Such a happy week.......

The first time I can remember being 'consciously' happy was around the time Jimmy was a baby - I recall really trying to hold onto every precious moment, treasuring the very special time of his early babyhood, being a family with Chris and my two big boys - 12 and 6 at that time .... consciously recognising my happiness and enjoying it for what it was - a beautiful time in my life.

For a while now I have understood/felt consciously happy a lot of the time - but this last week has been an especially happy time..... and my heart sings with the memories of such a wonderful week. It was a week of family.... witnessing my youngest son getting married, with such authority and calmness - being the man that he truly is now.

What a week for him - leaving Liverpool on Tuesday to meet Rachel in Prague after being apart for six months, moving into a new apartment, in a new city with all the hassle and financial stuff that this involves, having Rachel's parents and brother Ben staying with them during this time, organising the details of a wedding, having his Mother, two brothers and Lara pitch up - and being beautifully peaceful and calm and just getting everything done....... it was awesome to watch.

The wedding was really special, I am getting tearful and emotional recalling it. I was very weepy most of the time - happy tears but it was all just so beautiful.... running out of superlative words..... I had lots of Chris moments.... Prague was a special place for us..... and it was the happiest week I can recall probably since that time when Jimmy was a baby.

So I was consciously happy in Prague, being with my family..... and being ....... happy!

Came back on Thursday - work on Friday - a couple of lovely insightful moments - walked with Giants in Liverpool yesterday alongside hundreds of thousands of people - that was also special - the energy in the city was ENORMOUS - happy positive energy - it felt huge and healing. Then today I took my Mum over to my sister Jenny's and had a lovely family lunch - connecting with my great niece Livy and loving being 61 to her 6 - great days.

I am just so happy!!!!!!!

Packed for Prague!

What a busy week! And tomorrow I meet my boys in Prague and now our family includes Rachel and Lara - Rachel's parents and one of her brothers are also there - so we will be a big family group and such an international family!

I feel deliciously excited tonight and so proud of my beautiful boys - Chris would have also have been proud of them - of us all - his family..... I don't wish he was here - because I won't wish he is still with us.... but I do feel quite emotional as I write this blogg - Chris never met Lara and Rachel and will never meet his first grandchild to be born in France early next year... but yes he would be really proud of us - his growing family!

So I sit in my flat with my bag packed and tears in my eyes - just 'being' with the happiness and also recognising the duality of grief that lives alongside it. It feels very precious......

Feels like a BIG day!

..... so many things going on in my life - but today has felt special. The biggest thing - but also so natural and ordinary - was driving Jimmy to Manchester airport this afternoon to catch a flight to Prague - a normal part of our lives..... but today felt it felt like a big step - because from today Jimmy will be with Rachel for ever - until death do them part..... for the next couple of years in the Czech Republic then who knows where - but from today together......

They are a very beautiful young couple - apart more than together for the three years since they met in Washington DC in July 2011 - and they are also just so together.... next week they will get married in Prague and in January they will have a big wedding in Liverpool - but all the time surrounded by so much love - individually and now together - special.

So that has felt pretty big today and then the world of my work is also feeling huge at the moment.....

So lots of stuff going on - off to Prague on Friday - all the Jenkins family - bufffffff - it just makes me smile!!!!!

Singing in the Wild - being in a place of Ceremony......

I got back home last night - and have spent the day returning to this world...... after nearly a week away.

I wrote to Jenny earlier today....

Am home - had an amazing time - a lot of Ceremony - everything can be Ceremony - and we had the space and time to go there - I think you would love Singing in the Wild - it is just so enormous - like all these things when you surrender to it all...... we were a small group a total of 10 in the wildness of the Pennant Valley..... resonating through song and dance with the valley and ourselves. We did deep and powerful work together. Today I am feeling completely blessed and just BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!

It was truly wonderful - we all used the word vulnerable a lot because that was we did - made ourselves vulnerable and open - collectively going to an amazing place of being as one but being our uniqueness...... difficult to describe this.....

But that was what we did!

Today I have been gentle with myself - taking things slowly - I will return to work tomorrow - but today I have been relishing the resonance of the totality - letting it gently come to rest within my body....... bufffffffff what an amazingly beautiful world we are blessed to live in!!!



  

Special afternoon with my Mum......

My Mum talks a lot about death to me - I don't think she has these conversations with anyone else... well she told me today that she didn't...  but we have them a lot - usually when there is just the two of us together or on the phone.

