Strangely I've started to blogg a couple of times over the last week - but not actually been able to pull together a blogg to publish - which is weird - and the first time I have ever done this - in terms of starting by writing a few sentences - and then just giving up and not saving/publishing the blogg.
OK - so feel I need to complete something tonight. It is Sunday - my birthday was last Saturday - and it feels like so much 'stuff' has shifted/moved on. I hadn't really anticipated my 60th birthday being such a huge point of change - but - it really, really has been - and this has also taken me by surprise. Probably one of the reasons why the blogg never got written - it just felt like so much was changing - day by day.
I have been thinking about what this change has been - and I now know it is one of certainty - I now just feel very clear about what and who I am! Wow never thought I'd be able to write that!!!!!! But yes - I do feel clearer about who I am - and loving the multi-dimensional aspects of this person - me! On one level being clear about me - who I am - but this recognition also meaning - that I am deliciously unclear - about what this will look like in reality. That sounds like a contradiction - but it's not.
New year - was amazing - a purification - a real getting rid of so much! Followed by the beautifulness of becoming 60 - and with that - such a joy and gratitude for being me - this amazing 60 year old - wise woman! Yes she is pretty crazy, bonkers and unpredictable - but you know what - who cares -it's great being me!!!!
It's been a surprisingly big thing reaching this next decade - and unexpected - this week has also been one of making decisions - about myself, my work, my future. I have no idea where I will be in 3 years time - in terms of what I will be doing, where I will be living, who I will be with - 3 pretty fundamental aspects of my life!! And decisions I made this week are all part of this process of change and moving on - AND JUST SO EXCITING!
But the clarity has been about embracing being ME - and the freedom of being open to - and up for change. I think when I was turning 30, 40 and 50 - this was unimaginable. That's not to say I wasn't happy - because in many ways I was - and secure - as Chris's wife, the boys Mum - job was less secure - but I was happy being an educational entrepreneur - with all that involved. But now - I have a greater sense of personal freedom and with this the joy of embracing the unknown - and living each precious day as just that - a 'precious moment'.
I think much of this sense of clarity is about my personal sense of knowing - and that is very much based on my spiritual journey - which has been such an accelerated roller coaster - over the last decade - especially in the 6 years since Chris died. It has been funny reflecting on the last ten years - and going 'Yes - they've been amazing' and then thinking - 'Oh and by the way my beautiful man of 35 years died in the middle of that decade!' But of course Chris's death was also such a huge trigger for personal change and growth - and looking back - I am proud of myself - as I did end up growing so much as a consequence of what was such a potentially devastating life change - the sudden death of my partner of 35 years.
So I am now 60 - and this has been celebrated in several lovely ways - I am so very blessed! Planning a future of unknowns - and embracing the fact that anything could happen tomorrow - way to go!!!!!
