Can't stop blogging..........

The turmoil in my life is growing..... know so clearly that I am not on my own - all of us are going through this turmoil.. some more conscious of it than others.. the difference feels a spectrum between fearing/not accepting and embracing change... ..transformational change .

Struggling to find the words as this is such a strong feeling/longing.. reality being the day to day.... but the joy of this is that I now work/exist amongst those who understand.. am aware that this also means that I 'operate' with those who must think I am completely bonkers!!!

Such an exciting weekend....

.. and also very emotional, a weekend of real transformation/change and I had such a wonderful role in it .... just being me .. but so glad that I could physically be here for Becki and her very special Mum and Dad... and also my Mum tonight....

OK .. there is a very long story here.... short version my niece Becki and her beautiful toddler, Aidan, moved into their own house this weekend...

Their stories..... are complex, painful, beautiful yet despite some of the most difficult times... full of love... increasingly recognised... by themselves... by all of us....

Had the most wonderful conversation with my Mum tonight, didn't need to explain, just needed to shed tears of joy, which we did, as I talked about being in the Supermarket yesterday with Becki and Jimmy .. being blessed by doing something so small as a supermarket shop .. but something so huge as a supermarket shop - Becki's first - feel it's difficult to get the words right and express how special it was to just be there.... Jimmy, Becki and I - extraordinarily special.

So Sunday night after an amazing week and weekend, very tired..but very alive and full of energy... wow how lucky am I........................

Made them happy!!!

Am pretty exhausted - 3 amazing days and nights, wonderful, yet probably the hardest days work I have ever done.... but what happened was extra-ordinary..... and we did it!!

It's late 2.00 - Friday night/Saturday morning - it's been a very very long day! I was emotional earlier on this evening - as it was not easy..... and sometimes, even though I knew I was doing my best.... it still felt, and I think was, very very hard....

But - it was absolutely and truly wonderful - Wonder Full!!

Bufff - so I am joyous... in awe of the people who are now - firmly in my life- 3 days like we have had - we are connected for life!!! I also tied them all up in string at some point - so we all know this...

Tonight finished with dancing - which of course it had to and that was also perfect - Alma de Cuba at it's best - deliciously bonkers and scouse... just loved it.... so a euphoric blogg - Rene leaves tomorrow early, then I will pick up Renata for breakfast with Jimmy, then Raul later.... exhausted, joyful and so so blessed.

Loving the fact that I did my job - recognised this and was also recognised - and ended up making them all happy....... (though also know some are still confused about what it all means) but hey this was the kick off meeting for a 4 year - ambitious project - hahaha - and yes some of us will be confused, but that's just an opportunity to learn!!!!!!

Kicking Off!!!!!

...... and we are... 70+ people from around the globe spent this evening taking Children As Change Agents to the next stage ...... of becoming a reality... and it was truly wonderful.

I am pretty exhausted, woke very early this morning about 4.30 and it's now 20 hours later and I have been talking, listening, recognising , making wonderful reunions and connecting people all day.... I should be exhausted but am not ... flying high - kite like - I will have to stop at some point!!!! But hey maybe not !

I held the space for everyone tonight.... it was not easy... but I was well prepared, well supported and had only invited those who had the capacity to come with me ... and we did... we went there..... wonderful, natural and the way it was going to be... I am feeling so energised ... I just wanted to dance... I did earlier on when Rene and I came home, I just had so much energy in my body, it just needed to dance!

Tomorrow is a day of transition as others take steps forward... and I take steps back...joyful... I know my role - I told them all tonight, my role is to keep them all happy - simplistic but true... it went down very well, I just love this... they understood!!!

Energy..................

Have an amazing amount of energy at the moment.... I woke up at 4.30 this morning - didn't get up for a couple of hours but was happily awake, had a very busy day at work, danced for 2 hours, talked to Rene and others and it's now after midnight and I am absolutely wide awake... never felt so alive!!

Not certain what's going on here.. but this is quite normal for me ... though it doesn't actually feel 'normal'... feels good and really quite wonderful... but it doesn't feel normal!!! Not certain what normal is any more... the more I learn, the more I understand, and the more I know I don't know!

