the HUGE things are actually not so big - it's the little things we can change that make the difference

........am back in Brussels again - and have just had an extraordinary night of learning - buff - it does feel like something extra-ordinary happened tonight - so will be difficult to describe and put into words- but I'll have a go!

OK  - it's about 'knowledge' - what it is - and who has it - and where!

OK I am in Brussels - why I am in Brussels is irrelevant - but probably not so -  I am here for a Roma conference  - hosted by the European Commission and the Council of Europe - and on one level good people doing good stuff - but tonight it feels bigger than that!

This will be the difficult bit to explain - tonight I saw very clearly that the next step for humanity is about where the 'knowledge' is 'held' globally......

......which of course is actually individually.....

......tonight I saw the 'knowledge' being held by those who are perceived by most of us (the others) as the ones who are the 'problem'.

I saw this knowledge not only true and powerful but also the future......

I also saw that how most of us look at all of this upside down - we see problems/issues etc but actually we miss the solutions that those who are living these lives can give us.......

They - those from these communities (and of course children ) - also don't see their own amazing knowledge because they live in our shared society - with all that goes along with that - so are 'educated' and live real lives as the ones who are marginalised, abused, discriminated against... and some as fighters  against all of that - But living hard lives - but actually living lives which give them the 'knowledge' that the  'others' need. How many consciously live with this knowledge I don't know - I live an amazing life and have connected with many - but think this is a unrepresentative sample! - but the awareness/awakedness is there in still quite a small percent - but then all conversation starts at a different level!

So back to the bigger picture - we are all actually 'us' and the 'other' and  we need to look inside ourselves for the answers to everything....

So nothing new - all so obvious then! But tonight I do see so very clearly that the transformation required for 'us' is to look to those that we see as the 'problem' and to recognise that they  actually have the knowledge for our shared solution.

Not certain I explained it as clearly as I saw it - but this stuff is all about the paradigm shift - the change we need/ are making in our  thinking - I know I need to be able to explain more clearly something so fundamental - but  maybe I am being presumptions....

But hey hey - this is my blogg and my learning - and wow - it feels enormous!!!!!!!!!!

Blogging from Paris

.... and feeling grounded - and it's good to be back to earth!

I never caught the afternoon flight as it was cancelled and I ended up having a really great time courtesy of Air France! After being picked up by a taxi I was taken to a 5 star hotel - fed the most wonderful food and spent the afternoon in a beautiful spa, sitting in a jacuzzi in the sunshine, having a deep massage, sauna and  turkish bath...... my body had a wonderful water caressed afternoon - and it was exactly what it needed!

I woke up the next day with so much clarity it was wonderful.......

Then yesterday a really good seminar which reflected back to me where my thinking is and reaffirmed what I know - but even when you 'know' it is sometimes difficult to 'know' you 'know'!

And I  DO KNOW!!!!!!!!

Love the clarity.

So waking up in Paris - off to Brussels later - feeling really positive and happy. Know I have a lot of work to do but know that I can see where I am going!

Yesterday at the seminar a guy talked about 'knowing' in the French language - it was part of a deep discussion. There are three versions of the verb to know:

Savoir - to know
Savoir-faire - to know how to
Savoir-être - to know oneself

This has really helped my thinking as we need all three kinds of knowing..... and we can't use the first two without the third.

So I do know and I know how- but most importantly I know these through knowing myself!

Happiness is!

In two days time it will be the 8th anniversary of Chris's death and the third anniversary of my Father's death and it is good to be alive. To recognise what these two beautiful mean gave me, to love their memories and to be consciously happy on my own journey which is the legacy of theirs.

I feel a huge wave of gratitude.................

Off again!

......and I don't yet feel fully grounded after Vienna and Prague!

This afternoon I fly to Paris then on to Brussels on Wednesday and back on Friday.

Vienna was huge... and it felt not only the end of something big but also the beginning of something enormous! It felt overwhelming at times when I was there  - and also in the last week since I have been back home. I can see the big picture and that is so exciting but I am not yet able to see clearly the details of the path.... I know I need to just let it happen but of course this is not an easy thing to do!!!

But as I have been doing this all my life - I really do know how to do this - I suppose the difference is the level of consciousness - I am very aware - at different levels that I am manifesting my own future - and because everything is connected this goes beyond me - and because I am doing this consciously I have to take on the responsibility that goes along with that - BUT and this is the really hard bit - not to let fear come anywhere into the picture.

So going with the flow of conscious creation - BUFFFF! That's a biggie for 7 o'clock in the morning....but it feels like butterflies in my tummy - but of anticipation not fear! Wow!!!!!!!!!

whirlwind.....

.... have been very aware that I have not blogged for a couple of weeks.... but it has been an AMAZING couple of weeks......

back in Liverpool but still not grounded after Vienna...

I look forward to blogging and reflecting on the massive changes going on in my life....

.... not certain when that will happen though!

All good - actually all beyond good - but that sounds bonkers - but hey that's how it feel much of the time!!!

Short blogg!

Am home twice since I blogged - probably!

A week today I arrived home from Cairo, then went immediately to London very early the next day and then to the Spirithorse valley the next day........ and then I got back yesterday and I then went to work today and............ now I think need to stop and work out where and what I am!

Ok - what am I? - I am very happy...... I have been to amazing places..... and I have met and connected with wonderful people - but sometimes it does feel like my life is just one big beautiful roller coaster! I am also feeling a bit spaced out..... which might be because of where I've been and what I've been doing..... or might be because I've had a Egyptian tummy bug now for over a week!

So this will be a short blogg - early to bed, catch up on sleep and maybe come down to land tomorrow! Or maybe not - it's all very interesting!!!!!!

The valley was amazing though - such a powerful sense of belonging - my heart sings with gratitude and I can't stop smiling!

Reading my blogg can make me cry...........

..... it's Saturday morning and I'm still in bed - I have been happily slobbing after a busy week, a transatlantic flight and a lovely night out with Gilly last night. I wanted to look back at a previous trip to Canada and to see what I had written at the time - which I did and it was good to recognise myself then - but also myself now...... I have come a long way.

Well then I started to read other earlier entries and I caught a glimpse of the sadness I felt in those years after Chris died.......... it made me cry....... I have come a long way!

I am enjoying the tears running down my face - beautiful tears of love but also of life....... I read about the 16 year old Jimmy that I was so worried about at the time -  now a married man and living in Prague - WOW!

Things are happening so quickly and also so amazingly - I don't know why I am amazed because I just know...... that I create my life.

I had a conversation on Thursday night with someone who is changing my life - by just being in my life - he has made me think differently.... I am conscious of this and consciously following my intuition as things unfold. When I talked about my future he said: Now is the time to take responsibility. Which came as a complete surprise but once he said it - I knew instinctively that he is right...... Now is the time to take responsibility - and this is what I will do - wherever it takes me..... I am amazed at my life and yes I have come a long way!!!!!!!!!

Talking, talking, talking.......

........ tonight am home - arrived back from Canada this morning - after a week of 'non-stop' talking.....
in Toronto, Hamilton, Detroit and Toronto.... talking, listening, reflecting, remembering...... it was amazing!

I know my work is about learning - and from how I see it - from a soul's perspective - being incarnated/being human - is all about learning....... so being what I am - and doing what I do - is just so fulfilling - because it is all about learning!

Being born  a human being is to learn - or should I say being given the opportunity to learn - and what I want to say is - YES let's take it!!!!!!!

Well that blogg surprised me!

It is getting late - I should be and am tired but my body is now beginning to wake up!

I have just spent the evening talking on the phone - catching up, being in my family's/friends lives - great stuff - tomorrow a big work day - so maybe I should encourage my tired body to forget it's time differences and just go to bed......

...... but there again I just feel so excited about the things that are happening in this my life!!!!!!

Such a happy week.......

The first time I can remember being 'consciously' happy was around the time Jimmy was a baby - I recall really trying to hold onto every precious moment, treasuring the very special time of his early babyhood, being a family with Chris and my two big boys - 12 and 6 at that time .... consciously recognising my happiness and enjoying it for what it was - a beautiful time in my life.

For a while now I have understood/felt consciously happy a lot of the time - but this last week has been an especially happy time..... and my heart sings with the memories of such a wonderful week. It was a week of family.... witnessing my youngest son getting married, with such authority and calmness - being the man that he truly is now.

