Catching up with myself................

.... a quiet weekend, a combination of not going to the EI, having nothing planned and the weather. But it is amazing, I was talking to Margaret this morning - for 2 hours - I do have beautiful long phone calls with so many people - that I have hardly gone out of the house all weekend - yet since Friday afternoon I have communicated with so many people, email, phone, Facebook, What app, Skype.... in over 20 countries!!!! How staggering is that.. the technology is truly amazing.... One click away from... some quite passive - an email - some deep - long telephone conversations - I love my phone package - some short and funny touch base technology like texts - just a few words - wow it is really extraordinary - and now such a way of life... our children are growing up with this......Wow wow wow.....

So weather cold, just love my new flat - one switch away from warmth - small and cozy. Well I only keep one room warm - but it's just lovely, sitting at my window after a beautiful sunny day - it's now foggy and cold - weather to be indoors!

Have been invited to Croatia the week after next, which I am going to go to with Jimmy - and we will see Rob in his new land - and several dear friends.... so an unexpected journey - and lovely as they are giving me some form of recognition - how extraordinary is that - it just makes me laugh so much with joy.

I know that I have more connections than many people, but I also know that the connections are coming - young people increasingly connect globally. I have been thinking about this today, it is only 4 years but the connections are so much stronger than when Chris was here. I also thought about how Chris loved two countries especially - Spain - particularly Northern Spain and Croatia..... and my life is now so intertwined with both of them - Alex and Lara and Asturias and Rob living in Varazadin! Planning to visit both of them in the next month - to meet people who are so in my life - extraordinary.

In one email I wrote this weekend I said I was fearless and I am - I have no idea about where my future will take me, or that of my children, or my team at work - but even as I feel this uncertainty, I have no fear..... that's amazing. Fear is such a huge negative nonsense, it does nothing but 'petrify' ..... builds up bogies.. I learnt that from my lovely man ... Chris lived without fear - he had been run over by a train and lost both of his legs above the knees, lived in pain, yet lived a wonderful, happy and fulfilled life - WITHOUT FEAR - way to go!!!!!!

uncertainty............

am debating what to do.... which is interesting - I am increasingly living with such a strong feeling of certainty it is quite unusual to feel quite so uncertain! Wow - re-reading that - !!!! I know I live with certainty but seeing it in black and white is something else. Yes I do live with a very strong sense of certainty - it is very beautiful - I usually make decisions very quickly and feel very 'right' about them - that doesn't mean I always do the right/best thing - it means that I go with what feels 'right' at the time and then accept the consequences of my decisions - as 'what was meant to be!'

So I am living with a decision - probably quite a small one - but no decision is small as they all have consequence - my decision is whether to go to Spirithorse this weekend for an EI - and I now realise that I am trying to find reasons why not to go - which is weird because I was really looking forward to going - and part of me still does want to go - but there is also a part of me which really doesn't want to go - for some reason - as yet to defined.

Well blogg - I think I have made a decision - not certain why - but if I can write it so clearly that I don't want to go - then that is a feeling of certainty..... yet I hesitate - wow - there is a lot of uncertainty here!

OK - I think I am still tired from travelling - or more likely not sleeping whilst travelling - so maybe I should just accept this - sleep on my decision- I'm even hesitating to publish this blogg - I seem to have become a completely indecisive person - so if I am honest - which I try to be with my blogg - I should accept that I am going through a period of indecision - Ok and that's linked to feeling vulnerable and a bit lonely - but that's Ok too.

Proud and in Barcelona!

Today my son Alex had his viva for his PhD - and passed! Am so proud of him - am in Barcelona - which seems very apt - and poignant as I was here with Chris for New Year in 2005 when I got my MBE - both weird things really - meaningful yet also meaningless!

Buff - does question why we do what we do - day in - day out - the energy we put into our life works - wonderful, creative energy - and what we focus it on - I talked to Alex the weekend before last and he talked with passion about his love of the detail of solving 'bits' the day to day of physics experimenting - tiny bits of knowledge bulding on other tiny bits of knowledge - but he also has a BIG question that he contextualises his bits of knowledge within - his luck is to have a framework - physics ***** to focus in on.

