chris - including his 50th birthday and the starting point for our back- packing holidays so special, good times.... happy, happy memories.....

Then on top of this over 10 years of Trio students/staff study tours and summer schools....... huge learning experiences for both them and me! The legacy of all this is sound, not always easy but good learning... and all in a wonderful and I think truly bonkers city! Felt a new understanding of the city over the last few days... as I was there working with such an increased depth of knowledge - in so many way!!

Spring.... a time of awakening!

Earlier this evening Jimmy and I went for a walk after a Sunday dinner and admired the million of beautiful daffodils nodding in Sefton Park. They are wonderful - a Field of Hope - planted years ago as part of a Marie Curie Cancer research campaign - can't remember exactly when but within my children's lifetime - by the local community and schools etc and now a real springtime feature of Liverpool ... and I can see them from my window this year!

It has been a weekend of spring flowers. Yesterday I had discussions in Krakow about magnolias - their budding, flowering and petal fall - across Europe........... Portugal well fallen, Poland see photo and Romania not yet visibly budding.


Then Jim and I had a Skype chat with Rob - who was on his laptop in a bar in Varazdin, it ended up very communal with us talking to the guy who runs the bar with an audience!!!

So I get back from Poland this afternoon and whilst the dinner is cooking, Jim and I companionably chat to Rob in Croatia - and his friends!! The technology and pace of global communication is truly extraordinary...... and we talked about magnolias.. and their role as heralds of spring... it has never occurred to me before this weekend that they do this anywhere but in my world - Liverpool!

So this spring, with beautiful Polish magnolias, we officially constituted EUCU.net. A group of us, 20-30 people from 11 countries representing over 73,000 children - recognising our shared commitment and passion. Wonderful, inspiring ideas becoming reality..... doing what we have to do, recognising that we are also a growing family. So we did, what we did with love and much laughter..... beautiful companionable, joyful laughter... several people had brought partners and children and their presence was also lovely, family......

Then I come home to my Liverpool family... spending some time at Chris's Beech Tree - as I felt a strong need to do that. I remembered Chris a lot in Krakow - through talking about us going there in 2000 as part of the 'back-packing' holiday - but also by talking about him in 'going deeper' conversations with people who know me, but don't know my history... all part of new family building.

Back to magnolias - I said to Jim earlier that I had my first big feeling of loss about moving from Cheltenham Avenue when I realised that I would miss the magnolia in the front garden. We had planted it above where we buried Beryl the dog - a lovely tree which has been growing over many years - just realised probably over 16 years - I still think of it as a sapling! But this year I will not wake up with a special Magnolia outside my window - but this year I wake every morning with a million daffodils and a growing understanding of the magnolias around the world ......heralding our shared spring.... wow still blessed and still waking up!!!!

crazinesssssssssssssssss!!!

.......................and it does feel pretty crazy to be me at the moment. I veer between two people, one of whom is being herself and doing OK, being sensible and surviving in this world - the other one is really quite wild.. goodness knows where she is ........... truly bonkers!!!!

It's not what I'm doing.... though that is pretty unpredictable.. but more about who I am ... I suppose this is at the core of this .........the who am I? The EI Question - tell me who you are?

So what does this mean to live with every day... well a bit of a double life... but I know I am not alone with this feeling of being in two worlds... talking, Fbin, seeing ... life is not straightforward... and you know what ..... if we knew the meaning of life... it would all be so simple!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fast time..........

It's unexpectedly Friday - two strike days, a lot of pressurised work in between buying a fancy new car..... then driving it around a bit!!! My week has just flown by. It seems really weird to be Friday - cos it only feels like Tuesday!!

Am at home and have been reading some bloggs and watching YouTube etc from/about Japan - feeling very inspired by their courage, dignity and humanity... extraordinary....

Reflecting on the wonderfulness of humanity.... we take it for granted because it is us.... we are humanity... yet we are so very quick to judge, criticise and not recognise our wonderfulness, strength and sheer ability TO BE .... to love... to create.... to cherish... to make music... to love despite.... to be truthful... and to be HAPPY!

We have such a strong tendency to see only the negative aspects of ourselves - both as individuals and as a society.. and to overlook the day to day specialness of the wonderful small things we do for each other... from a smile to a lifetime's sacrifice.... we really do give... we really do love... but you know what - we don't recognise it... we just judge ourselves ... and we should really just love ourselves... just a little bit more xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

truly wonderfully bonkers!!!

........and enjoying every moment of it!!

Today I was on strike - because it was the right thing to do - I didn't go on the picket line... but I didn't work either - however I did do something pretty crazy instead - test drove five of the poshest, fanciest cars that I have ever seen!!! Now where did that come from?

I have never been into cars - enjoyed their functionality and crucially their empowering mobility for Chris, but cars in my life have been a way of transporting boys, dogs, stuff - getting from A-B - they were also a lifeline for my lovely man - so we had several cars but all bought with a view to his mobility - for Chris really... and the boys ... and the practicalities of our life.

So I know I have never been 'into cars' - not able to tell one from another - not understanding their status....... only really aware of their practicality rather than anything else - ask Gilly!! I have just never really thought about cars - but today after my various test drives - I bought a white BMW convertible - Sports version - a swanky posh car - wonderfully bonkers - and decidedly out of character - 2 of my sons think it is hysterical - 3rd one has yet to comment - and wow - what I am doing here - being wonderfully bonkers!!!!

So on Thursday - another strike day - I collect my fancy convertible car - and have no idea where the next bonkers idea will take me............. what a ride!!!

Full moon and feelings of change..............

It's Sunday evening after a very lovely weekend.... Friday - Gilly and I drank too much wine in Esteban's and celebrated her booking her flights to Australia, a powerful emotional night where we talked deeply and wonderfully... so a good start to the weekend.

Saturday I cooked lunch for my parents - and Jimmy and I went over and treasured our time with them - and did some gardening... my Mum is in good spirits and my Dad is just so special, life is getting harder and harder but he just puts so much effort into living.... wow he is truly inspirational. We also planned Jimmy's 21st Birthday party - afternoon - Saturday 21st May at my Mum's and Dad's - let me know if you'd like to come.

Then last night I went round to Fionnula's to sit in her garden in the light of the hugest fullest moon I'll ever see.... and today - even though it wasn't visible, it was even bigger.... and I have certainly felt that there is change or lunar/lunacy in the air this weekend!