What a week for him - leaving Liverpool on Tuesday to meet Rachel in Prague after being apart for six months, moving into a new apartment, in a new city with all the hassle and financial stuff that this involves, having Rachel's parents and brother Ben staying with them during this time, organising the details of a wedding, having his Mother, two brothers and Lara pitch up - and being beautifully peaceful and calm and just getting everything done....... it was awesome to watch.

The wedding was really special, I am getting tearful and emotional recalling it. I was very weepy most of the time - happy tears but it was all just so beautiful.... running out of superlative words..... I had lots of Chris moments.... Prague was a special place for us..... and it was the happiest week I can recall probably since that time when Jimmy was a baby.

So I was consciously happy in Prague, being with my family..... and being ....... happy!

Came back on Thursday - work on Friday - a couple of lovely insightful moments - walked with Giants in Liverpool yesterday alongside hundreds of thousands of people - that was also special - the energy in the city was ENORMOUS - happy positive energy - it felt huge and healing. Then today I took my Mum over to my sister Jenny's and had a lovely family lunch - connecting with my great niece Livy and loving being 61 to her 6 - great days.

I am just so happy!!!!!!!

Packed for Prague!

What a busy week! And tomorrow I meet my boys in Prague and now our family includes Rachel and Lara - Rachel's parents and one of her brothers are also there - so we will be a big family group and such an international family!

I feel deliciously excited tonight and so proud of my beautiful boys - Chris would have also have been proud of them - of us all - his family..... I don't wish he was here - because I won't wish he is still with us.... but I do feel quite emotional as I write this blogg - Chris never met Lara and Rachel and will never meet his first grandchild to be born in France early next year... but yes he would be really proud of us - his growing family!

So I sit in my flat with my bag packed and tears in my eyes - just 'being' with the happiness and also recognising the duality of grief that lives alongside it. It feels very precious......

Feels like a BIG day!

..... so many things going on in my life - but today has felt special. The biggest thing - but also so natural and ordinary - was driving Jimmy to Manchester airport this afternoon to catch a flight to Prague - a normal part of our lives..... but today felt it felt like a big step - because from today Jimmy will be with Rachel for ever - until death do them part..... for the next couple of years in the Czech Republic then who knows where - but from today together......

They are a very beautiful young couple - apart more than together for the three years since they met in Washington DC in July 2011 - and they are also just so together.... next week they will get married in Prague and in January they will have a big wedding in Liverpool - but all the time surrounded by so much love - individually and now together - special.

So that has felt pretty big today and then the world of my work is also feeling huge at the moment.....

So lots of stuff going on - off to Prague on Friday - all the Jenkins family - bufffffff - it just makes me smile!!!!!

Singing in the Wild - being in a place of Ceremony......

I got back home last night - and have spent the day returning to this world...... after nearly a week away.

I wrote to Jenny earlier today....

Am home - had an amazing time - a lot of Ceremony - everything can be Ceremony - and we had the space and time to go there - I think you would love Singing in the Wild - it is just so enormous - like all these things when you surrender to it all...... we were a small group a total of 10 in the wildness of the Pennant Valley..... resonating through song and dance with the valley and ourselves. We did deep and powerful work together. Today I am feeling completely blessed and just BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!

It was truly wonderful - we all used the word vulnerable a lot because that was we did - made ourselves vulnerable and open - collectively going to an amazing place of being as one but being our uniqueness...... difficult to describe this.....

But that was what we did!

Today I have been gentle with myself - taking things slowly - I will return to work tomorrow - but today I have been relishing the resonance of the totality - letting it gently come to rest within my body....... bufffffffff what an amazingly beautiful world we are blessed to live in!!!



  

Special afternoon with my Mum......

My Mum talks a lot about death to me - I don't think she has these conversations with anyone else... well she told me today that she didn't...  but we have them a lot - usually when there is just the two of us together or on the phone.

She has concerns about dying, not fear....... but concerns...... and we talk about these..... today we went deep and during the conversation I looked at my Mum and she was 'glowing' ..... she looked so beautiful it was a truly amazing moment... a bit later I took her photo... the tears still there in her eyes..... but her smile speaks for itself.

It is special to be so close to my Mum.

x

I am making plans for my life after leaving Liverpool and my Mum is my main concern. It's still a year or so in the future........  but today I told Mum that I plan to leave the UK..... but I don't think she will remember though, but I feel I need to start getting the idea in her head.

I suppose it is the combination of treasuring the time with my Mum - as it is so finite - and the depth of the conversation...... made today a very special afternoon.

I have had a very lazy weekend, spend much of yesterday in bed - a lot of it sleeping.... the last couple of weeks and the light nights of Copenhagen catching up on me..... combined with a very late Friday night with Gilly.... Bit more energetic today - ran in the park and visited Chris's tree, then went to see my Mum.

So busy couple of days at work then I go Singing in the Wild again..... great stuff!!!!!!!

Eating Jelly Beans in Copenhagen.....

.... it's well after 10 at night and it's like daytime... I flew in from Zagreb this afternoon - a bit delayed due to the most torrential rain in Croatia, had a coffee with Florian at the airport - on his way home to Liverpool (briefly) and then went to the Tivoli Gardens after checking into the hotel - I have been trying to remember going to the Tivoli when I was 13 - an unbelievable 48 years ago!!!!! I will ask my Mum when I see her next weekend but doubt she will remember.... neither do I actually... just a faint sort of a wisp of a memory....

I have been phoning my Mum whilst away - quite complicated as she is not in her own room because of the flood... and she has been upset by not having a working telephone in her temporary room.... the change has been difficult for her - makes me think of what a thin line she is actually living - it doesn't take much to really undermine her.

Didn't get to speak to her tonight, though I tried, but had a long chat yesterday.... the trouble is she just doesn't remember - and it is getting noticeably worse.

So tonight I am on my own... decided to have an early night as I have to be at the conference venue by 8 - and am not totally certain where it is etc - but I don't feel sleepy and found a bag of jelly beans - which I can't stop eating - so have added a sugar hit to the lightness - but I have set my alarm - so will go to sleep sometime and hopefully wake up in time!

Kerry gave me the jelly beans and I brought them intending to give them to Rob - but didn't - they are the ones that have all the different flavours - I know I will just eat them until I have finished the bag.... they are very addictive....

... so wide awake in Copenhagen..........

Blogging from Croatia...

....... sitting in Rob's beautiful garden as he drives Kerry to Zagreb, waiting for the washing machine to finish and then I'll take Tommy the dog for a walk by the river Drava. It is very sunny and peaceful with birds cheeping and the wind blowing in the trees. There is an occasional car passing on the road and the whirrrr of the washing machine..... this is where one of my three sons lives... how strange it might feel but how ordinarily lovely it does feel.....

Varazdin is a magic place to me - and yesterday as Kerry and I walked through the old town before Renata's wedding it felt 'magic' ..... I wrote on Facebook the other day - I don't believe in coincidences I live them.... and Varazdin is proof of that... I watched a webcam in 1999 and now my life is intrinsically entwined with this part of Croatia, personally and professionally!

Having been very peaceful - the bells are loudly ringing at the Church next door, the washing machine has gone into overdrive and the dog has started barking madly at another dog on the street.... life can change so very quickly!!!!

Yesterday was Renata and Edo's long awaited wedding day - two young people now living in America, also entwined in my life.....

....... and today Kerry left - the Australian connection so very strong after two weeks of being together...... again both personally and professionally..... wonderful weeks of learning and thinking and joy. We both cried as she left and it felt poignantly sad.... surprising both of us with our depth of feeling...

But now I think the washing machine has finished and I will take the dog for a walk - like you do when you are home - this time in Croatia.......

Off again in the morning....

... for nearly two weeks.....

....... been dancing tonight which was lovely - haven't been for three weeks - I love dancing!

Off again tomorrow - lots of meeting in five countries but in the middle we will stay at Rob's and go to Renata's wedding in Varazdin..... lovely!

..... feeling tired but very happy - today was a red letter day!

quiet night in.....

....... which is lovely - listening to Nicolas Nicolby on audiobook - just had my tea, enjoying the lightness of a lovely June evening in my flat.

I am missing talking to my Mum - she is back in Abbeyfield after the flood but in a different room and without her phone. I know she's doing well as I have talked to Jenny but I really do miss talking to her - as I usually do most evenings....