Am at an amazing conference which is blowing my mind - and the tiny picture in the context of the big picture - and beyond - is where I am right now. Had such a powerful clarity of thinking this afternoon - will take quite a while to come down from! However the thinking is only a part of it - the 'feeling' of it is actually more powerful - buff this is also a roller-coaster - highs and lows - I always feel pain when in America - but the grief I grieved yesterday morning in Washington was immense - it was nearly over-whelming.

OK - so am in Barcelona - at a very stimulating conference, am also a proud mother of a Doctor and am living my life wonderfully - if rawly - maybe you have to feel grief to really appreciate joy.

Washington

Am staying at Brenda and Dan's in Washington and it is lovely, I have known them for probably about 12 years and there is something special about catching up with old friends. I haven't seen Brenda since her move to DC and we have both had loads to catch up on, so it has been a lovely couple of days, talking families and children etc etc. Brenda has gone to get her hair cut and Dan is preparing yet another feast and I'm checking in online for tomorrow's flights. So thought I'd have a quick blogg!

I also really enjoyed Arizona, both work and the place, and had a very good few days there. It was a very small seminar about 25 or so people, and a real opportunity to reflect and to think deeply. I loved it. We also got the opportunity to go out to the desert and I loved that too, big big skies.... and lots of cactuses.... the weather was also perfect, very dry but really sunny.. beautiful.

Things to do tomorrow then fly to Barcelona for another conference... strange where life takes you... and how blessed am I.

Strangely restless...........

I suppose it's because I'm travelling tomorrow - Tuscon, Arizona, then Washington DC and then Barcelona.... all good stuff and I will see some lovely old friends and I am sure to meet many wonderful new people - how lucky am I - and it's my job!!!

But tonight I feel unsettled and twitchy.... I love to travel, and to be in other places, I suppose I'm not certain at the moment where I want to be... but that's good too!!! I love my little flat - yesterday I had my Mum and Dad and two of my beautiful sons for Sunday dinner, and we were joined later by my sisters Ann and Fiona and little Aidan, so a perfect day....

Today work was busy, but that's good and tonight I went dancing which is always good... so not certain where the restlessness is coming from. Probably just getting ready to travel... it will be a long day tomorrow - it will be a long night tonight if I don't watch it as I haven't packed and got myself sorted, or eaten properly, or had a bath and it's nearly 11! Oh well I shall sleep on various planes tomorrow!

I have had a few amazing weeks, correction a few amazing months, no we are getting on to years - well an amazing lifetime... might not know what I'm doing but I do know I am extraordinarily blessed..... but that makes me feel restless, to be so fortunate is amazing...bufff I can't seem to write a blogg without going bufff - I am just so blessed.. suppose I shouldn't fight it... just accept how lucky I am .. and do my best to live my life accordingly.... so tonight I do seem to be in a pretty strange place... but not for long - that's me!!!

Away and back again...................

................and this time it's almost impossible to say where I've been.......

Ok physically to Bristol, Stroud, Devon and Dorset with lots of wonderful times, like swinging on the most perfect rope swing in the world hanging from the branch of a huge beech tree - over a very steep slope in the heart of a wooded valley. Being a child again, in the company of children, dangling upside down - being pushed in huge circles, rolling in golden, orange and red leaves, laughing with perfect joy.

Then a weekend of Ceremony, beautiful red rocked bay, enormity of what we did - jumping up and living again.

Then getting very drunk at the house of dear friends - abusing their hospitality.

So lots of extremes here.

Bufff - my life is one hell of a wonderful roller coaster!

Feeling very alive which is wonderful. Have also a very strong sense of not knowing - not knowing what next.... I could have never have seen myself being where I am now, and where I have been over the last few days, even a few months ago, but it feels very natural and evolutionary - it feels like just being... and amazing.. apart from last night which was actually also amazing because I don't usually behave like that.

So back home, feel my lovely little flat is really home, whilst I was away I bought a beautiful wall hanging which I'm just deciding where to put - women dancing - the bond is strong! Dancing through my life, with wonderful people, feeling at home with life as well as my flat!!

