It is Saturday night and I'm feeling very vulnerable,not sure why, but think it is all about recognising that life has it's downs as well as ups! I am quite impatient with myself because I am such a lucky person with so much in her life, I don't think I have a right to feel a bit down. I had a lovely week, was as high as a kite in Barcelona, on a roll, wonderful, ideas swooping and soaring, connections being made, recognised and loved.
But now I feel quite lonely, but also understand and recognize that everybody feels like this at some time, and many people feel like this much much more than I do. So I do question my right to be down. Renata has just skyped me, which was lovely and just what I needed, her enthusiasm and joy was beautiful. I told her I was feeling lonely, and in particular that I am missing Rob very much, I am also aware that I will miss Hector when he goes to India next Friday, his Visa having finally arrived! She commented very rightly that I have lived my adult life surrounded by men and boys. As Chris's wife and a mother of three beautiful sons, I have been so lucky to live my life in the centre of men and boys.
This had resonances with other conversations I have had recently, I am missing men in my life! That doesn't take absolutely anything away from my wonderful female friends but it is a fact as I have been so lucky to live my life with a wonderful man, and little boys who grew into wonderful men. It was also Chris's birthday this week and that was also quite poignant. I sometimes think that I haven't really moved on as much as I thought I had. Though maybe the reality is always two steps forward and one step back.
So I suppose, and accept, that the joy of life, the dance of life, is just not a straight line! Like all dances you go forward and backwards, so I am a dancer of life, like all of us, and my life goes forward, but it also does little pirouettes, twist and turns, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but always a joy.
This has been a good blogg, because by writing this down, although I am not writing it I am dictating it!! But by writing my blogg I have taken the time to recognize important things, it's okay to miss people, it's okay to recognize that two steps forward does involve one step back, the wave of living is reality. By accepting reality, I am able to find the happiness which is me and my lucky lucky life.