.....I am going to see her with Jimmy on Sunday so that will be good.

Naples was really good - being a tourist and then the work - amazing young people from a very tough environment - it felt very special to connect and talk deeply with them.... which was quite extraordinary as I don't speak Italian - but Michela translated superbly - and I suppose because I am so often talking to non English speakers that I am quite good in expressing myself in translatable English... sometimes I also seem to be able to understand conversations... which is wonderful.

Got rather bitten by bedbugs in the hotel - been trying not to scratch - but they are going down which is good..... rather a lot to do at work before off again next Tuesday..... feeling good - if a bit itchy!

Being a tourist!

This weekend I have been a tourist. This is the second time in Naples this year and I have always wanted to see Pompeii - so I came a day early - going to Pompeii and Herculaneum as well. They were fantastic - different from what I had thought - I had imagined images from a schoolgirls text book - but the reality was amazing - 2000 year old physical history. I love houses type history - and the thought of this was where real people lived until one day their entire city was destroyed was so thought provoking. 2000 years ago people lived in these streets, bought and sold from these shops - watched theatre, including gladiators fighting to the death,  listened to music, bathed in public baths and lived very human lives........

Now I am living a very human life in the 21st century, taking photos with an iphone, posting pictures for friends around the world to see... talking briefly to my sons in three different countries as they met  each other on a Skype call - planning a family week in Prague...... what an amazing life! Shortly Michela will arrive and we meet up with some people to finalise tomorrows children's event.... another amazing aspect of my current life!

I have been feeling very excited over the last few days.... Edinburgh really focused my thinking and I returned from the conference quite high on what I could begin to see about the future..... and today was a cherry on the top of the cake day!

.... A strange week....

It's Sunday morning - early - and I am in bed - my Mum is sleeping in the next door room - a little figure curled up in my spare bed....... Abbeyfield where she lives - her home - had a flood on Thursday. - the cold water tank burst and went through the house. I'm not certain of the details but it sounds like her room, and the one above, were badly damaged and she has had to move out for several days. She has been at my sister Ann's, now mine and tonight Jenny's after lunch at Fiona's - our mutually busy lives just about overlapping enough!

My Mum was good yesterday, beginning to enjoy the unexpected holiday, but she is also very upset about  the uncertainty and her memory constantly trying to recall facts and details, which seem to disappear so quickly from her mind.

Jim came round for tea - I will really miss him in Liverpool from July..... when he moves to Prague.... He has a wonderful calm energy and presence...... and having him living just around the corner has been a joy.

I have just spend a few rich days in the Netherlands, work plus testing out ideas for my future plans..... It is all feeling right and exciting but also I know it won't just come to me..... I now have to do the work!

So breakfast with my Mum and then pack and off to Edinburgh for the week..... Will be spending time with dear friends as well as working..... Lucky, lucky me!

A wave just hit me and knocked me over...................

I was walking to work just now and I was trying to recall something - actually it was the exact times of my sons births.... when I suddenly had this really clear thought 'I'll ask Chris - he will remember' 

................  and it was like a wave of huge grief just hit me.

Haven't felt this for quite a while....

I do go to grief - often when I dance - but the unexpected wave has shaken me. So am in my office trying to prepare for a days work and just feel like curling up and crying.....

BUT now I have expressed it - thank you blogg - I already feel better.

Strange though how something can come so out of the blue......

Busy, busy......

Home and happy! Came back from Brussels late last Wednesday and the days seem to have just flown by.....

Cologne and Brussels were really good, packed full of lovely people and lots to reflect on..... this is a very special time for SiS Catalyst...... three and a half years on - fast approaching our final few months....now is the time to pull together all the strands of learning......

........ and it all seems to be coming together - in beautiful waves of insight. Not yet all clearly articulated but it is a great feeling to be able to begin to see where it is all going..... and increasingly I can see beyond the end of the year and this also includes into the next stage of my own life!

I am also feeling quite tired - working hard during the days and then just wanting to do very little in the evenings..... but that's OK. But feeling very happy and my feeling of happiness has been reflected in the beautiful weather we have been having.... It does seem to be an exceptionally beautiful spring/summer.... full of contrasts in the weather - yet the richness of the colours and abundance of the trees and plants has been especially strong - all framed in the blueness of the sky and contrasting rich clouds...... just lovely!

So busy, tired and happy..... Life's good!

It's Saturday night and I'm in Cologne.....

..... and it's quite late but I am not sleepy....

..... I love the unexpected..... and that's what I have had..... an unexpectedly great couple of days.

I will be travelling to  Brussels tomorrow and have planned that for ages and then I realised that I should  be in Cologne for this conference - I love my life as I am not even certain at which point I  realised I should be here..... but I did ...... and then I am here!

But I feel very strongly that it is so right that I should have been here and feel I have learnt so much from being  here....

Today I think so many things have just  'fallen into place'.......which just feels wonderful as I was going through a real period of not being quite sure where I was going..... I know I have made decisions about next year - going part-time from January - finishing of my work at Liverpool and moving on..... but quite what I was going to be doing was not clear to me...... but now it is!!  Love it.......

The details aren't clear but they are not important - I know what I am...... and now know what I should be doing.......  and this is the most important thing......

The knowing what I am has come as a bit of a surprise.... but again not really - it feels like I have just looked in the mirror and seen myself..... I knew who I was.....  but when you are inside yourself you don't really know how you look like to other people..... and now I have looked in the mirror - and thought:  "Of course!!!! That's me.... that's what I look like, that's who I am!"

I was beginning to see this after I came back from Peru.... but these last couple of days have really given me a clear insight into what I am.... and as a consequence what I need to do.

OK - sounds a bit vague but now I know what I want/need to do I just have to let the Universe do the  rest!

So tomorrow I meet Jolanta after breakfast and we will talk and maybe visit the Cathedral of Cologne and later I will get the train to Brussels for a few days of meetings... doing what I do now..... but also following my intuition as to what I will be doing in a year or two!!!!!

Isn't life just so INTERESTING!!!!!!!!! As my Mum said to me the other day.

xxxx

Not sure what's happening.....

... has been a strange few days - I had a virus/food poisoning - not sure what - but 3/4 days of sickness - it has been a joy to feel physically good today - been dancing tonight followed by a meal of  fish and rice - being hungry makes food really appreciated..... having written that..... makes me think that I don't appreciate food as much as I should, ordinarily.


Things at work have had elements of sadness recently that I have yet to really understand and life has felt strangely uncertain and 'rocky'..... I thought for a while what word I wanted to use there ..... I was thinking about journeys - walking on a path, or in a boat on a river.... 'rocky' being the terrain....  ...rocky could just be a little lumpy bit on the path/river - or could be huge obstacles... I think I mean manageable rockiness.. something that made the journey a bit harder work - but not really massively difficult/or impossible. I suppose that when life is a bit 'rocky' - you just have to go with the flow a bit more - accepting you can only do what you can do - and just doing your best.....

Yes... the journey has been a bit harder last week, not certain why..... the previous weekend had been so wonderfully joyous.... but maybe that's the way things have to go?

My Mum is good... I have so loved her memories of her birthday weekend.... all the details completely blurry.... she remembers who was there - she is very clear on that - recalling them individually with her memories around them..... she also remembers the sunshine and a beautiful feeling of the Spring - the beautiful budding greenness of the trees and fields etc that we drove through, walked and picnicked in.... but the details are lost. She is aware of this - she told me yesterday - "I had such a wonderful weekend but I just can't remember any of the details of the days, what we did etc"... even with photos to remind her.... the detailed memories are gone.

I think it is really important that she remembers the totality - the fact that it was a really wonderfully, happy weekend - the details of what and when are not important to the memory of happiness.... Buff - the small things are crucial in what we do on a day to day basis but irrelevant for our memories?

Maybe that is true - doing/living with the importance of the details is hugely important - remembering the details is not important - I will have to reflect on that.............

Feeling full!!!!

It has been a very special few days, memorable...... and tonight I have felt quite emotional as I sorted out photos.....

It was my Mum's 94th Birthday and with Jimmy and Sophie we went to a cottage in Wales for a long weekend, with my cousin Lizzie and Andrew joined by Evie and Michael.... and it was extraordinary and special.

My Mum was just so happy!!