Today I went shopping with Becki - what a joy to see her flourishing... talked to Rob who was looking at a flat in Varazdin and then looked at cars... which against all my natural instincts was good fun!

So it's Sunday evening... I'm tired ... don't know why but I have been sleeping badly for a couple of weeks now ... waking up at 2/3/4 and then struggling to get back to sleep. I am feeling tired in my physical body.. but also feeling I'm living on such a roller-coaster, big peaks and troughs, huge changes swirling and whirling around me and everyone, everything, global changes... wonderful and exciting changes!!!!

So tonight reflecting on being at this point of change.... very conscious that I'm increasingly open to changes, so maybe am seeing/feeling more than previously.. but also do feel that the world is in a real process of change... so happy and a bit tired but also aware of how blessed I am....... to be here, alive and part of the changes!!

big stuff going on......

Back home - after potentially a 4 country meal day: France - breakfast, Belgium - lunch, Netherlands - dinner, UK - supper. Didn't quite work out because there wasn't a lunch at my meeting in Brussels, and I ended up not being hungry in Amsterdam - but I don't think I've ever had a 4 country meal day potential!!!

Back home, feels good... though weary.......... but also more than that... conscious of the fear that is coming out from around the world ... sitting in Schiphol airport watching unfolding news about Japan... talked and reflected on this now back home.... reality, life and death makes all the nonsense hassle of the day to day so remarkably unimportant... however the small things, details of life are fundamentally important...... we do what we must do....... yes .. not easy .. but we do what we must do..............

Blogging from Paris

It's Monday morning and I have been here in Paris since Thursday evening. We had a really good but hard meeting on Friday of the Core Team of SiS Calalyst. The amount of work is potentially overwhelming, I'm seeing this very strongly in my team in Liverpool, and to a lesser degree with my partners. I don't currently feel overwhelmed by it all, but I am beginning to recognize what a huge task I have set myself and others around me.

Then having got to that stage on Friday, I spent Saturday with a slightly different set of people, pulling together, as Coordinator, another big bid for submission by the end of the month. I wrote in an e-mail recently, I must be mad to being doing this, and there were some points when this felt very true. However, after a day of nearly switching off, mooching round flea markets in Paris with Stephanie, it all feels just about manageable!

Sometimes it is very strange to be me. How I see myself, and how others see me, or more precisely, how I see - others see me, seems to be completely different. More generally, I suppose this is true for everybody - that the person who we are to ourselves, within ourselves, is just not what other people see. Yes, we live in a world of mirrors but the reflections are interpretations, made by ourselves, not a true representation of what we are.

So today I have a morning, to write/dictate up the last three days, then this afternoon I'm off for lunch, to meet some people here in Paris and see their project - which is very exciting. Tomorrow I go to Brussels for a meeting of people like me - Coordinator of big EU projects, I am fascinated to see what they look like, I have a feeling they won't look like me. Then from Brussels to go to Amsterdam then home.

The me, the inside of me - does 2 things when I look at what I’ve just written – one part of me looks at this woman travelling around the world and sees an experienced older woman, doing what she thinks is good work - the other me looks at this woman through the eyes of a child and sees a little girl laughing and dancing with the colours of the rainbow that she sees reflected on the world that she is lucky enough to live in.

Wow – but goodness knows what anyone else sees!!!!!

back again...................

So another layer of the onion skin removed, going deeper again... back home and still reeling - mind I've only been home half an hour.... the joy of this house is I'm home and sorted in less than 30 minutes - washing on, bottle in bed and tea brewed - and that's from the airport!

So 4 days dancing, wonderfully deep, heart wrenching exquisite dancing, soul exposing, truthful and beautiful dancing, open and vulnerable dancing and how more truthful can we be type of dancing................

So not the easiest kind of dancing...... not jumping for joy and having a laugh dancing, but all the more special for being what it was... hard... but that's good too.

OK just thought about this - I have the busiest hardest week of my working life and for a break I go dancing to 'The Edge and Beyond' which was what we did............ I could have had a rest!!! But you know what I'm glad I didn't.. I'm glad I continued to push myself.. both physically and spiritually and it was amazing... danger of superlative overload here... but it was just that amazing.....

I am now home, after a wonderful chance meeting with someone I used to know on the plane - a flight of wonderful conversation, followed by a meeting of minds with my taxi driver... so a long day which started on an Andalusian mountain top , waking up early and meditating with the beauty of the place.. we then ate - simply abundant food - ceremonially - and danced between Medicine Circles to complete the work of the previous days and to conclude the work of our time together.

What does this mean? Well I'm blessed - but anyone who's read the tiniest bit of this blogg know that!! I'm physically very tired.... but still feel really full of energy tonight... I also am feeling vulnerable... felt very lost in Malaga airport tonight - big place.. lots of people... very alien - but I know that's where the dance took me - to vulnerability - also know that's it's very brave to be public about this - strong people aren't supposed to be vulnerable - but of course we are - and the more we recognise this the stronger we become.

So proud of myself, knackered and a bit wobbly!!! Says it all xxxxxx

going dancing.......................

........... leaving tomorrow morning early for Malaga then up to the mountains for 4 days of dancing - to the Edge and Beyond..... just what I need. It's been a hard few months and I'm ready to dance - the teacher is 5 Rhythms/Shamanic so I know it wont be easy but it will be ...... going to the Edge and Beyond....... getting excited!!!!

Can't stop blogging..........

The turmoil in my life is growing..... know so clearly that I am not on my own - all of us are going through this turmoil.. some more conscious of it than others.. the difference feels a spectrum between fearing/not accepting and embracing change... ..transformational change .

Struggling to find the words as this is such a strong feeling/longing.. reality being the day to day.... but the joy of this is that I now work/exist amongst those who understand.. am aware that this also means that I 'operate' with those who must think I am completely bonkers!!!

Such an exciting weekend....

.. and also very emotional, a weekend of real transformation/change and I had such a wonderful role in it .... just being me .. but so glad that I could physically be here for Becki and her very special Mum and Dad... and also my Mum tonight....

OK .. there is a very long story here.... short version my niece Becki and her beautiful toddler, Aidan, moved into their own house this weekend...

Their stories..... are complex, painful, beautiful yet despite some of the most difficult times... full of love... increasingly recognised... by themselves... by all of us....

