Walking...............

..... is amazing - but also just something that most of us just take so much for granted.

One of the joys of blogging is never knowing what you are going to write...... so where did that come from? Well............ I have just come back from a delicious weekend of walking in the Peak District with a group of 7 other women, one sister, one cousin and 5 friends - and it was just perfect.... the weather was unbelievably amazing - completely clear skies for 4 days in the UK!!!!!! Sunshine, strong winds and although a bit chilly (under-statement) on occasion - just amazingly sunny - wonderful walking weather. So we didn't climb serious mountains - but we did walk respectable distances - up and down - and this was more or less challenging for us individually ...and it was also wonderful.

......and it has left me reflecting on something very very basic - our ability to walk!!

OK - so walking...... most of us just take it so much for granted - we just put one foot in front of another - for what ever is normal in our lives - and for some of us, this may be miles each day - but for many of us it is from a house - to a car - to a work place - to a car - to the shops/home etc.... so not a lot of walking really.

But walking is a joy.... an absolute and amazing joy.......... but something that we just do without thinking about - I probably should have understood this earlier - as I lived with a man for so many years that couldn't walk any distance at all... but I don't think that I have really appreciated the enormity of how amazing the ability to walk is!!

... thinking about it - it obviously goes beyond our feet - to appreciating the wonder of our bodies... our ability to walk only being a tiny, tiny part of what else we can do! But I don't think we recognise this enough - we don't stop and say 'Thank-you' enough to this wonderful vehicle for our life ... our body. It is an absolutely amazing thing.. its ability to do things - like walking - day in and day out, one foot in front of another ..... without us even thinking about it - wow wow wow - amazing...... AND WE JUST TAKE IT ALL FOR GRANTED!!!

... I think this explains my current passion to give people foot massages!!! Now that desire did seem truly bonkers - when it first occurred to me - I started a year ago in India - but I really enjoy it and am now loving the fact that I am getting more confident about doing them, I just love the connection and the opportunity to give recognition to the wonderfulness of feet - OK I am bonkers!

Am also recognising that in order to cope with the turmoil of the world I have to recognise and embrace life in manageable chunks - the small steps which are the necessary precursor of anything else..... Living in appreciation of the small things make everything and anything possible..

So have enjoyed a wonderful weekend of walking with sisters etc ... in near perfect conditions - and massaged 5 sets of feet - so bufffff - life's very amazing, completely unpredictable ... but joyful ... and the only way to do this is by loving every wonderful, precious small step.......

Glowing....

.. laughing because I am glowing - a 5 day road trip in an open topped convertible has left me with a wonderful glowing feeling - and OK a face that is a bit red too!!

It has been wonderful - I visited Brighton and Devon - staying with family/friends - and it's so lovely because increasingly my friends are my family and my family are my friends............

I also stayed with small boys and chickens - and thoroughly enjoyed both..... encouraged boys to play Dukes of Hazards over the back seat of the convertible - doesn't everyone want to do that! and collected eggs - then turned geese and duck eggs and 'candled' them - and gained a wonderful insight into the love and care of animals - special.

I also went to a Hen Party (haha) in a teenybopper club in Torquay, swam (briefly and with a lot of screaming) in the freezing cold sea and had lots and lots and lots of wonderful conversations................

So back home with lots of photographs of boys and chickens and glowing with happiness.

Today I had a long drive - but it was so good - the sun was shining and I chose to go through the Welsh/English border on smaller roads rather than the motorway.... and the trees and countryside was just so green, wild flowers everywhere, the beauty of our Earth is just so amazing - OK an open topped car does bring you closer to it!! - but it was truly, truly beautiful........

reflecting more on pain...........

... so I finished my blogg and switched off my computer and was just settling in to go to bed.. when for some reason I decided to read it on my phone - technology!!!! When I did - I felt I needed to continue with the blogg!

What I reflected on was pain - individual and also collective pain - the pain of all of us - I also thought about how we as human beings can feel this pain...... and to do so is our humanity.