To be 94 and to be so full of energy and happiness is truly beautiful. She is usually pretty cheerful, unless she has her back pain... but her joy throughout the weekend was just precious......

I went dancing last night when I got home and danced through a huge wave of emotion.... I was surprised as it was unexpected after such a lovely weekend..... but on reflection it seemed very right.

My Mum is very old - 94 - she has had a rich and fulfilled life and is now living her life with gratitude and appreciation - which is lovely - she hasn't always been like this - but particularly since my Dad died - she has changed.

Last night when I danced I was very aware that I was dancing on the edge of duality where joy meets pain.... being so close to my Mum and feeling her happiness.... knowing it is so very precious because it is so consciously finite.

Life is....................

          ........... for living!

Lovely evening in Krakow!

... today I woke in Liverpool - this morning worked from home - emails, phone, Skype .... went 10 minutes down the road to Liverpool airport - easy on time flight - dozed - was picked up at Krakow airport - hotel - Jolanta arrives - beautiful deep dinner conversations - now back at hotel blogging.

We discussed the Universe - and how things just happen - but maybe only easily if you are open to them. Loved the learning that Jolanta shared with me - her version of the SiS Catalyst journey - special and magical.

Don't know how we record - capture - identify (world of work words) this learning - but am feeling increasingly close to finding a way........ I am Buzzing!!!!!!!!

Whirlwind world...........

It does seem to be a whirlwind that I (we) are living in - time is a very strange dimension - and sometimes I think whole days/weeks have flown by and sometimes the present moment seems perfectly endless.

Am at home - go to Krakow tomorrow - but not for long - it's been a very busy time since I came back from Peru/Germany......  the wonderful thing has been the clarity of thinking which has stayed with me..... This last week I have felt really happy and fulfilled and sure of things - though actually things have been increasingly less certain!

Not sure what this means - but it does feel like a time of great change.

Change - embracing change - recognising that it is happening and not resisting it - is increasingly what I am sure about.... but with all this change going on - to be sure of anything is amazing!!!!!

Lovely evening tonight - a Wedding Skype with Rachel and her Mum - Jim and I in Liverpool - they in Qatar - sorting out the important little things.... then a funny conversation with Alex arranging a visit in May, and just how a long chat with Pat...... the importance of family is about those who you love and share your life with, worry about, care for, sometimes argue with.... don't necessarily see that often - but one of the joys of technology is to be able to keep in touch with...... if you choose to.......

It is almost impossible to write a blogg without recognising and feeling gratitude for all the multitude of things I have in my life. I am just so blessed.

Feeling on the edge of being overwhelmed,

... tonight I got back from Berlin after a two day conference in Halle, Germany... which I arrived at straight from Peru - well via Panama and Amsterdam.... and tonight I have been putting photos on Facebook.... they only tell a fraction of the story .... I looked at these photos and also talked to a dear friend on the phone and I am just so full of amazement at my life.....

Not just being where I have been... but the learning ...... I can see my learning - am almost standing outside myself  as I watch myself learn..... and the people that I have been so blessed to have met - wonderful, amazing people... of all ages.

This  is currently my Fb profile picture and I just love it..... I am feeling so alive...... and so grateful....... buzzing!!!!

time......

...... yesterday I gave my notice in at work! In 9 months I go part-time and sometime before the end of 2015 I will leave the University of Liverpool - I started working for the University in 1984 - so basically most of my working life!

I had one partner for over 30 years and one employer for over 30 years - not sure what that makes me..... maybe a creature of habit! Not how I would usually describe myself!

I do have a wonderful job though...... and on reflection I know I have made my own world of work - looking back I have made things happen... people often ask me how I ended up doing what I do.... and I have a very easy answer which may well sound simplistic.... I followed my intuition... I did not plan a career - I did what my heart told me was the right thing to do......  which many times was not always the easiest thing to do.......

Sometimes things didn't go as I expected or wanted ..... and there have been times when I was very frustrated by that.... but for many years now I have gone with my heart and it all just sort of happened!

Difficult to explain - but I suppose at the core of what I have done in my working life has been to try and make a difference.... and to try and make as big a difference as possible. Social justice - trying my best to do the right thing for the world.... Sounds pretentious!!! 

I also know that I was pretty fearless..... not going for the secure option - going to a risky place.... being an entrepreneur.... and being able to do that....  following my passion..... and getting money - looking back over the years a lot of money - around 70% of the costs for a team of up to 22 people - that was a lot of money!

And now I start to prepare for the next stage of my life.................... how exciting!!!!!!

home.....

..... am at home arrived from Paris this morning with Rene - we had stayed a couple of days with Alex and Lara - with Vaughn.... we had a lovely time..... we had come straight from Ghent - that was a very good conference ..... our penultimate SiS Catalyst conference - good, hard work - but that's what it's all about!

I have been thinking a lot about the future - my life will be so different in a year - no conferences to arrange - no more work travelling - having said that I am sure that I will be doing both - working and travelling - but what and where - who knows!!!!

I feel I need to think about what I would like to do - maybe put some irons into the fire - but then to wait and see what the Universe has in store for me - I do feel increasingly excited about the unknown..... I also know that when something comes along - I must follow my heart... and to ensure that I listen to my heart..... the heart's voice can be quite soft and gentle...... So the most important thing for me is to ensure that I stay tuned in to the voice of my heart in order to hear what I should do....... Well it has worked beautifully up to now!

But tonight I go a dear friends birthday party - then see my Mum - Jimmy, Rene and Gilly for dinner - then a week at work then off again to Peru.

My heart feels happy! xxxx

home but off again!

....... got back from India on Monday - so lots of stuff still circulating around me - amazingly busy working  week - Jimmy and Vaughn for dinner on Tuesday, Steph arrived on Thursday - and we all go to Ghent in Belgium tomorrow morning - pick up at 5.45!

So crazy travelling life continues - wonderfully full - but what a world - feels right to be me - but pretty full on!

Being in India

... tonight I am  in Delhi with Jenny - today we visited the Taj Mahal - a couple of days ago we were at Kathan and Swati's wedding, last week we visited tribal communities and schools and stood on the salt desert of Raam with an astronomer friend of Abhay's and watched the moon rise, the sun set and heard the Indian legends of the stars.....

I am full tonight... full of so much.... so many special things .... the joy of being with my sister Jenny, meditating every morning and going deep together, being together.... tonight laughing so much at the noises around us..... at the moment the best gurgling toilet we have ever heard!

....Kathan and Swati's wedding and the privilege of being part of that... the amazing hospitality of Abhay and Shraddha.... flying with Kathan's grandparents.... that was special... everything being special... trying to appreciate every wonderful moment of this time.

India is India........ I had a text from a European friend who said 'I am trying to imagine but I am not sure I can.... ' I agree......  India is such a different place..... and is very difficult to describe...... duality but different  .... I think India makes you face - full on - the definition of everything.....

Similarities and differences...... this is the heart of everything - recognising our similarities (our humanity) and cherishing our differences (our individual journeys and their cultural contexts).

How blessed am I!!!!!!!!

Words are inadequate........

Flowing between worlds.....

Sometimes I am not certain what world I am living in........

I had a great conversation earlier today with someone who talked about living life by flowing between two worlds..... it resonated a lot with me.

One  of my current blessings is that I spend quite a bit of time on my own... something that earlier on in my life was my greatest fear - but now is a great place to be - and somewhere I often just want to be - on  my own. Not only to on my own but consciously being on my own - I think that this is the cross over point between the two worlds - the conscious awareness of being alone - and loving this! OK sounds bonkers - but feels like where I am.

..... it's not always easy to be here though - and I think that's the thing about living in two worlds. Anyway not complaining - how could I - living the life I do - with all the blessing I have?

So tonight I put my out of office on for two weeks plus a few days..... tomorrow I meet Jenny at Mum's house and we go off to the airport for our Qatar/India adventure.... the bit that amazes me is that that we are being hosted for the entire trip by friends/family - how did that happen?

I feel tonight that is the flow - if you go with it you - it is no surprise to have friends/family across the world - go with the flow........crazy but truly wonderful!

Packing to go to India..

Seems strange - definitely not  got my holiday head on yet...... know I have done most of the things I have to do workwise, before I go - but am unsettled yet about that.... knowing things that are not in my control, need now to occur - my one concern is that things will not happen because I will be away - decisions that come up and need to be made.... but on Wednesday I will write an email out of office and the next day fly to Qatar with Jenny..... so I have to do my best in the next three days to make sure all that I can do has been done......

