Wow moments!!!!!

I'm on my own in Raul's flat in Sao Paulo - he had to go to Brazilia - and I leave for Medellin tomorrow morning - so I'm sat in the front room watching as a storm cloud full of rain rolls in - the flat is on the top of a hill and on the ninth floor - so you see over a part of the city - it is a very big city - so only a part! And I have just watched the rain coming - rolling over the high rise blocks of flats like a grey blanket of mistiness with lots of wild wind banging noises - and now it is really starting to rain - like a huge breath being exhaled - a magical soft noise - the soft sound of the grey blanket! As the windows are always open the freshness of the rain is all around me. So a beautiful Wow moment - life is sooooo amazing!!!!!!

Loving Brasil......

Have been here for a few fantastic, wonderful, jam packed days of Carnaval, parties, meeting and connecting with amazing people and children.... and lots and lots of dancing! This is a holiday and a half!!!!

Yesterday we went to a Samba bar and we drank beer and ate traditonal food and danced to hours of wonderful music - I was in my element.... I am not able to really talk with many people except when Raul translates - as I find Portugese very different to Spanish - but it didn't matter - I have loved listening and focusing on the conversations as you can see much without understanding all the words - that has come out of the last few days very strongly to me. When we understand the language I think we can make assumptions about what people are saying and don't really 'see' them when we are talking...... and of course the language of dance is universal! I think it's my first language - next time I fill a form in which asks Which languages do you have? I think I'll say Dance, English and some Spanish.

The day before was truly extra-ordinary - I was very honoured to be welcomed into a community - meeting open hearted people who work with passion, commitment and politics and of course children...... it was so inspiring... I am crying as I write this - I loved the honesty I met - truth seekers... the difference between 'Working with passion and soul' and 'Doing a job' is huge. It is something that the distance of being here is really showing me...... why do we do anything in this life unless it is with passion and soul?

Bufff - big thoughts here - but beautiful ones! So my journey in South America continues and I will do my very best cherish every precious second and to live every moment with total passion and soul - as it is the only way to live!

And oh yes - I was in the Carnaval!!!! X9 Samba School in a truly mind blowing costume, dancing in a block of about 50 people dressed like me - there was about 50 Blocks and floats in the X9 school parade - truly wonderful experience - my friend Raul has welcomed me into his life and world, for which I am truly grateful - how blessed am I!!!

Getting ready to go to Brazil....

Joyously excited about going to Brazil and Colombia - on holiday - though with some work in there - but with my life and job it isn't possible to separate the two! Have spend all weekend cleaning my flat and doing a Prezi presentation in Spanish - and having Gilly and Jim for tea tonight and sorting out my summer clothes - and getting excited!!!!

Spoke just now to someone about the feeling of change and movement in my life - which I also think is happening in all our lives - I also talked about having a very strong feeling of moving on -  and of certainty. It's a bit weird really as I have this huge feeling of certainty - a profound sense of knowing that I am doing what I should be doing - using the happiness litmus test as I go along - but also a beautifully strong feeling of not actually having a clue of what I'm doing or where I am going - delicious!!!

I think I am increasingly childlike in this - several people have called me childlike recently - childlike - not childish. I read the other day: 'In general, Children see the World through Eyes of Courage, Adventure, Fun, Wonder, Fascination, Love, Compassion and Fantasy.' If that what  being childlike means then I am all for it!!

So on Wednesday I'm off on an adventure - how very exciting is that!!!!!

happiness is....

... spoke to my Mum tonight - didn't get over because of weather - but phoned her - and she was happy (good day) Read my blogg of yesterday to her over the phone - and we both cried - lovely healing tears of love - proud of both us!

... and we both had a bouquet of Evie & Michael flowers smiling in front of us  xxxx

Happy to blogg.................

.... in fact I have been looking forward to it all day - in that nice warm - close to the heart feeling - this evening I will sit in my cosy little flat and blogg!!!