Could just be that this is such an exciting week... people arriving, feels like an great big party is about to start... which is good. Could be I'm connecting to other energies around me, could be all sorts of stuff... and hey probably is!

Excitement mounting.....................

.... I have a really strong feeling of fluttering emptiness in the pit of my stomach and an amazing warmth in my heart area as I really begin to think about next week. 50 plus people from around the world will be here in Liverpool to start making Children As Change Agents a reality - this is just so exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's wonderful - and reflecting on this - I can feel my whole body reacting to this - shivers of excitement - making my finger tips tingle and me smile so broadly - that I think I must look pretty bonkers!

But I am actually living this beautiful broad smile - well what on earth does that mean? Well I see this beaming smile is an indicator of my happiness.... the visible part of my body - the smile externally reflecting the love and joy that my mind and my soul jointly know. I am just so very very happy. I am also just so alive - glowing with life and surrounded by ideas swirling around me, playing peek a boo with me, joyfully waiting to come out and play!!!

OK I am sounding increasingly crazy here - it is 1.30 in the afternoon - I am writing my blogg whilst I wait for Rene to arrive. She set off from Montana yesterday and three flights later she missed her connection in Amsterdam. She's so close I can almost feel her with me and I think this is a big shiver within my excitement of today.

Rene and I met a few years ago and actually only talked very briefly a couple of times, though once in particular was a very deep conversation. But when Chris died I turned to her, amazing, the other side of the world, and she was so there for me... my Soul Sister, we are just connected. I think she was the first person I recognised as having a strong soul connection with, which meant that we didn't need to talk, even to know each other, to know we are totally connected.

Since Rene I have a growing number of sisters and daughters that I am so connected with. There are also men that I know I have a soul connection with, but I haven't yet found the words to describe these relationships.... I find connecting with men is more complicated because connections generate a lot of energy and this can be confused with sexual energy.. or maybe it is the same - I don't know... I do know there is a growing number of lovely men in my life, some of whom I do feel a very strong connection with. But I also know I only talk really openly with 3 or 4 of them about recognising this connection, maybe I just should start calling them Soul Brothers though there are a couple I would prefer to call Soul Lovers though! Bufff!!! Can't believe I'm writing this on my blogg - but hey I have no fear!!

So Rene will be here in a couple of hours, I am cooking a chicken in lemon and butter, and have made some leek and potato soup and there I have some bread rolls rising, I have made up my spare bedroom and think I am just so ready for her arrival. Number 1, to be followed by the others during the week. Wow I am still so amazed that we are now doing this - back to excitement.... OK be practical.... I'll do some ironing and clean the bathroom!! The small things are important........

Sunday

A lot of strong whirling and swirling movement around me at the moment - on reflection not just me - the World....... swirling/whirling...... not certain how to describe it..... it's everything that I/We know, but changing and more so... I have a very strong feeling of rightness/OKness/joy but also a feeling of ... uncertainty/ expectation/ growing excitement which on reflection is wonderful... but it is also making me a bit 'twitchy'!!!

So much change..........like a huge big roller coaster wave ... wonderful and powerful and 'right' but WOW!!!!!!!

OK - lazy Sunday in my lovely little flat - not been out of the door - mind I didn't get up until really late cos I was out dancing last night... I LOVE DANCING.. I was at a party early with Vanessa, the DJ, when she was doing the sound check and I danced on my own in the empty space... joyfully... gloriously... wonderfully.... childlike... I have decided the older and wiser I get, the more childlike I get - it is just such the right place to be... especially as I now coordinate Children as Change Agents.

Thinking about this though, what do we mean by 'childlike'? - to call someone childish is to probably to insult them! But to look at life through the eyes of a child is extraordinarily truthful, clear and beautiful... and our grief is that we have forgotten how to do this.....I have a strap line for the project, which I have yet to be public about, but am working towards, which is: 'Things we Grown Ups have forgotten.'

So Sunday night, joyful, childlike and tired.... way to be xxx

And here's me dancing!

Decisions about the future...............

When I start writing a blogg - I start with the Title: **** and often it takes me by surprise.... like just now... as I don't really think through what I'm going to reflect on... just go with the flow... but this title is significant as I hadn't really realised that I had made decisions about the future!!!!

So what's all this about then?

