Not sure where I am at the moment....

.... but it feels OK - in fact it feels pretty amazing - in a slightly weird and a bit spaced out sort of way! It feels like something has stayed from Spirithorse - a kind of beautiful peacefulness - which is slightly in contrast to my life at the moment - which could be a bit stressful!

My sisters Jenny and Ann are walking the Camino de Santiago and left on Saturday - they will be away 6/7 weeks - which is something that they have both wanted to do for a very long time, so that is special and important - and it means that Fiona and I need to support our parents - my Dad is back in hospital - and very frail - and my Mum is on her own and feeling lonely and depressed.

.............. and I just feel amazingly happy! I don't know quite why - my Father is getting closer to dying and my Mum is having to look at her own mortality - something that she has got to the age of 91 without doing before - so that is a bit of a shock to her system - she is actually just not going there - old age and death are for other people!! She is looking really beautiful, and has a child-likeness which is also beautiful..... she has also got an insight which I don't  think that she realises. For example when I talked to her on the phone last night - she said 'Your Dad's not really in this world anymore.' And she is right - he is not really in this world anymore - he is just so tired and frail - but very wonderful and caring - always thinking about my Mum - worrying about her.

I am filling up with tears as I think of how my Mother put her hand on my Dad's  - trying to connect in the impersonal awkward reality of a hospital bed and visitors chair.... and my Dad asking if my Mum had eaten soup - he talked a lot about soup - comfort food - worrying - then drifting away..... he is very old and very tired........... but my Mum just continues, talking, wanting to go swimming, wanting to go out and do things, forgetting a lot of day to day details but still so full of energy....

Energy - I have just been dancing and feel so very alive, awash with energy, buzzing and electrified with energy - though it feels a very peaceful energy - a calm and gentle energy - just a lot of it!!!!!

Perhaps I have to feel this good to do what I have to do over the next few weeks - or maybe people like me just feel happy and joyful - because it is where we are... I don't know - I do know I can see the pain, the grief, the fear and the longing - I can see it in myself as well as in others - I recognise it - but it is the edge - the point where joy/grief exist together that we live on - we just have to accept that and then decide which one to live with!

It all feels a bit bonkers!!!

..... and it does! 

Being back in the real/unreal world has been pretty hard - have talked to others - so know I'm not alone - which is always such a good thing to know..... 

I do think a lot at the moment - about what I know/don't know .... and know - that I actually know - very, very little - but also know that this in itself is so very exciting!!! 

But also know - that the unknown that we live in - is becoming more and more 'unknown' - yet more and more OK.

So what does this mean - well I'm coming to terms with being me - this working woman, mother, daughter, the woman of this world, with all that this involves... which does at the moment feel pretty unreal - but also recognising that this is also OK!

Think I am finally coming back down to earth after weeks in Peru followed by Spirithorse... whatever that means!!!!!!

Bufff!!!!!!!!!!! But remarkably peaceful!

Have just got back from the Cauldron of Plenty - Spirithorse - and not certain where to start....... My last two Cauldrons have been swirling mixes of chaos and huge events - feeling the real edge of madness and sanity - plunging into the maelstrom - and it all taking my journey forward in huge giant sized leaps.

This year was totally different - really, really peaceful, a beautiful harmony of belonging and clarity.... great, great joy.... but above all the happiness of family (the village)... of belonging - of loving and being loved - joyful but also really purposeful........ and I wasn't alone in my feeling - it was different for all of us - the last few turbulent years.... from well before I went to the valley - had produced a beautiful bud of clear intention...... and we were glorious!

This blogg probably makes even less sense that the others! It is very difficult to put into words - where we have been - to a place which is so deep and profound - way, way beyond emotion - a clarity of understanding which comes from a meeting of open hearts, in a special place. My overwhelming feeling is one of sense of purpose and clarity - which is a really good way to start a new working year... and it does feel like a new year, a clear start.

So physically very tired, with good reason - living life to the full!!!  Now back home - my little spare room full of a drying bell tent and damp groundsheet etc -  thankfully not too damp as it did stop raining most of today - unlike the previous three days and nights!

Clarity, gratitude and bursting with joy - though knowing deep in my soul the duality of this - how blessed am I - Always Happy...........

