People in my life

I have been here in Vilnius at a really good conference - I haven't seen the old town yet - but today I am having a day on my own - so I will walk and walk - which will be good - as for the last three days I have been sitting at the conference - though I did dance last night at an amazing event in a medieval castle on an island. Our Lithuanian hosts have been absolutely fantastic and it has been a wonderful conference in terms of hospitality - also in terms of content - and also having the F7 bid meant I was having different conversations with people - and they were also very productive and exciting!

Wow, wow, wow I am just so blessed!!!

This is an international conference and we had come from 62 countries – but I have heard things and met people – with whom I have connected to in an extra-ordinary way. I think this is because I am increasingly open to people and am also concentrating and focusing on what people are saying – and behind what they are saying. I am beginning to also ‘push’ the connections – when I meet someone I connect with – I just jump straight in!!!

I suppose this is what I have been doing all my life – but propelled by a real sense of urgency and an increased sense of consciousness – I am living my life quite differently. One of the major things is a lack of expectation – when I connect with people it is not for anything – it just is!

As Jackie Coleman said to me last year in Houston – everyone is in your life ‘for a reason and a season.’ The important thing of this is that the others are in MY life. I am obviously in a lot of other people’s lives – dear blogg readers including yours - but that’s not my priority.

I am becoming clearer that I have to ensure that I maximise the ‘reason and the season’ that every single person is in my life i.e. for me to really appreciate and treasure the time that I have with all the many people in my life. I don’t think I can see the reasons why they are in my life – but I do feel I have a really duty to cherish the fact that they are in my life – I am just so so blessed and to recognise this, and to appreciate this, is very very important.

So a day off in Vilnius – the sun is shining and it looks a perfect day - then tomorrow meetings in the morning then off to Brussels and lots and lots of work - wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moved!!!

It was a wonderful ceremony and a great party - and I have MOVED!!!!

I feel like a little girl playing 'house' in my new flat - it is just so lovely!! I feel so grateful for all my wonderful friends and family who have helped me so much over the last few weeks - crazy, crazy weeks.

Looking back - how did I manage to do all that sorting and moving, all that work stuff and have a date with a nice Italian man, in such short period of time!!!

One more night in this house......

Woke up this morning reflecting on the years I have slept in this bed - in this room, in this house. Thought about sleeping with my beautiful Chris for all those years and about three little baby boys cuddling in with us. Writing this has made me fill up with emotion.

Wonderful years, happy years, full of love, babies, little boys, dogs, so many friends, so much laughter, joy and happiness...... my lucky life in this lovely house.

I am so pleased that Kirsty is going to ceremonially enable me to say a proper farewell and thanks to this house. I want to thank it for being the place where I and my family have lived for these decades. It has been a wonderful home and we have loved it and it has been filled with warmth and our laughter, ooh and the odd tear and tantrum!! For years Chris and I used to have an argument every Saturday morning!! So the house has been full of life - breathing, beautiful life - and for the last three years it has felt our deep sadness and been my shelter whilst I have been getting ready to leave this stage of my life.

So here I am - ready to leave - and feeling ready - a busy day at work - I am beginning to understand the amount of work involved in coordinating this massive project - so excited about that too.

Ceremony at 8 - party at 9 - dancing till dawn then move!!!

Something profound is happening here...

This morning I meditated and went somewhere new...... and it was extraordinarily beautiful.

I try to meditate most morning, giving myself the time and space to go inside myself and to find peace and joy. But this morning, with Rene on the bed behind me, I went to somewhere new, deeper and even more glorious.

I felt that I wanted to record this so am putting it on my blogg.

Rene and Margaret have gone to the conference and I will shortly join my Austrian family to continue working on the F7 proposal – yesterday they gave me a fridge magnet which says:

Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.
Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.
Just walk beside me and be my friend.
Albert Camus

Which as the Coordinator of the whole project I think is good advice!

So am in Stockholm walking with my friends....... wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Being in Stockholm

Is just lovely - arrived last night with Margaret after a long week at work - finally got the letter of confirmation re the F7 bid at Friday lunchtime - that's such an amazing thing - it just changes so much - I think I put on my blogg a few months ago - if funded - my life changes - and if not my life changes - but I'm now the other side of the euphoria of the news and looking at what this will actually mean - and it means a lot of change!!!

