.... but it feels OK - in fact it feels pretty amazing - in a slightly weird and a bit spaced out sort of way! It feels like something has stayed from Spirithorse - a kind of beautiful peacefulness - which is slightly in contrast to my life at the moment - which could be a bit stressful!
My sisters Jenny and Ann are walking the Camino de Santiago and left on Saturday - they will be away 6/7 weeks - which is something that they have both wanted to do for a very long time, so that is special and important - and it means that Fiona and I need to support our parents - my Dad is back in hospital - and very frail - and my Mum is on her own and feeling lonely and depressed.
.............. and I just feel amazingly happy! I don't know quite why - my Father is getting closer to dying and my Mum is having to look at her own mortality - something that she has got to the age of 91 without doing before - so that is a bit of a shock to her system - she is actually just not going there - old age and death are for other people!! She is looking really beautiful, and has a child-likeness which is also beautiful..... she has also got an insight which I don't think that she realises. For example when I talked to her on the phone last night - she said 'Your Dad's not really in this world anymore.' And she is right - he is not really in this world anymore - he is just so tired and frail - but very wonderful and caring - always thinking about my Mum - worrying about her.
I am filling up with tears as I think of how my Mother put her hand on my Dad's - trying to connect in the impersonal awkward reality of a hospital bed and visitors chair.... and my Dad asking if my Mum had eaten soup - he talked a lot about soup - comfort food - worrying - then drifting away..... he is very old and very tired........... but my Mum just continues, talking, wanting to go swimming, wanting to go out and do things, forgetting a lot of day to day details but still so full of energy....
Energy - I have just been dancing and feel so very alive, awash with energy, buzzing and electrified with energy - though it feels a very peaceful energy - a calm and gentle energy - just a lot of it!!!!!
My sisters Jenny and Ann are walking the Camino de Santiago and left on Saturday - they will be away 6/7 weeks - which is something that they have both wanted to do for a very long time, so that is special and important - and it means that Fiona and I need to support our parents - my Dad is back in hospital - and very frail - and my Mum is on her own and feeling lonely and depressed.
.............. and I just feel amazingly happy! I don't know quite why - my Father is getting closer to dying and my Mum is having to look at her own mortality - something that she has got to the age of 91 without doing before - so that is a bit of a shock to her system - she is actually just not going there - old age and death are for other people!! She is looking really beautiful, and has a child-likeness which is also beautiful..... she has also got an insight which I don't think that she realises. For example when I talked to her on the phone last night - she said 'Your Dad's not really in this world anymore.' And she is right - he is not really in this world anymore - he is just so tired and frail - but very wonderful and caring - always thinking about my Mum - worrying about her.
I am filling up with tears as I think of how my Mother put her hand on my Dad's - trying to connect in the impersonal awkward reality of a hospital bed and visitors chair.... and my Dad asking if my Mum had eaten soup - he talked a lot about soup - comfort food - worrying - then drifting away..... he is very old and very tired........... but my Mum just continues, talking, wanting to go swimming, wanting to go out and do things, forgetting a lot of day to day details but still so full of energy....
Energy - I have just been dancing and feel so very alive, awash with energy, buzzing and electrified with energy - though it feels a very peaceful energy - a calm and gentle energy - just a lot of it!!!!!
Perhaps I have to feel this good to do what I have to do over the next few weeks - or maybe people like me just feel happy and joyful - because it is where we are... I don't know - I do know I can see the pain, the grief, the fear and the longing - I can see it in myself as well as in others - I recognise it - but it is the edge - the point where joy/grief exist together that we live on - we just have to accept that and then decide which one to live with!