The universe has arranged things very neatly in that I meet Rachel's parents for the first time in Qatar - when I saw that our flights to India stopped in Doha - it occurred to me that it would be an opportunity to see Rachel and to meet her parents - and now we will be discussing weddings!

Then off to India for Kathan and Swati's wedding, plus all sorts of other adventures arranged by Abhay, Kathan's father, meeting David and Nalani from Hawaii in Delhi and hopefully Hector in Ahmadabad if we are both there at the same time.....wow!!!!!! How extraordinary and how amazingly blessed am I?

OK will continue my packing now, clean the flat and continue this blogg later after I have been to visit my Mum and met Jose the Spanish Intern at the airport.

OK - so am now home - Mum was not good when I arrived - she has been unwell over the last few days, she looked pale and worn and was sad - but she was getting better and we had a lovely afternoon, we talked about life and death, I gave my Mum a sound healing session - it is fantastic to see how they relax her - anyway she was much happier when I left, which felt special.

Mum's ailment is linked to her digestion and what felt very reassuring to me, was that she could track it right back to her childhood - she had felt her age yesterday as she was unwell, and was thinking that at 93, that any illness means her time has come...... to recognise that she had this problem all her life made us both happy!

She is also grieving for Ellen - in her own way - referring many times as to how Ellen had been 20 years younger when she died recently...... grief is always very personal......

So back to packing for India... reflecting and wondering at the turns and twists of an individual life's journey..... I have been think about this much recently - especially when talking to my Mum today - she and I talked beautifully deeply and it felt special to me - and I think my Mum - that we could talk about our soul's purpose .... of learning from this our own unique journey.

Special, special, special...........

buzzing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...........and am feeling great - though also feeling pretty buzzed out tonight!

Italy last week, my birthday weekend followed by three days of intensive work - lots of visitors - all welcome and all special -  lots and lots and lots of thinking, talking, reflecting, recognising change ...... and all that goes along with this - and also along with that the recognition of what we must now do.......... the work!

Responsibility is my word of the moment - and what a word....... a word that is easy to say but so difficult (sometimes) to put into practice........ but actually what it's all about - it's what we have to do..... knowing is easy (haha!) but doing with knowledge is such a different thing.... putting our money where our mouth is..... living it - not just speaking it..... doing what we now have to do - taking personal responsibility  - but not taking responsibility personally -  doing it, living  it... being it - and maybe taking time to recognise that we are part of the change, maybe triggering the change.... embracing the change..... being the change!

I started by saying I was buzzing - and I think the last paragraph proved that!

So today started early after hosting a small but wonderful dinner last night - the final event of three days of... work - my work, crazy wonderful amazing work.......  and this morning the discussions moved into the next stage of planning - after times when I have felt that I just couldn't see a way forward  (that was Monday!)

Yesterday was hard and unexpectedly wonderful - I was hosting an event and was anticipating it with pleasure... but the details of the right people turning up, in the right room and it being what they wanted and needed ..... with the words and discussion being meaningful, inspirational and life changing as well as the  coffee and the lunch being there etc etc  (thanks Natalie!) ... and feeling responsible - but knowing that I could only be responsible for the ingredients - the cake is always made by the ingredients, the right mixing, the temperature of the oven etc etc.

...... and it happened... I felt it went really, really well..... but you can never actually know what other people felt, or thought, or gained (or lost) from it.... but felt strongly that it moved my thinking forward - my learning - wonderful!

Tonight I feel tired - had a lovely evening with Jimmy - Rachel went back to Qatar on Monday... discussed weddings and ate well, had a great conversation with my Mum and were happy..... now I think it is time for an early night!

Buzzing bloggggg!!!!!

time to be off again....

..... so tomorrow I'm off to Italy - followed in very quick succession to all sorts of places... feels very right in a strange sort of way. I have been unwell over the last few weeks and a bit lacking in energy, and though I have been very happy to be home - I have also felt strangely restless to be off again - itchy feet!

Meetings in Italy - who would have thought that I would have meetings to go to in Italy? Mind who would have thought that one of my sons would live in France, one in Croatia and one in Liverpool with an American girlfriend living in Qatar applying for jobs in countries other than the UK because of visas - Wow!

Looks like we have become a family of itchy feet - or maybe a family that has followed our feet.......

Change is coming - change is all around us.... and that is not an easy place for any of us to be.... but it is where we are - so as I get ready to be off again - I am going to focus on where I am.... now  ...... though knowing tomorrow it will be somewhere completely different.... the winds of change are here.

As a Chinese proverb says - as told to me today by a friend - when the winds of change blow - people either build walls or windmills - and my reaction was - I build windmills - and this is exactly what I have to do.......... so off tomorrow to build windmills in Italy - how blessed  am I?

2014 has started....

... and it feels good! Still full of cold and have now got a horrible cough but it feels OK - the cough is probably a legacy of the flu. Today I went to work - which was a bit of a shock to the system after a lovely couple of weeks with family and friends - doing very little but being with them and enjoying their company and eating lovely food - very seasonal. We went to Hereford in a huge rambling old house, with big wooden beams built in the 1600s. Special -  lots of family including my boys and my Mum - it was just perfect.

I welcomed in the New Year by having a lovely evening with a couple of friends - we welcomed in  2014 with a Sound Journey, Wishes, heartful conversations, food made with love and dancing - it was lovely gentle way into 2014.

Yesterday I woke to the phone ringing and it was my sister Jenny telling me that my cousin Ellen had had a brain hemorrhage - she was still alive but very poorly. Still waiting to hear if there has been any developments...... she is only early 70s - the oldest of my cousins - but was very fit, walked a lot, slim build, healthy diet - the last person I would have thought of.

It's one of those things that you can't do anything about but wait.... keeps re-appearing in the mind..... My Mum was told but she has forgotten - well I have talked to her twice and she hasn't mentioned it - I am glad - she doesn't want to know - so she just blocks it out. She was noticeably frailer this holiday  - she also has a sadness which is new - well it's been coming on for a few weeks now...... Having said that she had a great holiday - loved it - loved the family all around, eating everything, joining in as much as she could, she even had a couple of glasses of wine one night and got very argumentative  about Hitler - Jimmy and Rachel made a very good audience - but you can't argue with someone who says - I know I am right because I was there!

So 2014 has started - with all of the fraility of life and all of the joy - from  new babies to sadness......

What an amazing world we live in - every precious second of it.

Goodbye 2013 and welcome 2014..........

Getting better slowly

... I feel like I have been ill for ages - but of course it has only been a few days.. but I think it was more flu than a cold... and I suppose I am just not used to being ill - lucky me! Chris always said I was an awful patient and I have only had myself to be with!

I have done a few work things between going back to bed, knitting and sleeping - but what has been very special has been my Mum. I phone her a lot - but she rarely if ever phones me - but she has really been with me over the last few days - she gets into 'loops' - ideas which appear and re-appear often -  and me being unwell has got into her head - she has been so lovely and solicitous - phoning me, worry about me, I have felt very close to her - and we have talked - and cried together - which has been special. She has been very concerned that I have been ill on my own - which actually has been OK - I'm just doing the right thing to get better - resting, drinking lots of honey herb teas and eating as much as I can.

I will miss my phone calls with my Mum - one day.

That makes me feel sad - and I suppose being ill is making me feel a bit sad - but that's OK too. I don't want to be self indulgent though - and I am grateful and thankful - just a bit sad too!

I suppose that's why I have been thinking about my future partner - thinking about my future.... but who knows what tomorrow will bring....... I hope it includes me feeling better - back to being normal me and full of beans again!

Full of cold.......

..... am full of cold and clearly not well - it started a couple of days ago - and I would have been off work today but people had come from London and the Lake District for meetings - so I went in - I really hope I haven't passed my bug on to them! I came back and just fell sound asleep. It's funny being ill - and I'm not used to it! I am trying to avoid taking any chemicals but will watch and listen to my body.

So I am all wrapped up in my warm little flat - drinking copious amounts of herbal tea with extra lemon, ginger and honey - just wanting to feel well soon.