Had the most wonderful conversation with my Mum tonight, didn't need to explain, just needed to shed tears of joy, which we did, as I talked about being in the Supermarket yesterday with Becki and Jimmy .. being blessed by doing something so small as a supermarket shop .. but something so huge as a supermarket shop - Becki's first - feel it's difficult to get the words right and express how special it was to just be there.... Jimmy, Becki and I - extraordinarily special.

So Sunday night after an amazing week and weekend, very tired..but very alive and full of energy... wow how lucky am I........................

Made them happy!!!

Am pretty exhausted - 3 amazing days and nights, wonderful, yet probably the hardest days work I have ever done.... but what happened was extra-ordinary..... and we did it!!

It's late 2.00 - Friday night/Saturday morning - it's been a very very long day! I was emotional earlier on this evening - as it was not easy..... and sometimes, even though I knew I was doing my best.... it still felt, and I think was, very very hard....

But - it was absolutely and truly wonderful - Wonder Full!!

Bufff - so I am joyous... in awe of the people who are now - firmly in my life- 3 days like we have had - we are connected for life!!! I also tied them all up in string at some point - so we all know this...

Tonight finished with dancing - which of course it had to and that was also perfect - Alma de Cuba at it's best - deliciously bonkers and scouse... just loved it.... so a euphoric blogg - Rene leaves tomorrow early, then I will pick up Renata for breakfast with Jimmy, then Raul later.... exhausted, joyful and so so blessed.

Loving the fact that I did my job - recognised this and was also recognised - and ended up making them all happy....... (though also know some are still confused about what it all means) but hey this was the kick off meeting for a 4 year - ambitious project - hahaha - and yes some of us will be confused, but that's just an opportunity to learn!!!!!!

Kicking Off!!!!!

...... and we are... 70+ people from around the globe spent this evening taking Children As Change Agents to the next stage ...... of becoming a reality... and it was truly wonderful.

I am pretty exhausted, woke very early this morning about 4.30 and it's now 20 hours later and I have been talking, listening, recognising , making wonderful reunions and connecting people all day.... I should be exhausted but am not ... flying high - kite like - I will have to stop at some point!!!! But hey maybe not !

I held the space for everyone tonight.... it was not easy... but I was well prepared, well supported and had only invited those who had the capacity to come with me ... and we did... we went there..... wonderful, natural and the way it was going to be... I am feeling so energised ... I just wanted to dance... I did earlier on when Rene and I came home, I just had so much energy in my body, it just needed to dance!

Tomorrow is a day of transition as others take steps forward... and I take steps back...joyful... I know my role - I told them all tonight, my role is to keep them all happy - simplistic but true... it went down very well, I just love this... they understood!!!

Energy..................

Have an amazing amount of energy at the moment.... I woke up at 4.30 this morning - didn't get up for a couple of hours but was happily awake, had a very busy day at work, danced for 2 hours, talked to Rene and others and it's now after midnight and I am absolutely wide awake... never felt so alive!!

Not certain what's going on here.. but this is quite normal for me ... though it doesn't actually feel 'normal'... feels good and really quite wonderful... but it doesn't feel normal!!! Not certain what normal is any more... the more I learn, the more I understand, and the more I know I don't know!

Could just be that this is such an exciting week... people arriving, feels like an great big party is about to start... which is good. Could be I'm connecting to other energies around me, could be all sorts of stuff... and hey probably is!

Excitement mounting.....................

.... I have a really strong feeling of fluttering emptiness in the pit of my stomach and an amazing warmth in my heart area as I really begin to think about next week. 50 plus people from around the world will be here in Liverpool to start making Children As Change Agents a reality - this is just so exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's wonderful - and reflecting on this - I can feel my whole body reacting to this - shivers of excitement - making my finger tips tingle and me smile so broadly - that I think I must look pretty bonkers!

But I am actually living this beautiful broad smile - well what on earth does that mean? Well I see this beaming smile is an indicator of my happiness.... the visible part of my body - the smile externally reflecting the love and joy that my mind and my soul jointly know. I am just so very very happy. I am also just so alive - glowing with life and surrounded by ideas swirling around me, playing peek a boo with me, joyfully waiting to come out and play!!!

OK I am sounding increasingly crazy here - it is 1.30 in the afternoon - I am writing my blogg whilst I wait for Rene to arrive. She set off from Montana yesterday and three flights later she missed her connection in Amsterdam. She's so close I can almost feel her with me and I think this is a big shiver within my excitement of today.

Rene and I met a few years ago and actually only talked very briefly a couple of times, though once in particular was a very deep conversation. But when Chris died I turned to her, amazing, the other side of the world, and she was so there for me... my Soul Sister, we are just connected. I think she was the first person I recognised as having a strong soul connection with, which meant that we didn't need to talk, even to know each other, to know we are totally connected.

Since Rene I have a growing number of sisters and daughters that I am so connected with. There are also men that I know I have a soul connection with, but I haven't yet found the words to describe these relationships.... I find connecting with men is more complicated because connections generate a lot of energy and this can be confused with sexual energy.. or maybe it is the same - I don't know... I do know there is a growing number of lovely men in my life, some of whom I do feel a very strong connection with. But I also know I only talk really openly with 3 or 4 of them about recognising this connection, maybe I just should start calling them Soul Brothers though there are a couple I would prefer to call Soul Lovers though! Bufff!!! Can't believe I'm writing this on my blogg - but hey I have no fear!!

So Rene will be here in a couple of hours, I am cooking a chicken in lemon and butter, and have made some leek and potato soup and there I have some bread rolls rising, I have made up my spare bedroom and think I am just so ready for her arrival. Number 1, to be followed by the others during the week. Wow I am still so amazed that we are now doing this - back to excitement.... OK be practical.... I'll do some ironing and clean the bathroom!! The small things are important........

Sunday

A lot of strong whirling and swirling movement around me at the moment - on reflection not just me - the World....... swirling/whirling...... not certain how to describe it..... it's everything that I/We know, but changing and more so... I have a very strong feeling of rightness/OKness/joy but also a feeling of ... uncertainty/ expectation/ growing excitement which on reflection is wonderful... but it is also making me a bit 'twitchy'!!!

So much change..........like a huge big roller coaster wave ... wonderful and powerful and 'right' but WOW!!!!!!!

OK - lazy Sunday in my lovely little flat - not been out of the door - mind I didn't get up until really late cos I was out dancing last night... I LOVE DANCING.. I was at a party early with Vanessa, the DJ, when she was doing the sound check and I danced on my own in the empty space... joyfully... gloriously... wonderfully.... childlike... I have decided the older and wiser I get, the more childlike I get - it is just such the right place to be... especially as I now coordinate Children as Change Agents.