Well, I'm very joyful and also very knackered... both absolutely related to being in Vienna most of the week, very long days and very short nights. I have also had a lovely day cooking chicken soup for my parents and visiting with Jimmy, glowing with love as my Dad had 4 bowls of soup - how special is that - he said I had put too much chili in it - but I think the fact that he ate 4 bowls meant he enjoyed it a lot!! He was in very good form, he was able to hear more and clearly enjoyed us being there - talking and laughing - he doesn't laugh a lot now, as life is really really hard for him most of the time. My Mum was also in good form and we were HAPPY, which was wonderful.

Now this relates to my decision about the future and several overlapping conversations and reflections over the last few days and last night.

OK so where am I now... well the Coordinator of this huge project, 4 years, over 4 million Euros, partners and advisers all over the world..... and it has now started to become a reality. The meeting in Vienna was the start........ so after 18 months of writing the bid, with wonderful support and definitely not on my own, negotiating it to the next stage, a very difficult and complex process.... I was in a room of 20 plus people, about a third of the whole consortium... a pretty posh room in the University of Vienna, with this wonderful group of people, some I know well, some I have met briefly and some not at all ... but together we were starting to make Children As Change Agents a reality..... Wow Wow Wow.....................

I have lived, talked, slept, dreamt this project for so long and now it's a room full of people: wonderful, inspiring, exciting and excited people, turning ideas and thoughts into a global reality....... how fantastic is that!!!!! No wonder I am as high as a kite!!

In Spanish the word 'crear' is to create and the word 'creer' is to believe - remarkably similar and I create/believe - 'creo' is the same. This seems very appropriate for where I am right now - creating and believing. I haven't got Hector to discuss this with any more, as he's now in India, and I haven't got my act together to get another Spanish teacher - I am also away so much ... and I do feel I am forgetting my Spanish..... I do need to do something about that - but that's a different story...

So Children As Change Agents for Science and Society - is beginning to take shape and move beyond conscious thoughts into the real world... we are now making it happen!!!!!!

So what is my decision? Well over the last couple of weeks I have been, and not on my own, wrestling with the question - what are the Roles and Responsibilities of the 10 Work Package Leader, the 16 Partners, 3 Partner/Advisers, 15 Advisers and 2 Informal Advisers!!! - but also crucially for me 'What is the role of the Coordinator?'

Well I now know what the Role of the Coordinator is - and it is very simple and directly links back to my lunch with my parent... my Role is just to make sure that everyone is HAPPY!!!!

It is actually blissfully simple and glaringly obvious, though I think it will test my skills and wisdom, but if everyone is happy, then it will all work perfectly. So my role as Coordinator is to ensure that all of these wonderful people, from all around the world, are HAPPY doing what is required for them to do - their bit of the jigsaw!

Love it!!!!

... and of course the secret of happiness is attention to detail - the importance of the small things....................

Making marmalade....

.... it has been a poignant and beautiful day......... making marmalade..

This has been a day long coming, discussions about making marmalade have been going for over a year and today Jimmy and I went and symbolically made marmalade.

My parents have always made marmalade and bramble jelly - can´t really remember any other jams being made, but throughout my childhood the rituals of making marmalade in January/February and bramble jelly in August/September were very closely observed leading to jars of both always being there for breakfast for the rest of the year. Even after we left home, we would be given jars when we visited or were visited.

So my parents now 90 and 93 have continued to make marmalade every year.... bramble jelly involves hedgerow brambling and this has not been on for them for a few years ... and marmalade has been getting harder and harder as their frailty made it very difficult. The prospect of super-hot pans were very worrying from a distance - Rob taking a watching brief the last couple of years.

However at Christmas it emerged that my Father felt, strongly, that although Rob had been around he hadn't really understood how to make marmalade properly! So it was agreed that I would help them make marmalade this year in order to learn how it should be done. I had helped as a child/teenager but on a 'do this/that' basis... though with fond memories - which were there today for me... how blessed am I....

However back to the story... my parents being my parents, didn't wait for me and have made 2 lots on their own already this year - amazing - anyway the first lot was hard and the second lot was a bit of a disaster, and obviously caused upset with half the oranges being unused. This was my opportunity to insist that I really wanted to learn how to make marmalade and that these should be saved until I could go over. The first time was today and I went, wonderfully accompanied by Jimmy.