So to feel pain is to be human.. (recognising that animals also feel pain)... but that we can take it to an art form! To be human is to have the potential to be creative ... and that includes being so horribly creative with our pain... and the shit we throw at ourselves! OK profound thoughts over - now it's time to go to bed!

A lovely evening of laughing............

............I do laugh a lot, which is a very wonderful thing to be able to say... but I do! There is a thing that 'you get back - what you give' - I don't know about whole lifetimes but on a day to day basis this seems to be true to me. If you go through life grumpy and miserable, nothing makes you happy - but if you laugh - people around you laugh and smile - you get laughter and smiles back.

I think a lot about Chris... all the time really... and how he lived with pain, excruciating pain, there were several levels of this and I know I have written about it my blogg before... but he lived with pain.. putting on two big heavy artificial legs everyday - like wearing an enormous pair of shoes that rub your feet raw, but that he needed to walk with - so every step was painful.... and then neuralgia, constant nerve pain, sometime acute... and acute for days, weeks and even months.... fierce, sharp, knife twisting pain,... that racked his legs night after night..................looking back my eyes fill up with tears of compassion... my beautiful man LIVED WITH PAIN......................... but you know what he NEVER EVER COMPLAINED!!!

Didn't make him a saint but it did make him the most extraordinary teacher.

That's interesting I've just had a beautiful evening - improvised theatre - which I joined in - followed by a quick wizz in the BMW - with the roof down - of course - to take a lovely dancer home - and a lot of laughter - mainly when standing upside down!! So joyful and fun - loved and loving - then I write about Chris's pain... I suppose that's what's life's about - laughing, loving, giving and receiving and having compassion for those of us in pain......... which of course at sometime is all of us - but not complaining!!

Boy I'm blessed!!!!

Not knowing ... but knowing.....

Know I'm not the only one who's living with this huge sense of knowing ... yet not knowing! I think we all probably are - and we just have to accept that we know and that we also don't know... bottom line 'what will be - will be' - sounds like a song title!!

I am loving being me at the moment.... I am truly joyful and I am especially liking, and enjoying, the small and beautiful shared recognition of happiness which occur when you catch eye contact and share a wonderful smiling beam of shared joy.... with a total stranger... who of course is not!

It's Thursday evening and I have just been shopping with Becki, so proud of her... we of course went in the BMW with the roof down..........I am just enjoying the car so much - it just makes me laugh and driving with the roof down - laughing - I just get welcomed into other people's worlds, they let me in at junctions, smile, wave, motorcyclists shimmy their leather clad bottoms and I am greeted - and it is just so much fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talked about it last night with an old friend... I think because I am happy, joyful in my beautiful car, happy and enjoying life... people recognise this and respond.... wonderfully... I think this is also true of the shared beaming smiles... I'm living happiness and so that's what I get back.... I do notice that when it happens - it is given with great pleasure, the eyes say .... I recognise you and we connect..... wow!!!!

So another day at work and a weekend of birthdays, music, theatre and family........ wow wow wow - how blessed and happy am I!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joyful - feeling lighter (but also still a bit bonkers!)

Just back from Amsterdam - it's funny how normal this feels...... I had very busy time but good - can see/feel things moving on - they have been a bit stuck for the last few weeks, but lots of wonderful shifts have occurred and the changes feel beautiful - and accelerating!!

Loving the technology of all these connections, the ability to communicate in so many, subtle ways - with people around the world: face to face, Skype, emails, texts and the short - touch base - 1:1, 1:subset of people - known and unknown - but all communications - ... including via this blogg... we now have the ability to make connections, at so many levels, so easily, globally!!!! Truly extra-ordinarily wonderful...................

Amsterdam is a special city for me ... went for the first time as a child 9/10ish (I think) can remember a museum full of 'Old Masters' big and dark, and my Dad driving - with a bit of difficulty/argument - from a back seat child's point of view... fleeting memories.

Then many a happy weekend/few days with Chris - including his 50th birthday and the starting point for our back- packing holidays so special, good times.... happy, happy memories.....