This enforced rest has made me think about my future.... and in particular my future partner. I know he's out there but I don't know any more than that. It's an exciting prospect and one which will change  my life completely.... he could appear any day but equally he might not be in life for a long time - que sera, sera....... I joined an on line dating site last night - things to do when full of cold! I haven't paid any money and have only joined the first level.... but it was an interesting process - identifying what I am looking for in a future partner.

The site I joined is for people who identify as spiritual - and I had an interesting time - browsing! Most of the men were in the USA or Australia - which felt safe for me as I am just looking - but it looks like there are some really lovely men out there - which is nice to know!

But it has made me think that I  do need to be clear to myself that I am now looking for a long-term relationship - and thinking about my cousin Andy's advice - I should actually not look for a partner but find ways of making friends with a larger set of people first - but it will be useful and fun to have a look on line - seeing the things that the men say they are looking for was interesting!

But for now I am coughing and sneezing, with a very red nose, streaming eyes and headache - I don't think I will do the video for in the dating site tonight!!!!!

Life is an adventure though!

On holiday - at home.......

...... today I am on holiday.

I have told several people this over the last few days and the have just laughed at me - as if the concept of me being on holiday is funny - quite right too - my life is a holiday!

However...... today I am not at work, have nothing planned and am still in bed.... on holiday. so I will blogg - catch up with myself - maybe think about things in a different way - a way without obligations or effort.... I shall just be a Swan and glide effortlessly through the day.

Am having a 'thing' about the Swan at the moment - not certain what it means - but when you get several unexpected and repeating references to something I think it is time to take notice...... and explore what it might mean.

I have just looked in my Tarot cards and was surprised to read that the Swan signifies: Breaking old bonds and finding new rivers in which to swim. I didn't expect that...... but I do feel very strongly that I am moving into a new phase of my life.

I have been dancing for four days - Journey into Trance - with an amazing teacher Jonathan Horan...... I plunged deeply into the dance..... not holding back..... and not holding onto anything just letting my body and my soul immerse themselves in the liberation of following the wave...... It was especially liberating as I had a second teacher - a badly sprained foot which I acquired the night before the dance - through standing up too quickly from a chair!  It was a joy - very painful to stand on.... I had to 'dance around' my foot... it was truly wonderful - I danced on the floor, I danced on a chair, I danced on the altar, I danced without moving my right foot.... I danced ecstatically, joyfully, beautifully..... it was like my body radiated energy - and I had amazing dances with others - sharing our energies and releasing, releasing...... releasing......... buffffffffffff - I had such a FANTASTIC DANCE!

Yesterday I started to come back to Earth and had a lovely day, lunching and karaoking with Pat and Nita.... being family.... feeling loved and loving.... delicious.

So today I have no plans...... isn't that just such a gift - the weather is wet - with blue skies - seeing a lot of this unusual weather at the moment... and frost on the roofs of the houses... so I shall stay in bed..... happiness is! Then maybe  shall go and buy some little tupperwares as I seem to have given mine away and I like to freeze portions of meals... can't stand to waste food.

This is  a rambling blogg - reflecting my rambling holiday feeling...... I am glad I am on holiday - and know that the sprained foot was also telling me to slow down and stay grounded for a while - I have been dashing around the world for quite a while now!  I need to reflect on the new rivers the Swan is signifying.

Well I think that's what I will do today....... meditate........

I AM JUST SO BLESSED!

letting go......

... it's funny - but probably not - but I am having a few days off work - starting today - and suddenly my body and mind seems to have melted into exhausted goo!!!

I have been thinking today about my year so far.......  and I have been constantly on the go for months now, travelling, working, meeting people, being with family and friends, being very focused.... and very happy.... but absolutely non-stop.

Well today I stopped and it was like a ton of bricks landed on me!

I still have a few work things to do tomorrow and they are worrying me a bit - as today I just couldn't  get my brain to work at all... but I had told it to go on holiday - and it was just doing what it was told!

Anyway I am home - which is unusual! I was thinking about going away for a while but apart from being  down to stay with Lizzie in Devon this weekend - recovering well and it was a joy to be there - I am glad to be home - I will dance for the weekend - a special teacher and three days so that will help with my energy level! Go and spend time with my Mum - and maybe just not do anything - funny feeling it wont work out like that - but I will try and slow down for a few days..... feel less knackered just by writing this blogg!!!!!!

Saturday morning

.. and I'm in bed - Alex is sleeping next door - Sam and Jess are around at Jimmy's - a house they knew from their childhood - I think Rob and a friend are on the train on their way from London - communication with my eldest son can be a hit and miss! But his new phoned arrived here on Thursday - so hopefully will be easier after he gets that. Phones must be cheaper here than in Croatia.

The reason for them all being here is Pat's 50th Birthday - Jan's little sister - I have known her since she was a child - in a wheelchair for the last three years after a stroke - she is a wise woman - who has had a hard life - earlier I was wondering why some people have such hard lives and others like me - have such easy lives - or lucky lives as my Mum calls them.

I know our lives are about learning - our soul's journey of learning..... but our life's journey starts from the  moment of conception - the circumstances of our birth, our parents, position in family - let alone where we are born - all those things come into play - before actually anything that we do with our lives, the choices we make...... maybe this is just the mystery of our life - why did our soul choose to be born into this set of circumstances - what was the lesson it wanted to learn?

So why did my soul choose to be born into this lucky life? What did it want to learn? Good question this and am not certain I know the answer yet - maybe it was to learn to appreciate and to be happy.... if that was the case then I think I have learnt well!!!!! I do appreciate my lucky life, my wonderful family which goes so far beyond my biological family, my amazing job and all the blessings that that gives me, my wonderful husband of 35 years - and on and on - how blessed am I...... and yes how happy I am - lessons like this are just so beautiful......

...... and now I will get up and make a HUGE breakfast for all these wonderful young people who are in my life - and treasure every second of this special day within my lucky life......

I am just so grateful to be alive........

Not quite back to earth......

.... well am at home - arrived back from Poland yesterday afternoon - which I know was Sunday but all the days have been so intense and full - I can't say it looked or felt like an ordinary Sunday! Which of course it wasn't.

Well am home - Rene came back from Lodz with me - I was away for nearly two weeks - a Mentoring Associate  visit by David and Nalani from Hawaii to Jerzy and his team in Poland followed by a week of conference - all good - all more than good actually - but tonight I can feel it went really well - but am not sure if I could articulate it!

Think I am still living a bit on adrenaline - and the high of being...... not sure though what I am being.... probably exhausted - 10 countries in 10 weeks, in three continents, two/three day turn arounds...... But I am also high/elated/joyful/grateful....... the joy and insights of being me - and going where I go - to meet who I meet - is actually a bit overwhelmed - I do lead a truly amazing life!

in bed.....

and in my own bed which makes  change........ and I am thinking of spending most of the day here!

My body is tired, overcome to late nights, very early jet lagged mornings and a rough flight home when dehydration//low blood  pressure got to me and I ended up on oxygen. On reflection it was self induced, not deliberately, but as a consequence of me not listening to my body - being wrapped up in an amazing opportunity to meet and reflect - globally ....... and just not drinking enough precious water.

What  I loved most about the conference was the global thinking - not by all obviously but by many - I could see real global consciousness growing and that was fantastic. My own learning growing through the joy of reflection and the opportunity to feel the passion and wisdom of the other participants. It was a Congress - a meeting of minds -  and like everything you get back what you give. I know I contributed passion and...... I hesitate to write the word wisdom - but I think I should overcome my hesitation and recognise that I do contribute wisdom....... Wow that was a big thing for me to write! Sometimes I just feel like I have so little wisdom ..... in the sense of factual knowledge and research based information etc ...... whilst at other times my heart just sings with pure knowing and joy which seems greater even than wisdom......

Interesting.......

I love it when my blogg writing clarifies my thinking!

I was recently talking to Rene about Elders..... and I have not felt that I was ready yet to be an Elder..... but suddenly today I do! Not certain what this means yet..... but for me, maybe becoming an Elder means that I am becoming closer to the beautiful wise child within myself...... yes I like that..... her knowedge is not based on the content of my brain - her knowedge is based on the wisdom of my heart.......

.... back to this world.... so now I am home - arrived yesterday afternoon and apart from phoning my Mum I have done nothing but drink herbal teas and rested - and intend to spend today in a very similar manner - though I know I also need to go and walk in the park and be with the trees and the plants to complete my body balancing.

........ body tired, brain drained but heart singing!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE IT!