... and we made marmalade - as instructed by my beautiful frail and increasingly sleeping father.. he is holding on because he still has things to do for my mother - like being there - staying alive - but he is so tired, he is sleeping increasingly.

My Mum is being so strong - recognising - though forgetting - she now knows and can talk about him staying alive for her - she's not ready to go - driving the car and swimming 35 lengths every morning... but she also knows and can talk - but with care and love - that her world is his world - their shared world of over 65 years... buff..... she recognises this dependence but she is so amazingly strong - despite fighting with her memory and her fear...... what an amazingly wonderful woman my Mother is...........

... and their shared world includes making marmalade!!

So Jimmy and I went over early, and made marmalade ... my Father was very insistent on the right way of doing things - he was passing on a legacy - my Mother recognising this - and went to the front room - leaving us alone with Dad - a rare and special concession.

The instructions were spoken with difficulty - and Jimmy and I muddled along - wrong type of oranges, too many, not enough/too much sugar, wrong sequence of things, uncertainty of what we were supposed to be doing, not helped by me cutting my thumb on one of my Father's razor sharp knifes quite early on!!

Anyway we made wonderful marmalade... beautiful generationally bonding, memory legacy, re-affirming joyous jam!!!! My Mum said to Jimmy .... when you're an old man making marmalade - you'll remember making it for the first time at your long dead grand-parents home.... buffffff!!!

The unspoken was..... that they will never make marmalade again....... bufff... grief needs to be recognised but not dwelt in.....

bit knackered...

....which is not surprising as I danced until after 5.30 in the morning and have been awake since 8.30 - dozed briefly on the train back from London - but actually I think I do have quite an impressive amount of stamina!

Went to London for a party on a barge and slept, briefly in a houseboat, along with a load of others - bit of an old hippy as my boys would have it - wore my new and delicious purple velvet corset - had to get tied into it - not something you can put on yourself - just loved the party it was truly magical - I danced with joy much of the night - only knew one person there - to start with - but we are a relatively new but very very strong connection - so didn't hesitate to go - and quite rightly - absolutely had a ball -though I did fall asleep and snore - gently I hope - before the party finished at 7.

So a slice of my life - just going for it - treasuring the richness of people in my life - so many powerful connections. Just following the connections................ This is not just in my personal life but also professionally... just following the connections...........

Got back and had Becki round for tea which was lovely, as I haven't spent time alone with her for a bit and there has been a huge amount going on in her life - so that was very special - then have been uploading Jimmy's birthday present - over 200 songs - his Father's son - diverse genres of music across a range of decades, countries etc. He put them together - selected and ordered - just for me - how special is that! Paul and Sue they are on your way!

Work quite full-on at the moment - off to Brussels this week - hopefully to finalise SiS Catalyst - though I have had to start the details of delivery - quite a complex game - but deeply enjoyable.

So my weekend was - did the quiz via Skype with my 3 sons on Saturday before going to an all night party in London - getting home to eat a lovely dinner with my beautiful niece followed by several hours of listening to new music - selected just for me by my youngest son - soon it will be time for some sleep - tomorrow being another day - and of course Monday - dancing! Wow wow wow - how blessed am I???

Birthdays, synergies and connections...

Came back from Ireland this afternoon - again! - but this time from Belfast - having been in the North and the South for several days.... lovely, lovely weekend topped off a very busy and extraordinary couple of days working in Dublin.

My life is truly extraordinary..... as I didn't arrange anything yet found myself in the right place, really connecting with the right people with the flow of ideas and creativity visibly streaming and whirling around us!

I am finding this happening increasingly.... not 'making' anything happen, just 'being' and then going with the flow..... it is strange and very beautiful, with the synergy and linkages between things and people... just being there..... effortlessly. They are also so very inter-connected, leading on seamlessly one from another.

For example people say 'How come your son lives in Croatia?'....and the answer is a story... which weaves in and out of coincidences and 'opportunism' - 'going through doors' as they appear in our lives. I say 'our' lives as I'm not the only one doing this, the people I connect with are also doing the same thing.... 'going through doors' as they open up in front of us.