She has concerns about dying, not fear....... but concerns...... and we talk about these..... today we went deep and during the conversation I looked at my Mum and she was 'glowing' ..... she looked so beautiful it was a truly amazing moment... a bit later I took her photo... the tears still there in her eyes..... but her smile speaks for itself.

It is special to be so close to my Mum.

x

I am making plans for my life after leaving Liverpool and my Mum is my main concern. It's still a year or so in the future........  but today I told Mum that I plan to leave the UK..... but I don't think she will remember though, but I feel I need to start getting the idea in her head.

I suppose it is the combination of treasuring the time with my Mum - as it is so finite - and the depth of the conversation...... made today a very special afternoon.

I have had a very lazy weekend, spend much of yesterday in bed - a lot of it sleeping.... the last couple of weeks and the light nights of Copenhagen catching up on me..... combined with a very late Friday night with Gilly.... Bit more energetic today - ran in the park and visited Chris's tree, then went to see my Mum.

So busy couple of days at work then I go Singing in the Wild again..... great stuff!!!!!!!

Eating Jelly Beans in Copenhagen.....

.... it's well after 10 at night and it's like daytime... I flew in from Zagreb this afternoon - a bit delayed due to the most torrential rain in Croatia, had a coffee with Florian at the airport - on his way home to Liverpool (briefly) and then went to the Tivoli Gardens after checking into the hotel - I have been trying to remember going to the Tivoli when I was 13 - an unbelievable 48 years ago!!!!! I will ask my Mum when I see her next weekend but doubt she will remember.... neither do I actually... just a faint sort of a wisp of a memory....

I have been phoning my Mum whilst away - quite complicated as she is not in her own room because of the flood... and she has been upset by not having a working telephone in her temporary room.... the change has been difficult for her - makes me think of what a thin line she is actually living - it doesn't take much to really undermine her.

Didn't get to speak to her tonight, though I tried, but had a long chat yesterday.... the trouble is she just doesn't remember - and it is getting noticeably worse.

So tonight I am on my own... decided to have an early night as I have to be at the conference venue by 8 - and am not totally certain where it is etc - but I don't feel sleepy and found a bag of jelly beans - which I can't stop eating - so have added a sugar hit to the lightness - but I have set my alarm - so will go to sleep sometime and hopefully wake up in time!

Kerry gave me the jelly beans and I brought them intending to give them to Rob - but didn't - they are the ones that have all the different flavours - I know I will just eat them until I have finished the bag.... they are very addictive....

... so wide awake in Copenhagen..........

Blogging from Croatia...

....... sitting in Rob's beautiful garden as he drives Kerry to Zagreb, waiting for the washing machine to finish and then I'll take Tommy the dog for a walk by the river Drava. It is very sunny and peaceful with birds cheeping and the wind blowing in the trees. There is an occasional car passing on the road and the whirrrr of the washing machine..... this is where one of my three sons lives... how strange it might feel but how ordinarily lovely it does feel.....

Varazdin is a magic place to me - and yesterday as Kerry and I walked through the old town before Renata's wedding it felt 'magic' ..... I wrote on Facebook the other day - I don't believe in coincidences I live them.... and Varazdin is proof of that... I watched a webcam in 1999 and now my life is intrinsically entwined with this part of Croatia, personally and professionally!

Having been very peaceful - the bells are loudly ringing at the Church next door, the washing machine has gone into overdrive and the dog has started barking madly at another dog on the street.... life can change so very quickly!!!!

Yesterday was Renata and Edo's long awaited wedding day - two young people now living in America, also entwined in my life.....

....... and today Kerry left - the Australian connection so very strong after two weeks of being together...... again both personally and professionally..... wonderful weeks of learning and thinking and joy. We both cried as she left and it felt poignantly sad.... surprising both of us with our depth of feeling...

But now I think the washing machine has finished and I will take the dog for a walk - like you do when you are home - this time in Croatia.......

Off again in the morning....

... for nearly two weeks.....

....... been dancing tonight which was lovely - haven't been for three weeks - I love dancing!

Off again tomorrow - lots of meeting in five countries but in the middle we will stay at Rob's and go to Renata's wedding in Varazdin..... lovely!

..... feeling tired but very happy - today was a red letter day!

quiet night in.....

....... which is lovely - listening to Nicolas Nicolby on audiobook - just had my tea, enjoying the lightness of a lovely June evening in my flat.