Inspiring...............................

Glowing with happiness after the Spirithorse Women's Lodge.... happiness being a word which represent something much deeper and even more beautiful! Trying to find the right words here .... and have just accepted that this blogg will just be full of superlatives and will be completely just one long stream of joyousness!!!!!

OK - so where am I - recognising and loving the fact that I am a truly delicious, beautiful and sexy woman... wow ... accepting this fact has not been an easy process... but it is a reality and one that tonight that I accept... buffff.....

Behind this acceptance is a journey, my journey.........

Beyond this........my purpose, my reason for living.................

So a lightweight weekend then!

So joyous, blessed, heartfelt, blissful - so don't expect any sense from me for the next few days..... life is just so fantastic and I am just so grateful.... but also so happy..... buff way to be..................

waves have peaks and troughs

It is Saturday night and I'm feeling very vulnerable,not sure why, but think it is all about recognising that life has it's downs as well as ups! I am quite impatient with myself because I am such a lucky person with so much in her life, I don't think I have a right to feel a bit down. I had a lovely week, was as high as a kite in Barcelona, on a roll, wonderful, ideas swooping and soaring, connections being made, recognised and loved.

But now I feel quite lonely, but also understand and recognize that everybody feels like this at some time, and many people feel like this much much more than I do. So I do question my right to be down. Renata has just skyped me, which was lovely and just what I needed, her enthusiasm and joy was beautiful. I told her I was feeling lonely, and in particular that I am missing Rob very much, I am also aware that I will miss Hector when he goes to India next Friday, his Visa having finally arrived! She commented very rightly that I have lived my adult life surrounded by men and boys. As Chris's wife and a mother of three beautiful sons, I have been so lucky to live my life in the centre of men and boys.

This had resonances with other conversations I have had recently, I am missing men in my life! That doesn't take absolutely anything away from my wonderful female friends but it is a fact as I have been so lucky to live my life with a wonderful man, and little boys who grew into wonderful men. It was also Chris's birthday this week and that was also quite poignant. I sometimes think that I haven't really moved on as much as I thought I had. Though maybe the reality is always two steps forward and one step back.

So I suppose, and accept, that the joy of life, the dance of life, is just not a straight line! Like all dances you go forward and backwards, so I am a dancer of life, like all of us, and my life goes forward, but it also does little pirouettes, twist and turns, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but always a joy.

This has been a good blogg, because by writing this down, although I am not writing it I am dictating it!! But by writing my blogg I have taken the time to recognize important things, it's okay to miss people, it's okay to recognize that two steps forward does involve one step back, the wave of living is reality. By accepting reality, I am able to find the happiness which is me and my lucky lucky life.

hooray for technology!!!

Well I have done it, finally got the technology of the voice operated software and the connections working at home, I also seem to have got rid of the little white Chinese ants which have been marching around my keyboard, and have a headset that works. like all these things, to actually get something working requires all the bits, even and especially those bits that you don't understand, to actually work together! However, I have done it so I can now do my first ever dictated Blog.

It's quite early on Sunday morning, and in a while I will go for a day's dancing, my heart sings at the prospect. Yesterday I passed all responsibility Roberts house to the agent, and tomorrow his tenant moves in. Jimmy is in Leeds, Alex and Lara are in the Netherlands discussing whether Alex should accept the job in Paris, and Rob is in Varazdin and tomorrow I go to Barcelona for a couple of days. What an international family we have become.

My new flat is very quiet, I can hear the sound of a couple of crows but beyond that nothing really, which is amazing when I consider that I live in the heart of a big city. Sitting here talking into my computer I can look up at the sky and see the amazing beauty of the clouds. I am really into clouds at a moment, when I went to London on Tuesday I was sat in the train looking at the clouds, like you do, and the light was pouring in across the countryside, looking like golden rain straight lines of light, pouring down onto the earth. It was so beautiful that I wanted to say to my fellow passengers, hey have you seen that amazing light, I didn't, though maybe I should have!!