Home and happy

... and it's very late and I should go to bed - but am wide awake and buzzing after a lovely evening of talking on the phone to special people.... friends and family..... and hanging embroidered Peruvian things on my walls..... and coming back to this life.... and smiling a lot!!!

Got back early evening yesterday and after driving to the shops, and looking around the streets where the disturbances were whilst I was away, I went out to catch up with Fernando who has been here for a couple of weeks whilst I was in Peru.... which was funny.... and working today which was a bit surreal...  and then on Thursday I go to Spirithorse... that feels very good.

I think I have a lot to 'process' after Peru - at the moment everything feels a bit like I'm living out of a suitcase - with a bit here and a bit there, but it also feels happy - which of course is crucially important!

So I am happy, feeling excited about a weekend in the beautiful Pennant valley with wonderful people... that's special.... can't help but say it - as it's over-whelming - how lucky am I?

Tengo suerte - and it is just so true - lucky - but also grateful for all the amazing blessings that this life has given me. Wow - three camels, a llama, an alpaca and a vicuna now decorate my hundred year old Turkish carpet - bonkers but beautiful - way to go!!!!

Being recognised - is so wonderful

A short blogg as on phone - wifi - in a hotel in Aquas Calientes - the town closest to Machu Picchu..... the technology of both then and now - is just - AWESOME.

I am in awe and wonderment after an extraordinary few days - I called this blogg 'being recognised' and I have been - and am - and the joy is that I - ME - is also beginning to recognise - what others do... I love these - it's all so obvious moments - when your whole body tingles with energy and it's all so clear - wonderfully joyous!!

Another day here - and a night in Cusco - then we're of to Lima - I am excited.........

working in Peru?

.... how extraordinary! Tomorrow, hopefully Rene will arrive here in Cusco - her journey delayed by a day - she will be knackered when she finally gets here. Jim and I had another extra-ordinary day - a train journey from Puno to here - a full day of richness - that seems to be the word to describe Peru - rich.......

The other day we saw many condors - 10 at one time - sweeping lazily above and below us - just beautiful and special - then a day of boats and islands on Lake Titicaca - and now I'm in one hotel and Jim somewhere else and tomorrow the conference starts..... and of course I met a man on the train who is also going to the conference - with children links to Croatia and France - he's Canadian - so I will know 2 people - but suspect that I will link with several more. Am very excited about this conference as I know it is important to me - but don't yet know why - but of course that will become clear in time.

So tomorrow I must work - whatever that means - and do it in Peru - buffffffff!!!!!!

Being blessed......

......and knowing it. Jim and I are now well into our travels in Peru - everyday a rich mixture of sights and people - an amazing country - its history visible in its people and its landscapes - both extra-ordinary..... just love it... even more special to be travelling with my beautiful youngest son......

Got an email from a Peruvian friend yesterday which said - te lo mereces - which I translated as - you deserve it - refering to my happiness - I feel overwhelmed with emotion - how can I deserve to be be so happy and so blessed?

I am blessed and I am extraordinarily happy - how rich is my life? I must appreciate and be grateful for every precious second........

Today a drive through herds of llamas and alpacas to colca canjon, hot volcanic springs and hopefully tomorrow condors...... wow wow wow - soy bendecida y llena de gratitud xxxxx

Peru.......

Had just had 2 most beautiful days in Lima - life is amazing - you just never know what is going to happen - in this journey called LIFE!

Jim due to join me tonight - then we will travel around this extraordinary country - but the learning is about myself of course - am so happy!!!!!!!!

Strangely restless...

It's Sunday evening and I have had a busy weekend - but also moments like now - when I don't have anything to do - so thought I'd write my blogg!

Am getting ready to go to Peru - very early Tuesday morning and as I'm dancing tomorrow night I am all packed - a day in advance - unheard of!!! I should really clean my flat but it's half seven at night and I just can't be bothered - it's OK - I have done it superficially! Don't need to cook as had huge lunch with my parents - they doing well - it was really lovely being with them - they were both content.... good feeling - happy for me and with me....