I am missing talking to my Mum - she is back in Abbeyfield after the flood but in a different room and without her phone. I know she's doing well as I have talked to Jenny but I really do miss talking to her - as I usually do most evenings....

.....I am going to see her with Jimmy on Sunday so that will be good.

Naples was really good - being a tourist and then the work - amazing young people from a very tough environment - it felt very special to connect and talk deeply with them.... which was quite extraordinary as I don't speak Italian - but Michela translated superbly - and I suppose because I am so often talking to non English speakers that I am quite good in expressing myself in translatable English... sometimes I also seem to be able to understand conversations... which is wonderful.

Got rather bitten by bedbugs in the hotel - been trying not to scratch - but they are going down which is good..... rather a lot to do at work before off again next Tuesday..... feeling good - if a bit itchy!

Being a tourist!

This weekend I have been a tourist. This is the second time in Naples this year and I have always wanted to see Pompeii - so I came a day early - going to Pompeii and Herculaneum as well. They were fantastic - different from what I had thought - I had imagined images from a schoolgirls text book - but the reality was amazing - 2000 year old physical history. I love houses type history - and the thought of this was where real people lived until one day their entire city was destroyed was so thought provoking. 2000 years ago people lived in these streets, bought and sold from these shops - watched theatre, including gladiators fighting to the death,  listened to music, bathed in public baths and lived very human lives........

Now I am living a very human life in the 21st century, taking photos with an iphone, posting pictures for friends around the world to see... talking briefly to my sons in three different countries as they met  each other on a Skype call - planning a family week in Prague...... what an amazing life! Shortly Michela will arrive and we meet up with some people to finalise tomorrows children's event.... another amazing aspect of my current life!

I have been feeling very excited over the last few days.... Edinburgh really focused my thinking and I returned from the conference quite high on what I could begin to see about the future..... and today was a cherry on the top of the cake day!

.... A strange week....

It's Sunday morning - early - and I am in bed - my Mum is sleeping in the next door room - a little figure curled up in my spare bed....... Abbeyfield where she lives - her home - had a flood on Thursday. - the cold water tank burst and went through the house. I'm not certain of the details but it sounds like her room, and the one above, were badly damaged and she has had to move out for several days. She has been at my sister Ann's, now mine and tonight Jenny's after lunch at Fiona's - our mutually busy lives just about overlapping enough!

My Mum was good yesterday, beginning to enjoy the unexpected holiday, but she is also very upset about  the uncertainty and her memory constantly trying to recall facts and details, which seem to disappear so quickly from her mind.

Jim came round for tea - I will really miss him in Liverpool from July..... when he moves to Prague.... He has a wonderful calm energy and presence...... and having him living just around the corner has been a joy.

I have just spend a few rich days in the Netherlands, work plus testing out ideas for my future plans..... It is all feeling right and exciting but also I know it won't just come to me..... I now have to do the work!

So breakfast with my Mum and then pack and off to Edinburgh for the week..... Will be spending time with dear friends as well as working..... Lucky, lucky me!

A wave just hit me and knocked me over...................

I was walking to work just now and I was trying to recall something - actually it was the exact times of my sons births.... when I suddenly had this really clear thought 'I'll ask Chris - he will remember' 

................  and it was like a wave of huge grief just hit me.

Haven't felt this for quite a while....

I do go to grief - often when I dance - but the unexpected wave has shaken me. So am in my office trying to prepare for a days work and just feel like curling up and crying.....

BUT now I have expressed it - thank you blogg - I already feel better.

Strange though how something can come so out of the blue......

Busy, busy......

Home and happy! Came back from Brussels late last Wednesday and the days seem to have just flown by.....

Cologne and Brussels were really good, packed full of lovely people and lots to reflect on..... this is a very special time for SiS Catalyst...... three and a half years on - fast approaching our final few months....now is the time to pull together all the strands of learning......

........ and it all seems to be coming together - in beautiful waves of insight. Not yet all clearly articulated but it is a great feeling to be able to begin to see where it is all going..... and increasingly I can see beyond the end of the year and this also includes into the next stage of my own life!

I am also feeling quite tired - working hard during the days and then just wanting to do very little in the evenings..... but that's OK. But feeling very happy and my feeling of happiness has been reflected in the beautiful weather we have been having.... It does seem to be an exceptionally beautiful spring/summer.... full of contrasts in the weather - yet the richness of the colours and abundance of the trees and plants has been especially strong - all framed in the blueness of the sky and contrasting rich clouds...... just lovely!