Thinking about this though, what do we mean by 'childlike'? - to call someone childish is to probably to insult them! But to look at life through the eyes of a child is extraordinarily truthful, clear and beautiful... and our grief is that we have forgotten how to do this.....I have a strap line for the project, which I have yet to be public about, but am working towards, which is: 'Things we Grown Ups have forgotten.'

So Sunday night, joyful, childlike and tired.... way to be xxx

And here's me dancing!

Decisions about the future...............

When I start writing a blogg - I start with the Title: **** and often it takes me by surprise.... like just now... as I don't really think through what I'm going to reflect on... just go with the flow... but this title is significant as I hadn't really realised that I had made decisions about the future!!!!

So what's all this about then?

Well, I'm very joyful and also very knackered... both absolutely related to being in Vienna most of the week, very long days and very short nights. I have also had a lovely day cooking chicken soup for my parents and visiting with Jimmy, glowing with love as my Dad had 4 bowls of soup - how special is that - he said I had put too much chili in it - but I think the fact that he ate 4 bowls meant he enjoyed it a lot!! He was in very good form, he was able to hear more and clearly enjoyed us being there - talking and laughing - he doesn't laugh a lot now, as life is really really hard for him most of the time. My Mum was also in good form and we were HAPPY, which was wonderful.

Now this relates to my decision about the future and several overlapping conversations and reflections over the last few days and last night.

OK so where am I now... well the Coordinator of this huge project, 4 years, over 4 million Euros, partners and advisers all over the world..... and it has now started to become a reality. The meeting in Vienna was the start........ so after 18 months of writing the bid, with wonderful support and definitely not on my own, negotiating it to the next stage, a very difficult and complex process.... I was in a room of 20 plus people, about a third of the whole consortium... a pretty posh room in the University of Vienna, with this wonderful group of people, some I know well, some I have met briefly and some not at all ... but together we were starting to make Children As Change Agents a reality..... Wow Wow Wow.....................

I have lived, talked, slept, dreamt this project for so long and now it's a room full of people: wonderful, inspiring, exciting and excited people, turning ideas and thoughts into a global reality....... how fantastic is that!!!!! No wonder I am as high as a kite!!

In Spanish the word 'crear' is to create and the word 'creer' is to believe - remarkably similar and I create/believe - 'creo' is the same. This seems very appropriate for where I am right now - creating and believing. I haven't got Hector to discuss this with any more, as he's now in India, and I haven't got my act together to get another Spanish teacher - I am also away so much ... and I do feel I am forgetting my Spanish..... I do need to do something about that - but that's a different story...

So Children As Change Agents for Science and Society - is beginning to take shape and move beyond conscious thoughts into the real world... we are now making it happen!!!!!!

So what is my decision? Well over the last couple of weeks I have been, and not on my own, wrestling with the question - what are the Roles and Responsibilities of the 10 Work Package Leader, the 16 Partners, 3 Partner/Advisers, 15 Advisers and 2 Informal Advisers!!! - but also crucially for me 'What is the role of the Coordinator?'

Well I now know what the Role of the Coordinator is - and it is very simple and directly links back to my lunch with my parent... my Role is just to make sure that everyone is HAPPY!!!!

It is actually blissfully simple and glaringly obvious, though I think it will test my skills and wisdom, but if everyone is happy, then it will all work perfectly. So my role as Coordinator is to ensure that all of these wonderful people, from all around the world, are HAPPY doing what is required for them to do - their bit of the jigsaw!

Love it!!!!

... and of course the secret of happiness is attention to detail - the importance of the small things....................

Making marmalade....

.... it has been a poignant and beautiful day......... making marmalade..

This has been a day long coming, discussions about making marmalade have been going for over a year and today Jimmy and I went and symbolically made marmalade.

My parents have always made marmalade and bramble jelly - can´t really remember any other jams being made, but throughout my childhood the rituals of making marmalade in January/February and bramble jelly in August/September were very closely observed leading to jars of both always being there for breakfast for the rest of the year. Even after we left home, we would be given jars when we visited or were visited.

So my parents now 90 and 93 have continued to make marmalade every year.... bramble jelly involves hedgerow brambling and this has not been on for them for a few years ... and marmalade has been getting harder and harder as their frailty made it very difficult. The prospect of super-hot pans were very worrying from a distance - Rob taking a watching brief the last couple of years.

However at Christmas it emerged that my Father felt, strongly, that although Rob had been around he hadn't really understood how to make marmalade properly! So it was agreed that I would help them make marmalade this year in order to learn how it should be done. I had helped as a child/teenager but on a 'do this/that' basis... though with fond memories - which were there today for me... how blessed am I....

However back to the story... my parents being my parents, didn't wait for me and have made 2 lots on their own already this year - amazing - anyway the first lot was hard and the second lot was a bit of a disaster, and obviously caused upset with half the oranges being unused. This was my opportunity to insist that I really wanted to learn how to make marmalade and that these should be saved until I could go over. The first time was today and I went, wonderfully accompanied by Jimmy.

... and we made marmalade - as instructed by my beautiful frail and increasingly sleeping father.. he is holding on because he still has things to do for my mother - like being there - staying alive - but he is so tired, he is sleeping increasingly.

My Mum is being so strong - recognising - though forgetting - she now knows and can talk about him staying alive for her - she's not ready to go - driving the car and swimming 35 lengths every morning... but she also knows and can talk - but with care and love - that her world is his world - their shared world of over 65 years... buff..... she recognises this dependence but she is so amazingly strong - despite fighting with her memory and her fear...... what an amazingly wonderful woman my Mother is...........

... and their shared world includes making marmalade!!

So Jimmy and I went over early, and made marmalade ... my Father was very insistent on the right way of doing things - he was passing on a legacy - my Mother recognising this - and went to the front room - leaving us alone with Dad - a rare and special concession.

The instructions were spoken with difficulty - and Jimmy and I muddled along - wrong type of oranges, too many, not enough/too much sugar, wrong sequence of things, uncertainty of what we were supposed to be doing, not helped by me cutting my thumb on one of my Father's razor sharp knifes quite early on!!

Anyway we made wonderful marmalade... beautiful generationally bonding, memory legacy, re-affirming joyous jam!!!! My Mum said to Jimmy .... when you're an old man making marmalade - you'll remember making it for the first time at your long dead grand-parents home.... buffffff!!!