Have had a truly beautiful day - apart from driving my Mum back on icy, slippery roads - horrible - I do NOT like driving on icy roads!

But a lovely Saturday - 'a memorable day' - according to my Mother which is special.... She is finding it so hard at the moment - selling her house - her home of 55 years - and passing on all her furniture and most everything else - as she now lives in a single room - moving on ..... so very, very hard.........

It was decided a few weeks ago that I would have Evie and Michael round for lunch on this Saturday - and this grew to include my Mum, Jimmy and Florian also came - (with Rob on Gplus and Alex on phone!)... wonderful technology!

So today I made a lovely lunch for 6 of us in Liverpool - steak and kidney pie, mushy peas followed by rhubarb and ginger crunchy crumble and custard - very British! And as my Mum said very memorable.....

Writing my blogg is all about me thinking and reflecting - and I have been thinking tonight - and looking back over my blogg to 5 years ago when I was a widow of 4 months - where my Mum is now ... and looking back IT WAS SO HARD!

My Mum is amazing - we were telling her after lunch - how inspirational she is - and she is - truly inspirational....

A year ago she was living her life - getting older with my Dad but living at home, and getting on with her life - I think I could see how fragile it was - but I don't think she did..... then 8 months ago a tsunami hit her ... starting with my Dad going to hospital after Jim's 21st.... her own major surgery.... my Dad running out of energy.... her breaking her hip.... my Dad's death, funeral and then her move home to Abbeyfield..... a tsunami indeed my lovely Mum - and as we told her today – she has come through all this change extraordinarily.........

She is now living semi-independently (in a home she set up and nurtured for over 40 year ) living an active life - in London last week for Bryony's graduation, holiday booked for July - cruise to Norway (with Fiona, Evie and Jenny) - just living her life - 91 and amazing - yes my Mum is truly inspirational!

Tonight I looked back on my blogg to where I was 4 months after Chris's death - I remember with heartache that January - Good Days and Bad Days - I was just living day by day... and it was really, really hard - but I also see that I was moving on.....

'Final thought re the Good/Bad Day thing - I do feel very loved - and how lucky is that - I was loved by Chris for 35 years and I continue to feel very loved now - after he has gone - so again how lucky is that - to feel loved is to feel special and that means you can cope with the Bad Days. ' Posted by Tricia Alegra Jenkins at Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Reading that makes me so proud of myself !!! I was in a hard place but I was holding on to the positive and moving on - on my own, but with love - moving on - painfully but also joyously ..... bufff ... my Mum and I have a lot in common xxxxxxxxxxxx

holding the space - buffffff....

Productive days - now gone..... leaving me knowing that  I have so much to process from them..... I have literally not stopped for 10 days - since the Thursday before last when I picked Rene up - til tonight when I dropped Steph off at the airport... wonderful, beautiful times, special, rich and so, so, so full .... hard work though - with all sorts of things happening to, with and around me...... and tonight I am finally letting myself be tired...... and I am ....  haven't been able to do so up to now because I couldn't!

I have been thinking about what I have done - and it sounds a bit weird - but I have been 'holding the space' ... not leading or coordinating but 'enabling' not quite the right word - but 'holding the space' for 50 people to come together - to see, hear and feel..... to reflect... to be open...... and to create...... we worked together to pull all this energy into something....  to glimpse a sense in the day to day - of how we can change the future .... 

Where I am now - is that I can see that what we did - we pulled our creative energy together - and we fused it into an 'arrow of intention'.... I love it - when we see - individually and collectively - when we see - we can shape the power of our shared co-creativity - we catch flashes of our ability to change the world through our recognition that we can!

Love it - need to process it - glowing with recognition that I am just so blessed and wonderfully deliciously tired - but am also not tired - actually feel really, really electrified.... buzzing..... joyous.... wow how happy am I - I AM xxxxxxxx

gearing myself up......