So busy, tired and happy..... Life's good!

It's Saturday night and I'm in Cologne.....

..... and it's quite late but I am not sleepy....

..... I love the unexpected..... and that's what I have had..... an unexpectedly great couple of days.

I will be travelling to  Brussels tomorrow and have planned that for ages and then I realised that I should  be in Cologne for this conference - I love my life as I am not even certain at which point I  realised I should be here..... but I did ...... and then I am here!

But I feel very strongly that it is so right that I should have been here and feel I have learnt so much from being  here....

Today I think so many things have just  'fallen into place'.......which just feels wonderful as I was going through a real period of not being quite sure where I was going..... I know I have made decisions about next year - going part-time from January - finishing of my work at Liverpool and moving on..... but quite what I was going to be doing was not clear to me...... but now it is!!  Love it.......

The details aren't clear but they are not important - I know what I am...... and now know what I should be doing.......  and this is the most important thing......

The knowing what I am has come as a bit of a surprise.... but again not really - it feels like I have just looked in the mirror and seen myself..... I knew who I was.....  but when you are inside yourself you don't really know how you look like to other people..... and now I have looked in the mirror - and thought:  "Of course!!!! That's me.... that's what I look like, that's who I am!"

I was beginning to see this after I came back from Peru.... but these last couple of days have really given me a clear insight into what I am.... and as a consequence what I need to do.

OK - sounds a bit vague but now I know what I want/need to do I just have to let the Universe do the  rest!

So tomorrow I meet Jolanta after breakfast and we will talk and maybe visit the Cathedral of Cologne and later I will get the train to Brussels for a few days of meetings... doing what I do now..... but also following my intuition as to what I will be doing in a year or two!!!!!

Isn't life just so INTERESTING!!!!!!!!! As my Mum said to me the other day.

xxxx

Not sure what's happening.....

... has been a strange few days - I had a virus/food poisoning - not sure what - but 3/4 days of sickness - it has been a joy to feel physically good today - been dancing tonight followed by a meal of  fish and rice - being hungry makes food really appreciated..... having written that..... makes me think that I don't appreciate food as much as I should, ordinarily.


Things at work have had elements of sadness recently that I have yet to really understand and life has felt strangely uncertain and 'rocky'..... I thought for a while what word I wanted to use there ..... I was thinking about journeys - walking on a path, or in a boat on a river.... 'rocky' being the terrain....  ...rocky could just be a little lumpy bit on the path/river - or could be huge obstacles... I think I mean manageable rockiness.. something that made the journey a bit harder work - but not really massively difficult/or impossible. I suppose that when life is a bit 'rocky' - you just have to go with the flow a bit more - accepting you can only do what you can do - and just doing your best.....

Yes... the journey has been a bit harder last week, not certain why..... the previous weekend had been so wonderfully joyous.... but maybe that's the way things have to go?

My Mum is good... I have so loved her memories of her birthday weekend.... all the details completely blurry.... she remembers who was there - she is very clear on that - recalling them individually with her memories around them..... she also remembers the sunshine and a beautiful feeling of the Spring - the beautiful budding greenness of the trees and fields etc that we drove through, walked and picnicked in.... but the details are lost. She is aware of this - she told me yesterday - "I had such a wonderful weekend but I just can't remember any of the details of the days, what we did etc"... even with photos to remind her.... the detailed memories are gone.

I think it is really important that she remembers the totality - the fact that it was a really wonderfully, happy weekend - the details of what and when are not important to the memory of happiness.... Buff - the small things are crucial in what we do on a day to day basis but irrelevant for our memories?

Maybe that is true - doing/living with the importance of the details is hugely important - remembering the details is not important - I will have to reflect on that.............

Feeling full!!!!

It has been a very special few days, memorable...... and tonight I have felt quite emotional as I sorted out photos.....

It was my Mum's 94th Birthday and with Jimmy and Sophie we went to a cottage in Wales for a long weekend, with my cousin Lizzie and Andrew joined by Evie and Michael.... and it was extraordinary and special.

My Mum was just so happy!!

To be 94 and to be so full of energy and happiness is truly beautiful. She is usually pretty cheerful, unless she has her back pain... but her joy throughout the weekend was just precious......