Went to the dancers beach party last night - didn't stay all night - but it was great to dance outdoors - haven't done that for a while - since Turkey - and it was just fabulous to dance on the sand and witness the tide coming right up - and seeing the sky darken and the clouds glow... and just being outside - I do live so much indoors. Don't have a garden any more - but I do see the sky all the time from my convertible car!!!!! Unless it's absolutely pouring with rain - I have the top off! But I did enjoy being outside so much last night - should probably do it more often -and am sure I will in the future.

It's really interesting not knowing what my future will be, where I will go, how my life will pan out.... I am certain that there is another man waiting for me in the future, another lovely man - but when I will meet him, or where is from - could be anytime and anywhere! How exciting!!!!! I love my blogg - I write things without thinking - and am now smiling at what I've written - I think my future, my new lovely man and the outdoors are all linked - but we will see what we will see - I have an open heart and am just very excited about my future.......

My immediate future is a very, very busy day at work....... I worked so hard last week - not going to finish everything I wanted to - but had a good go - my office is also a horrible mess - but hey it's a productive happy mess!! Then off to Peru - wow - wow - wow - how amazing is that - I'm going to Lima and will meet some university people and then I'm due to meet Jimmy on Friday - he's in Austen, Texas at the moment - then we will travel - islands, Nazca lines, lakes and condors..... then ending up in Cusco where we will meet Rene - as we are going to a conference together - we've just been talking - my Montana sister - then the three of us will go to Machu Picchu together.. ... so holiday and a bit of work - but what a huge privilege my life is - utterly amazing......... I have no idea how I have ended up so blessed???

Thinking about that is what I do a lot - I suppose it's chicken and egg - I am lucky and I am blessed - and I can love and I do love - and I was wonderfully loved by one special man for over 30 years - so ..... and I continue to be loved and to love ... and am happy - very happy - a sort of glowing happiness from the inside - as I said - how blessed am I?????

Still a bit restless - excited in a holding myself sort of way - hehehehe!!!!!!!!!

Porto.......

Waking up in Portugal....... It’s a beautiful sunny morning and I am in Porto – after a pretty whirlwind week – last Sunday I woke in Cairo in a ridiculously posh 5 star hotel in a country of contrast and revolution.... still with me strongly that experience.... so much to learn from the desire/will to change – palpable and forceful like an energy in the air.

Then a busy week of Liverpool and Leeds, Alex’s graduation – emotional and charged with lots of Chris moments and reflections.... wonderful to see Alex and Lara together starting their new lives together in France... a ‘couple with furniture’ was how my Mother described them........ busy, busy at work with moments of sadness and witness of how hard it is for so many people to be happy in this lifetime.

It has also been a week of trying to eat/not eat anything which my Egyptian tummy bug agrees/disagrees with - it hasn’t agreed with much – apple juice, bananas and dry toast – it seems to tolerate – and it has been a week of eating out and dinners!!

My time in Portugal has been lovely, my hosts have been wonderful and I have learnt a lot. I love to visit other university models and for the first time in my life I do feel I actually have knowledge about something. I can see with some clarity an overview of how children’s university type activities are not only delivered, operate and are funded etc and also am able to reflect on how these fit into the university and educational systems and the role of key players etc – to see behind these to the level of acceptance of ‘change’ and the movement of energy around change....... ..... suppose that’s what I do now – to see and reflect and then to ‘know’ ...... it is amazing to have some knowledge – as I don’t think I have ever really felt I ‘knew’ anything..... I can’t remember details of names, events or facts but I suppose I can listen and ask questions and get a strong feeling about things.... bufff and then I don’t think - I just ‘feel’ – go with my intuition..... love it – bonkers but wonderful!!!

So it’s Sunday morning and I have shall have a leisurely breakfast of apple juice, banana and toast, might be brave and have some scrambled eggs as well! Then I shall explore the city of Porto... I have visited several Faculties and seen quite a few bits of the city and surrounding area but I shall just wander and see what I shall see ..... how lucky am I?

where I am now....

...is Leeds, staying in a B&B with Alex and Lara as today he graduates as Dr Jenkins! His Dad would have been so proud of him. Chris would be very happy and proud of all three of his beautiful sons, they are truly wonderful young men.