Then on top of this over 10 years of Trio students/staff study tours and summer schools....... huge learning experiences for both them and me! The legacy of all this is sound, not always easy but good learning... and all in a wonderful and I think truly bonkers city! Felt a new understanding of the city over the last few days... as I was there working with such an increased depth of knowledge - in so many way!!

Spring.... a time of awakening!

Earlier this evening Jimmy and I went for a walk after a Sunday dinner and admired the million of beautiful daffodils nodding in Sefton Park. They are wonderful - a Field of Hope - planted years ago as part of a Marie Curie Cancer research campaign - can't remember exactly when but within my children's lifetime - by the local community and schools etc and now a real springtime feature of Liverpool ... and I can see them from my window this year!

It has been a weekend of spring flowers. Yesterday I had discussions in Krakow about magnolias - their budding, flowering and petal fall - across Europe........... Portugal well fallen, Poland see photo and Romania not yet visibly budding.


Then Jim and I had a Skype chat with Rob - who was on his laptop in a bar in Varazdin, it ended up very communal with us talking to the guy who runs the bar with an audience!!!

So I get back from Poland this afternoon and whilst the dinner is cooking, Jim and I companionably chat to Rob in Croatia - and his friends!! The technology and pace of global communication is truly extraordinary...... and we talked about magnolias.. and their role as heralds of spring... it has never occurred to me before this weekend that they do this anywhere but in my world - Liverpool!

So this spring, with beautiful Polish magnolias, we officially constituted EUCU.net. A group of us, 20-30 people from 11 countries representing over 73,000 children - recognising our shared commitment and passion. Wonderful, inspiring ideas becoming reality..... doing what we have to do, recognising that we are also a growing family. So we did, what we did with love and much laughter..... beautiful companionable, joyful laughter... several people had brought partners and children and their presence was also lovely, family......

Then I come home to my Liverpool family... spending some time at Chris's Beech Tree - as I felt a strong need to do that. I remembered Chris a lot in Krakow - through talking about us going there in 2000 as part of the 'back-packing' holiday - but also by talking about him in 'going deeper' conversations with people who know me, but don't know my history... all part of new family building.

Back to magnolias - I said to Jim earlier that I had my first big feeling of loss about moving from Cheltenham Avenue when I realised that I would miss the magnolia in the front garden. We had planted it above where we buried Beryl the dog - a lovely tree which has been growing over many years - just realised probably over 16 years - I still think of it as a sapling! But this year I will not wake up with a special Magnolia outside my window - but this year I wake every morning with a million daffodils and a growing understanding of the magnolias around the world ......heralding our shared spring.... wow still blessed and still waking up!!!!

crazinesssssssssssssssss!!!

.......................and it does feel pretty crazy to be me at the moment. I veer between two people, one of whom is being herself and doing OK, being sensible and surviving in this world - the other one is really quite wild.. goodness knows where she is ........... truly bonkers!!!!

It's not what I'm doing.... though that is pretty unpredictable.. but more about who I am ... I suppose this is at the core of this .........the who am I? The EI Question - tell me who you are?

So what does this mean to live with every day... well a bit of a double life... but I know I am not alone with this feeling of being in two worlds... talking, Fbin, seeing ... life is not straightforward... and you know what ..... if we knew the meaning of life... it would all be so simple!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fast time..........

It's unexpectedly Friday - two strike days, a lot of pressurised work in between buying a fancy new car..... then driving it around a bit!!! My week has just flown by. It seems really weird to be Friday - cos it only feels like Tuesday!!

Am at home and have been reading some bloggs and watching YouTube etc from/about Japan - feeling very inspired by their courage, dignity and humanity... extraordinary....

Reflecting on the wonderfulness of humanity.... we take it for granted because it is us.... we are humanity... yet we are so very quick to judge, criticise and not recognise our wonderfulness, strength and sheer ability TO BE .... to love... to create.... to cherish... to make music... to love despite.... to be truthful... and to be HAPPY!