I went dancing last night when I got home and danced through a huge wave of emotion.... I was surprised as it was unexpected after such a lovely weekend..... but on reflection it seemed very right.

My Mum is very old - 94 - she has had a rich and fulfilled life and is now living her life with gratitude and appreciation - which is lovely - she hasn't always been like this - but particularly since my Dad died - she has changed.

Last night when I danced I was very aware that I was dancing on the edge of duality where joy meets pain.... being so close to my Mum and feeling her happiness.... knowing it is so very precious because it is so consciously finite.

Life is....................

          ........... for living!

Lovely evening in Krakow!

... today I woke in Liverpool - this morning worked from home - emails, phone, Skype .... went 10 minutes down the road to Liverpool airport - easy on time flight - dozed - was picked up at Krakow airport - hotel - Jolanta arrives - beautiful deep dinner conversations - now back at hotel blogging.

We discussed the Universe - and how things just happen - but maybe only easily if you are open to them. Loved the learning that Jolanta shared with me - her version of the SiS Catalyst journey - special and magical.

Don't know how we record - capture - identify (world of work words) this learning - but am feeling increasingly close to finding a way........ I am Buzzing!!!!!!!!

Whirlwind world...........

It does seem to be a whirlwind that I (we) are living in - time is a very strange dimension - and sometimes I think whole days/weeks have flown by and sometimes the present moment seems perfectly endless.

Am at home - go to Krakow tomorrow - but not for long - it's been a very busy time since I came back from Peru/Germany......  the wonderful thing has been the clarity of thinking which has stayed with me..... This last week I have felt really happy and fulfilled and sure of things - though actually things have been increasingly less certain!

Not sure what this means - but it does feel like a time of great change.

Change - embracing change - recognising that it is happening and not resisting it - is increasingly what I am sure about.... but with all this change going on - to be sure of anything is amazing!!!!!

Lovely evening tonight - a Wedding Skype with Rachel and her Mum - Jim and I in Liverpool - they in Qatar - sorting out the important little things.... then a funny conversation with Alex arranging a visit in May, and just how a long chat with Pat...... the importance of family is about those who you love and share your life with, worry about, care for, sometimes argue with.... don't necessarily see that often - but one of the joys of technology is to be able to keep in touch with...... if you choose to.......

It is almost impossible to write a blogg without recognising and feeling gratitude for all the multitude of things I have in my life. I am just so blessed.

Feeling on the edge of being overwhelmed,

... tonight I got back from Berlin after a two day conference in Halle, Germany... which I arrived at straight from Peru - well via Panama and Amsterdam.... and tonight I have been putting photos on Facebook.... they only tell a fraction of the story .... I looked at these photos and also talked to a dear friend on the phone and I am just so full of amazement at my life.....

Not just being where I have been... but the learning ...... I can see my learning - am almost standing outside myself  as I watch myself learn..... and the people that I have been so blessed to have met - wonderful, amazing people... of all ages.

This  is currently my Fb profile picture and I just love it..... I am feeling so alive...... and so grateful....... buzzing!!!!

time......

...... yesterday I gave my notice in at work! In 9 months I go part-time and sometime before the end of 2015 I will leave the University of Liverpool - I started working for the University in 1984 - so basically most of my working life!

I had one partner for over 30 years and one employer for over 30 years - not sure what that makes me..... maybe a creature of habit! Not how I would usually describe myself!

I do have a wonderful job though...... and on reflection I know I have made my own world of work - looking back I have made things happen... people often ask me how I ended up doing what I do.... and I have a very easy answer which may well sound simplistic.... I followed my intuition... I did not plan a career - I did what my heart told me was the right thing to do......  which many times was not always the easiest thing to do.......

Sometimes things didn't go as I expected or wanted ..... and there have been times when I was very frustrated by that.... but for many years now I have gone with my heart and it all just sort of happened!

Difficult to explain - but I suppose at the core of what I have done in my working life has been to try and make a difference.... and to try and make as big a difference as possible. Social justice - trying my best to do the right thing for the world.... Sounds pretentious!!! 

I also know that I was pretty fearless..... not going for the secure option - going to a risky place.... being an entrepreneur.... and being able to do that....  following my passion..... and getting money - looking back over the years a lot of money - around 70% of the costs for a team of up to 22 people - that was a lot of money!

And now I start to prepare for the next stage of my life.................... how exciting!!!!!!