To start with it changes my relationship with a lot of people and I am really starting to think through what this means. But and it is an amazing but - most of the partners in the bid are already part of my life and this just enables these relationship to extend and deepen.

As I write Rene sleeps - she arrived this morning from Washington and we had a wonderful lunch and tonight Harri arrives and tomorrow the Croatians and the Austrians, dear, dear friends as well as wonderful colleagues. And then a lot of other people from Monday... wow I am just so amazingly blessed. There are so many amazing people in my life – but all people are amazing – I think the thing is being open – being open to the amazingness of people and them being open to themselves!!!

So my life has changed again – another doorway has opened and I’m standing at the threshold and feel ready to go through. I recognise that going through will change me and I cannot see past the threshold, but that’s fine, my future is unknown – and in the unknown anything is possible!

And yesterday I went back to a complete stranger, very nice Italian man I had been chatting too, and gave him my email address and asked him for his!!! Wow – never done anything like that before – but who knows what any small action will lead to!!

So I will focus and appreciate the small things and look for happiness in all I do and surrounded by love, walk through the into my unknown future – wow wow wow – way to live!!!!!!!!!!!!!

camping!!

It did seem to be quite a strange thing to be doing so close to moving - but it was just amazingly perfect to go camping for the weekend!! And it was a perfect weekend.... I kept hearing the Lou Reed song 'Perfect Day' going through my head - and I can't believe it was actually a weekend because it felt so much longer!!!

It was just so good to be outdoors, uncomplicated and fun - never been there before - but I loved Shell Island - and I just loved the whole outdoors bit - lovely company including a dog Minnie - and oh yes the uncomplicated and fun bits were also excellent!!

Coming home to a pretty nearly 'sorted' house was also good - still got several evenings of 'sorting' to go but I have just done so much - to think that at Easter I hadn't even thought about moving at all - and all going to plan - I will have moved in two weeks time - that's pretty cool!! I will also be going to Stockholm this week - getting home for one night - then leaving party then move!!!!

Wow wow wow - just love this change - recognising that it's pretty accelerated but just enjoying the ride..............

My life in photos

Some of you will recognise the photos taken from the montages around the house - especially the kitchen! - and some of you will recognise yourselves as being part of my lucky life. Now gone from my life - I'm glad I got AB to record them for me.

Having a wonderful time......

I am just so happy.... life is such a joy. Woke up early and have had a quick sort - two kitchen cupboards!! I am a sortaholic at the moment - just sorting sorting sorting!!! Hector says that there isn't a Spanish word for 'sorting' - in the way that we use it - but I couldn't think of any other English word which describes what I'm doing with my house at the moment apart from just SORTING!!!

People have asked is it painful, emotional, upsetting to sort through all these things, my things, Chris's things, the boys things, Chris's Mother's and Aunt's things ... loads and loads of things... but it's not upsetting or painful, it's such a pleasure when I give them away or they are recycled and become 'wanted' by someone else - because they are not 'wanted' by me or my boys and wonderfully liberating - if they just get binned!! Have felt responsible when things are over 100 years old - but feel so happy with the thousands of choices I have made over the last few weeks.

That's the thing about 'sorting' it requires a choice to be made. It is physically quite draining but I intersperse sorting with meditating, not sitting in a corner, ommming type of meditating - more the kind of internal finding peace in myself type of meditating, which just leaves me smiling!!! Sometimes I listen to loud music but mainly I have done it in silence. I have not had the radio or television on all year and I really think this has helped me to focus on 'sorting' - allowing me to really appreciating all these things, looking at each one and recognising them as a part of this house, before I send them off and out of my life!!

Have decided to go camping this weekend - enough sorting - time to sleep under the stars!!! - then back for a couple of days, a week in Stockholm - then back for one night - then party farewell to the house and then move - wow - isn't life just amazing!!!!

The books have gone..............

The 17 crates of books have now gone ... out of my life and into others - Rob and I took the last lot of 9 boxes to the Cat Sanctuary shop today - it was a wonderful feeling to have finally got them out of my life!!!

Getting very decisive re my own things, letters, dairies memorabilia from my childhood - now all gone. I didn't really want them enough to keep them any longer. Alex read my angst ridden teenage diaries out loud to me last weekend - and we laughed - what am I keeping them now for - for my children to read after I'm dead - don't think so - so they've gone - and I'm very happy for that!!! Still keep finding photographs - I have squirreled them all over the house over the years - keeping them.