We have such a strong tendency to see only the negative aspects of ourselves - both as individuals and as a society.. and to overlook the day to day specialness of the wonderful small things we do for each other... from a smile to a lifetime's sacrifice.... we really do give... we really do love... but you know what - we don't recognise it... we just judge ourselves ... and we should really just love ourselves... just a little bit more xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

truly wonderfully bonkers!!!

........and enjoying every moment of it!!

Today I was on strike - because it was the right thing to do - I didn't go on the picket line... but I didn't work either - however I did do something pretty crazy instead - test drove five of the poshest, fanciest cars that I have ever seen!!! Now where did that come from?

I have never been into cars - enjoyed their functionality and crucially their empowering mobility for Chris, but cars in my life have been a way of transporting boys, dogs, stuff - getting from A-B - they were also a lifeline for my lovely man - so we had several cars but all bought with a view to his mobility - for Chris really... and the boys ... and the practicalities of our life.

So I know I have never been 'into cars' - not able to tell one from another - not understanding their status....... only really aware of their practicality rather than anything else - ask Gilly!! I have just never really thought about cars - but today after my various test drives - I bought a white BMW convertible - Sports version - a swanky posh car - wonderfully bonkers - and decidedly out of character - 2 of my sons think it is hysterical - 3rd one has yet to comment - and wow - what I am doing here - being wonderfully bonkers!!!!

So on Thursday - another strike day - I collect my fancy convertible car - and have no idea where the next bonkers idea will take me............. what a ride!!!

Full moon and feelings of change..............

It's Sunday evening after a very lovely weekend.... Friday - Gilly and I drank too much wine in Esteban's and celebrated her booking her flights to Australia, a powerful emotional night where we talked deeply and wonderfully... so a good start to the weekend.

Saturday I cooked lunch for my parents - and Jimmy and I went over and treasured our time with them - and did some gardening... my Mum is in good spirits and my Dad is just so special, life is getting harder and harder but he just puts so much effort into living.... wow he is truly inspirational. We also planned Jimmy's 21st Birthday party - afternoon - Saturday 21st May at my Mum's and Dad's - let me know if you'd like to come.

Then last night I went round to Fionnula's to sit in her garden in the light of the hugest fullest moon I'll ever see.... and today - even though it wasn't visible, it was even bigger.... and I have certainly felt that there is change or lunar/lunacy in the air this weekend!

Today I went shopping with Becki - what a joy to see her flourishing... talked to Rob who was looking at a flat in Varazdin and then looked at cars... which against all my natural instincts was good fun!

So it's Sunday evening... I'm tired ... don't know why but I have been sleeping badly for a couple of weeks now ... waking up at 2/3/4 and then struggling to get back to sleep. I am feeling tired in my physical body.. but also feeling I'm living on such a roller-coaster, big peaks and troughs, huge changes swirling and whirling around me and everyone, everything, global changes... wonderful and exciting changes!!!!

So tonight reflecting on being at this point of change.... very conscious that I'm increasingly open to changes, so maybe am seeing/feeling more than previously.. but also do feel that the world is in a real process of change... so happy and a bit tired but also aware of how blessed I am....... to be here, alive and part of the changes!!

big stuff going on......

Back home - after potentially a 4 country meal day: France - breakfast, Belgium - lunch, Netherlands - dinner, UK - supper. Didn't quite work out because there wasn't a lunch at my meeting in Brussels, and I ended up not being hungry in Amsterdam - but I don't think I've ever had a 4 country meal day potential!!!

Back home, feels good... though weary.......... but also more than that... conscious of the fear that is coming out from around the world ... sitting in Schiphol airport watching unfolding news about Japan... talked and reflected on this now back home.... reality, life and death makes all the nonsense hassle of the day to day so remarkably unimportant... however the small things, details of life are fundamentally important...... we do what we must do....... yes .. not easy .. but we do what we must do..............

Blogging from Paris

It's Monday morning and I have been here in Paris since Thursday evening. We had a really good but hard meeting on Friday of the Core Team of SiS Calalyst. The amount of work is potentially overwhelming, I'm seeing this very strongly in my team in Liverpool, and to a lesser degree with my partners. I don't currently feel overwhelmed by it all, but I am beginning to recognize what a huge task I have set myself and others around me.