.....off to Canada tomorrow

.... holding close to my heart the news that things are going well in Devon - a week ago I was in Torquay hospital with Lizzie.... she was so very dangerously ill ..... and a week later she is home but her world completely changed.... but the news is as positive as possible - so that's great.

Will call in at my Mum's  tomorrow on my way to airport - she wants to send flowers - and Lizzie loves flowers so that will be a nice thing to do. I am all packed and plan to have an early night and as long a lie in tomorrow as I can manage........ Gilly coming round shortly and we will drink wine and talk which is what we do so well together.

Feeling tired but also strangely strong as I see things happen - unrolling in front of me....... the pace is furious though. Feel I just have to give into the speed - accept that life is changing so very quickly.... have spent a lot of today planning and talking about 2014 and 2015 - turn around and it will be 2016 - I wonder where I will be  then - could be anywhere - now that is exciting!!!!!!!

Days are a blurr......

...... and know I am not alone in this....

... back home from London - very, very good work but all a blurr.... tonight I am feeling physically very tired - which I am not really used to.... but I am holding close to me that Lizzie is doing a day at a time..... and my Mum is very happy after her weekend - it is strange but probably not - she got so much out of last weekend. 

Reflecting on the intensity of last weekend  - know I need to give myself sometime to just be me..... also London was good work but also intense in its own way!  Itis lovely to be in my flat - I have music playing and it just so very peaceful..... would go to bed but it is only 9 o'clock!

Thinking a lot about Lizzie, Andy, Claire and Nigel tonight and over last couple of days..... and their journey.... hard but filled with so much love...  and a huge privilege to witness - and to be included within.....

So the days are a blurr - but that's OK - need to stay present and appreciate the moment - every precious second we are alive - life is for living - but tonight it is for sleeping!

the unexpected curve ball!

.... am home it's Monday evening...... and it's hard to know where to start this blogg.

Friday morning I left early to take my Mum and Sophie for a little holiday to stay with with my cousins in Devon..... at the time I was just thinking about my Mum and travelling that distance and would she be alright, looking forward to spending time with Lizzie, Andy and their family etc etc -  when circumstances changed everything........

It is strange that we turn up for the weekend - much looked  forward to by all - hosts and visitors..... ..... when Lizzie my lovely cousin - becomes seriously and life threateningly ill.

So what has happened is that Lizzie has had major surgery - which she survived - and is now at a threshold of recovery (or not) - to be blunt.

But during this weekend we have  been......

....family

....... and tonight I am just treasuring the gift of family - to be able to love, to receive and to witness love....... is to be human - and to be consciously human is such a joy....... joy out of such an emotional and potentially sad weekend could be thought of as a bit weird - but it actually feels so right.  But the shadow of joy is grief.......

.... family means all of us.......

Seven years....

A long time - a short time - no time - all of time........

Seven years ago today my lovely man died - and two years ago tomorrow my lovely Dad died.....

........ and today I have been so happy..........

.... and I'm really proud of me!!!!!

There was a point today when I was walking into work in the sunshine and I just felt pure joy and happiness - there was also points today when I talked to two of my sons and felt their sadness...

......but overall I have been as high as a kite!

The main reason for this has been a beautiful falling together of so many work things and in particular their harmony and resonance with the spiritual dimension of my life.

I live in two worlds much of the time: Alegra's world and Tricia's world... there are people who know both but most people know one - but get glimpses of the other. One very much a spiritual being - the other a woman of this world.....

... and this is my 7 year journey - when Chris died - I was Tricia.... now I am both Tricia and Alegra - and this is the huge growth and awakening of the spiritual aspect of my being - or as my son's would call it - the old hippy part of me!

Tomorrow I take my 93 year old Mum to Devon. Three years after taking my Mum and Dad on their last holiday together to Devon and two years since she lost my Dad, her home, her mobility - as she broke her hip at that time.

We are going with my niece Sophie and  staying at my cousin Lizzie's - I just love family!!!!!! Talked to both and my Mum today - and all of us are just so excited about being together, being family...... treasuring the time we can spend together.... how is that defined? I see it as happiness as felt in the heart.... but also with gratitude that we are able to do this..... talked to Lizzie tonight and know that this also includes a recognition of grief..... which is OK too!

Looking back at this blogg post - I recognise that I have used the seven years well......... thank you Chris my lovely man for being in my life and being such a teacher to me.... and thank you my lovely Dad for cherishing me... I am grateful and blessed... and doing my best to be ME....... which of course is just a part of US!

Back home from Paris - how did that happen?

I live such an extraordinary life - I get a good idea and it sort of happens - which is weird but also wonderful!

So a few months ago I  thought it would be a good idea to go to Paris - work - linked to a workpackage - linked to my needing to know stuff.....  then I thought it would be a good idea to ask a group to go with me - a mixture of members of my current and also my previous team, including young ones.... So I make that happen  - then go off to Africa etc .... doing other stuff..... then suddenly it's Paris.....

Not explaining this well - as I am not certain how I actually make things happen - but I do! I could have gone to Paris for a meeting with maybe one or two other people and it would have been interesting - but I go with 7 very different people - I end up having a few days which were amazingly rich in learning.....

I know I make things happen but am still not certain exactly how I do this! 

Food for thought - crack this one and I am consciously manifesting!!!!

shouldn't start blogging at this time of night - should be sleeping!

Jet lag is funny - I just get wide awake when I should be sleepy - tomorrow morning I know I will struggle! But not  complaining -  I am so amazingly blessed to be having this opportunity to travel - and I knew this time would be pretty full - I go to Paris on Saturday - my 4th country in 4 weekends - then Ireland the following weekend for a wedding - really looking forward to that - as there will be many Spirithorse people there and I have so missed them!

Last weekend was quite poignant in Chicago for several reasons - not least as I can't see me going to another COE conference -  I have been to 13 of the last 15 years annual conferences and ran summer schools and study tours for COE students and staff for 12 years - and Mitch was such an amazing mentor for me for so many years - so extraordinarily important to my professional thinking, decisions and repute. It felt very important that I attended this conference as Mitch was retiring - and I am really glad that I did......  

.... but the USA after Africa was hard.  I knew would find it so because I always find the USA hard - and to go straight from Ethiopia and Kenya was always going to be difficult. It was also full of  'last moments' - these weren't bad or painful - but they were poignant.

There was also quite a lot of Chris grief - which came as a really big surprise...... his death 7 years ago was days after the COE conference in New York - Jimmy and I with many friends attended the 2007 conference - which was also in the same hotel in Chicago... I stumbled on my blogg posting of Chris's memorial service just as I was leaving for Chicago.... this sounds morbid - but it wasn't it was just about the recognition of grief.

Grief is good! That was unexpected learning....

Grief is about recognising truth - love of what is lost - plus all the sadness, regret, guilt for what didn't happen  but it is also about joy and  recognition of what is no longer - about what was beautiful - what should be recognised, celebrated, loved and treasured.

So that was how I felt and what I was thinking - and it has been a pretty hard ride - but I have also felt so loved during this time.... it also feels like a big step somehow - a moving on.......

.... and so we continue - to be alive is a gift.

Now it is very late and sleepy or not I must go to bed!!!

Back home and off again!

.... it's Thursday evening - I got back from Kenya last Saturday - went to see my Mum on Tuesday with Jim - couldn't go on Sunday as was waiting in for my luggage! We had talked quite a few times whilst I was in Ethiopia and Kenya - me being there - had brought back many memories of my Dad's time there - in the year she was waiting to marry him - special and wonderful conversations....

Now I am off to Chicago tomorrow - which feels pretty wierd.... September is a month of travelling.....

... early start tomorrow.....

Today I went to the biggest slum in Africa....

.... and it was....... lost for words - tonight I am feeling very full emotionally....

.... to see poverty beyond my comprehension - but at the same time to see such joy and hope - is also beyond my comprehension - OK so my mind is still struggling to get to grips with this - but my heart is singing!

Africa......

....tonight am in Nairobi after a week in Addis Ababa...... and the first chance to blogg.... so much has happened......

......... feeling quite lost for words..........

I suppose nothing really has happened except I have been given the opportunity to be me and to see and to learn...... I have been on a real learning journey.....

..... tonight I am back in the comfortable world of a nice hotel in Nairobi with good internet, hot water etc with insightful colleagues/friends from Brazil - and tomorrow I go on another African journey.