The voice operated Blog, could well be quite different from previous ones, as it is a real joy just to talk and not to type, even with a fully functioning right hand I am still very slow typist.

So my life has changed again, I now have a new way of communicating, my family is spreading itself across Europe and my heart is singing with joy, and both the right and the left hand side of my body are excited at the thought of the day's dancing.

tonight i'm torn............

typing with one finger after a frustrating night trying to get both voice activated software and home computer connection working - have been very accepting - but!! - it's all about what I'm learning - but like life - reality is hard - learning is not easy - bufff glad I'm blogging - have struggled tonight and - bufff - going into acceptance .... it all makes sense..............

so much happening.. feel joy in my heart about this - but recognising - daily - that the pace of change is getting faster and faster.......

so i am in the strange world of one finger, left hand......... and it is slowing me .... but know that this is right... it is learning - conscious learning - wow - life is just amazingly fantastic - isn't it !!

it continues - but with left hand......

...my right hand/wrist has tendinitis - a story in itself - so I should not use my right hand - but I'm right handed!!!!!! so am now operating computer plus everything else - by my left hand - or left fore finger .... bonkers plus!!!!

Typing etc IS SO SLOW - with one finger left hand........... this makes work very difficult - but there is also - the reality that I am also loving the learning that this process involves - I only type what I must/have to/want to .............. because it is a real effort...

Anyway chose to blogg tonight - nothing to do with left hand - but because the emotion of last few days needed a home!

So Rob safely in Croatia - police certificate plus ongoing house legacy aside.... a result...

.......and Jimmy painting and taking responsibility for Rob's house refurbishment etc - what a star|

Alex & Lara back home in Cambridge - but facing - and addressing - lots of questions about their future....

Me here.... but totally accepting that I have to just be me ... one finger left hand - only responsibility being for myself... recognising what this means AND LOVING IT!!!

emotional evening............................

......... yes it was an emotional evening - Rob goes to Croatia tomorrow .... his house not yet finished.... but getting there.... work for us..... plus Alex submitted his PhD thesis yesterday - he seems pretty cool...but.......all here tonight ... me being in some kind of 'warp' ... bufff .. tonight the emotion between us all was palpable ..... and at times very painful but also really honest - love and loss............ the duality... not easy.

But in many ways a beautiful night ... I have had my personal couple of days of remarkable dysfunctionality - but tonight there was me and my boys and Lara plus Nita, Pat and Gilly ... family... doing what family does best which is to love each other - despite and because .........

... deliciously bonkers...............

Well the wonderful combination of the weekend followed by dancing tonight - has left me feeling just that - deliciously bonkers!!

I danced crazily tonight - it felt like I was arguing with my whole body - but also joyfully accepting the argument - danced the whole night relishing being lopsided - see what I mean about completely bonkers!!

In the circle at the end - I said I had had this argument/struggle and someone said he thought I had danced 'very honestly' which was a wonderful thing to hear - because that's where I was - open and honest - though it must have looked and certainly felt pretty bonkers!!!

The other side of this is that - ' deliciously bonkers' is also a very good place to be - to be living my life - to be consciously alive - to breath - to exist in human form - to be what we are - a unique being and to be all that we have in this lifetime.... is wonderful - but also deliciously bonkers - the only way to live!

A weekend going deeper.........................

......... and I did! Absolutely amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A few years ago - can't remember when - but after Chris died - I asked for 'teachers' - did my own version of a ceremony to bring them into my life - as at that time I felt so bereft and lost - I wanted 'teachers' to tell me the solutions, the way forward, the way out.....

..... I have blogged before about the 'teachers' in my life - including recognising Chris as such a huge teacher in my life...... I still want to recognise their importance but this weekend has fundamentally changed my thinking about what they actually do ....

Firstly I do, from the bottom of my heart, recognise how important they are... but it's exactly what they do - that I now know... from beautiful first hand experience.

Teachers are 'Guides to Learning' - they don't 'teach' - by giving you answers - they 'enable your learning.' .... by giving you the space for you to learn.... or 'holding the space' for learning...