Then having got to that stage on Friday, I spent Saturday with a slightly different set of people, pulling together, as Coordinator, another big bid for submission by the end of the month. I wrote in an e-mail recently, I must be mad to being doing this, and there were some points when this felt very true. However, after a day of nearly switching off, mooching round flea markets in Paris with Stephanie, it all feels just about manageable!

Sometimes it is very strange to be me. How I see myself, and how others see me, or more precisely, how I see - others see me, seems to be completely different. More generally, I suppose this is true for everybody - that the person who we are to ourselves, within ourselves, is just not what other people see. Yes, we live in a world of mirrors but the reflections are interpretations, made by ourselves, not a true representation of what we are.

So today I have a morning, to write/dictate up the last three days, then this afternoon I'm off for lunch, to meet some people here in Paris and see their project - which is very exciting. Tomorrow I go to Brussels for a meeting of people like me - Coordinator of big EU projects, I am fascinated to see what they look like, I have a feeling they won't look like me. Then from Brussels to go to Amsterdam then home.

The me, the inside of me - does 2 things when I look at what I’ve just written – one part of me looks at this woman travelling around the world and sees an experienced older woman, doing what she thinks is good work - the other me looks at this woman through the eyes of a child and sees a little girl laughing and dancing with the colours of the rainbow that she sees reflected on the world that she is lucky enough to live in.

Wow – but goodness knows what anyone else sees!!!!!

back again...................

So another layer of the onion skin removed, going deeper again... back home and still reeling - mind I've only been home half an hour.... the joy of this house is I'm home and sorted in less than 30 minutes - washing on, bottle in bed and tea brewed - and that's from the airport!

So 4 days dancing, wonderfully deep, heart wrenching exquisite dancing, soul exposing, truthful and beautiful dancing, open and vulnerable dancing and how more truthful can we be type of dancing................

So not the easiest kind of dancing...... not jumping for joy and having a laugh dancing, but all the more special for being what it was... hard... but that's good too.

OK just thought about this - I have the busiest hardest week of my working life and for a break I go dancing to 'The Edge and Beyond' which was what we did............ I could have had a rest!!! But you know what I'm glad I didn't.. I'm glad I continued to push myself.. both physically and spiritually and it was amazing... danger of superlative overload here... but it was just that amazing.....

I am now home, after a wonderful chance meeting with someone I used to know on the plane - a flight of wonderful conversation, followed by a meeting of minds with my taxi driver... so a long day which started on an Andalusian mountain top , waking up early and meditating with the beauty of the place.. we then ate - simply abundant food - ceremonially - and danced between Medicine Circles to complete the work of the previous days and to conclude the work of our time together.

What does this mean? Well I'm blessed - but anyone who's read the tiniest bit of this blogg know that!! I'm physically very tired.... but still feel really full of energy tonight... I also am feeling vulnerable... felt very lost in Malaga airport tonight - big place.. lots of people... very alien - but I know that's where the dance took me - to vulnerability - also know that's it's very brave to be public about this - strong people aren't supposed to be vulnerable - but of course we are - and the more we recognise this the stronger we become.

So proud of myself, knackered and a bit wobbly!!! Says it all xxxxxx

going dancing.......................

........... leaving tomorrow morning early for Malaga then up to the mountains for 4 days of dancing - to the Edge and Beyond..... just what I need. It's been a hard few months and I'm ready to dance - the teacher is 5 Rhythms/Shamanic so I know it wont be easy but it will be ...... going to the Edge and Beyond....... getting excited!!!!

Can't stop blogging..........

The turmoil in my life is growing..... know so clearly that I am not on my own - all of us are going through this turmoil.. some more conscious of it than others.. the difference feels a spectrum between fearing/not accepting and embracing change... ..transformational change .