So this was the first birthday weekend, my birthday falls on Wednesday, shared by another birthday girl (Tuesday) a joyous weekend of laughter, wonderful food, picnics in the rain, the Giant Causeway at dusk/in the dark, long conversations and a house just made for cloud watching.

So a birthday week... will be busy, as I have a lot to do at the moment, but feel refreshed though quite tired tonight... and then the second birthday weekend in London.... a party on a narrow boat, but who's or where - I have no idea - looking forward to that! An example of my life at the moment, going through a door without knowing where it will lead to, who or what is on the other side..... but hey isn't life just so exciting!!!!

shedding fear and having faith!

..........well have been shedding fear for a while now, increasingly recognising it´s negativity, being 'fearless' being a recurring theme in this blogg...

Now having faith is different - but an absolutely logical next step!

Just had a wonderful and anticipated conversation - love it - being the amazingly blessed person that I am - I talk to so many people - increasingly about my spiritual journey - all of these conversations are so important - because learning only happens when you communicate.

However there is one person that I talk to - who let's me talk/listens to me in such a way as to let me listen to myself - then to answer my own questions. He listens with an understanding and reassurance that lets me know that I knew it anyway!!!

So a wonderful conversation, building on three others this evening and an amazing weekend in Ireland. Going deep into ceremony, play, talking, listening and learning - and amazing food, good company and laughter - beautiful - but also the opportunity for growth - through - difficult to know how to describe it ... through consciously living... way to go!

Anyway the consequence of this richness is a powerful and heady cocktail..... of pure joy, lack of fear and a growing understanding of compassion.

This is the word of the week- COMPASSION - not an easy one by any means - but fundamental!

Through my conversations and learning of last few day have a growing understanding of the truth and importance of compassion - it is this that I have faith in - the most important thing in life! That was a conversation of several months ago which tonight made so much sense... buff learning - fantastic!!!

So the over-riding thought that is coming through all of these ....... is the need to have compassion for everyone - and that includes myself/yourself...

Back home.........

................ though not for long.

Beautifully refreshed after a week of Spanish food, company and family..... back at work but as someone commented on my Facebook last week - 'You are always on holiday!!!!' ... and he's right my life is so happy, it's like always being on holiday.

Not sure how I got here though - at what point did my life become a permanent holiday..... it is very strange to make the link with Chris's death - as this was the very worst thing that could and did happen in my life - but my current attitude to life - which is that every second is wonderful and must be treasured and enjoyed - as if you are on holiday - this way of thinking can be traced back to Chris's death.... and I suppose recorded in this blogg. When I was in Spain I went back over the last 4 years New Year bloggs and wow I have come a long way....

....started this yesterday but then got talking to people and never finished it...... another day and still smiling... but and it's a big but... I am also aware of grief... felt it strongly earlier on tonight... recognised it ... went there.... but then moved on... talked about it just now... the recognition of grief is really important, but recognising it does not mean dwelling on it, or nurturing it in any way... it means just saying ... "Yes grief I see you... I recognise you but that's it." Well that's that now back to the holiday!!!

Ano nuevo!

The new year was well celebrated amidst much grape eating and laughter - it is a real joy to be here for so many reasons. I have had a heavy cold which made me slightly feverish and very sleepy.... and I have maximised the siestas wonderfully, waking up to yet more beautiful food and company.... I have felt very indulgent, relishing and immersing myself totally in the luxury of it all.

I have also talked deeply with my sons which has felt very special as well - Rob and I reflected on our lives since Chris died and he talked to me - for the first time - of his fight with depression - I am still charged with emotion after that - the enormity of his journey shared.......

We also talked of our futures, his now in Croatia for the next year and then ..... anywhere - fantastic - also through the wonder of technology - communicating with others around the world - being in Spain and very aware of Hector being in India - magic..Talking - and understanding much Spanish - his gift to me!!!!

So another couple of days then home - briefly! My wonderful life,,,,, I am so very blessed and so happy - to be here - to be alive to be starting the year 2011 in peace - my open heart sends a blessing to you - thank you for reading this - with love xxxx.

Gijon......