I suppose it is on days like today that I reflect on Chris not being here...... but the amazing thing about Chris was he often didn't do things, because he couldn't walk that far, but he was always so beautifully accepting of that - he never had to actually see, to be at things...... to appreciate them. For example he didn't go to Alex's last graduation, he was here with us in Leeds but my Mum and Dad went to the actually ceremony - which was a unique and very special occasion for them. So like everything because he accepted and enjoyed what he was able to do..... others had an opportunity which they wouldn't have had.......

My learning with Chris was huge... because I wanted to do everything, to experience things first hand, where as he could gain huge pleasure by witnessing..... Special, special man - how lucky was I to have been his mate for so many,many years? I don't feel him with me very often these days, but I do feel his peace constantly. I also know that my ability now - to accept and to enjoy the small things in life - is something that he taught me...... my heart glows with love.

It's very early in the morning and my body is still a bit wobbly dealing with something I ate in Egypt..... these things take time - it's teaching me patience! I had an extraordinarily wonderful time in Egypt - working in alignement with people who are embracing change.......... and they embraced me as an agent of change....... Remarkable!!!!! And I went to the Pyramids and rode a camel and was very, very happy......

Today the graduation ceremony then to Portugal on Thursday.......wow, wow, wow....I live in a whirlwind - but loving every second of this blessing called LIFE..........

trains home..

..... am on train home from London after dinner with very special group of people - after day conference on Aimhigher legacy - surprised how emotional I feel tonight - but glad I am here and feeling this..... it has been in many ways the last 12 years of my life!!! I was so glad that I was there today - it was such a combination of legacy and future.... real people now living on the edge ..... loved the fearlessness!!

So am on train on way home - listening to loud music on headphones - Mogwai - revelling in the technology - how cool is it to be on a train, writing a blogg on an ipad - just love the technology - I also just love the passion of today - some people have it - but there are also some people in this world who just don't have passion - who at the bottom level actually don't care enough about others, or themselves to be able to give anything - wow that is the hardest thing have ever said or written - about others - but felt I had to say it - buffff!

buzzing in Brussels - but gently!

Am in Brussels and feeling really good - it's Sunday evening and I have just had dinner with two wonderful young people and tomorrow we will spend a day working on Work Package 7 - that sounds boring - but the reality is just huge - and tonight we had a great conversation, sweeping and soaring and seeing opportunities - just love it - and it's my job!!!

Full on weekend really - I was up for 22 hours yesterday - very early start to run Jim to the airport - he's in Quebec now - then cooking for my Mum and Dad in the morning - loved that - afternoon with Paul and Sue - love them - visiting Pat - hard place but she's a fighter - then get changed and went to the Everyman Last Night Party - it was great - special for so many people - lots of wonderful connections and lots and lots and lots of dancing - just going for it dancing - great music - fantastic atmosphere - loads of sweaty bodies - dancing - fantastic - enjoyed it so much - thank you Vanessa I was thinking I was too tired but you got me there and I had such an amazing night.

So did nothing today but come back to earth and then flew to Brussels...... like you do....

The connections are accelerating - talking tonight about writing the bid - less than 2 years ago - but the ability to connect has already changed - we just have to see the doors that are open and walk through them - and that includes the doors that the technology opens for us - having no fear just walking through the door that is open in front of us - hey that's what it's all about!!!!!

clouds.........

Love it - thought I'd blogg about the fairly busy stuff happening at the moment in my life - hospital visiting etc and so much momentum at work with things to do etc..... and I write 'Clouds' as the title to this blogg!

OK - I am at the moment quite obsessed by the beauty of clouds - their colours, shapes, constant movement - they epitomise change - completely un-holdable - you cannot ever touch a cloud - they are just mist - but they are also just so solid in the sky. Their movement, beautiful shapes and colours - the light reflecting within, behind and around them - the way that light beams from and through them - just amazing!!!! OK I just love clouds!

Back to reality - Pat in hospital after a stroke last night - visiting her tonight - witnessing her fear - also knowing she should make a good recovery - 47 is young to be where she is....