... because that's what's also changed this weekend - my understanding of learning.... I have now moved on from 'learning' to 'consciously learning' ... wow ... that's like the difference between ' being happy' and being 'consciously happy'.... wow wow wow!!!

I have just returned from a Tantra weekend where along with 8 others I was enabled to explore my 'Energy Body' ( by a brilliant teacher) and where and how it links with my 'Physical Body'. Truly beautiful and wonderfully amazing...... but the biggest thing I got from it was about 'learning'....

... my learning.... and wow ... how much I am learning .... so so so much ... my world is deep with learning ... truly beautiful conscious learning... and being so aware of what I'm learning. The bufff bit is how that everything that I have learnt - about myself and who and what I am (EI questions!) cannot be taught but must be learnt ... or more precisely remembered - because the answer to these questions is not learnt, cannot be taught and must be remembered. Which of course I knew!!!!!

So I have been deep within myself, enabled by a fantastic teacher, and remembered so much... bufff am truly blissful tonight.....

back home....

.. head still full of Mum and Dad... it was a truly special week.... got back yesterday afternoon - found my Mum's walking stick in my car when I got to Liverpool! - today has been quite a hard working day ... called round with a bacon butty for Rob - as he has no kitchen - and ended up working with him to tile the kitchen floor! We worked well together - the pressure is building up - he goes to Croatia a week on Saturday - and the house is still serious 'work in progress' - though after today he does have a tiled kitchen floor!!

But it was lovely to be helpful.. cos I've not really done anything on his house - and he has done so much... on his own.. he has never really done much DIY - so to completely gut and refurbish a house in 2 months is pretty impressive - and a lot of hard work - I think he has really missed his dad - as Chris was a great person - 'to be there' - when you needed him - to talk through stuff etc and I haven't been there for Rob - too busy flitting around the world - doing my own thing - also in some ways - Rob had to do this on his own....

Yes .. am so proud of Rob... also know that we have (as does he) unresolved stuff - but also love the fact that we are just getting on and living life with this knowledge - recognising that we can 'cat and dog' very easily - though neither of us knowing quite why... and hey maybe we will never know ...... and that sounds like a way forward!

So - here I am daughter - and mother - doing both the best I can - but also recognising that I have to be me first - can only do the other two when I am happy being me.........

Healing.............

....tonight - my beautiful Father - a man of few words these days - because he is so deaf - just couldn't stop talking .... for wonderful hours - he just talked and talked and talked....... about his childhood, his parents, his brother and sisters, his friends, his uncle and other members of his family, his early married life, his daughters, his life, his regrets.... it was a truly wonderful night...... feel very overwhelmed by it .... but also feel it was a night of healing for him and for my Mum ... who listened ... she didn't always want to ... and that was part of my role to over-rule her ..... so my lovely Dad talked and talked and talked.... and me and my Mum listened to him.... buffffffffff.

Loving this.....

.... life feels very fragile - and am very conscious of this.... have had wonderful deep conversations with both my parents - and my lovely cousin Lizzie - the fragility is the time - so short - our human lives - and the sense of opportunity - to be here - and to be able to have these conversations...... wonderful.

Last night I talked with my Mother in a way I have never done before .. totally honestly and totally open - both of us - really really beautiful. I had been dancing in Totnes with Lizzie - her first time and a pretty intense session to start with! My parents had waited up for me and my Mum just really wanted to talk - so we did !!!!!! The dance had left me very open and I think my Mum saw this and wanted to come with me - there are lots of ways of describing our conversation - and they are just that - descriptions - what I want to say is what it 'felt' like - which was such a precious feeling of how both of us were totally connected - it was truly wonderful (full of wonder.)

Today was lovely - one lost walking stick and a bit of a slow start - but the strong sense of rightness and treasuring of the joy of today - conversations, closeness, details which if not right are wrong! - eating together and a lot of laughter - buffff - holidays with nonagenarians are something else!!!!

Poignant day ....

Finding this very emotional - and I'm just doing this for a week - recognised today - that I have friends who have put their whole lives on hold whilst they cared for their elderly parents - made me feel very humble - and in genuine awe at the sacrifices they made.