....and it is amazing .... to be here .... to be part of this family - I'm with Alex, Lara and Rob.... we no longer have a family home ... and only two of us live in Liverpool - when we are there - so it seems very right and natural to be as a family in Spain - though what is also amazing is that I have been here - in family - four other times in last two weeks in Croatia, Slovenia, Liverpool and at my parents in Cheshire.

The feeling of connectivity is so strong and so special ... and growing .... we are part of the family of the future.....

Christmas 2010

Am sat in my parents front room whilst my three boys do a crossword with my Mother and my Father dozes. A wonderful family Christmas with my Mother glowing with happiness as her big grandsons joke and tease around her. My Father absolutely on top of everything including the cricket scores, whilst my Mother remembers and forgets in equal measure..... My Father's frailty more obvious, but his attention to detail wonderful, making us grapefruit at 4.30 in the morning as he didn't do it earlier!

There are a flock of long tailed tits in the garden and my Mother has come and sat next to me to watch them. Time to go........

Wonderful evening....

... and it was - just that - a truly wonderful evening - magic.

I had arranged to meet Gilly tonight with Jim and Alex, as we go to my parents tomorrow and I only came back on Monday...... anyway it ended up - unexpectedly - as Gilly, Vanessa, Jimmy, Alex, Aziz, Jamal and Perri and I having a really great night out - we went to Chili Banana - and the boys were just so funny, all of them just playing off against each other, laughing, joyful, teasing, beautifully witty at each other's expense ... just being themselves, knowing each other so well, being open and honest and just so funny....wonderful young people... and when we weren't laughing we were all talking........ honest and heartfelt.

A real sense of family, touching base with Chris and Heff, recognising and appreciating shared history ... being us.. and enjoying every second of it.. way to live... wonderful!!!!

Varazdin, Velenje and now home....

.... and wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am still so utterly amazed at the connectivity of it all - I saw, and watched a webcam in 1999.... http://cip.foi.hr/index.php/foi-web-cam before we went on our first holiday to Croatia .... and now I am officially part of the FOI, I have been given only their second Charter as Friend of FOI - when I spoke on receiving this - I said - 11 years ago I saw a web cam and now you honour me like this ... and my life is so intrinsically wrapped up in Varazdin with work etc ..... but also my son now lives here!!!! Wow wow wow.. extraordinary!

Then I go onto to Velenje - to my Slovenian sister - we discussed this - how did this happen?? But our lives, our children's lives - Jimmy came with me, Jan was there... they already know each other so well etc etc .... we just know and connect so much with each other - so Varazdin and Velenje are about an hour and half drive away from each other, in two countries (though with a shared history - not always easy) yet I know both of these from different routes - how absolutely amazing is this... no it was just meant to be....

... bufffff - so didn't get back in time for the dancing party ... but I had such a beautiul dance in Varazdin..... just glowing with love and life.... I know ... but I just have to write it - how blessed am I?..........................

So much seems to be happening...............

............on so many levels but particularly in my spiritual journey. It has been a roller coaster of a week and I have had huge highs and lows. It feels like I am veering between poles, oscillating between extremes of .... emotion... not quite emotion - I wrote in an email to a friend last week - 'I veer between a beautiful certainty and a huge void of not knowing anything' and I have been thinking about this, at the back of my mind all week, and I suppose it is exactly where I am.

The 'huge certainty' is growing, it is becoming clearer and much more defined, it is becoming real. The huge void of 'not knowing anything' is the trough between the waves, and as the waves build up increasing in momentum....... the crests are becoming higher, wilder, fiercer and even more bedecked with white horses, whilst the troughs continue in between...... plateaus of stillness, of taking breath.... they are also actually really beautiful ... and maybe need to be just that - points of stillness before the next wave, rather than voids of not knowing.

... and so I think this is where I am - after a very reflective peaceful day, I have meditated a lot today and given myself the time to be and to read etc as a consequence I sit here now in a state of huge and wonderfully beautiful certainty! Maybe I should just spend my life meditating - it just fills me with joy..... but I live in the real world... and I suppose I'm back to waves again.... only this time the trough is the 'beautiful certainty' and the real world the 'white horse bedecked wave' - wow - could be right!!!

post script..

.. and of course Chris as a consequence had no fear of death.. what a wonderful teacher!