The unspoken was..... that they will never make marmalade again....... bufff... grief needs to be recognised but not dwelt in.....

bit knackered...

....which is not surprising as I danced until after 5.30 in the morning and have been awake since 8.30 - dozed briefly on the train back from London - but actually I think I do have quite an impressive amount of stamina!

Went to London for a party on a barge and slept, briefly in a houseboat, along with a load of others - bit of an old hippy as my boys would have it - wore my new and delicious purple velvet corset - had to get tied into it - not something you can put on yourself - just loved the party it was truly magical - I danced with joy much of the night - only knew one person there - to start with - but we are a relatively new but very very strong connection - so didn't hesitate to go - and quite rightly - absolutely had a ball -though I did fall asleep and snore - gently I hope - before the party finished at 7.

So a slice of my life - just going for it - treasuring the richness of people in my life - so many powerful connections. Just following the connections................ This is not just in my personal life but also professionally... just following the connections...........

Got back and had Becki round for tea which was lovely, as I haven't spent time alone with her for a bit and there has been a huge amount going on in her life - so that was very special - then have been uploading Jimmy's birthday present - over 200 songs - his Father's son - diverse genres of music across a range of decades, countries etc. He put them together - selected and ordered - just for me - how special is that! Paul and Sue they are on your way!

Work quite full-on at the moment - off to Brussels this week - hopefully to finalise SiS Catalyst - though I have had to start the details of delivery - quite a complex game - but deeply enjoyable.

So my weekend was - did the quiz via Skype with my 3 sons on Saturday before going to an all night party in London - getting home to eat a lovely dinner with my beautiful niece followed by several hours of listening to new music - selected just for me by my youngest son - soon it will be time for some sleep - tomorrow being another day - and of course Monday - dancing! Wow wow wow - how blessed am I???

Birthdays, synergies and connections...

Came back from Ireland this afternoon - again! - but this time from Belfast - having been in the North and the South for several days.... lovely, lovely weekend topped off a very busy and extraordinary couple of days working in Dublin.

My life is truly extraordinary..... as I didn't arrange anything yet found myself in the right place, really connecting with the right people with the flow of ideas and creativity visibly streaming and whirling around us!

I am finding this happening increasingly.... not 'making' anything happen, just 'being' and then going with the flow..... it is strange and very beautiful, with the synergy and linkages between things and people... just being there..... effortlessly. They are also so very inter-connected, leading on seamlessly one from another.

For example people say 'How come your son lives in Croatia?'....and the answer is a story... which weaves in and out of coincidences and 'opportunism' - 'going through doors' as they appear in our lives. I say 'our' lives as I'm not the only one doing this, the people I connect with are also doing the same thing.... 'going through doors' as they open up in front of us.

So this was the first birthday weekend, my birthday falls on Wednesday, shared by another birthday girl (Tuesday) a joyous weekend of laughter, wonderful food, picnics in the rain, the Giant Causeway at dusk/in the dark, long conversations and a house just made for cloud watching.

So a birthday week... will be busy, as I have a lot to do at the moment, but feel refreshed though quite tired tonight... and then the second birthday weekend in London.... a party on a narrow boat, but who's or where - I have no idea - looking forward to that! An example of my life at the moment, going through a door without knowing where it will lead to, who or what is on the other side..... but hey isn't life just so exciting!!!!

shedding fear and having faith!

..........well have been shedding fear for a while now, increasingly recognising it´s negativity, being 'fearless' being a recurring theme in this blogg...

Now having faith is different - but an absolutely logical next step!

Just had a wonderful and anticipated conversation - love it - being the amazingly blessed person that I am - I talk to so many people - increasingly about my spiritual journey - all of these conversations are so important - because learning only happens when you communicate.

However there is one person that I talk to - who let's me talk/listens to me in such a way as to let me listen to myself - then to answer my own questions. He listens with an understanding and reassurance that lets me know that I knew it anyway!!!

So a wonderful conversation, building on three others this evening and an amazing weekend in Ireland. Going deep into ceremony, play, talking, listening and learning - and amazing food, good company and laughter - beautiful - but also the opportunity for growth - through - difficult to know how to describe it ... through consciously living... way to go!

Anyway the consequence of this richness is a powerful and heady cocktail..... of pure joy, lack of fear and a growing understanding of compassion.

This is the word of the week- COMPASSION - not an easy one by any means - but fundamental!

Through my conversations and learning of last few day have a growing understanding of the truth and importance of compassion - it is this that I have faith in - the most important thing in life! That was a conversation of several months ago which tonight made so much sense... buff learning - fantastic!!!

So the over-riding thought that is coming through all of these ....... is the need to have compassion for everyone - and that includes myself/yourself...

Back home.........

................ though not for long.

Beautifully refreshed after a week of Spanish food, company and family..... back at work but as someone commented on my Facebook last week - 'You are always on holiday!!!!' ... and he's right my life is so happy, it's like always being on holiday.

Not sure how I got here though - at what point did my life become a permanent holiday..... it is very strange to make the link with Chris's death - as this was the very worst thing that could and did happen in my life - but my current attitude to life - which is that every second is wonderful and must be treasured and enjoyed - as if you are on holiday - this way of thinking can be traced back to Chris's death.... and I suppose recorded in this blogg. When I was in Spain I went back over the last 4 years New Year bloggs and wow I have come a long way....

....started this yesterday but then got talking to people and never finished it...... another day and still smiling... but and it's a big but... I am also aware of grief... felt it strongly earlier on tonight... recognised it ... went there.... but then moved on... talked about it just now... the recognition of grief is really important, but recognising it does not mean dwelling on it, or nurturing it in any way... it means just saying ... "Yes grief I see you... I recognise you but that's it." Well that's that now back to the holiday!!!

Ano nuevo!

The new year was well celebrated amidst much grape eating and laughter - it is a real joy to be here for so many reasons. I have had a heavy cold which made me slightly feverish and very sleepy.... and I have maximised the siestas wonderfully, waking up to yet more beautiful food and company.... I have felt very indulgent, relishing and immersing myself totally in the luxury of it all.

I have also talked deeply with my sons which has felt very special as well - Rob and I reflected on our lives since Chris died and he talked to me - for the first time - of his fight with depression - I am still charged with emotion after that - the enormity of his journey shared.......

