OK - have now made big decisions - and yes after much thought/emotion - am now getting used to the idea of leaving 1 Cheltenham Avenue - and this is a very big thing for many reasons not least cos I've lived here for 30 plus years - that's lifetime status!! But the house is just too big for one person - I have rattled around it on my own for nearly a year now - and I don't want to continue to do so. This is the house of my family - the Tricia that used to live here - Chris's wife - the mother of small children - she doesn't exist any more - and this Tricia - the new Tricia - she doesn't need a great big house.
So two levels to this - 'emotional' and 'rational' and boy that's where I am at the moment - really rational - making sensible decisions but also being seriously hit by emotional - have not felt so vulnerable for a long time.
So sensible decision - rent out Cheltenham Avenue - then rent an apartment just for me - behind this decision have been many options - which I have had to consider - but one joy in making this has been the love I have been shown whilst struggling to make the right decisions.
Yesterday Rob and Jim blitzed the garden - and I went to the tip four times - after Gilly came round and we had a barbie in the amazing clear and seemingly much larger garden - it looks great. The Gilly and I drank wine and talked about things - like we do - and that was also great.
Woke up this morning feeling a bit calmer though I have just revisited coming home from work after the phone call and finding Chris dying in the garden - I also thought about Jimmy finding his father and not being able to wake him - that's what he said when he phoned me - I can't wake Dad up. That must have been just so so awful for him.
Looking and my beautiful Jimmy yesterday - what an amazing young man - really happy at university and doing really really well - his father would have been so proud of him. Gilly was saying yesterday how lucky I was and in particular how lucky I am to have such three amazing sons - and yes I am. Lucky and proud of my wonderful sons.
Gilly also said that many people will also miss my house - sitting round the table - eating and drinking, sitting in the garden - eating and drinking - all those parties over all those years - lots of wonderful times - eating and drinking!!! The house was always full of people, children, dogs, laughter.... it has been such a wonderfully happy house - but I am now ready to leave it - not to sell it though - but to move onto another chapter of my life.
So big decision made - and now official cos I've blogged it!! Feeling happy about the decision and comfortable that it's the right one - but also feeling vulnerable and know that I need to look after myself - but also know that I'm loved - how lucky am I!!!