Talking to my Mum on the phone - home but not happy - well emotional - and coming to terms with her next steps - wow - she's alive.... she fought so hard to be home - But she just doesn't want to be a 91 year old recovering from major surgery - home with her lovely old man - she is just so young at heart and she just wants to be YOUNG!! She is just not good at being old - and her youthfulness is inspirational - and she has all the impatience of the young - absolutely wonderful.

I don't feel young tonght - I actually feel quite old and tired - physically and also deep inside myself - but that's OK and it doesn't feel heavy - it feels right - so that's where I am.... it's still light so I will just watch some more of those amazing clouds and listen to my latest Jim music present - and it's not only OK it's wonderful.........

feeling many things.....

..... it's Monday evening and I've been dancing - for the first time for 3 weeks - I have so missed it - tonight in the warm up I was just so full of energy I couldn't do anything but dance! Then loved the flowing wave and went deep - and let go - which was what I needed - it has been a pretty tough few weeks - great weeks but tough.

Tonight my sister Jenny texted me to say Mum should be going home on Wednesday - which is pretty impressive - they talked about 2/3 weeks convalescence - but all being well it will be less than 1 week.

Witnessing my parents life over the last few weeks has been truly inspirational. I'm feeling very emotional tonight - the dance and thinking about my Mum and Dad - visiting them both on Saturday - and the love they have for each other - they met and married 66/65 years ago.... and the last three weeks has been so hard for them both - but it has also brought them more alive and conscious of their love for each other ...... in a way that is truly inspirational - can't think of another word......

Yes so tonight - after dancing - I have eventually stopped moving - I also received a little video from Rob for his Nan from Croatia, just perfect - Alex made one of Grenoble yesterday - his hostel, views of the city and an ice cream - this came about because I made videos of my parents house and my Dad for my Mum on Saturday - and then made a little video of my Mum for my boys - everyone a tearjerker!

So am home - my lovely Mum in hospital but fighting it beautifully - so strong - with such a will to live - my lovely Dad - coming back from his indifference to live - my sisters doing so much more than me - but also accepting that. So back to my mantra - how extraordinarily lucky am I!!!!!!!

wonderfully, deliciously and amazingly exhausted but totally energised!!!!!!

which is pretty mad..... but also where I am - after a week away - and just the most fantastic time...... the very best bit was the meeting of minds... and we did just that - and it was mind blowing!!!!

It was also exhausting - I suppose I could have gone to bed earlier and got up later, and I suppose I could have not put quite so much energy and enthusiasm into everything I did - but hey it was important and good work and I was with such amazing people.... I reflected on them in the airport tonight, on my way home, and felt such a huge wave of gratitude for the truly amazing and inspirational people that are in my life.

The SiS Catalyst Family and Friends are just so.............. open..... the connections went deep and strong..... and we have really begun to believe in what we are doing.... it was visible and tangible and just so so strong.....

It will be hard to explain what actually did happen but I like the concept of 'mind blowing' because that was what we did..... blow our own and each others minds! It was then followed by another conference which was rich with ideas but it did not have the pace and passion of SiS Catalyst - it was deliciously full of dear friends of many years and wonderful new people, connecting, connecting.... connecting...... I just so love this.

Home now, travel easy, catching up on my Mum's progress and my lovely Dad.. survivors.....

Work tomorrow so must go to bed... it's lovely to be home... and although I'm shattered I am also feeling very full of energy, sorting of glowing with it... can feel it coursing around my body... which is a bit strange but also pretty wonderful - buff I do think I am more than a bit bonkers!!!!!

Should be in bed but mind reeling.........

It's late and I'm off to Amsterdam tomorrow, haven't packed and will have a very busy few days...... but am trying to get myself to move to bed and an early start to pack...... but it doesn't seem to be happening!

Tonight I visited my lovely Dad, at home alone, though good, more awake than he's been for several months....and then my lovely Mum in the intensive care ward after her operation of last night. She had major surgery yesterday evening, and survived...... she is currently healing well ..... but it's early days.

Buffff!!!!!! Big stuff this life and death drama of existence..... felt so powerfully the point of being alive tonight... to feel the joy of loving the presence of my wonderful parents in my life... to have them, and their love for each other, as well as their love for me and all their family.......... but also so keenly conscious of the 'edge' between joy/grief... and reflecting on that - this is what life is all about!