We also talked of our futures, his now in Croatia for the next year and then ..... anywhere - fantastic - also through the wonder of technology - communicating with others around the world - being in Spain and very aware of Hector being in India - magic..Talking - and understanding much Spanish - his gift to me!!!!

So another couple of days then home - briefly! My wonderful life,,,,, I am so very blessed and so happy - to be here - to be alive to be starting the year 2011 in peace - my open heart sends a blessing to you - thank you for reading this - with love xxxx.

Gijon......

....and it is amazing .... to be here .... to be part of this family - I'm with Alex, Lara and Rob.... we no longer have a family home ... and only two of us live in Liverpool - when we are there - so it seems very right and natural to be as a family in Spain - though what is also amazing is that I have been here - in family - four other times in last two weeks in Croatia, Slovenia, Liverpool and at my parents in Cheshire.

The feeling of connectivity is so strong and so special ... and growing .... we are part of the family of the future.....

Christmas 2010

Am sat in my parents front room whilst my three boys do a crossword with my Mother and my Father dozes. A wonderful family Christmas with my Mother glowing with happiness as her big grandsons joke and tease around her. My Father absolutely on top of everything including the cricket scores, whilst my Mother remembers and forgets in equal measure..... My Father's frailty more obvious, but his attention to detail wonderful, making us grapefruit at 4.30 in the morning as he didn't do it earlier!

There are a flock of long tailed tits in the garden and my Mother has come and sat next to me to watch them. Time to go........

Wonderful evening....

... and it was - just that - a truly wonderful evening - magic.

I had arranged to meet Gilly tonight with Jim and Alex, as we go to my parents tomorrow and I only came back on Monday...... anyway it ended up - unexpectedly - as Gilly, Vanessa, Jimmy, Alex, Aziz, Jamal and Perri and I having a really great night out - we went to Chili Banana - and the boys were just so funny, all of them just playing off against each other, laughing, joyful, teasing, beautifully witty at each other's expense ... just being themselves, knowing each other so well, being open and honest and just so funny....wonderful young people... and when we weren't laughing we were all talking........ honest and heartfelt.

A real sense of family, touching base with Chris and Heff, recognising and appreciating shared history ... being us.. and enjoying every second of it.. way to live... wonderful!!!!

Varazdin, Velenje and now home....

.... and wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am still so utterly amazed at the connectivity of it all - I saw, and watched a webcam in 1999.... http://cip.foi.hr/index.php/foi-web-cam before we went on our first holiday to Croatia .... and now I am officially part of the FOI, I have been given only their second Charter as Friend of FOI - when I spoke on receiving this - I said - 11 years ago I saw a web cam and now you honour me like this ... and my life is so intrinsically wrapped up in Varazdin with work etc ..... but also my son now lives here!!!! Wow wow wow.. extraordinary!

Then I go onto to Velenje - to my Slovenian sister - we discussed this - how did this happen?? But our lives, our children's lives - Jimmy came with me, Jan was there... they already know each other so well etc etc .... we just know and connect so much with each other - so Varazdin and Velenje are about an hour and half drive away from each other, in two countries (though with a shared history - not always easy) yet I know both of these from different routes - how absolutely amazing is this... no it was just meant to be....

... bufffff - so didn't get back in time for the dancing party ... but I had such a beautiul dance in Varazdin..... just glowing with love and life.... I know ... but I just have to write it - how blessed am I?..........................

So much seems to be happening...............

............on so many levels but particularly in my spiritual journey. It has been a roller coaster of a week and I have had huge highs and lows. It feels like I am veering between poles, oscillating between extremes of .... emotion... not quite emotion - I wrote in an email to a friend last week - 'I veer between a beautiful certainty and a huge void of not knowing anything' and I have been thinking about this, at the back of my mind all week, and I suppose it is exactly where I am.

The 'huge certainty' is growing, it is becoming clearer and much more defined, it is becoming real. The huge void of 'not knowing anything' is the trough between the waves, and as the waves build up increasing in momentum....... the crests are becoming higher, wilder, fiercer and even more bedecked with white horses, whilst the troughs continue in between...... plateaus of stillness, of taking breath.... they are also actually really beautiful ... and maybe need to be just that - points of stillness before the next wave, rather than voids of not knowing.

... and so I think this is where I am - after a very reflective peaceful day, I have meditated a lot today and given myself the time to be and to read etc as a consequence I sit here now in a state of huge and wonderfully beautiful certainty! Maybe I should just spend my life meditating - it just fills me with joy..... but I live in the real world... and I suppose I'm back to waves again.... only this time the trough is the 'beautiful certainty' and the real world the 'white horse bedecked wave' - wow - could be right!!!

post script..

.. and of course Chris as a consequence had no fear of death.. what a wonderful teacher!

Catching up with myself................

.... a quiet weekend, a combination of not going to the EI, having nothing planned and the weather. But it is amazing, I was talking to Margaret this morning - for 2 hours - I do have beautiful long phone calls with so many people - that I have hardly gone out of the house all weekend - yet since Friday afternoon I have communicated with so many people, email, phone, Facebook, What app, Skype.... in over 20 countries!!!! How staggering is that.. the technology is truly amazing.... One click away from... some quite passive - an email - some deep - long telephone conversations - I love my phone package - some short and funny touch base technology like texts - just a few words - wow it is really extraordinary - and now such a way of life... our children are growing up with this......Wow wow wow.....

So weather cold, just love my new flat - one switch away from warmth - small and cozy. Well I only keep one room warm - but it's just lovely, sitting at my window after a beautiful sunny day - it's now foggy and cold - weather to be indoors!

Have been invited to Croatia the week after next, which I am going to go to with Jimmy - and we will see Rob in his new land - and several dear friends.... so an unexpected journey - and lovely as they are giving me some form of recognition - how extraordinary is that - it just makes me laugh so much with joy.

I know that I have more connections than many people, but I also know that the connections are coming - young people increasingly connect globally. I have been thinking about this today, it is only 4 years but the connections are so much stronger than when Chris was here. I also thought about how Chris loved two countries especially - Spain - particularly Northern Spain and Croatia..... and my life is now so intertwined with both of them - Alex and Lara and Asturias and Rob living in Varazadin! Planning to visit both of them in the next month - to meet people who are so in my life - extraordinary.