Got the keys for my flat yesterday - Ann was over so it was lovely to walk across the park, which was looking stupendously beautiful in the soft evening light, and to show her my new home. I was pleased that she seemed to really like it. Rob and I also called over today with some stuff. He says it's better every time he sees it - which is also good. We popped into Aigburth Peoples Hall - just over the road which has a lovely garden out the back - so I wont have a garden but I will have a lovely place to go - on a summer evening and have a glass of wine with Gilly - which was the best use of my garden here!

Had a group of young people looking at the house this evening, which I am pleased to say felt really good. The house will be happier when it is full of life and young people, it is not meant to be just for one person.

So have just had a long deep bath as my body is tired and a bit sore, lots of lifting and carrying. So a long bank holiday weekend to continue moving, sorting and finally detaching myself from all of this. Rob is camping in the lakes and Jim is in Barcelona - so I will avoid big lifting stuff - still got plenty to do - but the end is in sight - wow - feeling knackered but very happy!!!!

... and it continues

Wow felt the need to blogg twice today - as it has been a long and remarkably rewarding day... I have now got that feeling/knowledge that I am getting close to moving - though like the last bit of anything the reality is pretty chaotic - at least superficially - the whole house is a mess - and everything is upside down - but - I now think that I have really got to the bottom of what needs to be sorted - wonderful!!

So many special moments today - taking the table to Fiona's - that was a biggie for me - of course Rob sorted it - using Nita's van - and I did wobble momentarily - it was a big thing for me - that table - the heart of this house - the touchstone for everyone who has ever been here!!! So no pressure there - but with love - Rob and I took it round to Fiona's - to be greeted by the amazingly beautiful Aidan in the arms of his blessed grandparents - right decision!!

Then Alex and I spent all day going to the last places to go to - like the whole cupboard of children's books - and together we sorted everything into two piles - those which meant something to us and others - but the ones that meant something - were big somethings!!! Chris was the story teller in our family - I would cook tea and do stuff whilst he told little boys bedtime stories - every night - for all those years and with all those books - and with so much love!!!

But strangely choosing a small set to keep was really very easy - Alex and I just recognised the special ones - they were also the most dog eared and it ended up quite a small pile! - and I put them in a box and we have then put them in the loft (nb this is not an easy process!). This all sounds a bit obvious - but is has not been easy to recognise what is really important - in the context of the house and my whole life with Chris and our family - but I suppose I knew all along that it's the small things that are important - it's not the books that are important but the fact that Chris told the boys stories every night for all those years - with love - wow wonderful.

savouring the 'lasts'

After three plus years of 'firsts' - I'm now going through a series of 'lasts' - last time I'll do this sort of thing ........

...but it's OK!!! In fact it's great! Today I'm going to get Rob to take my beautiful table round to Fiona's - so I've had my last meal round that - and never even noticed - wonderful. I'll have the keys for the flat next Friday and can start taking stuff round next weekend - how exciting!!!

Still a lot of clearing and sorting going on - recycling via Freecycle is working well and today I am going to put some things in the loft - and then I will only have the lace to get rid of - not quite true as there are still boxes and boxes of books - Alex came home and completely re-organised Jim's arrangement of books - which was lovely as means all the boys have sat and reflected on the books and taken and sorted and re-arranged and given their blessing to what we leave and what we keep.. which is perfect.

Last night we had a big barbecue, friends of Jim, Alex and Jake and 3 out of 4 Interns, sadly the forth one Vaughn did not get a visa. I made a mountain of food and it all got eaten, I have just been downstairs and there was some stuff left when I went to bed but everything has now been eaten - I just love feeding young people- and we drank beer and laughed and played a murder game and argued and laughed and drank beer and it was just absolutely wonderful - a really really happy evening and if it was my 'last' barbecue it was a wonderful one.

So another day of sorting and then back to work, the sun is shining, my heart is singing and I am so happy to be alive - isn't life just wonderful!!!!

Photos ..... lifetimes of photos!!

Yesterday I sorted out the photos - I had boxes and boxes of them in the back room, and bags and bags of them, secreted all over the house - whenever I thought I had nearly finished yesterday - I thought of another place to look - this is a very big house to look in - and over the years I have taken very very many photographs!!