So.... it is very late - I have a very, very busy few days ahead of me..... and am counting my many, many blessings xxxxxx

What I also learnt in Turkey.....

...... is that our eyes contain the energy of our Mother Earth.....

Well I've been to Turkey..................

................ and it was?????????

Well the words that make most sense are...heart warming...... and tonight at home - my heart is very warm/sensitive/open... and on reflection I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the intensity of the week.......

It was truly amazing though. I have never been to Turkey before and just loved how I connected to people - in an extra-ordinary way, and in many ways........... and not just once or twice, but again and again..... it was ... just that ... heart-warming - the more I do this - the more I connect with people, strangers, as well as colleagues and friends.. the more I love the connections I make, the joy of making things happen, recognising our creativity and our potential.... just connecting!

The conference in Ankara was just lovely - we were made so welcomed and the days and nights blend into a joyous memory of inspiration, happiness and amazing energy ... and dancing... truly magical... and it was good work.

Istanbul was different but also very special, a weekend on my own - in an amazing city, I am finding it hard to find words to describe how much I enjoyed it... it was a truly fantastical weekend - pretty bonkers but also pretty amazing. I feel I have learnt so much about myself this weekend... which sounds a bit weird - well not learnt - but consolidated thinking... like lots of things falling together like a jigsaw.. a lot of this is about me - and my intentions for the future.. which have been getting clearer for a while - it was like they all sort of settled inside me... recognising who I am.... going deeper and being totally honest with myself... and then just really being/living this person.. who by the way is pretty mind-blowing!

This intensity of love of life being magnified by my Mum going to hospital on Friday - and me being so far away but being kept informed... I called in on the way back from the airport and saw my Dad and will go with Jim to see my Mum tomorrow night - she was going to have to have an operation but it looks increasingly likely they can treat her without surgery. Which is good. My Dad today was amazing, he seems energised - his love for my Mother being his whole life.... and his pain that he wasn't able to use the phone on Friday because he is too deaf, when she needed to go to hospital.... and his comfort that my Mum had no pain when he visited her today, all giving him an increased reason/ability to live.... every second is precious when you are 94.............

Buff - this is life ... and sometimes it is so hard.. but also so beautifully preciously wonderful - my lovely Dad is so amazing.. he is home alone tonight.. my Mum in hospital... hard for both of them - on their own after a lifetime of sleeping together... he was so strong this afternoon.. inspirational.. all these thoughts adding to the Turkey wave of emotion!

So no conclusions here tonight... turmoil... but deep inside I am getting stronger...

Buffff that's what it's all about.

Camping.....

Every second of this wonderful life is precious.

It's Sunday evening and I have just come back from a wonderfully sunny and laughter filled weekend camping in Wales. Vanessa and I left work a bit early on Friday evening and drove down through North Wales to Snowdonia and the coast, to meet other lovely friends in Shell Island for a perfect weekend of camping. Lots of really special moments, a day on the beach, sea and sand framed by mountains, Minnie the dog on one and the funniest game of charades ever - adults acting out the rudest things that 8/9 year old girls could come up with!!!

So much laughter... but also time to talk, with special moments of deep conversations. The amazing joy of being in the countryside - the birds welcoming us awake and then serenading us at dusk, clear skies full of stars - with shooting stars - and the colours of the mountains with their many depths of green.... wonderful!

This evening of coming home, a beautiful deep bath and gentle domesticity..... I have been thinking about childhood.... something I have reflecting on a lot recently - talking tonight to my Mum........ my lovely Dad is now no longer wanting to eat, gently giving in to his tiredness..... I have been thinking a lot about his love for me, and how I accepted love as a natural part of my childhood...... increasingly recognising that so many people did not feel loved as children and how that is such a huge burden to carry around a lifetime of being an adult........

Increasingly understanding that the one thing we cannot control, change, take responsibility for............. is our childhood. We are born, where we are born, of the parents we are born of, into the family circumstances that we are born into...... and this then shapes us into who we are and this makes us the adults we become - so much learning.... and so much unlearning and remembering........ buffff!

Every second of this wonderful life is precious!!!!