In one email I wrote this weekend I said I was fearless and I am - I have no idea about where my future will take me, or that of my children, or my team at work - but even as I feel this uncertainty, I have no fear..... that's amazing. Fear is such a huge negative nonsense, it does nothing but 'petrify' ..... builds up bogies.. I learnt that from my lovely man ... Chris lived without fear - he had been run over by a train and lost both of his legs above the knees, lived in pain, yet lived a wonderful, happy and fulfilled life - WITHOUT FEAR - way to go!!!!!!

uncertainty............

am debating what to do.... which is interesting - I am increasingly living with such a strong feeling of certainty it is quite unusual to feel quite so uncertain! Wow - re-reading that - !!!! I know I live with certainty but seeing it in black and white is something else. Yes I do live with a very strong sense of certainty - it is very beautiful - I usually make decisions very quickly and feel very 'right' about them - that doesn't mean I always do the right/best thing - it means that I go with what feels 'right' at the time and then accept the consequences of my decisions - as 'what was meant to be!'

So I am living with a decision - probably quite a small one - but no decision is small as they all have consequence - my decision is whether to go to Spirithorse this weekend for an EI - and I now realise that I am trying to find reasons why not to go - which is weird because I was really looking forward to going - and part of me still does want to go - but there is also a part of me which really doesn't want to go - for some reason - as yet to defined.

Well blogg - I think I have made a decision - not certain why - but if I can write it so clearly that I don't want to go - then that is a feeling of certainty..... yet I hesitate - wow - there is a lot of uncertainty here!

OK - I think I am still tired from travelling - or more likely not sleeping whilst travelling - so maybe I should just accept this - sleep on my decision- I'm even hesitating to publish this blogg - I seem to have become a completely indecisive person - so if I am honest - which I try to be with my blogg - I should accept that I am going through a period of indecision - Ok and that's linked to feeling vulnerable and a bit lonely - but that's Ok too.

Proud and in Barcelona!

Today my son Alex had his viva for his PhD - and passed! Am so proud of him - am in Barcelona - which seems very apt - and poignant as I was here with Chris for New Year in 2005 when I got my MBE - both weird things really - meaningful yet also meaningless!

Buff - does question why we do what we do - day in - day out - the energy we put into our life works - wonderful, creative energy - and what we focus it on - I talked to Alex the weekend before last and he talked with passion about his love of the detail of solving 'bits' the day to day of physics experimenting - tiny bits of knowledge bulding on other tiny bits of knowledge - but he also has a BIG question that he contextualises his bits of knowledge within - his luck is to have a framework - physics ***** to focus in on.

Am at an amazing conference which is blowing my mind - and the tiny picture in the context of the big picture - and beyond - is where I am right now. Had such a powerful clarity of thinking this afternoon - will take quite a while to come down from! However the thinking is only a part of it - the 'feeling' of it is actually more powerful - buff this is also a roller-coaster - highs and lows - I always feel pain when in America - but the grief I grieved yesterday morning in Washington was immense - it was nearly over-whelming.

OK - so am in Barcelona - at a very stimulating conference, am also a proud mother of a Doctor and am living my life wonderfully - if rawly - maybe you have to feel grief to really appreciate joy.

Washington

Am staying at Brenda and Dan's in Washington and it is lovely, I have known them for probably about 12 years and there is something special about catching up with old friends. I haven't seen Brenda since her move to DC and we have both had loads to catch up on, so it has been a lovely couple of days, talking families and children etc etc. Brenda has gone to get her hair cut and Dan is preparing yet another feast and I'm checking in online for tomorrow's flights. So thought I'd have a quick blogg!

I also really enjoyed Arizona, both work and the place, and had a very good few days there. It was a very small seminar about 25 or so people, and a real opportunity to reflect and to think deeply. I loved it. We also got the opportunity to go out to the desert and I loved that too, big big skies.... and lots of cactuses.... the weather was also perfect, very dry but really sunny.. beautiful.

Things to do tomorrow then fly to Barcelona for another conference... strange where life takes you... and how blessed am I.

Strangely restless...........

I suppose it's because I'm travelling tomorrow - Tuscon, Arizona, then Washington DC and then Barcelona.... all good stuff and I will see some lovely old friends and I am sure to meet many wonderful new people - how lucky am I - and it's my job!!!

But tonight I feel unsettled and twitchy.... I love to travel, and to be in other places, I suppose I'm not certain at the moment where I want to be... but that's good too!!! I love my little flat - yesterday I had my Mum and Dad and two of my beautiful sons for Sunday dinner, and we were joined later by my sisters Ann and Fiona and little Aidan, so a perfect day....

Today work was busy, but that's good and tonight I went dancing which is always good... so not certain where the restlessness is coming from. Probably just getting ready to travel... it will be a long day tomorrow - it will be a long night tonight if I don't watch it as I haven't packed and got myself sorted, or eaten properly, or had a bath and it's nearly 11! Oh well I shall sleep on various planes tomorrow!

I have had a few amazing weeks, correction a few amazing months, no we are getting on to years - well an amazing lifetime... might not know what I'm doing but I do know I am extraordinarily blessed..... but that makes me feel restless, to be so fortunate is amazing...bufff I can't seem to write a blogg without going bufff - I am just so blessed.. suppose I shouldn't fight it... just accept how lucky I am .. and do my best to live my life accordingly.... so tonight I do seem to be in a pretty strange place... but not for long - that's me!!!

Away and back again...................

................and this time it's almost impossible to say where I've been.......

Ok physically to Bristol, Stroud, Devon and Dorset with lots of wonderful times, like swinging on the most perfect rope swing in the world hanging from the branch of a huge beech tree - over a very steep slope in the heart of a wooded valley. Being a child again, in the company of children, dangling upside down - being pushed in huge circles, rolling in golden, orange and red leaves, laughing with perfect joy.

Then a weekend of Ceremony, beautiful red rocked bay, enormity of what we did - jumping up and living again.

Then getting very drunk at the house of dear friends - abusing their hospitality.

So lots of extremes here.

Bufff - my life is one hell of a wonderful roller coaster!

Feeling very alive which is wonderful. Have also a very strong sense of not knowing - not knowing what next.... I could have never have seen myself being where I am now, and where I have been over the last few days, even a few months ago, but it feels very natural and evolutionary - it feels like just being... and amazing.. apart from last night which was actually also amazing because I don't usually behave like that.

So back home, feel my lovely little flat is really home, whilst I was away I bought a beautiful wall hanging which I'm just deciding where to put - women dancing - the bond is strong! Dancing through my life, with wonderful people, feeling at home with life as well as my flat!!