It's not just my life that is chronicled through these but Chris's, and because he was an only child I have also got the photos of his parents. I decided last week that I wanted them to come with me - the boys and their future partners and children may want to see them - but most importantly I'm not ready to do a major cull of them - I would want to scan many of them - so my plan is to take them all but stored in a new flat friendly and aesthetically pleasing manner!!

So that's what I did yesterday - I have an old chest which came from Chris's family house and Rob carried it out to the garden for me and I sanded it down and re-stained it and I am very pleased with the way it looks. By midnight I had finally fitted all the photos into it - 17 file boxes and two other bags. But they all fitted in - hurray!!!!!!!!!!!!

The photographs were amazing - memories - our brains are so amazing - I would see a photograph and I could remember the feel of that place, the taste of the food, the smell, the sand under my toes, hear the sound of the sea, bask in the heat of the sun, recalling specific conversations and memories. So I have spent all week going backwards through my life - feeling and being where my life has taken me - and as the week progressed and I caught more and more snapshots of my life - I have become almost overwhelmed with the sense of how unbelievably blessed I have been all my life.

When I was a younger woman the photographs did enable me to feel and recall some of the frustrations of youth - but looking back these are what gave me my drive and passion, which I put into my work. The Tricia in those photos was also very happy, she beamed at me - from parties, the garden, cities and beaches, with Chris, friends and boys. Holidays were where I took most photos and boy did we have a lot of holidays - my Mother's daughter!! Spain, the Costa Brava, Galicia and Mallorca, then later years Croatia and of course the caravan. 18 years of the beautiful lakes, walking, swimming, playing golf for the views not the game, and drinking beer with my Dad, doing the crossword. Special and magical times of my life.

So I have revisited my life and put it into a refurbished chest - ready to take with me to my new home!!!

I also varnished all the garden furniture for my tenants and made a huge pot roast with dumplings and a rhubarb crumble for Jimmy, Jack and Rob. I have now 2 book cases full of books in the front room which I will leave and 11 huge boxes of books for Rob to take to be recycled - and I was so pleased that Jim and Jack are taking a box back to their house - they went through every book with respect and that made me so happy. Hopefully the car will get out the garage next week as we need to shift stuff out of the house before I can show it to prospective tenants!

Still got a grandfather clock and several other bits of old furniture to dispose of and today I will do the tool cupboard, then an afternoon on Lark Lane with Pat and Nita - relishing and cherishing their company - eating and drinking wine - one of my favorite combinations!!!!

Moving on and so appreciative of my wonderful happy life.

and....

thank you Heyhursts - for being so spot on - yet again - como siempre!!

Embracing change and going for it.................

... but also recognising the quantity of change that is occurring!!

So need to blogg - that's good - being open with myself about what I'm doing here - these are big changes!!!

... and what I'm doing is leaving this house, this life, this Tricia and moving on - so quite a big thing then!!

I have talked to a lot of people - OK I do talk!! about moving etc - for example talked to someone yesterday - who said - I don't have anything in my house that I haven't used/worn for more than a year - if I don't use/wear it - it goes - wow!

At the moment I'm just leaving/giving away everything in this house - this has led to some amazingly special conversations about what people in my life would like to have - one thing from this house - to make part of their world.

The reason I'm blogging tonight - is to say let me know what bit of this house is special to you - I have been really surprised at what these conversation have led to - so ring me - because it wont be here this time next month - and if there is something that has a place in your life/home - let me know!!

De-personalisation...............

It's ridiculously early and the flask of chamomile tea has not done the trick this morning - the 'bing' was just too strong!!

Woke up thinking about this process that I'm going through - which is apparently called de-personalisation - in other words taking from my house anything that appertains to me and my family - wow this is a real big thing to do!!

I said there are no sacred cows and I am now making decisions which make that a reality. Yesterday took all the big photograph montages down from my walls - of which there were many - images of my life, family and friends over the decades - well they've gone - well they are still in bits in my front room but will be at the tip tonight.

Have put my first listing on Freecycle - and am beginning to think there will be very little to store in the attic - feeling OK about it all - know I'm not getting enough sleep - but don't feel stressed out - monitoring myself!

So another day starts and I get lighter and lighter as I get ready to leave!!!

Pretty grim day!!