.... for a very, very busy week.... in fact it has already started as was in London yesterday with some kids, making a video and having a lot of fun, and Rene has been here since last Thursday.... birthday celebrations which were lovely - day in Chester with Margaret and Rene - visiting my Mum and Jenny - lovely days....

... and now the SiS Catalyst family are coming from around the world for 3/5 days.. wonderful and I must become very focused..... spent time this morning mediating on getting rid of any negative energies that had become attached to me - so feeling very peaceful  - computer putting this to the test by closing down on me all the time - think it may have a virus - technological negative energy!

But I know I need to be really focused and to do what I do - never certain what exactly this is - but know it when I am there....... it's like my whole being focuses - I come from a very, very high place - feels like I'm up above the world........ and then I focus.......  it's like all my attention swoops down on something really, really tiny but totally clear - like looking in a microscope and pulling it into focus - but from the stars!!! Then I am deliciously clear - at least in my mind - don't know if everyone always comes with me - but sometimes they do - and I can feel it and they can too - that's just so beautiful.......

So a busy bonkers week - of swooping from the stars and focusing - now to wake up Rene, pick up Steph from the airport... it's begun like all things with small things - the important things in life.

Quietness

Tonight is quiet - I'm in the flat - in silence - just having had my tea. This evening I was working with a group of kids that I am going to London with on Monday - we worked with Raul via Skype in Brazil - it worked but not sure how! Then food shopping - so it was late when I got in. I am writing this with a very strong feeling of the lull before the storm - as the next week or so will just be sooooooo busy - but a wonderful feeling of anticipation and excitement. I have also such a lot of things to do..... but that's good and I am so fortunate to be able to do what I do - whatever that may be!!!!

Rene is due tomorrow morning - just heard from her - on a plane in Seattle in a blizzard being de-iced before taking off for Amsterdam - technology takes my breath away..... Then SiS Catalyst family and friends will appear over the next few days - probably over 40 by this time next week - numbers vary as have had a flurry of emails today from people who didn't let us know they were coming - lots and lots of things to do... but also a beautiful feeling of a natural unfurling of what is meant to be... my life is truly delicious - not sure what I do - but I just do what 'feels' good and then go with the flow! Bonkers but beautiful!!!

Then tomorrow is my birthday - which is delightfully uneventful and unspecial - to be treasured for that - birthdays can be quite hard - I am however going out for dinner tomorrow night with a remarkably large number of wonderful people - wow I truly am extraordinarily blessed and very grateful for all the amazing people in my life xxxxx

making intentions.....

....it's the middle of the night and I have been awake for ages - don't feel unhappy but just don't seem to be able to sleep... have been thinking and setting my intentions... love it!!

Love the process - the pulling together of the whirling thoughts and ideas which swirl around all of us like a snowstorm of tiny diamonds - and then focusing in and shaping something tangible out of this..... identifying form out of the glittering fog - making it solid as a thought - an intention - then seeing clearly a path of action which leads from this..... but also knowing that the course of action many times means walking forward into the unknown - not having fear - just taking the first step. Feeling what to do rather than thinking or knowing what to do - following the road that my heart leads me to - using the happiness factor as my compass!

Sometimes it is a very quick process sometimes it takes a long time - looking back I think years!!

My intention tonight is to become a master of the process and to do it more consciously.... well now I have set my intention - I need to sleep - maybe to dream......

so excited..............

.......it's a new year and so many things are starting to happen - I am just so excited!!!!

Not always able to focus on everything though - do feel like my ability to focus is like a great big on/off switch - I'm either completely focused and give that 'thing' whatever it is - my complete attention - or have this kind of 'can't be bothered' sort of feeling.

I am thinking a lot about what makes me happy - and I suppose this is linked to the focusing thing - if it makes me happy I focus on it - give it my full attention - if it doesn't - I can't be bothered! Must make working with me a bit difficult! I hope not but I think I must be a bit unpredictable - but happy!!!

I heard  from someone the other day who said it was a good idea to start every day thinking about three things that will make you happy that day - and to ensure that you do them, then to increase the number of things!!!!