I suppose I am also feeling very close to my parents mortality - everytime they climb the stepladder stairs to the 'Crows Nest' - for a start!! - also trying to treasure every moment of preciousness - like going to the pub with my Dad - and yes he did the stairs after 2 pints - amazing!!!! The joy of cooking for them - loving their appetite - wasn't really too worried when my Mum got lost this morning - it's been a long day!!!

But wonderful 1st, 2nd and 3rd cousins being here and being family - that's special - being close - by being open - buffff!

bufff emotions....................

Am in Devon with my amazing and very elderly parents - lots and lots of emotions involved with this - on so many levels - which also includes lots of hard to face stuff.

Where I am and where they are - their current total dependence on me - as they are in such a completely strange environment - but also so up for it - and embracing and coping with this - I do love them so much for this - my Mother's wonderful lack of recognition of the reality of their physical capabilities - my Father's humour - harsh - and poignant - the knowledge that I will never have another holiday like this in my life.........................

Details - a completely inappropriate house - on three levels with galley like stairs - wonderful views - but down a cobbled pathway - with no parking........ an amazing house of seafarers with flags and barometers and model ships - but for two frail elderly people - bufff bonkers!!!! - so glad I am here - this would have just been impossible without me - and my Mother's recognition of this - was not easy for her - my Father's acceptance is inspirational.

So I am here - can't remember ever in my life feeling so needed - and what else can I say - think I will have to blogg more this week..............

Getting back to normal..................

........................but hey - what is normal? OK am in Liverpool - that's not always normal for me - and actually feel physically well - and that combination just hasn't been here for several weeks - so it is Sunday morning and I have new music - Jim brought a memory stick of music for me yesterday - which I am loving.

Yesterday was a lovely day - Jim and Rob came round for breakfast - early afternoon - and I cooked a huge fried breakfast and we did the quiz - with Alex and Lara in Cambridge via Skype - it was great - we just had the computer on the table and it was just like Alex was sat there - though he was on his lunch by then!

Then we decided what we will do at Christmas and New Year - as of course we no longer have a big family house to do things in - so we are all going to my parents for Christmas and then Rob, Alex and I will go to Lara's family in Gigon - so I spend ages booking flights - complicated as Rob will be coming from and going back to Croatia.

All change - he is going to work in Varazdin leaving on the 2nd of October - race is now on for him to finish his house before he goes - as that will be rented out - it's currently a shell - though it has now got central heating, water and electricity - which is an improvement on last week! Alex has to submit his PhD by the 30th of September - so the end of September is going to be another point of change for the Jenkins family. Except maybe for Jimmy who is starting his second year - and is just so laid back and happy - and looking so big and gorgeous - shortish hair and a beard!

So Friday night - I made dinner for Hector - we are now friends not teacher and student - we talked about the last nearly two years - as I spoke more to Hector during this time than anyone else - usually twice a week. We laughed at quite how bonkers I have been during this time - truly wonderfully bonkers!! He also said that I had been a good student and how much I had learnt which made me feel good - though I know I can talk in Spanish so much better - but still struggle to understand the spoken word - reading I'm getting a lot better at - well in terms of understanding the generality - booking flights on a Spanish website tested my skills yesterday - will you be taking a pet with you? - is not a standard Easyjet/Ryanair question!!!

Hector should have been leaving for India this weekend but is still in visa no man's land - but hopefully he will be going in a couple of weeks - that's another amazing thing - because when Dr Viswanathan said conversationally he was looking for a native Spanish speaker to head up Spanish in the VIT - I texted Hector and by 11 the next morning he had been offered the job!!! So we will always be good friends as our lives have now become really intertwined.

Saturday night out with Gilly - lovely as we hadn't talked for ages - and of course we did - drink wine and talk - wonderful - I am just so lucky to have such wonderful friends. Today it's family - a lunch for my Dad's 93rd birthday - can't help saying it - how lucky, lucky lucky am I.

So feeling very happy - recognise the responsibility that goes along with that - feel like I glow with happiness - I think that I do pass this to others - would like to think I do - have been thinking about this - consciously passing happiness back - the meaning of life!!!