Inspiring...............................

Glowing with happiness after the Spirithorse Women's Lodge.... happiness being a word which represent something much deeper and even more beautiful! Trying to find the right words here .... and have just accepted that this blogg will just be full of superlatives and will be completely just one long stream of joyousness!!!!!

OK - so where am I - recognising and loving the fact that I am a truly delicious, beautiful and sexy woman... wow ... accepting this fact has not been an easy process... but it is a reality and one that tonight that I accept... buffff.....

Behind this acceptance is a journey, my journey.........

Beyond this........my purpose, my reason for living.................

So a lightweight weekend then!

So joyous, blessed, heartfelt, blissful - so don't expect any sense from me for the next few days..... life is just so fantastic and I am just so grateful.... but also so happy..... buff way to be..................

waves have peaks and troughs

It is Saturday night and I'm feeling very vulnerable,not sure why, but think it is all about recognising that life has it's downs as well as ups! I am quite impatient with myself because I am such a lucky person with so much in her life, I don't think I have a right to feel a bit down. I had a lovely week, was as high as a kite in Barcelona, on a roll, wonderful, ideas swooping and soaring, connections being made, recognised and loved.

But now I feel quite lonely, but also understand and recognize that everybody feels like this at some time, and many people feel like this much much more than I do. So I do question my right to be down. Renata has just skyped me, which was lovely and just what I needed, her enthusiasm and joy was beautiful. I told her I was feeling lonely, and in particular that I am missing Rob very much, I am also aware that I will miss Hector when he goes to India next Friday, his Visa having finally arrived! She commented very rightly that I have lived my adult life surrounded by men and boys. As Chris's wife and a mother of three beautiful sons, I have been so lucky to live my life in the centre of men and boys.

This had resonances with other conversations I have had recently, I am missing men in my life! That doesn't take absolutely anything away from my wonderful female friends but it is a fact as I have been so lucky to live my life with a wonderful man, and little boys who grew into wonderful men. It was also Chris's birthday this week and that was also quite poignant. I sometimes think that I haven't really moved on as much as I thought I had. Though maybe the reality is always two steps forward and one step back.

So I suppose, and accept, that the joy of life, the dance of life, is just not a straight line! Like all dances you go forward and backwards, so I am a dancer of life, like all of us, and my life goes forward, but it also does little pirouettes, twist and turns, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but always a joy.

This has been a good blogg, because by writing this down, although I am not writing it I am dictating it!! But by writing my blogg I have taken the time to recognize important things, it's okay to miss people, it's okay to recognize that two steps forward does involve one step back, the wave of living is reality. By accepting reality, I am able to find the happiness which is me and my lucky lucky life.

hooray for technology!!!

Well I have done it, finally got the technology of the voice operated software and the connections working at home, I also seem to have got rid of the little white Chinese ants which have been marching around my keyboard, and have a headset that works. like all these things, to actually get something working requires all the bits, even and especially those bits that you don't understand, to actually work together! However, I have done it so I can now do my first ever dictated Blog.

It's quite early on Sunday morning, and in a while I will go for a day's dancing, my heart sings at the prospect. Yesterday I passed all responsibility Roberts house to the agent, and tomorrow his tenant moves in. Jimmy is in Leeds, Alex and Lara are in the Netherlands discussing whether Alex should accept the job in Paris, and Rob is in Varazdin and tomorrow I go to Barcelona for a couple of days. What an international family we have become.

My new flat is very quiet, I can hear the sound of a couple of crows but beyond that nothing really, which is amazing when I consider that I live in the heart of a big city. Sitting here talking into my computer I can look up at the sky and see the amazing beauty of the clouds. I am really into clouds at a moment, when I went to London on Tuesday I was sat in the train looking at the clouds, like you do, and the light was pouring in across the countryside, looking like golden rain straight lines of light, pouring down onto the earth. It was so beautiful that I wanted to say to my fellow passengers, hey have you seen that amazing light, I didn't, though maybe I should have!!

The voice operated Blog, could well be quite different from previous ones, as it is a real joy just to talk and not to type, even with a fully functioning right hand I am still very slow typist.

So my life has changed again, I now have a new way of communicating, my family is spreading itself across Europe and my heart is singing with joy, and both the right and the left hand side of my body are excited at the thought of the day's dancing.

tonight i'm torn............

typing with one finger after a frustrating night trying to get both voice activated software and home computer connection working - have been very accepting - but!! - it's all about what I'm learning - but like life - reality is hard - learning is not easy - bufff glad I'm blogging - have struggled tonight and - bufff - going into acceptance .... it all makes sense..............

so much happening.. feel joy in my heart about this - but recognising - daily - that the pace of change is getting faster and faster.......

so i am in the strange world of one finger, left hand......... and it is slowing me .... but know that this is right... it is learning - conscious learning - wow - life is just amazingly fantastic - isn't it !!

it continues - but with left hand......

...my right hand/wrist has tendinitis - a story in itself - so I should not use my right hand - but I'm right handed!!!!!! so am now operating computer plus everything else - by my left hand - or left fore finger .... bonkers plus!!!!

Typing etc IS SO SLOW - with one finger left hand........... this makes work very difficult - but there is also - the reality that I am also loving the learning that this process involves - I only type what I must/have to/want to .............. because it is a real effort...

Anyway chose to blogg tonight - nothing to do with left hand - but because the emotion of last few days needed a home!

So Rob safely in Croatia - police certificate plus ongoing house legacy aside.... a result...

.......and Jimmy painting and taking responsibility for Rob's house refurbishment etc - what a star|

Alex & Lara back home in Cambridge - but facing - and addressing - lots of questions about their future....

Me here.... but totally accepting that I have to just be me ... one finger left hand - only responsibility being for myself... recognising what this means AND LOVING IT!!!

emotional evening............................

......... yes it was an emotional evening - Rob goes to Croatia tomorrow .... his house not yet finished.... but getting there.... work for us..... plus Alex submitted his PhD thesis yesterday - he seems pretty cool...but.......all here tonight ... me being in some kind of 'warp' ... bufff .. tonight the emotion between us all was palpable ..... and at times very painful but also really honest - love and loss............ the duality... not easy.

But in many ways a beautiful night ... I have had my personal couple of days of remarkable dysfunctionality - but tonight there was me and my boys and Lara plus Nita, Pat and Gilly ... family... doing what family does best which is to love each other - despite and because .........