I am at the moment just joyously happy - having booked my trip to Brazil and Columbia - meeting and staying with wonderful friends AND I'm going to be IN the carnival parade in sao Paolo - how absolutely mind blowingly cool is that!!!!! I have no idea how I have ended up having such a magic  life - I suppose focusing on what makes me happy is a good start and I also feel so incredibly appreciative and grateful and very, very blessed - wow wow wow wonderful!!!!!!!!!

2012.......

....... has started - feels like I've just turned round and I'm in 3 days into the year already - weird!!!!

Had a beautiful New Year - very quiet, very personal with Fiona, Ian, Becki and the lively little Aidan but very, very lovely.... it is so good to be close to family - feel that I am increasingly enjoying just being close to friends/family - and I do feel that all the people that I connect with regularly with - are just that friends and/or family - both - neither one nor the other - just close to me - and how special is that!

Blogged about this feeling before - and it is a very strong and growing feeling - a lovely warmth of connectivity....

So 2012 has started - I'm home - got back late afternoon and am having one of my - 'strangely restless' evenings - I usually get them when I'm going away - maybe I'm getting this one cos I'm actually at home! Probably because am going back to work tomorrow and know I need to prioritise what I need to do - where I need to focus my energy.....

I think that has what's been really lovely over the last couple of weeks - I have not been consciously thinking of work - just being with and enjoying friends/family - focusing and enjoying the reality of being together - I don't think I've talked about work for 2 weeks - how wonderful is that? - but at the same time I know that I have been thinking about it - not consciously but deliciously deeply - just hope that when  I go into tomorrow - it all seems beautifully clear!!!!!

Beautiful poignancy

I am at home after a week away with my three boys, my Mum, my sister Ann and her two children and a friend of theirs..... and the words that come to my mind are 'beautifully poignant'. Not certain why I chose this title for the blogg.....

There were 9 of us - my own and my sister's children - grown up but as yet to have children of their own - so we had hired a big cottage in Yorkshire and we were there together as family - the focus of which was my Mum. She was amazing - fantastically amazing, loving the presence of so many young people, all doting on her - her every wish a command. Much good humour, laughter, excellent food, fellowship and joy - but it was all very, very beautifully poignant....... on occasions painfully poignant.... My Mother's fortitude, playfulness and happiness was genuine and special - her constant recognition and understanding of how blessed she has been all her life, always very close to the surface.... but my Father's absence was very present and many times painfully so.....

I cry as I write this - and I didn't cry when I was away, but I think it is important to do so tonight - to recognise my own grief, my own loss of my beautiful Dad - a man I have spent practically every Christmas with for my whole life - I can think of 4 that weren't with my Mum and Dad - but that's all.... so a lifetime of Christmas's together - my parents having had 65 Christmas's together until this one..... wow!!!

I'm glad I've done this blogg as I couldn't understand why such a happy time should have also been so 'beautifully poignant' but now I have seen what I have written I understand why I feel like this....

So I am cherishing the specialness of our time away together, and recognising that my grief for my Dad is still quite raw - and that my Mother is truly inspirational - and what a wonderful family I am so lucky to be a part of.........

... and stopping off in Stacksteads and spending time with such dear friends on the way home - was icing on a special Christmas cake!!!

Maybe.......

....... the 'golden child' within myself just recognises the 'golden child' within my mother.......

Snuggled in on the sofa.....

..... gentle music playing - my little flat cosy and warm, a beautiful day - making a lovely lunch for my Mum, Jimmy, sister Jenny and Ali, (fish pie) followed by a short walk in the park - showing Ali Chris's beech tree, clear blue skies above the world, my Mum walking with Jenny - lovely, lovely lovely......... they've now gone home and I'm snuggled up on the sofa - feeling very loved and at peace with the world... I am just so blessed and so grateful for my wonderful life.