Spoke to my Mum tonight - she is amazing and she listened with love to my stories of where I have been....

.... learning, learning, learning....... LOVE IT!!!!!!!!

....off again.....

... and not feeling nervous - but really, really excited!!!!!!

It's Saturday teatime and tomorrow morning at 4 I have to leave for the airport - I'm all packed - just thinking through what I might have forgotten - and tomorrow I go to Ethiopia - wow, wow ,wow!!!!!!! For a week and then to Kenya for a week - lots more wows!!!!

I have been over to my Mum's today with my sister Fiona and for the second week reading some of my Father's letters to my Mum. They met in Germany in 1945 at the end of the second world war - and after very few weeks (3-6 my Mum moves the figure)  became engaged - and then my Dad was posted to Abyssinia  (Ethiopia) for a year.

So last week I started to look at my Dad's letters - to see if I could see where he had been posted etc. I discovered that he had spent quite a lot of the time in Nairobi - but beyond that very little abut the places he was stationed - or what he saw etc.

But what I did read was extraordinary; the outpourings of love from a young man to a young woman - separated by half a world. They wrote daily (with occasional misses - explained with love and details of 'no light' or 'a party at the Mess') and it was just beautifully from the heart.... real love letters...... letters of love from a young (remarkably innocent and naive) young man to the love of his life. Bufffffffff

I read some out to my Mum...... we cried last week - so this week I selected more.... she hasn't been able to face these letter before - but I think she will now start to read them again on her own. The love of 66 years - in the words of a young man. So amazingly beautiful. I nearly wrote poignant - but I don't think it is poignant - I think it is JUST BEAUTIFUL - that my Mum can read the words of love, written from the heart - from the love of her life. The fact that he wrote them 68 years ago is irrelevant, the fact that he is dead is irrelevant. He loved her then and he loved for all the rest of the 66 years they were together - she misses him so much - but to have been loved like that is truly special.....

My Mum says often - I'm so lucky - and today witnessing this - she is.... I have become strangely short of words - bit overwhelmed by it really.

Then tomorrow I go to Ethiopia!

Lots more stuff in my heart... but the restlessness of the night before travel has come over me - and I need a really early night.......

WOW!!!!! - the only word to describe how I feel tonight, blessed, deeply appreciative and so EXCITED!!!

Sunday evening... how did that happen?

... it only seems seconds ago it was - yesterday, last Sunday, a year ago.........

This week has been a real - up and down sort of week - but on reflection maybe this is not a bad thing.

Trying to find answers.......

We live in a world were we see things as linear - but maybe not everything is linear? Maybe we live in a spiral universe - so going up and down is in the context of going round and round. So maybe all this means is that when we feel we are going up and down - we are actually going forward - all be it in a strange sort of jumpy fashion!

Back to earth....  there have been great bits to my week, Steph being here for several days, Jimmy back in Liverpool, settling into the house, work prickly but eventually being able to see really clearly what needs to be done and having an amazing day on Wednesday working with young people - wonderfully, mind-blowingly good!

But there has been down bits - not certain what - a sort of heavy feeling about 'stuff' - now that is not a very clear description! OK - I have struggled with something this week - which is very deep within me - I will use this blogg to explore it.......

......I love blogging - because now I have to write down what exactly has been 'bugging' me all week!

Well..... it's been about 'manifesting' - for quite a while I have known - consciously - that there is a really strong relationship between - 'what I expect - and what I get'. I see it happening - I look back over my life and I can see when and how it happened. Small things and big things.

I have been reflecting on these and my thinking has ended up understanding that these things happened in order for me to learn....................-

As I got clearer about why things things happened because I learnt this or because I learnt that .... then I can comfortably move to - it all happened actually  'for a purpose' - I then moved on to 'Wow - I made these things happen.... because this is what I learnt from that.'

Pretty bonkers stuff - but all making prefect sense to me!!!

The next stage is to then say - OK - 'If I  can do this - if I can make things happen - then what should I consciously manifest?'

At this point,  I got into a very difficult loop of thinking - do I manifest something because I want it - or do I manifest something because I will learn from it - two completely different things.........

Anyway - I have been wrapping myself up in this thought loop for a while now - since the point that I clearly saw the relationship between me manifesting things which happened in my life - somethings because I wanted them - but most because on reflection - I learnt so much from them.

I believe that I have been manifesting my life -this beautiful rich life I lead - I am responsible for it.....Quite a big leap in thinking this - but I have to say it is where I am - and where I have been for a while now.

So Dear Blogg readers - thanks-you for staying with me - and yes this is a pretty convoluted thought chain!

So the dilemma is - now I 'know' what I am doing - what do I manifest - what I want (nice stuff)? or stuff for me to learn (which might not be so nice stuff)?

I am surprised (but also not surprised) that I have ended up understanding that what I have to go with is ....... faith. Now this is a really difficult word/concept for me - because I equate this word with religion - and total knowing, total clarity - and also total dogma, blindness, lack of thinking......

So... now you see my dilemma - loving the manifestation concept, seeing/living its reality - knowing that I can do it consciously - and then finding that what I manifest has to be based on faith .

So I have to have faith - in other words I have to 'know' in my head - that I don't actually 'know' - but to 'know' in my heart - that I actually do 'know'. Because I am living it!

Well this has been a long - and not easy blogg to write, Thank you staying with me - am aware that I am not clear yet - but loving the process of getting there - and Sooooooo excited about what I am manifesting!!!!

Life's amazing - and probably spiral - have faith! xxxxxx

Deliciously beautifully bonkers.....

......on a lots of levels!

 

Love it -  it has been an amazing week - with three really big things happening! 

I am now at home in my little flat - but holding close to myself the joy that Jimmy and 4 of his friends are now the Tenants ( as defined by law!) of Cheltenham Avenue. Lots of stuff here - and from my point of view - a lot of resolution. This was my lifetime home for over 30 years - my family home - Chris and my home - where I brought my new born babies to, where I brought my family up, where I was happy, where I confronted the most beautiful and the hardest lessons I could ever face etc,etc...... I left it three years ago - not easy - but now the house is taking a new life, the home of Jimmy (and Rachel) in Liverpool plus four of his friends - love it! Though the complete lack of furniture, fittings and everything else was a bit unexpected - but after the shock have loved  the lack of  memories.... 

Second big thing was coming back to earth after Singing in the Wild! Won't even try to start explaining this - need to blogg sometime with honesty and openness and try to explain where I go - and who I am in the valley -  but I am ME - beautiful, spiritual, true and authentic- oh yes - and divine - so not easily put on a blogg!!!

Third thing was work - an amazing falling together of 'stuff''..... too tired tonight to detail but it was  amazing when the day to day stuff - the every day norms - fall in line with the bonkers reality of my other life! It is also hard to make sense -sorry!

It's Friday night  and I have been drinking wine with Gilly.

xxxxxxxx.. and something is making me sneeze - atishu!!!!!

In Brazil

Extraodinarily - I am currently in Rio de Janerio - and tonight I fly to Washington DC...... how did that happen!

I am staying in a beautiful apartment in Ipanema a block away from the amazing beach - courtesy of a beautiful woman that I met in Lima at Easter. Her journey is not easy and it has been a privilege to have spend time with her in this wonderful city.

I have been amazed by Rio - it is just a wonderous city - the amazing combination of the beaches, urbanity, extraordinary mountains and people. I love it! I am frustrated by the language as my Spanish is not good enough for me to transfer to Portuguese - but one day it will be!

I have reflected a lot about my future whilst I have been in Brazil - deep and personal conversations in Sao Paulo and then here in Rio - aware that I am in South America - and feeling so much at home.... but  I do feel so much an Earthling  - at home in the world, rather than just one bit of it.

I have also felt how positive I am - and that this is what I also receive back. What you give is what you get. This process of being positive - expecting and accepting - is a circular one - but it is not a passive one. I believe that when I see an open door - I go through it - but not by just drifting through it - but by walking through it - consciously taking responsibility for my own actions.

I suppose this is the relationship between the conscious mind and the intuition of the soul.

Well I know I feel blessed - and I know I am consciously happy - and I know I have a last day in Rio to  explore this amazing city.............. and I am here - where ever that is - living my life in the present, with so much gratitude and love - lucky, lucky, lucky me!