After yesterday lovely party and this morning's positive blogg - have had pretty grim day - got to the last level of 'places that you don't go to' - where I found letters - mainly from people who are now dead - or cards/writing from or about my boys - special messages from them to me or Chris - all that I had kept for a reason - had quite a few big Chris moments - suppose it is also leaving the house - anyway gave up on the Aunty Elsie/Peggy lace heritage - and have recognised I need help on that one!!

But then Jenny had given me a couple of books yesterday and I started and finished reading one - When everything changes, change everything - and it was really good - so big breath - glad I've done what I've done today- recognise that it wasn't easy - but am proud of myself!!!

Sorting out things...........

.. and there is a lot to sort!! Being ruthless as am only going to take things with me that I really want to - although there is set of things which I want to keep for the house and the boys in the future - though this pile is getting smaller - and need to find somewhere to store them as well.

Still a few of Chris's things - just found his favourite jacket - which I obviously couldn't bring myself to get rid of before - it's now gone and today I am going to sort out the last of his instruments - being strong about all this but also recognising that it's not easy.

People have told me that moving house is up there as a very stressful thing to do - so I would be stupid if I didn't recognise this. Have ordered some furniture for my new flat as well - that was a lovely thing to do - and I've got a move date the 19th of June!!!

Was in Leeds yesterday at my cousin Ellen Birthday party - it was a wonderful party - lots of love for Ellen - who is a very special person - wise woman - and lots of my family - cousins I haven't seen for years - since my wedding in the case of my cousin Stuart!

I have been with my extended family - 3 out of the last 4 weekends - my Mum's birthday party, the walking weekend and yesterday at Ellen's. Special that - and really good timing - for me to feel a part of such a lovely family when I'm making this big move and leaving my own family house.

So today I will continue to sort stuff out - it's a beautiful sunny day and it's great to be alive!!!!

Not feeling chaotic...

Just been dancing - which was lovely - after a beautiful long weekend - away with my three sisters, a cousin and five female friends - how lucky is that - walking - and talking - I love that combination - walking and talking deeply with that person and then as the day progresses, walking and talking deeply with someone else - and that's what we did - walk and talk deeply - wonderful!!!

So feel very enriched by the weekend - we stayed in a pub and as we all shared rooms - the conversations continued over dinner, and on into the night and then started all over again in the mornings!!!! 10 women opening up to each other - just talking honestly to each other, sharing histories and stories and of course laughing - I think women together laugh differently - finding humour in things from a womans perspective - and we did laugh so much.

I called this blogg - Not feeling chaotic - because - even though there are so many changes occurring in my life - it actually does not feel chaotic - I discussed the changes in my life a lot this weekend - and the joy of talking is that you put your thoughts into words and then these words have a life of their own - so talking about moving etc was wonderful because as I talked the words became fatter and more solid - because they were listened to and reflected on - and then endorsed - passing the sisterhood test in the process!!

Wow - things happen quickly!!

Been at a lovely award ceremony tonight - and got back really late - but can't sleep as am absolutely buzzing - as today I signed a contract on a flat - wow - so quick!!!!

So in 6 weeks time - I will be living in a small two bedroom flat the other side of the park - WOW!! It has happened so quickly - but I like that 'cos I made decisions and then things just happened - I am happy with the decision - and now it's all change!!

Still pretty emotional and recognising that there will be things that I will miss - like hanging my washing out in the garden - and a gas cooker - and my beautiful carpets - but hey there will be things that I won't miss - like rattling around a huge family house on my own - don't know yet what I wont miss - as sitting here in bed - I can't yet see myself not living here.... but I'm now set on a course to move out.. and smiling as I write - yes am very comfortable with decision to move - yes really like flat - but no - actually no idea what I will think and feel when I'm actually blogging from Travellers Court - the name of new flat!

So life is an ongoing adventure - and I'm embracing and dancing my way through it - and am happy that it's the only way to live your life - going for it!!!

Words become actions....

Now that I have said I'm moving and told people - i.e. put it into words - it has now become a reality. That's the thing about words - they have a life of their own - they take shape as ideas and then they you bring them into existence - either by being spoken or written - and then they just go off on their own - taking your thoughts and making them happen!!

Went dancing last night - which was really good - and told the dancers - and then we went to the Everyman and just laughed and laughed - which was wonderful. So with laughter in my heart I am embracing change and will dance my way through this big milestone in my life - and now it is becoming a reality I am getting very excited about it!!!