I talked about my Mum's amazing resilience to Ali earlier in the park, that was nice spending time talking to him - there is usually such a crowd that we don't really get to talk one to one, anyway we talked about Mum - and how she is such a 'golden child' -  she has gone through her life - doing good things - but also being very 'selfish' - all four of her daughters have had tragedies and sorrows and she was there for all of us, but she herself has had a truly 'lucky' life - and in many ways she was also protected from our hurt - she loved us all but I don't think she actually understood our pain - and why should she? It was our grief - she recognised it but I am not certain how far she was able to empathise with it.  That sounds harsh but I don't mean it to be - my Mum is an amazing woman, she has lived a good life - and she is now coping with the loss of her husband of 66 years  and her home - fantastically well - but reflecting about my Mum through my childhood and womanhood - is making me think.......

..... I suppose that's what it's all about - learning - and walking through the park with Ali this afternoon has made me think about one of the fundamental relationship of my life - that of mother and daughter - my mother and me as her daughter. It is also made me think about Chris's Mum.

Chris's Mum was a wonderful woman and there were times in my life when I was consciously closer to her than I was to my own Mum - I can remember that very clearly and also feeling sad/wrong to feel that.....  I am now very close to my Mum - and have been for many years, and the shared experience of Dad's death and the last few month has brought us even closer.  But I think that this relationship is (and has been for many years) based on my recognising her as a 'golden child' and loving her for being that a perfect 'golden child'. Wow - didn't expect to write that lot!!!!!

So I think I need to unpick this a bit....... I suppose I am thinking about what is love - OK quite a big question then!!!

But what is love? How much of it is what we think we ought to be? Do we 'love' people because of what or who they are in our lives? Or what we think they are? Or what we we think/and are taught to believe we ought to?

Not unpicking here - just knitting myself in deeper!

I suppose at the heart of this is - just that!!!  How much is what we love is actually from the heart - and how much is what we love  - is what our mind tells us to?

Bufffff - this started off as a nice afternoon blogg and is now asking the most fundamental question of our life - what is love? I need to reflect more on this - and I think it's been a question hovering around me for a while - what is it that we love? Is it the present, the past and/or the future? I loved Chris and my Dad very much, and I love my boys, my Mum, my family, my friends - but what does this mean? I love my life, I love my feeling of purpose in life, I love physically, I love the beauty that is everywhere, I love the music surrounding me (getting louder and louder) I love laughing, I love dancing.... I just love.......

Mmmmmmmmmm.... love is a one way process - unconditional love - means loving one way - and only one way - just loving - not wanting or needing thanks, recognition ... or anything in return... wow - I love it!!!!!!

Bratislava musings...

It has been a busy week - I am now in Slovakia, having been in Salzburg and tomorrow I go to Vienna.... Last night we partied and had a great time, the meeting and connecting does not even require a common language - though liberal amounts of good Slovakian wine helped!!

I am here with Raul from Brazil and it is just so amazing how when you look - you see the same things - just a different locality - and a different castle in the background! We, the human beings on this planet are just so similar - so connected - so one..... though so many of us are clinging on to our separateness, trying to find and emphasise our differences - the problem for them is we are not different - we are not separate - we are all individual sparks with the collective of humanity..... and I just love us!!!!

Global - local - Us - me - they are just two levels of the same thing. The more I travel, the more I connect with individuals just makes this clearer and clearer to me.... and the connections can be brief - a smile with a recognition through the eyes that we are connected - Bing - we are connected!!!! Or they can be built on a lifetime's friendship - but they are both just the same - the connection of us recognising ourselves in the soul of the other. I think the most important thing is to be open to the connection - because many of us walk through this world in fear of opening up to others and build walls around our hearts... I know I am increasingly open - I seek out the eyes and welcome the connections - and that's what other people see in me - and then I love them and they love me - and it just makes us both so happy - which of course is the meaning of life!!!!

So a day sightseeing in Bratislava - then have been promised dancing tonight - lucky lucky me!!

Taking care of myself?