Struggling to find the words as this is such a strong feeling/longing.. reality being the day to day.... but the joy of this is that I now work/exist amongst those who understand.. am aware that this also means that I 'operate' with those who must think I am completely bonkers!!!

Such an exciting weekend....

.. and also very emotional, a weekend of real transformation/change and I had such a wonderful role in it .... just being me .. but so glad that I could physically be here for Becki and her very special Mum and Dad... and also my Mum tonight....

OK .. there is a very long story here.... short version my niece Becki and her beautiful toddler, Aidan, moved into their own house this weekend...

Their stories..... are complex, painful, beautiful yet despite some of the most difficult times... full of love... increasingly recognised... by themselves... by all of us....

Had the most wonderful conversation with my Mum tonight, didn't need to explain, just needed to shed tears of joy, which we did, as I talked about being in the Supermarket yesterday with Becki and Jimmy .. being blessed by doing something so small as a supermarket shop .. but something so huge as a supermarket shop - Becki's first - feel it's difficult to get the words right and express how special it was to just be there.... Jimmy, Becki and I - extraordinarily special.

So Sunday night after an amazing week and weekend, very tired..but very alive and full of energy... wow how lucky am I........................

Made them happy!!!

Am pretty exhausted - 3 amazing days and nights, wonderful, yet probably the hardest days work I have ever done.... but what happened was extra-ordinary..... and we did it!!

It's late 2.00 - Friday night/Saturday morning - it's been a very very long day! I was emotional earlier on this evening - as it was not easy..... and sometimes, even though I knew I was doing my best.... it still felt, and I think was, very very hard....

But - it was absolutely and truly wonderful - Wonder Full!!

Bufff - so I am joyous... in awe of the people who are now - firmly in my life- 3 days like we have had - we are connected for life!!! I also tied them all up in string at some point - so we all know this...

Tonight finished with dancing - which of course it had to and that was also perfect - Alma de Cuba at it's best - deliciously bonkers and scouse... just loved it.... so a euphoric blogg - Rene leaves tomorrow early, then I will pick up Renata for breakfast with Jimmy, then Raul later.... exhausted, joyful and so so blessed.

Loving the fact that I did my job - recognised this and was also recognised - and ended up making them all happy....... (though also know some are still confused about what it all means) but hey this was the kick off meeting for a 4 year - ambitious project - hahaha - and yes some of us will be confused, but that's just an opportunity to learn!!!!!!

Kicking Off!!!!!

...... and we are... 70+ people from around the globe spent this evening taking Children As Change Agents to the next stage ...... of becoming a reality... and it was truly wonderful.

I am pretty exhausted, woke very early this morning about 4.30 and it's now 20 hours later and I have been talking, listening, recognising , making wonderful reunions and connecting people all day.... I should be exhausted but am not ... flying high - kite like - I will have to stop at some point!!!! But hey maybe not !

I held the space for everyone tonight.... it was not easy... but I was well prepared, well supported and had only invited those who had the capacity to come with me ... and we did... we went there..... wonderful, natural and the way it was going to be... I am feeling so energised ... I just wanted to dance... I did earlier on when Rene and I came home, I just had so much energy in my body, it just needed to dance!

Tomorrow is a day of transition as others take steps forward... and I take steps back...joyful... I know my role - I told them all tonight, my role is to keep them all happy - simplistic but true... it went down very well, I just love this... they understood!!!

Energy..................

Have an amazing amount of energy at the moment.... I woke up at 4.30 this morning - didn't get up for a couple of hours but was happily awake, had a very busy day at work, danced for 2 hours, talked to Rene and others and it's now after midnight and I am absolutely wide awake... never felt so alive!!

Not certain what's going on here.. but this is quite normal for me ... though it doesn't actually feel 'normal'... feels good and really quite wonderful... but it doesn't feel normal!!! Not certain what normal is any more... the more I learn, the more I understand, and the more I know I don't know!

Could just be that this is such an exciting week... people arriving, feels like an great big party is about to start... which is good. Could be I'm connecting to other energies around me, could be all sorts of stuff... and hey probably is!