I am at home (for a change!) and in bed - it is early in the morning - but still 2 hours behind Turkey where I have been for a while, so wide awake - though my body is telling me to stay in bed - to give it time to come to terms with a streaming cold. I am coughing like a hyena whilst holding close to me the amazing week I have just had..............

I think this will be a long blogg as I plan to do very little else today - well apart from 2 important emails - a walk in the park as an opportunity to see Jimmy and I have just remembered I have some work to do as well - and to  meet up with Gilly later.....

But what I really want to do today is to understand the expression '....take care of yourself'....'....cuídate' as these words have been said to me several times recently - and in my dreams - and I have promised myself to reflect on why and what they mean.

My friend Javier wrote on Fb yesterday:

'Vivir la vida intensamente, cada minuto, cada segundo, como si la vida se nos terminara pronto. Para que dejar que nuestra vida se pierda en medio de la mediocridad, la envidia, la ira y la sin razón? Dejar que los sentimientos fluyan por nuestras venas y cargarnos de positivismo siempre, nos garantiza una vida plena. VIVIR AHORA!'

Which I translated as:

'Live life intensely, every minute, every second, as if it could finish at any time. Why let our lives be lost in the midst of mediocrity, envy, rage and without reason? Letting our feelings flow through our veins and always being positive, will guarantee us a full life. LIVE NOW!'

And that's what I want/am trying to do - and being positive I should say 'This is how I AM living my life'

So what does that mean?

1. Living life intensely - cherishing every second, minute, day, every experience, person, things that I do and things that occur - I know I am doing this more and more - and this is also what my Mother is increasingly doing - cherishing every second of life with gratitude

2. Being grateful for every second, minute, day, every experience, person, thing that I do and things that occur - learning from my Mother.......

3. Moving to the next stage and making every second, minute, day, things that occurs a celebration of life - recognising and appreciating happiness......

4. I can see the next stage which is to live my life in ceremonial celebration....... know I'm not there yet but also I now know people who are doing this -  which means I can learn from them!

Cherishing, Being Grateful, Celebrating and then Ceremonially Celebrating - which of course all just means Being Happy!!!!

.............Same day still in bed - but I have been out and eaten a late breakfast with Jim, communicated with several friends via Fb etc, didn't walk in the park, didn't write the 2 important emails, but I have slept so I have taken care of myself.

Yesterday I talked about taking care on the way home from Munich with Raul - and this led to a discussion  about fear - I want to live my life 'taking care of myself' but I don't want to live my life 'in fear'. I have been thinking and I suppose I don't really understand what my fears are - yesterday Raul talked about healthy fear - linked to self preservation - yes being fearful of traffic is a good idea when crossing the road but if you take care and know the rules of the road  you can cross safely - but now my head is going round in circles - what actually is fear? Well I've just looked it up on Wikapedia:

Fear is a distressing negative sensation induced by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger. In short, fear is the ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight-or-flight response) but in extreme cases of fear (terror) a freeze or paralysis response is possible.

Suddenly it all makes sense  - Fear is negativity - and my fear is being negative in my life, being negative in the four stages I wrote about earlier: Cherishing, Being Grateful, Celebrating and Ceremonially Celebrating - but also I now know what I need to do - I need to find those areas of my heart and my mind where I carry negative feelings and thoughts and to recognise them and to love them and to get rid of them - Hurray - I finally know what I'm doing!!!!

Well this has been a very long and rambling blogg which has been on the go all day - but I finally feel clearer - it's all about positive and negative energies - in Turkey I discussed with many people my positive energy - I was full of it in Ankara - when I'm working I become very focused and simply glow with energy - positive energy. I was telling one person that I do not watch the television, read the news or listen to the radio - and he said quite suddenly and out of the blue - 'So that's why you are so full of positive energy.'  The news media is very negative it sucks away at our energy.

I have also been aware for quite a while about people who drain energy from me and others by their negativity - their presence and ideas blocking the positivism of others

Love it - it is finally all making so much sense to me - I need to take care of myself by becoming more conscious of negative energy - from what ever source - and then finding ways of not letting it drain me in anyway. I also now know what to look for in myself - negative thoughts and feelings - Wonderful!!!!!

Well it's now time to get dressed and go and meet Gilly - to eat tapas and drink wine - that's also taking care of myself!!!!

Floating down to earth.....

...... not certain where I've been but today I do feel more grounded than I have been for a few weeks - probably wont last - I am only here for 3 days and then off again! Part of it is the physical travelling which I do so much of, but also the last couple of months have been so turbulent - the death of a parent is a huge thing....

So very pleased that I went away to make my knife - have been sharpening it tonight - after I used it to prepare Sunday dinner for Jim - which I have to say was particularly good! But the time I took to make my knife was just so amazingly special - hadn't thought of it linked to my Dad until I was there - because when I arranged it was well before his death - but the timing was wonderful.

Still not certain of what has happened to me over the last few weeks - but am beginning to understand that it has involved profound changes deep within me..... tonight I feel much freer and lighter than I think I have ever felt - I called this blogg floating down to earth - maybe I should have called it - floating up - cos that's what it feels like.... well 3 days in the office then off again... love it - how blessed am I?

amazed by how much I have learnt!

........back home - keep fondling and looking at my knife - it is so very, very beautiful! Last week it didn't exist  - and now it does  - and what lessons it has given me  - the blade, the handle and the sheath - a real trilogy.

Making my knife - a story to be told - but also the sweat lodge - buff! huge stuff - living in a yurt in a real community - doing it's best to be totally sustainable - then on Monday going to the Welsh Gypsy and Travellers young people's conference - huge resonance - and then the cars - mine blowing up plus....  overwhelmed by it all tonight!

But most of all - I am just in awe of how much learning this huge rich mixture has given me.....

Journeying.....

Wide awake in the night - but in a yurt in a field on the edge of a wood - a full moon lighting the world and the sounds of the night birds. I am here to work with Tom to make my knife - as agreed at Spirithorse. I knew it was to be a journey and that is what it is....... I didn't know until I started how much of this journey involves my Father. I have looked back to this year and also seen how my week dancing in Spain was also about my Father... I danced to a deep and hard place enabled by the knowledge of his love for me.... that was special....

But now I am making a knife....... intuitively I brought 2 knives of my Father's with me - small kitchen knives that he had sharpened over the decades - and these were my starting point with Tom...... but as the journey has unfolded in this beautiful Welsh community - I have been taken back into my childhood - back to my Father - and to the many places where he lives in my heart.

I have made the blade - I chose to make it from a small file - heating it on the forge and hammering it flat on an anvil - then I grinded the top edge - and this morning I will work on the bevilled edge. This afternoon there will be a sweat lodge ceremony.

I feel I am walking this journey with my eyes open but with no idea where it will take me.... I feel that it is important to spend these few days honouring my Father, to work with a lovely man teaching me - in a way that I have been blesssed all my life - being able learn from my Father from my birth and then from my Chris - a lifetime of learning and - at the same time knowing I was loved by two beautiful men - what a blessing......

And now I have not got their presence in my life - but I will always have their love - tears stream down my face as I write this - and maybe it was for a deeper understanding of this knowledge that my journey took me to this yurt in a field in Wales.........

Bulgaria.....

It's very late at night and I've been out dancing with wonderful young people - love it - ESU students still working when I get back to hotel - have so much time for them.....

Have felt engulfed with their energy for the last couple of days - really, really special - tonight was also a night of connecting - letting myself go - with the beautiful energy of the individuals I was with - sounds bonkers but it wasn't that crazy - I just went where my heart took me - and they came with me! Also - though and this does sound a bit crazy - we have actually also done a huge amount of work....

Though  my work is pretty bonkers anyway - but doing it feels just the most sensible thing in the world!

Happy - plus dancing - perfect.......